Choosing Peace: New Ways to Communicate to Reduce Stress, Create Connection,and Resolve Conflict (Mediate Your Life: A Guide to Removing Barriers toCommunication, Vol. 1)by Ike Lasater & John Kinyon, with Julie Stiles and Mary Sitze© 2014 Mediate Your Life, LLCMediate Your LifeP.O. Box 3539Amherst, MA 01004http://www.mediateyourlife.comconnect@mediateyourlife.comISBN10: 0989972003ISBN13: 9780989972000This book contains stories about fictional characters. Names, characters, places,events and incidents are either the products of the authors' imaginations or used in afictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actualevents is coincidental.

Introduction by Ike LasaterChapter 1: Choosing Peace: CreatingConnection to Reduce Conflict

Chapter 2: Clarity in Communication: Escapingthe Trap of Our Own Interpretations

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Chapter 3: What Actually Happened?Observation Versus Judgment

Chapter 4: How Do You Feel About WhatHappened? Finding Feelings

Chapter 5: What’s the Underlying Motivation?Finding Needs

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Chapter 6: What Do You Want to Do?: FindingRequests

ConclusionEpilogue: “Following the Energy” by JohnKinyon

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Introductionby Ike Lasater

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Choosing PeaceCreating Connection to ReduceConflict"In all situations, it is my response that decides

whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated,and a person humanized or de-humanized."

—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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Clarity in CommunicationEscaping the Trapof Our Own Interpretations

“Between stimulus and response there is a space.In that space is our power to choose our response.In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

—Man’s Search for Meaningby Victor E. Frankl

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Practice PauseThink back on a recent interaction that resulted in youfeeling disconnected from someone. Can youpinpoint the thought or interpretation that causedthis?

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When you leave the house without saying goodbye(Observation),I feel sad and lonely (Feelings)because I really like having companionship in themornings. (Need)Would you be willing to give me a kiss before youleave the house each day? (Request)

When you blow me off each morning, (Ouch,Judgment)I feel rejected and abandoned ("Faux Feelings," orfeeling with an accusing story attached)because I should not have to put up with yourchilliness. (Judgment, with no need stated)When are you going to start being more loving?(Judgment, without a clear request)

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“Don't you think you’re overstepping here? Justbecause you never moved away doesn’t mean thatyou’re in charge. Mom’s still Mom. And she has otherchildren besides just you.”

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“You’re outofline. You never did anything interestingwith your life and so it’s absurd that you would seeyourself as having any power or insight in this situation.I am dismissing what you’ve observed in Mom. Andyou are not as important as you think you are.”

“Mom’s not still Mom. If you cared enough to comehome more often, you would know that. And I mightas well be Mom’s only child, because I’m the only onewho gives a damn about her wellbeing!”

“You’re in denial about Mom and you are a bad sonbecause you moved far away. You and Peg don’tlove Mom enough. I am the only one who is right and Iam the only one who cares.”

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“When I hear you wondering if I’m ‘overstepping’(Observation)I get worried (Feeling)because I really want collaboration in making any bigfamily decision (Need)Would you be willing to tell me how I can betterinclude you in this process of deciding what we’ll dofor Mom?” (Request)

“When you raise your voice and slam the door(Observation),I feel scared and upset (Feelings)because of my needs for calm and predictability.(Needs).Would you be willing to come back in the house whenyou’re ready and take just ten minutes to talk aboutwhat you are going through right now?” (Request)

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Practice PauseThink back on a recent interaction that escalated intoconflict. Try using OFNR to express how you felt in thatmoment. "When you ____ [Observation], I feel ____[Feeling], because I want ____ [Need]. Would you bewilling to ____ [Request]?"

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“Seeing you talking (Observation), I feel somereluctance (Feelings) to interrupt,but I’m feeling some urgency to complete here so Ican get home to my family. (Need)Would you be willing to shift to checking meout?” (Request)

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“I can’t believe how rude you are! Do you think wehave nothing better to do than to listen to you twoblather on to each other? It’s like we’re invisible. Giveme the name of your manager, because somebodyhas to teach you how to show some respect.”

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Practice PauseThink back on a moment when you were madeunhappy by another person's actions. What happenswhen you attempt to describe what that person wasdoing in observation language, without reference toyour emotional reactions?

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Practice PauseTake a closer look at Sally's words above. Can youlocate the 4 Components in her words? What was herObservation? What were her Feelings? Her Needs?What Requests did she make of her siblings?

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What Actually Happened?Observation Versus Judgment

“To observe without evaluating isthe highest form of intelligence.”

-J. Krishnamurti

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Practice PauseThink of a recent interaction and how you interpretedit. See if you can locate both an external observationand an internal observation.

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Practice PauseThink of a recent interaction that ecalated into aconflict. Can you recall the judgments that took youout of connection with the other person?

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Practice PauseTake a moment to think about how you could use thefour techniques above to help you to separate yourown judgments from observations.

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Practice PauseThink of a judgment you hold of someone else, andsee if you can find the observation. Consider enlistinga practice partner to help.

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How Do You Feel AboutWhat Happened?Finding Feelings

“So when you are listening to somebody, completely,attentively, then you are listening not only to the

words, but also to the feeling of what is beingconveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it.”

—J. Krishnamurti

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Practice PauseWhat are you feeling right now?Write down at least two adjectives that sum up youranswer.

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Practice PauseReview what you wrote down earlier about how youwere feeling. Is your answer a feeling or a faux feeling?

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Practice PauseThink of a recent conflict and how you felt during it.Scan the feelings list (Appendix A) to find the feelingsthat matched your internal experience. What mighthave been different about the conflict if you hadknown you were having those feelings or had sharedthem out loud?

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What’s the UnderlyingMotivation?Finding Needs

“If the other person’s behavior is not inharmony with my own needs, the moreI empathize with them and their needs,

the more likely I am to get my own needs met.”—Marshall Rosenberg

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Practice PauseWhat need or needs of yours are being metin this moment?What need is not being met?

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Practice PauseChoose a need from the list in Appendix C and thenname up to three strategies that you could adopt tomeet that need.

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Practice PauseThink about a conflict from your own life or that you'veread about in the news. What are the conflictingstrategies? What are the universal needs that eachside is trying to meet?

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Practice PausePlan how you will increase your awareness of theneeds motivating your actions.

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What Do You Want to Do?Finding Requests

“If one person gets clear, it helpseverybody around them to get clearer.”

—Claire Nuer

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Practice PauseThink of a recent request you made of yourself oranother person. Was it a presenttense, positiverequest, expressed in action language? If not, howcould you have made it so?

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Practice PauseWhat's the most connecting request that someone hasmade of you lately? What did you like about the waythe request was posed to you? How do you think youwould have responded if the request had beenexpressed differently?

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Practice PauseWho can you make an agreement with to supportyour awareness of a habit that you wouldlike to change?

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Conclusion

“Reality is that which, when you stopbelieving in it, doesn't go away.”

— Philip K. Dick

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EpilogueFollowing the Energyby John Kinyon

“Take your time to understand.Don’t just do something, be there.”

—Marshall Rosenberg

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"When I see/hear you ______________ [Observation],I am __________ [Feeling]because I want ______________ [Need];would you be willing to ______________ [Request]?"

“When you____________ [Observation],are you ___________ [Feeling]because you want __________ [Need]?”

“When you start talking while I’m speaking, are youexcited because you want to be heard?

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“When I think about this business deal [Observation], Ifeel uncertain [Feelings] because I need somehelp [Need].”

“Would you be willing to listen while I talk throughmy concerns?”

“I'm confused about what we’re doing this summer forvacation. Can we talk about it for a few minutes?”

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“When I think about our summer vacation[Observation], I feel confused [Feeling] because Ineed clarity [Need]; would you be willing to talk aboutour plans for ten minutes this afternoon [Request]?”

“Would you like your colleague to get how much workyou’ve put into this, so are you frustrated about whathe said in the meeting?”

“When you think about what your colleague said inthe meeting [Observation], are you frustrated [Feeling]because you’d like appreciation for your work [Need],and you would like it from her?”

“Are you bummed about the phone call becauseyou’d like to get along with your mom better?”

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“When you think about the phone call with yourmother [Observation], are you discouraged [Feeling]because you want connection [Need], and you’dreally like it with her?

“I’m reluctant to go to your office holiday party sinceI’ve got so much on my plate already; are you hopingthat your going will bring you closer together withyour colleagues?

“When I think about going to your holiday party[Observation], I feel reluctant [Feeling] because I needrest [Need],”

“When you consider going to the holiday party[Observation], are you feeling enthused [Feeling]because of the sense of belonging it would giveyou [Need]?”

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“[The training] increased my hope for the future.”-Immersion Program Graduate

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