leadership academy 2015 “coping with difficult people”

LEADERSHIP ACADEMY 2015

“COPING WITH DIFFICULT

PEOPLE”

UNDERSTANDING “DIFFICULT” BEHAVIOR

1. How much time do we spend coping with difficult people?

2. Identifying difficult people

3. What can you do about it?

HOW MUCH TIME DO WE SPEND COPING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE?

• How about EVERY day!

• Truly “difficult” people show chronic behavior issues• Most people are not really difficult, rather the result of a

situation temporarily bringing out the worst in them

• As in anything…there are exceptions to the rule and there ARE sometimes difficult people you’ll deal with

TO IDENTIFY A TRULY DIFFICULT PERSON, ASK:

• Has the person in question usually acted differently in three similar situations?

• Am I reacting out of proportion to what the situation warrants?

• Was there a particular incident that triggered the troublesome behavior?

• Will direct, open discussion relieve the situation?

(if you answer 'yes' to any of these, then chances are you are not dealing with a 'difficult person'. If your answers are all 'no', then chances are you do have a 'difficult person' on your hands)

IDENTIFYING DIFFICULT PEOPLE (THE TYPES OF DIFFICULT PEOPLE)

1. Hostile-aggressives: those who bully and throw tantrums to get their way.

2. Complainers: those who gripe incessantly but do nothing to change things.

3. Super-Agreeables: those who are supportive and agreeable but fail to follow through.

4. Silent and Unresponsives (“Clams”): those who respond to every question with yep, no, or a grunt.

5. Negativists (“Wet Blankets”): those who deflate any optimism you have.

6. Know-It-All Experts: those who know everything about anything worth knowing and their goal is to make you feel worthless.

7. Indecisives (“Staller”): those who stall major decisions until they are made for them, often causing loss of jobs and opportunities.


1. Hostile-aggressives: 3 types

•Sherman Tanks – abusive, abrupt, intimidating, overpowering

•Exploders – lose control, throw things, shout

•Snipers – loud but they attack from cover

2.Complainers

•Find fault in everything (“The problem is……..”)

•Basically feel powerless and free from personal responsibility

•Unable to engage in productive problem solving


3. Super-Agreeables

•Agree with everyone and everything

•Agree because they either really don’t know or avoid conflict at all costs

•Couldn’t make a decision if their life depended on it!

4. Silent & Unresponsive (Clams)

•Reacts to questions or attempts to engage with silence

•Grunts, non-committal yes or no, offer little or nothing to the conversation

•Fear, sullen anger or spiteful refusal to cooperate


5. Negatives (Wet Blankets)

•They feel everything is out of control (probably due to their own incompetence)

•Bitterness about themselves, others, and life in general

•Usually respond quickly – “It won’t work” or “It’s no use”

6. Know-It-All Experts

•Much like the bulldozer expert on all matters

•Leave others feeling stupid, insignificant or worthless

•Driven by need to simplify THEIR world by controlling things to suit themselves


7. Indecisives (Stallers)

•They accept jobs/positions then let others do it for them

•Almost never follow up, can never depend on them

•Caught between two desires: desire to help and desire not to “disappoint” which is what they usually DO!

•Actually seem to be the hardest type to deal with because they’re typically very nice and mean well but will always let you down, especially when things count the most

COPING TECHNIQUES FOR DIFFICULT PEOPLE

1. Hostile-aggressives:

Sherman Tanks

•Give them time to run down

•Don’t worry about being polite

•Get their attention by calling them by their own name (VERY IMPORTANT!)

•If possible, get them to sit down & discuss (not holler) issues with you

•Maintain eye contact with them

•Don’t argue with anything they say (that’s what they want you to do!)

•Don’t try to cut them down at all

•Be ready to be friendly and receptive to negotiation



Exploders

•Give them time to run down and gain self-control on their own

•If they don’t wind down on their own, feel free to break into a tantrum state by saying loudly a neutral phrase like: “Stop!” or “Quiet, please!”

•Show them you take them and their concerns seriously by using active listening skills.

•Repeating back what they said is sometimes useful to show them (and any audience in the room) you are listening and possibly how they are sounding especially if it’s a particularly foolish reply or suggestion

•If necessary, suggest moving to a private setting for further discussion (sometimes they realize that they are sounding quite foolish and may even become embarrassed by their behavior)



Snipers

•Give them time to run down too. They like, no, they NEED to “perform” in front of people in order to get their mission accomplished

•Most of the time they really aren’t even looking for a solution…they just want to “perform”

•If they heckle, interrupt your presentation (or whatever) by stopping and saying: “I’m sorry John, I believe all of our time is very important to us but I feel you’re not taking this time serious. Am I correct?” Depending on their reply, you could ask the group or anyone present: “Does anyone else feel this way?” Many times you might even blow them out of the water because they truly have nothing to contribute except smart-alec answers.

•You could also stop immediately and ask them to finish your thoughts with what HAS to be important because they felt it important enough to interrupt you, then you tell them you will continue when they are finished


2. Complainers:•Listen attentively to their complaints even if you feel guilty or impatient

•Acknowledge what they are saying by paraphrasing and summation, then check to see if your perceptions are accurate

•Don’t agree with or apologize for their complaints

•Avoid the accusation-defense-reaccusation pattern

•State the facts without comment

•Try to move a problem-solving mode by asking specific questions, assigning fact-finding tasks, or asking for certain complaints to be put down in writing

•If all else fails, as the Complainer, “How do you want this discussion to end?”


3. Super-agreeables :•Let them know you value them by telling them directly about things like family, apparel, hobbies, etc. (Do this only if you mean it. Super-agreeables have very perceptive antennae!)

•Ask them to talk about anything in your presentation. Basically, get THEM talking

•Be ready to compromise and negotiate if open conflict is in the wind

•Listen to the Super-agreeable’s humor. There may be hidden messages in those quips or teasing remarks

•Be prepared to work very hard to uncover any relative or underlying facts & issues that prevent them from taking any action on their part


4. Silent & Unresponsives (Clams):•Try to ask open-ended questions of them

•Wait for a response from them. Use “counseling questions” to help reluctant clams to open up and be more talkative

•Don’t fill in the silence with idle chatter that will indicate your own discomfort with the situation

•Plan for extra time that will allow you to wait with composure

•If no responses are forthcoming, ask another open-minded question and wait

•Comment on what is happening in the interaction between the two of you

•Develop your skills in using the friendly-silent-stare technique


5. Negativists (Wet Blankets):•Be alert to your own tendencies toward permission

•Make optimistic but realistic statements about past successes in solving similar problems

•Don’t try to argue Wet Blankets out of their pessimism

•Don’t offer solutions until the problem has been thoroughly discussed

•When alternatives are being discussed, raise questions yourself about possible negative consequences or outcomes

•See the Wet Blanket in perspective, view the negativism as problems that CAN be solved and overcome

•Be prepared to take action on your own and announce your plans to do so


6. Know-It-All Experts:•Be prepared, do your homework, review all pertinent material, have all information you need available

•Listen carefully and paraphrase the main points of contention

•Don’t resort to dogmatic statements or overgeneralizations

•Be tentative in any disagreements; use questions to raise any problems

•Ask exploratory questions to examine any plans for problem solutions

•Watch out for your own Know-It-All responses


7. Undecisives (Stallers):•Be open to listening to the conflicts and difficulties Stallers have in making choices and decisions

•Listen for indirect clues for the underlying issues

•Surface the issues and then proceed with engaging the Staller with problem-solving techniques

•If the Staller’s reservations involve you, acknowledge any past problems and then proceed with problem solving

•Concentrate on examining the facts of the situation

•Give support for any decision-making the Staller can offer

•Carefully delineate who is responsible for what in resolving for what in resolving the problem

FOUR STEPS TO COPING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

1. Stop Wishing They Were Different

• Far easier said than done!

• We think it’s up to them to change, wish them to change, and fell frustrated when they don’t

• This is an exercise in futility

• GIVE UP THE MAGIC WISH!

• Giving up the energy you use wishing they would change will help YOU


2. Get some distance between you and the person

• We get so wrapped up in situations, feeling upset at ourselves, that we are unable to respond effectively

• Have a detached & distanced view of the difficult person while they are in the process of being difficult

• Being able to label (identifying) the behavior is key


3. Changing the nature of the interaction you’re involved in

• Change your own behavior to modify the interaction and the outcome

Ex.: Super-agreeables over-promise and under-deliver. If you insist on honesty it will drive them into a panic and result in even more of the same over-promising behavior. Instead, try changing the situation to make it easier for truth to emerge. This means making honesty non-threatening and subtly reassuring them that they are still liked.


4. Implementing & monitoring your strategy

• Choose the right time to deal with situations (you may have to go at it more than once?)

• Realizing how much energy you have to put into it

• Practicing how to handle the situation (anticipating possible responses)

FINAL NOTE

If all your attempts at coping don’t work then maybe it’s time to literally get as much distance from the “difficult person” as possible. No-one is under a moral obligation to keep working with another person whose behavior is demoralizing, severely upsetting or stress-producing. On the other hand, there are some situations you know you are unable to walk away from and learning how to cope with (not manage) difficult people may be both useful and necessary.

Bottom line is, sometimes you just cannot budge them nor should you have to kill yourself trying!

leadership academy 2015 “coping with difficult people”

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