calmzine issue 17

CALMNOUN. / A REGULAR DOSE OF LITERARY

MANSPIRATION

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JOHN NIVEN // LA SHARK // JAMIE JAZZ// MISTER MUMBLES// THE RANT // DEAR JOSH

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GREETINGS.

We made it, folks! We got through winter, saw off the January gloom and are now heading face first into the sun, showers, baked goods & chocolate of springtime UK. About bloody time too *shakes glove clad fist at winter*. So, how better to start your vernal journey than by wafting your nose past the pages of this here issue of CALMzine, your quarterly dose of manspiration. Issue 17 serves up some top quality goodness, not least a chat with literary genius and top bloke John Niven, art rocker newbies La Shark (coming to a railway arch near you) and also an insight into the brain of a stand up with our favourite new comic star Jacob Hatton. Ex-Bluesman front man, Jamie Jazz, shares his very personal and powerful story in Inner Life plus Jack Rooke gives us some tips on how to holiday on the cheap. All this alongside the usual suspects, Chris Sav, Dear Josh, Dr Pop, Chris Owen and the wondrous return of our globetrotting dandyman, Mister Mumbles. This time with extra camels. Yup, camels. It’s a good’un so what are you waiting for? Get reading, y’all.

Enjoy!

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CALM CONTENTSMANifesto .....................................................CALM’s ‘How To’ Guide ................................ Inner Life: Jamie Jazz...................................Mister Mumbles.............................................INTERVIEW: John Niven ................................ Dr Pop’s Sonic Surgery ................................Fashion from Topman ..................................CALM MEETS: La Shark ................................ CALM Competition ........................................ POEM: I’m Not Myself Today ........................Disappointman..............................................Divine Comedy ..............................................The Rant.........................................................Dear Josh.......................................................

EDITOR: Rachel ClareASSISTANT EDITOR: Jack RookeDESIGNER: Silvina De VitaCOVER ART: CALMVAN DRIVER’S ASSISTANT: Bríd McKeownDENGUE FEVER ENTHUSIAST: George Prior-PalmerMISS MONEY PENNY: Celia ClarkEL PRESIDENTE: Jane Powell

Contributors: Chris Owen, Chris Sav, Joshua Idehen, Rachel Clare, Jack Rooke, Heather Fitsell, Topman, Jacob Hatton, Mister Mumbles, Zoë Howe, Jamie Jazz.

Special thanks to Topman and JC Decaux for their ongoing support.

CREDITS

5.6.8.12.14.18.20.22.25.26.29.30.32.34.

CALMzine is the first port of call for all your manspiration needs. We all have issues at the end of the day, so what do you want to talk about? Who do you want us to talk to? We want to hear from YOU. Email us your ideas and views at [email protected] If you want the hard stuff, go to the CALM website: www.thecalmzone.net or follow us on twitter @CALMzine

MANIFESTO!

MANIFESTO!I am a man,

and sometimes I have needs and sometimes I can be sensi-tive, and I talk to my friends in those moments. But some-

times my friends aren’t around. So, rather thank bottling it up and just carrying on with your

day, going on Facebook and putting your status as‘Everything is OK’,

why not talk to someone?

You can speak to CALM.

Think anonymous, free, confidential.

No one needs to know what you’re feeling apart from the other person at the end of the phone,

call them today. Don’t delay.

THE SILENCE IS KILLING US.

No more.

By Majestic.

GET HELP

“

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get-help

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WHOA! We’re going to Ibiza!! Oh wait, actually, we’re not. Mainly because it costs about £400 just to take a suitcase there. And we can’t even afford to buy a suitcase in the first place. No longer is the Mediterranean Sea surrounded by the land of the free - The Vengaboys are goshdarn liars - but do not fret, dear Readers. Here Jack Rooke offers his 5 steps to finding the perfect budget holiday.

1Get together however much cash you have for your holiday, ask your favourite auntie to drop you off at the airport around 5am, and just say to the bookings desk, “I need a holiday, I have X amount of Great British pounds and I’d like your cheapest available flight leaving in the next few hours.” Yes – this is the holiday we’ve all dreamed of, rocking up to the airport like Kanye Bleedin’ West and going to the first place available. Just be prepared for the fact you could be jetting off to a country in civil strife, or, even worse, to Magaluf. You’ve been warned.

2Choose hostels. Whilst hotels and villas might appear to be the luxurious option, they’re never populated by the weird and wonderful characters you’ll meet at the 2-star hostel next door (which also comes with a 2-star price tag!) If you want a TV in your room with 86 channels with only one broadcasting English-speaking programmes, then by all means go for El Hotel Ipanema but if you’re happy to put up with sharing a bunk bed with a German Fire eater called Klaus, and are happy to doze off to the sound of strangers snoring then book into a hostel. Just make sure you wear your flip-flops in the shower...don’t ask questions, just do it.

HOW TO...go on a budget holiday


3If the first two steps have failed, fear not. There are such things as... BOATS! WOO boat party, livin’ la vida loca, bubbles on ice, bikinis and Flo Rida – yes, these are all permanent features on any boat. If you fancy just popping to France for a dance or even a trip down memory lane on the Isle of Wight – then check out the ferries which can often have super-duper cheap foot passenger deals if booked far enough in advance. My friend Chris once went to France for £1.50! I wonder where he is now. Belgium, possibly.

4If step 3 doesn’t float your boat (*high fives self*) just lie and tell people you’ve been on an amazing holiday when really you just stayed at home with the curtains drawn watching all the American TV series’ that everyone’s been banging on about. Have a week of House Of Cards, Breaking Bad & that other one people love at the minute on Twitter. Just invest in a can of spray tan to finish off the pretense and then Bob’s your uncle: the perfect budget holiday - you get a break from your boss and can join in with Twitter chats about The Walking Dead and all for the cost of a tube of St Tropez. Bonza!

5If you don’t want to be embroiled in the lies and deceit of step 4, then I’d suggest you get creative. Did you know you can get to Cyprus and East India for less than the cost of a KFC Family Bucket? That includes luggage and speedy check-in. Plus you won’t even need to fly in the air! I know what you’re thinking – this is too good to be true. Well it’s not, because if you look at the Tube Map you will see that TFL, presumably in homage to Brian in marketing’s favourite holiday hot spots, saw fit to name two DLR stations Cyprus and East India, which means you can tell people you’re going to those places without having to tell any porkies whatsoever. Equally, why not visit Egypt (Buckinghamshire), Toronto (County Durham) or California (Norfolk). We’re heard Bermuda (Warwickshire) is beautiful this time of year!

HOW TO...go on a budget holiday

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//IN A SOCIETY

WHERE YOU CAN BE MADE TO FEEL

TOTALLY ALONE WHEN YOU’RE AT

YOUR MOST LOST, IT’S IMPORTANT TO

REMEMBER THAT YOU’RE NOT ALONE

//

Hello, my name is Jamie - Jamie Jazz to be precise and yes I know, it’s a silly name, but it’s the one that has stuck with me the longest so I guess I’ll keep it. Pleased to meet you. My band Bleach Blood are about to put out our debut album ‘All The Sides Of A Circle’ and can I tell you all a secret? I’m scared. Petrified, in fact. Not what I’m meant to say right? What I’m meant to say is “Oh yeah, I can’t wait for you all to hear it I can’t wait to share it with the world. this is the best album I’ve ever made” and while I can’t wait for everyone to hear it, and I can’t wait to share it with the world, and do sincerely believe that it is the best album I’ve been involved in, I am still scared.

Fear is a key theme on this album, along with self-loathing, a sense of uselessness, broken hearts, as well as drinking, drug use, self-destruction and hurt.

I was 27 years old the first time I tried to kill myself.

I screamed incoherently down the phone, to my

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INNER LIFE My name is Jamie Jazz,

and I’m Scared

ex-girlfriends, to their parents, to my parents, all the while locked in a room in a warehouse where I had attempted to end my own life. They passed the handset to each other, called me from different numbers, kept my attention while an ambulance was called, kept me distracted long enough so help could get to me, until I was sat in my room with two doctors and my parents who took me to hospital to bandage me up. I don’t really remember much after that. The next morning I woke up to my step-dad asleep on a broken chair in the corner of my room, and lying on the mattress next to me, cradling my head as if I was still a toddler, was my Mum.

I felt nothing. No shame. No remorse. No pain. No fear. I didn’t feel sick, I was numb and it was bliss-ful. Meds. This went on for a year. I’d travel between my warehouse in Manor House, North London - The Rat as it was so wonderfully named - to the doctor’s to pick up my various medications and back again. I didn’t have a job, well, never for very long - I’d simply spend my day taking drugs, drinking and then waiting until I could go back to the doctor to pick up more. I also read about death, I read about dying, who, how, why. I knew more about death than I did life. I had no idea I was becoming an addict. I was tiny, frail, and sick, yet I still felt nothing.

The only time I would ever leave this destructive cycle was to go to see my parents. I could see the worry in their eyes, but we never really talked about it. It felt like life went on and we didn’t say a word. They seldom asked, I seldom told. It was simpler that way; I knew that at some point they wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore. That day came 28 days before my 28th birthday. I was in their house alone and proceeded to consume all the alcohol and drugs I could find, but it was different this time. I felt sorrow, remorse, guilt, anger, and betrayal. I passed out and was found lying in the hallway, sweat-ing, unable to stand or talk. I could hear my Mum screaming, crying, swearing - telling my stepdad to call an ambulance, the police, anything. Ever the cooler head, he simply turned me on my side and sat with me while I sobbed for the first time in a year. I declined another trip to hospital in fear of being sectioned or being told I was insane or being judged any further, and took to the spare bedroom where I spent the night shaking.

The next morning I had to attend a family birthday, although still out of my mind from the attempt the night before, I went along.

Fear.

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It was back. I was scared to see my family. I was ashamed of what I tried to do, what they would think of me. The brief time I was there not a word was said about it. Not a single thing, save for a few loaded pats on the back coupled with “hey man, I hope you’re ok”. Never in my life did I feel so alone. Returning to The Rat, I sat by myself and cried. My guitars caught my eye, I’d not touched them for a year, so I picked one up and hit a few chords. The strings resonated through me like a familiar touch, so I played a few more and for the first time in forev-er, I felt better. Thumbing through my phone I found messages from an old friend who was begging me to come to the studio, telling me that I needed to do something creative for my own sake, so I called him and a few days later I went to the studio, where we recorded demos, where we spoke, where I told him how I was feeling, what I had gone through, why I did what I did. I wasn’t met with judgement nor sympathy, just someone who listened and spoke. I thought I couldn’t feel, when I was numbing myself with drugs and alcohol. I couldn’t see the life I could have from the death I so sorely sought. I still felt the pain, still felt the betrayal - to this day (3 years on) I still do – but now I pick up my guitar, I call my friends, I face my fears. Without music in my life as an outlet I dread to think where I would be. The sui-

cidal thoughts stay with me, festering in the back of my mind. They occasionally bubble to the surface, but with sounds, rhythms and friends on my side I can always beat them.

We still live in a world where the stigma of suicide makes feeling suicidal a lonely place, where ‘men should be men’ and therefore deal with problems in a ‘manly’ way; where depression and mental ill-ness are seen as a joke, a novelty problem, made up by attention seekers - all of which is dangerous bullshit. In a society where you can be made to feel totally alone when you are at your most lost, it’s important to remember that you are NOT alone. There are people who understand, who will not judge you nor mollycoddle you, just listen to you. Remember that feeling hurt, betrayed, or having that overwhelming fear isn’t something you have to face alone. Find what it is you love to do and do it, do it for yourself.

Hello, my name is Jamie. My band Bleach Blood are about to put out our debut album ‘All The Sides Of A Circle’ and I can tell you all secret? I’m scared.

Bleach Blood’s Album, All The Sides Of A Cir-cle, is out now.

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Having left London behind bound for pastures new, the capital’s finest export finds himself smack-dab in the middle of Northern India, at Pushkar ka Mela - the world’s largest camel fair.

Prising myself free from the sardine tin on wheels, I swung the door open and stepped out into a smelly, sweaty, cacophonous muddle. Right on cue, a trundling tractor very nearly trundled over my toes. Leaping back like a demented baboon, I drank in the scene around me. Intoxicated by the general air of chaos that honked its horns and belched stinky exhaust fumes through the moonlit night, I clutched my case close to my chest and, Missus Mumbles in tow, hurried off down an alleyway in desperate search of our hotel. We had at last arrived in Pushkar - and tomorrow was camel shopping day.

Once safely ensconced in our rooftop digs (and clad in matching tweed jim-jams) we settled back to imbibe the nectar of history. For those who don’t know, Pushkar ka Mela is a five-day camel and livestock extravaganza that takes place once a year in the booze, drug and meat-free mecca of Pushkar Town, Rajasthan. It’s kind of like Burning Man, only with less boobs but ironically, around the same amount of camel toes.

As well as the chance to buy a camel (or trade several for your wife - ahem), there are many other kinds of fun and frolics on offer - all camel-based of course. From camel races to camel beauty pageants, camel dancing to camel rides, what you can’t do with a camel at Pushkar isn’t worth doing (or is probably illegal and would upset your mum if a video of said “doing” happened to appear online). This truly was the ungulate utopia I had been after!

Come morning we arose early and after a hearty curried breakfast, we trumped off in the general direction of the fair. Since we possessed no map, we let the thronging crowd carry us on its tide. As the bone dry nuggets of camel dung became more prevalent and the beggars more bothersome, we knew we were getting closer. Round a corner we went, laughter and madness urging us

on through morning’s dusty passage until suddenly, there it was.

Stretched out before was the most unbelievable sight. Acre after acre of camels were congregated on the sandy flats: some stood, some sat, some stared, some spat. A patchwork quilt of massive mammals bored of waiting to be bought. We could barely believe what we were ogling. Around the hump-backed behemoths, blokes sporting brightly coloured turbans fiddled, faffed and fussed. Some puffed on beedies, others twiddled their ‘taches, many more sipped chai and lounged on cushions and carpets, catching up with what I pictured to be the Pushkar equivalent of juicy celebrity goss.

“Oooh, Kanye West Camel make sexy boom-boom to Kim Kardashian Camel and now she have calf.” I imagined one chap saying.

“Well, Benedict Cumberbatch Camel went to Oscars last month and shat all over red carpet” replies his mate.

I wandered amidst the madness, garnering curious looks from both camels and keepers alike. With my sunburnt face and mincing gait I must have appeared something of a state. But enough about me and back to the camels.

A small boy with the browned teeth of an old codger nursing a 40-a-day beedi habit accosted me, insisting I buy a portable chess set. Before I had a chance to show him the colour of my rupees, a dreadful clanging struck up to my left. Whirling on my heel with the kind of urgency more usually reserved for kitchen fires, I stepped back just in time to avoid being trampled by a long train of kamikaze camels sauntering past on lunchtime stroll.

After such a close brush with a clunge of camel toe, I decided to do something really life-affirming. I did not however elect to drink beer out of my own shoe - although it has long been said that supping ale from a quality brogue can reignite even the most jaded of soles. No, I merely chose to road test one of the rickety rides

MISTER MUMBLESGets The Hump


that terrifies tourists. Before too long, a huge ferris wheel loomed above me, beckoning with a mischievous glint in its Indian Iris. “Ahh, tis rather like the London Eye,” thought I. “Farewell dear old South Bank and all that!” I sighed as I coughed up a fistful of rupees and clambered aboard the 100ft high deathtrap.

Round and round we went at breakneck speed, until I felt quite queer. I would have chundered but for the need to hold it together in the good name of Missus Mumbles.

How so? Why, I’d traded her in of course! Five first-class camels now loitered below, tethered to the awning of a bright pink bedouin by the side of the ride. Missus Mumbles was gone, but with her sporting a cast-iron chastity thong and a small perfume bottle filled with eau-de-mace, there was no need to worry about her losing her dignity - or any other -nity for that matter. All I needed to concern myself with was making good the next trade.

Once fully de-wheeled and back on terra firma, I reclaimed my herd and headed off in the direction of the main arena. There I saw numbered camels by the cazillion: dancing, prancing, spitting, shitting, holidaying and humping in equal measure. Skirting across the melee I located just the Hindi hearing aid I’d been looking for. A few choicely chosen words into said ear trumpet (plus a handshake guaranteeing the delivery of five first-class camels) and the ultimate trade was made. “Come back tomorrow and I help get you high!” the half-deaf Hindu chap in the wickerwork basket bawled.

And so it came to be that I sprang a sari-clad Missus Mumbles free from the chief camel collector’s camp just before sunrise the next day, and off we floated in a hot air balloon high over the fair - gracefully drifting towards our next adventure as the world slumbered peacefully below. Pip pip, Pushkar!

FUNKENSKATT.COM/CAMELTIME

CALM INTERVIEW

JOHN NIVEN

Best known for his murderous music industry novel, Kill Your Friends, and with his protagonists sitting proudly, middle finger raised, between those of Brett Easton Ellis and Charles Bukowski, novelist and screenwriter John Niven spares a few early morning minutes with CALM to share his thoughts on writing, his heroes and his problem with catharsis…

Your novel ‘Kill Your Friends’, casts a knowingly cynical and eye on the hedonism of the 90s UK music industry based, in part, on your experiences of working for record labels throughout the Britpop era. Was the concept of the novel something that had been bubbling away in your mind for many years?

It was and it wasn’t. I’d wanted to be a writer since my early twenties, but it took a decade longer than that for me to have all the necessary life skills to be a novelist: not least of which was the self discipline it takes. When I left the music industry (around 2002/2003) I tried to write a version of Kill Your Friends and it was just awful. It took a few years for the experience to distil down through me, before I could come at it with the detachment you need. ‘Emotion recollected in tranquility’ and all that. I wrote a novella set in Woodstock in the 1960s (Music From Big Pink, Continuum Books 2005) before I got to Kill Your Friends. Were there a few old professional grudges settled within the pages? I was once told by a writer friend not to piss off a novelist, because they’ll go and murder you in their next book…

Well, I won’t go into specifics, but yeah - there is great pleasure to be had from giving some of the most absolutely idiotic things you hear to certain characters. And then destroying them.

CALM INTERVIEW

by rachel clareJOHN NIVEN

You’re clearly not afraid to touch on the darker side of life, and have created some pretty monstrous characters in your novels. Do you find writing a cathartic process?

I’m suspicious of the notion of writing as catharsis. It means ‘purification’ remember - and I don’t think that by setting something down you’re free of it, that you’re cleansed. I think what happens is that you get to commune with your fears, your rage, your worries, your ghosts. You get to spend time with them, in the study, on the page. Does this make you a better, more balanced human being? I really couldn’t say. You certainly get to know the Platonic ‘examined life’. There are huge upsides. When I was writing The Amateurs (2008) I got to go into my study

and spend a lot of time in my father’s mental company, and it was like having him around again. (He died in 1993.) In a lovely and not at all morbid way. I think Joan Didion said something like ‘it is easy for writers to keep people

around because nothing is more natural to you than imagining the other half of a dialogue.’

After writing your first novel,

Music From Big Pink, did you experience the writer equivalent of the ‘difficult second album’? They say you have your whole life to

write your first novel, and six months to write your second…

It’s never easy - I’d say that right off the bat. If you’re lucky each story tells you how it needs to

be written. But it gives you no help with the subsequent story. I’ve written seven novels and about as many screenplays now, and it’s the same every time out - a high wire act without a net. That said my first three novels Big Pink, Kill Your Friends and The Amateurs all came out in a pretty fevered burst between 2005 and 2008. I think I felt that when I got a publishing deal someone was giving me a shot and I wasn’t going to waste. Your late thirties and forties are generally regarded as being the most fertile period for a novelist. I’m probably fast approaching a very barren patch... Kill Your Friends has been made into a feature film, due for release later this year. You wrote the screenplay, so you had more control over the finished product than many novelists whose books make it onto the big screen, but was it still strange seeing your characters realized?

Very strange, yes. It’s never 100% as you imagined. Some things are better and some never quite come off. You have to let go. I think it’s generally better for the writer not to visit the set. Especially when it’s your screenplay AND novel. There’s this idea that because you write the script you have more control. And you do. Over the script. The director can still do whatever he likes on the set and in the editing room and if you’re not comfortable with that then don’t take the fucking money. Who are you literary and musical heroes? Did you meet any of your musical idols, and if so, did they live up to expectations?

Literary: Nabokov, Martin Amis (Kingsley too to a lesser


extent), John Irving, John Updike, Saul Bellow, Brett Easton Ellis, James M. Cain. All the things you’d expect from someone of my age and background. Music: Dylan, The Band, Television, The Clash, The Smiths, again all the things you’d expect from someone of my age and background. I’ve met a few heroes from both spheres. Like all people they vary tremendously. Some were an absolute joy, others not so much. Thankfully that has no bearing on what I think about them on the page or through the speakers. Self expression through writing, music, poetry, art etc can be extremely important for many guys who might find talking about their issues face to face very difficult. Do you find that there might be things you can write about but not say?

It’s much easier to get to the core of what you really feel in a novel than in any kind of memoir. For me at any rate. My younger brother Gary took his own life in 2010, at the age of 41. It was very sad, heartbreaking, but not utterly unexpected. Things had been going wrong for him for a long time and we weren’t really in each other’s lives very much by the end. And of course I have regrets about that. I went through a fairly hellish time myself afterwards - my relationship with my long term partner collapsed (largely my fault: I was behaving terribly). But you to come to understand that this is one of the facets of suicide - an endless chain of regrets that you somehow have to find a way to co-exist with. Because they never go away, co-existence is the only shot you have. I tried for a time to write a memoir about my life and my brother’s life and the different paths we took. But I just couldn’t get it to work on the page. Finally all the things I was trying to come to terms with found their way into my novel Straight White Male, where the lead character Kennedy has a sister who dies by suicide. Giving yourself that kind of creative distance allows you to really let go in a way I’m not entirely comfortable with when writing first person journalism. Nearly five years on Gary still crosses my mind all the time. Just at Christmas I was shopping and thought ‘Must get something for Gary’ and then the thought follows - ‘No, I don’t have to do that. I won’t be doing that ever again.’ And I nearly came apart right there on Regent Street.

Is there a track/film/book guaranteed to make you feel better when you’re having a shitty day?

This is going to sound awful, but I don’t really have shitty days. Shitty days are for politicians and fifteen year old virgins. As Carlito has it: ‘every day above ground is a good day.’ What advice would you give your sixteen year old self?

Don’t pawn that 1974 Telecaster Custom you stupid bastard. And what’s the greatest piece of advice you’ve ever been given?

“The road you know is always the fastest”. From my Dad. So what’s next in what is clearly a very busy life?

Breakfast. I’m had to find time for this interview at 7.30 on a Saturday morning. Now that’s busy, my friend.

Kill Your Friends is out in cinemas in the UK in the autumn.


At CALM we have a merry band of men and women who are proud to call themselves Ambassadors for the Campaign Against Living Miserably, and here’s a chance for you to get to know them better. Reveal yourself…LIAM MANTON

Tell us a bit about yourself and what you’ve been up to…I am a Manchester based songwriter/singer/guitarist/producer - currently putting the finishing touches to my debut solo release which will be going out soon under the name of MANTON. There are a few snippets of what’s to come online. I’m a passionate football fan, lover of fashion, Motown Records, wearer of loafers and keen collector of Happy Socks… oh and I’ve recently been turned on to the many faces and flavours of craft gin - you best pass me those tissues!

So why CALM?I’ll be honest; traditionally I’ve always shied away from charities. None have really spoken to me and what makes me tick. I find a lot of charities invest far too much of their income into overheads, plush offices and recruitment of over-paid people in ill-fitting suits. When I was asked to get more involved with CALM, after doing a music project in memory of my mate Geno (who we sadly lost to suicide), it just felt right. I love the way CALM operates, and uses the power of music and things like the arts to engage with people. It’s clear from the stats that are available that ‘traditional’ ways of trying to address the topic of

AMBASSADOR’S RECEPTION:

Liam Manton

male suicide and the wider mental health agenda isn’t working. It’s time to start thinking outside the box. CALM presented me with an opportunity to become an ambassador, so I said yes. My long-term vision is to help CALM set up a CALMzone in Manchester and we’re currently exploring this - it’ll be a great achievement to have furthered the legacy of the late great Anthony Wilson!

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given?Work hard, do kind things and eventually Karma does the rest.

What is your one ‘lifesaver’ track guaranteed to make you feel better when things get tough?Curtis Mayfield - Move On Up. My old band used to cover this track, doesn’t matter where you are, what you’re doing, or how you’re feeling, when that song comes on, you know about it. I used to start the walk to the bus stop for work every morning with this bad boy. After 5 seconds you’re ready for anything. The Jam’s cover version of it’s not too shabby either.

What is your one rule for living life?Never take your dreams to the grave - if you’ve got an idea, or something burning away in your head, try it - what’s the worse that can happen? There’s only ever really two outcomes, success or failure. When you think about it, you’ve got better odds of success than you have playing the Euromillions! Hah!


DR POP S SONIC SURGERYCALM’s resident musical MD offers up some melodious medicine. MMmmmmmm.

Space Is The Place!Welcome to my surgery! Pop your trousers off then! Oh wait, no, you don’t actually have to do that if you don’t want to.

Sometimes reality can get a bit much, can’t it? So aren’t we lucky that music is ‘totes’ brilliant at transporting us to another place? Why do you think we see so many commuters squashed onto trains with headphones jammed into their honourable lugholes? That hellish journey to the office would be a whole lot harder to take if they didn’t seal themselves into a bubble of tunes, and that bubble could be a heavy metal bubble or an acid jazz bubble, an ambient bubble or a... well, you get the picture. Whatever gets you through the night, the day, the bus journey is ALL RIGHT, to paraphrase Mr Lennon.

To take this concept of the transporting power of music even further, my musical prescription will take you into SPACE. Yes, SPACE. Soar with me, my fine friends, away from troubles and cares, for this music will help your consciousness transcend it all.

‘That’s all very well,’ you may shout. ‘But said troubles and cares will still be jolly well there when I jolly well come back down to earth.’ Well, I’d like to counter this by saying that the all-too-necessary sense of detachment we will achieve by hurtling into another dimension (hey, perception is reality) with the following ‘choons’ will give us a sense of perspective we might not otherwise have had. Maybe it’ll make those troubles seem smaller. Maybe we’ll come back and find they’ve all but disappeared. Let’s not rule it out.

Prepare to let go and fly (as opposed to go and let fly) into the beyond with the help of some excellent sounds and that brilliant imagination of yours. We have lift off!


DR POP S SONIC SURGERYCALM’s resident musical MD offers up some melodious medicine. MMmmmmmm.

William Shatner - Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds

Woah man. Just woah.

Sun Ra -

There Are Other Worlds (They Have Not Told You Of)

There’s no damn way we’re going into space without stopping off at Saturn to check in on that Sun Ra, who no doubt went back there after leaving Planet Earth in 1993. (He ‘comes

from’ Saturn, you see. Don’t shoot the messenger.) There’s a huge catalogue of work to marvel at, but this is suitably transcendent and

appropriate for our mission, right down to the title - just because something isn’t obvious, because no one talks about it, doesn’t mean it ain’t there, baby. Just because everyone around you is bringing you down, just because it doesn’t ‘seem’ like there’s

a better way, if you can imagine it, you can believe it and, if you persist, you can create it. Lift your vibration,

man, and take the path less travelled! Take courage!

Sigur Rós - Takk

Lie down and listen. If music heals then this is the sonic equivalent of the combined expertise of Harley

Street. ‘Takk’ means ‘thank you’ in Icelandic, and I certainly feel thankful when I let this beautiful track float over me. AND,

lest we forget, a determined attitude of gratitude - even if you’re just grateful for not falling over today, for still having hair - or even for not having hair (less time spent combing!) - is key to propelling ourselves up, up, UP AND AWAY, dear fellows! Once you get into that new habit (and everything is just a habit, good or bad), then... well, then you start

to change your life. How d’yer like THEM apples?

Another Sigur Rós favourite which makes me feel like I’m spinning happily onto another plane is ‘Svefn-g-englar’

(don’t even try to pronounce it). Whether this makes you feel better or worse depends very much

on your tolerance for falsetto, of course.

Brian Eno - Ambient 1: Music For

Airports

This is the relaxation mother lode - expect a similar feeling to the above Sigur Rós tracks, but this is simpler, vaguely Satie-

esque, engendering a less celestial and a more ‘earthed’ sense of

peace. Welcome back.

Alice Coltrane - Journey In Satchidinanda

The harp, the drones, the sitar, the inclusion of Pharaoh Sanders (an iconic mainstay of

the Sun Ra Arkestra), this is just perfect and SO DAMN COOL, man. The title of this song is a dedication to Coltrane’s (yes, John’s wife)

yoga guru Swami Satchindananda, the master of Integral Yoga. But you don’t

have to do yoga. You just need to listen to this. Om.

OF SPRING

This spring, your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to look significantly cooler than your

immediate peer group. But with so many trends, where do you start? To help you out, we’ve been

in touch with Topman Editor, Daniel Copley, to share his style rules for the season ahead.

BLUE & BLACK IS BACKIgnore everything you thought you knew about

coordinating colours, this season it’s time to introduce

your black shoes to your blue jeans. Get this look

right, you’ll be a rock god, get this look wrong, you’ll

be Jeremy Clarkson.

THE

SHADES OF GREYThis trend may not be about

handcuffs, flogging and extreme

sexual practices – but it’s still

got lots going for it. It’s all about

dressing tonally with multiple

shades of grey to create easy,

everyday looks.

THE 1990SNo, we’re not twisting your melon, man. The style of the

1990s is making a comeback after, well, not very long at

all. If you’re not a huge Britpop fan, simply buy a bucket

hat and just wear your normal gear, nobody will notice.

COLLARS ARE OUTBy which I mean they’re actually in. But

only when they’re out. So far so confused?

Basically, you need to spread your collar

over your lapel for a totally on-trend take on

rockabilly styling.

STRIPES: ON THE UP Just when you thought stripes had been around for ages, they’ve

got a new direction: namely, upwards. If you’re due to stock up

on new tops, make sure you include at least one vertical stripe.

FRESH PRINTS From geometric patterns to prints

that wouldn’t look out of place on

the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, this is

the season to be bold – make sure

your SS15 wardrobe contains its

fair share of prints.

JOG ON A trend that all men

should be happy

about: joggers.

Wearing joggers is

now a legitimate style

statement rather than

a signifier that you’re

half way through

an all-day Breaking

Bad marathon – give

them a go instead of

jeans or chinos.

POP IN TO YOUR LOCAL TOPMAN STORE OR VISIT TOPMAN.COM TO GET

YOUR SPRING FIX NOW, OR FLICK AHEAD TO THE COMPETITION PAGE TO

FIND OUT HOW YOU COULD WIN A FRESH WARDROBE WORTH £250!


Having meandered our way through hoards of homeward bound commuters, we find ourselves tapping on the door of the remnants of the original Euston Railway Station for a pint and a yarn with two parts of London art rocker five piece, La Shark. On the subject of ferocious creatures (sharks, not commuters), it transpires that frontman Samuel Deschamps showed an early childhood penchant for the movie soundtrack to ‘Godzilla’ , it being his first album purchase - a marginally more respectable choice than guitarist Ben Markham’s confession: “My first single was Chef’s ‘Chocolate Salty Balls’ from South Park.” Ben’s brother quickly sought to rectify this schoolboy misdemeanor by introducing him to the world of metal via Metallica, before his mum let him borrow her Cat Stevens and Neil Young cassettes, which Ben says provided him with the epiphany that “this is what music could be like.” Sam adds “I find a lot of music hugely nostalgic…it means something to you because it takes you back.”

La Shark are about to release their new album ‘Imaginary Music’, so we asked them how the writing process works within the band. “There used to be a lot more structure to the way we wrote, but we’ve been very proactive recently…little ideas would pop up here and there from any of the five members and then we just developed the ideas together, whether

23 thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58 23

it was in bedrooms, or practice rooms or even in a studio,” says Samuel.

Music is often used as a creative outlet for emotions, be they positive or negative, so is there a particular emotion that dominates La Shark’s writing? “Pure ecstasy at the moment,” explains Ben, “all the emotion is from the rhythm. Our new album is very rhythmic, that kind of joy [you get] from a good groove, feeling the rhythm.” As well as a creative outlet, for some musicians writing can be a way of getting away from the stresses of real life. Samuel tells us “I think it can be an escapism. Our lives aren’t perfect – we have to do other things to make money sometimes because we don’t rely on the band for everything. I think we’ve been in turmoil as a band before, where we’ve been getting angry because we’re not doing well enough, but now we’re more angry at the other sides to our lives and use [the band] as a release. I think that’s a really good way of doing it. This isn’t necessarily my entire life but it’s the bit of my life that I’m going to have fun with, as opposed to ‘this is everything to me, why isn’t it working?’ When we work in this way, I end up doing less of the things I don’t like and it puts a positive spin on everything.”

As with anything, being a part of the music industry isn’t without its pressures, but we wonder for La Shark

By Heather Fitsell

where their greatest pressures come from. Ben explains, “Mine’s probably all self-imposed. The desire to want to do as best as I possibly can. People make music for a lot of reasons but I just want to do as much as I can to create music and have a good time.” Samuel elaborates, “Everyone has a dream of making a huge difference in the world with their music. I’ve got more of a pressure just to be happy. Now and then I think, through being happy you can change the world.’

A few weeks ago, not averse to the odd bit of quirk, La Shark took over and sold out a railway arch near London Bridge station for their album launch show. Those familiar with the band will know, every La Shark show is unique. “We’ve got these four backing singers at the moment” Ben explains, “and we always try and dress them up differently. At the last gig, because it was in London Bridge, we thought we’d dress up as city boys, on their phones and reading newspapers whilst singing. We spent a lot of time taking ourselves very seriously and making big bold statements, but now it’s all about having a good time so when we play live we try to make it as fun as possible. If we

CALM MEETS:

//PEOPLE MAKE MUSIC FOR LOTS OF REASONS BUT I JUST WANT TO DO AS MUCH AS I CAN TO CREATE MUSIC AND HAVE A GOOD TIME//


don’t enjoy it, what’s the point of doing it?”

The album launch gig was held in aid of CALM. We asked the guys why they chose to support CALM in this way. “With our last EP we gave 5% to UNICEF, we wanted to do that again with the album” says Ben. “We’d heard a lot about CALM through our manager Dan, and learnt a

lot about the specifics of [suicide] being the biggest single killer of men aged 20-45. It’s something that a lot of our friends and people we know are affected by, but they don’t really want to talk about it. It’s a taboo subject amongst your friends, especially if people you know are going through [depression].” For Samuel, however, it was even more personal, “I’ve had periods in my life where I’ve been a bit up and down. I’ve had some bi-polar episodes and gone from feeling really, really good to being quite manic, and then feeling really low for three or four months and taking medication. Luckily for me it was only over a six month period, but since that happened, from time to time it pops into conversation with friends, friends of friends, peers and it is just incredible the amount of people who come out the woodwork and share experiences. I think there’s a guilt you feel once you’ve had one of those periods in your life, where you’re like “I let everyone around me down.” I was so unproductive, I felt so bad about myself during that period and that can keep you in a bad way for a long time. It’s when you’ve got a support network

around you and everyone can talk to each other that you realise that life goes on. I know for some people it’s much harder to deal with than that, but that was how I felt. I think it’s good to build up awareness and to encourage people to talk.”

La Shark have supported the likes of Paloma Faith and The Macabees on tour, so are used to life on the road, but has their approach to live shows changed since their first gig together? Samuel explains “We’ve been through so many different directions in our live performance. We’ve always been pretty bonkers and crazy with what we’ve wanted to achieve on stage. I remember we performed on a mountain of apples once and handed them out to the crowd.” There have also been fancy dress parties and Lewis dressing up as Jesus, handing out bread dipped in wine” Despite all the on stage antics, do they get nervous before going on stage? “I think we’re through it now,” says Samuel. “All our gigs we put on ourselves and only people who really love us come to them. Usually I’m more concerned about working out ways to climb on the stage, or what I’m going to do. Who can I single out in the crowd is more my thinking.”

For La Shark it seems that the live performance is what collectively brings the band members the greatest pleasure, as Ben explains “…that is the most instant gratification. Y’know, you play and the sense that everyone’s dancing to you - you can’t beat that.”

LA Shark’s album ‘Imaginary Music’ is available for pre order at pledgemusic.com/lasharklashark.com facebook.com/lasharkband @lasharkband

//EVERYONE HAS A DREAM OF MAKING A HUGE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD WITH THEIR MUSIC. I’VE GOT MORE OF A PRESSURE JUST TO BE HAPPY.//

To enter, email your answer to [email protected] using subject: CALM COMP ISSUE 17.

Closing date: June 8th 2015

Winners will be notified by email after the closing date. We can only accept entries from within the UK, sorry!

You could be one simple answer away from winning a fresh new wardrobe, just in time for Spring! One lucky winner will receive a first class shopping experience in the capital, including: Travel to and from London. An overnight stay in a central hotel, plusA Topman Personal Shopping appointment with £250 to spend.

Simply answer the below question to be in with a chance:

According to Topman, in which direction should you be wearing your stripes this season? (Visit page 21 for a clue!) A. HorizontallyB. VerticallyC. Diagonally

WIN THE ULTIMATE WARDROBE REFRESH WITH TOPMAN

JUNE ‘15

NEXT ISSUE OUT

h Would you like to write for CALMzine? Do you have a photographic eye? We want great writers, interviewers, bloggers, tweeters, artists and photographers for CALMzine and the CALM website.

h What’s your obsession, your passion? Music, sports, arts, gadgets, fashion, comedy, gaming – or something further out of the box? Can you write about it, picture it, tweet it? Can you conduct a gripping interview?

h We’d love to hear from you, and in no time your work could be on our website and in these very pages.

NEEDS YOUCALMZINE

Everyman by chris sav

Get in touch with Rachel at: [email protected]

JUNE ‘15

NEXT ISSUE OUT


We asked Jacob, our favourite upcoming comedian, to give us an insight into the world of funnies, plus he gives us the lowdown on who he recommends we go and see for some comic relief. Over to you, Jacob…

There’s a bit I’m performing in my show tonight where I read out a letter written by my dead dog. It’s a silly riff on the kind of things dogs might say if they could talk and also on how there are people who actually sign greetings cards as if it was from their pet pooch. Idiots. It’s the definition of throwaway. It means nothing. So why am I feeling like a boxer roaming Blackpool Pleasure Beach on the day of his prize fight? Why am I suddenly hyper aware of myself, the way my fingers stretch and fiddle when I’m nervous, the shallow breath, the sickly plastic reek of cheap lager drying on the bar clogging my nostrils?

Well... I’m an amateur stand-up. I spend an inordinate amount of my time in bars across London standing in front of small to smallish groups, demanding their attention so I can rant to them about things that matter not one bit.

That’s the thing about comedy. It doesn’t matter what kind of clown you are; whether it’s the oddball mayhem of Doctor Brown, the wild flights of fancy of Izzard, even the downtrodden everyman of Louis

CK. You take every ounce of passion, every drop of intelligence; you spend hours carefully crafting and honing your ability to communicate with other human beings on a deep level, and then use these powers to make a joke about knobs.

Why do it? Why not talk about something meaningful rather than reading imaginary letters from my dead dog? Why not write a play, or a film, or a novel? I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me the ‘aim’, or fundamental ‘meaning’ behind my jokes is nothing compared to the rewards received through the act of telling them. The instant rush of adrenaline when you evoke an involuntary reaction from a crowd of strangers or the joy of a split audience, with some of them wondering what the hell is going on and others trusting you completely. That is electric. It doesn’t matter what the topic of your connection is, what matters is making the connection in the first place. There’s no better feeling.

A mate of mine once told me that if he recognised himself in any of my performances, he’d come on stage and give me a slap. I think he was joking. I told him that he wouldn’t see himself because I’d have him disguised as the Octopus King or something.

“But I know you,” he said, “I’d look through the tentacles and see me staring back.” He actually said that by the way, that’s not random nonsense I made up for the purposes of this article. He’s a profound

DIVINE COMEDY


man, on occasion, such as when he said of fantasy authors, “Creating worlds, what a marvellous way to make a living!” and in doing so, accidentally reintroduced me to my childhood ambitions that I’d long since given up in favour of doing ‘something sensible’, and here I am talking to you about being a comedian.

When you get started as a stand-up comic, you’re always being told that you need to find your ‘voice’. There’s a lot of nonsense about what this actually means, but put simply, a comedian’s ‘voice’ is a way of portraying themselves on stage in a manner that seems, for whatever reason, to be authentically ‘them’. It quite often isn’t them at all, in any real sense of the term, but is an authentic ‘them’ for the purposes of their comic persona.

You don’t get it immediately. It takes a long time. It entails a lot of mimicry, practice, timing, attention to detail, frantic improvisation, and charlatan parlour tricks. I certainly haven’t found mine yet, but every now and again, I’ll be running through my nonsense dead dog routine and I’ll suddenly realise that, as stupid as the concept is, I’m speaking just as much from the heart as I would be if I was giving a TED talk about my life, or secretly acting out the scene when Wall-E meets Eva. At that point, all my nerves or feelings of inadequacy completely disappear. It’s a powerful and liberating moment.

So if you can lift the bonnet, root around inside your head and tell me honestly what you find in there, even if it’s just a bunch of bad jokes about elephant droppings and airline food, then I’ll see you on stage.

If you found my preceding monologue pretentious and self-absorbed, then here’s some actual real life comedians you should hunt down and watch. And not on Youtube either. Live. In a theatre or a club. Where the real magic happens.

1. Liam WilliamsCurrently enjoying an extended run in London’s Soho Theatre, Liam Williams is probably the finest new comedian to appear on the scene in the last decade. He’s not for everyone, but his shows are a labour of love and a masterclass in verbose wit.2. Gein’s Family GiftshopI’ve never seen a group more gleeful to tell jokes about farts and other bodily functions than this bunch. A disgusting troupe who ply their grubby trade with genuine charm.3. Richard GaddDebased Scottish purveyor of misery, Richard Gadd is a squalid, morbid and utterly hilarious performer. Expect sketches, theatre and jokes from a twisted mind.4. Funs and GamezThe oddest, most mischievous adult friendly and utterly inappropriate children’s show you’ve ever seen.

DIVINE COMEDYBy Jacob Hatton


In Defence of a Proper Breakfast

‘An army marches on its stomach’ said Napoleon Bonaparte and also, allegedly, Frederick the Great (whoever the hell he might be) and a bloody good point they were making too. I like to think that when required, I can march my way through the day on my (increasingly rotund) stomach, fuelled by a hearty breakfast. Unfortunately this doesn’t happen often enough, mainly because I’m currently trying to be healthy (I’ve recently bought some ‘oat cluster’ cardboard things, although their being mixed in with chocolate drops, caramel and shortcake has me thinking that they may not be the scions of health they’re advertised as being). The other reason is that when I do fancy indulging in something more…meaty…I can’t get a decent bacon and/or sausage sandwich ANYWHERE – especially one which isn’t slathered in BLOODY MAYONNAISE (but that was a Rant from a long time ago – I’m not going back there right now. Mayonnaise. Grrrrrr). Now, I’m not a demanding bloke, but is it too much to ask for bacon to be cooked properly, in a way that doesn’t render it flaccid, pale and behaving like it’s been boiled by the least enthusiastic chef on Planet Earth? Can we also not go to the opposite end of the spectrum and provide bacon so crunchy that I risk losing a molar on impact? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK, BRITAIN? IS IT?? Sausages need addressing too. Now, Mr Purveyor of Pork Based Breakfast Goods, I know you need to make a profit from selling scran to hungry commuters, but slicing a sausage in half and then grilling it means it’s just the cooked skin and a small amount of meat only ever rarely escaping un-charred. I’d like a sausage with some bite, and some spice and flavour – not a thin wedge of taste-free meatcake. Christ, if that was what I was after, I’d go the whole hog and get some Quorn. Finally, ‘a smidge’ of ketchup, while not a scientifically agreed metric unit, remains unilaterally defined as ‘a little bit’. Not half a cupful and certainly not so much that when you’re spanking the bottom of the bottle you’re in serious danger of chipping the work surface.

I’m an army, I need to march, but I can’t do it on damp bacon and crap sausages.

THE RANT By Chris Owen

Do you have something you want to rant about? Send 300 words to [email protected]

HUGE thanks to all of our volunteers who have helped us out at train stations, uni fairs, gigs, and more. CALM would never be able to shout so loud without you!

TMW, you know who you are. We cannot thank you enough for every thing you have done for us.

HUGE thanks to Professor Green, Jake Mills, The Stringer Family, Alex & Josh at the BBC , Katie and team at Hanover and everyone who donated to our BBC Lifeline Appeal. A mind blowing start to the year. Thank you.

Bye Bye Brophy! You will be sorely missed. Big ups and good luck. *ULTRA

William Spencer, thanks for you help with the SBSP website. A hero, as ever.

Ian, Duncan & the CALMfest crew. An awesome night had by all, thank you!

Thanks JC Decaux for continuing to provide thousands of poster sites across the country for #mandictionary. Game changing support.

Big up to Michael, Evan, Janrius, An-nie, Sam, Helen, Ni-all, Carla, Andy, and Robbie for helping us with anything and everything at

CALM Towers!

An enormous cheers to Octopus Investments for their extraordinary fundraising efforts, starting the year off with a bang. Welcome on board! We’re looking forward to working with you all in 2015.

Eddy TM, for your never

ending advocacy for

CALM and everything we

stand for, you deserve a

medal! #manuary

Many thanks to BTP for working hard to make sure CALM have a voice during the rush hour commute.

Dan Garber, La Shark & The Monitors, for your support and gen-eral awesomeness.

ATENCIÓN!

A huge high five to Lottie, Ross and all at Topman. Exciting times ahead!

All our Santa Dashers, tough mudders and sweaty runners who continue to astound us with your sporting andfundraising prowess. You’re the best supporters in the world.

thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58

Q: I’m Italian and people over here struggle to understand my accent. I’m constantly repeating myself and slowing my sentences. It’s starting to hinder my job search. What can I do, mio amico!

Allesandro, CamdenA: I’m Nigerian. When I first got here I had an accent thicker than the average neck on Geordie Shore. I worked in a bar; people got my ‘three’ confused with ‘free.’ A lot of disappointed customers. Very few tips.Speaking English slowly did the trick. Pretend you live in a far away land where most people only speak one language and they’re all 6 years old. Some people will get offended, but at least they’ll get what you’re saying first time.

Q: I was once semi-famous for going on ITVs take me out. I’m now single (again) and after risking my dignity on national TV, I’m now feeling like I’m running out of options to find ‘the one’. Any tips on how to find a Mrs?

Daniel, ChiswickA: Dude, Don’t be flipping daft. You don’t want to date anyone who recognises you from Take Me Out. I watch that show religiously and I can’t remember anyone on it. No one can remember anyone on that show. Not even the contestants. Or Paddy McGuinness. No one cares you were on the show. Or you could try a new scene like, I dunno, dance classes or poetry or chess?

My mum is my landlord. Yes I know that makes me sound well privileged but now she wants to move in and live with me after divorcing my old man. Should I embrace the change of probably having dinner made for me every night, or stand my ground and beg to remain independent?

Chris, StratfordA: How much rent are you paying? How much rent do you want to be paying? If question 1 is higher than question 2, then I recommend letting your mom stay. Bonus Q: how good is your mum’s cooking? Super Bonus Q: Do you get on with your mum and/or is the flat/your life designed in such a way to allow minimal contact if you don’t actually get along? You get me?

Q: Generally I’m a normal human being. But every now and then all I want to do is go to a karaoke bar and rap Drake’s ‘Started From The Bottom’ in front of strangers. Is this okay? Should go and see a doctor (dre)?

Benji, ManchesterA: Dude. Frank Sinatra is my thing. But when I take too much sugar you’d be surprised how many DMX songs I know, or how well DMX rhymes go over any songs. I can rap ‘Ruff Ryders’ Anthem’ over Dolly Patron’s ‘Nine to Five’. It always goes down a treat. I am always sober. I am always happy.

Do you have a question for JOSH Email us on [email protected]: Josh is not a qualified expert. He’s just a joker.

However if you do want to know some more about him, go to www.poejazzi.com

If you need professional advice, call the London CALM helpline on 0808 802 5858.or our National helpline on: 0800 585858

Our entirely unprofessional agony uncle offers his entirely unprofessional advice…


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