BCA 223 Variety Show

FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

MIGUEL walks into frame, briefcase in hand.

MIGUEL

Honey I’m home!

No response until...

ISABEL (O.S.)

I’ll be down in a minute!

There’s lots of hustle and bustle going on upstairs, Miguel

takes notice:

MIGUEL

What are you doing up there?

He heads for the stairs but just as he gets to the bottom,

ISABEL barrels down.

Her hair is messy and her breaths heavy, there’s even a

little bit of lipstick smeared on her face.

ISABEL

(huffing and puffing)

Sorry honey, I was just um uh,

mopping the floors up there!

MIGUEL

But our upstairs is carpeted.

He touches the smeared lipstick on her face.

MIGUEL (CONT’D)

And what is this?

ISABEL

Oh -- I uh, was uh just trying on

new lipstick!

He leans in closer to her, sniffs her.

MIGUEL

You smell like a burrito.

ISABEL

Well, what do you expect honey? I

am Mexican and so are you!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

MIGUEL

Well, yeah, I guess you’re right

honey. Us Mexicans do smell like

burritos --

More noise comes from upstairs

MIGUEL

Wait a minute is somebody up there?

He looks up the stairs, Isabel stands in his way.

ISABEL

No, no, no, honey, who would be up

there?

MIGUEL

Well I don’t know maybe --

She cuts him off, shuttles him to the couch.

ISABEL

Honey, you’ve had a long day why

don’t you just sit down and I’ll

give you a massage.

MIGUEL

Sounds good to me!

He sits down on the couch, Isabel walks behind him, massages

his shoulders.

ISABEL

Just shut your eyes honey and

relax.

He shuts his eyes, relaxes while his wife massages his neck

and shoulders.

MIGUEL

Oh yeah honey, you know just

where I like it, you’re too

good to me sometimes.

ISABEL

Oh you know me honey, I’m just the

perfect wife.

SUDDENLY, in the BG a large man wearing MEXICAN WRESTLING

MASK tip toes from down the stairs. This is LIBRE.

Libre has no pants or shirt on as he tries to sneak out.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

ISABEL

Just keep your eyes closed and let

me do the work.

Libre walks past, Isabel motions him to hurry up and leave.

MIGUEL

Smells like burritos in here. Sure

you’re not cooking buritos?

Libre is out the door.

Just as Isabel finishes the massage she spots a LIPSTICK

STAIN on Miguel’s collar.

ISABEL

What the hell is this?!

Miguel quickly gets up.

MIGUEL

Oh, uh nothing honey, nothing at

all.

ISABEL

Nothing?!

She slaps him across the face.

Miguel holds his face:

MIGUEL

What was that for?

She slaps him again, this time harder.

SUDDENLY, Libre walks back into the house.

LIBRE

Sorry, I forgot my wallet.

MIGUEL

Who the hell are you?

LIBRE

Nice to meet you amigo, my name is

Libre.

He extends his hand to Miguel.

Miguel’s face boils over with anger.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

LIBRE

You ok ese?

Miguel leaps on top of Libre and the two begin to wrestle it

out as a horrified Isabel watches.

FADE TO BLACK

INT. BACHELOR-IT SET - DAY

IT and the HOST converse about the big ceremony.

HOST

And now for the season finale of

“Bachelor-it”. Our it is about to

choose it’s life partner. The

choice is between ladies Leyla

Pimples and Sandy Cheeks. Leyla

enjoys popping balloons and pimples

while eating cheese. Sandy is a

recovering meth addict but with the

help of the Lord, has made her way

onto the bachelor-it. The men

finalists are Chester Dinkleton and

Remus Dawson. Chester suffered head

trauma at the young age of 5 years

old, and now believes he is the

President of the United States.

Remus enjoys long, hot bubble baths

while listening to Nickleback.

HOST

Time to hear from the it of the

night itself. How are you doing it?

Feeling nervous?

IT

Nervous? Nervous. More like not

nervous. But I’ll leave it up to

you to decide.

HOST

It’s the last night of a long

journey. How has the journey been?

IT

Journey? More like the act of

traveling from one place to

another. That sounds right to me.

You can call it that.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

HOST

Good luck tonight It.

IT

And also to you.

INT. ROSE CEREMONY - CONTINUED

It stands front of LEYLA, REMUS, SANDY, and MR. PRESIDENT.

IT

(clears his throat)

Hello. I think you all know why

I’ve gathered why you here this

evening. There’s four of you, and

one of me, and one of you is going

to be with one of me.

Unfortunately, there’s only one of

me. Leyla, so many beautiful

puss-filled nights we spent

together. You do realize you have

cheese breathe? Sandy. Mr.

President. It’s been an honor.

Remus, look at this photograph

(gesture). Every time I do, it

makes me laugh. Every time it makes

me...

Silence while It scans the guests.

IT

This is very hard for me -- but

Sandy, you have to leave. Get out.

Seriously leave.

Sandy sobs as she walks away.

IT

Remus. It’s hard to say it. Time to

say it. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Remus leaves.

IT

Leyla, what do you call cheese that

is sad?

Leyla doesn’t know.

IT (CONT’D)

Blue cheese. You gotta go.

Leyla cries,walks aways.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

IT

That means I’m left with one. And I

wouldn’t have it any other way, Mr.

President. You have my vote, sir.

Host walks into frame.

HOST

Congratulations on your decision.

Do you feel like you made the right

choice?

IT

You know what they say.

HOST

That’s it for this season of the

Bachelor-it. Who’s going to be the

next It? Only time will tell.

Congratulations to the happy

couple.

FADE TO BLACK

FADE IN:

INT. MAURY SET - DAY

MAURY sits on stage alone.

MAURY

Today we’re going to meet Chester,

and the Bachelor-it. There has been

scandal since the final rose

ceremony. The Bachelor-it does not

know the parent of 2 year old

Courtney. Also, many questions

arise about the Bachelor-it’s name.

So, without further adieu, let’s

bring out the Bachelor-it and

reveal yourself to the world!

Audience claps. BACHELOR-IT walks out, greets Maury, waves

to the audience, and sits down.

BACHELOR-IT

Thank you so much for having me on

the show today Maury --

Maury nods.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

BACHELOR-IT (CONT’D)

First off, I want to take this

moment and reveal who I am as

person, rather than an "it." My

actual name is Kelly Shorts. The

show considered to conceal my name

due to the large number of death

threats the network received.

MAURY

That is so terrible to hear. Let us

bring out the other half. Come on

out Chester!

CHESTER walks out onto stage. The audience cheers. Chest

greets Bachelor-it then Maury, sits down.

CHESTER

Maury, I am the president of this

great nation. Thank you so much for

having me on today!

MAURY

Huh? What are you talking about?

Obama is our president.

CHESTER

No. Where were you on November 6th

Mr. Povich?

MAURY

Ummmm I watched Obama get

re-elected like the rest of America

--

Maury looks to the crowd, they laugh.

MAURY (CONT’D)

But anyways, moving on. So after

the taping there was a reported

scandal between Kelly and another

finalists. Lailia come on down,

you’re the next contest on the

price is wrong!

LAILIA walks onto set, sits down next to Chester, crosses

her arms and legs.

LAILIA

Thank you so much for having me on

today Maury. W-T-Fudge Chester!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

CHESTER

What are you doing here cheese for

brains?

Chester laughs at his own not so funny joke.

KELLY

Ugh, just what I need -- two

mindless droids fighting over me.

Listen, I’m going to let you two

duke it out over me.

The Bachelor-it gets up, Maury stops her.

MAURY

No, no, stay. We are going to sort

out a few problems concerning you

and your child. Now Kelly, is there

anything you would like to admit

both these people?

KELLY

Here’s something I’d like to admit

-- sometimes I love too much, is

that so wrong? Sometimes I care for

others too much, is that a crime?

Maury lets that sink in for a beat.

MAURY

Now, Chester, Lailia, is there

anything you’d like to say?

CHESTER

Why yes there is Maury --

Chester clears his throat, straightens out tall in chair.

CHESTER (CONT’D)

My fellow Maury goers. As president

of this great nation, I can assure

all of you and the American people,

justice will be served.

MAURY

Ol, cheese brain, I mean Lailia,

you have anything to say?

LAILIA

Is this guy ok? He looks like he

suffered a head injury?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.

MAURY

He’ll be fine. Don’t change the

subject. I think it may be time to

reveal the true co-heir of the

child. Are you ready Kelly?

KELLY

Indubitably.

MAURY

Someone get me a can opener,

because I’m about to open the

worms...

Maury opens an envelope, pulls out a note, reads it:

MAURY (CONT’D)

When it comes to baby Courtney --

Chester, Kelly, Lailia look on in anticipation.

MAURY (CONT’D)

Chester you are not the father.

Chester explodes off his seat.

CHESTER

What?! This is b-s!

LAILIA

Ha! I knew it! Maury get me my

baby!

MAURY

Hold on, hold on, Lailia...It just

so happens to be that you are NOT

the parent either.

LAILIA

What?! How could this be?

MAURY

Kelly, neither of these people’s

D-N-A matched with Courtney’s --

why do you think that is?

KELLY

You should all ready know that

Maury.

MAURY

What are you talking about?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

KELLY

Don’t play dumb. Spring break in

cabo? Wine coolers? Ring any bells?

MAURY

That was so long ago.

KELLY

Yes it was...Two years ago. Ladies

and gentlemen of the Maury Povich

show...I present you the real

father!

Kelly points to Maury. His face turns beat red.

He fumbles for words:

MAURY

What, it’s, it’s, it’s not my

fault! It was my first time

drinking Franzia! You know,

slapping the bag? Taking the tour?

Kelly rolls her eyes.

KELLY

Oh, I’ve heard that one too many

times before.

MAURY

Ok, we’re going to have to cut to

commercial break --

KELLY

Commerical break? More like diaper

break, and more importantly mamma

needs to get off so come on Maury

let’s go.

Kelly drags Maury by his ear out of his chair.

MAURY

No! No! Someone help me!

Off Maury’s horrified face, we --

FADE TO BLACK