the pulse - vol. 7 issue 37

Chattanooga’s Weekly Alternative

Brief Encounter: Short Story Contest Winners

FREE • News, Views, Music, Film, Arts & Entertainment • September 16, 2010 • Volume 7, Issue 37 • www.chattanoogapulse.com

President Jim Brewer, II

Publisher Zachary Cooper

Contributing Editor Janis Hashe

News Editor / Art Director Gary Poole

Advertising Manager Rhonda Rollins

Advertising SalesRick Leavell, Jonathan Susman, Townes Webb

Graphic Design Jennifer Grelier

Staff Photographer Louis Lee

Contributing WritersGustavo Arellano, Rob BrezsnyChuck Crowder, Michael Crumb

John DeVore, Joshua HurleyMatt Jones, D.E. Langley,

Ernie Paik, Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D.Gary Poole, Alex Teach

Editorial Cartoonist Rick Baldwin

Calendar Editors Bryanna Burns, Josh Lang

Editorial Intern Reginald Owens

Contact Info:Phone (423) 265-9494Fax (423) 266-2335

Email [email protected]

Calendar [email protected]

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The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on culture, the arts, entertainment and local news.

ContentsSEPTEMBER

201016

ANNUALBLACK

DIAMOND HEAVIES

next week in The Pulse

12 SHORT STORY CONTEST WINNERSThe Pulse is delighted to present the winners and two honorable mentions in our fi rst Short Story Contest. We’d like to thank and salute all the writers who contributed more than 60 entries, making it a diffi cult decision for our judges. Judges were: Jenny Sadre-Orafai, Cody Maxwell, and Bruce Majors. Our sincere thanks to them as well.

cover story

news & views 5 PULSE BEATS

6 BEYOND THE HEADLINES

10 SHRINK RAP

20 LIFE IN THE NOOG

28 ON THE BEAT

34 ASK A MEXICAN

feature stories16 FIVE QUESTIONS, TWO MAN BANDBy Chuck CrowderOur own Chuck Crowder recently corresponded with Andy Bean, half of the two gents who’ll be delivering their brand of rowdy ragtime Dixieland jams at JJ’s Bohemia Wednesday night. 24 COLLECTING FOR LOVEBy Michael CrumbThe Bessie Smith Cultural Center is now featuring the touring Thompson-Wilson Collection. This collection includes prominent artists and diverse styles. Besides paintings, there are a number of etchings and serigraphs, as well as other media.

30 ONE TOO MANY ZOMBIESBy John DeVoreI haven’t seen a “Resident Evil” movie since the fi rst one. One was really enough for me, and as far as zombie movies go, it was pretty close to the bottom; it wasn’t My Boyfriend’s Back or Dead Alive, but it wasn’t Romero territory either.

everything else

Chattanooga’s Weekly Alternative

4 EDITOON

4 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

9 POLICE BLOTTER

9 THE LIST

17 NEW MUSIC REVIEWS

18 MUSIC CALENDAR

25 A&E CALENDAR

27 JONESIN’ CROSSWORD

27 FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

32 SPIRITS WITHIN

33 DINING REVIEW

The Pulse | Vol. 7, Issue 37 | September 16, 2010 | www.chattanoogapulse.com4

Letters to the Editor

Send all letters to the editor and questions to [email protected] reserve the right to edit letters for content and space. Please include your full name, city and contact information.

Mayoral VictoryThey say a picture is worth a thousand

words and the smirk on Littlefi eld’s face said it all. It told me the fi x was in from the get go. A Democratic Mayor and a Democratic judge and an incompetent election commission who purposely gave false information to the recallers. I bet the Germans are paying close attention to this fi asco and the back room double dealing politicians who just told us all what we could do with our signatures. This is Chattanooga politics back room deals done in the middle of the night behind closed doors. Then he drags out all those old Mayors, Claude Ramsey and Zack Wamp give me a break! Who was that horse and pony show for VW? It sure wasn’t for us. Was he fl exing his political muscle to show us lowly peons that we can never win?Susan Nicholas

Vinyl vs CD vs Chuck (continued)I found [Chuck Crowder’s] comments

on vinyl records to be insulting, narrow-minded and immature. To call vinyl-

lovers “suckers” is childish language, fi t only for a playground. To describe all records as “static-laden, scratchy, wobbly hunks of petroleum” is silly—a well-cared for vinyl album will be free of all these defects and should play all the way through problem-free. Anyway, you argue a moot point—CDs are quickly becoming obsolete with the advent of MP3s. I doubt that CDs will ever experience a renaissance in the way records have.Doug S.

This little brouhaha is hilarious. The fact that people will read a light column and get all fi red up about it is a riot. It’s entertainment, people. Maybe it’s supposed to be narrow-minded and immature. Lighten up! Or put on your favorite vinyl and light one up...whatever it takes to get the stick out of your ass.Mike C.

Cemetery Shenanigans I have known Stacey Swallows for over

twelve years and he is a man with great

ethics and integrity. I know he was doing what he felt he needed to that night to protect his family. By the way, to those who disbelieve him, if he said there were shots fi red, there were shots fi red! I believe a grave injustice has occurred in our legal system (which started with the arresting offi cer) and I hope it is soon corrected.Lisa A.

It is a felony to be doing anything in a cemetery that is not respectful. Those teens should be charged. This cemetery is a private cemetery. In this area our cops have a great area to cover, from the Sequatchie county line to the Rhea County line over to the Tennessee River. It would take more than a few minutes for one to get anywhere. Does anyone really care about the truth, or how this will affect this man I have known almost my whole life? Would you feel the same if someone was vandalizing your subdivision or your mailboxes or your driveways? S. Shipley

www.chattanoogapulse.com | September 16, 2010 | Vol. 7, Issue 37 | The Pulse 5

PulseBeats

Quote Of The Week:“The old, familiar blue mail collection boxes, they’re just no longer the primary way that people mail today.”

—Beth Barnett, Tennessee spokeswoman for the U.S. Postal Service, on the marked decline in the once-ubiquitous blue boxes.

A rundown of the A rundown of the newsy, the notable, newsy, the notable, and the notorious...and the notorious...

Littlefi eld Offers Olive Branch, Scott Calls For Full Review of City Charter

TN River Rescue Volunteers Needed

In a hastily assembled press conference last week that ended up including most of the cur-rent “movers and shakers” in Chattanooga along with three of the past four mayors, cur-rent Chattanooga Mayor Ron Littlefi eld spoke about the need for the city and community to move ahead.

A day aft er a judge ruled in his favor in the recall campaign, Littlefi eld was conciliatory to those politically opposed to him. “I am extend-ing and have extended an olive branch to all of those people who are lined up on the other side of issues, and not just the issues we’ve dealt with recently, but all issues that have faced us and will face us,” he said.

Among many other community leaders present, Littlefi eld called on outgoing U.S. Congressman Zach Wamp to speak, who was highly critical of the recall ef-fort. Wamp explained where such matters should be de-cided. “Matters of policy, which are voted on, including the very diffi cult issues of taxation, are what elections are all about.”

While members of the recall movement decide among themselves what their next step will be—some favor an appeal of the ruling against them, while others have talked about taking their complaints to the state level—one immediate reaction to the ruling has been a renewed look at the city charter.

Chattanooga City Councilwoman Deborah Scott called on City Attorney Mike McMahan and his staff to begin a systemic review of the city charter to fi nd out

if there are any other portions that are in confl ict with state law. Her request comes in response to the ruling that the portion of the charter covering recall elections was superseded by state law and no longer valid.

McMahan said he was more than willing to begin such a review but cautioned the council that it would be a lengthy process, and that any changes would have to be approved by the voters in a referendum.

Councilman Peter Murphy, who chairs the Legal & Legislative committee for the council, also gave his sup-port to a charter review, but likewise cautioned that it could be a lengthy process, comparing all the legislation passed by the state in the past eight years to see what has trumped the city charter.

Th e last time the charter came up for a public vote was in 2002, when voters gave formal approval to the current city charter.

Th e City of East Ridge and the Tennessee River Rescue Group are seeking volunteers for the annual Tennessee River Rescue at Spring Creek. Th is year, the Spring Creek Tennessee River Rescue will be held Saturday, October 2, 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. Registration and morning briefi ng will take place at the City of East Ridge garage at 1510 Yale Street.

Th e City and the Tennessee River Rescue team are seeking volunteers to assist with the pickup of debris along the creek bank, remove debris from the water and assist with hauling debris from the site. Th e City of East Ridge received a grant from the Tennessee Wildlife Re-sources Agency to provide volunteers tools and equip-ment for the day.

To register as a volunteer, please contact Larry Clark, Tennessee River Rescue Coordinator for the East Ridge Zone at (423) 443-1806.Volunteers can also register the morning of the event. All volunteers will receive a T-shirt, snacks and appropriate tools to assist with the clean up.

Twenty-two years ago, the Tennessee River Rescue started as a small group of concerned citizens wanting to clean up their hometown. Th e annual event draws close to a thousand volunteers to waterways all over the Ten-nessee Valley. For more information about the Tennessee River Rescue Group visit tennesseeriverrescue.com.


Beyond The Headlines

Not a Stranger in a Strange Land

“In those three weeks I spent in Syria, I met some of the nicest and most welcoming people I’d met any where in the world.”

By Mark Kehoe Before I left for the Middle East, I remember my grandmother saying, “Please, Mark, don’t go over there. You’ll get killed or something.” Like many, she didn’t know that hospitality and unselfi shness are a part of Middle Eastern culture. I witnessed it fi rsthand when I spent fi ve months traveling through Turkey, Syria, Jordan, Egypt, and Israel.

I walked into Syria from Turkey. Th e boarder guard didn’t speak much English, but enough to let me know that he had family in Cleveland (my hometown). Before I knew it, he had managed to get me a ride and I was off to the nearest town. Soon aft er I got out of the car, I was grabbed by some men who took me down an alleyway. I had just gotten there and I did not know where they were taking me or what was happening. Yet a few minutes later I was standing in front of the longest banquet

table I had ever seen. Th e men motioned to me to eat and I did. Th ere were a few trays with entire roasted lambs, including the skull. Rice, stuff ed grape leaves, and milk were also scattered throughout. Th ere were no utensils and everyone was using their hands. It was wonderfully messy as people were pulling and ripping pieces of meat off the lamb and stuffi ng handfuls of rice into their mouths.

I went over to Latakia on the coast and ended up spending several days with Fawzi and his friends. I didn’t even have to leave my hotel room to fi nd them because they just knocked on my door. Th ree guys stood there telling me to come with them. I followed them down the street to Fawzi’s bakery.

I loved “working” for Fawzi making sweets. Each of the three days I was in Latakia, I would go to the bakery and he would show me how to make things like baklava with pistachios. For lunch, several of us would sit around, eat, and talk. Everyone was in their mid- to late-twenties, and we talked about the same things that people do here in America.

While I was in Damascus, I had to visit the Umayyad Mosque (or the Great Mosque of Damascus). Th ere was one problem: I had shorts on and they are not allowed. No problem—they just gave me a black skirt to wear that went down to my ankles. It made me think of a similar situation a couple of years earlier when I was in the Vatican City. I was about to enter St. Peter’s Cathedral and was denied entry because my one and only pair of jeans had holes in them. I won’t go into any funny ironies. Yet it made my entrance into the mosque all the more telling.

I wanted to make one more stop in southern Syria before going into Jordan. Bosra is mere miles from the border and has an amphitheatre

the Romans built. It’s more than 1,800 years old and seats nearly 15,000. And a great thing happened while I was hitchhiking to see it.

A tractor was going by with at least four guys hanging off of it. As it passed, they told me to hop on. I didn’t realize we were headed for a bachelor party. No beer. No strippers. But a really nice and simple good time.

Th ere were about a dozen of us who sat around the edges of a room with no furniture. We just sat on the carpet drinking tea, playing cards, and talking. Of course I was served a platter of food, with scrambled eggs, pita bread, and olives, among other things. We ended the night by going outside for some Syrian circle dancing accompanied by conga drums. Th en, in true Middle Eastern fashion, the groom had me stay at the home he was building.

Th e home wasn’t fi nished, but it was getting close. What bothered me, though, was the bathroom. In the Middle East, they don’t use the same toilets we use over here. It’s basically a hole in the ground and people just squat to go. Th en hands and feet are washed. When I walked into this brand-new house and saw a brand-new hole in the ground, I remember thinking how odd it was, as if I thought someone who could build their own house should have the sense or decency to have proper plumbing.

It wasn’t until several years later that I realized how fl awed my logic was. Who’s to say what is better or what is proper? In those three weeks I spent in Syria, I met some of the nicest and most welcoming people I’d met any where in the world. An Irish-German American with blondish dreads defi nitely stands out, but I was treated like a special guest. I’ve never forgotten that.


A weekly roundup of the newsworthy, notable and often head-scratching stories gleaned from police reports from the Chattanooga Police Department, the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Offi ce, the

Bradley County Sheriff’s Department and the Dalton Police Department. The List

• Sometime relationships end badly. We all know that, but that doesn’t excuse trying to burn your now-ex’s clothes. Chattanooga fi re investigators arrested a woman over the weekend aft er she allegedly started a fi re that endangered lives in an apartment building. Th e woman reportedly got into an argument with her boyfriend and at some point decided to grab some of his clothes and burn them. With her 11-year-old daughter with her in the car, she drove to the boyfriend’s apartment on Woodlawn Drive, where eyewitnesses said she walked past them with an armload of clothes, saying “I’m getting ready to burn his ---- up.” Moments later, smoke could be seen coming from around the corner. Firefi ghters arrived a short time later and found a pile of clothes burning in front of the boyfriend’s apartment door. Aft er a quick investigation, the woman was apprehended and charged with aggravated arson, though she has so far denied setting the fi re.

• In today’s modern society, almost all fundraising drives are done online or in public places such as large shopping

centers, not door to door. Which is why you should always be suspicious of people who knock on your door asking for money. It’s no longer the 1950s. UTC offi cials say they received several reports of individuals going door to door in the community soliciting donations, claiming to be collecting money for the UTC choir and orchestra to pay for a European tour. A choir representative says while they are planning a trip for March, they are not soliciting donations door to door. If you are approached by these scammers, contact your local authorities.

• Over the years, we’ve seen a lot of unusual ways to make meth. But apparently there’s a new way—making it in a pot. Dekalb County deputies made an unusual discovery on the Alabama side of Lookout Mountain recently: 41 of the one-pot meth labs. Sheriff Jimmy Harris said the county’s drug task force investigated several tips that led to the discovery of the labs just off County Road 83. Also recovered during the bust was a large amount of other items used to manufacture meth. Harris said that each of the pots could produce about three grams of meth. Offi cials say they are looking at several suspects; no one has yet been arrested.

• Our fi nal story this week isn’t about a specifi c incident, but about something

that surprisingly doesn’t happen as nearly as oft en as one would think: traffi c accidents. A new report from a major auto insurer shows that Chattanooga drivers are among the safest in the nation. Allstate ranked the top 200 cities in the country, and Chattanooga ranked second only to Fort Collins, Colorado for the lowest rate of collisions. Th e Chattanooga accident rate is nearly 23 percent lower than the national average, a rate that led to Allstate cutting insurance rates for Hamilton County by 10 percent this summer, one of the largest declines ever made by the company. Regionally, Knoxville and Nashville rank in the top 25, while nearby Atlanta ranks 146 out of 200. Who would have thought aft er detouring around the seemingly daily fender-benders of our highways that we were actually one of the safest driving cities in the country?

Bestselling Candy Bars

1. Snickers. Introduced in 1930, named after a horse.

2. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Introduced in 1928.

3. Kit Kat. Introduced in 1935 as Rowntree’s Chocolate Crisp in England.

4. Butterfi nger. Introduced in 1923 in Chicago.

5. Milky Way. Introduced in 1932, named after our galaxy.

6. 3 Musketeers. Also introduced in 1932.

7. Baby Ruth. Introduced in 1920, named after President Grover Cleveland’s daughter, not baseball player Babe Ruth.

8. M&Ms. Introduced in 1941 due to low chocolate sales during WWII.

9. Oh Henry. Introduced in 1921, named after a regular customer.

10. Hershey bar. Introduced in 1894 by Milton Hershey.


Some people use astrology as an interesting sidebar to what’s going on with them. Did my horoscope get it right this week? Does it off er a helpful, alternative way to look at the events going on in my life? Does it indicate something within that I might want to pay attention to? Others take it quite a bit more seriously, and know how to follow stars, moons, tides, charts and have an extensive knowledge of the art, following it daily and living accordingly, sort of like having their own personal, heavenly GPS.

Some use astrology to gain insight into their current relationships, as well as potential matches. Now if he’s a Libra and I’m a Scorpio, how would that work? Or if she’s an Aries? Myself, I fi nd the Chinese horoscope particularly fun. It goes by the year you were born, assigns an animal of rich, mythical imagery to that year, and off ers advice as to who would be a good match for you—which other animals—and who wouldn’t.

And some folks reading this don’t know what the heck I’m talking about. No worries.

I tend to fall under the fi rst type of star-gazer: the one who fi nds it a fascinating study (and believes that the moon does aff ect our moods), but has very limited knowledge of all but my own sign. My own I do read with interest when I have time, and fi nd, as those of you in this category

probably do too, a wide discrepancy of guidance, insight, and useful information.

Th e exception for me is Th e Pulse’s astrology guy, Rob Brezsny. I fi nd that he off ers a pretty cool and helpful brand of astrology. So I enjoy reading him. He tells stories, sometimes contemporary and humorous, sometimes taken from mythology; he poses questions, and leaves the reader to determine how the tale might apply to the recipient’s life.

Recently in Rob’s column I read, “Success coach Tom Ferry says our ability to pursue our dreams can be damaged by four addictions.”

Now I found this one to be particularly timely. As many of you know, I’ve begun hosting “Addiction Radio” on Monday nights, on News Talk 95.3 WPLZ, from 7 to 9 p.m. My producer/co-host, Max, and I plan to use the live, call-in format to visit with other experts on addiction, folks who want to tell their story, and to off er lots of education, enlightenment, and understanding around the myriad forms of addictions and compulsive behaviors, as well as leave listeners with tools for growth, guidance, direction and, perhaps most importantly, hope.

Well, with all this on my mind, you can image how reading about the “four addictions” from Tom Ferry turned my radar on high. To continue, they are:

1. An addiction to what other people think of us. How many of you care too much (and you know what “too much” is for you) about what other people think of you? I tell people that what others think of you

is really none of your business. And vice versa. In one of my books, I put it like this: “Each time we act for the approval of others, we put ourselves in a state of anxiety and dependence. We are dependent on others’ acceptance, and anxious that we won’t get it.” (from Empowering the Tribe) It’s exhausting.

2. An addiction to creating melodrama in a misguided quest for excitement. You know, there’s “real” drama—job loss, cancer, AIDS, grief, loneliness—and there’s “created” drama (or melodrama). Let’s just say it’s pretty hard to have a relationship with a drama queen (regardless of gender).

3. An addiction to believing we’re imprisoned by what happened in the past. You’ve read it in this column before: What were your earlier childhood messages and do they continue to serve you today...or do they get in the way of living a happy, healthy life? What’s happened in your adulthood that you’re holding onto, but really need to release, and what’s stopping you?

4. An addiction to negative thoughts that fi ll us with anxiety. Again, regular Shrink Rappers know about how thoughts lead to feelings, which lead to behaviors, which lead to our reality, the path of our life. Everything begins with thought. (See the August 26 Shrink Rap, “Th e Power of Th ought,” for more about this.)

I hope this has given you plenty to think about, and I hope you listen to Addiction Radio on Monday nights. Tell your friends, co-workers, loved ones about it, and together we’ll make a diff erence in the quality of our lives, and in the lives of those we love.

Shrink Rap By Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D

“Each time we act for the approval of others, we put ourselves in a state of anxiety and dependence. We are dependent on others’ acceptance, and anxious that we won’t get it.”

Four Addictions That Hurt Our Dreams

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga. Visit his wellness center, Well Nest, at www.WellNestChattanooga.com, and his web site at www.DrRPH.com


Cover Story

Brief Encounter: Short Story Winners

Th e Pulse is delighted to present the winners and two honorable mentions in our fi rst Short Story Contest. We’d like to thank and salute all the writers who contributed more than 60 entries, making it a diffi cult decision for our judges. Judges were:

Jenny Sadre-Orafai, whose poetry has appeared in: Wicked Alice, Lily, Verse Libre Quarterly, Plainsongs, Literary Mama, Poetry Midwest, and other fi ne journals. She holds an MFA from Georgia State University and is currently poetry editor for JMWW.

Cody Maxwell, a local writer and freelance contributor to Th e Pulse.

Bruce Majors, a local poet and author of Th e Fields of Owl Roost, which won an Indie Excellence Award in 2005.

Our sincere thanks to them as well.

First Prize/Judges’ Comment: “Pine Country was chosen for its well-written stream-of-consciousness style and its ability to place the reader in the specifi c setting of the story.”

Pine CountryBy Amy E. Johnson

If you wanted a picture of one kind of heartbreak, she thought, you could just look right here, see this picture of me walking with no shoes on up the road. She thought about what she would look like if this was a movie, if the camera just showed her feet pressing down and lift ing up again. Th en it could move slowly up and out, looking down the straight fl at highway as if from her own eyes...

First though, a telephone wire out of a tiny window, at night, the silver of the moon touching it in a couple spots. It’s quiet except for the cicadas. Th en the wind, it picks up, and the wire is moving, fast now, and the sky lights up and she’s wide awake, and the smell of something burning comes before the spark and then the fl ames dancing on the wire,

moving up and down as it sways. It’s pine country in east Texas, and the branch that got hit, it’s burning, and the smell is sweet and smoky.

Th at night watching the fl ames balance on the line like a tightrope walker so graceful, she knew she had to get out of there. Her truck wouldn’t start, and she sat on the tailgate. She thought about calling the fi re department or waking somebody, but then she thought about the last time she had sat in the bed of that truck, thought about the watermelon they were eating with a plastic knife, thought about the picture she took of him aft er years of not being able to, and knew what she had to do.

Her boots were so worn and perfect that they slid on and off like silk slippers. She put them on and opened the door

to the trailer. She looked at the things she had tried to set around to make it a home. Th ings that slid around and fell off the counters whenever they picked up and moved it. Th en she walked over to the burning wire. By now the wind was going pretty steady and the air was heavy but no rain would fall. She slid her right boot off fi rst and breathed in the old leather and then threw it as hard as she could and watched it sail over the fl ames and disappear into the darkness. Th en the left boot—this time it grazed the edge of the wire and caused a wave of energy to go along the whole line, fl ames and silver light going with it. She started walking. She thought she’d head towards

Omaha seeing as how it was in the heart of things and she liked the way it sounded coming out of her throat, full of breath.

Th e camera would show the truck slowing down and she’s climbing into the bed, bits of gravel falling off her feet. She’s lying on her back then, and

all that comes aft er is the sky picking up speed and opening up wide into a blue-white blur.

“The camera would show the truck slowing down and she’s climbing into the bed, bits of gravel falling off her feet.”


Cover StorySecond Prize/Judges’ Comment: “Casting Out Nines was chosen for its concise use of language and its ability to display a disturbed moment in time with no wasted words. Th is story used the confi nes of the 500-word limit to its benefi t.”

Casting Out NinesBy Claire Richard

Eighty-one is a signifi cant number for me. It was the year my father left us. Th e age my mother was when she died. Th e number of times Edward and I made love in our two years together.

Eighty-one. Eight and one add up to nine. Nine is the highest one digit number and represents the end of a cycle, where ideas reach their perfection. In numerology my destiny number is nine, derived from both my name and birthday. Nine-the number of philosophers and Utopians. Nine-the number of completion.

Edward was a nine, also. He didn’t understand the signifi cance. Numbers are the undercurrent of the universe. Th ey are the essence of God’s mystery, the divine language of creation. Our very DNA is chemistry plus math, formed during nine months of gestation.

My mother’s destiny number was two. Sensitive, empathetic, intuitive. She fl owed through life like water, until obstructed by a tumor, which brought an end to her.

I’ve been alone for 81 days.Th e remains of my mother’s life are packed away in

the attic, next to the suitcase holding the few belongings

I have of my father’s. Two lives equal seven boxes.I was a high school math teacher. Students didn’t

understand why they had to learn algebra and geometry. Everything has a number associated with it. How could they not see the importance?

I was cast out of the classroom six years ago because I didn’t stick to the curriculum. I know better. Th ey didn’t like that I was drawing back the veil, letting the students see the divinity behind it. I was leading them to question chaos while their parents wanted to control them with confusion, believing in an erratic God who created an arbitrary universe.

Edward left because of the calendar, clock, and calculator—my oracles. He wanted spontaneity and fl exibility. He wanted grace. I checked the date and asked him to wait two days, but that didn’t suit his timetable for goodbye.

Sometimes all I can think of is the numbers. If I could punch a hole in my head, would numbers come spilling out?

If the numbers were no longer there, what would change? Would I be able to pick a fl ower without counting the petals? Could I sing a song without knowing the sum of the notes?

My father left us. He found a way out. It’s in his suitcase.

Will his way out be my deliverance?

A nine millimeter. Nine. Th e number of completion.

Nine choirs of angels. Th e nine circles of hell.

Th e numbers live in the cerebral cortex. Left hemisphere, frontal lobe. An inch above the arch of my eyebrow.

Jesus died the 9th hour on the cross.Will the numbers come spilling out, like blood?My blood type is A positive. A=1. One. Th e number

of new beginnings.Today is my 36th birthday. I’ve been alone 81 days.

Th e clock is about to strike 9:00. Nine. My destiny number. Th e perfection of ideas. Th e number of completion.

“I was a high school math teacher. Students

didn’t understand why they had to learn algebra and geometry.

Everything has a number associated with it. How could they not see the importance?


Cover Story

Th ird Prize/Judges’ Comment: “A is for Asymptomatic Carrier was chosen for its Kafk a-meets-science-fi ction style, and for making one man’s strange physical circumstance seem not only plausible but probable.”

A is for Asymptomatic CarrierBy Cody Sanders

You live your life normally, passing the time just like everybody else occupying the Earth alongside you. You laugh at ironic situations, you cry at funerals, and you silently pray for an end to third world hunger. You wake up in the mornings and you slip on your comfy shoes to keep your feet away from the cold fl oor, never forgetting to fl ip the switch to “on” when walking past the coff ee maker. You married a beautiful woman, one who understands you and laughs when you stub your toe but always off ers to kiss it to make it better.

Th ese are the things you do. For all you know, these are the things that you are. A normal guy, an everyman, just another face in the crowd. Th ere has never been any reason to doubt your normalcy. But, unknown to you, there has been a wave of sickness coming off of you since your birth. Th is silent predator has swathed untold numbers in a suff ocating black cloth and clinched shut about their throats when they needed air the most. It has acted both as the starting mechanism and guillotine for so many’s downfall, and it all started with you. It still spreads, out and away from the center, never touching the fi rst few it comes into contact with.

Th is is its nature. It is an assassin, a sly and grotesquely cruel marauder who leaves no trace of its

origin; you. So, you wake up, you brush your teeth and you spit into the sink. You drive to work and you play your radio at appropriate volumes. You tuck your daughters into bed every night with a kiss on their foreheads, and you trace your fi ngertips over your wife’s skin ever so soft ly, leaving a wake of goosebumps behind. You do these things normally, casually, and without thought. You live without knowledge of your existence, and you kill without regret because you’re completely unaware.

Th is is your life. Th is is who you are. You are the center, the origin, the beginning. You are normal, happy, and without malice. You are the carrier.

Honorable Mention

House HuntBy Jamie Watts

729 Bradley St. looked like it had fallen off a railroad car, rolled twice, and settled into a patch of high, dead grass. A snaggle-toothed, spindle porch frowned just below a radish-colored plank roof that accused the overcast sky. Beside the house, a crippled tree hugged

the siding just below the second story. It had been hobbled by some premeditated act of violence.

Locked in the back of my Daddy’s V-8, we waited for the man with the bow tie.

“We gonna look at this place?” Momma asked. Daddy didn’t answer as he studied the rear view and

Momma’s lips packed up. Th en a pair of squeaky, city brakes came up from behind and Daddy went for the

“This silent predator has swathed untold numbers in a suffocating black cloth and

clinched shut about their throats when they needed air the most.”


door handle. “Don’t touch anything,” Momma said at

me and shut her purse too hard. As the grass hit my waist, I was half

afraid and half hopeful of snakes. I saw the corner of the man’s big smile talk at my Daddy. Momma put up a few paces behind and none of them remembered me. I counted the steps up the porch.

Th e front door squeaked properly as I came in and the man patted me on the head. “Plenty of room for more,” he winked and Momma smiled “go to hell.” He coughed and his Adam’s apple disappeared. Daddy asked about something. “In 1911,” the man answered.

A pause. Th en, we went upstairs. Down the hall, at the end where

my bedroom should be, was a shiny, metal door that caught and held my refl ection until I pushed against my own outstretched hand. It swung, too freely, open.

Inside was tiny, even for me, and it smelled like Murphy’s Wood Soap. Alone, I went to the window and outside the wind bent the muted grass down. My fi ngers caught a smooth absence in the sill. Holes punctuated it, cut into the steel—four at the top and four at the bottom, opposite each other. Looked like prison bars must have connected them. I cocked my head and turned on the room. Only scrubbed clean walls and fl oors in whole place, but they were scratched to hell—deep, long and furious gashes in the wood and plaster.

My hands and feet went ice cold but, now, they were coming in.

“Must’ve been storage,” said the bow-tie man and he went pale in the forehead. Momma absently turned the dead bolt back and forth and back and forth again—from the outside.

I was halfway down the stairway when she grabbed me by the arm like we were at church. And she moved me out the front door like we were late. She didn’t let up across the lawn until she wrenched open the car door and fairly tossed me inside. I could hear her breathing hard but didn’t wanna look at her.

Daddy got in. “Like hell we are,” was all she said. He nodded, nervously, and we drove off .

Honorable Mention

ShortfallBy Calvin Beam

“I love autumn,” she said as she took his hand. Leaves made the sound of crumpled holiday wrapping paper as they walked in the woods.

“You mean fall,” he said, bundled in a bulky wool sweater and the feeling of new love. Th e trees off ered a canopy of warm colors.

“No, autumn,” she said. She let his hand fall free. “Fall is a verb. Autumn is a season.”

“Spring is a noun and a verb,” he said and he crossed his arms over his chest. “So what should we call that season?”

Her smile faded more quickly than the last days of summer.

“Fall is an American colloquialism,” she said. “You don’t hear anyone calling the autumnal equinox the fallal equinox, do you?”

“By that logic spring should be called vern,” he said. “Besides, autumn is pretentious.”

Her expression went wintry.“Are you calling me pretentious?” she

said.She pouted. He sulked. She looked

down. He looked up.“Oh, look at the pretty leaves,” he said.

Cover Story

“My fi ngers caught a smooth absence in the sill. Holes punctuated it, cut into the steel—four at the top and four at the bottom, opposite each other. Looked like prison bars must have connected them.”


Our own Chuck Crowder recently corresponded with Andy Bean, half of the two gents who’ll be delivering their brand of rowdy ragtime Dixieland jams at JJ’s Bohemia Wednesday night.

Q: You guys write a lot of songs about dead presidents. If you had to write one about a living president, who would it be and why?

A: Being gentlemen, we fi nd it best not to wade into any contentious political issues of the past hundred years (except, of course, Prohibition, which we are wholeheartedly against!). But, if we HAD to compose a song about a living president, I suppose we’d choose Jimmy Carter. Carter rhymes with “harder” (sort of) and there are all sorts of places we could go with that.

Q: Your song “Fancy Beer” is a crowd favorite. However, JJ’s Bohemia serves mainly the cost-eff ective (cheap) variety. What do you have to say about “Unfancy Beer”?

A: A life in the two-man music industry is, I’m afraid to admit publicly, not the most lucrative career choice. To men with paper-thin bankrolls like ours, any beer that’s bought and paid for is an icy tall glass of pure luxury. We make no distinctions between brands or varieties, only between having beer (Yay!) and not having beer (Boo!). In short, a beer in hand is a fancy beer

indeed!Q: How do you feel about playing to the

freewheeling crowds that haunt a hipster hangout like JJ’s Bohemia?

A: If you have a smile on your face, a taste for good times, and $7 dollars for admission (or even better, $20 for admission AND a copy of our new record Dos Amigos Una Fiesta) you are most welcome at a Two Man Gentlemen Band concert.

Q: Why do you love the minivan so much? A: [Because] the seats have taken on a shape

that closely mirrors our respective hind quarters, and the van’s inner atmosphere is now a perfect blend of our respective natural gentlemanly scents. For most musical acts, this would be revolting, but I’m pleased to admit that Th e Gentlemen’s

perfume is quite lovely.Q: If you could play in front of anyone

imaginable, who would it be, where and why?A: Executives from either the Nestle’s or

Hershey companies. We have a new song entitled “Chocolate Milk” and we’re in search of a sponsorship.

Music Feature By Chuck Crowder

Five Questions, One Man, Two Man Gentleman Band

Two Man Gentleman BandWednesday, Sep. 22, 8 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400.www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

“To men with paper-thin bankrolls like ours, any beer that’s bought and paid for is an icy tallglass of pure luxury.”


New Music Reviews By Ernie Paik

Outer Limits RecordingsFoxy Baby(Not Not Fun)

The ThermalsPersonal Life(Kill Rock Stars)

One cheeky defi nition for experimental music is “music that’s more fun to talk about than to actually hear.” Th is comes to mind

when listening to the new album from Outer Limits Recordings, Foxy Baby, which is not an experimental music album. It is, however, a concept album with a story that doesn’t exactly become clear when listening to it; according to the record label, it involves a “young weirdo artist” who becomes fi xated on the titular character and meets her backstage at a performance of hers to “share a fi nal cigarette…then ascend into a holy void of alien lights.” Th e vocals aren’t much help with deciphering the tale, being muffl ed and largely incomprehensible as part of the low-fi delity style of the album, drenched in a tape hiss haze. Th e track titles contribute some hints but ultimately, they do more to raise questions than to actually provide answers. Th e title “Bergheim” suggests a German setting, but then there’s “L.A. Skyline” followed by “Driving at Night,” enhanced with sound eff ects of squealing tires and a sports car shift ing gears. “Final Seduction” comes near the album’s conclusion, with a fog of drum machine beats, a two-chord keyboard pattern, and an overextended attempt at a soulful Prince-style lead guitar solo that sounds amateurish.

Outer Limits Recordings is the project of former Test Icicles member Sam Mehran, a.k.a. Sam Meringue, and Foxy Baby comes off as being a record made by someone with a glam rock and new wave obsession, channeling Giorgio Moroder but on a shoestring budget, shooting for high-concept soundtrack album ambitions while showing off the new phaser guitar pedal he just bought. One would not doubt that this perceived aesthetic is completely intentional, exuding a faux outsider, 4-track-recorder-in-the-musty-basement vibe, and on some level, there is an underdog appeal. But, while this writer is all for goofy concept albums, this one doesn’t quite live up to its promise.

Th e stereotypical profi le of a music critic (and also record store clerk) is that of an insuff erable music snob, jaded and

unimpressed and eternally crate digging for obscurities; of course, that’s not always accurate, but it probably stems from a desire to continually fi nd something new, triggering some kind of rare brain chemistry that brings a huge amount of pleasure. Th en, there’s the case of the Portland group the Th ermals, which uses the standard rock instrumentation and sonically, doesn’t off er anything radically innovative or diff erent. However, the band’s previous album, Now We Can See from 2009, was the most-played album for this critic last year by a wide margin—nearly on a weekly basis—shocking him a little.

Th e new album from the Th ermals, Personal Life, is not much of a departure from Now We Can See musically, despite a few changes. Th e group has expanded from the core duo of lead vocalist and guitarist Hutch Harris and bassist Kathy Foster (who formerly stepped in as studio drummer, as well) to include Westin Glass on drums, continuing with non-frilly, sturdy beats. Personal Life is book-ended with the two tracks “I’m Gonna Change Your Life” and “You Changed My Life”—the band’s path is clear, but it hasn’t changed dramatically. Lyrically, Personal Life focuses on love, oft en cynically, like on the song “Your Love Is So Strong,” providing confl icted defi nitions, like the line, “It’s only a series of lies.” When compared to songs on Now We Can See, a few tracks don’t feel as charged, like “Power Lies,” and others don’t provide quite the expected release, like “Only for You.” Still, the band follows its hook-laden formula, and it does it well, like on the strong single, “I Don’t Believe You”; it’s nothing new, but that doesn’t stop it from being endlessly replayable.


ThursdayHappy Hour Serenade with David Anthony5 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.comMike Mains and the Branches, Behold the Brave, This is Luke, Rainbow Station, The Transatlantic, Questions for a Scientist7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge.www.myspace.com/warehousetnLive Team!7:30 p.m. T-Bones, 1419 Chestnut St. (423) 266-4240. www.tboneschattanooga.comJimmy Harris7:30 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. Open Mic Night8 p.m. The CAMP House, 1427 Williams St. (203) 570-8077.Tim Lewis and Reece9 p.m. Bart’s Lakeshore, 5600 Lakeshore Dr. (423) 870-0777. www.bartslakeshore.comDave Dykes and the Greatful Hearts9 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com

Open Mic with Gabriell Newell9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com500 miles to Memphis10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemiaSoul Sessions10 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th St. (423) 756-8253. www.table2restaurant.com

FridayHappy Hour Serenade with David Anthony5 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. Ben Friberg Jazz Trio6 p.m. Table 2, 232 E.11th St. (423) 756-8253. www.table2restaurant.comAmber Fults7 p.m. Miller Plaza, Nightfall Concert Series, 850 Market St. www.nightfallchattanooga.comFailing the Fairest, Permillisecond, In this Hour, Dispel the Serpent’s Lie7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge. www.myspace.com/warehousetnJimmy Harris7:30 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. Rock N’ Roll Spectacular7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo Centennial Theatre, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000.Tim Hughes Quartet7:30 p.m. Blue Orleans Creole Restaurant, 3208 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 629-6538.

Arthur Godfrey with Krystal Godfrey8 p.m. Southside Saloon and Bistro, 1301 Chestnut St. (423) 757-4730. southsidesaloonandbistro.comSarah Lee Guthrie and Johnny Irion8 p.m. Miller Plaza, Nightfall Concert Series, 850 Market St. www.nightfallchattanooga.comKathy Tugman Quartet8:30 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 South Broad St. (423) 756-3400. www.chattanooganhotel.comChristmas, Big Kitty, Dolphin Mouth9 p.m. Discoteca, 304 E. Main St. (423) 386-3066. www.myspace.com/discotecabarLightning Billy Hopkins9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.comJK and the Lost Boys9 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919.Amber Fults10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.comDrug Money, White Noise, KRRS2410 p.m. The Drink, 5647 Brainerd Rd. www.partyatdrink.comNathan Farrow Band10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.comFried Chicken Trio10 p.m. T-Bones, 1419 Chestnut St. (423) 266-4240. www.tboneschattanooga.comBreakfast Club10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644.

Lightning Billy Hopkins10 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.comRacing Death, The Dirty Lungs10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

SaturdayBluegrass Jamboree11 a.m. Harrison Ruritan Club, 5709 Tyner Lane. (423) 344-8851.AJ Valcarcel’s Bitter Lesson7 p.m. Blue Orleans Creole Restaurant, 3208 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 629-6538. blueorleanscreolerestaurant.comBlueground Undergrass Reunion7 p.m. Chattanooga Riverfront, 201 Riverfront Pkwy. (423) 424-2000.www.riverfrontnights.comOh so Cavalier, They Came Running, Carl Pemberton7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge. www.myspace.com/warehousetnJimmy Harris7:30 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

500 Miles to MemphisCowpunk straight outta Cincinnati.$710 p.m.JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E, MLK. Blvd. (423) 266-1400. myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Thursday Spotlight

Music Calendar

Christmas, Big Kitty, Dolphin MouthAnother groovy night out on Main St.$610 p.m.Discoteca, 304 E. Main St.myspace.com/discotecabar

Friday Spotlight


Rock N’ Roll Spectacular7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo Centennial Theatre, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000.US Pipe8 p.m. Southside Saloon and Bistro, 1301 Chestnut St. (423) 757-4730. southsidesaloonandbistro.comBob Cheevers8 p.m. Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse, 105 McBrien Rd. (423) 893-4960. www.christunity.orgShannon Whitworth Band8 p.m. Barking Legs, 1322 Dodds Avenue. (423) 624-5347. www.barkinglegs.orgKathy Tugman Quartet8:30 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 South Broad St. (423) 756-3400. www.chattanooganhotel.comRick Rushing & The Blues Strangers9 p.m. The Offi ce, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). www.facebook.com/theoffi cechattOpen Mic Night9 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. www.mudpierestuarant.comSteve MonceRaw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919.www.riverfrontnights.com

Soul Mechanic10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.comOz and Jaynes10 p.m. T-Bones, 1419 Chestnut St. (423) 266-4240. www.tboneschattanooga.comFuture Virgins, Iron Chic, Hot New Mexicans10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemiaDubconcious with Flight Risk10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com

SundayNew Binkley Brothers, Mark Kelly Hall12:30 p.m. Chattanooga Market, 1826 Carter St. (423) 266-9270. www.chattanoogamarket.comOpen Mic w/Jeff Daniels 4 p.m. Ms. Debbie’s Nightlife Lounge 4762 Highway 58,(423) 485-0966.myspace.com/debbiesloungeIrish Music Session6 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.comOpen Mic8 p.m. Gene’s Bar & Grill, 724 Ashland Terrace, (423) 870-0880.myspace.com/genem14Saint Bernadette, Joe Roberts and Poverty Hash10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400.www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

MondayOld Tyme Music6 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.comPaul Lohorn and the Monday Nite Big Band7:30 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

TuesdayThe Ben Friberg Trio7 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th Street, (423) 756-8253. www.table2restaurant.com Gentlemens Jazz Quartet8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.comLightning Billy Hopkins8 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.comSpoken Word/Poetry Night8 p.m. The Riverhouse, 224 Frazier Ave., (423) 752-0066.Open Mic with Mike McDade9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.comNatural Habitz, Silence of Sorrow10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemiaDJ ScubaSteveFox and Hound Pub & Grille,2040 Hamilton Place Blvd., #150, (423) 490-1200. www.tentcorp.com

WednesdayBen Friberg Trio7 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.comJimmy Harris7:30 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. Johnny B. and Friends8 p.m. Bourbon Street Music Bar, 2000 E. 23rd St. (423) 826-1985.Two Man Gentleman Band8 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemiaArlo Gilliam9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.comPaul Thorn9 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.comOpen Mic Night9 p.m. Riverhouse Pub, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066.Open Mic with Mark Holder 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Shannon Whitworth BandPure Americana from a beautiful voice.$108 p.m.Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347. www.barkinglegs.org

Saturday Spotlight

Music Calendar

Music at the MarketCast Iron Cookin’ week, plus the New Binkleys!Free12:30 p.m. New Binkley Brothers2 p.m. Mark Kelly HallFirst Tennessee Pavilion, 1826 Reggie White Blvd.(423) 266-9270. www.chattanoogamarket.com

Sunday Spotlight

Send your calendar events to us at [email protected]


A couple of weeks ago I rendered an opinion within these pages as to my thoughts and feelings regarding the recent resurgence of the vinyl record, much to the chagrin of some faithful readers who took off ense to it.

Aside from harshly referring to anyone who’s too hip to truly admit the vast diff erences in fi delity between a scratchy record and pristine digital MP3 as a “sucker,” which I now admit was a tad much, I can’t imagine why anyone would care what I think about anything.

As an opinion columnist, I write whatever I want about whatever I choose, because it’s my opinion. And just like assholes, turns out everyone has one. It’s just that mine happens to be documented in this fi ne publication each week.

Th e best part about delivering your opinion is that you don’t have to be right or wrong about anything. I don’t even try (although I guess everyone thinks they are always right). I really don’t make a conscious eff ort to be politically correct, fair, unbiased, or even open-minded—just relatable. And by the opinions of those who shake my hand in favor of my opinions, if anything, my drivel is at least somewhat entertaining to some.

You can tell when you’ve really struck a nerve with those who disagree with your opinion when their response turns personal. I’ve been called everything in the book. Just last week I was referred to as a “fat head” by someone who disagreed with what I had to say. I must admit that I haven’t been referred

to in such a juvenile way since the second grade. A true playground comeback for sure. But that’s when you realize that some don’t understand the point of your opinion, or even that it’s just an opinion in the fi rst place.

Personally I feel for those who think that what I’m writing should be based on facts and that I should explore all sides of a “story” —much like a news piece. However, there’s nothing newsworthy about this column. In fact, half of the time it’s not even based on anything (like this one, for example).

So I decided the best way to illustrate my point would be to take some common subjects and present the diff erence between fact, and my opinion.

FACT: Raw oysters are a shoreline delicacy enjoyed by millions of seafood enthusiasts.

MY OPINION: Snot is meant for tissues, not tummies.

FACT: Bass Ale is a lot more expensive than Miller High Life.

MY OPINION: Th is represents the diff erence between a beer, and a buzz.

FACT: Lots of people I know used to stay home each and every Wednesday night in order not to miss one second of the TV show Lost.

MY OPINION: I was “lost” from the fi rst episode.

FACT: Th e 1950s were a simpler time without iPhones or the Rolling Stones, when simple values and good manners were paramount in our society.

MY OPINION: It would suck to live in the ’50’s.

FACT: Regardless of unfortunate attributes such as comb-over hairdos, cheesy

moustaches and golf shirts tucked into pleated blue jean shorts strapped shut by brown leather braided belts, some women seem to prefer men with lots of money.

MY OPINION: Because apparently money talks and bullshit wears cool vintage clothing.

FACT: Kid Rock is still famous.MY OPINION: Some people only have

taste in their mouths.FACT: Some prefer Tom Cruise’s

performances in Risky Business, Top Gun and Eyes Wide Shut to some of his other movies such as Cocktail, Days of Th under and Jerry McGuire.

MY OPINION: Th ey all suck. FACT: Vinyl records have experienced a

resurgence in popularity. MY OPINION: Why would anyone prefer

a wobbly platter of dusty, scratchy petroleum to a cleaner, crisper, vastly superior digital fi le?

Th ere you have it—the diff erence between fact and opinion. Now, while you may or may not agree with any of the opinions expressed above, you can’t deny that these thoughts are just my brand of rhetoric. And if my good editors will allow, they are expressed “without fear or favor” just like that other pulp publication in our fair city.

As Mayor Ron can probably attest, putting your ass on the line in a public forum will always generate some level of hate mail for sure. Th at’s why I don’t sweat it too much when people don’t completely agree with what I have to say. At least someone’s reading it…and thanks for doing so!

Life in the Noog By Chuck Crowder

In My Humble Opinion

“There’s nothing newsworthy about this column. In fact, half of the time it’s not even based on anything (like this one, for example).”

Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. And be sure to check out his popular website thenoog.com


The Bessie Smith Cultural Center is now featuring the touring Th ompson-Wilson Collection. Th is collection includes prominent artists and diverse styles. Besides paintings, there are a number of etchings and serigraphs, as well as other media.

Dorothy Th ompson-Wilson, a retired professor, began the collection in 1978 in Washington, D.C. She taught art classes at her home, and eventually, the collection outgrew her residence. Now the collection has visited more than 10 other cities. Th e presence of the collection here in Chattanooga enhances our current art off erings. Art lovers should see this show before it closes on September 24.

Among the collection’s pieces, two artists are particularly prominent: Romare Beardon and Joseph D. Holston Jr. Th ere are other artists who have more than one piece in this collection, but there are also numerous artists who are represented by a single piece, and their uniqueness broadens the range of styles.

Most of Romare Beardon’s pieces are color lithographs. Of these, I recognize “Falling Star” from an earlier show at the BSCC, and this is a stunning work. Some of Beardon’s pieces have collage elements, elements that stand out against color tones. Other pieces are much busier. His “Louisiana Sequence” presents an expressionist treatment with instruments appearing in various places with vibrant colors and forms throughout. In “Th e Family”, a photoetching and aquatint, details and dynamics convey a sense of intimacy with the artist’s vision. Th is is a rare phenomenon, and do forgive me if

this seems subjective, but this picture does contain a sense of transparency. Th e subtext of this work remains obvious, but the vision by which the elements are treated seems more available to me. “Th e Family” has immense impact.

Dorothy’s son Lamar Wilson told me that Joseph D. Holston Jr. was a neighbor of theirs in DC, and that his style has evolved to Cubism. Holston’s pieces in this collection feature earlier styles that express a range of accomplishment. His “Reclining Nude”, an etching/relief, is remarkably elegant. Its black-and-white initial impression becomes enhanced by a textural symmetry that enfolds the asymmetrical body. His “Nassau Strawberries”, a pastel, uses dynamic color with an expressionist background. In his other

pieces, mostly etchings with hand color, the subjects are treated in various ways, but very consistently with dynamic force and selectivity of

emphasis that provokes the eye. “Merry Go Round” is a marvelous example.

Marvin Posey’s “Th e Family” and “Th e Dancer”, acrylic on canvas, portray fi gures with abstracted backgrounds. His vibrant colors serve the eff ects of the pieces well. Th ese works possess great depth. Lamar Wilson explains that Posey was an artist from Tennessee who would go into music clubs and begin to paint while the music played. Th en he would auction off the paintings at the end of the night.

Of the represented artists’ work, there are a number of standout pieces. James King’s “Th e Couple” has a mystical quality, full of

color and texture. Th e couple themselves are metallic, and they are accented with celestial elements. Th e vibrancy and the texture of the whole move the viewer to joy.

Paul Goodnight’s “Hydrants”, a color lithograph, astonishes with its dynamic motion and color tones, expressing ecstasy. Similarly, “Soweto Nights” by Zah Anderson, a serigraph, provides ecstatic movement with minimal colors. A color etching by Momdadu, “Lift Every Heart and Sing”, brings an archetypal feel with its patterned colors.

John Riddle’s jazz painting “Th e Solo” also presents a fi gure with an expressionist background. Louis Delasarte’s “Jazz and Birdland”, a mixed media print, shows such honor for this fantastic moment in cultural history, full of synergy.

An event on September 23 will close this exhibition. Viva our intrepid collectors!

Arts & Entertainment By Michael Crumb

Collecting For Love

“The Thompson-Wilson Collection”$7 admissionRuns through September 24Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658.

“The subjects are treated in various ways, but very consistently with dynamic force and selectivity of emphasis that provokes the eye.”

Romare Beardon’s "Falling Star"


147th Anniversary of the Battle of Chickamauga10 a.m. Chickamauga National Park, 3370 Lafayette Rd., Fort Oglethorpe, GA. (706) 866-9241. www.nps.gov/chchChattanooga River Market10 a.m. Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695. www.tnaqua.orgBrainerd Farmers Market10 a.m. Grace Episcopal Church parking lot, 20 Belvoir Ave.Hubble in 3D11 a.m., 1,3, 5, 7 p.m. IMAX Theater at the Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695. Mosaic Market 11 a.m. 412 Market St. (corner of 4th/Market). (423) 624-3915Art Til DarkNoon. Northshore. (423) 413-8999. arttildark.wordpress.comFootball at the FallsNoon. Ruby Falls, 1720 South Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544. A Living Glass Art Experience1 p.m. Ignis Glass Studio, 1800 Rossville Avenue, #4. (423) 265-2565.

“Buy Local Authors” Fundraiser: Poetry Writers Book Presentation2 p.m. Eastgate Library, 5705 Marlin Rd., Ste. 1500, (423) 757-5310.Karen Mills7:30, 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.comA Little Bit of Country & Rock-n-Roll7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000. www.choochoo.comLegally Blonde - The Musical8 p.m. Memorial Auditorium, 399 McCallie Ave. (423) 757-5156. www.chattanooga.govInception8 p.m. IMAX Theater at the Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695. Chattanooga Ghost Tour8:15 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 1 Walnut St. (423) 821-7125. Female Impersonation ShowMidnight. Images, 6065 Lee Hwy. (423) 855-8210. www.imagesbar.com

Farm Sanctuary’s Walk for Farm Animals 201010 a.m. Ross’s Landing, Riverfront Pkwy. (423) 432-0500. 147th Anniversary of the Battle of Chickamauga10 a.m. Chickamauga National Park, 3370 Lafayette Rd., Fort Oglethorpe, GA. (706) 866-9241. Chattanooga Market11 a.m. First Tennessee Pavilion, 1826 Carter St. (423) 266-4041. Football at the FallsNoon. Ruby Falls, 1720 South Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544. “Buy Local Authors” Fundraiser: Poetry Writers Book Signing1 p.m. Eastgate Library, 5705 Marlin Rd. Suite 1500, (423) 757-5310.Family Day at TN River Gardens1:30 p.m. TN River Gardens, 22573 Highway 41. (423) 821-7341.Selah in Concert6:30 p.m. Collegedale Community Church, 4995 Swinyar Dr. (423) 396-5464. Karen Mills8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233.

4th Annual Regional Puppet Conference9 a.m. Residence Inn & Conference Center, 2340 Center St. (423) 757-5259.Chattanooga Market Thursday Plaza Party11 a.m. Miller Plaza, 850 Market St. www.chattanoogamarket.comWild Grass (Independent Film Series)1:10, 3:45, 6:20, 8:55 p.m. Majestic 12, 311 Broad St. iLead Professional Development Program6 p.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. The Photographic Society of Chattanooga Meeting6:30 p.m. St. John’s United Methodist Church, 3921 Murray Hills Dr. (423) 591-2916. Flicks Café: This Gun For Hire6:30 p.m. Chattanooga-Hamilton County Bicentennial Library, 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310. Wood and Strings Theatre7 p.m. Lee University, 1120 N Ocoee St., Cleveland, TN. (423) 614-8000.

4th Annual Regional Puppet Conference9 a.m. Residence Inn & Conference Center, 2340 Center St. (423) 757-5259.147th Anniversary of the Battle of Chickamauga10 a.m. Chickamauga National Park, 3370 Lafayette Rd., Fort Oglethorpe, GA. (706) 866-9241. www.nps.gov/chchHubble in 3D11 a.m., 1, 3, 5,7 p.m. IMAX Theater at the Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695. Mystery of the Nightmare Offi ce Party6 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.comWood and Strings Theatre7 p.m. Lee University, 1120 N Ocoee St., Cleveland, TN. (423) 614-8000. www.leeuniversity.edu/theatreC. S. Lewis Society of Chattanooga September Meeting7 p.m. The Camp House, 1427 Williams St. www.cslewischattanooga.org

A Little Bit of Country & Rock-n-Roll7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000. www.choochoo.comKaren Mills7:30, 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.comCSO Masterworks: “Symphony No. 5, Schubert and Shostakovich”8 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 267-8583. www.chattanoogasymphony.orgInception8 p.m. IMAX Theater at the Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695.Chattanooga Ghost Tour8:15 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 1 Walnut St. (423) 821-7125. www.chattanoogaghosttours.comMystery of Flight 1388:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. Female Impersonation ShowMidnight. Images, 6065 Lee Hwy. (423) 855-8210. www.imagesbar.com

Thursday Friday

CSO Masterworks: Symphony No.

5, Schubert and ShostakovichCSO opens with two “Fifths” from major composers.$19-$788 p.m.Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St.(423) 267-8583. www.chattanoogasymphony.org

A&E Calendar Highlights Send your calendar events to us at [email protected]

Saturday Sunday

Legally Blonde—The Musical

The tale of Elle Woods in the singing and dancing version.$31.50-$56.508 p.m.Memorial Auditorium, 399 McCallie Ave.(423) 642-TIXS. www.chattanoogaonstage.com

New Voices Poetry Reading

Speak your verse among fellow poets.Free.6:30 – 8:30 p.m.Pasha Coffee House, 3914 St. Elmo Ave.

Weekly Open Figure Drawing

Live model in quick poses.$102 – 5 p.m.Rivoli Art Mill, 2301 E. 28th St.www.fi guredrawing.net


147th Anniversary of the Battle of Chickamauga10 a.m. Chickamauga National Park, 3370 Lafayette Rd., Fort Oglethorpe, GA. (706) 866-9241. www.nps.gov/chchPower 94 Comedy Night7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.comSpeak Easy: Spoken Word and Poetry8 p.m. The Offi ce, 901 Carter St. (inside the Days Inn)“Flavors of Tuscany” by Cam BuschNorth River Civic Center, 1009 Executive Dr. Ste. 102. (423) 870-8924.“Kathleen Mack Exhibit”Shuptrine Fine Art Group, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453. www.shuptrinefi neartgroup.com“Butterfl y Handled Tea Paraphernalia”Houston Museum of Decorative Arts, 201 High St. (423) 267-7176. www.thehoustonmuseum.com

Chai SteppersNoon Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 North Terrace Rd. (423) 493-0270. www.jewishchattanooga.comOne Way Ticket: A Musical Journey6 p.m. Chattanooga High School Center for Creative Arts, 1301 Dallas Rd. (423) 209-5942.“Americana-Freedom” Juried ExhibitionShuptrine Fine Art Group, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453. www.shuptrinefi neartgroup.com“The Flag in Our Hands, Seeking America in 2009”Saint Andrews-Sewanee School, 290 Quintard Rd, Sewanee, TN. (931) 598-5651.Local Artists ExhibitRefl ections Gallery, Eastgate Town Center, 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 892-3072. www.refl ectionsgallerytn.com“The World Within”River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033. www.river-gallery.com.

Main Street Farmers Market4 p.m. Main St. at Williams St. www.mainstfarmersmarket.comWorks by Lynne A. Mayer and Deidra NehrenzMy Color Image Boutique and Gallery, 330 Frazier Ave. (423) 598-6202.“Collecting is a Legacy: The Thompson-Wilson Collection”Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 E. Martin Luther King Blvd. (423) 266-8658.“Nature’s Way”Bill Shores Frame and Gallery, 307 Manufacturers Rd. (423) 756-6746. www.billshoresframes.comStephen Rolfe Powell Glass ExhibitionHunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. “Refl ectance”Sewanee University Art Gallery, 68 Georgia Ave. www.sewanee.edu/gallery“West & West”Refl ections Gallery, 6922 Lee Hwy. www.refl ectionsgallerytn.com

Coco Chanel and Igor StravinskyNext entry in the AEC Independent Film Series examines the love affair between the soon-to-be famous designer and the

Russian composer.For showtimes, contact www.carmike.comCarmike Majestic 12, 311 Broad St.www.artsedcouncil.org

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week

A&E Calendar Highlights


Free Will Astrology By Rob [email protected]

Crossword created By Matt Jones. © 2010 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #0485.

JONESIN’ “Over The Hill”–start adding on the years.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): “Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinions at all.” German aphorist Georg Christoph Lichtenberg said that, and now I’m off ering it for you to use. Are you game? Try this experiment: For seven days, divest yourself of your opinions. And I mean all of them: opinions about politicians, celebrities, immigration reform, rockabilly music, your friends’ choices in mates—everything. For this grace period, be utterly non-judgmental and open-minded and tolerant. Allow everything to be exactly what it is without any need to wish it were otherwise. By experiment’s end, you’ll probably feel more relaxed than you have in a long time.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Th e Latin motto “Dulcius ex aspiris” means “Sweetness out of diffi culty.” It has a diff erent meaning from “relief aft er diffi culty” or “character-building from diffi culty.” It suggests a scenario in which a challenging experience leads not just to a successful outcome, but also to a delicious, soothing harmony that would not have been possible without the diffi culty. Th is is what I foresee coming for you, Libra.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Give the best gift s you can possibly give, Scorpio. Don’t hoard any of the intense blessings you have at your disposal. It’s time to unveil the fullness of your idiosyncratic generosity…to bestow upon the world the naked glory of your complex mojo. Some people will be better able than others to receive and use your zesty off erings, and it’s OK to favor them with more of your magnanimity. On the other hand, don’t spend too long worrying about the fi ne points of how to disseminate your wealth. Th e important thing is to let it fl ow like a river fresh from eternity.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “Do not think you will necessarily be aware of your own enlightenment,” said Zen Buddhist teacher Dogen. Which leads me to say: “Do not think you will necessarily be aware of becoming a role model and potent infl uence.” Th e way I see it, either of those developments may happen in the coming weeks. Without suff ering any pangs of self-consciousness, you could suddenly fi nd yourself thrust into a higher, brighter, more powerful state of being. I doubt there’ll be any stress or strain involved. Rather, it will naturally occur while you’re being your strong-minded, expansive self, trying simply to rearrange the world to conform to your vision of paradise.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Soon it will probably be time for you to wrap up the Season of Exploration. You’ve surveyed the outlands and fringe areas enough for now, right? I’m guessing that you’ve reconnoitered the forbidden zones so thoroughly that you may not need to do any more probing. Or am I wrong about this? Am I underestimating your longing to push out to the frontiers and beyond? Maybe your brushes with exotic creatures and tempting adventures have whetted your appetite for even more escapades. I’ll tell you what, Capricorn: I’m going to trust your intuition on this one. Are you ready to rein in your risk-taking, or are you hungry for more?

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): When I was living in Los Angeles in the summer of 1986, I had a memorable dream. In the dream, I was dancing with God. As best as I can describe it, the Divine Wow was a female whirlwind exuding cool blue fi re and singing ecstatic melodies. Now and then I caught a glimpse of something that resembled a face and body, but mostly she was a sparkling fl uidic vortex that I moved in and out of as we fl oated and tumbled and leaped. Th e contact was so vivid and visceral that from that day forward I never again said, “I believe in God.” My experience was as real as making love with a human being; “belief ” was irrelevant. I predict that you will soon have a comparable encounter with a primal force, Aquarius—whatever passes for “God” in your world.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Th e eighth-century theologian known as the Venerable Bede compared our

existence to a sparrow that fl ies in the window of a royal castle while the king is enjoying a winter feast with his entourage. Outside, a snowstorm is raging. Inside, there’s a big fi re in the hearth that keeps everyone warm. But the sparrow doesn’t stay in this welcoming place; it quickly fl ies out another window on the other side of the dining room, refraining from plucking any of the delicious scraps of food the revelers have discarded. Bede says that the sparrow’s actions are like ours in our own approach to living our lives. Well, guess what, Pisces: I don’t think that will be true for you in the coming months. Judging from the astrological omens, I suspect that once you fl y into the feast room, you won’t depart like a restless, confused wanderer. You will linger.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): When teen pop star Miley Cyrus appeared on David Letterman’s late-night TV talk show, band leader Paul Schaeff er asked her if she lip-syncs to pre-recorded music during her performances. Miley replied that no, she never fakes it. For evidence, she said, anyone could go watch a Youtube clip from one of her concerts. Sometimes she sounds terrible, which proves that she’s risking the imperfection of actually singing live. I urge you to follow Miley’s lead in your own sphere, Aries. In the coming week, you really do need to be as raw as the law allows. Be your authentic self, please—with no Auto-Tune-like enhancements.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Here’s your mantra: BIG GREEN LUCK EVERYWHERE. I urge you to say it frequently in the coming days. Sing it soft ly to yourself while you’re driving your car or riding on public transportation. Whisper it as a prayer before each meal. BIG GREEN LUCK EVERYWHERE. Chant it in rhythm to your steps as you walk. Murmur it to the tiny angel looking down at you from the ceiling just before you drop off to sleep. Yell it out as you’re dancing beneath the sky. BIG GREEN LUCK EVERYWHERE. It’ll work its magic even if you don’t know exactly why you’re saying it or what it means.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Th is is an excellent time for you to revamp your relationship with your body. All the cosmic rhythms are aligned to help you. How should you go about it? Th e fi rst thing to do is formulate your intentions. For example, would you like to feel more perfectly at home in your body? Would you revel in the freedom of knowing that the body you have is exactly right for your soul’s needs? Can you picture yourself working harder to give your body the food and sleep and movement it requires to be at its best? If you have any doubts about how to proceed, ask your body to provide you with clues.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): While growing up, U.S. president Abraham Lincoln lived in Indiana for 14 years. Th e Lincoln Boyhood National Memorial commemorates his time there. When my friend Janet was seven years old, her second-grade class visited the place. While strolling around outside, she found a Band-Aid on the ground and excitedly assumed it had once graced a booboo on Old Abe himself. She took it home and secretly used it as a talisman. When she rubbed it on her own wounds, it seemed to have magical healing properties. Only later did she realize that Band-Aids weren’t invented until 55 years aft er Lincoln’s death. No matter. Th e artifact had done a superb job. I predict you will soon fi nd a comparable placebo, Cancerian.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Afghan farmers grow a lot of poppies—more than anywhere else in the world. While most of the crop is converted into opium and heroin, it could just as well be used to create poppy seed bagels—as many as 357 trillion of them by one estimate. Th e way I see it, Leo, you have a comparable choice ahead of you. A resource that’s neutral in its raw or natural state could be harnessed in a relatively good cause or a not-so-good cause. And I bet you will be instrumental in determining which way it goes.

Across1 Gets droopy5 “Caught you!” cries9 “I’d Rather Go Naked Th an Wear Fur” org.13 Mrs. Peacock’s game14 Coff eehouse order16 Persian’s place17 Tell-all book where Pop-eye’s girl admits she loved Bluto?20 Sleek swimmer21 Temple site near Luxor22 Macbeth, and others24 Former money in Spain28 Waxy buildup site29 Airport guess: abbr.32 Decorated anew33 ACLU’s concern: abbr.34 “See ya later, everybody”36 Composer who’s a march-ing band staple37 Review of a long-ago hit as “really bothersome”?40 Former Chinese premier Zhou ___42 Welcome, as houseguests43 Th ree before LBJ46 Walked over48 Agent

49 Guitar amp eff ect50 A roll of 4 and 6, in craps52 ___-faire54 Encircled57 ___ with everything58 Perfume maker, really?62 Late magician Henning63 Division of Islam64 Beginner: var.65 Plato of “Diff ’rent Strokes”66 “Th e Man Who Fell to Earth” director Nicolas67 Cong. meeting

Down 1 Foot-powered vehicle2 Hot stuff 3 Santana highlights4 Digits some people write with an extra slash5 TLA sometimes paired with LOL6 Catchy part of a song7 Prefi x for -gon8 Pointy9 Gave a hard time to10 Slip up11 ___ kwon do12 Six-legged hauler15 “Lou Grant” star Ed

18 Before, to Burns19 Makes a gradual transi-tion23 Big rig25 No pushover26 Ques. counterpart27 Word before cow or horse30 “Little piggies”31 Pursuing34 Just plain dumb35 Like some refi lls38 “Alejandro” singer39 Sounds from a toy poodle40 Summer, in Saint-Tropez41 Gun-toting gp.44 Black eyes45 Bullfi ghting fi gures47 “Shoot!”49 Tennis great Chris and family51 Senegalese singer Youssou ___53 Blood type system55 Cube maker Rubik56 Unit of force58 Like 6959 Mauna ___ (macadamia nut brand)60 Kicks61 Permanent hairdo?


by Alex TeachTh e Pulse Cynic Correspondent

CHATTANOOGA – It might have a reputation as a growth industry in good times and bad, but that does not mean the local drug trade is immune to the economic troubles affecting other parts of the business world and private sector.

“Th is is ridiculous,” says local drug dealer Raymond “Dry Bones” Jeff erson, a second-tier dealer in the greater Highland Park and Duncan Avenue area. “I got bills to pay, too. And my late fee is a jacketed hollow point slug to the back of the head. Th at’s a lot of pressure to sell,” he went on to explain. “Say…you ever get wet?”

Tri-state-area drug dealers are a demographic oft en left out of mainstream media reports during these trying times, yet traffi ckers throughout the region are reporting declining revenues across the board as both recreational and hard-core users cut costs amid a tough economy.

“We’re just not getting what we used to,” said David “Bulky Slick” Reiss, another second-tier dealer in the East M. L. King and Palmetto Street area. “It used to be I couldn’t keep a Double Bubble or a Buda in stock. Now I can barely move a Tin or an Aspirin pop.”

He’s not alone. Most area drug dealers contacted for this article reluctantly reported that enrollments have dropped steadily over the past two years. Th e same trend is going on throughout the nation, according to numerous street-wise sources surveyed from New York to San Diego.

Th e employment problem was initially a boon to the illicit drug trade. People who were laid off no longer needed child care, and their free time skyrocketed while their self-esteem plummeted to unforeseen lows, one of the primary reasons people do drugs in the fi rst place.

“It was, like, a golden age for drug dealing,” Reiss said. “Th ere was no end in sight.”

Successful, secure people employed for years and decades suddenly found themselves jobless with only minimal savings, having eliminated thoughts of saving cash in preference to relying upon readily available credit for things as inappropriate as rent and small amounts of weed, which quickly went from a hobby to a crutch as prospects for month-to-month security slowly grew more distant for the newly unemployed.

Another unexpected boon to the drug trade was the downsizing of corporate laboratories.

As professionals in the fi elds of chemistry and agriculture were laid off , new local suppliers of high-quality products came on the scene, drastically lowering costs to street dealers by reducing the need for risk-heavy imports and the turf wars that inevitably developed between the points of manufacture in and outside the U.S. and the products’ eventual sale.

“It was like a Sam’s for drug dealers was built in our own back yards,” according to another source who wished to be identifi ed only as “Two-time Dick”.

But like all towers, the higher it was built, the further and faster it would eventually fall, and fall it did.

As the employment drought stretched on, so did the purchasing power of the non-user elements of society. And like any delicate ecosystem, the removal of readily stolen articles for the common drug user led to a shortage of cash, and this defi cit eventually hit the dealers themselves as well. “We never saw it coming,” said Bulky Slick. “Granted, we were high most of the

time, but it still seems unfair.”While many dealers and users alike are trying to come

up with unique ways of dealing with these challenges, many have already cut costs to the bare minimum and are not sure where to turn.

Local thief James “Skinny Tickle” Avery said that the downturn was so sudden it also took the cushion away before hitting rock bottom. “Even rehab is gone,” says Avery. “Was before, when you got too far into the ‘the Game’ you could just ease up into CADAS or some Bible ranch. Now, even they is shut down because nobody’s got insurance no more.”

“Its signs is everywhere,” he went on to say. “I broke into, like, three, maybe fi ve houses this week. Nothing. Not even toothpaste. Who don’t buy toothpaste?”

“I can’t even imagine what this Christmas is going to be like,” he said while looking listlessly at the ground and absently scratching at a scab-covered neck. “Breaking and entering is work. Hard work. Imagine going to all that trouble and fi nding an empty damn Christmas tree. And while you’re already Jonesen’ at that.”

On The Beat

Local Drug Dealers Feeling Economic Downturn


I haven’t seen a “Resident Evil” movie since the fi rst one. One was really enough for me, and as far as zombie movies go, it was pretty close to the bottom; it wasn’t My Boyfriend’s Back or Dead Alive, but it wasn’t Romero territory either. Th ere have been four fi lms now, so I went into this one two fi lms behind.

I believe that I missed a few plot points, so I’m going to see if I can fi ll in the blanks here. By the end of the fi rst fi lm, Alice (Milla Jovovich) had fought her way through hordes of zombies out of the underground labs of the evil Umbrella Corporation, which created the virus that caused the zombie outbreak, only to fi nd that the virus had spread so quickly, the surface had been overrun. In the second movie, Alice kills a lot of zombies. She gets out of the city, only to fi nd that the rest of the world had been overrun, and that the Umbrella Corporation has continued to experiment with the virus, and are pursuing her for some reason. At the end of the second fi lm, she is cornered by Umbrella and zombies. In the third fi lm, she kills a lot of zombies and faceless Umbrella Corporation soldiers and is accidentally infected with the virus, but instead of becoming a zombie she inexplicably gains superpowers. She then returns to the underground facility to exact her revenge. Th is is where we begin in Resident Evil: Aft erlife. How close am I? A quick check of Wikipedia reveals that I’m off in my timeline (She gained superpowers in the second movie). But that’s not important. What is important is that Milla Jovovich wears skintight clothing and gets wet a lot.

Th e fi lm series is based on a series of video games in the same way Wild Wild West is a documentary on 1860s law enforcement. One doesn’t have anything to do with the other. I’ve never understood why movies

based on video games completely ignore the source material in favor of retooling story and character into something unrecognizable. Popular video games usually have tightly knit stories that could easily be lift ed and adapted without much work. Th is would please the target demographic to no end, seeing as they are really only interested in having their interests validated onscreen. Add a few actors that geeks like (Milla Jovovich, Alyson Hannigan, Carrie from Mythbusters) and some high-tech visuals and the movie basically makes itself. Hollywood doesn’t do that, however. Instead, they take a popular video game title, put it on a movie that has very few recognizable features of that title, and make a poorly acted, inexplicable mess of industrial music and graphic violence. Resident Evil: Aft erlife is an exceptional execution of this format.

As I said, we begin where Resident Evil: Extinction left off . Th e opening scenes of the movie look essentially like a music video, with lots of incomprehensible battles, slow-motion shots of Alice posing with

intimidating weapons, and dead henchmen set to electronic drumbeats. Alice dispatches 20-to-30 henchmen in hand-to-hand combat, before annihilating an entire squadron

with her mind. Th is seems to be a more effi cient way of killing bad guys, but she insists on cutting their heads off with swords while she jumps over them in slow motion. Alice may have anger issues. We learn later

that Alice isn’t alone; it fact, she has hundreds of clones of herself helping her take down the facility. Th is is a clever way of getting as much Milla Jovovich as possible. A few fi ght scenes and some exposition later, Alice gets injected with a serum that attacks her T-cells which cause her to get…HIV? Granted my medical knowledge is small, but I remember something about T-cells and AIDS from my health classes. But in the world of movies, Alice loses her powers rather than suff ering from a deadly autoimmune disease. Th is doesn’t make her any less formidable. She can still survive plane crashes, kill zombies, and do back fl ips with the best of them. Ultimately, Alice ends up on top of a maximum-security prison in Los Angeles, with other zombie survival stereotypes, looking for a way to reach a ship broadcasting hope for the future. Oh, and there’s a big guy with a giant hammer/axe. I don’t know what that’s about.

Resident Evil: Aft erlife is the only new fi lm that opened as a wide release this week. So far, it has taken in $28 million in ticket sales. Th is lack of competition must have been intentional. I can’t think of any other reason why it has done so well—unless it has something to do with the fi lm being released in 3D. Ten dollars and fi ft y cents for a matinee combined with nothing else new to see could potentially make even a movie as terrible as this one a recordbreaker. I’m on to you, Hollywood.

Film Feature By John DeVore

One Too Many Zombies

Resident Evil: AfterlifeDirected by Paul W. S. AndersonStarring Milla Jovovich, Ali Larter, Kim CoatesRated RRunning time: 1 hour, 30 minutes

“I’ve never understood why movies based on video games completely ignore the source material in favor of retooling story and character into something unrecognizable.”


New In Theaters

Alpha and Omega Aft er being relocated to Idaho by park rangers, a female and a male wolf face a dangerous trip across unfamiliar territory in their attempt to fi nd their way home to Canada. Another animated feature that seems to have been made by a studio with no knowledge of how to market animated fi lms. Co-director Anthony Bell worked on “Th e Boondocks”, while partner Ben Gluck has been a go-to storyboard artist for years, but one wonders if studio Lionsgate can eff ectively promote the fi lm, which so far has been almost entirely invisible.Stars: Hayden Panettiere, Christina Ricci, Justin LongDirector: Anthony Bell, Ben Gluck

Easy A As she studies the classic novel Th e Scarlet Letter, high schooler Olive Penderghast notices her parallels to the novel and begins to work the school’s rumor mill to advance her social and fi nancial standing. Director Will Gluck moves away from light-hearted fl uff fi lms and starts working on his own screenplays, this one a rather innovative spin on a classic tale—though the choice of casting Emma Stone as a wallfl ower who can’t get attention until she become a faux-slut seems a bit far-fetched. Also, what high school is America is inhabited solely by boys who are

either virgins or gay?Stars: Emma Stone, Amanda Bynes, Penn BadgleyDirector: Will Gluck

Devil A group of people trapped in a elevator realize that the devil is among them. Written and produced, but not directed, by M. Night Shyamalan who is attempting to reinvent his fi lm career by going away from big-picture spooky dramas and focusing on small-scale classic horror/suspense. Just don’t watch this in a theater that has an elevator.Stars: Chris Messina, Caroline Dhavernas, Bokeem WoodbineDirector: Drew Dowdle, John Erick Dowdle

Never Let Me Go In a dystopian Britain, boarding school friends Ruth, Kathy, and Tommy face the sobering reality that awaits them all as they mature into adults. Director Mark Romanek long-awaited follow-up to One Hour Photo tackles a world in which people are cloned for use in organ transplants. Th e story the fi lm is based on, written by Kazuo Ishiguro, is considered by many to be one of the best contemporary novels ever written. Stars: Keira Knightley, Carey Mulligan, Andrew Garfi eldDirector: Mark Romanek

Th e Town Career thief Doug MacRay considers deepening his relationship with Claire, a bank teller who was traumatized by a recent heist—and who has no idea that Doug was behind the crime. Meanwhile, an investigator, who is close to unmasking Doug’s secret life, wrestles with his feelings for Claire. Ben Affl eck enters the third phase of his career, writing, starring and directing a fi lm that many early reviews predict could be in contention for a Best Picture nomination. While Affl eck has been somewhat of a tabloid target over the past several years, his second turn behind the lens shows a great deal of maturity and a deft hand with actors. Whether people are willing to take in a heavyweight drama set in a nearly monochromatic Boston underworld during a still, hot September remains to be seen.Stars: Ben Affl eck, Rebecca Hall, Jon

Hamm Director: Ben Affl eck


Spirits Within By Joshua Hurley

Margaritas To GoBy request, we are re-running this piece from earlier in the summer.

Several weeks ago, I was watching a science-fi ction fi lm involving space travel. A character in the fi lm off ered another character a drink. He then produced a brown cube, which he placed into a rocks glass. Th e character then placed the glass on what looked like a coff ee machine’s broiler, but instead of water streaming through the fi lter’s spigot, the machine shot a laser to the cube that then melted into brown whiskey. How’s that for portability! Sadly, we may be 100 years from such an invention, but today and for this week’s “Great Buy”, we can off er a pre-made margarita in a pouch that you freeze to enjoy a slushy margarita that can be taken anywhere.

Great Buys is a weekly column where Riley’s Wine and Spirits on Hixson Pike in Hixson picks something exciting from the area’s largest selection of wine and spirits from around the world and shares it with the readership of Th e Pulse.

Cordina’s Mar’go’ritas were created by two gentlemen vacationing together with their families. Th e two guys, who work in the spirits industry, were relaxing with frozen margaritas on a beach and wondering how they could package a single-serving margarita that you could freeze and would stay slushy for a period of time aft er removed from the freezer. Ultimately, one of the men’s sons passed by enjoying a Capri Sun (the popular fruit punch in a foil bag) and bingo!—they had their package.

Th e foil pack works perfectly to insulate the frozen drink and keep it slushy for up to fi ve hours. Now, having the packaging fi gured out, the two inventors went about fi guring the drink’s formula. Number one, it contains real lime juice, nothing artifi cial or fake. Number two, it’s got real salt—both blended together with 100 percent agave wine.

What is agave wine? Well, fi rst of all, tequila is made from the agave, which is

a cactus-like plant found in the desert. Th e agave can stand up to 10 feet tall and contains long, threatening, sword-like clusters that make it look similar to the aloe plant—but in fact the agave plant is a relative of the pineapple. Once every eight-to-twelve years, the plant’s sap rushes to the base of the plant, which causes the agave to bloom. Th is alerts the farmers that the plant is ready for harvesting. Once harvested, the plant’s stalk is cut into pieces and crushed to extract all its juice. If the juice were to become tequila, it would then be distilled and aged in oak. To become “agave wine”, that same juice is fermented much the same way port wine is made. Like port wine, agave wine can be fortifi ed. Th is means distilled spirits can be added to it to increase its alcohol content from its initial 7.5 percent. Th e fortifi ed wine is between 20 and 25 percent alcohol. Agave wine’s similarity to port allows it a wine classifi cation; therefore it is not subject to liquor’s harsher regulations and can be sold at bars with beer and wine licensing.

Riley’s Wine and Spirits off ers Cordina’s Mar’go’ritas in four-packs for $9.61 plus tax or one-pack for $2.50 each plus tax. Available already frozen. Cheers!


The Pulse • Dining Out Spotlight

El Ranchero Heats Up East Ridgeby D. E. Langley

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” “The stronger the breeze, the stronger the trees.” “Every cloud has a silver lining.”

We’ve all heard these adages time and again, their utility to us seemingly varied with the severity of the predicament we face at a given moment. Life hurled a bushel of lemons recently at Mike Patel, owner of the Country Hearth Inn at 6700 Ringgold Road. Flooding had destroyed the sports bar adjacent to the inn, and Patel was left with an empty shell of an eatery, with no kitchen to supply meals for his guests.

Rather than simply reopen the sports bar, he decided instead to use the necessity of renovation as an opportunity to open a full-fl edged restaurant. In addition to the standard repairs needed, he remodeled, changed the menu, and brought in new management. The result? El Ranchero, a Mexican restaurant and bar, opened in June. So why Mexican?

“Everybody loves Mexican food,” Patel told me, “and there wasn’t really a sit-down Mexican restaurant in this area.” That’s certainly not the case anymore. Tablecloths and Spanish-style recessed niches greet guests with a lounge atmosphere, ideal for sitting down to a nice meal with friends.

The menu at El Ranchero is an extensive mix of both authentic Mexican plates and the dishes most Americans think of when the subject of Mexican food is brought up. “It’s authentic Mexican as well as the ‘classics,’” Patel said. “We are using fresh produce and not taking shortcuts, no MSG or anything like that.”

That philosophy means in addition to the items you might be more accustomed to (including $3.99 lunch specials!), you’ll fi nd

dishes like chilaquiles (tortilla chips, resoftened by simmering in a tasty sauce), nopales a’la Mexicana (cactus cooked with peppers), sincronizadas (a regional ham and cheese sandwich, not to be mistaken for a quesadilla), and, perhaps the most interesting item for gringos, the molcajete. The word “molcajete” actually refers to the type of mortar (as in “mortar and pestle”) the dish is served in. The bowl is heated and fi lled with a variety of meats, the warmed basalt serving to keep the “meat cocktail” toasty throughout one’s meal.

Despite the presence of these classic Mexican especialidades (and more), something else caught my eye, or to be more honest, caught my nostrils. A couple sitting at the bar had ordered some fajitas just as I walked in, and the intoxicating smell was still lingering after I spoke with the owner about the menu. “Oh, the Texas fajitas,” Patel acknowledged, as if he’d been waiting for me to ask. “We already have

repeat customers coming in for them.” That little tidbit, combined with that heaven-sent, redolent aroma, settled the question of what dish I would sample that evening. I didn’t even bother asking specifi cs.

When the sizzling dish was brought out, I enjoyed discovering not only steak (the namesake of the dish), but chicken and shrimp as well, all interspersed with peppers, onions, and juicy tomatoes. The seasoning was superb, and explained the provocative smell. Each component was absolutely delicious. Joined with rice and beans, and accompanied by sour cream, pico de gallo, and guacamole, the portion size was unbelievable. After putting down four fl our tortillas stuffed with the mixture, I still had enough left over for another meal! I certainly understand how the dish could inspire a

repeat visit.The food isn’t the only draw at El Ranchero.

The bar serves beer, and they’re in the process of getting their liquor license. At present, they have 12-ounce drafts for 99 cents, and for those with a mighty thirst, 32-ounce drafts for $1.99. Once the full bar arrives, Patel told me, it will be unique to the area.

Given El Ranchero’s location adjacent to the Inn, it’s also a great spot for hosting large groups. They have meeting rooms and party rooms available, and will gladly cater a Mexican feast for your crowd, even if you’re not staying at the hotel.

Having a rough day? A good drink and a full belly always help. Drop by El Ranchero. They’ve been making lemonade since the day they opened. (Not really. But the fajitas are killer.)

El Ranchero, 6700 Ringgold Road. Open 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. Call (423) 826-2950 .


Dear Mexican, I work at a large hotel in Orange County

where 80 percent of the employees are Latin American, primarily Mexican. I love all of them and enjoy working with them. However, the one thing that bothers me is that when they are speaking to each other, they only speak in Spanish. Th ey do it in front of our customers and we have had some complaints about it. To me, it’s equivalent to whispering in front of someone. In addition, we have a break room with a television and they will always have it on the Spanish channel. Some of them will off er to change it when a non-Spanish speaking employee comes in, but for the most part, they don’t even off er and seem annoyed if we ask to change it to a show we can all understand. I’m a supervisor and feel that I should bring it to their attention how rude it can be what they are doing, but do not want to off end them or their culture. Is it rude for me to ask or do you believe I have a right to ask them to only speak English at work?— Th e English Only Speaking Employee

Dear Gabacho, Two separate concerns here: the public

and private workplace. As a supervisor, you can make your employees hablar English while in front of customers and not risk a discrimination complaint (although I would tell your customers that, no: the Mexicans aren’t whispering about them. Probably discussing Chivas soccer). But ask them to switch off the Univisión for ESPN, and beware of federal precedent. A 2008 consent decree by the United States District Court in Massachusetts allowed the Salvation Army

to require workers to speak English in front of customers, but also allowed foreign-language workers to use their native tongue while on break. Break-room politics mandate that television privileges are inherited through a strict line of remote-control succession, but you can always play the gabacho card and ask the TV tlatoani to switch the channel out of common courtesy. But other than that, you’re caca out of luck. Enjoy Sábado Gigante!

Dear Mexican,It seems like a large number of Mexican-

Americans trace their ancestry back to west-central Mexico—Jalisco, Michoacán, and nearby. Well, these areas were never controlled by the Aztecs! Th e Indian blood in people from that part of Mexico comes from Tarascan or other nations. So, how do Mexicans of other-than-Aztec ancestry feel about the constant Aztec symbolism in the national iconography—the eagle with a snake in its mouth, the Nahuatl words, and for that matter, the name of the country itself!?— Conozco Demasiado

Dear Know-A-Lot, Gracias for reminding gabachos that

Mexican indigenous society isn’t just of Aztec ancestry. Th at said, we’re so far removed from the initial contact between the Aztecs and Spaniards that most non-Nahua Mexicans don’t give a segunda thought to the subsequent appropriation, integration, and propagation of Aztec imagery by criollos and mestizos while

creating the Mexican national character. Another history lesson, gabachos: Th at Mexican fl ag image of the eagle perched upon a cactus upon a stone in a lake, with a gripped snake in its beak? Came from the Aztec myth that they were to build Tenochtitlán in the area where they found such an image. Nahuatl loan words in Mexican Spanish? Nearly all that end with the suffi x –te—chocolate, tomate, zopilote, cacahuate, mayate—and hundreds of others. Th e actual name, Mexico? From Mexica, what the Aztecs actually called themselves. And the Virgin of Guadalupe, Mexico’s ultimate symbol? A syncretism of the Spanish black Madonna by the same name and the Aztec goddess Tonantzin. Th ere still is resistance to such ideology among certain indigenous, but the struggles of the Mixtecos and Zapatistas at this point is more against the current ruling class than the direct descendants of Cuauhtémoc at this point. As for why so many Mexicans identify with their imaginary Aztec ancestry? Another pregunta, otra column—but same bat channel.

“That Mexican fl ag image of the eagle perched upon a cactus upon a stone in a lake, with a gripped snake in its beak? Came from the Aztec myth that they were to build Tenochtitlán in the area where they found such an image.”

Ask A Mexican! By Gustavo Arellano

Univision and the Aztecs

Ask the Mexican at [email protected], be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

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