revision and formal speeches

7/30/2019 Revision and Formal Speeches

1/23

The Revision Process

for Speech Writing


2/23

Which Speech is Better?


3/23

A pleasant good morning to everybody who has

taken time out of his busy schedule just to

celebrate the passing out of Dr. Rene Santos

from service. Although this is a special occasion,a number of us have mixed up their emotions

about it.

Speech Mistakes: Diction

means confused!means unconscious!

unnecessary should be everyone


4/23

Speech Mistakes: Organization

As a mentor, Dr. Santos helped a bunch of

people do their requirements and stuff to

successfully pursue secondary education.

As an administrator perhaps Dr. Santos most

significant achievement was able to solicit funds

for the construction of a two-storey building.

As a colleague, Dr. Santos untiringly worked


5/23

Speech Mistakes: Clarity

First of all, Rene, we are saddened by your

passing away from this office but rest assure

that we will always welcome your presence

here. Let me take a simple quotation from theback cover of How to Retire Happy, Wild, and

Free that I would like to quote

unnecessary repetition

Too negative for retirement speechconclusion?!


6/23

Giving a speech is hard. But why?

Readers Listeners

See words on the page they

have the advantage of visual aids.

Can re-read words, sentences,

paragraphs.Can read at their own speed.

See punctuation, paragraphs, and

other visual cues to help follow

the structure.

Cannot see words. If the speaker does

not speak clearly, listeners may not

understand.

Only hear a speech once.

Depend on the speed of the speaker. If

the speaker is too fast, listeners might

not understand. If too slow, listeners

might lose interest.

Must listen to the pauses and

emphasis in the speakers voice

for organizational cues.


7/23


8/23

Next, 4 Ways to Revise Speeches!

1. Mark word emphasis, pauses, and eye

contact.

2. Remove unnecessary words.

3. Use active voice.

4. Repeat sentence structure to organize.


9/23

1. Mark word emphasis

Notice the differences in meaning based on the

emphasized word:

Today we celebrate Dr. Rene Santoss career.






10/23

Mark pauses, eye contact, gestures

Those of us who have to work into our eighties

to acquire enough money to retire are green

with envy. [pause]I shall end by quoting from

How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free:"Retirement is the beginning of life, not the

end!" We all know that the best part of your life

is just beginning. With that, [eye] Rene, I wish

you all the very best on behalf of all of us [handgesture].


11/23

2. Remove unnecessary words

As an administrator, Dr. Santos most significant

achievement was to be able to solicit funds for

the construction of a two-storey building which

are now occupied by students with disabilities

under the Special Education program.


12/23

Prepositional phrases create

wordinessWordy prepositional phrase Clear sentence

The earnings ofthe supervisor with regards to salary is high. The manager's salary is high.

He is about to go to the store on account ofa need ofbread. He needs bread.

From the start, I was full ofworry with regards to the illness

ofmy father.

Originally, my fathers illness

worried me.

A preposition is a word that shows the relationship between two things:

I was in the house

I went from the hourse

I lived at the house

I sat beside the house

I walked around the house


13/23

Count the prepositions

As an administrator, the most significant

achievement of Dr. Santos was to be able to

solicit funds for the construction of a two-storey

building which are now occupied by students

with disabilities under the Special Educationprogram.


14/23

Count the prepositions

As an administrator, the most significant

achievement ofDr. Santos was to be able to

solicit funds for the construction ofa two-storey

building which are now occupied by students

with disabilities under the Special Educationprogram.

8 prepositions in 1 sentence!


15/23

Rewrite it, clearly!

Original Improved

As an administrator, the most

significant achievement of Dr.

Santos was to be able to solicit

funds for the construction of atwo-storey building which are

now occupied by students with

disabilities under the Special

Education Program.

Dr. Santos greatest

administrative achievement

was soliciting funds for a two-

storey Special EducationProgram building.

38 words 16 words!


16/23

3. Use active voice

Passive: The adobo was eaten by the man.

Active: The man ate the adobo.

Passive: The letter will be mailed by Jennilyn.

Active: Jennilyn will mail the letter.


17/23


18/23

4. Repeat sentence structure to organize

As an administrator, Dr. Santos most significant

achievement was able to solicit funds for the

construction of a two-storey building which are

now occupied by students with disabilities underthe Special Education program.

As a mentor, Dr. Santos guided 30 graduating

classes to successfully pursue secondary

education.

As a colleague, Dr. Santos untiringly worked

alongside each of us, arriving earlier than any of


19/23

4. Repeat sentence structure to organize

I have a dream that my four children will one

day live in a nation where they will not be

judged by the color of their skin but by the

content of their character.I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day little black boys and

black girls will be able to join hands with littlewhite boys and white girls and walk together as

sisters and brothers.


20/23

Now Apply It!

In 3 groups, read the speech you are given and

revise it with the following techniques:

1. Create clear, formal diction using at least 3 of

the 50 speech phrases provided.

2. Mark pauses, emphasis, and gestures.

3. Remove all unnecessary words

4. Use active voice

5. Use repetition and transitions to organize


21/23

Speech 1

Our Principal, Dr. Rene Santos, graduates,

parents, friends, and guests, good evening for all

of us in attendance here on this tonight. Tonight

you are a bunch of graduates celebrating andquite rightly so. Knowledge should be brought

with but also an open mind should be brought.

It's really cool if you are going to go to college

because it will give you things and skills to makeyou a better employee and you will get more

money and your family will be able to be


22/23

Speech 2

Dr. Rene Santos, our guest speaker for the night,

administrators, teachers, students, guests, and

to all assembled here, Good night. Tonight we

have a bunch of important things to talk about,regarding the planned K+12 program that will be

implemented eventually in our program even if

some of us think it might be a bad idea and even

if some of us feel that it might cause moreproblems that it solves. I personally think its a

good idea, but dont take my word for it. Tonight


23/23

Speech 3

Ladies and gentlemen, family members, friends,

guests, welcome! Today is the retirement of the

person of none other than Mrs. Sarah B. Alalid.

It is her retirement day and we are gathered towish him well in the future for awhile. Today,

you see, Sarah is starting out on a new

adventure. Hopefully she will now have more

time for her family and to catch up with oldfriends and other stuff. It will be great for her to

be able to say, "I will meet you on Tuesday" and

'

revision and formal speeches

Documents