Can I Get a HUG?

Presented by:Diane Wagenhals, M.Ed., CFLEWebsite: www.lakesidednet.com

Course Goals

Consider and learn ways to use the skill of“Calm”

Build their resources of visual examples ofanger to share with students

Gain one of the most critical leadership skillsand have the opportunity to practice it

Appreciate less healthy, less effective non-listening responses

We expect to help participants:

Benefits of Getting Clear about Principles &Skills of Effective Discipline The more educators, parents and caregivers are clear

about applying fundamental principles and skills ofeffective disciplining, the greater the chances they caneffectively manage anger that often is associated withresponding to children’s misbehaviors, to their lapses inself control, inabilities to follow the rules, immaturity,arrogance, disrespect and irresponsibility.

As a result of children needing to act like children, theadults responsible for their care are called on to providestructure, maintain order, insist that rules be followedand to impose healthy consequences when necessary,i.e. to discipline effectively.

Calm: A Key Skill Calm is a skill that is straightforward and basic. Being aware of how to be (or at least fake) calm can be

very empowering. Educators can consider the degree to which they

already own this skill and can become more aware ofits value.

Calmness is a critical component of EffectiveDiscipline.

“Discipline is not an emotional event.” Calmness is one of the four “C’s” of effective discipline

(others are clear, confident and compassionate).

Calm: A Key Skill The more someone practices behaviors of calm, the

less emotional he will be. Behaving in a calm way often helps calm an adult. It is not always possible to stay calm. We recommend adults use I-messages to express

their anger or other feelings in a healthier, lessintimidating way.

Out of control adults look scary to children. Calmness is both a skill and an attitude. Calmness can be faked.

Benefits of Staying Calm It allows you to maintain control over your reactions

and responses. Your calmness invites children to become calmer. Calmness helps children think more clearly, stay

focused, be assertive and decisive. Calmness helps avoid feeling and behaving in an angry

way. Adults often benefit from learning the phrase “That may

be” as a way to acknowledge a child’s input whileremaining firm and calm.

Role-Play Questions How was the child probably feeling? How might the parent have felt? What behaviors and words help you know the parent is

calm (or not)? What might be the overall impact on the child? What might be the overall impact on the parent/child

relationship?

Classroom Tools The “Anger” Volcano “Toothpaste” Challenge “Torn Paper Doll” Image The Fence

The “Anger” VolcanoDemonstration

An educator can use the followingdemonstration to illustrate to students oradults how anger can build up as a resultof an accumulation of annoying,frustrating, and unfair or difficultexperiences.

Source: Kids, Parents, and Power Strugglesby Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

“Toothpaste” ChallengeDemonstration Educators can use this object lesson to

help students or adults understand thatonce they say or do something hurtfulto someone, the words or actionscannot ever be completely taken back.

The “Torn Paper Doll” ImageDemonstration Educators can use this object lesson to show

students or adults that once someone saysor does something hurtful, it can be verydamaging. Even after “repairing” thedamage, it still is evident.

The “Fence” Demonstration

Educators can use this object lesson tohelp students or adults understand thatonce something hurtful is “out”, it takesa lot of work to undo even a part of thehurt. Even after “repairing” thedamage, it still is evident.

Source: www.achievebalance.com/data/articles/fence.htmAudrey Wittrup

Active Listening Basics Active Listening is one of the most critical leadership

skills for educators to use. Active Listening is a critical relationship skill. It helps build safety, trust and connection in a

relationship. It communicates interest, awareness, acceptance,

respect and appreciation for what someone issaying.

We base our shortened version of Active Listeningon an acronym coined by Harville Hendrix.

H.U.G.

Dr. Hendrix calls Listening giving someone you care about a“H.U.G.”

“H” stands for “hearing.” You decide to stop and listen to whatthe person is saying, giving full attention.

“U” stands for “understanding.” You think about what the personis feeling, needing, wanting, valuing so you can better understandhis or her experience.

“G” stands for “giving.” You put what you have heard andunderstood into a statement that reflects these two and give thatstatement to the person.

Ways to Give a H.U.G. Describe the story back, using your own words. Put into words what the person might be:

~ Feeling~ Needing~ Wishing~ Hoping~ Expecting

~ Worrying about~ Struggling with~ Prizing~ Believing

Accept that what the person is seeing, feeling,experiencing or believing is his or her truth.

Save your comments, beliefs, requests or perspectivesuntil some other time.

Five Things Not to Do

Reassure, affirm: say that everything is going to be okay Explain: tell why it has happened this way Solve: suggest ways the person could handle the situation Share: tell the person of your similar experience Question: ask any questions

When Listening do Not “RESS-Q”

More Toxic, Non ListeningResponses

Ordering, Directing, CommandingPossible feelings generated: resentful, angry,

intimidated, defensive, controlled, dominated Warning, Admonishing, Threatening

Possible feelings generated: afraid, intimidated,guilty, worried, cautious, unsafe, attacked,overpowered

Judging, Criticizing, BlamingPossible feelings generated: defensive, attacked,

blamed, misunderstood, humiliated

Name-calling, Ridiculing, ShamingPossible feelings generated: labeled, trapped, isolated,

mocked, minimized, ashamed Distracting, Changing The Focus, Withdrawing, Joking

Possible feelings generated: unheard, diminished,negated, confused, ignored

Denying Feelings, Discounting, MinimizingPossible feelings generated: negated, put down,

resentful, confused, uncertain Pitying, Worrying

Possible feelings generated: guilty for causing worry,confused, patronized, regretful for even bringing up thesubject

More Toxic, Non ListeningResponses

Sentence Starters “It sounds like…” “It seems…” “That makes you feel…” “That could make a person feel…” “You wish…” “You would like to change…” “It hurt you…” “You need permission to…” “You are looking forward to…” “The hard part about this is…” “You didn’t expect…”

Sentence Starters “It bothers you that…” “You aren’t sure…” “You’re worried that…” “You needed…” “When you aren’t getting what you need, then…” “It seems unfair that…” “You can’t understand…” “You are working to…” “The tension seems to be coming from…” “The solution you see is…” “If things could be different, you’d feel…”

Presentation Exercises Presenter does a short role play to

demonstrate the difference betweenRESS-Qing a student and ActivelyListening to him or her.

Educators conduct a “Find the H.U.G.”Recognition Exercise

Educators do additional practice with theH.U.G. concept with a GeneratingExercise

“Think About” Homework Educators are encouraged to consider if and how the information

presented relates to their own experiences and ways they mightuse the information to better understand themselves personallyand professionally.

We suggest that educators consider the skill of Calm noting whenand how people’s levels of calm impact their emotional andrelational health.

We invite educators to become more self-aware, applying theprinciples of Calm to themselves.

We invite educators to become more self-aware, applying theappropriate principles of Calm and HUG to students and otherpeople when they would benefit from the experience of sharingtheir story or feelings with someone able to Listen without RESS-Qing them.

Recommended Reading Boundaries with Kids. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, 1998. Connections - The Threads That Strengthen Families. Jean Illsley Clarke,

1999. Getting the Love You Want. Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., 2005. Giving the Love That Heals. Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., 1998. How To Discipline Without Feeling Guilty. Melvin L. Silberman and Susan

A. Wheelan, 1980. How To Talk So Kids Can Learn. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, 2001. Kids, Parents and Power Struggles. Mary Sheedy Kurchinka, 2000. Self-Esteem: A Family Affair. Jean Illsley Clarke, 1998. The Anger Control Workbook. Matthew McKay, Ph.D. and Peter Rogers,

Ph.D., 2003. The Explosive Child. Ross W. Greene, Ph.D., 2001.