THE TWANKER’S GUIDE TO:

2010 IS THE YEAR TWANKERS WILL TALK EVEN MORE ABOUT SOCIAL MEDIA.

TALK ABOUT SOCIAL MEDIA

BECOME FAMOUS MAKE MONEY FOR YOURSELF

MAKE A MONKEY OF YOURSELF

Awesome! A 24 x 7 place to talk about social media. Do it!

Easy. Get lots of followers. The more

you get the more famous you are.

Be careful! Not everyone on Twitter is thick. (Not in the UK

anyway) Some may detect your shallowness

You can make a packet, but only if you talk about how to use

Twitter or how to make your teeth whiter.

Most people using Facebook tend to be normal. Talking about

social media will confuse them.Talk about sex or something like that too.

You’ll be at The Oscars in no time. Set up a

Fan page and everyone will flock there in seconds.

Whoa there!! Don’t add pictures or links to places

where you,ve exposed yourself. Pictures from

chatroulette.com are a big no no. Put it away!

Great opportunity. Ask your friends and fans to send you money. Your bank balance will have many 000s added to it

within days.

It’s an online photo album. Pictures of you

talking about social media just don’t cut it. You need words for people to read.

Including some images from your latest photo

shoot at a recent Star Trek or Warcraft convention may get you spotted.

A bit like Facebook, don’t add any images of

your private parts or of you drunk after 2 pints of

shandy. You may think it’s cool, but others won’t

Having become famous on Twitter, you will be able to sell signed pictures of

yourself. £5 per picture for every follower could make

you £100!

To be frank, most people on LinkedIn are clueless and out of work. Hence

they’re on there looking for fancy jobs. Steer clear.

YouTube is the future! Make loads of videos

talking about social media and you’ll soon be on the

real telly. Maybe on QI with Mr Fry!

This is probably the best platform to become

famous. Get your children to bite each other and

swallow a microphone. Aim for “You’ve been Framed”

Some videos don’t always turn out as we’d like them to. If they are

shite, don’t publish them. Videos of your offices always work a treat.

There are lots of videos, so making money directly

is difficult. Just look at Blockbusters! Take acting classes and get yourself

spotted by quoting Shakespeare.

If you want to become known as an out of work

loser, then this is the place be. Join lots of groups to fill

up your inbox and feel extra special and important

Being active on LinkedIn means you’re a monkey.

Build your connections with other monkeys and tell

each other how important you are

This is a downward spiral (or helix) into cardboard

city. You’ll end up at a start-up with no money which will go bust in weeks. Probably

a social media agency.

Steer well clear! Talking about social media on this platform is a lost cause. It won’t be around much longer and we expect it maybe sold off to AOL or some other Internet organisation struggling to adapt to the ever changing

Interweb thingy.

Not as tasty as it sounds. You can save links to your

social media blog posts here, but no one will read them. Probably only good for old fashioned SEO link

building

Not a chance! Using this for a “fame strategy” is a non starter. You may as well audition for the X

Factor.

Very little chance of making a monkey of

yourself here. You could probably make many faux pas’ and get away with it,

No one will see it.

No money here. You’d be better off walking through tube trains with a paper

cup, like many other social media gurus.

Contrary to the site name, no one has “read it”. This is a place where you can post links to sites and pretend

you have read it.

Only a remote chance of making a monkey of

yourself here, and that’s by spend too much time on the site. It’s full if SEO types….quite smelly.

Only niche fame here, not mainstream. You may get a cult following from people who have no idea what you’re talking about, but

pretend they do.

A remote chance of a few pennies. Post links to your

speaker circuit events, some unsuspecting laggard may

find you and pay you to speak at their organisation

A well named site. People may stumble upon some of your social media musings. Post them here, but don’t expect too much love to

come your way

You may get spotted. So get your tackle out and see what bites...you could get a

big fish nibbling at your social media maggot.

Safe territory, like many other bookmarking sites. Feel free to post links to

you saying stuff like “people to people” you’ll

get away with it.

If you get spotted, cash in and charge extortionate

amounts. But the chances are very slim...slimmer than a really slim thing.

“Digg” is rapper talk and hence cool. Rapping about

social media is a very good thing to do. It will

enhance your credibility.

“Digg” has cool buttons (even mashed potato use them). Stick you shades on and protect yourself from the pap’s camera

flashes

Be careful, you can over do the social media

rapping, especially if you’re stood next to Dizzy Rascal.

Make sure you pick the right moment. It’s crucial.

Each Digg of your social media content is worth about 10p. You’ll soon

have enough for a Texan bar and a can of

Dandelion & Burdock