How to Fail as a DBAAdvice on how to leave the DBA profession behind

Our Goal

Hard work? Teamwork? Self-Motivation? Learn from Peers? Keep up with new technology?

How Do We Get There?

No, that would be silly

Live in fear of making a mistake

Delegate “uncomfortable” work to co-workers

Avoid doing your own research

Tell customer it just can’t be done

Failure Is An Option

Ways to avoid doing any actual DBA work

“The best thing about being a Poopsmith is there is no way to fail as a Poopsmith”

Focus on complicating the simple tasks and ignoring the complicated tasks

Words of Wisdom

DBA Failure Rule #1

Always remember…

COMPLEXITY = JOB SECURITY

DBA Failure Rule #2

Always remember…

VISIBILITY = OUTSOURCING

DBA Failure Rule #3

Always remember…

SURLINESS = INTELLIGENCE

DBA Failure Rule #4

Always remember…

SQL GOOD = ORACLE BAD

OK, this one is true

Make maintenance plans as complex as possible and never, ever tell people what they actually do.

Make sure users are aware that upgrading SQL is a daunting task and should be avoided at any cost.

Always solve problems as slowly as possible and never, never, ever tell them what you did.

Rules to Fail By

thinks backups are a privilege

thinks verifying restores requires a daily supply of bagels

likes to check successful backups only when he has a hunch they’ve been failing

Backups

thinks performance is a user’s problem

thinks tuning = reboot thinks more hardware is always the solution indexes EVERYTHING

loves shrinking databases (and hates kittens)

Performance

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

PoopSmith’s Hierarchy of Needs

Always make fun of SQL Server presenters and give them low evaluations just for the heck of it.

Finally

Thank You and Good Luck on Your New Career

Special thanks to www.homestarrunner.com

DISCLAIMER: Please, for the love of God and kittens, do not follow any of the advise in this presentation

About Me

@shawsql

www.dbaexperience.wordpress.com