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Difficult Conversations

Presented by Diane Pipes, LISW

© 2019 TriHealth Inc. All rights reserved.Copying or reproducing this document is strictly prohibited.

TriHealth EAP 513 891 1627

For employees and their

dependents:

• Assessment and treatment

recommendations

• Counseling

• Crisis intervention

• WorkLife services

For organizations:

• Trainings

• Management

consultation

• Critical incident

response services

TriHealth EAP is part of the Corporate

Health division of TriHealth Healthcare

System. We provide services directly to

employees and to organizations.

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• To define a difficult conversation and the signs that indicate that a difficult conversation is needed.

• To instruct on the seven core principles of having a difficult conversation.

Goals of this Training

• To discuss our comfort level with difficult conversations.

• To discuss three strategies for making a crucial conversation safe.

• To practice three methods for starting a dialogue.

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• Any discussions between two or more people in which

– Opinions strongly differ

– Emotions run strong

– The stakes are high

Difficult Conversations

• We think of difficult conversations as rare and momentous, during times of dramatic change and growth.

• However, most difficult conversations are day-to-day occurrences in most of our lives.

• Nevertheless, they are pivotal conversations with results that change the course of our relationship with that person.

How We Often Handle

a Difficult Conversation

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• We all attempt to handle difficult

conversations the best we can, but often don’t do well, for a variety of reasons:

• The conversations occur spontaneously,

and we feel blindsided and unprepared

• We often feel we only have two choices:

telling the truth or losing the relationship.

• We often avoid the topic, making the situation worse, until the

pressure builds and we explode at the wrong time.

• When upset, the prehistoric part of the brain reacts in “flight or fight,” and we act without thinking.

• We often feel defensive, and verbally attack the other person, doing

damage to our message and the relationship.

“The Single Biggest Problem

in Communication

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--- George Bernard Shaw

Is the Illusion That it Has

Taken Place.”

Quote

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Difficult Conversations

for Supervisors

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• Communication is an essential component to supervising employees.

• Crucial conversations allow us to address problematic behavior in a healthy way, thereby improving services and consistently exceeding the customer’s expectations.

• It allows us to address the individual’s behavior in a way that fosters positive outcomes.

• It helps us nurture an environment that encourages personal growth and enhances the self-worth of each individual who works here.

Crucial Conversations

For Supervisors

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• Addressing safety problems.

• Addressing an employee who makes mistakes consistently.

• Addressing behavior problems such as temper outbursts.

• Addressing poor teamwork, including gossiping & cliques.

• Addressing behavior of a customer or service receiver.

• Addressing anger, frustrations, complaints or concerns.

• Advocating for employees to management and administration.

Core Principles of

Crucial Conversations

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1. Getting unstuck

2. Starting with our hearts

3. Making it safe

4. Mastering our own stories

5. Stating our path

6. Exploring & encouraging others’ paths

7. Moving to action

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1. Getting Unstuck

• The first step is recognizing when we are stuck in a situation.

• This includes being aware of negative feelings (anxiety, fear, stress, anger).

• This also means discovering our own style under stress, which entails either “silence” or “violence.”

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• Silence -- Masking by complimenting or sarcasm, Avoidingby changing the subject, or Withdrawing by walking away

• Violence -- Controlling through monopolizing and “bulldozing,” Labelling through name-calling and insults, or Attacking through belittling and self-righteousness.

2. Starting with Heart

• Before we address the issue with others, we need to examine ourselves.

• It is important to be aware of our own natural tendencies to conflict.

• We need to clarify what we really want for ourselves and ask ourselves “What are my motives?” and “How would I act if this is what I wanted?”

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• Being open to dialogue, and to understanding that our viewpoint is not the complete picture of the situation.

• Finding a mutual purpose for both of us in the conversation

Choosing the Type

of Conversation

• C ontent – The immediate

situation or problem that just occurred. The situation is most appropriate for simple issues where the emotions are in proportion to what occurred.

• P attern – A group of situations that continues to occur.

The discussion doesn’t need to occur after an incident.

• R elationship – The roots of the issue are deeper, such

as issues of respect or trust. Relationship conversations can be the most difficult, and take serious actions.

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3. Making It Safe

• The goal of a crucial conversation is

dialogue: the free flow of relevant information, even when those ideas

are controversial.

• It is therefore essential to build safety

into the conversation.

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• People become defensive because of how something is said, not by

what is said. They respond poorly if they hear attack and criticism.

• We avoid building safety the “wrong way,” by watering down the message, making excuses, or dressing up the content.

• Rather, we build safety by conveying genuine respect for the person

• We find a “mutual purpose:” we set one “high priority” topic to

address and pay attention not to get diverted from that topic.

Learning to Look

• It is important to stay vigilant of both the content and the conditions of the crucial conversation.

• When it’s safe, we can say anything. When not, we “go blind” and can’t listen objectively or take feedback.

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• Monitoring in particular, signs of “silence” or “violence,” and signs the discussion is turning “crucial.”

• Monitoring our own behavior, being vigilant for the appearance of “my style under stress” and correcting it.

• The goal is not to never slip back into the old style; the goal is to recognize and correct the style when we do.

4. Mastering Our Stories

• When incidents occur, we often tell ourselves “stories” about it, that fill in the “why?” and often add negative emotions to the incident, like anger and indignation.

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• We can intervene when we hear ourselves turning to the “story,” and accurately identify the emotions behind it.

• We can “create an alternative “useful” story:

• Perceiving our role in the situation

• Humanizing the other person by viewing reasonable explanations for their behavior

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Watch for 3 Clever Stories

• Victim stories: The message is: “I have done nothing to deserve this behavior; I played no role here.”

• Villain stories: The message is: “The other person is completely at fault because they’re all evil.”

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• Helpless stories: The message is: “I am completely powerless and there’s nothing I can do about this.”

• It is important for us to tell “the rest of the story,” turning we the “victims” into actors, and turning the “villains” into decent and rational humans who can change their behavior

5. Stating Our Path

• S haring our facts, because they are

the least controversial and persuasive.

• T elling our story, i.e. sharing our point

of view or concern in a rational, reasonable way.

• A sking for others’ paths, being open

to hearing a different viewpoint

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• T alking tentatively, acknowledging that our comments are

“as I see it,” but not necessary the full story

• E ncouraging testing, by inviting opposing views in a safe

way, playing “devil’s advocate”

Exercise: Stating Our Path

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• What are some of the “difficult conversations” that occur in the workplace?

• Choose one of the situations we just named

• Using “S.T.A.T.E.,” practice the situation.

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When We Slip Out of Dialogue . . .

• We need to step out of the conversation and make it self.

• We apologize for our role.

• We contrast to fix any confusion or misunderstandings

• We use the acronym C.R.I.B.:

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• C ommit to seek a mutual purpose

• R ecognize the purpose behind the strategy

• I nvent a mutual purpose

• B rainstorm new strategies

6. Exploring Others’ Path

• We then encourage the interviewee to share their viewpoint through the four powerful listening skills:

• A sking open-ended questions,

eliciting answers regarding when, how, and why

• M irroring the feeling(s) expressed

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• P araphrasing their comments in our own words in order to

clarify that we’ve heard them accurately

• P riming them during silences by taking educated objective

“guesses” regarding what they may be experiencing

“The real voyage of discovery lies

not in seeking new landscapes

but in seeing

with new eyes.”

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--- Marcel Proust

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Filling the Pool of Shared Meaning

• We enter conversations with our opinions, feelings, theories, and experiences which makes up our pool of meaning.

• Our goal is to arrive at a “shared pool of meaning,” i.e. those facts we both understand to be true.

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• The pool is created by getting both of our viewpoints out in the open and discussing what we can agree on.

• As the “shared pool” grows, we are exposed to more accurate and relevant information, feel involved and included, and can make more informed choices.

7. Moving to Action

• Decision-making is the final step of a crucial conversation.

• This entails deciding who does what by when

• We continue to stay in dialogue, making the expectations clear

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• We listen to the other person’s view of natural consequences

• We brainstorm solutions together, staying in dialogue.

• We determine how to hold the person accountable to their commitment

Conclusions

When we handle

crucial conversations well, we build stronger

relationships, and are

able to provide better service to our

customers.

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