murphy's fall_tv pilot
DESCRIPTION
An original screenplay by Brian Michael Martin.WGAW Registration #1748375TRANSCRIPT
MURPHY'S FALL
"Pilot"
by
Brian Michael Martin
4302 Duquesne Ave. WGAw Registered: 1748375Culver City, CA 90232C: 310-748-6693
Property of
Brian Martin
"If there’s more than one possible outcome to a job and one of those outcomes will result in disaster, someone will do it that way."
- Murphy's Law
"Anything that can go wrong, will."
- Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives
Property of
Brian Martin
COLD OPEN
JACQUES COUSTEAU (V.O.)“Infinity beckons humanity.”
FADE IN on old NASA footage of a ROCKET blasting into space.
JACQUES COUSTEAU (V.O.)“We, who hunger for companionship, reach to distant planets, searching for even a drop of water, the cosmic sign of life.”
The image cuts to a flyby over the moon as Jacques Cousteau narrates The Cousteau Odyssey.
JACQUES COUSTEAU (V.O.)“Our expeditions end in dryness, desolation, dust.”
END with a magnificent shot of Earth from space.
INT. GARY’S APARTMENT - WEST LA - EARLY MORNING
A clock radio blares to life (Men At Work’s “Down Under”). A hand shoots out and hits the snooze button. All goes BLACK.
Eight minutes later, the radio blares again. Long Island transplant GARY MURPHY, 37 for one more day and the same amount overweight, puts on his glasses and shuffles to the bathroom, grabbing a huge Atlas off his bookshelf on the way.
TILT UP to a wall calendar of the WOMEN OF HEADLINE NEWS, zooming in on the first Friday of June as the clock radio plays “Fake Empire” by The National over the OPENING CREDITS.
EXT./INT. MOBILE GPS TOUR OF LA & SAN FERNANDO VALLEY
From Gary’s apartment in West LA, we TRACK a MOBILE GPS map navigating deep into the valley until we land on...
VALENCIA - where MARK and his wife, SHERYL (30’s) each pull a crying six month old twin girl from a crib. TRACK again to...
BALDWIN HILLS - where UNCLE BILL and his wife, SANDY (African-American, 50’s) share the LA Times over breakfast. No eye contact necessary after a long marriage. TRACK again to...
RUNYON CANYON IN THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS - where RITA, a petite athletic blonde in her late 20’s, jogs up a trail, dodging dog shit land mines. TRACK again to...
Property of
Brian Martin
WEST HOLLYWOOD - DENNIS, early 30’s (gay?), feeds his three cats while wearing a facial peel with his hair pulled back in a headband. TRACK again to...
KOREATOWN - where DAWNA, a blind Korean woman in her 20’s, walks to the bus stop with the help of her seeing eye dog, HENRY. TRACK again to...
STARBUCKS COFFEE IN SHERMAN OAKS - where SUSAN, an overweight woman in her 40’s, sips a huge Venti Mint Mocha Chip Frappuccino with chocolate whipped cream. TRACK again to...
WESTWOOD - where signs on Wilshire Boulevard warn of delays due to construction on the new subway station in Beverly Hills. Gary pulls his Honda Civic into the Westwood Pool.
INT. WESTWOOD POOL
Wearing only a Speedo, Gary marches past geriatric lap swimmers into the middle of a children’s diving class, stopping only when he reaches the ladder to the one meter springboard now occupied by TOMMY, 9.
A DIVING INSTRUCTOR rolls her eyes.
DIVING INSTRUCTORMr. Murphy, please? You’re scaring the children.
Gary points at a clock on the wall.
GARYIt’s one minute after seven.
DIVING INSTRUCTORI can see that. But could you just -take your time, Tommy.
But Tommy rushes his dive and rolls too far, SMACKING his back on the water. Everyone winces except Gary, who is already up on the board.
While the crying boy is hoisted from the pool, Gary performs a FORWARD ONE-AND-A-HALF FLIP WITH A TWIST with a grace that belies his belly size. The TomTom GPS navigates one last time to Downtown Los Angeles.
EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES
The morning sun reflects off skyscrapers as Gary and his co-workers (Uncle Bill, Susan and Dennis in their respective cars, Mark on a train and Dawna on a bus) inch closer to Downtown Los Angeles.
MURPHY'S FALL - 2.
Property of
Brian Martin
INT. PARKING STRUCTURE
A PAKISTANI ATTENDANT tips his cap to Gary as he drives by.
INT. NY BAGEL
The BAGEL MAN, all body hair except for his bald head beneath a New York Mets cap, places a bag on the counter for Gary.
BAGEL MAN8:25 on the button! I could set my watch to this guy. How you doin’, handsome?
GARYGood, you?
Gary reaches for the bag, but Bagel Man pulls it away.
BAGEL MANAh, ah, ah. What’s the password?
Gary hates this part.
GARYLet’s go Mets.
BAGEL MANLouder!
GARYLet’s go Mets!
BAGEL MAN I still can’t hear you!
BAGEL MAN/GARY(in unison)LET’S GO METS!
INT. ELEVATOR - DOWNTOWN LA OFFICE BUILDING
Gary swipes his security badge for the 25th floor. The opening credits (minus the title card which appears at the end of the episode) and music end when the door opens to...
INT. BIG OFFICE
Gary is greeted by Dawna, BIG’s blind receptionist, with Henry by her side lapping up water from his bowl.
DAWNAOnion bagel. Happy Friday, Gary.
MURPHY'S FALL - 3.
Property of
Brian Martin
GARYMorning, Dawna. Henry.
Henry growls as Gary tries to sneak by.
DAWNAAnything I can smell, he can smell better.
GARYThat mutt of yours is like a friggin’ toll booth.
Gary heads for his cubicle, but not before tossing a big chunk of bagel to Henry, who gobbles it up in one bite.
GARY (cont’d)Hope you know the Canine Heimlich maneuver.
DAWNA No one says friggin’ anymore, Gary!
END OF COLD OPEN
MURPHY'S FALL - 4.
Property of
Brian Martin
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. BIG CONFERENCE ROOM
William “Uncle Bill” Sanderson, Assistant VP of BIG’s Claims Office, finishes up the weekly meeting. Gary stands out in his suit and tie from his casually dressed co-workers.
A marker board lists the local construction projects currently underwritten by BIG. The last one reads: METRO PURPLE LINE/RODEO DRIVE STATION - GARY.
UNCLE BILLMake it snappy, Murphy. I neglected to wear my Stadium Pal today. Oh, and happy casual Friday.
GARYSorry, Bill. I forgot.
UNCLE BILLAgain.
GARYWell, sans the gory details, the final tally for this week’s accidental death, dismemberment or any other kind of horrible disfigurement as a result of construction on the Metro line was...
Everyone simulates a DRUM ROLL, except for Susan.
GARY (cont’d)Zero. Zip. Zilch. De nada.
Dennis pumps his fist in a strange homage to Arsenio Hall.
DENNISWoof! Woof! That’s two weeks in a row, suckers! Just so everyone knows, your blood money will be going to a worthy cause. Me!
Rita tosses a ten on the table.
RITADon’t be an asshole, Dennis!Who the hell bets on a casualty-free week, anyway?! That’s like putting everything on double-zero!
MURPHY'S FALL - 5.
Property of
Brian Martin
Mark throws in his ten, followed by everyone except Susan.
MARKActually, the odds in roulette are 38 to 1 no matter which...
RITAShut it, Rain Man!
Dennis waves his wad of money toward Susan.
DENNISSee what you’re missing out on Susan? Sure you still don’t want to pay, I mean, play?
SUSANNo thanks, Dennis.
Everyone rises to leave.
UNCLE BILLOne more thing, people! Regarding next month’s picnic, we still haven’t heard diddly-doo from corporate in New York, so we may get that nice little family-only outing we’ve always dreamed of after all.
Everyone breathes a sigh of relief, mixed in with three high fives, two Hail Mary’s and one Praise Allah.
UNCLE BILL (cont’d)Let’s just keep our fingers cro...
The conference phone BEEPS. Uncle Bill pushes the speaker.
UNCLE BILL (cont’d)What is it, Dawna?
DAWNA (O.S.)It’s Rick from New York.
UNCLE BILLWe’re done here and I really need to make a pit stop, so...
DAWNA (O.S.)He wants to talk to everyone.
UNCLE BILLYou gotta be shitting me.
MURPHY'S FALL - 6.
Property of
Brian Martin
Rick’s thick, New York accent blares over the speaker phone.
RICK (O.S.)Who said that? Sanderson? That you?
UNCLE BILLHey, Rick! We were just finishing up in...
RICK (O.S.)Who won the casualty challenge this week?
DENNISI did, Rick!
RICK (O.S.)Who’s that?
DENNISDennis!
The speaker phone goes silent.
RICK (O.S.)Where’s Gare-bear? You there, buddy?
Everyone mouths “Gare-bear?” as Gary motions he’s not here.
RITAGare-bear’s right here! How are you, Rick?
Rita flirts shamelessly over the speaker phone.
RICK (O.S.)Who’s this?
Rita quickly loses her gusto.
RITAIt’s Rita. You remember? From the Christmas party?
RICK (O.S.)Yeah, yeah, sure. Where’s Murphy?
Uncle Bill’s pencil bounces off Gary’s head.
GARYSorry, Rick. I was in the bathroom.
MURPHY'S FALL - 7.
Property of
Brian Martin
RICK (O.S.)What’s the matter, Gare-bear? Cat got your bladder?
GARYThat’s hilarious, Rick.
Now a dry eraser bounces off his head.
RICK (O.S.) So? Did I miss it?
UNCLE BILLMiss what, Rick?
RICK (O.S.) Wait? No one knows? What kind of operation you running over there, Sanderson? It’s Gary’s birthday tomorrow.
GARYIt’s not his fault, Rick. I didn’t...
RICK (O.S.)Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you!
Everyone joins in as Gary buries his head in his hands.
RICK & BIGHappy Birthday, dear Gary (Gare-bear)! Happy Birthday to you!
GARYThanks, Rick.
RICK (O.S.)Forget about it.
UNCLE BILLWe done here, Rick?
RICK (O.S.)Yeah. That’s it.
Uncle Bill almost reaches the speaker button when...
RICK (O.S.) (cont’d)Oh, and one more thing, Sanderson. Let’s do that thing again. You know, before your little picnic.
MURPHY'S FALL - 8.
Property of
Brian Martin
Uncle Bill tries to calm the wave of silent protest.
UNCLE BILLAbout that, Rick. We were hoping to keep things simple this year. You know, spend some QT with the families.
(beat)The LA families.
The silence from the phone is deafening.
RICK (O.S.)Sure. That sounds good.
The table erupts with silent applause.
RICK (O.S.) (cont’d)But after we do that thing. You west coast wussies must be dying for a rematch.
UNCLE BILLActually...
RICKGreat! Work out the details with Phyl and I’ll see you next month. And, yo, Gare-bear? Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Know what I’m sayin’?
GARYNope.
The DIAL TONE fills the room like a funeral dirge.
INT. PHILIPPE THE ORIGINAL - DAY
Gary and Rita eat French Dip sandwiches at Philippe’s, the place of origin for the famed sandwich.
RITAPass the hot mustard, Gare-bear.
GARYCall me that again and I’ll squirt this in your eye.
RITA I bet you say that to all the girls. You haven’t told Uncle Bill about Rick’s offer yet, have you?
MURPHY'S FALL - 9.
Property of
Brian Martin
GARYI haven’t found the right time.
RITAWhat’s the hold up, Gary? Don’t you want to move back to New York?
GARYIt’s not that. My lease isn’t up until the end of August and I still need to get all my ducks in a row before...
RITAFuck the ducks, Gary! If you ask me, you’re just dragging your heels because you don’t really want to leave us.
GARYNo one asked. And believe me, there’s nothing keeping me here.
Dennis and Mark sit down to eat in mid-conversation.
MARK They don’t even know Sheryl and I exist other than to feed them or change their diapers. It’s like they have their own secret language or something.
Dennis is clearly bored.
DENNIS Let’s face it, Mark. Identical twins are creepy, even when they’re your own. Hey - you’re not going to believe this, but I think Susan’s actually losing weight.
RITANot possible. You ever seen all the candy in her desk? It’s like Halloween every day of the - what? Someone keeps stealing my pens so I did some recon. You wouldn’t believe what Uncle Bill’s got stashed in his drawers.
DENNISThat statement is just wrong on so many levels.
MURPHY'S FALL - 10.
Property of
Brian Martin
RITAYou should talk, Dennis. You’ve got enough pain killers in yours to take down an elephant.
DENNIS And you’ve got enough tampons in yours to build a levee. I’m serious, on my way out of the bathroom this morning I saw Susan and did one of those bad sitcom double takes. I swear I saw a cheek bone.
GARYWhat are we - in grade school?
MARK (to Gary)
Speaking of Susan - you still having that problem of yours?
Gary gives Mark a dirty look. Dennis breaks out laughing.
DENNISOh God, Rita, I almost forgot to tell you! Get this. Gary won’t go number two at the office because Susan’s cubicle is right next to the men’s room.
RITAWhat?! You never dump at the office?!
Gary stands to leave.
GARYI’ve got a conference call in twenty. Thanks for lunch.
RITAWait! So what do you do when you need to flop a deuce, pinch a loaf, drop the Cosby Kids off at the pool? Are you hitting another floor or something?
DENNISHe can’t. These gestapo badges only work on our floor.
RITASo you just...
MURPHY'S FALL - 11.
Property of
Brian Martin
GARYI hold it. It’s no big deal.
As Gary throws away his trash, the others watch in awe.
RITAYou guys go without me. My bowels need to make a sudden sympathy movement.
END OF ACT ONE
MURPHY'S FALL - 12.
Property of
Brian Martin
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. BIG OFFICE - LATER IN THE DAY
Gary talks on the phone while typing on the computer.
GARYSame old shit. How about you and Caryn?
(beat)Pre? Never heard of it. Let me look at my schedule.
Gary pretends to shuffle through a stack of papers.
GARY (cont’d)What do you know, tomorrow night’s open.
(beat)You know me. I’m getting laid left and right here.
Gary looks up and finds the entire staff of BIG (other than Uncle Bill and Susan) standing around his cubicle.
GARY (cont’d)Gotta run.
Gary hangs up as Dawna hands him a thick envelope addressed GARY MURPHY - CONFIDENTIAL.
GARY (cont’d)I thought I told you to quit feeling my mail.
DAWNAHow else am I gonna know when it comes in?
DENNISI just want you all to know I’m only here as a seeing-eye human for Dawna. And to bear witness to what a bunch of sick freaks you all are.
Gary opens the envelope. Inside is a stack of 8 x 10 photographs from the construction site at Beverly Hills. Henry, the seeing eye dog, yelps when Rita steps on his tail.
RITAOh, quiet you big baby! Move Dawna, it’s not like you can see, anyway.
MURPHY'S FALL - 13.
Property of
Brian Martin
DAWNAQuit pushing, girl!
Gary shuffles the photos until the next one draws a series of “OH MY GOD’S!” These are particularly grisly photos of a fatal accident.
DAWNA (cont’d)Tell me! Tell me!
DENNISSweet Jesus! Where’s his head?
GARYSee that smear on the wall? Looks like something you’d see at a Gallagher show.
RITAWho’s Gallagher?
Gary flips to a close up even worse than the last.
MARKAre those his teeth?!
Uncle Bill steps out of his office.
UNCLE BILLShow’s over everybody! Go back to doing whatever it is you all do.
RITAAw, c’mon, Uncle Bill!
UNCLE BILLDon’t Uncle Bill me. Now go on!
DAWNAYou guys suck! Come on, Henry!
The staff of BIG disperses with Dawna and Henry in the lead.
UNCLE BILLWhat’s her problem?
GARYShe’s blind.
UNCLE BILLA moment in my office, Murphy? And bring those with you. We don’t want to leave any carrion behind for these vultures.
MURPHY'S FALL - 14.
Property of
Brian Martin
Someone makes a CAW-CAW sound in the background.
INT. UNCLE BILL’S OFFICE
Uncle Bill spins in his chair when Gary enters.
UNCLE BILLClose the door.
GARYIf this is about Rick, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about...
UNCLE BILLQuit yanking my chain and fork ‘em over!
Gary hands the envelope of pictures to Uncle Bill who promptly rifles through them like a vampire at a blood bank. Gary picks up a stuffed animal off a shelf.
GARYWhat is this - a bear or a fox?
UNCLE BILLPut it down.
Gary sets the strange animal down and gazes out at a WINDOW WASHER cleaning the opposite building from the same height.
UNCLE BILL (cont’d)How’d this happen again?
GARYCable on the tower crane snapped. Face planted the poor bastard during his smoke break. If you look close, you can still see the cigarette dangling between his fingers.
UNCLE BILLLung cancer didn’t kill that boy - you did! If this isn’t a classic case of Murphy’s Law, I don’t know what is. Anything that can go wrong, will.
GARYThat’s not Murphy’s Law.
UNCLE BILLCome again?
MURPHY'S FALL - 15.
Property of
Brian Martin
GARYAnything that can go wrong, will? Technically, that’s Finagle’s Law of Dynamic Negatives.
UNCLE BILLWho the hell is Finagle?
GARYNo idea. But Murphy’s Law originated from a reliability engineer, Major Edward Murphy, during the late 40’s. The Air Force was testing how many G’s a pilot could sustain in a crash and still survive. As if the fire alone wouldn’t kill you.
UNCLE BILLHow and why do you know this?
GARYWhen your last name’s Murphy, it’s mandatory. And I watch a lot of the History and Discovery Channels. Anyway...
FLASHBACK TO:
EXT. MUROC ARMY AIR FIELD (EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE) - 1949
Black and white footage of a bunch of engineers harnessing CAPTAIN JOHN STAPP to a rocket sled sitting on a specially designed railroad track. One ASSISTANT ENGINEER attaches sensors all over Captain Stapp’s body.
GARY (V.O.)...they strapped this test pilot, Captain John Stapp, to a sled called the Gee Whiz and rocketed him across the desert floor at 200 mph before slamming on the brakes. For awhile there, he was the Fastest Man Alive.
CUT TO footage of the Gee Whiz rocketing down the track.
FLASHFORWARD TO:
INT. UNCLE BILL’S OFFICE
Uncle Bill shakes his head in disbelief.
MURPHY'S FALL - 16.
Property of
Brian Martin
UNCLE BILLThe Gee Whiz? Let me guess. Not a brother in the bunch?
GARYMurphy’s job was to monitor all the sensors attached to Stapp...
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. HANGAR AT MUROC ARMY AIR FIELD - 1949
Army engineers are up in arms over the latest data printout. MAJOR EDWARD MURPHY, a surly man, pushes his way through the crowd and rips the printout from their hands.
GARY (V.O.)...so when one run came back without any data at all, Murphy discovered his assistant had attached all sixteen sensors backwards.
The Assistant Engineer demonstrates his mistake. Murphy goes beat red and turns to address the rest of the army engineers.
EDWARD MURPHYIf there’s more than one possible outcome to a job, and one of those outcomes will result in disaster, somebody will do it that way!
Murphy glares at the Assistant Engineer, then storms away.
CUT TO a few days later at Stapp’s routine press conference.
REPORTERCaptain Stapp, how is it that no one has ever been hurt during the testing of Project MX981?
CAPTAIN STAPPWe’ve taken our share of lumps along the way, but our team always makes sure to take Murphy’s Law under careful consideration.
REPORTERWhat is Murphy’s Law?
CAPTAIN STAPPOh, just a little something we like to say around here.
MURPHY'S FALL - 17.
(MORE)
Property of
Brian Martin
Whenever something can go wrong, it will go wrong. Next question?
END OF FLASHBACKS:
INT. UNCLE BILL’S OFFICE
CLOSE ON Gary as he continues to gaze at the Window Washer.
GARYMurphy tried to correct Stapp’s version for years. Felt it was too negative, that it didn’t allow for defensive design. But no one listened. Hence your confusion as to the real meaning of...
UNCLE BILL (O.S.)Aw, hell no!
Gary finds Uncle Bill viewing one picture through a loupe.
UNCLE BILL (cont’d)Are those his damned teeth?
(beat)I’m sorry. I don’t see the difference.
GARYSee that Window Washer?
Uncle Bill gets up and stands beside Gary at the window.
GARY (cont’d)Imagine a huge gust of wind suddenly came up from nowhere.
EXT. SKYSCRAPER OPPOSITE BIG
CLOSE ON THE WINDOW WASHER as the gust shakes the scaffold. He tries to hang on, but as he didn’t hook on his safety harness, he tumbles and falls 25 stories to his doom!
INTERCUT BETWEEN UNCLE BILL’S OFFICE AND THE SKYSCRAPER -
GARYIf he’d followed safety protocol and clipped his harness, he wouldn’t be another victim of Murphy’s Law. And innocent pedestrians wouldn’t be weaving around his blood and guts on the sidealk.
MURPHY'S FALL - 18.
CAPTAIN STAPP (cont'd)
Property of
Brian Martin
UNCLE BILLYou kinda have a dark side, don’t you Murphy?
GARYBut if we give him another chance, only this time with his clamp on...
A FAST REWIND places the Window Washer back on the scaffold and safely secured to the scaffold. The gust hits again...
GARY (cont’d)...Murphy’s Law has been averted. Alas, there’s no such line of defense against Finagle’s Law of Dynamic Negatives, or in this case a sudden meteor shower.
A strange WHISTLING SOUND fills the sky. The Window Washer looks up just as a FIERY METEOR CRASHES through the scaffold, sending the Window Washer, once more, to his doom.
UNCLE BILLSo Finagle killed Smokey?
Uncle Bill hands the envelope of pictures back to Gary.
GARYNo. That was Murphy.
UNCLE BILLBut you said...
GARYI said, “Anything that can go wrong,” will wasn’t Murphy’s Law. But the crane was long overdue for inspection, and the foreman said Smokey took his break fifteen minutes early, so you were right the first time. Another one bites Murphy’s dust.
Gary flicks the stuffed animal as he heads for the door.
UNCLE BILLYou bringing that nice girlfriend of yours, what’s-her-name, to the picnic?
GARYWho, Jenny? We broke up.
MURPHY'S FALL - 19.
Property of
Brian Martin
UNCLE BILLThat’s too bad. When?
GARYFour and a half years ago. Open or shut?
UNCLE BILLUh - shut.
As Gary closes the door, Uncle Bill delicately repositions his stuffed whatever on the shelf.
INT. BIG OFFICE - END OF DAY
Everyone clears out for the day as Gary’s phone rings.
GARYConstruction Risk Management, Account Services Manager Gary Murphy speaking.
RITA (O.S.)Ever notice the little window on your phone, Gare-bear? Tells you who’s calling, especially when it’s from within the office?
GARYWhat do you want, Rita?
RITA (O.S.)We’re heading over to McCormick and Schmick’s for Happy Hour. Interested?
GARYThanks, but I’m beat so I’ll pass.
RITA (O.S.)That’s cool. So Gary? When you say you’ll pass, that’s code for needing to pop a squat and drop anchor, right? Hey, I feel your pain, because earlier I think I gave birth to septup...
Gary hangs up as Dennis, Mark and Rita leave laughing.
15 MINUTES LATER - With everyone gone, Gary photocopies the worst photos and stuffs them in his suitcase. At his cubicle, his stomach GROWLS, draining the color from his face.
MURPHY'S FALL - 20.
Property of
Brian Martin
Clutching his gut, Gary hurries across the empty office, stopping only to peer in the last cubicle. Susan’s chair is empty and her computer screen black. Even her purse is gone.
Gary briefly rejoices until a FLUSH freezes him in place. The Women’s Room opens and out walks SUSAN, purse in hand.
SUSANHi, Gary.
Susan sits and hits the space bar to wake her computer. Gary winces as his stomach GROANS again.
GARYHey, Susan. Everyone’s over at McCormick and Schmick’s. I can’t make it, but they asked if you...
SUSANI don’t drink, but thanks anyway. I thought I’d skip rush hour and do some on-line shopping instead. Night, Gary.
Gary glances at the Men’s Room in utter defeat.
GARYNight.
EXT. 10 FREEWAY - NIGHT
Gary drives up on an accident complete with LAPD’s finest. Rubber-neckers slow traffic as Gary’s stomach churns.
GARYThere better be a body.
Sure enough, a blanketed BODY is loaded into an ambulance beside an SUV with a shattered driver-side window.
INT. LAS PALMAS GRANDES - NIGHT
Despite his cramps, Gary collects his mail as a group of PERSIAN TEENS burst into the lobby speaking Farsi. Gary turns as the elevator shuts with the laughing teens inside.
Gary takes the stairs two at a time to the third floor, then runs down the hall with sweat pouring down his face. He unlocks his door just as VANDA, 30’s, his voluptuous Persian neighbor, steps out from her apartment with a bag of trash.
VANDAHey, you!
MURPHY'S FALL - 21.
Property of
Brian Martin
Gary puts on a forced smile and wipes his brow.
GARYHey, Vanda. You taking out the trash? Sorry. Just maintaining my reign as “Master of the Obvious.”
Vanda actually laughs while Gary’s stomach GROWLS again.
VANDASo, any big plans for the...
GARYI think my phone’s ringing. It’s probably my mother so I better, you know...
VANDAReally? I don’t hear...
Gary slams his door. Vanda shrugs and heads for the chute.
INT. GARY’S APARTMENT
Gary chastises himself as he runs into the bathroom. Pants around ankles, he pops back out to retrieve his Atlas.
LATER THAT NIGHT - Dressed in his undershirt, boxers and black socks, Gary watches ESPN over Mexican takeout and a couple of beers.
Gary BELCHES after another gravity-defying highlight of Blake Griffin dunking, then changes the channel to the local news. A beautiful, young REPORTER of mixed race stands near an on-ramp to the 10 freeway. Gary perks up.
REPORTERNear the site of the latest freeway shooting, I’m Lorelei Bella, Action 2 News. Back to you, Pat.
And just like that, she’s gone.
GARYAye, carumba!
(beat)Guess that leaves just you and me, buddy.
Gary turns off the TV and puts a hand down his shorts as he heads for the bathroom to finish his business, turning the page on another day in the mundane life of Gary Murphy.
END OF ACT TWO
MURPHY'S FALL - 22.
Property of
Brian Martin
ACT THREE
FADE IN:
EXT. VENICE BEACH BOARDWALK - DAY
Gary rollerblades past weightlifters, henna artists, hippies and homeless people, all begging for attention and/or money.
TORSO MAN (O.S.)Hey, mon! Picture this.
Gary brakes to find TORSO MAN, a black man in a Rastafari hat with stumps for legs and abnormally short arms. Torso Man holds up an empty picture frame as if he were a live portrait.
GARYThat’s a good one.
Gary hands Torso Man a dollar bill.
TORSO MAN How ‘bout a tee shirt? Fifteen dolla!
Torso Man’s shirt has a silhouetted likeness of himself.
GARYToo rich for my blood.
Gary rolls off into a throng of people.
TORSO MANHow ‘bout some ganja then?! The fuck am I supposed to do with one lousy dolla.
BIKE COP (O.S.)Ronnie!
Torso Man turns to face a muscle-bound Latino BIKE COP.
BIKE COP (cont’d)Stick to selling tees, bro. Don’t make me drag your ass in again.
TORSO MANShit, mon! Why you always bustin’ my hackysack?
MURPHY'S FALL - 23.
Property of
Brian Martin
BIKE COPAnd lose the Jamaican accent already. Everybody knows you’re from Inglewood, mon!
EXT. HOT DOG ON A STICK - LATER
Gary wolfs down a hot dog on a stick when a gorgeous, bikini-clad woman rollerskates by (yes, actual rollerskates!)
It’s LORELEI BELLA from Action 2 News to the tune of “Skateaway” by Dire Straits. A SURFER DUDE cranes his neck like Regan in The Exorcist.
SURFER DUDEWhoa! Check out the Unidentified Flying Orgasm on wheels.
EXT. VENICE BEACH BOARDWALK
Sweat pouring down his clip-on shades, Gary rollerblades like a madman after Lorelei as cries of “ASSHOLE” follow from those he’s nearly plowed over on the boardwalk.
FURTHER UP THE BEACH - a LESBIAN COUPLE crosses the path lugging beach chairs, a cooler and a basket carrying a tiny CHIHUAHUA wearing a Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and visor.
When they settle, LESBIAN #1 lifts the dog out as he licks her lips.
LESBIAN #1Come here, Smeagoly-Smeagol!
LESBIAN #2 rubs sunscreen lotion on the dog’s face and nose.
LESBIAN #1 (cont’d)I already did that at home.
LESBIAN #2You can’t be too safe. It’s worse when it’s overcast like this.
SMEAGOL jogs off on his retractable leash.
LESBIAN #2 (cont’d)Don’t stray too far, baby!
BACK ON THE BOARDWALK - Gary finally catches up to Lorelei as she veers off the boardwalk. TIME SLOWS as she bends over a fountain, water streaming down her chin, smiling as Gary passes by. Gary smiles, too, looking back as long as he can.
MURPHY'S FALL - 24.
Property of
Brian Martin
ON THE BEACH - The Lesbian Couple relax with their first beers. But it doesn’t last long.
LESBIAN #1Where’s his leash?
LESBIAN #2I thought you were holding it?
LESBIAN #1I thought you were holding it?!
LESBIAN #2I was opening your beer?!
ON THE BOARDWALK - Gary looks back again, but Lorelei Bella is gone! Disappointed, Gary faces forward just as a Chihuahua dressed like Jimmy Buffet scampers onto the boardwalk. Off the little dog’s BARK and a Lesbian Couple’s SQUEAL...
INT. PRE - HOLLYWOOD - SATURDAY NIGHT
Percussive tribal music, hanging globes of amber-encased prehistoric creatures and cave art set the tone for PRE.
TRAVIS, 36, lean and handsome with dyed hair and a black t-shirt that reads “Get it?!” hands a beer to Gary. Gary’s other hand is wrapped in a wrist brace.
GARYNice Shirley Temple drink.
Gary nods at Travis’s flavored martini.
TRAVISThere’s nothing fruity about a Raptortini. How’s your wrist? Hope it’s not your date wrist? Get it?!
GARYDoesn’t look like a comedy club to me?
TRAVISThere’s a room in the back called the Tar Pit. It’s open mike during the week for comedy, poetry, puppetry of the penis. You should try it sometime. Most of my act’s based on living with you, anyway.
A waitress wearing all black walks by with a tray.
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GARY Shouldn’t she be dressed more like Raquel Welch in that movie?
TRAVISMother, Jugs and Speed?
GARYOne Million Years B.C. Where’s Caryn? Why didn’t we just pick her up again?
TRAVISShe’s coming from work. Lighten up, Murph! What happened today wasn’t your fault. Besides - this is probably your last birthday in LA! At the very least, the word jugs should have elicited a titter. Get it?! Jugs? Titter? Oh. There she is.
Travis points to the front where his fiancé, CARYN, 29, a gorgeous Aussie, walks in with a woman with curly red hair. The DJ pumps up the music so they have to yell.
TRAVIS (cont’d)I know what you’re thinking! That’s just Angie! They work together! I had no idea she was coming! Scout’s honor!
Travis gives a familiar hand sign.
GARYThat’s the Vulcan sign for “Live long and prosper”, Einstein!
TRAVISOh...so it is!
LATER - The music at a semi-tolerable throb, Gary and Travis sit across from Caryn and ANGIE, 30’s. While not the beauty Caryn is, Angie has the allure of an experienced woman. Or maybe that’s just her ex-smoker’s voice talking.
ANGIE At one point, I was basically mainlining the patch and Nicorette gum while undergoing hypnotherapy and swigging some God-awful herbal sludge my acupuncturist swore would help me quit smoking.
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CARYNBut it worked, right?
ANGIEIn the end I just quit cold turkey. But I did lose 15 pounds drinking all that compost, and I hooked up with my hypnotherapist a few times, so I guess it was worth it.
CARYNDo you have any left? I could stand to lose a few before the wedding.
ANGIEAre you kidding? You don’t have an ounce of fat on you!
CARYNCod’s wallop! My hips are practically in two different zip codes!
Travis mouths “Cod’s wallop?” to Gary across the table.
CARYN (cont’d)Did you ever smoke, Gary?
Gary isn’t even listening while he swigs his fifth beer.
ANGIESo how long did you guys live together, anyway? That must have been fun?
TRAVISFour or five years. Every now and then I wake up in a cold sweat thinking of all the time we wasted eating Baja Buds in front of ESPN highlights or The Crocodile Hunter over and over again. By the way, did you know Steve Irwin’s autopsy showed he actually died of a heart attack?
ANGIEReally? I thought it was a...
Travis fakes stabbing himself in the chest with a knife.
TRAVISA heart attack! Get it?! Ouch!
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Caryn pinches Travis’s arm.
CARYNThat man was a national treasure!
TRAVISWhat? Too soon?
(beat)Anyway - the only thing Gary and I had in common was an appreciation for Classic MTV and local news hotties. Which reminds me, have you seen that new one on Action 2 News? What’s her name - Lorelei Bella? Holy Frijole!
Gary gives Travis a sharp “Don’t go there!” look.
CARYNI have to admit. She does have great tits.
Travis grabs Caryn’s hand and holds back the fake tears.
TRAVISIf this woman hadn’t come along and willingly had sex with me, I might never have found the courage to move out and - and get a life!
ANGIEI almost forgot! Congrats on booking The Comedy Store, Travis. When is it?
TRAVIS Next month. But it’s the smallest room in the house. In fact, the room is so small - this is where someone chimes in with, “How small is it?”
GARYMaybe Caryn can chime in on this one?
Caryn and Angie laugh, much to Travis’s dismay.
TRAVISSmall penis joke! Nice. Original. Leave the comedy to professionals, will ya?
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GARYWhen I find one I will.
(to Caryn)Travis said you’re working on some new reality show?
CARYNWe’re not technically supposed to talk about it.
ANGIEWe had to sign a confidentiality agreement even though the whole thing was our idea.
TRAVISYeah, well I didn’t. And since your boss is gonna take all the credit anyway, it’s called Walkabout and it’s a cross between Survivor and The Amazing...Yow! Did you just kick me?!
CARYNGary, tell Angie what you do for a living. It’s quite fascinating, really.
GARYExcuse me? Miss? Hel-lo!
Gary points to his empty beer as a waitress passes by.
TRAVISHe sees dead people.
(looks at his watch)Shit. Better go, babe. It’s first some first serve, so you guys should head in when the red light flashes.
CARYNSave me a seat.
And with that, Travis and Caryn disappear into the crowd.
ANGIE Where’s she going?
GARYYou know how some athletes pray or stretch before a big game? Well, in this case, Caryn does most of the kneeling and stretching.
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ANGIEOh. Good for her. So what did he mean you see dead people? I thought you worked at an insurance company or something?
GARYMore like something. I work for BIG. We underwrite some of the largest construction sites in Southern California, like the Mayor’s Subway to the Sea.
ANGIEWow! That does sound quite cool. Haven’t, like, a couple people died building that?
GARYActually, it’s quite boring. And it’s four, but who’s counting. Oh, thanks!
Another beer magically appears in front of Gary.
GARY (cont’d)They move like ninjas around here.
ANGIESo what’s the deal, Gary? Caryn said you haven’t had a girlfriend or been laid in like five years.
Gary nearly does a spit take in mid-swig.
GARYShe said that? It hasn’t been five years! More like - four-and-a-half. Why? When was the last time you got laid?
ANGIELet’s see. I broke up with my Play Pal last month, so - four weeks? God, has it been that long already?
GARYPlay Pal? You mean your Booty Call?
ANGIENo one calls it Booty Call anymore, Gary.
MURPHY'S FALL - 30.
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GARY Play Pal. Well, I’ll drink to that.
ANGIE From the looks of it, you’ll drink to just about anything.
Gary stops in mid-swill off Angie’s sad look.
GARY Look. Today’s not been the best of days, birthday or otherwise.
Gary subconsciously raises his bandaged wrist.
ANGIEWhy? What happened to your wrist? From the looks of that sunburn, you were at the beach all day.
GARYTrust me. You don’t want to know.
ANGIEWell, if you can’t tell a virtual stranger looking for her next Booty Call, who can you tell?
Gary finally smiles. Could his drought be nearing an end?
GARYSo what else do you do - outside of changing the world one reality show at a time?
ANGIEI’m kind of a homebody. Most of the time I prefer to just hang out with my two little guys.
Gary GULPS his drink. Angie laughs as she holds up her iPhone showing a picture of her two dogs. Precisely, TWO ADORABLE CHIHUAHUA’S.
ANGIE (cont’d)The one with the snaggletooth is Pike, and this little devil is Ike. Guess we’re up!
The red light flashes over the Tar Pit room. Gary’s beer hangs frozen in the air as Angie walks off, shaking her ass like she’s swinging for the fences.
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GARYNo worries. She can just never ever know.
INT. TRAVIS’S CAR - LATER
Gary is passed out drunk in the back seat while Travis and Caryn drive him home. Caryn punches Travis in the arm for the hundredth time.
CARYNYou are such a donger head!
TRAVISI’m driving here!
CARYNHe’s supposed to be your best friend!
TRAVIS I just wanted to wish him Happy Birthday. Besides - everyone else thought it was funny. How was I supposed to know?
CARYNYou were there when Angie rescued those dogs, remember?! You even came up with their bloody names!
TRAVISNo wonder she ran out so fast. Gary must have come off sounding like the anti-Chihuahua Christ.
Gary giggles/groans from the back seat.
GARYYo quiero, dead.
CARYNIt’s not funny, Gary! Poor little thing.
Travis slows as he nears the front of Las Grandes Palmas.
GARYNext stop, Little Tehran.
Gary suddenly tumbles out the back door.
TRAVISWhat the fuck?!
MURPHY'S FALL - 32.
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Travis hits the brakes. Caryn jumps out and pulls Gary off the grass. He just missed landing in a pile of dog shit.
GARYThe ghost of Taco Dog left that for me.
CARYNC’mon, Gary. Let’s get you to bed.
GARYDid I ever tell you how much I love your accent? G’day mate! Throw another shrimp on the barbie!
CARYNGee. Thanks, Gary.
Travis and Caryn carry Gary to his apartment building.
GARY (singing Men At Work’s “Land Down Under”)
“I said, ‘Do you speak-a my language?’ He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich.” What’s a vegemite sandwich, anyway? I could really go for one about now.
FADE TO WHITE:
EXT. OUTDOOR POOL - LONG ISLAND, NEW YORK - 22 YEARS AGO
The summer sky is whitewashed with sunlight while the sights and sounds of kids play in and around the community pool.
Three 16 year old boys strut on the deck to Duran Duran’s “Notorious”. The lean one is Gary, complete with 80’s mullet. ANTONY is squat, all muscle and attitude, while NICKY looks like a fat vampire who got lost on the way to the crypt.
ANTONYLook at the buds on that one.
Antony points at a YOUNG GIRL who climbs out of the pool and lays down next to her two friends.
NICKYGimme a break, Tone. She’s like twelve. You wanna get arrested for statuary rape?
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GARYIt’s statutory, dipwad. Besides, she’s fourteen.
NICKYYou know her, Murph?
GARYThat’s Shelley Hammonds. She’s in my sister, Lisa’s class.
The three girls giggle about the older boys ogling them. SHELLEY HAMMONDS looks at Gary and whispers to her friends.
ANTONYWe just gonna stand around here in a circle jerk or what?
GARYI’ll catch up. But I call shotgun on Hammonds.
ANTONYI got your shotgun right here!
Gary climbs the ladder to the empty three meter board beside the more popular low dive. When he reaches the top, Gary surveys the neighborhood, feeling like the king of the world.
Antony and Nicky surround the girls below and flip Gary off. Shelley Hammonds shields her eyes from the sun, a clear sign her full attention is on Gary. CLOSE ON Gary’s feet as he steps further out on the board.
END OF FLASHBACK:
INT. GARY’S APARTMENT - NEXT MORNING
Gary wakes up next to the toilet bowl in his bathroom. He peeks inside and promptly flushes whatever he finds.
END OF ACT 3
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TAG
FADE IN:
INT. GARY’S APARTMENT - SUNDAY NIGHT
Gary lies in the depths of his sunken couch, talking on the phone while watching the end of The Cousteau Odyssey (from the opening scene). From the looks of it, he’s been there all day.
GARYUh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Sure. Put Lisa on.
(beat)Hey. Mommy sounds tired. She okay?
(beat)Uh-huh.
ONSCREEN, the image cuts from a WIDE SHOT of a hunting ship cutting through the polar ice to a CLOSE UP of a baby seal staring directly into the camera.
JACQUES COUSTEAU (V.O.)“The death ship waits. Perhaps the mammal that is most unpredictable, incomprehensible and inexplicable is the human being.”
FADE OUT.
END OF PILOT
MURPHY'S FALL - 35.
Property of
Brian Martin