how to suck at marketing
DESCRIPTION
Voici comment louper complètement votre stratégie marketing (document en anglais). Bonne lecture !TRANSCRIPT
HOW TO
SUCK AT
MARKETING.
are you partying
marketing like it’s 1999?
Yes.
No.
you are definitely…
Yes. if
and…
YOUR MARKETING
SUCKS.
not sure if you are wasting time and money with old-school marketing practices? ?
here’s a helpful guide on…
HOW TO
SUCK AT
MARKETING.
call people randomly and ask them to buy your stuff.
call during dinner time or when they least expect it. PRO TIP:
if you don’t know how to pronounce someone’s name, just make it up.
if you don’t know how to pronounce someone’s name, just make it up. (say it confidently like you do)
send unsolicited emails to people who have never heard of your company before.
(and ask them to buy your stuff)
if you feel like you need more random people to spam, rent or buy additional contact lists.
PRO TIP:
be persistent. email or call with great frequency.
PRO TIP #2:
be persistent. email or call with great frequency. (asking to buy your stuff)
PRO TIP #2:
do not invest in sophisticated marketing software.
do not invest in sophisticated marketing software. INSTEAD…
P!r"#$%&'! your marketing emails with great salutations like these:
Dear Sir or Madam
To Whom it May Concern
Our Valued Customer
Hi Friend
Greetings Earthling
send your entire contact list the same email marketing message.
PRO TIP:
send your entire contact list the same email marketing message. (obviously about buying your stuff)
PRO TIP:
send your entire contact list the same email marketing message. (obviously about buying your stuff)
BONUS POINT: send it to existing customers.
PRO TIP:
don’t waste time worrying about you’re grammar or speling. PRO TIP #2:
spend time on the
following…
stuffing as many keywords into your
website as possible.
buying expensive booths at trade shows.
sending more direct mail to random people. (about buying your stuff, duh)
and if you still have extra time…
go door to door to try and get people to buy your stuff.
say whatever it takes to convince people to buy your product.
PRO TIP:
say whatever it takes to convince people to buy your product. (even if technically it can’t actually do all that stuff… completely)
PRO TIP:
say whatever it takes to convince people to buy your product. (this is not your problem, the sales & services teams at your company will need to figure it out)
PRO TIP:
think of yourself as a marketing hero among ordinary men. (or women)
you know better than your
customers, prospects, and
sales team:
DON’T LISTEN TO THEM.
show how awesome you are that you don’t need to A/B test any of your emails, landing pages, or calls-to-action.
make sure everyone knows how awesome your company is, too.
make sure everyone knows how awesome your company is, too. use social media as a place to share how great you are.
make sure everyone knows how awesome your company is, too. use social media as a place to share how great you are. always.
WARNING! DO NOT DO THE FOLLOWING:
1. track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) DO NOT
1. track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2. align your sales & marketing
DO NOT
1. track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2. align your sales & marketing 3. segment your contact database
DO NOT
1. track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2. align your sales & marketing 3. segment your contact database 4. attempt thought leadership
DO NOT
1. track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2. align your sales & marketing 3. segment your contact database 4. attempt thought leadership 5. attend educational conferences or seminars
DO NOT
1. track your marketing ROI (or use any analytics) 2. align your sales & marketing 3. segment your contact database 4. attempt thought leadership 5. attend educational conferences or seminars 6. embrace inbound marketing
DO NOT
IT’S STRONGLY RECOMMENDED TO DO THE FOLLOWING:
1. use lots of marketing jargon DO
1. use lots of marketing jargon 2. purchase online pop-up advertisements
DO
1. use lots of marketing jargon 2. purchase online pop-up advertisements 3. raise the volume of your TV commercials
DO
1. use lots of marketing jargon 2. purchase online pop-up advertisements 3. raise the volume of your TV commercials 4. lots of outbound marketing
DO
curious to know if your marketing
SUCKS?
(or how awesome it is?)
Yes.
No.
Yes.
No.
good.
get a detailed online marketing report. it’s free! (and doesn’t suck!)
MARKETING
.GRADER .COM
created & written by
RYAN BROWN
BRAND & MARKETING STRATEGIST AT
HUBSPOT