a 4-week marriage series / journey class / 9:15 am

A 4-WEEK MARRIAGE SERIES / JOURNEY CLASS / 9:15 AM

Worship Series Starting today

• 10 Years CelebrationSun. May 31st, 3:30-5:30 pmSouth Park Church

• International TripAcuna, MexicoDec. 27th- Jan. 2nd

$685 not including transportation

Volunteer Men needed for Women of Faith Event

4 Greeters4 Waiters

Tues, May 19th

6:30-8:00 pm

See R.A. if interested

6 Weeks Starting this Wed. May 13th

Led by Haydens & Braits

Journey Adult Sunday School ClassNew 6 weeks SeriesStarting May 17th

Pray for Greg & Carolyn Kirschner

Short Term MissionsNigeria

Training & Medical help

Marriage StewHow’s Your Marriage Taste?

Conflict: What Do We Fight Over?

“Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.”

Money Sex Work Children Chores Extended Family

Conflict:

Conflict

• A conflict is more than just a disagreement• Conflicts continue to fester when ignore•We respond to conflicts based on our perceptions • Conflicts trigger strong emotions.• Conflicts are an opportunity for growth

Conflict 101

•Manage stress quickly while remaining alert and calm• Control your emotions and behavior• Pay attention to the feelings being expressed as well as the spoken words of others• Be aware of and respectful of differences

The ability to successfully resolve conflict depends on your ability to:

A. We Fight to WinB. We Say Anything- Unbridled Self-

Expression in the name of Honesty

C. We Value Being Right Over Being In A Relationship

I. Ingredients That Spoil (Ways we hurt our marriages)

Volatile Validating Conflict- Avoiding HostileConflict erupts

passionately and are fought on a grand scale

Couples fight politely and are calmer

Couples avoid confrontation and minimize conflicts

Conflicts are laced with insults

Couples have a great time making up

Couples are collaborative in their approach

Couples think it is better to agree to disagree

Criticisms, contempt, defensiveness and

stonewalling (the four horsemen) predominate

Couples are open with each other about their feelings (negative and

positive)

Emphasis is on communication and

compromise

Focus on what they have in common and their shared

values

Unhealthy communication patterns; they don't listen to

each other

Argue but resolves their differences; fights

sprinkled with fondness and humor

Couples validate each other when they fight

(empathetic, understanding)

Minimize their differences; feel their problems will work themselves out

Couples are emotionally detached

In their interactions, there are more positives than

negatives (5:1)


negatives (5:1)


negatives (5:1)

They FAIL to maintain the 5:1 ratio of positivity to negativity in their

interactions








Couples are collaborative

in their approachCouples think it is better to

agree to disagree




positive)


compromise


values


each other








negatives (5:1)


negatives (5:1)


negatives (5:1)


interactions










agree to disagree




positive)


compromise


values


each other





Minimize their differences; feel their problems will work

themselves out



negatives (5:1)


negatives (5:1)


negatives (5:1)

They FAIL to maintain the 5:1 ratio of positivity to

negativity in their interactions










agree to disagree




positive)


compromise


values


each other








negatives (5:1)


negatives (5:1)


negatives (5:1)


interactions


E. We Prefer a Hostile Style of Conflict

Volatile Validating Conflict- Avoiding HostileConflict erupts passionately and are fought on a grand

scale


Couples avoid confrontation and minimize conflicts Conflicts are laced with insults



in their approach

Couples think it is better to agree to disagree



Couples are open with each other about their feelings

(negative and positive)


compromise


values


each other

Argue but resolves their differences; fights sprinkled with fondness and humor

Couples validate each other when they fight (empathetic,

understanding)

Minimize their differences; feel their problems will work

themselves out



negatives (5:1)

In their interactions, there are more positives than negatives

(5:1)

In their interactions, there are more positives than negatives

(5:1)

They FAIL to maintain the 5:1 ratio of positivity to negativity

in their interactions


F. We Don’t Fight Fair:1. Universalizing – Making an unwarranted leap from a specific

situation to a vast generalization using words like “always” and “never”

2. Character Killing – Switching from issues of the conflict to making a personal attack on you spouse. May include sarcasm for a more devastating effect.

3. Cloud Covering – Making a vague foggy accusation instead of being detailed and specific about a complaint.

4. Upping the Ante – Instead of responding to the hurt or anger of your spouse you play “tit for tat” by citing a worse case that’s been done to you.

5. Scatter Bombing – Overwhelming your spouse with a barrage of faults and misdeeds that land all over the map. Dropping into a conversation a huge list of sins (usually unrelated) including everything and the kitchen sink.

6. Moth Balling – Putting an old grievance in storage – for years or decades – and bringing it out at just the right time to hurt your spouse.

7. Spitting in Your Soup – Using passive aggressive comments to lay the guilt on the other party. Often involves sarcasm.


A. There is a Time : Ecc. 3:7; Prov. 15:23B. Wisdom Thru Listening: Prov. 22:17C. Words Can Kill: Gal.5:15D. Look at Yourself: Matt. 7:5E. Deny Our Sinful Nature: Gal. 5:13, 24;

Rom.6:1-14F. Speak out of Service & Love: Gal. 5:13-

14; Eph.4:29G. Speak in Step with the Spirit: Gal.5:25H. Seek Restoration: Gal.6:1-2I. Harness the Power: James 3:5-10J. Deal With It: Eph.4:26-27

II. Cookbook Instructions (Biblical instructions to follow)

5 Styles of Conflict Management

A. Play By the Rules1. Agree that now is a good time to attempt to resolve the conflict. Allow "prime time" when energy is high and motivation is positive, not when you are angry or tired.2. The goal of creative conflict is deeper understanding, not "I win, you lose." There must be an underlying attitude of respect, caring, forgiveness and no harm.3. Check weapons to be sure they are not deadly (no threat, no harm). Do not use an "atomic bomb" when a "squirt gun" will do.4. Discuss the specific issue or specific behavior, not the person, personality or motivation.5. Stay in the present, do not engage in coercion or fault-finding from the past.6. Provide "face-saving" mechanisms. Don't corner the other person. Allow a "time out" if emotion gets too heavy. Then set a time to resume again. An armistice is not surrender.7. When you have come to terms, put the disagreement away until you agree that it needs more discussion.

III. Fresh Ingredients (Ways we can improve our marriage)

B. Move From Gridlock to Dialogue• Soften Your Start-Up• Accept Influence• Repair Effectively• De-Escalate Negativity• Soothe Physiological Responses


C. Know Each Other & Create Shared Meaning

D. Focus on the Positive- Remember the 5:1 Rule

E. Interact FrequentlyF. Solve the SolvableG. Accept Influence… Share Power


Quarter-Talk: and exercise in understanding

IV. Cook It(Exercises to Try This Week)

FACTS

WANTS

JUDGMENTS

FEELINGS

• Start praying together. Begin with 30 seconds of prayer as you go to bed each night. Pray regularly as a family prior to eating. Pick one night a week to pray for your children, your friends, church, and your marriage. Among the enormous benefits that you'll see in your family, the regularity of prayer will make praying in the midst of communication breakdown more probable.• Effective repair is easier to accomplish when there

are Rituals of Connection, or standard and every-day ways the couple connects and feels bonded to each other.


• Begin to recognize the vicious cycle that you both co-create and take ownership of your part in that cycle. Change the cycle by interrupting it, that is, by not giving your usual response, or by stepping back and doing something different. Often this is the very opposite of what you feel like doing in the moment.• Create (together) your own “Rules of Conflict”-

this helps you navigate the conflict more safely & clarity


Summary

a 4-week marriage series / journey class / 9:15 am

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