“You see son, when two girls love eachother

very-very much and they have a cup…”

Modern Parenting #137

Pigeon-Man, Pigeon-Man.

Does whatever a pigeon can.

Sees a crime and saves the day.

Shits on you, then flies away.

Look-up, here comes Pigeon-Man. 1.

It’s (the slightly above-average first addition)

Oh look, it’s...

“Last month I was at my nephew’s

birthday party and a little boy shit his

pants and had to be taken home. I’ve

started doing the same and it works

like a charm” - F. Jones, Wiltshire

top tips

ch-ch-ch-changes

(THIS WEEK’S CHANGES TO ENGLISH VOCAB)

KITTENS - CAT PUPPIES

FEATHERS - BIRD LEAVES

COCONUTS - HAIRY EGGS

GIVING BIRTH - POOING A HUMAN

THE ARMY - DEATHFORCE 9000

THE NAVY - SEA DEMONS

THE AIR FORCE - SKYRIDERS

THE MARINES - ASSAULT TEAM: FIREKILL

THE COAST GUARD - THE MARINES

ADVICE When it comes down to it,

the most important thing you

can do everyday, is not die.

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2. Dear Producers of Back To The Future.

I recently re-watched your 1985 smash hit and cult classic “Back

To The Future” with my little boy of twelve years. It took me

back to when I was that age, realising how much I loved that

film. However, I was struck by the ending. The scene when

Marty returns to the present to find his family are now different;

his Mother a physically fit woman, his Father a confident and

successful author and Biff, the family’s butler of sorts.

Why would George McFly want Biff to be his subordinate any-

way? He tried to rape your wife! Why would you want him

around Lorraine and the kids? “Oh, let’s punish Biff for trying to

date-rape Mum on prom night back in the fifties by getting him

to wash the fucking Jeep” - it doesn’t make sense, it’s not the

right message you should be sending out to children and it’s a

terrible ending to a movie. Biff should really do time in prison

and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Regards, E. Brown.

A: Sorry if I was Curt with you earlier.

B: Oh no, don’t worry. Really, it’s fine, I underst-

A: -I have Multiple Personality Disorder; Curtis is my other personality.

A baffled driver had her car covered

in tinned tomatoes in a series of

bizarre attacks which have been cap-

tured on CCTV. The woman owner (20

from Blackburn) has no idea why her

yellow Ford Ka is being targeted. In

a desperate attempt to capture the

suspect, she has now caught the cul-

prit on CCTV and is hoping it will

lead to his arrest. When asked about

the incident she responded with "I

really don't get it. I don't under-

stand it at all; they could've at

least opened the cans".

the nooz

THIS WEEK’S DEFINITION: The Daily Mail

“A Mecca for people who hate Mecca”

3. “Did you know babies aren't actually born with eye-

brows? But apparently "no, it's not fucking alright for

you to draw them on". Last time I attempt small-talk

at the bus stop” - J. Penny, Devon

facts & things

WHAT’S HOT

WHAT’S NOT

A cup of tea

An iron

A fire

A pan

Chilli peppers

Steve Buscemi

“I wonder if Morgan Freeman is

too busy narrating his birthday

party to actually enjoy it…”

“He wiped-away her tears, and

accidentally her eyebrows too…”

In international news this week,

Mexican singer and actress Patri-

cia Navidad was performing on

breakfast TV show Despierta Ameri-

ca (Wake Up America) when her san-

itary pad was seen slipping from

her dress and falling to the

ground. Navidad (42) didn't bat an

eyelid and carried-on regardless.

When asked about the incident she

responded with "What can I say,

the show must go on, always. I

never throw-in the sanitary towel"

the nooz

4.

“A RANDOM JAMES BOND MOVIE”

MONDAY | ITV3 | 19:35

A raging alcoholic who possibly has

an addiction to sex and has a fixation

with killing people seemingly keeps

his illustrious government job without

there being a public investigation or tabloid interest.

The BBC have announced that they

are going to cover the cost of

providing free television licences

for the over-75s. When asked what

they would give-back in return,

old people responded with "A £1

coin taped inside a birthday card,

Werther's Original and knitwear"

the nooz

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

“Netflix was the original working title for the game

Subbuteo” - C. Gregory, Essex

facts & things

“Shaving your head when you’re go-

ing bald is the ultimate “You can’t fire

me, I quit!” - P. Smith, Central London

top tips

WHY BATMAN’S A DICK

Imagine you have a friend named

Alan and Alan insists everyone

calls his car “The Alan Mobile”;

you’d think Alan was a dick

wouldn’t you?

5.

fanpage

“SOME SORT OF FOOTBALL MATCH”

TUESDAY | ITV1 | 19:00

Live from a stadium somewhere we

watch some footballers foot some

balls, for money!

6. When she asked me if I'd prefer to have legs made of cheese or arms made of bacon I knew I want-

ed to move well-away from this woman. Clutching a weathered bag-for-life, Jan Cooper didn’t

break her vacant yet blistering stare while we waited for a break in the traffic. I knew her name was

Jan Cooper as that was the first thing she had said to me as she planted her Crocs adjacent to where

I was standing. As every metallic morsel meandered past us at an almost sarcastic pace I prayed to a

God I don't believe in that Jan Cooper wouldn't say another word to me. I pretended I didn't hear her

question and looked at the shiny-black screen that was balanced in my sweaty paw. A text, an email,

a Tinder match, hell, even a call from my network provider could save me from this strange woman.

Jan Cooper grabbed my arm and interrogated me more. "What would you prefer; legs made of

cheese or arms made of bacon?" - Jan Cooper's steamed-up bifocals looked up at me, a tuft of grey-

ing-ginger hair showing through the hood of her purple cagoule. "I have no idea" I lied, then gazed-

out at the sea of incoming cars that seemed never-ending. Jan Cooper's freckled hand was still chok-

ing my arm; it took a second too long for her to realise and recoil.

I pictured Jan Cooper being escorted out of a Superdrug for telling a woman in the tampon aisle that

she has Princess Diana's head in a lunchbox under her bed. Maybe sitting on a bus or in a doctor's

waiting room singing an acapella version of that “Happy” song by Pharrell. Or standing in her kitch-

en, trying to crack a coconut over a Foreman Grill while shouting the words "Damn you Mother, I

told you to stop buying these hairy eggs". All of this was speculation of cause, yet more than likely

true. My point is Jan Cooper was alien to me; strange, odd, unusual, peculiar, bizarre, weird, queer,

abnormal, unwell, out of the ordinary, out of sorts, out of this world, puzzling, mysterious, baffling,

irregular, deviant, freakish, surreal. Jan Cooper was different and I didn’t like it.

I saw a break in the traffic, it was nine cars away. I looked left to check I had a clean escape, when

Jan Cooper caught my eye. “You know there’s a zebra-crossing further up this road?” – the most

sane thing Jan Cooper had said to me within this two-minutes of mayhem. I smiled at her and re-

plied “Well, I hope he’s having better luck than we are” – Jan Cooper looked at me with a blank

stare. Shit, maybe I’m the weird one.

Footage surfaced this month

of a London city worker sup-

posedly snorting cocaine

while traveling on The Under-

ground. When asked what line

the coke-fiend was on; Brit-

ish Transport Police answered

"His third, I think"

the nooz OPENING SOON: “I Kid You Not”, a new abortion

clinic will be opening a branch in Durham this

month reports say.

7.

8.

CCTV footage was released this

week of a Southport woman having

a poo in the middle of a B&M Bar-

gains. The woman in her mid-

thirties 'relieved' herself, cov-

ered the remains with baby

clothes, then carried on with her

shopping. When confronted by the

video, the 'shifty shitter' re-

sponded with - "I'm absolutely

mortified. I didn't know there

was a camera. I usually shop at

M&S but it's the last weekend be-

fore payday"

the nooz

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEWS WITH FERN

BRITTON ABOUT WHAT SHE REALLY

THINKS OF PHILLIP SCHOFIELD. PAUL

MCCARTNEY OPENS UP ABOUT WHICH

BEATLE HE LOVED THE MOST. AND WE

TALK WITH GARY BUSEY ABOUT HIS

NEW OUTLOOK ON LIFE.

VOTE NOW FOR

YOUR FAVOURITE

GARDEN HOSE

SETTING OF 2015:

[ ] Shower

[ ] Cone

[ ] Mist

[ ] Soaker

[ ] Flat

[ ] Centre

[ ] Jet

WELL DONE IF

YOU’VE GOT THIS

FAR WITHOUT

CHECKING YOUR

FACEBOOK OR

LOOKING IN THE

MIRROR. SERIOUS-

LY, WELL DONE.

BREAKING NEWS: A new study shows that

sausages are in fact linked with other sausages.