positive parenting 4-2-11 iar[1]

7/30/2019 Positive Parenting 4-2-11 IAR[1]

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Positive Parenting

4/2/10

Hasan A. Baloch, M.D.


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According to a May 1995 article

in Scientific American "The best

intervention and prevention of

delinquent and antisocial

behavior in children is theparent's involvement in a parent

education program that teachesmore consistent, less coercive

discipline techniques


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Ultimately the most powerful method of

influencing our childrens behavior is our

relationship with them.

You are your childs best teacher.


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I am persuaded that violent fathers

produce violent sons. I am satisfied thatsuch punishment in most instances does

more damage than good. Children dont

need beating. They need love andencouragement. They need fathers to

whom they can look with respect rather

than fear. Above all, they need

example.


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The Prophets Example

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "He is not of us who doesnot have mercy on young children, nor honor the elderly" Collectedby Al-Tirmidhi

I prayed along with Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) the firstprayer. He then went to his family and I also went along with himwhen he met some children (on the way). He began to pat thecheeks of each one of them. He also patted my cheek and Iexperienced a coolness or a fragrance of his hand as if it had beenbrought out from the scent bag of a perfumer. - Sahih Muslim Hadith5758

I served the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wasallam) for ten years, andhe never said to me, "Uf" (a minor harsh word denoting impatience)

and never blamed me by saying, "Why did you do so or why didn'tyou do so? Anas describing his childhood, Sahih Al-Bukhari


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The Prophets Example (cont.)

Allahs Messenger kissed Al-Hasan ibn `Ali while Al-Aqra` ibn Habis At-Tamim was sitting with him . Al-Aqra` said, I have ten children and havenever kissed one of them. The Prophet cast a look at him and said,Whoever is not merciful to others will not be treated mercifully. (Al-Bukhari)

I never saw anyone who was more compassionate towards children than

Allahs Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him). (Muslim)The Prophet said, (It happens that) I start the prayer intending to prolong it,but on hearing the cries of a child, I shorten the prayer because I know thatthe cries of the child will incite its mothers passions. (Al-Bukhari)

Fear Allah and treat your children [small or grown] fairly (with equaljustice). (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

"Command your children to pray when they reach the age of seven and hitthem if they leave it off when they reach the age of ten and separate themfrom each other in the beds. (Al-Bukhari)


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Why Kids Misbehave

MISBEHAVIOR

Child Family StressParent


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Child Factors

Temperament Reactivity to stimuli,

Attention Span, Abnormal Sleep Pattern

Physical Motor coordination, strength,

stamina, appearance

Development Impaired language,

delayed speech, low IQ., poor social skills


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Parent Factors

Temperament Easily angered vs.

eternally patient, Reacts to everything vs.

non-reactive

Emotional problems Parental depression

impairs the ability to adequately parent the

children


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Family Stress

Marital Discord

Financial Troubles

Tense relations with relativesDeath in the family

Chronic illness in the family


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Paying Attention

Best Boss vs. Worst Boss

Children like Adults respond to attention

They dont care what type of attention(negative or positive)

Develop a routine for positive attention

(special time for each child ~ 15 min. daily)


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Praising Compliance

catch your child being good

Children like adults respond to praise

Specific praise is ideal to shape behaviorEx: I like it when you do as I say

Ex: Mom really likes it when you pick up

your toys


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Give Effective Commands

Mean what you commandPresent it as a direct statement , NOT as a favor

Firm but not negative voice

Simple commands rather than multiple

Give adequate time for completion of 1st command

before 2nd.Make Eye Contact with your child (yelling across theroom less likely to work)

Reduce distracters from the environment (TV, stereo,playstation etc.)

Have your child repeat the command back whennecessary

Consider Chore Cards for extensive tasks like cleaninga bedroom


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Using Time-Out

Give a command

Count loudly backward from 5 (use only for a

few initial weeks of using this method)

If child has not complied, issue a warning

Warning method eye contact, raise voice to

louder than normal (not yelling), adopt a firmer

posture, and say If you dont do as I say, thenyou are going to sit in that chair


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Using Time-Out (continued)

After the warning, count down from 5

again.

If still no complianceYou did not do as I

say; now you are going to the chair

Escort the child by the upper arm or wrist

and place them firmly in the chair and say

You stay there until I say you can get up


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Using Time-Out (cont.)

Chair should be a straight back dinette

chair, placed in the foyer, dining room,

kitchen, or middle of the hallway

Place it away from the wall and away from

things the child could reach


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How long?

1-2 minutes per year of the childs age

Ex: 4 year old = 4 minutes

Once the time has elapsed, they must bequiet for a few moments

After the time-out they should do what

they were originally told to do or agree notto do the negative behavior they did


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Time-Out(cont..)

When the child is in the chair there is no

discussion or argument with the child

Siblings and the other spouse are not to

speak to that child during the time-out

Once the child complies with the

command the parent should tell the child I

like it when you do as I say


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Time-Out(cont..)

Certain times you do not need the warning

period Ex: Violation of household rules

(lying, hitting, cursing, etc) , Ex:

Complex tasks like cleaning the bedroom you can give the warning and command

at the same time


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Time-Out(cont..)

What if the child leaves the chair?

Return the child to the chair and give ONEwarning If you leave the chair again you will

have to go to your roomIf this is necessary the bedroom should beemptied of any enjoyable activities such as TV,games, playstation, etc..

Alternatives could be loss of larger things suchas going over to the friends house this week,watching TV, etc..


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Child Ploys

I need to go to the bathroom

I am sick

I am hungryAttempts to rock or tip over the chair

Claims he will not love you anymore


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Parental Mistakes

Not implementing time-out until veryangry, after having said the command overand over again

Letting the child control the timeStandard time for every infraction andevery age

Allow the child to barter out of time-out oragree to follow directions once he is beingtaken to time-out


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Summary

Parenting is a complicated process but

basically involves teaching and developing

a relationship

Children learn from verbal and nonverbal

teaching Also from what they are and

are not exposed to (experiences)

Do your best with what is under your

control


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Teenagers

Peer groups become more important

Most children do not rebel or act up in

teenage years

Most of them choose peer groups similar

to their families

Identity Development is one key task that

kids this age are engaged in.


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Peer Groups and Religion

Indonesian study, examining children age 13-15.

Changes in religiosity from year one to two were

associated with friends' religiosity such that

adolescents with religious friends were morereligious at year two than those with less

religious friends.

Reductions in religiosity were also associated

with the presence of problem behavior.


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Families and Sexuality

Cohesive family environments and positive peer

networks contribute to reduced levels of risky

sexual behavior among adolescents from

religious families.Parents who monitor their children's activities

and peer environments, engage their families in

regular activities and foster strong parent-child

relationships can help reduce risky sexualbehavior.


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Teenagers and Drugs

Risks Friends who use drugs, Girls

having male friends, high amounts of

unsupervised time, family conflict, low

levels of family involvement, male gender

Protective Strong parent-child

attachment, Parent disapproval of drug

use, Friends that dont use drugs.


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What to do if bad things

happen?Increase communication, talk about the

problem

Increase supervision drug testing, room

searches, no cell phone, limiting internet,

etc

Change the environment move, new

school, change after school activities.

positive parenting 4-2-11 iar[1]

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