managing difficult conversations:9 questions to ask yourself

managingmanagingdifficultdifficultconversationsconversations9 questions to ask yourself9 questions to ask yourself

barbara greenebarbara greenelogos consulting grouplogos consulting group

first:first:a disclaimera disclaimer

what wewhat we’’reretalkingtalkingabout todayabout todayisnisn’’t basedt basedon this bookon this book

ii’’ve ve heard itheard it’’s good, but is good, but ihavenhaven’’t read itt read it

okay, letokay, let’’s go!s go!

consider these 3 imagesconsider these 3 images

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what do theywhat do theyhave to do withhave to do with

difficultdifficultconversationsconversations??

what do theywhat do theyhave to do withhave to do with

you?you?

back to theback to the 3 images3 images

letlet’’s start in thes start in themiddlemiddle

are you familiarare you familiarwith this brainwith this brain

teaser?teaser?

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so, now, get out yourso, now, get out yourpencilpencil

so,now get outyour pencil

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· · ·· · ·go ahead—go ahead—copy this downcopy this down

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· · ·· · ·connect all 9 dotsconnect all 9 dots

usingusing 4 straight lines4 straight lines andand dondon’’t lift yourt lift your

pencil from the pagepencil from the page

give up?give up?

already know the answer?already know the answer?

this way for the answerthis way for the answer

{ just one of the possibilities }{ just one of the possibilities }

did you try todid you try toconnect all the dots in aconnect all the dots in asquare configuration?square configuration?

free yourselffree yourself

open the boxopen the box

that puzzle wasthat puzzle wasoriginally givenoriginally givento engineers toto engineers tohelp them thinkhelp them think

beyondbeyondconstraintsconstraints

itit’’s where thats where that now annoying now annoying

phrase phrase *think outside*think outside

the box*the box* comes comes fromfrom

many of us letmany of us letdifficultdifficult

conversationsconversationsput us into aput us into a

boxbox

a box ofa box ofconflictconflict

a box of uglya box of uglyconfrontationconfrontation

many people want tomany people want toavoid a conflict oravoid a conflict or

confrontationconfrontation

conflict and confrontationconflict and confrontationdondon’’t have to be uglyt have to be ugly

conflict andconflict andcconfrontationonfrontationdondon’’t have tot have to

be uglybe ugly

yes, difficult conversations canyes, difficult conversations caninvolve bloody bits of gladiationinvolve bloody bits of gladiation

Or it can be ritualized playfighting just like in the animal kingdom

or they can be a form ofor they can be a form ofplay fightingplay fighting

just like in thejust like in theanimal kingdomanimal kingdom

Or it can be ritualized playfighting just like in the animal kingdom

difficult conversationsdifficult conversationsare both are both inevitableinevitable and andtemporarytemporary

Or it can be ritualized playfighting just like in the animal kingdom

they can provide anthey can provide anenergizing creative force,energizing creative force,

and no one has to feeland no one has to feelvanquishedvanquished

difficultdifficultconversationsconversations

conflictconflicthappenshappensas a naturalas a naturalpart of lifepart of life

drama maydrama mayensue and itensue and itmay be harshmay be harsh

we can negotiatewe can negotiatethrough thethrough thedrama and movedrama and moveonon

we can learnwe can learnsomethingsomething

conflict andconflict andcconfrontationonfrontationdondon’’t have tot have to

be uglybe ugly

true dialogue requires negotiationtrue dialogue requires negotiation

not gladiationnot gladiation

so, go ahead. so, go ahead. dive in.dive in. even if you are even if you aredangdangerously close to the edge.erously close to the edge.

keep in mind:keep in mind:opposing viewsopposing views

are nothing more thanare nothing more than dots of informationdots of information

that need to bethat need to beconnectedconnected

if you want toif you want toconnect the dotsconnect the dots

creativelycreativelyask yourselfask yourself 99

criticalcritical questionsquestions

#1#1

what are my concerns?what are my concerns?

have you written down your concerns?have you written down your concerns?

how well can you articulate them?how well can you articulate them?

#2#2

what can i do with thewhat can i do with theopportunity in front of me?opportunity in front of me?

““the quickest way to kindle athe quickest way to kindle afire is to rub two opposingfire is to rub two opposing

opinions togetheropinions together””

~ unknown~ unknown

fire is just one possibilityfire is just one possibility

handling explosive mattershandling explosive mattersis riskyis risky

you have to negotiate the delicateyou have to negotiate the delicatedivide betweendivide between

danger and creativitydanger and creativity

the important lesson:the important lesson:

beautiful resultsbeautiful resultscan occurcan occur

#3#3

what am i willing to do towhat am i willing to do tomake make ‘‘itit’’ work? work?

ask yourself:ask yourself:

what wouldwhat wouldsuccesssuccess

look like?look like?

does it mean you have to windoes it mean you have to wineverything?everything?

at all costs?at all costs?

will winning everythingwill winning everythingmake matters worsemake matters worse

in the long run?in the long run?

bridging the chasm betweenbridging the chasm betweenopposing points of view is aopposing points of view is acenturies-old endeavorcenturies-old endeavor

find a way to build a bridgefind a way to build a bridge

find a larger goalfind a larger goalyou both shareyou both share

meet the other person halfwaymeet the other person halfway

#4#4

what is my first step?what is my first step?

one suggestion:one suggestion:

accept that great minds thinkaccept that great minds thinkdifferentlydifferently

understand that peopleunderstand that peopleprocess informationprocess information

in different waysin different ways

remember this image?remember this image?

thatthat’’s the universe ofs the universe ofinformationinformation

trying to come intotrying to come intothe computerthe computer

that is your brainthat is your brain

some people need tosome people need tosort and categorizesort and categorize

informationinformationbefore they can process itbefore they can process it

andand work towardwork towarda solutiona solution

➡➡ solutionsolution

unfortunatelyunfortunately

sometimes whensometimes whenthe informationthe information

has been sorted andhas been sorted andthe solution has beenthe solution has been

put into place,put into place,itit’’s difficults difficult

for the person to undofor the person to undothe processthe process

then there arethen there areother people who haveother people who havea great big spam filtera great big spam filter

in their brainsin their brains

they focus onthey focus ona few key pointsa few key points

and the rest of the dataand the rest of the datamay not even get intomay not even get into

their analysistheir analysisof a situationof a situation

solutionsolution ☛☛

unfortunatelyunfortunately

they canthey can missmisssome important detailssome important details

the challenge is not tothe challenge is not todismiss either approachdismiss either approach

doerdoer thinkerthinker

meticulousmeticulous sloppysloppy

analystanalyst visionaryvisionary

tacticaltactical strategicstrategic

both approachesboth approachesare essential toare essential toproblemproblem solvingsolving

#5#5

how can i communicate morehow can i communicate morepersuasively?persuasively?

““in true dialogue, both sides are willing toin true dialogue, both sides are willing tochange.change.”” ~ thich nhat hanh ~ thich nhat hanh

what it takeswhat it takes

clear, positiveclear, positivelanguagelanguage

accurateaccurateperceptionsperceptions

appropriateappropriateemotionsemotions

a forward-a forward-looking focuslooking focus

influenceinfluence and and persuasionpersuasionare the human giftsare the human gifts

that separate us fromthat separate us fromthe animalsthe animals

Or it can be ritualized playfighting just like in the animal kingdom

dive in,dive in,dude!dude!

connect the connect the dots!dots!

influence comes in many formsinfluence comes in many forms

consider all the possibilitiesconsider all the possibilities

visualthesaurusvisualthesaurus.com.com

something I learnedsomething I learnedfrom living infrom living in japanjapan::

influence requiresinfluence requirespatience and couragepatience and courage

zen and the art of positivezen and the art of positivepersuasionpersuasion

catch thecatch thewave!wave!

#6#6

do i have the courage to waitdo i have the courage to waitbefore speaking?before speaking?

think before you speakthink before you speak

be reflectivebe reflective

BetterBetterQuestionQuestion

dondon’’t bet be so quickso quick

to disagreeto disagree

listen firstlisten first

dondon’’t bet be so quickso quick say say ““nono””

#7#7

do i have the courage to saydo i have the courage to say““yes, I hear you?yes, I hear you?””

for a true dialogue to occur,for a true dialogue to occur,people have to know theypeople have to know they have been heard. have been heard. llet themet them know.know.

yes, iyes, ihearhearyouyou

letting others know youletting others know you hear and understand theirhear and understand their positions doesnpositions doesn’’t mean yout mean youhave to agree with themhave to agree with them

iiunderstandunderstand

it shows you careit shows you care

tell metell memore.more. ii’’mmlisteninglistening

caring enough to find outcaring enough to find out about theabout the other personother person’’ss position helps to build aposition helps to build a bridgebridge

hang onhang onwhile I getwhile I getthetheengineersengineers

#8#8

do i have the courage todo i have the courage toinnovate rather than regulate?innovate rather than regulate?

sometimes theresometimes there’’s mores more than one correct answerthan one correct answer

offer peopleoffer people

leave the commandsleave the commands behindbehind

optionsoptions recommendationsrecommendations

proposalsproposals a portfolio of ideasa portfolio of ideas

the goal is to land safely. the goal is to land safely. it takes a team.it takes a team.

#9#9

do i have the courage todo i have the courage tomatch my actions to mymatch my actions to my

words?words?

demonstrate,demonstrate,dondon’’t explicatet explicate

““any momentary triumphany momentary triumphyou think you have gainedyou think you have gainedthrough argument is reallythrough argument is reallyaa pyrrhic victory.pyrrhic victory.

““the resentment and ill-willthe resentment and ill-willyou stir up is stronger andyou stir up is stronger andlasts longer than anylasts longer than anymomentary change ofmomentary change ofopinion.opinion.

““it is much more powerfulit is much more powerfulto get people to agreeto get people to agreethrough your actions,through your actions,without saying a word.without saying a word.””

law 9, law 9, the 48 laws ofthe 48 laws ofpowerpower

robert greenerobert greene

conflict andconflict andcconfrontationonfrontationdondon’’t have tot have to

be uglybe uglystop.the.madness.stop.the.madness.

asking theasking thecritical questionscritical questionsis just theis just thebeginningbeginning

managingmanagingconflict andconflict andconfrontationconfrontationis a processis a process

strive for masterystrive for masterytthroughhroughcontinuouscontinuousnegotiationnegotiation

experienceexperiencebrings insightbrings insightand refinementand refinement

next stepsnext steps

smooth seas do notsmooth seas do notmake skillful sailorsmake skillful sailors

~ african proverb ~ african proverb

before youbefore you gogo……

recommended readingrecommended reading

recommended readingrecommended reading

recommended readingrecommended reading

thank youthank you{{let me know what you thinklet me know what you think}}

barbara greenebarbara greenecommunications consultantcommunications consultant

executive coachexecutive coachlecturerlecturer

bgreene@logosconsulting.netbgreene@logosconsulting.net212.268.4791212.268.4791© © barbara greene barbara greene 20102010

picture creditspicture credits

Photo of artPhoto of artinstallation: installation: ““WalkingWalking

Men 99Men 99”” by artist by artistMaya Maya BarkaiBarkai

““Road toRoad toNowhereNowhere”” by by

MaldivianMaldivianDude/flickrDude/flickr

““Close-up of theClose-up of theThinkerThinker””By BrianBy BrianHillegasHillegas

Watch thisWatch thisspace forspace forproper creditproper credit

““Tigers Play-Tigers Play-fightingfighting”” by by

Michael NicholsMichael Nichols© National© National

GeographicGeographic

““Traffic LightTraffic Light(Long(LongExposure)Exposure)””by by RooRooReynolds/FlickrReynolds/Flickr

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““DiveDive”” by byMertzFerdler/flickrMertzFerdler/flickr