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Peer Pressure Parenting A sideways look at the pressures on parents

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The starting point…

Parents have very high expectations of themselves, and it is not surprising that we are all driven by a natural desire to want to do our best for our children. Most parents are striving to reach an ideal of a ‘happy family life’, but the pressures they face can be very great, and expectations are sometimes unrealistic.

At Netmums, sadly, we see very many mums who feel that they are not coping and in some cases are finding life especially tough. From listening to these mums, and indeed from our own experiences, we know that there is often a belief that everyone else is somehow coping better. Many consider that their difficulties are somehow a personal failing.

Those who share their problems in the Netmums coffeehouse often find the most valuable support is simply discovering that there are other mothers who have been through similar experiences and that their difficulties are not, in fact, uncommon.

It is easy in an online environment to be honest, but it is in the day-to-day contact within communities and with family and friends that people can often feel most vulnerable. Some mothers end up feeling inadequate and others put pressure on themselves and feel stressed that they cannot do everything they would wish. Low self-esteem and feelings of guilt can wreak havoc on a parent’s health and well-being, and can affect the whole family.

This short study was designed to explore some of the attitudes that underpin the way in which parents think of themselves. It also asked about the barriers and the some measures that might help.

Netmums has named 2011 as the year of the

Real Parenting Revolution

Netmums is calling for societal understanding and acknowledgement of the challenges of being a parent.

By working with parents and those who support or influence parents, the campaign will challenge the pressures and ideals that are unhelpful, and promote honesty and being ‘good enough’ as the qualities to strive for.

!!

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Peer pressure amongst parents?

In December 2010, 4750 parents completed a survey posted online on the Netmums website. 920 mothers also provided comments. This report starts with a commentary on the findings and draws some conclusions. The detailed results and a sample of the views of the mothers themselves follow.

Making comparisons

As parents, we watch other parents to see how they behave with their children and in fact it is natural that we should take an interest in what others do. To some extent it is an important process, because it is how parents learn some aspects of their parenting, and perhaps even identify the current norms in society where there aren’t any obvious rules. For example, when two children start to argue at a playgroup and a mother or childcarer steps in to negotiate a settlement, seeing how they do it can help a newer parent to pick up techniques. Or with an older child, a mother is likely to consult with friends as she thinks through how she should start to teach them a little more independence: when they can run an errand to the corner shop, or be left at home on their own for a short while.

However, it is also natural that while taking an interest in how others manage their parenting, people will also be making comparisons with how they themselves do things. This can leave individuals feeling insecure and lacking confidence. Sometimes parents think they are doing the practical things less well than others, or are impressed by how others appear to be coping with issues; the tendency is to feel that they are less competent.

This study has shown that most mums do compare themselves with others, with three quarters comparing themselves with friends who are mums and 54% with relatives. The study also showed that when parents gave themselves and their friends a score, rating how good they thought they were as parents, on average they would rate their friends as being better.

With the rise of celebrity culture, there has been concern that celebrities have an influence on how mums feel about issues such as their weight or lifestyle, so it is encouraging that this study suggests when looking at parenting, for most mums, the images they see on TV and stories they read in magazines aren’t often used as an opportunity for direct comparison. Only 6% said they compared themselves with celebrity mums.

Honesty

Around a third of those surveyed said they were less than truthful on some issues when talking to other mums. Although in some cases this was around the boundaries being set for children and the ability to give them time, it was more often about how mums were coping with the stresses they face. 27% of all those surveyed said they weren’t truthful about how they were managing financially, a third said they weren’t truthful about how they were coping more generally.

“There is one mum I know who seems perfect from the outside, but when I talk to her, I find she has difficulties too. Still I can't help comparing myself to her and I always seem to find myself wanting. Maybe if I wasn't so tired all the time I could be a more hands on, baking, painting, gluing mum...”

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The role of depression

It is well known that for those who suffer from depression, their illness can affect their ability to parent and 23% of those surveyed thought that illness had affected them in this way. Not only did this group identify the problem as a barrier, but many also gave themselves a lower than average rating when asked to score their parenting, showing a tangible impact in the form of lower self-esteem.

Analysis of the results showed that mental health was identified as a more common problem amongst those who were either stay-at home mums or unemployed and looking for work, where 31% said it was an issue. For those in work, the rate was 20%. One explanation may be that some people stopped working because they were unwell, whereas others had perhaps chosen to stay at home, but found themselves isolated and struggling with the significant change in their lives, and later on became unwell.

Impact of income

Analysis of the effect of the family’s level of income on answers to questions about parenting showed some interesting trends.

First, those on lower incomes were slightly less likely to compare themselves with other mothers. Of those earning under £15,000, 86% said they made comparisons, compared with 94% of those earning £50-60,000, and in fact, only 62% would compare themselves with their own mum-friends, compared with 83% in the higher income bracket.

The different pressures became evident when looking at what had got in the way of being a good parent, with two thirds of those on lowest incomes saying financial pressures were an issue, compared with one third on the higher incomes, and work-life balance more likely to affect those who are on higher incomes. Relationship problems and depression were also more likely to get in the way for those on the lowest incomes.

Although a family’s financial situation can create different pressures, it was both interesting and encouraging to see that the way in which respondents rated their own parenting did not vary between income groups. On average, those on the lowest incomes have exactly the same views of how well they are parenting as those on higher incomes

When looking in more detail, there was also no difference in the use of computer games, TVs, our attitudes to bedtimes and consumption of fast food or ready meals.

There was a difference in the amount of time individuals had available to spend with their children, with those who are earning higher incomes not surprisingly saying that occasionally they have less time to play with the children and find that work gets in the way.

‘‘I feel guilty when I see other children being taken to soft play areas, cinema, theatre and other nice but expensive places and I can not afford to take my child there”

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Being ‘good enough’, and wanting to be better.

This survey showed that while most consider that there aren’t ‘perfect parents’, many still feel that others appear to be doing a better job of parenting than they are. While some parents talked of the importance of accepting their limits and being happy with being ‘good enough’, others were feeling the pressure to be the best parent possible.

While 64% said they were doing a pretty good job, a third (34%) said they sometimes felt that everyone around them was better.

In this survey, 87% identified that there was further support that could help them. This suggests that even most of those who felt they were doing a pretty good job were striving to try to do even better for their children, and so were looking for additional knowledge or help.

The most popular suggestion (45% of all those surveyed) was that more knowledge on how to deal with children’s behaviour would make a difference. This was also picked up in comments, with a number of mums praising parenting classes they had attended, and others asking for them.

Being able to talk honestly about concerns and the opportunity to make new friends were also rated highly, with over a third saying these would be helpful. A fifth (21%) of those surveyed were looking for specific advice and 14% said they’d like to be able to talk to someone anonymously. Those who were looking for this type of more targeted and confidential help often had additional pressures from being on a low income, being single or suffering with depression.

In the words of mums

920 mums gave a comment on the survey which provides a catalogue of opinions that make interesting reading. A sample of 162 were sifted into themes and are included at the end of this report.

In summary, they show that many parents believe that while there is no such thing as a perfect parent, many do feel under pressure and can feel that others might be too quick to be judgemental. There was agreement that parenting is hard work, and for some, lack of money, family nearby or friends were identified as issues.

A large number talked about the support that had helped them or the support that was lacking – in some cases for specific issues around mental health or special needs and disability. A high proportion talked about health visitors and parenting classes.

‘Being 'good enough' is a great start to being a great parent!’

“There is so much pressure to be the perfect mummy that being perfect becomes the goal and even when ur damn near it, it never feels good enough”

‘‘I have done some parenting courses through my local surestart…

I think all mums and dads should be offered these courses they are like driving lessons, you wouldn’t drive a car until you had learnt to drive would you?”

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The Real Parenting Revolution

This short survey has taken a sideways look at parenting. Most policy work looks at the needs of parents and the support that they get, often without considering how more fundamental attitudes and feelings can influence parents. This new work has just scratched the surface, but it has identified the importance of tackling some of these societal issues head-on.

Netmums’ Real Parenting Revolution will encourage new approaches that can be used by mums and dads across the country to make their lives more enjoyable, and to improve their relationships with their children. It is hoped that other organisations and businesses will also take up the campaign to explore what additional benefits can be achieved in other areas relevant to parents’ lives.

In summary, the survey shows that mums have a tendency to compare themselves with their friends and family members, and many feel they are putting themselves under pressure as a result.

Netmums concludes: Be good enough, not perfect

Parents can try to protect their self-esteem by valuing themselves as ‘good enough’, and by practising avoiding unhelpful comparisons with those around them. Accepting ourselves as we are is important not only to our own wellbeing, but to our children’s

Parents who feel that they are not coping very well, or are behaving in a way that they think others might frown on, understandably prefer to keep their concerns hidden from public view. At the same time, being able to talk openly about experiences and emotional responses allows the mind to work through and resolve issues and on occasions to assess whether additional professional help might be valuable.

Netmums concludes: Be honest

Parents need both friends to provide emotional support and the opportunity to talk about the things that are causing stress without being worried about being judged.

Being a mum or dad is undoubtedly hard work, and while experiences vary, 8 out of 10 said that aspects of their lives, such as income, housing and relationships were making it harder.

Netmums concludes: Seek advice

At some point many parents will also need help in finding practical solutions to problems that seem insurmountable. It is not a sign of failure to look for that support.

This survey has been published to give some context to Netmums Real Parenting Revolution.

See the campaign in action at www.netmums.com/realparenting

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The findings in more detail

The survey was put online on Netmums from 2nd – 19th December 2010 and 4750 parents responded and 920 also provided comments. Most of those surveyed had either one or two children, and there was a spread in age, with 12% being under 25 and a further 12% aged 41-45.

1. Do you ever compare yourself to other mums?

Answer Options Response Percent

Response Count

Yes - all the time 19.3% 910 Yes - sometimes 72.3% 3411 No 8.4% 396

answered question 4717

Most women admitted they compare themselves to other mothers at least some of the time, with only 8% saying they didn't do it.

2. Who do you compare yourself to most as a mum?


Response Count

Celebrity mums 5.9% 272 My friends who are mums 74.7% 3443 Other mums at nursery/school/activities 48.8% 2248 My own mother 44.1% 2031 My grandmother 6.5% 298 Other mums in my family (sisters, aunts etc.) 30.4% 1399 My mother-in-law 10.5% 485 TV mums – from soaps, films and so on 5.0% 231


Most women compared themselves with the mums that they are most in contact with on a day to day basis, with three quarters of those who made comparisons saying they compared themselves with their mum-friends and 49% with other mothers they met. It is likely to be these people who are most influential on how they perceive themselves. Close family are also very relevant to many mums with analysis showing that 54% saying they compared themselves with one or more family members.

3. Thinking about other mums you know, how good, generally speaking, do you think they are as parents (1 being bad, 10 being perfect)

Answer Options

1 -Bad Parents 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

10 - Perfect Parents

1 1 15 50 305 438 1559 1825 418 103

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Most people suggested scores of between 5 and 9, with the average rating being 7.36.

On a scale of 1-10 (1 being bad, 10 being perfect), how good a parent do you think you are?

Answer Options

1 -Bad Parent 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

10 - Perfect Parent

0 9 44 125 396 611 1562 1486 383 50

When asking people to rate themselves, the distribution of scores was very similar, but there was a difference in the way in which parents perceived other mothers with a tendency to consider that others were better parents. When looking in detail it turned out that 24% of those surveyed had given others a higher mark than they had given themselves and the average rating was lower at 7.09.

4. Do you ever present a less-than-truthful image to other mums about how you are doing as a mum?


Response Count

Yes I sometimes make out I am doing better than I am 27.2% 1284

I regularly act the part of being a great mum when I know I am not 4.5% 214

No I am very honest about things I find difficult 68.2% 3220 answered question 4718

Around two thirds (68%) of respondents said they were very honest, with about a third admitted to being less open.

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othermums

myself

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5. If you aren't always completely truthful with other mums, what sort of things might that be about?


Response Count

TV watched 23.4% 644 Food you give them 17.7% 487 Time they go to bed 11.1% 305 Time on computer games 8.3% 228 Time you playing with children 20.6% 566 Amount you drink 4.8% 133 Sex life 13.6% 375 Time with partner 15.4% 425 Coping financially 46.0% 1265 Coping generally 62.9% 1585


Although two thirds of respondents said they were honest about the difficulties that they face, many did go on to identify the types of issues they might not be completely truthful about. It may be that most mums feel they can talk about concerns with close friends and family, but they will still be less than truthful with others they meet, but in fact, the issues that people are most likely to be less than truthful about relates to the stresses they are feeling and how they are managing those, rather than about specific aspects of parenting. So around one in five (or one in 10 of all those surveyed) would be less than truthful about how much TV our children watch, the food we give them, or the amount of time we spend playing with them, whereas three out of five (or a third of all those surveyed) would not talk about how they are coping generally.

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6. Thinking about the other mums you know, do you think they REGULARLY do any of the following?


Response Count

Let their children watch more TV than is recommended 70.3% 3010

Feed them ready meals or processed/fast food 63.8% 2732 Let their children stay up past their bedtime 56.3% 2413 Let their children play too many computer games 41.4% 1772 Tell their children they are too busy to play with them 41.2% 1765

Let their work get in the way of their time with her children 37.5% 1605

Drink alcohol 42.7% 1828 answered question 4284

It seems that in reality, there’s not too much point covering up on issues around parenting, as many mums already expect their peers to be regularly allowing their children to be watching more TV than is recommended (70%), feeding them ready meals (64%) and staying up past their bedtime (56%).

7. Which of the following statements do you agree with?


Response Count

All things considered I think I’m a pretty good mum 64.2% 3026 I wish I could be a better mum 38.2% 1799 I am a perfect parent 0.4% 19 It’s impossible to be a perfect parent 64.1% 3023 I know my child thinks I’m a good parent and that’s the main thing 43.2% 2035

Sometimes I feel that us mums should be more honest with each other about how tough being a parent can be

45.6% 2148

I sometimes feel guilty about not being able to be the perfect parent 41.0% 1933

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Feedthemready

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Stayuppast

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Sometimes it feels like everyone around me is doing a better job of being a mum than I am 34.4% 1624


8. Have you found any of the following have got in the way of being able to be a good parent?


Response Count

Percent of all surveyed

Debt or financial pressures 51.3% 2034 43% Your housing situation 17.3% 687 14% Your relationship with your partner 29.9% 1188 25% Your work/life balance 42.7% 1692 36% Having no family living near 41.7% 1654 35% Depression or mental illness 27.6% 1095 23%


84% of mums had found one or more problems had got in the way of being a better parent.

The biggest issue was debt or financial pressures, affecting 43% of all those surveyed. Work-life balance and having no family nearby were pressures affecting over a third of families. Around a quarter were affected by depression and another quarter by stresses over their relationships. Finally 14% were affected by their housing situation.

In most cases the issues they raised had not significantly affected how they rated themselves as parents. However, when the problems tipped over into affecting a mother’s mental health, an effect was seen with those who had suffered with depression having a lower average score of 6.57, compared with an average rating of 7.24 by other respondents. Over half (54%) also said that ‘it feels like everyone else is doing a better job than me’, compared with 29% for the rest of respondents.

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9. What do you feel might help you to be a better parent?


Response Count

Percent of all surveyed

Talking honestly to other mums about the issues we face 40.6% 1686 35%

Having someone to talk to anonymously (on phone or internet) 16.5% 684 14%

Having more/better friends 41.3% 1717 36% Having someone to give me specific advice on difficulties (such as relationship/housing/health etc) 24.2% 1005 21%

Having more knowledge of how to deal with children's behaviour 52.0% 2160 45%


Of all those who completed the survey, 87% identified at least one of the options as being helpful in their wish to be better parents. Of all the mums surveyed, 45% said having more knowledge of how to deal with their children’s behaviour would be beneficial. Having close friends and the opportunity to talk honestly were also rated highly, with over a third saying these would be helpful. A fifth (21%) of those responding were looking for specific advice and 14% said they’d like to be able to talk to someone anonymously.

10. Can you tell us about your relationship status?


Response Count

I'm married or living with my partner 88.8% 4174 I'm single 7.8% 366 I have a partner but we don't live together 3.4% 159


Most respondents were married or living with their partner, with around 11% single or not living together. Those who were single had the same feelings as others in the way they compared themselves with other parents, but there was a difference in the type of support they were looking for with a greater proportion (39%) feeling that specific advice on matters (such as housing, health and relationships) would be helpful and 20% saying that having the opportunity to talk to someone anonymously would also help.

11. Do you work at the moment?


Response Count

I work full time 14.7% 690 I work part time 38.3% 1803 I'm a stay at home mum 32.0% 1508 I'm unemployed and looking for work 3.5% 166 I'm on maternity leave 11.5% 542


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53% of respondents were currently working with a further 12% on maternity leave. Although working had no impact on how those surveyed rated their parenting overall, work-life balance was identified as a barrier by many, with 58% of those working saying it was an issue for them. Working didn’t particularly relieve the debt or financial pressures, with 49% of those working still saying it was an issue (compared with 52% of all those surveyed).

12. What is your family income?


Response Count

Under £15,000 16.2% 724 £15,001 - £20,000 10.5% 469 £20,001 - £25,000 9.7% 432 £25,001 - £30,000 11.4% 508 £30,001 - £40,000 18.0% 804 £40,001 - £50,000 14.3% 637 £50,001 - £60,000 8.9% 399 over £60,000 11.1% 495


Respondents had a range of family incomes with 27% having an income of less than £20,000 per annum.

Under £15,000

£15,001 - £20,000

£20,001 - £25,000

£25,001 - £30,000

£30,001 - £40,000

£40,001 - £50,000

£50,001 - £60,000

over £60,000

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The words of mums

Respondents to the survey provided 920 comments on their more general thoughts and a random sample of 162 of these were categorised into the following themes:

Perfect parents 16 comments

Pressure 11

Role of the media 7

Being judged by others and not judging yourself 20

Confidence 7

Parenting being hard work 21

Special needs and disability 7

Extended families 8

Lack of money 13

Friends 10

Mental health 8

Support: what has helped and gaps 34

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Perfect parents 1. there is no such thing as a perfect parent and if anyone thinks someone else is then they dont know

them well enough :)

2. no one is perfect, there is no such thing as the "perfect parent" as long as your children love and respect you and you have support from partner or family you will do just fine, mums dont get the credit they deserve, being a mum is the hardest job anyone can do but it is the most rewarding job ever! and no amount of money is worth the love you get from your children x

3. I think people need to let go of this "perfect parent" farce. Nobody is a perfect parent. Its not fair that people judge on every little thing we do, everybody makes mistakes... The sooner we drop the perfect parent act, the sooner people can be honest and open about their problems.

4. I think that everyone can be a great parent, a child needs to feel safe, loved and cared for, which should be every parents priority. At the end of the day the perfect parent doesn't exist, as nothing in this world is perfect :)

5. A perfect parent is just a parent who does the best they can for their child.

6. There is no such thing as a 'perfect' parent. There are so many different ways of raising children and you can only really know if you've done a good job until they are adults themselves. All you can do is try your best and love your children. Sometimes you have to make difficult decisions that make you feel like a bad parent (e.g. sleep training/controlled crying) but you have to know that this is the best for them in the long run. If they turn out ok in the end, you've done a good job.

7. it's hard to be perfect

8. I don't think there is any such thing as a perfect parent, as long as mums are doing their best that's all that matters and all mums want to do their best for their children. The children praise celebrities for being good parents and the media presents them as good parents. Celebrity mums are working mums, how much quality time do they really spend with their kids?

9. Children do not need perfect parents. I think its healthy for kids to realise that no one is perfect, but their Mums love them and always have their best interests at heart

10. no one can ever be the "perfect" mum, everyone will always have an opinion on how someone else is parenting.

11. Nobody can be a perfect parent but I will try my hardest and I think other mums would do to to do there best at being as close to one as possible!

12. We should always strive to be great parents as it is THE biggest influence on behaviour of the child.

13. People pretending to be perfect and having the perfect children. People should be more honest about how hard it can be sometimes and share tips on how to make certain things easier.

14. No one to me is a perfect parent because how do you define that. Each child and family has a different set of personalities and needs and it is about meeting the needs of your child/children. I think to be a 'perfect parent'' in how I understand the meaning would inevitably giev your child an unrealistic et of goals and values - never making mistakes. A bit of variety is needed in everyone life and I wouldn't want my child brought up in a rigid fashion. Boundaries and rules however are esential but are there to be bent. I am guilty of suffering with depresion and sometimes feel inadequate as a parent and like I let my little one down. But I am an individual as is she and cannot base our lives and relationship on others.

15. I think it would be better if there was not so much focus on this perfect image! There is no such thing as perfect parent or human for that matter! There needs to stop being so much mixed messages in

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the press eg if youâ€™re a fat when your pregnant then you are making your child stupid! They can link anything to anything they want they should spend more time trying to cure cancer or putting money in NHS rather than scrutinising parents and mothers! And mothers need to stop being so competitive! Who care whose child did this first or that first or better they are all children and all this teaches them is we should compare ourselves to others! And they have to stop forcing pictures of these celebrity mums on us! They all have nannyâ€™s and cleaners and can afford a personal trainer or cosmetic surgery! Iâ€™d much rather see my newborn than my feet or a flat tummy! There needs to me more focus on simple things in life! Every mummy who loves their child and puts food and the table and a smile on a Childs face is doing a good job if you ask me! Mums need to stop judging each other and leave each to their own that would also help a lot!

16. I think I am a good mum but not perfect, how could anybody ever be? What one persons idea of perfection certainly isn't everybody's. As long as you do the best you can with what you have, how can anybody ask for more. although it's easy for me to say this as I have a very lucky llife, supportive husband and family, even the in-laws, lovely home, lovely friends, maybe not enough money but I think that is a good thing, I don't like spoilt people or children, my husband works away from home during the week and that can be hard but I wouldn't change anything.

CommentsonPressure

1. Not having to much presher on us to be the best.

2. I think some women are very dishonest about how difficult they find being a parent. Usually the ladies who try to project and image of being perfect are working full time. Maybe their guilt makes them feel they have to create this image. Or maybe they just cope better than I do!

3. There is so much pressure on women full stop - but the period between birth and the first year just knocks you for six in every way. There should definitely be more dialogue about, and support for, women during this time. It can be really isolating if you go to activites but no-one has time or is honest about discussing what is going on in their heads and lives!

4. Sometimes the wider family has a negative impact without meaning to. The grandparents recently mentioned they'd spotted one of our boys school shoes needed replacing as though new in September, he'd worn them out. It took a lot of effort on my part to see it as an offer of help and a wish to support us when they said they'd like to buy him some new ones with our agreement. And it was a big help, but I couldn't help beating myself with the mummy-guilt stick and wondering if they thought I couldn't cope. I wonder how often other mums and dads find themselves turning down help they need to save face?

5. I think there is too much pressure on mums to be perfect. I find it hard to keep on top of the housework and feel as if all the other mums I know from school keep their house spotless how do they do it?

6. I find it really difficult for mums today in this pressurised environment.

7. Theres alot of pressure on mums to not let kids watch t.v, for them to have perfect houses, look great, cook up great dinners but its not always possible, mums are only human after all. The pressures always fall on the mum not the dad.

8. Logically I know the older generation are only better at household and child-related things because they've had more practice but it still feels like I'm not doing as good a job as they did sometimes.

9. Its all a juggling act - whatever your situation - family pressures can take your time (elderly parents), work pressures (having to work away from home), family dynamics (parents not living close by), financial constraints (guilt of having to work at all when children quite young, which parents didn't always have to do), having children later in life can cause problems with adjustment to the work/life

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balance issues, and just trying to do the best you can with what you've got, being accepting of your socio-economic situation, not trying to 'have it all' but getting fulfillment from the job before they're all grown up and it's too late - don't want regrets!

10. I think there is too much pressure on mums to be perfect in all areas and it causes more harm than good to our mental health

11. Too much pressure and expectations for parents

Comments on the role of the media 1. Not seeing supposedly 'perfect parent' portrayed on TV and in magazines. In reality it's not like that.

2. Generally the media put too much pressure on mums to look and feel good all the time. We are all just doing the best we can.

3. Having less pressure from media and society about having to be an all singing, dancing parent!

4. The media certainly tries to portray the image of 'perfect parents' especially using celebs and soaps/TV Series. I often wonder whether people are just like me behind closed doors and whether I am really as bad a parent as I think I am or whether everyone gets cross and shouts/loses their temper sometimes!?

5. Think celebrity Mums give a false impression as they all have at least 1 nanny!

6. the media make parents feel guilty, the media definitely needs to portray more real situations such as full-time working mums and work - life balance

Comments on being judged by others and not judging yourself

1. Being 'good enough' is a great start to being a great parent!

2. If only other parents didn't come across as so judgemental! It is only with my third child that I have found my new friends supportive and understanding and not at all competitive

3. Every child is different, every parent is different & everyday is different. If you make the very most of everything you have & don't beat yourself up about what you don't have, you are on your way to being the best parent for your children:-)

4. There seems to be a real taboo about admitting that parenting is difficult and yet, this gas no bearing on your love for your children. Guilt is a horrible feeling and women should be more supportive of each other by being honest.

5. We all make mistakes but who doesn't! I always try my absolute best for my children and sometimes do come down hard on myself when things go wrong. Do try now to look at the bigger picture.

6. I really feel we as mums have a hard enough job as it is weather we work or sah, bf or ff etc and should help and support each other rather than competing.

7. To care less about how other see you as a parent and a person.

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8. I try to be the best Mum that i can be and do the best by my girls.Not always possible ,but thats ok .Its a good lesson for my girls to learn that everything isnt always perfect.Showing Respect and acceptance of differences will go a long way.I learn from others and always look for new ideas...

9. I don't think I ever am happy about being a great mum. I always feel I could do better. However I look around and see that I do a lot with my children although they probably play a bit too much on the ds, it is limited and they have lots of other interests. they are bright and happy and I should not be so hard on myself I guess.

10. I am my own worst enimy , I wish I could be proud and happy that my beautiful daughter is a happy , bright , chatty and confident child - because at least I must be doing something right! If only I could beleve it . There is so much pressure to be the perfect mummy that being perfect becomes the goal and even when ur damn near it , it never feels good enough. I would love to find peace within myself to say "u no what I'm a really lovely mummy" maybe it will become my new years resolution. !!!

11. Im 44 & my son will be 4 in march.I do have older children in their 20's & dont live at home.I find im much calmer now as a parent now. My son does not get spoilt & only has things like sweets or some toys as treats.Where as before,i would give my kids anything to keep them quiet.Now i deal with bad behavour in a different way.So us older mums with young kids are ok & other people should not look down on us which i find some people do.

12. its about not beating yourself up when you feel as though you are not being the best parent you want to be because of work/life pressures, but keeping it a happy and loving environment and doing your best when you can

13. Having my baby is the best thing that ever happened to me and I will always do my very best for him. Sometimes this means looking after myself at his short term expense eg letting him watch 1/2 hour of cbeebies if my asthma is bad. As a single Mum, with no family closeby I do think I have it a lot tougher than my Mummy friends but I think they find me refreshing as Im honest about how things are rather than striving to be the perfect yummy mummy this has helped some of them relax, feel not so alone have a laugh and just accept being "good enough parents"

14. I have found living away from relatives very hard, no one to help when kids are ill or just to look after one child while I take the other one to the doctor etc. We are not able to move nearer to parents due to husbands work and also my husband really does not want to live in the village I grew up in and he finds it too small. My biggest issue is anger management, I am such a good mum then suddenly it all builds up and I end up shouting and yelling at them only to regret in a few minutes later. The main reason I get angry is if I think there behavior r actions will show me up in public, I feel judged. Worst of all a friend was telling me that she does not enocurage her daughter to be friends with another girl in the class as she sees her as a bad influence, I am really worried that if people see my daugher mis-behaving they will say the same about her so I feel reallu under pressure to keep her bahavior in check on the school run etc and if she does mis-behave I get really cross with her once we get home. Sometimes our kis behvaior is not a direct reflection of our parenting, I have tried so hard with my eldest (almost 5) but I am now seeing that the child personality has a hugh impact too and it's really hard when you see people who have easy going kids, judging me cause my daughter is far from easy going. I think my daughter may have sensory processing difficulties that effects her bahavior, but as she is bright and able to read and write no-one seems willing to look into this further. My daughter was also born with a protwine stain birth mark, and again no support or advice was given - this was really hard as no-one ever honestly said what a cute baby she was - they would look at her and comment almost immediately on the birth mark. I had to fight really hard to get treatment for this as our PCT would not fund it, but eventually they agreed and now she has been treated at Alderhey with amazing results - I think the stress of fighting battles like this with a newborn is something us mums can do without.

15. There is one mum I know who seems perfect from the outside, but when I talk to her, I find she has difficulties too. Still I can't help comparing myself to her and I always seem to find myself wanting. Maybe if I wasn't so tired all the time I could be a more hands on, baking, painting, gluing mum...

16. I sometimes feel embarrassed when I see other children listening to their mum when told to do or

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not do something and my little one ignores me completely. It feels like I'm not getting the balance right between teaching them to be obedient without being too strict or too lenient. I wish there was somewhere for mums to discuss these issues because I've found that once one mum admits to feeling a certain way, others feel more encouraged to open up and be honest about how they feel.

17. i probably think they are doing better than me, but it could all be an act

18. I think you should parent your child in a way that suits your family. There shouldnt be people trying to do it 'text book' way as everyones situation is different.

19. i think its important as a parent and mum to understand that you cant be supermum and things take time to do, i always have half finished jobs done around the house and now after my second baby i realise its not a failure to not complete everything as we did before. its a tough but rewarding job and sometimes help is needed.

20. I think a lot of my friends cover up their feelings about parenting until after any tricky situations have passed because they think they will be judged. Months later they admit that their child wasn't the good eater, sleeper etc that they always seemed to suggest they were at the time.

Comments on confidence 1. I know I lack confidence in my parenting role, but don't know where to go for help!

2. I find it hard to know how to play with my child.

3. At the moment I really wish I had someone who I could confide in that would not judge me or think I am a failure. I often feel isolated and alone

4. I struggle on my own with my sons behaviour and worry how it will look to other mums who's children seem well behaved.

5. I feel very underconfident as a mom, mainly because I want my children to have a better childhood than I have. But I also don't have the example to follow. I want to be that elusive perfectparent that doesn't exist. We fight so many problems, it seems unfair. I'm very isolated. My HV always comments on how well my children are doing and that I'm a good parent. But it's hard to believe when you're so underconfident. As for other mothers and groups, I generally find them uncomfortable, competitive and bitchy :-(

6. I think because I am an older mum, I am more confident in my ability to be a good parent and trust my choices. Age brings wisdom! I strongly believe more mums should be stay at home mums too if possible.

7. When I first had my son I felt that everyone knew better than me and that everyone was watching me and judging my actions.I felt I had to justify everything and felt devastated if somone volunteered advice. It made me feel that I had totally messed up. Now, I feel much more confident about what I am doing and I think that other people probably recognise I am doing my best. Although they may not always agree with my choices, decisions or style, I believe most time would probably rate me as a good mum and can see my intentions are good. Philip Larkin's poem 'This be the verse' is strangely reassuring- I can't be a perfect mum as I am in imperfect person, but I will try to do what I think is best. I repect that other people have different parenting styles and although I do choose to do things differently I do not disapprove of decisions just because they are different from mine. I don't think other people judge us half as much as we imagine. We should have more confidence in our own decisions and accept that we won't always get it right- and that's ok! Sometimes it is necessary to dump the kids in front of the TV or buy them McDonalds or formula feed or ... but what does upset me is when parents do not acknowledge that it would be better to do otherwise. I think that sometimes we find it easier to lower our expectations of ourselves and our children in order to

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defend our decisions. We often don't have the confidence to admit that we are imperfect. I really do think that this can have serious and far-reaching consequences. (Hmm...just realised how much I've written but not sure if anyone will actually read this bit. I'll get off my soap box as I've made a few points about what I believe in. It's a very interesting topic and one I'm very interested in. Further details available on request. Ha ha!)

Comments on parenting being hard work 1. being a mum is hard work, i have 4 under 6 and its tough going, i look up somemums with 1 child

and i think, they have it easy, then i look at other ladies who are trying to conceave and all my doubts are pushed aside, i realise who luck and blessed i am to have 4 amazing children...yes, its tough but i wouldnt swap it for the world!

2. being a perfect parent is impossible. Tiredness is my downfall, always tired and therefore less patient.

3. Although I don't necessarily feel that other people are better than me, I do sometimes feel that I could be a better parent. I shout at my children too much and feel that with 4 children, I do not give them each the individual attention they need/deserve

4. Sleep deprivation is also something that gets in the way of being the parent I want to be!! That and my daughter's rubbish behaviour.

5. Overall I'm quite happy with my childs development but because I'm so busy with other issues in my life I am not able to spend the time I'd like to with him, so the TV ends up going on.....I'd really like to cut this down and would love a plan on how I can achieve this. I can't afford childcare but if I could it would take the pressure off me and would give my son more variety. We do attend the usual toddler groups etc and keep busy almost every day with a different activity, its just too easy to fall into bad habits at home

6. Having more time for myself so I would be able to recharge batteries and have fresh and open mind.

7. my main issue is keeping on top of the house work - which can lead me to be quite stressed and sometimes not as patient as i would like to be. lack of space is a definate factor as is lack of money.

8. I have never smacked my daughter and don't intend to but feel in turning into one of those shouty mums that I used to frown at a yr-18mths ago and I hate it

9. being a full time single parent i often feel like i cannot give my son everything he needs and find myself upset despite people around me who say i'm doing fine. i took a gap year from university to spend more quality time with him and often wonder wether i made the right decision, would he be better off in nursey?

10. I am a single parent, I work 30 hours per week and I study part-time at University. As a Mum, I sometimes struggle with raising my three year old child. Parenting is extremely difficult.... and yet parents feel blamed and guilty if they are less than perfect...including me! Thankfully there is more support available for parents and hopefully the 'stigma' of being a single parent is becoming less of a problem/barrier. I've read the theory/books...and I've watched the Nanny 911/Supernanny programmes... but when it comes down to the reality of toddler tantrums ...well then surely everyone gets frazzled sometimes?

11. more time!

12. Sometimes having enough time to do the things that I would like to be a better parent. e.g on non working days doing household chores. Also, I would like to be able to cook more healthy nutritional

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meals.

13. being a parent is the best thing i have ever done, the hardest but most definatly the most rewarding i feel that my children are my strenght and even when having a bad day/moment i look at them and smile.

14. I have many many thoughts on this issue! I think raising children is wonderful and rewarding but also extremely difficult at times and that is the paradox!

15. It's not easy being a mum, When my children were younger I found it alot harder but as they grow up it does get easier but even now I still forget I'm me and not just a mum .

16. I found being a parent a lot harder than I was expecting before children, specially as they grow as I feel there is a lot of info and help when they are babies but not as much for 3+

17. Being a lone parent a little rest bite wouldn't go a miss

18. I never realised how tough it would be.

19. Sometimes, with two under 3 year olds its just so hard to get the motivation to do things with them- i often end up on netmums and stick cbeebies on for them and get some toys out for them to play with. i feel like rubish when i do it- but i dont always have the motivation, energy and ideas to do much else. if we go out it often ends up a mess and i get stressed out if one of them plays up. i sometimes feel it would be so much easier if there was just one of them. i know that sounds awful and i wouldnt change them for the world but its so hard to balance two of them that i often feel like giving up- thats why they end up watching so much tv. if i try and do craft with the eldest, the youngest ends up covered in glue and eating sequins. if i try and play with my littlest in a ball pit- my eldest gets bored and tetchy and starts playing up. i feed them all the right things, i know how to discipline, they have good routines- its just when my husbands at work- i struggle to keep them both entertained. it really gets me down to be honest. i'd love to have some more help to spend quality time with them individually but im afriad to ask for help...

20. Working full time and having a child is hard and |I think it will get harder when scholl comes since we have a very very flexible nursery at the moment. Its is difficult since all schools do not appear to have set up breakfast and after school clubs.

21. I hear/read excuses all the time from people blaming the rubbish life they have had as an excuse for the way they live their lives and treat their own families. I had a crap childhood and saw things a child should never see and do you know what? It made me determined to live my life differently and to ensure my kids had a memorable and happy childhood. The way i see it is, the most valuable things you can give to your child are not monetary. What children value most is your love and your time. What you put in while your child is young is what shapes them as a person and sets them up for their life ahead. Kids are sponges, they absorb everything around them. Spend time with your kids, you will be amazed what good company they can be and what amazing little people they are becoming as they grow. I'm not the perfect parent, i don't believe anyone is but i will never have any regrets that i didn't give them my time and that they didn't know just how much they are loved. :-) That's it, rant over! lol

Comments on special needs and disability 1. my son has asd and i often think its my fault he has it

2. My little boy is difficult to cope with as he may have some firm If learning difficulties and has obsessive behaviour traits that I find hard to cope with some times and it's hard to get the dr to believe me.

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3. Am mum of three children with special needs, two with complex needs - that is the most difficult parenting ever.

4. My son is always classed as naughty when it's his Aspergers and ADHD. Parents dont understand this and are very quick to judge me as a bad mum. As I dont drive, the kids dont get invited to parties because they think I cant get there and as a single mum...well..how long have you got?

5. my daughter has severe eczema and many food and environmental allergies..almost every person i know who does not have this to cope with does not understand what we all go through and sometimes they pretend to understand and just nodd..but really they have no idea..even when you try to explain..it does get lonely and i would like to know more parents who go through the same things as we do as well as ones who do not.

6. more help re children that have disabilities

7. I feel inadequate because my son is the only one in his class that still hasn't grasped reading and I don't know whether I am to blame or whether it is because of his communication difficulties. I also wish I could get him to eat better, but he'd rather starve than eat good quality homecooked meals. We've tried the approach he'll eat better when he's hungry, but he doesn't he'd rather not eat at all for days which makes me feel even worse.

Comments on extended families 1. i dont have my parents or partners parents around so only have friends advice and help , can be

difficult, as i have physical disabilties and depression.

2. Would love to have more family around. The saying 'it takes a village to raise a child' is soooo true!

3. I think having a supportive family around makes a huge difference to how you are as a parent.

4. I think having family nearby (close enough for daily visits) would enable most people to be excellent parents. I hate it when I sometimes shout and I know I am always calm when I have an extra pair of hands around. Sadly, I suspect that most people these days live well in excess of 10 miles from any family - in fact, probably more than 300 miles for many.

5. Have come to conclusion that it is easier to be a single parent living close to family and close friends than to be a married SAHM and have no real support network.

6. its hard not having family around, there needs to be a chat room for kids of different ages

7. having family near by

8. I wish I had family around, it's difficult to bring up baby with just my husband and I.

Comments on lack of money 1. wish i had more money to give my child every thing

2. I feel bad when friends are buying their kids all they want for xmas and birthday and i cant aford to..

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3. There's too much emphasis on constantly taking your children to groups and activities and without money this is really hard to do with several children. I give all I have to my kids but wish I had more for them.

4. more money to be able to do more with them,wages go down and prices go up,bus fair is ridiculous then you have entry to places on top

5. Having a better work/life balance - and financial support in doing that from the government would help me.

6. Its impossible for mums to get back in the workplace with school holidays and lack of flexibility on employers behalf. I worked until I had my second child and now all I receive is child benefit which the government are going to take away from me in 2012-that money we are so dependent on when we need to fix something that has unexpectantly gone wrong or having a difficult month-it makes me so mad when I have put so much in for years and am getting nothing back unlike some people who get it all handed on a plate despite never putting anything in-thanks very much David Cameron.

7. Being able to work part time without worrying about money so I could spend more time with my daughter even though myself and my husband work full time still not enough to live on!! Would also love to buy a property but again still dont earn enough!!

8. Due to financial reasons I had to return back to work when my son was 6 months old and he has been attending nursery ever since. I have always regretted not having more time with him as a baby, although it has not affected him as he is a very well adjusted and happy little boy. I still do not think the Government offer any assitance to mum's that work especially the ones who are doing it for genuine reasons and not playing the system!!!

9. money is the main issue..Ex husband has never paid a penny in the 7yrs since he walked out.. wish there was more support for parents like me,,

10. things cld b better if i won the lottery.lol

11. I wish we were financially secure enough for me to stay home with my child instead of returning to work part time, I feel so terribly guilty about returning to work and my son being left with a childminder, however good she is, I just feel he would develop better both emotionally and educationally being cared for by myself each day rather than switching days between myself, childminder & grandparents. I also believe a lot of mums make out how well they are coping with things and how perfect their child is, when we all know full well things are not always easy for any of us.

12. Think debt and other worries affect the children a lot and that is one of my main concerns as know i get stressed at times!! Also when your ill i have a bad back so sometimes find it difficult to play with ch as cant get down to their level

13. I feel guilty when I see other children being taken to soft play areas, cinema, theatre and other nice but expensive places and I can not afford to take my child there. It is really hard in the winter, as in the summer you can go to the park to play and have picnics etc...

Comments on friends 1. need some close mother friends

2. Best thing i ever did on becoming a parent for the first time was find a group of like minded mums to share experiences and talk to honestly. It has been incredibly supportive.

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3. Good friends are hard to find

4. I work full time and dont have any close friends with kids and any family nearby is elderly so I rely on out of school clubs and nursery for support. Find it very hard to make mum friends with kids same age as mine and are married. My kids friends disappear most weekends to their dads.

5. mums (especially stay-at-home mums) can often feel very isolated, more help should be available to encourage/enable mums to meet people in a similar situation

6. Just having more friends is a great help.When I do chat to other mums I find I am just the same as them and worrying about the same things.

7. As a single mum who fled due to domestic violence, i find it hard to find people who understand the hard things and dont stress about the little things.

8. I'm lucky that a lot of my friends had children around the same time as I did so we were each other's support when babies were little. Since children started school have made lots of friends through school PFA etc. and of course Netmums has been brilliant source of information. Without friends to talk to who are going through the same experiences at the same time I don't know how I would have coped

9. For me i have no family or friends. I have been to parent & baby groups but can never bond with other parents.

10. It is very hard to admit you find it so hard, so I just put a front on it and keep quiet. I feel ashamed I can't manage it all as well as others do.I have no one to tell how hard it is.

Comments on mental health 1. Wish there was more support for mental health support

2. I suffer with depression and often think i am not such a good mum.

3. Quite simply, I am depressed. On a good day, I do a passable job. On a bad day, I am a candidate for a visit from social services as all I do is shout at the kids to go away and leave me alone. It's not good.

4. I tried to be SUPERMUM and ended up having a breakdown. I had 2 kids under 6 and a highpowered stressful job I felt always guilty and as though I was failing. I was guilty when mum had the kids, guilty that when i was at work i was worried about the kids... it was awful. I snapped. That was 2 years ago.... now I have changed jobs and work term time only and its fantastic! I am a teaching assistant ( I went back to college) and do a job i love. I am home at 3.45 every day and have time to enjoy being a mum while my kids are still young. They are now 5 and 8. The work/life balance is so important and my children come first.

5. I have suffered from Post Natal Depression and I have got the feeling that some people frown upon it and it's seen as you not being a good mum, when infact statistics say that mum's with PND seem to try harder. It's just not talked about enough.

6. more openess about post-natal depression

7. Being a mum of twins I often feel out of the loop with other parents as activities seem to be for one child and not two. Ie: swimming - I need to have another person with me before I can take my boys swimming. Sometimes I feel quite isolated and lonely. I do want to make new friends and meet other people but sometimes it just a little difficult with twins.

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8. Understanding the anger that comes from being highly educated and finding oneself at home doing a part time cleaning job, because it 'fits in with the childrens' needs'.

Comments on support: what has helped and gaps 1. Everyone advises me to see a health visitor about some issues however i feel that my health visitors

dont help me any more than the internet does.

2. im a foster carer and we get lots and lots of training i think young mums could do with some of training

3. more supportive health visitors

4. Even though we have a health visitor, that is only until the children reach school age. after that it would be nice to have somebody that would be able to advise on everyday situations no matter how big or small. I can't ever see the government ever funding anything like this. I think having a good relationship with the child's teacher is very important.

5. Sure Start courses help a lot!

6. I found the internet really useful for finding out information - esp when it's late at night and too late to call a friend or it's something you don't want to discus with a friend. I've found netmums particualrly useful esp the anon option for sensitive issues. I try to be honest with my friends because it's not easy being a parent and it doesn't help anyone "putting on a show" early on in my parenting i did feel like everyone else was coping better than me and it helped just to chat and be open and honest with other mums - it's true about a problem shared.

7. I think netmums allows people to speak honestly and openly

8. I have just done a parenting course at my local church toddler group. Discussion with other mums really helped

9. parentline has been a godsend ,been able to understand my teenager

10. I have done some parenting courses through my local surestart and community mum/parenting centres in my area whilst my son was a baby. I feel that these have helped me understand my son, and my role in his life, and helped me cope with everyday situations which would have normally, had I not attended these small courses affected my ability to cope. Also I am currently on a course at College called "Caring for your child" I think all mums and dads should be offered these courses they are like driving lessons, you wouldnt drive a car until you had learnt to drive would you? I think parenting groups, and small first aid courses and college self help courses such as "mini mend" healthy eating for whole family are perfect to help boost confidence in any parent and help prepare them for life. I feel I offer my son a nice healthy balance in his life, he eats healthy, watches the recommended amount of tv, rarely eats processed food as i cook from fresh, gets regualar exercise in activities such as swimming lessons and we go park, and play groups on regular basis, and its all thanks to my surestart centre and healthy centres help and advice, and I ALSO GET A LOT OF ADVICE AND TIPS FROM "NETMUMS" would be lost without the website, its my lifeline for receipies, places to go, ideas for christmas etc.. so thankyou netmums x

11. local surestart centres run courses to help parents to be better parents. learning how to deal with bad behaviour, healthy eating, getting back to work etc....i find the support and help their made me realise that im actually doing a really good job, but no person is perfect and we all make mistakes, admitting to the mistakes is hard, but once you have someone can help you to put them right and

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move forward. (im now a trained childcare professional! giving advice to other parents)

12. Netmums has been there when I really needed to speak to someone who was non-judgmental-it is a fantastic help for so many parents

13. it would be nice if parenting classes were available for all, not just those on a low income. we all struggle regardless of income!

14. As I had lost my Mum before I had my daughter I found it very hard and with the in-laws living in Spain we had very few people to call on for advice and support. The 1st 3 months were the worst and health visitors said I may be likely to get PND, yet I got very little follow up support or the counselling that THEY advised I should have. To be honest I am now glad I cope dand didn't get PND and next time we have a child I wouldn't heitate in asking for help but Health Proffesionals need to follow up on their adivce and not just say 'we will sort some counselling' and then hear nothing from them. New 1st time Mums regardless of age need support, advice and to really understand that they have people that they can turn to. I didn't.

15. i suffer from mental illness yet i do not know any other mums in my position, its very lonely, i wish their where some groups for parents with mental health issues where i live.

16. I suffer from post natal depression but rarely talk to any friends about it as I am worried about what they may think of me. I am able to talk to my doctor but that's not the same.

17. There should be regular parenting courses to go on specific to a particular age group and they should be free of charge.

18. more peep groups more play at home groups more parenting groups

19. I think there should be more professional help available especially for mothers who are suffering/have suffered with post natal depression.

20. I recently did the PPP parenting course free and found it quite helpful dealing with problem behaviour in my youngest children.

21. it would be good to do a 'parent party' you know like a book party or chocolate party etc it would be good to combine those common interests such as things you can buy along with other local parents to discuss common child issues.

22. I have parenting courses in the past very succesful but they are not widely advertised and spaces are limited.

23. health visitors very poor difficult to get expert advice these days

24. The health visitors locally are useless, as they constantly advise looking on the internet, I now avoid them altoghter and go straight to my computer. Could do with better human contact!

25. I would like more help re positive parenting

26. more help from health visitor

27. I had post natal depression which wasn't diagnosed for a year after my daughters birth. More local services are needed to help mums through PND. I didn't tell friends about it because I didn't want to be judged or called a bad mum or have my daughter taken away from me because I was 'unstable'. There's still a lot of stigma around PND and depression in general. Mums don't help other mums though, as I hid how I was feeling from other mums and it was only when I said I'd been diagnosed with PND that other mums started disclosing what a hellish time they'd had too and how hard they found being a mum. We all act like swans on the surface, but are all actually furiously paddling away underneath just to try and keep afloat.

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28. I think the main thing parents worry about is discipline, how to, what everyone else does, are we doing it right.

29. Everyone tells you that you should breast feed but no one tells you how to stop. Still trying 2 years down the line.

30. in home help, like supernanny

31. Children should come with a lifetime handbook. It's presumed because we have more than one, that we know how to handle every situation. They are all different with different needs. Health visitors should be openly available for advice for longer than 5 years!

32. Antenatal classes that dont show parenthood as being easy...as its a full time job which can be stressful

33. I think adapting to a changing child, how to handle their ups and downs would be a benefit to new mums. Understanding that taking a step back and taking a deep breath can help and always sticking to your boundaries (making sure they are reasonable for the age of the child) so that a child knows what is classed as 'naughty' and what is not and to expect a response for all types of behaviour i.e. praise when good and time out step when behaviour has not been so good.

34. It's hard to get advice on behaviour unless it's extreme beyond babyhood. Things like answering back, what's reasonable to expect in terms of responding to requests and treats vs threats aren't really talked about.

peer pressure parenting - netmums · peer pressure parenting a sideways look at the pressures on...

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