the 7 point check-list for coping with a difficult family

Written by Adewale Ademuyiwa: A product of www.StressTherapist.net LTD - Copy write 2016

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The 7 point check-list for coping with a difficult family member

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The Aim of this checklist Remember that what we are trying to aim for is you being able to enjoy life despite all the negativity

generated by your Difficult Family Member (DFM). Important: We are not trying to change our

difficult family member. We are just trying to change our ineffective ways of coping.

Benefits of using this checklist This is a 7 point checklist that will help ensure that…

1. You can turn your situation around by actively spotting when you are about to slip into

survival behaviours that allows your DFM to push you around emotionally. This way you

can nip things in the bud quickly before they get a chance to drain you.

2. The checklist will make sure you know how to take a better, more relaxed/calm, down to

earth approach, and change how you react instead of trying to change other people (whom

you can NOT change).

3. Using the checklist can help you stay calm, question everything, and spend your energy

wisely (on the more important things in your life). This is so essential for retaining a

perspective of life that helps you control your way of thinking.

4. It will guarantee that you can use your DFM's manipulation to your advantage and react in

such a way that you can reach a positive outcome at least for yourself.

5. And lastly, the checklist will help ensure you know how to move on quickly from these

energy sucking events.

How to use this checklist

As humans, we are creatures of habit. As such we all have the tendency to return to our negative

ways of doing things. In a lot of cases, all we need is a quick reminder of what we should be doing

instead.

This is the point of this checklist, so you may choose to print the checklist out and carry it around

with you for easy access, at least until you can remember the points easily.

The checklist is laid out in a format that allows you to see the whole list at a glance. I have identified

seven traps and put them in the table at the end of this PDF for easy access.

Beside each trap, you will find brief definition of what it is, a link to a fuller description of the trap

and an explanation of how it manifests. Then next to this you’ll find a brief explanation of what to do

instead plus a link to a more detailed explanation.

Before you get to the checklist, here is the explanation of each of the 7 traps in the checklist. I

explain why the traps exist and what to do about each one. (Take me straight to the checklist)



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Trap 1.

Energy sapper: The Appreciation Trap How it manifests into a problem In this trap, people try to do things to show their DFM that they care for them or love them. The

hope here is that the DFM notices this and keeps the good deed in memory.

This is a massive mistake.

Why?

Most DFM’s suffer with something I call the “forgetful baby mind-set”.

You know how babies tend to forget whatever is not right in front of them? Well your DFM most

likely has a similar thing going on, except in this case; they are so consumed with their life’s

difficulties that it interferes with them retaining your kind actions.

So for example, you give your DFM surprise gifts, book holidays or maybe give them flowers today.

They initially appear to appreciate it and their mood is alright for a few days but then everything

reverts back to the same-old routine. It’s like they have forgotten what you did for them. Now your

DFM is treating you horribly again.

In this situation, seeking some sort of validation that this person really cares becomes a trap that’s

always setting you up for more pain and disappointment. You hope that they would see and value

your actions and then maybe reciprocate by being nicer or at least maintain some sort of

appreciation for your kindness.

In the end, overtime your motivation to do those things to be nice to them eventually dies off and

becomes replaced with feeling low in yourself or feeling bitter.

Steps to take against this trap It’s highly important to stop expecting acceptance or appreciation. If it is given, that’s fine.

When you do things for them, it's especially important that you don't expect them to appreciate it.

However, it is also highly important that you still regularly mention things you do for them. Not for

their appreciation, but to bring it to their awareness repeatedly. If you don’t do this, they will end up

taking you for granted, and we don’t want this. (Click to go back to the checklist)



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Trap 2.

Energy sapper: The Hope Killer

How it manifests into a problem This trap is created because people fall into the habit of hoping that their DFM will change their way

of seeing things. The belief driving this hope is an expectation that once the DFM sees clearly that

the suggested change would make their own life a lot better, they would have no reason to resist

the suggested changes.

However, the more you try to do anything in order to make your DFM change, the more you’ll feel

like you are hitting your head on the wall. Doing this will sabotage your happiness, leading to

despondency and depression.

It’s true that our DFM may change, but if we make achieving this change our sole driver, it can

become soul crushing.

On the other hand, if we make no attempts to support our DFM’s to see the value of changing, the

difficult situations, you experience will keep on happening.

So what should we be doing instead?

Steps to take against this trap 1. Firstly, you need to come to an acceptance that your DFM’s bubble’s defense system will not

allow them to see things the way you want them to see it.

This is just what it is. And the more there is friction between you and them when trying to

make them see sense, the more stubborn their defensive bubble will become.

A work around for this though, is to sometimes give your DFM some of what they want

(within reason) BUT you must always make sure to follow this up with the following actions

immediately. Make sure to voice your displeasure to them every single time you give in a

little. So for example saying something like: “Please notice that I am letting you have this,

but the way you asked for it was quite rude, and it made me feel horrible.”

The mistake most people make when they give in to their DFM is to bottle in their

displeasure. This tends to lead to increased feelings of bitterness.

The benefits of voicing your displeasure right after giving them a win is that your DFM is

likely more open and receptive at that point. Their Bubble defence is Les stubborn, so they

are able to take in a little of what is said, especially if you become relentless in repeating all

the parts of these steps.

They may still object negatively to what you said. However, you stand a better chance of

impacting some changes in their mind-set this way on the long run (just don’t expect the



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change to take place soon).

2. Secondly, it is important to start living your life like you know they will never change: Refer

to steps in Trap number 7 to see how to practically do this. (Click to go back to the checklist)

Trap 3.

Energy sapper: The Rumination Trap With this trap, you find yourself ruminating (thinking) over and over. For example: Why is she

behaving like this? Why can’t she see this so clearly like I can see it? Why is she being so stubborn?

Why is she doing things like this? You spend so much time just playing this through repeatedly.

How it manifests into a problem If you spend too much time ruminating, it’s going to exhaust you naturally. The impact of an hour

spent with such thoughts is like 3 days of consistent hard labour on the entire body.

It simply saps you of your energy. It kills off your ability to do anything.

The biggest difficulty with this trap is that you get so used to doing it that you soon start doing it

with without realizing you are doing it. This one is a complex problem to break away from, but we

cover how to deal with it effectively in our resilience program.

Steps to take against this trap

For now, be aware that this is an emotionally poisonous thing to do. So try to stop yourself from

doing it: use any form of distraction you can find that works. The bonjela technique is a very good

one for this, as it also helps you to deal with the content of your thoughts.

However, expect to find yourself caught in the ruminative analysis repeatedly. Don't get frustrated

over this as it is normal. Just work on diverting your attention to whatever you've chosen to use as

your distraction tool whenever this happens. (Click to go back to the checklist)

Trap 4.

Energy sapper: Your DFM’s Drip-drip Laser beam

How it manifests into a problem This one tends to catch most people out. It can catch you out even if you know you are strong

emotionally. It’s caused by the regular knit picking that comes from your DFM.

These critical statements are not usually very big, but they can go on, almost daily for many years.

You would mostly recognize this as a feeling like you can never do anything right where your DFM is

concerned. The drip-drip laser beam slowly but surely cuts away at your sense of self. It gradually

kills off your self-esteem, beats it down to a pulp.


http://www.stresstherapist.net/repetitive-negative-thought-patterns/bonjela-technique-how-to-stop-distressing-thoughts



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Steps to take against it 1. One of the best ways to safeguard one’s self against the drip-drip laser beam is to get really

good at letting things come into one ear and go out of the other.

2. Occasionally it is important to voice that you don’t like what your DFM is saying. They may

not like this response so it is essential to be mindful that you voice this without getting into a

debate about it. Doing this can slowly train your DFM to learn that they need to be mindful

of how they talk to you. It can also slowly train them to give you more respect. (Click to go

back to the checklist)

Trap 5.

Energy sapper: The Emotional Shark Addressing this trap is particularly crucial for maintaining ones sanity.

How it manifests into a problem Often what will happen is that your difficult person says something that gets you annoyed or

frustrated, but then the resulting anger can stew for maybe hours to days or even weeks. Sadly, the

reality in this case, is that this anger or negative emotions will eventually wear you down.

For many people, this sort of annoyance can pile up more and more frustrations over many years.

Initially, it would appear that you are coping. However as time goes by, this can contribute to a

build-up of toxic stress leading to you becoming depressed on the long run.

Steps to take against it Now this one is easier said than done, however a lot of the strategies we cover in the TBC emotional

resilience program will equip you to be able to do this better. For now though you can do the

following

1. It’s helpful to get past the point that you can start thinking of their actions as being

about them and their bubble defences when your DFM does something. In other

words, it's best not to take it personally.

It might be helpful to keep in mind that there is a chance that our difficult person is

not really out to harm me on purpose, and that their reaction is likely because they

have a bubble system that is causing them to react this way because it senses a

threat. (Click to go back to the checklist)

1. The bonjela technique can also be extremely useful here to help you stop the generated

negative thoughts from engulfing you


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Trap 6

Energy sapper: The Confidence Killer For one reason or another, some people develop a massive fear of confrontation. The fear is

triggered by the belief that confrontations will make things worse. As such they avoid confrontations

at all costs. This can have a knock-on effect of denting people’s confidence and affecting many areas

of day to day life.

How it manifests into a problem Due to this fear you might find yourself becoming a pushover.

So for example, your DFM does something you don’t like, but you never say anything. You have a

question that might upset your DFM and you don't ask. Your DFM puts you in a situation by making a

decision that he or she should have checked with you first, but you don't say anything. You don’t

even consider negotiating the situation.

Sadly, the consequence of reacting in this way is that we end up training our DFM to think they can

carry on with their negative behaviours. We train them to take advantage of us. So this actually

makes life more stressful eventually.

Steps to take against it When your DFM does something wrong or says something you don't like. It is important that you

mention it.

A very helpful format to follow is something I call “The I don't like this Tape.” It goes something like

this

You did this......

I found it quite hurtful.

I would really appreciate it if you don't do it anymore.

Now the trick is to expect the following...

1. Expect your DFM to retaliate negatively to this. They may even reject what you said they did and

call you a liar. But don't get into a debate with them. Just leave it there. Getting into a debate could

get you angry, which then makes your DFM win.

2. Expect them to do the negative thing again at a later date

3. Expect to have to use the "I don't like this Tape" over and over again for the same problems. This

is why it’s called a tape. As a tape just repeats the same recordings over and over unless it is wiped.

I have found that following these steps may eventually help to stop a lot of your DFM's negative

behaviour. However, expect it to take a really long time to see this result. (Click to go back to the

checklist)



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Trap 7

Energy sapper: The Identity Erazer With this trap, everything in your life gets engulfed by the pain and drama your DFM is causing. At

an extreme it gets to the point that you become unable to appreciate or enjoy good things in our

lives. Everything that identifies you become erased.

How it manifests into a problem This can happen in any type of relationship (with friend, parent, sibling or spouse). With this trap,

you build your life for that relationship. You put the needs of that relationship above your own

needs.

Now, this can be a great thing if the relationship builds you up in a positive way. However, when this

relationship involves a difficult person, they unintentionally rob you of being yourself.

You start living to please them, or you succumb to their wishes to keep the peace. However, since

their expectations are often impossible to attain to, you are always left feeling unappreciated and

undervalued.

So for example, let’s say you have a husband who is very paranoid about who you mingle with so he

questions your every move. In response, you may start to reduce contact with other people just to

keep the peace.

Despite all your sacrifices, this husband still continues to treat you horribly. Sadly, because you have

cut off from your friends, you have no one to discuss how you are feeling with. This means you have

no one to help you counteract the poisonous comments or digs from your husband.

This particular problem is powerful enough to wear the strongest of people down, but it gets worse

because managing things in this manner eventually causes your DFM to lose respect for you, so they

become more difficult.

Steps to take against it The best step to take against this trap is to put in a lot of effort into building a life for yourself,

separate from your DFM and his or her needs. This is particularly helpful for repairing or boosting

self-esteem.

Practically, what this just means is that you invest time in doing the following things

Researching to find and do enjoyable activities

Finding ways to develop yourself

Planning enjoyable thing for the future

Engaging in learning activities that teach you how to make things better in your life

Finding people who make you feel good about yourself and spending more time with them.

(Click to go to the checklist)



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Boy! This is too much hard work! Yes it sucks.

You’re probably like, “Adewale, can’t you just tell me how to hypnotise my DFM and zap the

irritating stubbornness out of their brains?"

The honest answer:

No. If I could do that, I'll be a QUINTILLIONAIRE by now (if such a word exists).

But Jokes aside.

You need to make a decision.

What are you willing to trade for your sanity?

Are you willing to trade your health and well-being? Or are you willing to trade your time and effort.

I can't promise that it'll be easy work.

But this is the first step, that one simple choice that moves you towards claiming your life back from

the strangling hold of your DFM.

Send me an email with your decision. I’ll be watching out for it.

(Click to go to the checklist)



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The DFM checklist

Energy Sapper Steps to take

Trap 1

The Appreciation Trap:

Click here to see what this means and how it becomes a problem

Stop expecting acceptance or appreciation.

But it’s still highly important to mention that you've done

the things for them, not for their appreciation, but to bring

it to their awareness.

Click here for detailed explanation of this step

Trap 2

The Hope Killer:


Learn to accept that their bubble will not allow them to see

things the way you want them to see it. It’s just what it is.

Start living your life like they will not change and refer to

steps in Trap number 7


Trap 3

The RuminationTrap:


Use any form of distraction that works for you to stop

yourself from doing this. The more enjoyable the better.

The bonjela technique is a very good one for this, as it helps

you to deal with the content of your thoughts at the same

time.


Trap 4

Your DFM’s Drip-drip Laser Beam:


Learn to get really good at letting things come into one ear

and go out of the other.

Occasionally voice that they are being over critical and you

don’t like what they are saying.


Trap 5

The Emotional Shark : Click here to see what this means and how it becomes a problem

Call into mind that this is more about your DFM’s and their

bubble defences and not about you.

This is how they treat most people. There is no point

holding on to the negative emotion. Follow the detailed

steps for more on how to manage this.


Trap 6

The Confidence Killer:


When your DFM does something wrong or something you

don't like, remember to mention it without getting into a

debate.

Use the” I don't like it tape system” described in the

detailed steps.


Trap 7

The Identity Erazer:


Invest time in the following:

Researching and doing enjoyable activities

Finding ways to develop yourself

Planning enjoyable thing for the future

Engaging in learning activities that teach you

how to make things better in your life




the 7 point check-list for coping with a difficult family

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