Styles of CommunicationStyles of Communication

Making Meaningful ConnectionsMaking Meaningful Connections

22

COMMUNICATIONCOMMUNICATION STYLESSTYLES

Assertion is a style of communication. We Assertion is a style of communication. We all have learned different styles of all have learned different styles of communication as we have adapted to the communication as we have adapted to the various situations of our lives.various situations of our lives.

Though there are times when it is best to Though there are times when it is best to be be passivepassive and times when it is best to be and times when it is best to be aggressiveaggressive, in most situations it works , in most situations it works best to best to communicate assertivelycommunicate assertively. .

33

Communication StyleCommunication Style

Your communication Your communication style is a set of style is a set of learned behaviors.learned behaviors.

Assertive behaviorAssertive behavior is a skill that can be is a skill that can be learned and learned and maintained with maintained with practice practice

44

DEFINITION - AssertionDEFINITION - Assertion

...standing up for ...standing up for personal rights and personal rights and expressing thoughts, expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in feelings and beliefs in direct, honest, and direct, honest, and appropriate ways that appropriate ways that do not violate another do not violate another person’s rightsperson’s rights

55

ASSERTIONASSERTION

The The basic messagebasic message of assertion is: “This is of assertion is: “This is what I think. This is what I feel. This is how what I think. This is what I feel. This is how I see the situation.”I see the situation.”

The The goalgoal of assertion is communication of assertion is communication and to get and give respect, to ask for fair and to get and give respect, to ask for fair play, and to leave room for compromise play, and to leave room for compromise when the rights and needs of two persons when the rights and needs of two persons conflict. conflict.

66

ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATIONASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION

Direct but non-invasive eye contactDirect but non-invasive eye contactModulated voiceModulated voiceRespect for spatial boundariesRespect for spatial boundariesUse of illustrative gesturesUse of illustrative gesturesAn erect but relaxed posture.An erect but relaxed posture.

77

DEFINITION - PassivityDEFINITION - Passivity

Violating one’s own rights by failing to Violating one’s own rights by failing to express honest feelings, thoughts, and express honest feelings, thoughts, and beliefs . beliefs .

Expressing one’s thoughts and feelings in Expressing one’s thoughts and feelings in such an apologetic manner that others can such an apologetic manner that others can easily disregard them.easily disregard them.

88

The basic message of passivityThe basic message of passivity

““My feelings don’t matter - only yours My feelings don’t matter - only yours do. My thoughts aren’t important - do. My thoughts aren’t important - yours are the only ones worth yours are the only ones worth listening to. I’m nothing - you are listening to. I’m nothing - you are superior.”superior.”

99

...The goal of ...The goal of passivitypassivity is to is to appease others and to avoid appease others and to avoid

conflict at any cost.conflict at any cost.

1010

PASSIVE COMMUNICATIONPASSIVE COMMUNICATION

No eye contact (or indirect evasive eye No eye contact (or indirect evasive eye contact)contact)

Soft/whiny/or muffled voiceSoft/whiny/or muffled voiceCringing/or physically making yourself Cringing/or physically making yourself

small (hang-dog posture)small (hang-dog posture)Use of nervous or childish gestures.Use of nervous or childish gestures.

1111

DEFINITION - DEFINITION - AggressionAggressionDirectly standing up for personal rights Directly standing up for personal rights Expressing thoughts, feelings, and beliefs Expressing thoughts, feelings, and beliefs

in a way that is often dishonest, usually in a way that is often dishonest, usually inappropriate, and always violates the inappropriate, and always violates the rights of others.rights of others.

1212

......The basic message of The basic message of aggressionaggression

““This is what I think - This is what I think - you’re stupid for you’re stupid for believing differently. believing differently. This is what I want - This is what I want - what you want is not what you want is not important. This is important. This is what I feel - your what I feel - your feelings don’t count.”feelings don’t count.”

1313

The goal of aggression isThe goal of aggression is

... domination and winning, ... domination and winning, forcing the other person forcing the other person to lose. Winning is to lose. Winning is ensured by humiliating, ensured by humiliating, degrading, belittling, or degrading, belittling, or overpowering other overpowering other people so that they people so that they become weaker or less become weaker or less able to express and able to express and defend their needs and defend their needs and rights. rights.

1414

AGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATIONAGGRESSIVE COMMUNICATION

Invasive/angry staring-eye contactInvasive/angry staring-eye contactLoud strident voiceLoud strident voice Invasion of spatial boundariesInvasion of spatial boundariesUse of aggressive gestures (parental Use of aggressive gestures (parental

finger)finger)Stiff, “muscled up”, posture, towering over Stiff, “muscled up”, posture, towering over

others. others.

1515

Assertive behaviorAssertive behavior

Aims to equalize Aims to equalize the balance of the balance of power, power, NOT TONOT TO “Win the Battle”“Win the Battle” by by putting down the putting down the other person or other person or rendering them rendering them helpless.helpless.

1616

IDEAS TO KEEP IN MINDIDEAS TO KEEP IN MIND Assertive behaviorAssertive behavior

Assertive behavior includes expressing Assertive behavior includes expressing your legitimate rights as an individual. your legitimate rights as an individual. You have a right to express your own You have a right to express your own wants, needs, and ideas. wants, needs, and ideas.

1717

Other individuals have a right to Other individuals have a right to respond to your assertiveness with respond to your assertiveness with their own wants, needs, and ideas. their own wants, needs, and ideas.

1818

MORE IDEAS TO KEEP IN MINDMORE IDEAS TO KEEP IN MIND

An assertive encounter with another An assertive encounter with another individual may involve negotiating an individual may involve negotiating an agreeable compromise. agreeable compromise.

By behaving assertively, you open the By behaving assertively, you open the way for honest relationships with others. way for honest relationships with others.

1919

Assertive behaviorAssertive behavior

Assertive behavior is not only determined Assertive behavior is not only determined by “what you say”. A major component of by “what you say”. A major component of the effect of your communication depends the effect of your communication depends on “how you say” it. on “how you say” it.

Assertive words accompanied by Assertive words accompanied by appropriate assertive “body language” appropriate assertive “body language” make your message more clear and have make your message more clear and have moremore

2020

Body Language Speaks Volumes

Assertive behaviorAssertive behavior is is often confused with often confused with aggressive behavior, aggressive behavior, however, assertion however, assertion does not involve does not involve hurting the other hurting the other person physically or person physically or emotionally. emotionally.

2121

Assertive body language includes:Assertive body language includes:

a) Maintaining direct eye contact.a) Maintaining direct eye contact.

b) Maintaining an erect posture.b) Maintaining an erect posture.

c) Speaking clearly and audibly.c) Speaking clearly and audibly.

d) Not using a soft, whiny, or muffled voice.d) Not using a soft, whiny, or muffled voice.

e) Using facial expressions and gestures to add e) Using facial expressions and gestures to add emphasis to your wordsemphasis to your words

2222

Assertion skills help you:Assertion skills help you:

Stand up for yourself Stand up for yourself Express feelings Express feelings

directly directly Improve relationships Improve relationships Give Compliments Give Compliments Give Criticism Give Criticism Make requests Make requests Say No / Set Limits Say No / Set Limits

2323

How to be effectively assertive:How to be effectively assertive:

Use Use assertive body language.assertive body language. Face the other Face the other person, stand or sit straight, don't use dismissive person, stand or sit straight, don't use dismissive gestures, be sure you have a pleasant, but serious gestures, be sure you have a pleasant, but serious facial expression, keep your voice calm and soft, facial expression, keep your voice calm and soft, not whiney or abrasive.not whiney or abrasive.

Use "I" statementsUse "I" statements. Keep the focus on the problem . Keep the focus on the problem you're having, not on accusing or blaming the other you're having, not on accusing or blaming the other person. person. Example:Example: "I'd like to be able to tell my "I'd like to be able to tell my stories without interruption." instead of "You're stories without interruption." instead of "You're always interrupting my stories!"always interrupting my stories!"

2424

UseUse assertive body languageassertive body language

2525

More Ways to be Effectively More Ways to be Effectively ASSERTIVE:ASSERTIVE:

Use facts, not judgmentsUse facts, not judgments.. Example: Example: "Your "Your punctuation needs work and your formatting is punctuation needs work and your formatting is inconsistent" instead of "This is sloppy work." or inconsistent" instead of "This is sloppy work." or "Did you know that shirt has some spots?" "Did you know that shirt has some spots?" instead of "You're not going out looking like instead of "You're not going out looking like THAT, are you?"THAT, are you?"

Express ownershipExpress ownership of your thoughts, feeling, and of your thoughts, feeling, and opinions. opinions. Example:Example: "I get angry when he breaks "I get angry when he breaks his promises." instead of "He makes me angry." his promises." instead of "He makes me angry." or "I believe the best policy is to…" instead of or "I believe the best policy is to…" instead of "The only sensible thing is to …""The only sensible thing is to …"

2626

Assertive CommunicationAssertive Communication

Make clear, direct, requestsMake clear, direct, requests. Don't invite . Don't invite the person to say no. the person to say no. Example:Example: "Will you "Will you please ... ?" instead of "Would you mind … please ... ?" instead of "Would you mind … ?" or "Why don't you … ?"?" or "Why don't you … ?"

People can sense it when you People can sense it when you respectrespect yourselfyourself, and they will treat you with , and they will treat you with respect. And that is the ultimate goal of respect. And that is the ultimate goal of assertive communication assertive communication