Intimacy: 4 meetings

Ingredients (last week)

Impediments

Tools

Making Marriage Fun

An average of 13,500 Americans get married every day. Abigail Van Buren says at the top of her list of the ten most common problems she sees in “Dear Abby” letters is: “My wife doesn’t understand me.”

An old Kentucky law states that a wife can’t move the furniture in the house without her husband’s permission. But then a man in Kentucky has restrictions too: he can’t legally marry his wife’s grandmother.

A kiss can last no longer than one second, according to an ordinance in Halethorpe, Maryland.

The most married person in history was probably King Mongut of Siam, the monarch in “The King and I.” He had 9,000 wives and concubines.

New Hampshire has the youngest legal marriage age: 13 for females, 14 for males.

In ancient Greece, the wedding cake of choice was almost always cheesecake doused with honey. The custom in ancient Rome was to break the wedding cake over the head of the bride. And only those children of women who abided by this custom were legally eligible to hold high government office.

One of “Dear Abby’s” most unusual letters came from one wife who evidently didn’t understand her husband. The letter said, “My husband burns the hair out of his nose with a lighted match. And he thinks I’m crazy because I voted for Goldwater.”

I. Characteristics for a Strong MarriageQuestion Husbands Ranking Wives Ranking

1. My spouse is my best friend2. I like my spouse as a person3. Marriage is a long-term

commitment4. Marriage is sacred5. We agree on aims and goals

6. My spouse has grown more interesting

7. I want the relationship to succeed8. An endearing marriage is important

to social stability9. We laugh together10. I am proud of my spouse’s

achievements Adapted from Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer, Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy, Copyright 1991, The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc., reprinted by special permission in Together Forever,Aid Association for Lutherans, Appleton, WI, 1997, p. 25

Question of the Day:

What Blocks Intimacy in Your Marriage?

II. Impediments to Intimacy:

What are they?

1. Emotional Baggage

Emotional Baggage Means...

Being tripped up by my shadow

Living in the pastLiving what I have learnedUnconscious motives

II. Impediments to Intimacy:

What are they?

2. Time

II. Impediments to Intimacy:

What are they?

3. Children

This exercise is meant to create awareness of how easily we can become critical of those we love the most. Keep track of the number of times you answer “Yes” to the following statements.

1. I feel critical toward my partner three times a week or more.

2. I feel critical toward my partner for how he or she looks.

3. I feel critical toward my partner for how he or she talks.

4. I feel critical toward my partner for how he or she relates to others.

5. I feel critical toward my partner for his or her values.6. I feel critical toward my partner for his or her

household habits.7. I wish my partner were more like me.

8. I think my partner is capable of changing in the ways that I want.

9. I think my partner behaves in certain ways just to annoy me.

10. I find it hard to forgive my partner for not living up to all of my expectations.

11. I find it hard to accept the ways in which my partner is different from me.

12. My parents often criticized me when I was a child.13. My partner often accuses me of being critical.14. I wish I were more accepting of my partner.15. One (or both) of my parents often criticized the

other.

II. Impediments to Intimacy:

What are they?

4. Hidden Anger…sarcasm, negativity,

depression, moodiness...

James 1: 19-20

My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God’s eyes.

II. Impediments to Intimacy:

What are they?

5. Distorted Thoughts

Distorted Thought Mean...Cognitive Distortions:groupthinkovergeneralizationpersonalizationabstractionothers...

Psychological Defenses(all created for a purpose)

Denial Repression Suppression Projection

Rationalization Intellectualization

Dissociation Conversion

Question of the Day:

What Blocks Intimacy in Your Marriage?

II. Impediments to Intimacy:

What are they?

6. Unresolved Conflicts

Role Relationship Quiz

On separate sheets of paper, each rate the following statements based on your personal thoughts and feelings.

1 = Strongly disagree 2 = Disagree 3 = Undecided 4 = Agree 5 = Strongly agree

1. Husbands should share in household duties equally.2. Husbands should have the final say on

important decisions.3. Husbands should be willing to cook, clean and do the same household tasks as their wives.4. Husbands should be the head of the family.5. A husband’s occupation should be the first priority in determining where a couple will live.

6. Some of the tasks one does around the house should be based on one’s skills and interests.7. If she wants, a wife should be able to keep her maiden name after marriage.8. A husband should be as willing to adapt his lifestyle as his wife is.9. If they want to work, wives should be

encouraged and supported by their husbands.10. When children are young, their mother should stay home and care for them.

Scoring:Now, total your points for questions 1, 3, 6, 7, 8 & 9 Total_________

Then, subtract your total points for questions 2, 4, 5 & 10 Total_______

Total________ Then, add 24 to that total ________

Now you have your score: Your score ________ Your partner’s score________

Use the following chart to interpret your scores. Interpretation of Scores:

Very Egalitarian41-50 Generally Egalitarian36-40 Transitional31-35 Generally Traditional21-30 Very Traditional10-20

II. Impediments to Intimacy:

What are they?

7. Power & Control

Control Kills Oneness If you are controlling your spouses

freedom and separateness, you are no longer an object of love. You have become two things your spouse will rebel against because it is a part of God’s plan. You have become the master of a slave, and you have become a parent. A spouse was never intended to be either.

Cloud/Townsend

Question of the Day:

What Blocks Intimacy in Your Marriage?

II. Impediments to Intimacy:

What are they?

8. Male & Female Differences

Male & Female Differences...

Male & Female Differences...

CommunicationSexPleasureLearning Style

II. Impediments to Intimacy:

What are they?

9. Immaturity

An Adult...• Takes Responsibility (for

feelings, actions, choices, thoughts, values, love)

• Requires Ownership- for self & other

• Values Treasures- of self & other• Understands that “You are not

me”

An Adult...• Sees the Other as a Person-

Not Object• Allows the Other’s Experience• Allows the Other to be

Different• Respects Freedom- of space

II. Impediments to Intimacy:

What are they?

10. Unmet Needs

Needs Are DifferentDr. Willard Harley, a Massachusetts psychologist, surveyed the basic needs of men and women in marriage and found that the needs are completely different.

The top five basic needs of the female in marriage are:

1. Affection2. Communication3. Openness/Honesty4. Financial Support5. Family Commitment

The male’s top five basic needs are:

1. Sexual Fulfillment

2. Recreational Companionship

3. An Attractive Wife

4. Domestic Support

5. Admiration

III. Creating Greater Intimacy

Intimacy grows when...

• We risk greater openness

• We learn to be emotionally present

• We develop a high degree of caring

• We have a climate of trust built on fidelity and continuity

• We Feel Safe!

III. Creating Greater Intimacy

• Learning from the therapy relationship

• Learning from the process of therapy

Question of the Day:

What Blocks Intimacy in Your Marriage?