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Phelan,ThomasW.,author.1-2-3magic:effectivedisciplineforchildren2–12/ThomasW.Phelan,PhD.—Sixthedition.

pagescmIncludesbibliographicalreferencesandindex.(tradepaper:alk.paper)—(hardcover:alk.paper)1.Disciplineofchildren.2.Childrearing.3.Parenting.I.Title.HQ770.4.P4852016

649’.1—dc23

2015021612

ToEileen

CONTENTSPrefaceIntroduction:Parenting:LongHours,NoPay,ExcellentBenefits

Part I: Building a Solid Foundation for ParentingChapter1:OrientationtotheParentingProfessionChapter2:YourJobasaParentChapter3:ChallengingtheLittleAdultAssumptionChapter4:AvoidingtheTwoBiggestDisciplineMistakes

Part II: Controlling Obnoxious Behavior: Parenting Job 1Chapter5:GettingResultsthroughCountingChapter6:AdviceforNearlyAnyCountingChallengeChapter7:DiscipliningYourChildinPublicReal-LifeStory1:TheCaseoftheTemperTantrumTerrorist

Chapter8:HowtoHandleSiblingRivalry,Tantrums,Pouting,andLyingReal-LifeStory2:TheIncredibleCaseoftheTravelingTroublemakers

Chapter9:GettingStartedwithCounting

Part III: Managing Testing and ManipulationChapter10:RecognizingtheSixTypesofTestingandManipulationChapter11:TalesfromtheTrenches

Part IV: Encouraging Good Behavior: Parenting Job 2Chapter12:EstablishingPositiveRoutinesChapter13:GettingUpandOutintheMorningChapter14:CleaningUpandChoresChapter15:SurvivingSuppertimeChapter16:TacklingtheHomeworkProblem

Chapter17:GoingtoBed—andStayingThere!Real-LifeStory3:TheCaseofBedlamatBedtime

Chapter18:ManagingYourExpectations

Part V: Strengthening Your Relationships with Your Children: Parenting Job 3Chapter19:SympatheticListeningReal-LifeStory4:TheCaseoftheFickleFriends

Chapter20:TheDangersofOver-ParentingChapter21:RealMagic:One-on-OneFunChapter22:SolvingProblemsTogether

Part VI: Enjoying Your New Family LifeChapter23:StayingConsistentChapter24:YourHappy,HealthyFamily

AppendixAbouttheAuthor

PREFACEA NUMBER OF YEARSagoayoungmomcameintomyoffice.Shewasasinglemotherofthreeandshewasthirty-threeyearsold.WhenshesatdownandIhadagoodchancetolookather,IcouldseethatSarahlookedlikeshehadbeenrunoverbyatruck.

WhenIaskedtheyoungwomanwhathadbroughtherintoseeme,shesaid,“Dr.Phelan,Idon’twanttogetoutofbedinthemorning.It’s horrible. I just lie there, pull the covers over my head, andcringe.”

“Whydon’tyouwanttogetup?”Iasked.“The thoughtofgettingmythreekidsupandreadyforschool is

horrible. It’s absolutely horrible!” she said. “They don’t cooperate,theyfight,theytreatmelikeI’minvisible.Iscream,Iyell,Inag.Thewholethingissoupsettingthatitruinsmyday.Ican’tconcentrateatwork and I’m depressed. Then the nextmorning I have to do it alloveragain.”

AfteraskingSarahmorequestionsanddoingabriefhistoryofherlife,Iaskedifshe’dliketolearn1-2-3Magic.“I’lldoanything!”shesaid.

Sarahmeant what she said. I taught her 1-2-3Magic. She wenthome and told the kids thingswere going to be different. The kidssmirkedandlookedatherlikeshewasnuts.

Overthenextfewweeksthisyoungmothermadebelieversoutof

her three children. She used counting for sibling rivalry anddisrespect.Sheusedsomeofour“Start”behaviortacticsforpickingup, homework, and—most importantly—getting up and out in themorning.Shealsoemployedsympatheticlisteningandsharedone-on-onefunasbondingstrategies.

Sarah was a trouper. As she revolutionized her home life, westartedspacingoutour sessionssinceshedidn’tneed tocome inasoften.

OnedayearlyinJanuary,Sarahcameinforherlastvisit.Shenolongerlookedlikeshe’dbeenrunoverbyatruck.Asshesatdown,Iaskedherhowthingsweregoing.

“Reallywell,”shesaid.“Well, that’s saying something,” I pointed out, “especially since

youjustspenttwoweekswithyourkidsoverChristmasvacation.”“Yep,itwentwell,”shesaid.“I’vecomealongway.”Then she hesitated. “But you know something?” she added. “I

didn’t realizehowfar I’dcomeuntil after theywentback to schoolafterChristmasvacation.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”Iasked.A little teary, shepaused, then said, “Imissed them for the first

timeinmylife.”

What Can 1-2-3 Magic Do for You?

Ifyouareraisingyoungchildren,the1-2-3Magicprogrammightbeyourtickettoeffectiveandenjoyableparentingforseveralreasons:

1. Thebookhassoldmorethan1.6millioncopies.2. 1-2-3Magichasbeentranslatedintotwenty-twolanguages.3. Over the lastseveralyears,1-2-3Magichasconsistentlybeen

thenumberonechilddisciplinebookonAmazon.com.

4. Theprogramisdad-friendly.5. It’sevidence-based—thatmeansitworks.

For Best Results

This edition of1-2-3 Magic describes straightforward methods formanaging the behavior of children from the ages of approximatelytwototwelve,whetherthey’reaverageorspecial-needskids.Youcanactually start at about eighteenmonths with a typically developingchild.Togetthebestresults,keepinmindthefollowing:

1. The strategies should be used exactly as they are describedhere,especiallywithregardtotheNoTalkingandNoEmotionRules.

2. If both parents are living at home, ideally both adults shoulduse the program. If one parent refuses to use 1-2-3 Magic,however, the other parent can still use it on his or her own(while hoping, of course, that the partner or spouse is doingsomethingreasonablewiththekids).

3. Single, separated, and divorced parents can use our methodseffectivelybythemselves. It ispreferable ifallparents—eveniftheyareindifferentlocations—areusingthesameprogram,but that isn’t always possible. In fact, single parents greatlybenefitfromasimpleandeffectivesystemlike1-2-3Magic.Ifyou are parenting on your own, you are very likely to feeloverloaded,andyoudon’thavealotoftimetospendlearningdiscipline programs. Also, because you’re by yourself, youcannotaffordtobeinefficientinmanagingyourchildren.Youonlyhavesomuchenergy!

4. Grandparents,babysitters,andothercaregivershavealsofoundthe 1-2-3 program very helpful in managing young children.

Actually,many grandparents first discovered 1-2-3Magic ontheirownandthenshareditwiththeirchildren.Inaddition,wehear more and more these days that grandparents are raisingtheirgrandchildrenthemselves,andtheseadultsoftenfind1-2-3Magictobealifesaver.

5. Makesureyourkidsare ingoodphysicalhealth. It is awell-known fact that illness, allergies, and physical pain canaggravatebothbehavioralandemotionalproblemsinchildren.Regularphysicalexamsforthekidsareofcriticalimportance.It’salsoimportanttoknowandrespectyourchildren’snaturaldaily rhythms regarding food, sleep, and bathroom. A childwhomissedanap,who feelshungry,orwhohas togo to thebathroomcanbemuchmorechallengingtoparent.

A Note about Psychological Evaluation andCounseling

Someparentsmaywonder:Whenintheprocessofusing1-2-3Magicisitnecessarytogetamentalhealthprofessionalinvolved?

Psychologicalevaluationandcounselingarerecommendedbeforeusing1-2-3Magic ifanychildhasahistoryofexcessiveseparationanxiety,physicalviolence,orextremelyself-punitivebehavior.Thesechildren can be very difficult to manage during the initial testingperiodwhentheyarestilladjustingtothenewdiscipline.

If your family iscurrently incounseling, thisprogramshouldbediscussedwith the counselor before you use it. If your counselor isnotfamiliarwith1-2-3Magic,takeacopyofthisbook,theDVD,ortheaudioCDforhimorhertobecomefamiliarwith.

Psychological evaluation and counseling are recommendedafterusing1-2-3Magicif:

1. Marital instability or conflict is interferingwith the effectiveuseofthemethods.1-2-3MagicisnormallyanexcellentwaytogetMomandDadonthesamepageindealingwiththekids.Sometimes just a few counseling sessions can help right theship.

2. OneorbothparentsareincapableoffollowingtheNoTalkingandNoEmotionRules. (Seechapter4.)Lifestressors,aswellasproblemssuchasanxietyanddepression,canmake ithardforsomeparentstocalmdownenoughtoeffectivelyuse1-2-3Magic. Drug and alcohol use can also make moms and dadsvolatile,obnoxious,andineffective.

3. Behaviorproblems,aswellastestingandmanipulationbythechild, are continuing at too high a level for more than threeweeks after starting the program. Your child was hard tomanagebefore1-2-3Magic.Nowhe’sbetter,butyoustillfeelmanaging him is too much of a grind. Check it out with aprofessional.

4. Trustyourinstincts.Here’sagoodruleof thumb:ifyouhavebeen worrying about a particular problem in your childformore than six months, that’s too long. See a mental healthprofessionalandfindoutifthereis,infact,somethingwrong.If there is, try to fix it or learn how tomanage it. If there’snothingwrong,stopworrying.

Seriouspsychologicalandbehavioralproblemsinyoungchildrenfrequentlyincludepersistentdifficultieswiththefollowing:

• Payingattentionorsittingstill• Language development, social interaction, and restricted

interests• Negative,hostile,anddefiantbehavior• Excessiveworryingorunusualanxietyaboutseparation

• Lossofinterestinfunactivitiesandirritability• Excessiveverbalandphysicalaggression• Disregardforage-appropriatenormsandrules• Unexpectedlearningdifficulties

INTRODUCTION

Parenting: Long Hours, No Pay, ExcellentBenefits

“CAN I HAVE ATwinkie?”“No,dear.”“Whynot?”“’Causewe’reeatingatsixo’clock.”“Yeah,butIwantone.”“Ijustsaidyoucouldn’thaveone.”“Younevergivemeanything.”“What do you mean I never give you anything? Do you have

clotheson?Istherearoofoveryourhead?AmIfeedingyouintwoseconds?”

“YougaveJoeyonehalfanhourago.”“Listen,areyouyourbrother?Besides,heeatshisdinner.”“IpromiseI’lleatmydinner.”“Don’t give me this promise, promise, promise stuff, Monica!

Yesterday—at four thirty—you had half a peanut-butter-and-jellysandwichandyoudidn’teatanythingatdinner!”

“THENI’MGOINGTOKILLMYSELFANDTHENRUNAWAYFROMHOME!”

Welcome to 1-2-3 Magic

Parenting isoneof themost important jobs in theworld,and it canalsobeoneof life’smostenjoyableexperiences.Smallchildrenareengaging,affectionate,entertaining,curious,fulloflife,andfuntobearound. For many adults, parenting provides profound and uniquebenefitsunequaledbyanyotherareaoflife.

Yet being amom or a dad can also be unbelievably frustrating.Repeat theTwinkiescenemore thana thousand timesandyouhaveguaranteed misery. In extreme but all-too-common situations, thatmisery can become the source of emotional and physical abuse.That’snowayforanyone—childoradult—tolive.

Children don’t come with a How-To-Raise-Me training manual.That’swhythereisaprogramlike1-2-3Magic.The1-2-3programiscurrently being used all over the world by millions of parents(including single and divorced), teachers, grandparents, day carecenters, babysitters, summer camp counselors, hospital staff, andother child caretakers, all ofwhom areworking toward the goal ofraisinghappy,healthychildren.

The 1-2-3 program is also being taught and recommended bythousandsofmentalhealthprofessionalsandpediatricians.Atparent-teacherconferences, teachers recommend1-2-3Magic totheparentsoftheirstudents(andsometimesparentsrecommend1-2-3MagicforTeacherstotheteachers!).

Whyall theenthusiasm?Asoneparentput it, “1-2-3Magicwaseasytolearnanditgavemeresults.IwentbacktoenjoyingmykidsandbeingthekindofmotherIknewIcouldbe.”Morethantwenty-fiveyearsafterthelaunchoftheprogram,we’rehearingfromparents

todaywhosay,“Mykidsweregreatkidsandnowthey’reniceadults.Weenjoybeingwiththem.”

1-2-3Magic helps childrengrowup to be self-disciplined adultswhoarecompetent,happy,andabletogetalongwithothers.Inotherwords, it helps produce emotionally intelligent people—peoplewhocanmanage theirownfeelingsaswellasunderstandandrespond totheemotionsofothers.

Themethodsdescribedinthisbookareeasytomasterandyoucanstart the program right away. Depending on whether you use thebook,theaudioCD,orthetwoDVDs,thetechniquetakesaboutthreeto four hours to learn.Anyone can use 1-2-3Magic—all it takes isdeterminationandcommitment!

How to Get Started

Whenyoufinishlearningthe1-2-3Magicprogramitisagoodideatostart practicing it immediately.Talkwith your spouse or partner, ifbothofyouarelivingathome,andthengetgoingrightaway.Ifyouare a single parent, take a deep breath and then explain the drill toyourchildren.Dothesamethingifyou’reagrandparent.Ifyoudon’tstartrightaway,youmaynevergetaroundtoit.

After learning 1-2-3 Magic, you will know exactly what to do,whatnot todo,what tosay,andwhatnot tosay in justabouteveryone of the common, everyday problem situations you run intowithyour kids. Because 1-2-3 Magic is based on only a few basic butcriticalprinciples,youwillnotonlybeabletorememberwhattodo,youwillbeabletodoitwhenyouareanxious,agitated,orotherwiseupset(whichformanyofusparentsiseveryday!).Youwillalsobeabletobeakindbuteffectiveparentwhenyouarebusy,inahurry,orotherwisepreoccupied.

What to Expect When You Begin the 1-2-3 Program

Whenyoustart1-2-3Magic,yourrelationshipwithyourchildrenwillchangequickly.Butthereisgoodnewsandbadnews.Thegoodnewsis that initially about half of all kids will fall into the “immediatecooperator”category.Youstarttheprogramandtheycooperaterightaway—sometimes“justlikemagic.”Whatdoyoudo?Justrelaxandenjoyyourgoodfortune!

The bad news is that the other half of the kidswill fall into the“immediatetester”category.Thesechildrenwillgetworsefirst.Theywillchallengeyoutoseeifyoureallymeanbusinesswithyournewparenting ideas. If you stick to your guns, however—no arguing,yelling, or hitting—you will get the vast majority of these littletestersshapedupfairlywell inaboutaweektotendays.Thenwhatdoyoudo?Youstartenjoyingyourchildrenagain.

Believeitornot,youmaysoonhaveamuchmorepeacefulhomeandmore enjoyablekids.Youwill goback to liking and respectingyourselfasaparent—anditcanallhappenintheforeseeablefuture!

Beforewegetintothedetailsofthe1-2-3programandParentingJob1,controllingobnoxiousbehavior,weshouldidentifysomeveryimportantconceptsthatarethefundamentaltounderstandinghow1-2-3Magicworks:

1. Themosteffectiveorientationto—orphilosophyof—parenting(chapter1).

2. Thethreebasicparentingjobs(chapter2).3. T h edangerous assumption parents, teachers, and other

caretakersoftenmakeaboutyoungchildren(chapter3).4. Thetwobiggestdisciplinemistakesmadebyadults(chapter4).

PART I

Building a Solid Foundation forParentingCHAPTER 1

Orientation to the Parenting Profession

CHAPTER 2Your Job as a Parent

CHAPTER 3Challenging the Little Adult Assumption

CHAPTER 4Avoiding the Two Biggest Discipline Mistakes

1

ORIENTATION TO THE PARENTINGPROFESSION

How to Prepare for the World’s Most ImportantJob

THERE’S NO WAY TO know what parenting is like until you do it.Whatever thoughts youmay have had about becoming amom or adad, bringing that first child home is a jolt—a big jolt. The onlyguarantee is that raisingyourchildwillbemoredifficult,andmorerewarding,thanyoucouldeverhaveexpected.

1-2-3Magicisbasedontheideathatparentingshouldbelookedatasaprofession.Inotherwords,sometrainingwillmakethejobmucheasier. But that training shouldn’t have to take years or involvebringingtonsofbookshomefromthelibrary.Onebookshoulddoit.

Ground Rules for Effective Parenting

The place to start is with your basic parenting philosophy—youroverallorientationtothejob,whichprovidesthegroundrules.Eventhough the job changes as the kids get older, effective parents havetwoimportantqualities.Theyare:

1. Warmandfriendlyontheonehand.2. Demandingandfirmontheother.

Beingwarmandfriendlymeanstakingcareofkids’emotionalandphysicalneeds.Itmeansfeedingthem,keepingthemsafe,warm,andwell clothed, and making sure they get enough sleep.Warmth andfriendliness also mean being sensitive to the children’s feelings:sharing their joyoveranewfriend,comforting themwhen their icecream falls on the ground, listening sympathetically when they’reangryattheirteacher,andenjoyingtheircompany.

Beingwarmandfriendlyalsomeansliking—notjustloving—yourchildren.

The other important parental trait, beingdemanding and firm, ismeant in thegood sense.Goodparents expect something from theirkids.Theyexpectgoodbehaviorinschool,respecttowardadults,hardwork on academics, effort in sports, and relationships with friendsthat include sharing and kindness. They expect their children tofollow the rules, to do things for other people, and to sometimesconfrontissuesthatarehardorscary.

In other words, effective parents expect their children to rise tolife’s challenges (asyouknow, there areplenty!) and to respect therulesandlimitsthatwillberequiredfortheirbehavior.

These two parental orientations, warm-friendly and demanding-firm,mightatfirstseemcontradictory.Theyarenot.Somesituationscallforone,somefortheother,andsomesituationsrequireboth.For

example,whatifyourdaughter,Megan,slapsherbrother,Jon?Timefor the demanding side of parenting. But if Megan feeds the dogwithoutbeingasked?Timeforthewarmside.

What if it’s time for bed? Both friendly and firm sides arenecessary.Thefriendlysidemightmeansnugglinginbedwithachildfor fifteen minutes of story time before lights-out. The demandingside,ontheotherhand,mightmeanrequiringthekidstogetreadyforbed(teeth,bathorshower,pajamas,andsoon)beforestorytimecanhappen.Andatnineo’clock, firmmeans lights-out.No ifs,ands,orbuts.

Themessagesthisparentingphilosophysendstochildrenare:

1. Warm-friendly:IloveyouandI’lltakecareofyou.2. Demanding-firm:Iexpectsomethingfromyou.

Why are both the warm-friendly and demanding-firm attitudestowardyourchildrennecessary?Fortworeasons.Thefirstreasonissimple: fun! Itwould be nice if you could enjoy the childrenwhilethey are growing up in your household. Kids are energetic, cute,exciting, and fun, and you can have great times with them you’llneverforget.

KeyConcept

Research has shown that effective parents are warm and friendly on the onehand, but also demanding and firm on the other. Both orientations are critical to

raising emotionally intelligent and mature kids.

Thesecondreasonisabitsad.Youwantyourchildrentogrowup,leave home someday, and make it on their own. Warm anddemanding, therefore, also meansencouraging and respecting yourkids’ growing independence . Friendly and firmmeans not hoveringandnotbeingoverprotective.Itmeansgivingchildrenachancetodothingsmoreandmoreontheirownastheygetolder.Whenouroldestwalked fiveblocks tokindergartenon the first dayof school, Iwassurehewasnevercomingback.Hecamebackjustfine,andIlearnedalessonaboutindependenceandabouthisgrowingcompetence.

Automatic vs. Deliberate Parenting

Youmightsaytherearetwokindsofparentingmodes:automaticanddeliberate. Automatic parenting includes the things you dospontaneously without really thinking (and with no real training),such as picking up and comforting a sobbing two-year-oldwho hasjustfallendown.Comfortinganupsetchildisapositiveexample,butautomatic parenting can also include actions that aren’t so useful,suchas screamingat a seven-year-oldwhokeepsgettingoutofbedbecauseshesaysshehearsanoiseinhercloset.

Here’swhatyou’llwanttodowiththe1-2-3Magicprogram:

1. Hang on to your positive automatic parenting habits. You’llfind thatsomeofyourbeneficialparentingmovesarealreadypartof theprogram, suchasbeingagood listenerorpraisingyourkids’efforts.

2. Identify your automatic parenting habits that are harmful,useless, or upsetting. As you read through this book, decide

how you’ll replace these negative actions with deliberate,respectful,andmoreuseful1-2-3Magicstrategies.

3. Practice, practice, practice!Work hard and thoughtfully untilthe new methods become automatic. Because 1-2-3 Magicworkssowell,ittendstobeself-reinforcing,whichmakesthedeliberate-to-automaticconversionmucheasier.

Automaticparentingincludesanothercriticallyimportantactivitythatyoudo all the time:modeling.Childrenaregreat imitators,andthey learn a lot by just watching the way you behave. If you arerespectful toward others, your kidswill tend to be the same. If youscreaminfuryduringfitsofroadrage,ontheotherhand…Well,yougettheidea.

QuikTip

Identify your automatic parenting habits that are harmful, useless, or upsetting. Asyou read 1-2-3 Magic, decide how you’ll replace these negative actions withdeliberate, respectful, and more useful strategies.

The goal, therefore, is effective, automatic parenting. Thisapproachtakessomeconcentrationandeffortinthebeginning,butinthe end it’s a whole lot less work.And you and your family are awholelotbetteroff!

CHAPTERSUMMARY

2

YOUR JOB AS A PARENT

Three Things You Can Do to Raise Happy,Healthy Kids

WE HAVE THREE SEPARATE parenting jobs that require differentstrategies.Eachof these parenting jobs is distinct,manageable, andimportant.Theyalsoareinterdependent;eachreliestosomeextentontheothersforitssuccess.Ignoreanyofthesetasksatyourownrisk!Dothesethreewell,andyou’llbeaprettygoodmomordad.Thefirsttwo parenting jobs involve discipline and behavior concerns, whilethethirdfocusesontheparent-childrelationship.

• ParentingJob1involvescontrollingobnoxiousbehavior.Youwillneverlikeorgetalongwellwithyourchildreniftheyareconstantly irritating you with behavior such as whining,arguing, teasing,badgering, tantrums,yelling,andfighting. Inthis book you will learn how to use the 1-2-3 counting

technique to control obnoxious behavior, and you will bepleasantlysurprisedathoweffectivethatsimpletechniqueis!

• Parenting Job 2 involvesencouraging good behavior.Encouraginggoodbehavior—suchaspickinguptoys,goingtobed, being courteous, and doing homework—requires moreeffort by parents (andmore effort fromkids to engage in theencouragedbehavior) thancontrollingdifficultbehaviordoes.In this book, you will learn seven simple methods forencouragingpositiveactionsinyourkids.

• ParentingJob3 isstrengthening your relationshipwith yourchildren. Some parents merely need to be reminded ofParenting Job 3; other parents have to work hard atremembering to do it. Paying attention to the quality of yourrelationshipwithyourchildrenwillhelpyouwithJobs1and2,andviceversa.

Howdoourthreeparentingjobsrelatetothewarmanddemandingparentingtraits?Asyoumayhaveguessedalready,thetacticforJob1, controlling obnoxious behavior, depends almost entirely on thedemandingparentrole.There’snotmuchwarmorfuzzyaboutit!Job3, however, will rely almost entirely on the warm side of theparenting equation.And finally, Job 2, encouraging good behavior,willemploybothwarmanddemandingstrategies.

QuikTip

Some parents only need a simple reminder about Parenting Job 3: strengtheningyour relationship with your children. However, other parents have to work hard atremembering to do it.

Stop vs. Start Behavior

Whenitcomestodiscipline,childrenpresent twobasicproblemstoadults, and these two problems define the first two parenting tasks.Whenwearefrustratedwithourchildren,thekidsareeither(1)doingsomething negativewewant them toStop (likewhining), or (2)notdoing something positive we would like them toStart (like gettingdressed). In 1-2-3Magic, we call these two kinds of things “Stop”behavior and “Start” behavior. In the hustle and bustle of everydayexistence, you may not have worried much about the differencebetween Start and Stop behaviors, but—as we’ll soon see—thedistinctionisextremelyimportant.

Parenting Job 1: Controlling Obnoxious Behavior

Parenting Job 1, and the first step in getting your family back ontrack, is controlling your children’s obnoxious behavior, or Stopbehavior. Stop behavior includes frequent, minor, everyday issues,such as whining, disrespect, tantrums, arguing, teasing, fighting,pouting,yelling, and soon.Stopbehavior—inandof itself—ranges

from mildly irritating to pretty obnoxious. Each of these difficultbehaviorsmaynotbesobadon itsown,butadd themallup inoneafternoon and by 5:00 p.m. youmay feel like hitchhiking to SouthAmerica.

For Stop behavior, such as whining, arguing, screaming, andteasing, use the1-2-3, or “counting”procedure.Counting is simple,gentle,anddirect.

StrategiesforControllingObnoxiousBehavior

For Stop behavior, such as:WhiningTeasingArguingPoutingYelling

Tantrums

Use the 1-2-3 or “counting” procedure.

Parenting Job 2: Encouraging Positive Behavior

The second parenting job is to encourage your children’s positivebehavior,orStartbehavior.Startbehaviorincludespositiveactivitieslikecleaningrooms,doinghomework,practicingthepiano,gettingupandoutinthemorning,goingtobed,eatingsupper,andbeingnicetootherpeople.YouhaveaStartbehaviorproblemwhenyourchild isnotdoingsomethingthatwouldbeagoodthingtodo.

For Start behavior problems, you will have a choice of seventactics, which can be used either one at a time or in combination.These tactics arepraise, simple requests, kitchen timers, the

dockingsystem,naturalconsequences,charting, andthecountingvariation. Start behavior strategies, as you can probably guess,requirealittlemorethoughtandeffortthancountingdoes.

StrategiesforEncouragingGoodBehavior

For Start behavior, such as:Picking up

EatingHomework

BedtimeUp and out in the morning

Use praise, simple requests, kitchen timers, the docking system, naturalconsequences, charting, and the counting variation.

Choosing Your StrategyWhythedifferenceinstrategiesbetweenParentingJobs1and2?Theanswerliesintheissueofmotivation.Ifsheismotivated,howlongdoes it take a child to terminate an irritating Stop behavior likewhining, arguing, or teasing? The answer is about one second. It’sreally not a big project.Depending on how angry or oppositional achild is, ending an occurrence of obnoxious behavior doesn’t taketonsofeffort.

Butnow lookatStartbehavior.How longdoes it takeachild toaccomplishsomethingconstructive,likeeatingdinner?Maybetwentyto twenty-five minutes. To pick up after himself? Perhaps fifteenminutes.Toget ready forbed?Twenty to thirtyminutes.Ready forschool? Thirty minutes. Homework? Schoolwork might takeanywherefromfortyminutestothreeyears.Soit’sobviousthatwithStartbehavior,moremotivationisrequiredfromthechild.Hehastobegintheproject,keepatit,andthenfinish.Andtheprojectisoften

something the child is not thrilled about having to do in the firstplace.

Inaddition,ifencouragingpositivebehaviorinkidsrequiresmoremotivationfromthekids, it’salsogoingtorequiremoremotivationfrom Mom and Dad. As you’ll soon see, putting an end to Stopbehavior by counting is relatively easy if you do it right. Startbehaviorrequiresmoresophisticatedtactics.

Inmanagingabehavioraldifficultywithoneofyourchildren,youwill need to first determine if you have a Stop or a Start behaviorproblem. “Is the issue something I want the child to quit? Or is itsomething Iwanthimorher togetgoingon?”Sincecounting is soeasy,parentssometimesmakethemistakeofusingcountingforStartbehavior (for example, counting a child to get her to do herhomework).

As youwill soon see, counting producesmotivation that usuallylastsonlyashorttime(fromafewsecondstoacoupleofminutes)inchildrenanddoesnotprovidethelastingmotivationneededtogetachildtocontinuedesiredbehavior.Ifyoumixupyourtactics(suchasusing the counting technique for homework), you will not getoptimumresults.

Butdon’tworry.Thiswholeprocedureissosimplethatyou’llbeanexpertinnotime.Effectivedisciplinewillstarttocomenaturallyand—believeitornot—yourkidswillstartlisteningtoyou.

Parenting Job 3: Strengthening Your Relationships

Yourfinalparentingjobistoworkonstrengtheningyourrelationshipwith your kids. This means making sure that screen time does notreplace face-to-face time. More importantly, strengtheningrelationshipsmeans thatyouvalueenjoyingoneanother’scompany.Itiscriticaltoyourfamily’swell-beingandtoyourkids’self-esteem

thatyoulike(notjustlove)yourchildren.Whatdoes“liking”yourchildrenmean?Here’sanexample.It’sa

Saturday and you’re home by yourself for a few hours—a rareoccurrence!Everyonehasgoneout.You’re listening to somemusicandjustputteringaround.Youhearanoiseoutsideandlookouttoseeacarpullingupinthedriveway.Oneofyourkidsgetsoutandheadsforthefrontdoor.

Howdoyoufeelinyourgutrightatthatmoment?Ifit’s“Ohno,thefun’sover!”thatmaynotbelike.Ifit’s“Ohgood,I’vegotsomecompany!”that’smorelikelike.

Likingyourchildrenandhavingagoodrelationshipwiththemisimportantforlotsofreasons.Themostimportantreasonmaybethatit’s simplymore fun.Kids arenaturally cute and enjoyable a lot ofthetime,andyouwanttotakeadvantageofthatvaluablequality.Andtheyonlygrowupwithyouonce.

StrategiesforStrengtheningYourRelationships:

Practice sympathetic listeningAvoid over-parenting

Join in one-on-one funSolve problems together

Next up? Inchapter 3 we’ll examine the strange and amazinglydisruptive idea that adults carry around in their brains about smallchildren.

CHAPTERSUMMARYHaveyoueverfeltoverwhelmedbytheimportanceandmagnitudeofthejobofparenting?Fromnowon,justfocusonmanagingdifficult

behavior, promoting positive behavior, and strengtheningrelationships. That focus will make the task feel much moremanageable.Therestofthetime?Justbeyourself!

3

CHALLENGING THE LITTLE ADULTASSUMPTION

Why You Need to Remember That Kids AreJust Kids

THERE IS AN ENCHANTING but troublesome idea that parents andteacherscarryaroundintheirheadsaboutyoungchildren.Thisnaiveassumption—or wish—causes not only discipline failures, but alsostormyscenes thatcan includephysicalchildabuse.The ideawe’retalkingaboutisknownasthe“LittleAdultAssumption.”

TheLittleAdultAssumption is the belief that kids are basicallyreasonableandunselfish.Inotherwords,they’rejustsmallerversionsofgrown-ups.Andbecausetheyarelittleadults, thereasoninggoes,whenever childrenmisbehave, the problemmust be that they don’thave enough information in their heads to be able to do the rightthing.Thesolution?Simplygivethemthefacts.

Imagine,forexample,thatatexactly4:12p.m.youreight-year-oldson is teasing his five-year-old sister for the eighteenth time sincethey got home from school.What should you do? If your boy is alittleadult,yousimplysithimdown,calmlylookhimintheeye,andexplain to him the three golden reasonswhy he shouldn’t tease hissister.Firstofall,teasinghurtsher.Second,itmakesyoumadathim.Third—andmost important—howwould he feel if someone treatedhimlikethat?

Nowimaginefurther thatafter thisexplanationyoursonlooksatyou—his face brighteningwith insight—and he says, “Gee, I neverlookedatitlikethatbefore!”Thenhestopsbotheringhissiblingforthe rest of his life. That would certainly be nice, but any veteranparentorteacherknowsthatdoesn’thappen.Kidsarenotlittleadults.

Thecrucialpointhereisthis:grown-upswhowanttobelievetheLittle Adult Assumption are going to rely heavily onwords andreasons in dealingwith young kids.And by themselves,words andreasons are going to be miserable failures much of the time.Sometimes explanations will have absolutely no impact at all. Atothertimesadultattemptsatenlightenmentwilltakeparentandchildthroughwhatwecallthe“Talk-Persuade-Argue-Yell-HitSyndrome.”

QuikTip

Adults who believe in the Little Adult Assumption are going to rely heavily onwords and reasons in trying to change the behavior of young kids. And wordsand reasons are going to be miserable failures much of the time.

Imagine this: your child is doing something you don’t like. Aparentingbook saidyou should talk theproblemoutnomatterhowlongit takes.Soyoutrytellingyourfive-year-olddaughterwhysheshouldn’t be disrespectful. She doesn’t respond, so you next try topersuadehertoseethingsyourway.Whenpersuasionfails,youstartarguing.Arguing leads to a yellingmatch, andwhen that fails, youmayfeelthereisnothingleft todobuthithertogettheresultsyouwant.

Actually, thevastmajorityof the timewhenparents scream,hit,and spank their children, the parent is simply having a tempertantrum.Thetantrumisasignthat(1)theparentdoesn’tknowwhattodo,(2)theparentissofrustratedthatheorshecan’tseestraight,and(3)thisadultmayhaveananger-managementproblem.

We’re not implying that you go around hitting your kids all thetime. However, the chief cause of child abuse (physical abuse, notsexual)maybetheLittleAdultAssumption.Aparentreadsinabookthat reasoning is the preferred method. When reasoning fails, theparentresortstophysicalviolence,becausehisfavoritestrategyisn’tworkinganddesperationhassetin.

The acts of talking and explaining certainly have their place inraising children.But kids are just kids—not little adults.Years agoonewritersaid,“Childhoodisaperiodof transitorypsychosis.”Shemeant thatwhen theyare little,kidsare—inaway—basicallynuts!They are not born reasonable and unselfish; they are bornunreasonableandselfish.Theywantwhattheywantwhentheywantit,andtheywillhaveamajorfitiftheydon’tgetit.Consequently,itis the parent’s job—and the teacher’s job—to help kids graduallylearnfrustrationtolerance.Inaccomplishingthisgoal,adultsneedtobegentle,consistent,decisive,andcalm.

Caution

One explanation, if really necessary, is fine. It’s the attempts at repeatedexplanations that get adults and kids into trouble. Too much parent talking irritatesand distracts children.

Howdo you do that?You start by changing your thinking aboutchildrenandbygettingridoftheLittleAdultAssumption.Togetthiscrazyandharmfulnotionoutofparents’heads,weuseabitofwhatwe call “cognitive shock therapy.”Although it may sound strange,think of it like this: instead of imagining your kids as little adults,thinkofyourselfasawildanimaltrainer!Ofcourse,wedon’tmeanusing whips, guns, or chairs. And we certainly don’t mean beingnasty.

Butwhatdoesawildanimal trainerdo?Hechoosesamethod—which is largely nonverbal—and repeats it until the “trainee” doeswhat the trainerwants.The trainer is patient, gentle, andpersistent.Our job in thisbook is topresent some trainingmethods toyou, sothat you can repeat them until the trainees (your children) dowhatyouwantthemto.

Fortunately,youdonotusuallyhave to repeat thesemethods forvery long before you get results.And you can gradually add moretalking and reasoning into your strategy as the kids get older. Butremember this: one explanation—if necessary—is fine. It’s theattempts at repeated explanations that get adults and children introuble.

From Dictatorship to Democracy

The overall orientation of 1-2-3 Magic is what you might call“dictatorship to democracy.”When your kids are little, your houseshouldbeprettymuchabenigndictatorshipwhereyouarethejudgeandjury.Yourfour-year-old,forexample,cannotunilaterallychoose—at seven thirty in themorning onWednesday—to skip preschoolbecauseshewantstostayhomeandplaywithhernewbirthdaystuff.

KeyConcept

Noncompliance and lack of cooperation in children are not always due to lack ofinformation. Kids are not little adults or simply small computers, so raisingchildren involves training as well as explaining.

Whenthekidsareintheirmidtolateteens,however,yourhouseshould be more of a democracy. Teenagers should have more sayabouttherulesthataffectthem.Youshouldhavefamilymeetingstoironoutdifferences.Evenwhenthekidsareteens,though,whenpushcomes to shove, who’s paying the mortgage? You are. And whoknows better than the kids what’s good for them? You do. Whennecessary, you have a right—and a duty—to impose limits on yourchildren,eveniftheydon’tlikeit.

Toomanyparentsthesedaysareafraidoftheirchildren.Whataretheyafraidof?Physicalattack?Notusually.Whatmanyparentsfearisthattheirchildrenwon’tlikethem.So,inaconflictsituation,theseparents explain and explain and explain, hoping the child will

eventuallycomearoundandsaysomethinglike,“Gee,Ineverlookedatitlikethatbefore.”Alltoooften,theseparentaleffortssimplyleadtotheTalk-Persuade-Argue-Yell-HitSyndrome.

What if you have children who always respond to words andreasons?Youarecertainly lucky!Recentresearchhas indicated thatthereareexactlythreesuchchildreninthecountry.Ifyouhaveoneormore of them, you may not need this book. Or, if your kids stoprespondingtologic,youcanconsiderusingthe1-2-3program.

Sowhatisthetrainingmethodwe’retalkingabout?Wefirsthavetoexplainwhatitisnot.

CHAPTERSUMMARYWhat’swrongwiththispicture?

4

AVOIDING THE TWO BIGGESTDISCIPLINE MISTAKES

The Dangers of Too Much Talking and TooMuch Emotion

THE TWO BIGGEST DISCIPLINE mistakes that parents and othercaretakers make in dealing with young children are (1) too muchtalkingand(2)toomuchemotion.Thinkingofkidsaslittleadultsandthen chattering away during a situation requiring discipline is badbecause excessive explainingmakes kidsless likely tocooperate byirritating,confusing,anddistractingthem.EndlesschatteralsoleadstotheTalk-Persuade-Argue-Yell-HitSyndrome.

Butwhyistoomuchadultemotionbadduringdiscipline?Peopletodaytellyouto“letitallhangout”andshowyourfeelings.“Expressyourself and don’t keep it all inside” seems to be the universalrecommendationofmodernpsychology.

Isthisagoodsuggestionifyouareaparent?Onehalfofitisgood

advice and the other half is not. The good half is this: if you arefeeling positively toward a child, by allmeans let it show.Expressyouraffectionordoleoutsomepraise.Thebadhalfofthelet-it-all-hang-outadviceappliestotimeswhenyouareirritatedorangrywithyour children. Cutting loose at these moments can be a problem,becausewhenweparentsaremadweoftendothewrongthing.Angryadults can yell, scream, belittle, and nag. They can also physicallyendanger their kids. The 1-2-3 program is as much a control onparentalangerasitisacontrolonchildren’sbehavior.

Why Your Kids Like to Upset You

There is another reason why too much emotion can interfere witheffectiveparentingandeffective teaching.Whentheyare little,kidsfeel inferior to adults. They feel inferior because theyare inferior.They are smaller, less privileged, less intelligent, less skillful, lessresponsible, and lessof just about everything than their parents andthe older kids are.And this “lessness” bugs them a lot. They don’tlike it. They like to feel they are powerful and capable of makingsomemarkontheworld.

QuikTip

If your little child can get big, old you all upset, your upset is the big splash forhim. Your emotional outburst accidentally makes your child feel powerful.

Watchyour two-year-olds.Theywant to be like those cool five-year-olds,whocandoa lotmoreneat things.The five-year-olds, inturn, want to be like the cool ten-year-olds.And the ten-year-oldswanttobelikeyou.Theywanttodrivecarsandusecellphonesandcredit cards (and some do!). They want to have an impact on theworldandtomakethingshappen.

Have you ever seen a small child go down to a lake and throwrocksinthewater?Childrencandothatforhours,partlybecausethebigsplashesareasignoftheirimpact.Theyaretheonescausingallthecommotion.

“Whatdoesthishavetodowithwhathappensatmyhouse?”youmay ask. Simple. If your little child can get big, old you all upset,yourupsetisthebigsplashforhim.Youremotionaloutbursthastheunintended consequence of making your child feel powerful. Hisreactiondoesnotmeanthathehasnoconscienceorisgoingtogrowuptobeaprofessionalcriminal.It’sjustanormalchildhoodfeeling.

Havingallthatpowertemporarilyrewards—orfeelsgoodto—theinferior part of the child. Parentswho say, “It drivesme absolutelycrazy when she eats her dinner with her fingers!Why does she dothat?”may have already answered their own question. Shemay dothat—atleastpartly—becauseitdrivesMomandDadcrazy.

An important rule, therefore, is this: If you have a childwho isdoingsomethingyoudon’tlike,getreallyupsetaboutitonaregularbasisand,sureenough,she’llrepeatitforyou.

When itcomes todiscipline,youwant tobeconsistent,decisive,and calm. Sowhatwe recommend in this book is that you apply—during moments involving conflict or discipline—what we call the“NoTalking andNoEmotionRules.” Sincewe’re all human, thesetworules reallymeanvery little talkingandvery littleemotion.Butthese rulesareabsolutelycritical toyourdisciplinaryeffectiveness.

There are discipline systems other than the 1-2-3 program, but youwill ruin any of them by talking toomuch and getting too excited.These two mistakes, of course, usually go hand in hand, and theemotioninvolvedisusuallyanger.

Some parents and teachers can turn off the talking and theemotionalupsetlikeafaucet,especiallyoncetheyseehoweffectiveitistokeepquietattherighttime.Otheradultshavetobitetheirlipsbloody to get the job done. I saw a T-shirt a while back that said,“Helpme—I’m talking and I can’t stop!”Lots ofmoms, dads, andteachershavetoremindthemselvesoverandoverandoveragainthattalking, arguing, yelling, and screaming not only don’t help, butactuallymake thingsworse. These “tactics”merely blow off steamforafewseconds.If,afteramonthtosixweeksofusing1-2-3Magic,parentsfindthattheycan’tshakethesehabits,it’stimetofacefacts.Some sort of outpatient evaluation and counseling is indicated (fortheadult,notthechild!).

Remember,we’re talkinghere primarily about negativeor angryemotionandtalk—notpositive.Goodparentsdoexpresswarmthandaffection for their kids. They do listen sympathetically when thechildrenareupset.Disciplineandparent-childconflictsituationsarewhereyoureallyhavetowatchyourself.

CHAPTERSUMMARY

PART II

Controlling Obnoxious Behavior

ParentingJob1CHAPTER 5

Getting Results through Counting

CHAPTER 6Advice for Nearly Any Counting Challenge

CHAPTER 7Disciplining Your Child in Public

CHAPTER 8How to Handle Sibling Rivalry, Tantrums, Pouting, and Lying

CHAPTER 9Getting Started with Counting

5

GETTING RESULTS THROUGHCOUNTING

Sometimes Your Silence Speaks Louder ThanYour Words

WHEN YOUR KIDS ARE acting up, you now know what you’re notsupposedtodo:getexcitedandstartchattering.Butjustwhatareyousupposedtodo?

Tohelpwithyourfirstgiantparentingjob—controllingobnoxiousbehavior—you’ll use the 1-2-3, or counting, procedure.Counting issurprisinglypowerfulanddeceptivelysimple,butyouhave toknowwhat you’re doing for this process to be most effective. In thebeginning,keeptwothingsinmind:

• First, you will use the counting method to deal with Stop(obnoxious or difficult) behavior. In otherwords, youwill becounting for things like arguing, fighting, whining, yelling,tantrums,andsoon.Youwillnotusethe1-2-3methodtogetthechildupinthemorning,togethertodoherhomework,or

tomotivatehertopracticethepiano.• Second,ifyouarenewto1-2-3Magic,afteryoulearnhowto

dothe1-2-3process,youwillbeskeptical.Theprocedurewillseem too easy, and it may not appear aggressive or toughenough.Someofyouwillthink,“Hey,youdon’tknowmykid.Heisawildman!”

Don’t worry about feeling skeptical. Remember, the 1-2-3programissimple,butitisnotalwayseasy.The“magic”isnotinthecounting. Anyone can count. The magic—or what may seem likemagicafteryou’vedoneitforawhile—isintheNoTalkingandNoEmotionRules.Watchingyoufollowtheserulesmakeschildrenthinkandtakeresponsibilityfortheirownbehavior.

QuikTip

Use counting only for Stop behavior, not for Start behavior.

Ofcourse,therereallyisnomagicin1-2-3Magic—itjustseemsthatway.Theprogramrepresents thecareful, logical,andpersistentextensionofaspecialbehavioral technology to thegentledisciplineand trainingofchildren.Soon—whenconflictswithkidsarise—youwillfeellikeanewperson:consistent,decisive,andcalm.

Introduction to Counting

Howdoesthe1-2-3processwork?Imagineyouhaveafour-year-oldchildwho is having amajor temper tantrumon thekitchen floor at6:00p.m.becauseyou—inyourhardnessofheart—wouldnotlethimuse his favorite electronic device right before dinner. Your son isbanginghisheadonthefloor,kickingyournewkitchencabinets,andscreaming bloodymurder.You are sure the neighbors can hear thenoiseallthewaydowntheblock,andyou’reatalossaboutwhattodo.

Yourpediatrician toldyou to ignoreyourson’s temper tantrums,butyoudon’t thinkyoucanstand it.Yourmother toldyou toputacoldwashclothonhisface,butyouthinkheradviceisstrange.And,finally,yourhusbandtoldyoutospanktheboy.

Noneoftheseisanacceptablecourseofaction.Instead,youholdupone finger, lookdown at your noisy little devil, and calmly say,“That’s1.”

He doesn’t care. He’s insane with rage and keeps the tantrumgoing full blast.You let five seconds go by, then you hold up twofingersandsay,“That’s2.”That’sallyousay.Butyougetthesamelousyreaction;thetantrumcontinues.Soafterfivemoreseconds,youholdupthreefingersandsay,“That’s3.Takefive.”

Now what does all this mean? It means that your son was justgiven two chances—the first two counts—to shape up. But in thisinstanceheblewit.Hedidn’tstoptheundesirablebehavior.Sothereisgoingtobeaconsequence.Theconsequencecanbea“restperiod”or “time-out” (aboutoneminuteperyearof the child’s life), or theconsequencecanbewhatwecall a “time-out alternative” (lossof aprivilegeortoyforaperiodoftime,bedtimefifteenminutesearlier,forty cents off the allowance, no electronic entertainment for twohours,andsoon.)

QuikTip

What is going to happen in a relatively short time is this: you’ll start getting goodcontrol—believe it or not—at 1 or 2. And that is going to make you feel reallygood!

Let’simaginetheconsequenceyouchooseisarestperiodortime-out.Afteryousay“That’s3.Take five,” thechildgoes to time-out.(Someofyouarewondering,“HowdoIgethimthere?”Thatquestionwillbeansweredinthenextchapter.)

After the time-out is served, you will not believe what happensnext.Nothing!Notalking,noemotion,noapologies,no lectures,nodiscussions.Nothing is said unless the behavior is new, unusual, ordangerous.

Youdo not say, for example, “Now, are you going to be a goodboy? Do you realize what you’ve been doing to your mother allafternoon?Whydowehave togo through this all the time? I’m sosickandtiredofthisthatIcouldscream!Yoursisterdoesn’tbehavethisway,andyourfather’scominghomeinhalfanhour.DidGodputyouonearthtodrivemecrazyorwhat?”

Tempting as this lecturemight be, you simplykeepquiet. If thechild behaves, praise him and enjoy his company. If the child doessomethingelsethat’scountable,countit.

In a relatively short time, you’ll start getting good control—believeitornot—whenyoucountto1or2.Andwewillpromiseyouthis:The first timeyou stop a fight between twoof yourkids from

acrosstheroom,andallyouhavetodoissay,“That’s1”or“That’s2,”andyoudon’thave togetuporyellor screamordo somethingworsethatyou’llbesorryforlater…thefirsttimeyoudothat,you’regoingtofeelreallygood!

Someparentsask,“Mychildalwaystakesusto2.Don’tyouthinkhe’smanipulatingus?”Theanswerisno.Why?Becausewhatreallydrives people crazy is 42! Or 72—a child who has to be told athousand times before he’ll shape up. Two times is not so bad.Remember,ifthechildhits3,that’sit—timeforatime-out.

QuikTip

If your child does something dangerous or extreme, don’t count and give themthree chances to stop. Go straight to 3!

Otherparentsask,withgoodreason,“Whatifmysonordaughterdoessomethingthat’ssobadIdon’twanttogivethemthreechancestostopdoingit?”That’sagoodquestion.Forexample,whatifyourchildhitsyou?Inthatcase,itwouldberidiculoustosay,“That’s1,”andgivehimtwomorechancestosockaway.Ifinyouropinionthebehaviorisextraordinarilybad,yousimplysay,“That’s3.Takefive,andaddfifteenmorefortheseriousnessoftheoffense.”

Let’slookatanotherexample.Whatifyourseven-year-oldlearnsabadwordontheplayground?Hedoesn’tknowwhatitmeans,buthewantstotryitoutonyou.Soateightthirtywhenyousayit’stimeto

get ready for bed, he replies, “You blankity-blank!” Same thing.“That’s 3. Take five, and add fifteen more for the rotten mouth.”Whenthatchildreturnsfromtime-out,ashortexplanationwillbeinorderconcerningwhatthewordmeantandwhyhecan’tuseitinyourhouse. Remember: explanations are appropriate when a child’smisbehaviorisnew,unusual,ordangerous.

That’s it. That’s the essence of counting. Counting is extremelysimple,direct,andeffective.Butnowyouarethinkingthattheremustbeacatch.Andguesswhat?Thereis.

Counting Challenges

Occasionally I have run into parents who say, “We went to yourworkshop about eight weeks ago, and we enjoyed it.We have twofairly difficult kids, aged seven and five.When we went home wewere very surprised. 1-2-3 Magic worked, and our children weremuchbetterbehaved.Butthatwastwomonthsago.The1-2-3methodisnotworkinganymore.Weneedanewdisciplineprogram.”

KeyConcept

When you talk too much, you switch your child’s focus off the need for goodbehavior and on to the possibility of an enjoyable argument.

What’stheproblemhere?Ninetypercentofthetimetheproblemis that the parents “forgot” theNo Talking andNo Emotion Rules.Adultscanslipuplikethiswithoutevenbeingawareofit.Rememberourfour-year-oldtantrumartistandtheelectronicdevice?Here’showthatscenemightsoundif theparent isunwittinglytalkingtoomuchandgettingtooexcitedwhileattemptingtocountthechild’soutburst:

“That’s 1. Come on now, I’m getting a little tired of this.Whycan’tyoudoonelittlethingforus—LookatmewhenI’mtalkingtoyou, youngman! OK, that’s 2. Onemore and you’re going to yourroom,doyouhearme?I’msickandtiredofyouwhiningandfussingover every little thing you can’t have.Onemore and that’s it.Yoursisterneverbehavesthisway…Yourfather’scominghomeinhalfanhour! OK, enough! That’s 3. Take five. BEAT IT! OUT OF MYSIGHT!”

Whatwasthat?Thatwasaparentaltempertantrum.Nowwehavetwotantrumsgoingoninthesamekitchen.Thisadult’soutburstwasnot the 1-2-3 program at all. What’s wrong with what this angryparentjustdid?Threethings.

If you do “communicate” like this parent just did,what you arereallysayingissimplythis:“Let’sfight!”Andyoudon’thavetohavea kid withADHD (attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder) or ODD(oppositionaldefiantdisorder)orCD(conductdisorder)—you’restillgoingtogetafight.Plentyofkidswouldrathercutofftheirleftlegthan lose a good battle of words. Unwise attempts at talking orpersuadingareguaranteedtotakeachild’sfocusoffthepossibilityofgoodbehaviorandputitontheprospectofanenjoyableandenergeticargument.

Second, many difficult children do have ADHD. That doesn’tmean they don’tget enough attention. It means they can’tpayattention.Facedwiththathugemassofadultwords,howisanADHDchild—oranyotherchild, for thatmatter—supposed topickout themost important parts, which are the counts or warnings? He can’t.

Childrencan’t respondproperly towarnings if theydon’thear themclearlyinthefirstplace.

Finally, even if you forget all the emotion involved, asMomorDadtalksmoreandmore,theirbasicmessagechanges.Whenaparentgiveslotsandlotsofreasonstoachildregardingwhyheshouldshapeup,therealmessagebecomes:“Youdon’thavetobehaveunlessIcangive you five or six good reasons why you should. And, gee, Icertainlyhopeyouagreewithmyreasons.”

This is not discipline. Theword describing this “strategy” startswith the letterB. It’sbegging.When you beg like this, you are (1)trying to think for your child, (2) taking the responsibility for hisbehavior,and(3)reallycaughtupintheLittleAdultAssumption.

What’s the average child going to do? He’s going to take issuewithyour reasons. “Katie doesn’t alwaysdowhat you say.Daddy’snotcominghomeinhalfanhour.”Nowyouhave, ineffect, left thediscipline ballpark and you’re out in the street arguing. The mainissue—yourchild’sbehavior—hasbeenforgotten.

So if the child is acting up, it’s “That’s 1.” (Bite your tongue.)Then, ifnecessary,“That’s2” (Easydoes it;keepquiet),andsoon.Countfirmlybutrespectfully;yourvoicecanbecasualorevenalittlestern. Remember that the magic is not in the counting. It’s in thepregnantpauserightafterthewarning.Inthatmoment—iftheadultkeepsstill—theresponsibility for thechild’sbehavior fallssquarelyonthechild’sownshoulders.Youwouldn’twantitanyotherway.

When it comes to counting, your silence will speak louder thanyourwords.

Our Famous Twinkie ExampleOur famous Twinkie example will help you better understand theworkingsofthe1-2-3program.Thisisasituationalmostallparentshave experienced at one timeor another, andyoumay remember itfromthebeginningoftheintroductiontothisbook.Momiscooking

dinnerat5:45p.m.whenher eight-year-olddaughterwalks into thekitchen:

“CanIhaveaTwinkie?”“No,dear.”“Whynot?”“Becausewe’reeatingatsixo’clock.”

Isthereanythingwrongwiththisconversation?No.Thechildasksa clear question and the parent gives a clear answer. The problem,however, is that somekidswon’t leave it there.Theywill press theissuefurtherbyaddinginawhinyvoice,“Yeah,butIwantone.”

Whatisthisparentgoingtodonow?She’salittleaggravatedandshe’s already given the necessary explanation. Should she repeatherself?Elaborateonheranswer?Keepquiet?Giveareprimand?

Let’splaythissituationthroughinthreescenes.InSceneI,we’llhaveamotherwhobelievesthatkidsarelittleadults,andthatwordsand reasonswillwork everything out.We’ll seewhat happenswiththatapproach.

Then,inSceneII,ourmotherwillbegettingsmarter.Shewillbestartingtousecounting,butthechildwon’tbeusedtoityet.

InScene III, themotherwillbeusing the1-2-3method,andherdaughterwillbeusedtotheprogramandknowhowtorespondtoit.

SCENEI:STARRINGTHEMOTHERWHOBELIEVESKIDSARELITTLEADULTS

“CanIhaveaTwinkie?”“No,dear.”“Whynot?”“’Causewe’reeatingatsixo’clock.”“Yeah,butIwantone.”“Ijustsaidyoucouldn’thaveone.”“Younevergivemeanything.”“What do you mean I never give you anything? Do you have

clotheson?Istherearoofoveryourhead?AmIfeedingyouintwoseconds?”

“YougaveJoeyonehalfanhourago.”“Listen,areyouyourbrother?Andbesides,heeatshisdinner.”“IpromiseI’lleatmydinner.”“Don’t give me this promise, promise, promise stuff, Monica!

Yesterday—at four thirty in the afternoon—you had half a peanut-butter-and-jellysandwich,andyoudidn’teatanythingatdinner!”

“THENI’MGOINGTOKILLMYSELFANDTHENRUNAWAYFROMHOME!”

“WELL,BEMYGUEST.I’MSICKOFTHIS!”Youcan seewhere trying to talk at thewrong time canget you.

ThougheverythingMomsaidwastrue,hertalkingmadethesituationworse.

Inthenextscene,Momisgettingsmarterandstartingtousethe1-2-3program,butit’snewandthechildisstillgettingusedtoit.

SCENEII:STARRINGTHEMOTHERBEGINNINGTHE1-2-3PROGRAM“CanIhaveaTwinkie?”

“No,dear.”“Whynot?”“Becausewe’reeatingatsixo’clock.”“Yeah,butIwantone.”

“That’s1.”

“Younevergivemeanything!”“That’s2.”“THENI’MGOINGTOKILLMYSELFANDTHENRUNAWAY

FROMHOME!”“That’s3.Takefive.”Momdidmuchbetter.The temporarilyunhappychilddisappears

forarestperiod,andtheepisodeisover.How’sitgoingtogowhenthechildismoreusedtocountingand

realizesthattestingandmanipulationareuseless?

SCENEIII:THE1-2-3AFTERTHECHILDISUSEDTOCOUNTING“CanIhaveaTwinkie?”

“No,dear.”“Whynot?”“Becausewe’reeatingatsixo’clock.”“Yeah,butIwantone.”“That’s1.”(Pause.)“Oh,allright.”(Grumpyexitfromkitchen.)GoodworkbyMomagain.Shedoesn’thavetocountthegrumpy

“Oh,allright”becausethecommentisminorandthechildisleavingthesceneofthecrime.Ifthechildhadsaid,“Oh,allright,youstupid

jerk!”therewouldbeanautomatic3andthegirlwouldbeofftoherroomforalongertime-out.

Is ignoring the child’s badgering an option? Perhaps, if (1) thechild quickly gets the message and drops the issue and if (2) theparentcanstandit.Butingeneral—andespeciallyinthebeginning—countingisbest.

The Benefits of Counting

There are a lot of benefits to using the 1-2-3 program to managedifficultchildhoodbehavior.Herearejustafewofthem.

Energy Savings!The 1-2-3 method will save you a lot of breath—and a lot ofaggravation. Parents and teachers say counting makes discipline awhole lot less exhausting. Give one explanation, if absolutelynecessary,andthencount.Noextratalkingandnoextraemotion.Youstay calmer and you feel better—about your child and yourself—whenyougetagoodresponseat1or2.

When isanexplanationormore talkingabsolutelynecessary? Inthoseinstanceswhentheprobleminvolvedissomethingnewthatthechild does not understand, when his behavior was unusual ordangerous,orwhenyoureallyneedmoreinformationfromhimaboutwhathappened.

Here’s an example. Your seven-year-old son has been learningtrampolineingymclassandhelovesit.Afterschoolhecomeshome,takes off his shoes, and attacks the couch in the living room.He’sjumpingupanddownandtryingtodoflips.Youentertheroom,seewhat’s going on, and are somewhat startled. You say, “That’s 1.”Yoursonsays,“WhatdidIdo?”

QuikTip

Give one explanation, if absolutely necessary, and then count. No extra talkingand no extra emotion. You stay calmer and you feel better.

Isanexplanationinorder?Yes.He’sneverbeentrampoliningonyourcouchbefore.Youtellhimthatalthoughhetookoffhisshoes,which you appreciate, you’re afraid he’ll hurt himself or ruin thecouchandthat’swhyyoucounted.Goodexplanation.

When is an explanationnotnecessary? Imagine that a fewhourslater on the same day, the same seven-year-old—for no apparentreason—giveshisyoungersisteramedium-sizedshoverightinfrontof you.You say, “That’s 1.”He growls, “WHATDID IDO?”Yousay, “That’s 2.” This is pure defiance, not a real question. Do youneed to explain that he just shoved his sister? Of course not. Anexplanationherewouldsimplyinvitetheboytoarguewithyou.Andthiskidsoundslikehe’sreadyforanargument!Arguebackandyouhavejustleftthedisciplineballparkagain.

More Affection, More FunIt’s sad to say,but inmany families, carelessattemptsatdisciplinetake up lots and lots of time. The Talk-Persuade-Argue-Yell—andsometimesHit—syndrome can run its course in less than aminute,butitcanalsooccupyhoursandhours.Duringthistimeeveryoneisagitatedandangry.Parentsdonotliketheirkids,andkidsdonotliketheirparents.

Withthe1-2-3method, theissueisusuallysettledinamatterof

seconds.Arethechildrenfrustratedwhentheyarecountedanddon’tgettheirway?Ofcourse,buttheygetoveritmorequicklythantheywouldifyouandtheyspentanhourorsotryingtopersuade,argue,andyelleachotherintosubmission.Aftercounting,thingsquicklygoback to normal.You can enjoy your kids and they can enjoy you.There is not onlymoretime for fun and affection, but you alsofeelmorelikehavingfunandbeingaffectionate.

Your Authority Is Not NegotiableYouwouldgocrazyifyouhadtonegotiate—everyday—issueslikegetting up, going to school, going to bed, homework, whining, andsiblingrivalry.Butyoushouldn’thave to,becauseyouare theboss.As a matter of fact, as a parent you must frustrate your kids on aregular basis, becauseyou can’t possiblygive themeverything theywant.

Manyparentscomplicatetheirjobofdisciplinebytryingtobetoonice.Inotherwords,theysettwogoalsforthemselvesinsteadofjustone.Theirfirstgoalistodisciplinetheirchildren,whichisfine.Buttheirsecondgoalistogetthekidstolikeit!LikethemotherinSceneIof thefamousTwinkieexample, theparents talkandtalkandtalk,waitingforthechildrentosaysomethinglike,“Gee,Ineverlookedatit like that before.Thanks for taking the time to explain it tome. Iappreciateyoureffortstoraisemetobearesponsiblechild.”

Let’sgetreal.There’stheLittleAdultAssumptionlurkinginthebackoftheparentalbrainagain.Ifyourchilddoeslistenallthetimeand more talking seems to help, fine. You’re lucky. But withfrustrated children that is not usually the case. Too often all thattalkingescalatestoarguingandworse.

The Punishment Is Short and SweetThe 1-2-3 Magic program is a control on the kids, but it’s also acontrol on the parents. As a parent, it’s not always easy to be

reasonable, especially when you’re angry. These days there is anargumentabouttheuseofpunishmentinraisingkids.Somevotefornopunishmentatall; somevote for limitedpunishment;and, sadly,someparentsarejustplainbrutalandtakepunishmenttoofar.

I once spoke with a mother who was court-ordered to see mebecause she’d poured Drano down her four-year-old’s throat oncewhenthechildtalkedbacktoher.Ialsoknewafatherwhosetfiretohis daughter’s doll in the kitchen sink (after dousing the thingwithlighter fluid) after a long argument about homework. These areexamplesofcruel,unusual,andstupidpunishments.

Though the vast majority of parents will never come close totaking such ridiculous and nasty measures, they may still bevulnerable to episodes of yelling, name-calling, belittling, or evenrough physical tactics. But with 1-2-3Magic the consequences arereasonable,well-defined,andjustpotentenoughtodothejob.

Are time-outs and time-out alternatives punishments? Yes. Buttheyarenotcruel,unusual,orstupid.Atime-outisalsoachanceforeveryonetocalmdown.Thesebriefandreasonableconsequencesdonotmakethechildsomadthathewantswar.Withthisregimen,forexample,mostkidscomebackfromtime-outhavingforgottenaboutthewholething.Andyouastheparentarenotallowedtobringupandrehash what happened—unless absolutely necessary—so that alsohelpsthehousequicklyreturntonormal.

Sowhat’sthebottomline?Istherearoleforpunishmentinraisingchildren? Yes, but mild, reasonable punishment administered by anon-tantrumingparent.

Easy for Other Caretakers to LearnThe 1-2-3 program is easy enough to learn that you can trainbabysitters,grandparents,andothercaregiverstouseit.Parentswhoare using 1-2-3 at home often tell their child’s teachers about theprogram. In turn, teacherswhouse1-2-3Magic inclassoftenshare

theideawithparentswhoarestrugglingwiththeirchild’sbehaviorathome.

When kids get the samemessage from everyone at home and atschool, this cross-situational consistency makes the program muchmorepowerfulandeasierforthechildrentolearn.Whetherathomeoratschool,“That’s1”means“You’redoingsomethingwrong,andit’stimetoshapeup.”

We have found that home-school coordination of the 1-2-3program is especially helpful with behaviorally difficult children.Whenbothparentsandteachersusecountingfairlyandconsistently,andwhentheyalsorespecttheNoTalkingandNoEmotionRules,wehave seenpositive changes take place in the behavior of someverychallengingkids.

Time-Out Alternatives (TOAs)

Forvariousreasons,theremaybetimeswhenyoudonotwanttousea time-out as the consequence for a child arriving at a count of 3.Perhapsthereisn’ttimeforarestperiodwhenyou’redashingoutthedoorinthemorning.Perhapsyoufeelyouwantaconsequencewithalittle more clout, or perhaps you want a consequence that fits thecrime. The judicious use of time-out alternatives can be of greatvalue.HerearesomeTOApossibilities:

• Earlierbedtime• Nodessertortreat• Nouseofphone• Nofriendover• Noconversation—fifteenminutes• RemovalofDVD,iPod• Reducedcomputertime

• LossofTVforevening• Lossofelectronicgames—twohours• Monetaryfine• Smallchore—washbathroomsink• Largerchore—weedyard• Writeaparagraph

Groundings,fines,chores,andlosseslikethesecanbeveryusefulasconsequences,andtherearemanyotheroptions.Thelistoftime-out alternatives is limited only by your imagination. Remember tokeep thepunishments fair and reasonable.Yourgoal is to teach thechildsomething,nottobecruelorgetrevenge.

Consequencescanalsobewhatsomepeoplecalllogicalornatural,which means the punishment fits the misbehavior. Throwing afootballinthehouse,forexample,mightresultinthefootballbeingtakenaway.Oracountof3mightmeanthelossofanicecreambarthat was dripping on the car seat. The TV can be turned off ifwarningstoturnthevolumedownareignored.

Inapplyingnaturalconsequences,rememberthatkidsarestilljustkids. Exasperated lectures from you along the lines of “Well, thiswouldn’t have happened if you’d have simply listened tome in thefirstplace”areunnecessary.Unnecessaryconversationfromyoualsointerferes with your child’s ability to appreciate the connectionbetweenhisbehavioranditsconsequences.

CHAPTERSUMMARYWecanusecountingforlotsofthings:

Pluslotsmore!Whining,arguing,yelling,teasing,throwingthefootballinthehouse,andawholehostofotherobnoxiousbehaviors.

6

ADVICE FOR NEARLY ANYCOUNTING CHALLENGE

Answers to Our Most Frequently AskedQuestions

1-2-3 MAGIC’S COUNTING STRATEGY is straightforward, but managingkids’ irritating behavior is never an easy job. At this point youprobably have a number of questions about this first big phase ofparenting. Let’s take a look at some of the most frequently askedones.

What if the child won’t go to time-out?Ifthechildwon’tgotohisroomafterhittingacountof3,rememberyouarenotallowed touseLittleAdultattemptsatpersuasion, suchas,“Comeonnow,dowhatDadtoldyou.It’sonlyforfiveminutes,andthenyou’llbeabletogobackandplay.I’mnotaskingalot…”

Andsoon,andsoon.Whatyoudoinsteaddependsonhowbigyouareandhowbigthechildis.

The little kids: Let’s say you weigh one hundred twenty-fivepounds, and your five-year-old son weighs forty-five pounds. If hedoesn’tgotohisroomat3,yousimplymovetowardhim.Somekidswill thenstay twofeetaheadofyouall thewayto theroom.That’sOK; they’ll soon start going by themselves. Other kids have to be“escorted” (keep your mouth closed while doing this), which canmeantakingthemgentlybythearm,aswellasdraggingorcarryingthemtotheroom.

Thebiggerkids:Nowlet’simaginethatit’sfiveyearslater.Yourten-year-old son at this pointweighs ninety-five pounds, andyou—througharigidprogramofdietandexercise—stillweighonehundredtwenty-five.You are no longer in a position to get into a physicalaltercationwiththisboy.He’stoobig,andwrestlingmatchesmakeafooloutofyou.

Your savior here will be the time-out alternative. If after your“That’s3.Taketen,”yoursondoesn’tappeartobegoinganywhere,youinformhimthathehasachoice.Hecangofortime-outorchooseoneofthefollowing:bedtimehalfanhourearlier,fiftycentsoffhisallowance, or no electronic entertainment for the evening.“Communityservice,”somekindofsmallchore,isalsoaniceoption.(Someparentshaveusedweedingorscrubbingasinkortoilet.)Manyparents let the child pick the consequence. If the child refuses, theparentselectsthepunishment.

Aproblemarisesherebecauseyourchildhasn’tgonetohisroomandthetwoofyouarestillface-to-face.Lotsofkidsinthissituationwanttostickaroundandarguewithyouabouthowstupidyourrulesare,howstupid1-2-3Magicis,andhowstupidtheguywhowroteitmustbe.

Youknowyou’renotallowedtoargue.Whatareyougoingtodo?Youcanusea“reverse time-out,” inwhichyou just turnaroundand

leavetheroom.Gotoyourroomoreventhebathroomifnecessary—having stocked them with good reading materials beforehand—andwaitthestormout.Orwalkaroundthehouseafewtimes.Butdon’ttalk.

Some parents have asked, “Why should I be the one to leave?After all, I’m the adult.” Fine. Stay put if you can keep quiet andavoid both being provocative and being provoked. But if your realmotive is the desire to stick around for a good fight, that’s a badstrategy.

Can you count different misbehaviors to get to three?Yes.Youdon’thavetohavedifferentcountsforeachdifferentkindof misbehavior. Imagine: “Let’s see, he’s on a 1 for throwing thatblockacrosstheroom.He’sona2forteasinghissister.He’sona1foryellingatme.He’sona2for…”

This routinewouldsoondriveyou insane,andyou’dneed touseyourcomputertokeeptrackofeverything.Soifthechildpusheshissister,forexample,“That’s1.”Ifhethrowsablockacrosstheroom,“That’s2,”andthenifhescreamsatyouforcountinghim,“That’s3.Takefive.”Momcouldsay“1,”Dadcouldsay“2,”andMomorDadcouldsay,“That’s3.”Infact,weencourageyoutosharethejoy.

QuikTip

What if the child won’t go to time-out? It’s OK to “escort” little kids to the chair orroom. That could mean carrying them, but you must keep quiet! Switch older kidsto a time-out alternative. Give them a choice or decide yourself, then walk away.

Actually, it’sbetter ifMomandDaddobothcount,becausethenthe kids know that both parents are behind the plan—they areconsistentandreallyserious.Theinvolvementofbothparentsmakesit easier for the children to shape up. In the same way, theinvolvementofbothhomeandschoolindoingthe1-2-3methodalsomakes it easier for kids to behave—especially the really difficultchildren.

Can you ever ignore anything? Introducing the MBA!How do you know when you should count? Usually it’s not toodifficulttotell.Mostofthetime,ifyou’reirritatedaboutsomethingandthatsomethingisaStopbehavior,youshouldbecounting.Justtobesure,youandyourkidscanwritealistofcountablebehaviors.

However,therecanbetimeswhenyou’reirritatedbutthekidsarenot really misbehaving and you should not count. We call theseactivities“MBAs,”MinorButAggravatingactionsthatmayrubyouthewrongwaybutarenotreallymisbehavior.Humming,singingthesamesongoverandover,rollingtheeyesandstompingtotime-out,squirminess,chasingthedog,andeatingallthefrostingoffthetopofthe cupcake first may be examples. If the child’s not reallymisbehavingandyou’rejustinabadmood,thebestthingtodoisgrityourteethandkeepquiet.

Thequestionofignoringcertaintypesofbehaviorleavesroomforsome variation among parents.Why?Because some parents simplyhavelongerfusesthanothers.Someparents,forexample,willignorekids’rollingtheireyes,stompingoff,grumbling,andwhining,whileotherparentswillcount.Someparentswillignoreachild’syellingoreven poundingwalls as long as he’s on hisway to time-out. Otherparentswilllengthentherestperiodforthatkindofbehavior.Eitherstrategyiscorrectifitisdoneconsistently.Youhavetoclearlydefinewhatkindsofchildbehavior,inyourwell-consideredopinion,aretoo

obnoxious,toorude,tooaggressive,ortoodangerous.Thenmakeupyourmindthatthosebehaviorsaretheonesthatwillbecounted.

Caution

Your kids already have their MBAs! Minor But Aggravating actions that may rubyou the wrong way but which are not really misbehavior. These may includehumming, squirminess, rolling the eyes, and eating the frosting off the top of thecupcake first.

But in the beginning with 1-2-3 Magic, don’t ignore genuinemisbehavior. In thebeginning,when indoubt, count!After awhile,whenyou’regettingagoodresponseat1or2,youmaybeabletoletupalittle.

Let’ssay,forexample, thatafterafewweeksgettingusedtothe1-2-3program,your childdoes something right in frontofyou thatwould normally be counted. Instead of counting right away, justwatch your kid. The child can almost “feel” the count coming.Sometimes,ifyousaynothing,thechildwillspontaneouslyexerciseself-controlandstopthemisbehavior.Thisresponseisideal,becausenow the child is internalizing the rules and controlling himselfwithoutdirectparentalintervention.Isn’tthatthekindofpersonyouwanttodropoffatthedormonthefirstdayofhisfreshmanyearincollege?

How long do you take in between counts?Aboutfiveseconds.Justlongenoughtoallowthechildtimetoshape

up.Rememberthatwe’recountingStop(obnoxious)behaviors,suchasarguing,whining,badgering,andteasing.Itonlytakesachildonesecond tocooperatewithyoubystopping theannoyingactivity.Wecertainlydon’twanttogiveachildhalfanhourtocontinueatantrumbeforegivinghima2.

Counting is perfectly designed to produce the one second ofmotivationnecessaryforcooperation.Wegivethekidsfiveseconds,though,whichisa littlemoregenerous.Whyfiveseconds?Becausethisbriefpausegivesthechildrentimetothinkthingsoveranddotheright thing. In those few seconds—provided the adult keepsquiet—kidslearntotakeresponsibilityfortheirownbehavior.

If a child hits a 1 or a 2, does he stay at that count for therest of the day, even if he does nothing else wrong?No.The timeperspectiveofyoungchildren is short.Youwouldnotsay “That’s 1” at nine in themorning, “That’s 2” at eleven fifteen,and“That’s3.Takefive”atthreeintheafternoon.Wehavewhatwecallour“windowofopportunity”rule.Forexample,ifasix-year-olddoes three things wrong in a thirty-minute period, each warningcountstowardthetotalofthree.Butifhedoesonethingwrong,thenanhourgoesby, thenhedoes somethingelsehe shouldn’t,youcanstartbackat1.

Very few children manipulate this rule by doing one thing,allowingthirtyminutestopass,andthenfiguring,“NowIgetafreeone!” If you feel your child is trying to get awaywith this, simplymakethenextcounta2insteadofgoingbackto1.

The window of opportunity should be longer as kids get older.Hereisageneralguideline:forfour-year-olds,consideratimeperiodof ten or fifteen minutes; for eleven-year-olds, think about two tothreehours.Classroomteachersintheprimarygradesdonotusuallyuse a shortwindow because,with twenty-five children in the class,thiswould allow for toomuch potentialmisbehavior in too short a

time.Instead,thecountingperiodinschoolisexpandedtocovertheentiremorning.All counts arewashed away at lunchtime, and thentheafternoonistreatedasanewandseparatewindow.

Can you use a time-out chair instead of a room?Youcanuseastairorachairforatime-out,butonlyifthechilddoesnotmakeagameoutofthesituation.Somekids,forexample,sitonthe chair at first, but then start gradually losing contact with it.Eventually theymay just be touching their little finger to the chairandlookingatyoulike,“Whatareyougoingtodoaboutthis?”

If your rule for time-out is simply that the child must stay incontactwiththechair,thisisnoproblem.Butifthechildisgettingonandofforawayfromthechairandyou’reuncertainwhattodo,thiskindofgamewillruinthediscipline.

KeyConcept

The main point is this: it is totally unproductive and harmful to be chasing the kidsback into the room all the time. The child needs to know that there is a barrier thatshe is stuck with for a short period of time.

Weusuallypreferthatvisualcontactbetweenparentandchildbebrokenduringtherestperiod,sothechildcan’tteaseorprovokeyou.That’s why the child’s bedroom or other safe room is preferable.However,manyparentshavesuccessfullyusedstairsandchairs,and

manyreport that thekids—evensomewildones!—sitstillon them,don’ttalk,anddon’tkeepgettingoff.Asamatteroffact,parentsareoftenverycreativeincomingupwithplacesfortime-outs.

What if the child won’t stay in his room?Many kidswill stay in the room for the time-out, even if the doorisn’t shut.Others, however,will keep coming out.With very smallchildren,onealternativeistojuststandthereblockingthewayortohold the door shut.After a few time-outs the kids get the idea thatthey can’t come out. This tactic won’t work, however, if you keepgettingintomajortugsofwarwiththedoor.Ifyourdisciplinecomesdowntothislevel,youlookstupid.

Asecondalternative is toblock thechild’s exitwith thekindofgatethatsqueezesagainstthedoorjambs.Thesegatescanbeusedaslongasthechildrenarenotabletoeitherclimboverorknockdownthedevice.Yetanotheroptionistostartthetime-outoverifthechildcomesoutprematurely.Someparentswillthendoublethetimeofthesecondrestperiod.Thismethod,ofcourse,won’tbemuchhelpwithtwo-orthree-year-oldsbecausetheywon’tunderstand,butwitholderchildrenitcanworkwell.Explainonceandthenstart.

Some kids, however, are so rambunctious that they just keepcomingoutandaccumulatewhatseemlikethousandsofextra time-out minutes.What should you do?You need to secure the door insomewayoranother.Thereareseveraloptions.

Believeitornot,someparentsofdifficultchildrenhavemadethechild’sbedroomdoorintoa“Dutch”door.Theysawthedoorinhalf,thenlockthebottompartandleavethetoppartopenduringthetime-out.Youmaythinkthat’safairlydrasticsolution.Itis,butsomekidsrequiredrastic(butgentle)solutions.

Also available are plastic doorknob covers. These devices covertheknobandhavetobesqueezedtightlytoturntheknobandopenthedoor.Manyyoungchildrenaren’tstrongenoughtoaccomplishthis.

Anotherideaistosimplyputsomekindoflockonthedoor.Thisadviceworries someparentswho think that their childwill becomeclaustrophobicor that locking thedoor isabusive.Locking thedoorfor a short time is not by itself abusive, but for some groups (forexample, foster parents) and in some places (for example, someprovincesofCanada)itisillegal.Ifyouhaveareallydifficultchild,you should check what regulations apply to your situation and getsomeprofessionaladvice.

Here’sanoptionfor lockingthedoor.Youtellyourchild thataslong as he stays in his room, the door will remain open or simplyshut.Butthefirsttimehecomesout,thedoorgetslockedfortherestperiod.Manychildrenwillquicklylearntostayputwithoutthedoorhavingtobelocked.Ifyoustillprefergatestolocks,purchaseoneofthemore solid gates that bolts into the doorjambs. If the child canclimboverthegate,getatalleroneorputtwoup.

Themainpointisthis:somechildrenwilltrytokeepcomingoutof the room. If so, securing the door in some way is absolutelyessential.Itistotallyunproductiveandharmfultobechasingthekidsbackintotheroomallthetime.Thechildmustknowthatthedoorisa barrier that he’s stuckwith for a short time. Once children learnthey can’t get out of the room, they will stop their tantrums andcalmlyacceptthebriefperiodofquiet.

If youworry about the safety of the child, childproof the room,secureanywindows,andremainoutsidethedoorduringthetime-out—but trynot to let thechildknowyou’re there. Ifyoustill feel thechild is not safe alone in the room or if you feel he would sufferexcessive separation anxiety, you may go in the room during thetime-out.Butnoeyecontactandnotalking!

Anddon’tforgettheone-minute-per-yearruleforthelengthoftherest period. Remember that youmay not increase the length of thetime-outsimplybecauseyou’reinabadmood.Youcanincreasethelength of time-out—to a point—if the child did something that is

exceptionallybad.

What do you do if the child counts you back?Yourfive-year-oldiswhiningatyoubecauseyouwouldn’ttakehertothepoolonahot summerday.You lookather,holdupone finger,andsay,“That’s1.”Shelooksbackatyou,holdsuponetinyfinger,andsays,“That’s1toyoutoo!”

What should you do? Oddly enough, this common occurrencesometimes throws even themost confident parents for a loop.Theyareatalossonhowtohandletheunexpectedrebellion.Someparentshaveeven said, “1-2-3Magicdoesn’twork—thekid just countsmeback!”

Sowhatdoyoudo?Yourkidsdonothavetheauthoritytocountanyone(unlessyougivethatpowertothem).Thechildmightaswellhavesaid,“Themoonismadeofcreamcheese.”Thecommentitselfmeansnothing—butitmightbeacountablemisbehavior.

Here’s how you decide. If the child’s remark appears to be ahumorousattempt to teaseyoua little,youcan just ignore it.But ifher“That’s1 toyou too!” is sarcasticanddisrespectful, count itbysimplyholdinguptwofingersandsayingnothing.If thechildagainmocksyourresponse,shewillhavejustarrivedat3.Sendhertotime-outandrepeatasnecessary.

Canoneofyourkids count anotherone?Generallyno.Theonlytimethiscanoccurisifonechildisoldenoughtobabysittheother.Butmakesuretogetareportwhenyoucomeback.

Does the room have to be a sterile environment?No. Many parenting books tell you the time-out room should bemodeled after a cell in a state penitentiary. Complete and utterboredom—that’llteach’em!Thisisunnecessary.Thechildcangotoherroomandread,takeanap,playwithLegos,draw,andsoon.Justto be safe, though, three things should be forbidden: no phone, no

friends,andnoelectronicentertainment.Somepeopleask:“Wellthen,justhowisarestperiodsupposedto

work?Mykidtellsmethattime-out’sfinewithher.Shedoesn’tcare,andshe’lljustgoupstairsandplay.”Don’tpaymuchattentiontoanychild who says, “I don’t care.” That comment usually means theopposite: shedoescare.And ifher roomweresuchagreatplace tobe,shewouldhavebeenupthereinthefirstplace.

Thefactofthematteristhatthepowerofthe1-2-3methoddoesnotcomesomuchfromthetime-outitself.Itusuallycomesfromtheinterruptionofthechild’sactivities.Whenthisgirlwastimedoutforhittingherbrother,shewaswatchingherfavoriteTVshow.Nowshehastomissabigchunkoftheshow.Noone—includingyou—likestobeinterruptedandmissoutonsomethingfun.

If you really feel the time-out strategy is not effective, considerthree things. First, are you still talking too much and getting tooemotional during discipline efforts? Parental outbursts ruineverything.Second,ifyoufeelyouareremainingcalmandtime-outisstillnotworking,consideranother time-outplaceor room.Third,considertime-outalternatives.

Why three counts? Children should respond the first timeyou ask! Why give the kids three chances to misbehave?It’s interesting to hear different parents’ reactions to 1-2-3Magic.Somepeople(usuallythoseattemptingtodisciplinetheirchildrenforthe first time) think counting is too dictatorial, while others seecounting as a sign of parental weakness, believing that childrenshouldn’tgetthreechancestomisbehavebeforebeingpunished.

The reason for threecounts is simple.Youwant togive thekidstwochances—thefirsttwocounts—toshapeup(unlesswhattheydidwassoseriousthatitmeritedanautomatic3).Howarechildrengoingto learn to do the right thing if they never get a chance?Andwithcounting, the “chance” comes right away—in the first few seconds

following the count. That immediate opportunity helps them learn.They’rejustkids!

What if you have other people over?Bythistime,youcanprobablyanticipatetheanswertothisquestion.Youwillneedto(1)getusedtocountinginfrontofotherpeopleand(2) not alter your strategy one bit when others are watching. Theultimate test, of course, is when you’re out in public (see nextchapter). For right now, we’ll discuss what should happen in thesafetyofyourownhome.

Fromtimeto time,otherpeoplewillbeatyourhomewhenyourkidsdecidetoactup.Infact,thepresenceofotherpeopleoftenseemsto trigger disruptive behavior inmanykids, presenting parentswiththe complicated challenge of disciplining children while on stage.Amongthegroupsofpeoplewhoperverselydecidetoputyouinthisawkwardpositionareyour children’s friends,otherparents (withorwithout their kids), and finally, grandparents. Let’s examine theproblemspresentedbyeachgroup.

Otherkids:Ifyourchildhasafriendover,countyourchildjustasyouwouldifnooneelsewerethere.Ifyourchildgetstimedout,he goes to the room and—remember—his friendmay not join him.Justexplaintotheotherboyorgirlthatyou’reusingthisnewsystemand your child will be back in five minutes or so. If your son ordaughtersaystoyou,“Mom,it’ssoembarrassingwhenyoucountmeinfrontofmyfriends,”yousaytothemonce,“Ifyoudon’twanttobeembarrassed,youcanbehave.”

Anotherthingyoucandointhissituationiscounttheotherchildtoo.Afterall,it’syourhouse.Ifhisparentisthere,you’dbetteraskpermissionandexplainabitbeforeyoustartdiscipliningherchild.

Anothervariationwithotherkidsoveris“1-2-3,1-2-3,1-2-3:outofthehousetoplay.”Thiscanbeveryhelpful,especiallyifyouhavea difficult child who often gets overly excited when a playmate is

over.Withthisroutine,atthepointwherethethirdtime-outwouldbeassigned, insteadofsendingyourchild to the roomagain,bothkidsmustnowleavethehouseforaspecifiedtime(assumingtheweatherisn’t nasty) and play outside. This variation of the 1-2-3 is verypopularinsouthernCalifornia.

QuikTip

If your child looks at you and says, “It’s so embarrassing when you count me infront of my friends!” you simply reply, “If you don’t want to be embarrassed, youcan behave.”

Or—evenbetter—1-2-3,1-2-3,1-2-3, thensend themover to theotherkid’shousetoplay.I’vedoneit!

Otheradults:Ifyouhaveotheradultsoveratyourhome,youwillprobably feel considerably more nervous counting your child. Thisdiscomfortisnormal.Althoughyoumayfeelalittleself-consciousatfirst, you’ll soon get used to doing the 1-2-3 method under thesecircumstances.Socount!Ifyoudon’t taketheplunge,yourchildrenwill sense that you are much easier prey when other people arearound.

On the other hand, when you count in front of another parent,something surprisingmayhappen that youwill enjoy.For example,imagineyou’re talking to a friend andyour child rudely and loudly

interruptsyoudemandingasnack.Youcalmlysay,“That’s1.”Yourchildnotonlyquietsdown,but shealso leaves the room.Theotherparentlooksatyoulike,“Whatdidyoudo?”Justtellherabout1-2-3Magicandexplainhowitworks.Thissceneshowsoneofthemajorwaysthat1-2-3Magicgetspassedaround.

Grandparents: For our purposes here, there are three types ofgrandparents, whether you’re visiting them or they’re visiting you.The first—and rarest—type of grandparent is thecooperativegrandparent.Shewillcountalongwithyou.Yousay1,Grandmasays2,andsoon.Thatkindofcooperationissuper,butitdoesn’thappenasmuchaswe’dlike.

Like thefirst type, thesecondtypeofgrandparent isalsonice tohave around. This person we call thepassive ornonintrusivegrandparent.Thisgrandmaorgrandpaleavesyoualonewhenyou’rediscipliningthekidsanddoesn’tinterfere.That’softennoteasyforagrandparent.

The third type of grandparent, however, is theantagonisticgrandparent. He will say something to you like this: “You have toreadabooktolearnhowtoraiseyourkids?Why,whenIwasaboy,all Dad had to do was look at his belt.” You know the rest. Themessage is that you don’t need any of this modern psychologicalstuff.

A secondkindof antagonistic grandparentwill actually interferewithyourdiscipline.Yousay to littleBobby,“That’s3.Take five,”andbeforehecanmove,Grandmabuttsinandsays,“Oh,littleBobbydidn’treallydoanything.Bobby,comeandsitonGrandma’slapforawhile.”

Someparentsaskatthispoint:“Canyoucountthegrandparents?”Probably not, but you do have an assertiveness problem on yourhands.Youmayhavetosaysomethinglike,“Youknow,Mom,Iloveyou very much, but these are our kids and this is the way we’reraising them. If you can’t go along with the agenda, the visit may

have tobecutshorta little.”Althoughthisstatementwillbeaverydifficultonetomake,thecommentwilldefinitelybeaninvestmentinyourchildren’sfuture.

What if the child won’t come out from time-out?Youprobablyknowtheanswertothisone.Relaxandenjoyyourself!You go to the bedroom door and say, “Time’s up.” Your son ordaughter replies, “I’m never coming out again as long as I live!”Don’t say, “Good!” or anything like that. Just walk away—neverchaseamartyr.

Ontheotherhand,donotcheatbyextendingthetime-out.Imagineyourchild’stime-outwasforfiveminutes.Youjustnoticed,though,thatyougotdistractedandeightminuteselapsed.Youthink,“Oh,it’ssopeaceful!Andshe’sbeingsoquietinherroom!Whyletherout?”Wrong—nofair.Keepaneyeontheclockortimer,thentellthechildwhenthetimeisup.Ifyourgirlhasfallenasleep—andifit’sOKforhertonapatthistimeofday—lethersnoozeforabit.

QuikTip

Why do kids always seem to act up whenever you’re on the phone? It’s probablybecause they think you are helpless. Let them know you’re not by counting justas you would if you weren’t talking to someone.

Somekidsalwayswantahugandsomereassurancewhentime-out

isover.Whatdoyoudo?Givethemahug!Butbecarefulwiththeselittlehuggers.Ifachildrepeatedlyrequestsahug,you’dbetterchecktomakesureyou’reusingtheprogramcorrectly.Somekidsarejustvery sensitive and anykindof disciplineupsets thema little.Otherchildrenneed reassurancebecauseyouwere tooharsh—emotionallyorphysically—beforeyousentthemtotheroom.Soifyougetalittlehugger, make sure you’re gently following the No Talking and NoEmotionRules.

Help—my kids go nuts when I’m on the phone!Thisproblembringsbackvividmemoriestoallparents.Itseemsthatallparentshaveexperiencedtheirchildactingupwhentheparentsareonthephone.Theringingseemstobethesignalthatit’stimetocutloose!

Atourhouse,thedogwouldalsogetintotheact.Thephonewouldringandthedogwouldbark.Thedog’sbarkwasasignaltothekids:“We’vegotanothervictimontheline,getdownhereandlet’storturehim for a while!” Then they’d all be running around, yelling andbarking and having a wonderful time. Whoever was on the phonewouldfeeltrappedandfrustrated.

Whydochildrenalwaysseemtoactupwhenyou’reonthephone?At first I thought itwasbecause thekidswere jealousof theparenttalking tosomeoneelseandignoring them.Thismaybepartly true,butnowIbelieve themain reason is that thechildren thinkyouarehelpless.Thekidsseemtobelievethatsinceyourheadisattachedtothephone,youwon’tbeabletodoanythingtocounterthemraisingaruckus.

Thebestthingtodoiscountthechildrenjustasyouwouldifyouweren’ton thephone—much likewhenyouhaveotherpeopleover.Whileyou’reonthephoneyouhavesomebodyelsepresent—butonlylistening,notwatching.Youmayhavetointerruptyourconversationtocount.Youmayhavetoputthephonedownorexplainwhatyou’re

doing to the person you’re talking to, or even hang up so you canescort a littleone toher room.Somecallsbecomemore expensive,butwhateverittakes,doit.Otherwisethechildrenwillknowthatyouareasittingduckeverytimesomeonecalls.

This phone routine is not easy in the beginning.After a while,though,manyparentssucceedintrainingthechildrentothepointthatthe adults don’t have to say anything while counting. They simplyholdup the appropriatenumberof fingerswhile they continue theirconversation!And the children respondbecause theyknowMomorDad means business. If you’ve gotten to this point, it’s a mightyhandytactictousewhenyou’retalkingonthetelephone.

KeyConcept

The point behind 1-2-3 Magic is that parents are ready for anything, rather thanworrying what the kids are going to do next. The message is: “I love you, and it’smy job to train and discipline you. I don’t expect you to be perfect, and when youact up, this is what I will do.”

What if the kid wrecks the room during his so-called “restperiod”?Thevastmajorityofchildrenwillnotberoomwreckers.Onlyasmallpercentageofkidswillthrowthingsaroundandmessuptheroom.Anevensmallerpercentageofchildrenwillbreakthings,teartheirbedsapart, or kick holes in thewall.Their parents need to knowhow tohandlethesesometimesscaryactions.

The point behind 1-2-3 Magic is that parents be ready foranything,ratherthanfeelingdefensiveandworrying,“Ohno,whatishe going to do now?” We want your attitude and message to thechildren to be something like this: “You’remy child and I’m yourparent.Iloveyou,andit’smyjobtotrainanddisciplineyou.Idon’texpectyou tobeperfect,andwhenyoudosomethingwrong, this iswhatIwilldo.”

The credit for the solution to the room-wreckingproblemcomesfrom a couplewho visitedmy office a long time ago. They had aneight-year-old boy who was very nice to me in my office, but—according to his mom and dad—was “hell on wheels” everywhereelse.Theseparentssaidtheywerethinkingofputtingthisboy’snameontheirmailbox,becauseitfeltlikehewasrunningthehouse.Theyoftenreferredtotheirsonas“KingLouisXIV.”

QuikTip

If your child wrecks her room during a tantrum, one option is for you to ignore themess and let her live in it for a few days! That might make the child think twicebefore doing it again.

Thisbehaviorobviouslycouldn’tgoon,soIaskedtheseparentsiftheywanted to learn 1-2-3Magic.They said yes. I taught them theprogram,preparedthemfor testingandmanipulation,andtheywenthometogetstarted.Thisboyhadbeenusedtorunningthehouse,but

whenhisparentsgothometheywerereadyforhim.WhenKingLouishit3forthefirsttime,hecouldnotbelievewhat

happened. How his parents got him to his room for his first restperiod is still a mystery, but when he got there, he totally—and Imean totally—trashed the place. His first tactic, and perhaps thefavoriteofallroomwreckers,wastoemptyhisdresserandthrowhisclothesalloverthefloor.Thenherippedtheblanketsandsheetsoffhis bed. Next he pushed the mattress and box spring off the bedframe. Then he proceeded to his closet, took out all his hangingclothes,andthrewthemallovertheroom.Afterthat,hetossedallhistoysoutofthecloset.Finally,hewenttothewindowandtoredownhiscurtains.

Whatdidhisparentsdo?Amazingly,theydidn’tcallmeforhelp.Thefirstthingtheydidwasnothing!Theydidn’tcleanupthemessorhave King Louis clean it up. Any cleaning up would have meantloading the boy’s gun again for the next time-out when he’d haveanother perfectly neat room to wreck. Second, Mom and Dadcontinuedtocounttheirsonaggressivelybutfairly.

When the boy earned a 3, he got a 3 and a consequence. Nofudgingaroundwithfractionssuchas,“That’s2andahalf, that’s2andthree-quarters.”Theparentswouldhithimwithhiswell-earned3and then send him to his bedroom to rearrange the trash. Whenbedtimecame, thisboyhad tofindhispajamas.Healsohad tofindhis bed. In themornings, his clothes for school didn’t match for aweek.

How longdid it take forKingLouis to learn that therewasnewmanagementintheoldmaison?Ittookabouttendaysforhimtostartcalming down during time-out. Then, after three or four days ofpeaceful time-outs,hisparentshelpedhimcleanuphis room.Afterthat—believeitornot—hehatedtobecounted,andhisparentswouldstophimonadimewithacountof1.

Now, did we break this boy’s spirit? Was he going to be a

marshmallowfortherestofhislife?Certainlynot.NowhewasreallyandconsistentlythenicekidIhadseenintheoffice,andhisparentswereinchargeoftheirownhouse—astheyshouldhavebeenfromthebeginning. In addition, the boy started behaving better in school,wheretheteacherwasalsousingthe1-2-3program.

Ifyouthinkyouaregoingtohavearoomwrecker,beforestarting1-2-3Magic,checkouttwothings.Ifthereisanythingdangerousorharmfulintheroom,oranythingvaluablethatcanbebroken,takeitoutbeforethefirstrestperiod.

Room wrecking is one thing, but what do you do if yourchild urinates on the floor during time-out?Some kids have done it—usually preschoolers. You send them totime-out,andtheyaresomadthattheypulldowntheirpantsandcutloose.Whatdoyoudo?Youtimethemouttothebathroom.

I knowwhat you’re thinking: “Hownaive!Do you really expectthe child to use the facilities appropriately?”The answer is no, butthat’s not the point. The point is this: What’s easier to clean, thebedroomrugorthebathroomfloor?Ifthechildgoesonthebedroomrug, cleaning is an expensive project. If the child goes on thebathroomfloororthesmallerbathroomrug,it’sadifferentstory.

The same advice holds true if you have a child who can gethimselfsoupsetthathethrowsup.IneveryworkshopI’veeverdone,afewparentshavekidslikethis.Makesurethebathroom’ssafe,thentimehimouttothebathroom.Andstaycool!

While we’re on the subject, can you use counting for toilettraining?No.Countingisnotespeciallyeffectiveforpottytraining.Onereasonis that ifyouare tryingtocountforchildrenmessingin theirpants,youdon’talwaysknowtheexactmomentwhenthe“accident”occurs,soyoudon’tknowjustwhentocount.Inaddition,mostexpertsagreethatpunishingkidsforwettingorsoilingisnotparticularlyhelpful.

Though there are several effectiveways to get kids to go on thetoilet,my favoritemethod is for the parent to do very little formaltraining. Toomany parents are in too big a hurry to get their kidspottytrained,andthisbigrushcancauseallkindsoftrouble.Instead,letthekidsseeyouusethetoiletandgetthemapottychairoftheirown.Mostchildrenwilleventuallylearnhowtousethethingwithoutmuch direct coaching fromyou.When they are successful, you canthenpraiseandrewardthem.

Another frequently unsuccessful parent tactic in this regard isrepeatedlyaskingachild—whenhe’s lookingsquirmy—ifhehas togo to the bathroom. It’s much better to say this: “Someday you’regonnasurprisemeandgoonthepotty!”

What if there’s an obvious problem between two of yourchildren, but you didn’t see what happened?Yourdaughter,Suzie,comesrunningintothekitchenandyells,“Dad,Bobby should get a 1!” You haven’t the slightest idea what theproblem is, but the chances are the issue revolves around siblingrivalry.Ingeneralourrule is this: ifyoudidn’tsee theargumentorconflict,youdon’tcountit.Ifyouhearit,youcancountit.

If you’re in the kitchen and you hear a ruckus starting in thefamily room, for example, there’snothing to stopyou fromcalling,“Hey, guys, that’s 1.” Of course, you want to use this rule withflexibility. If you feel one child is consistently being victimized byanother, you may have to intervene and count just the aggressivechild.On theotherhand, if the tattling isgettingoutofhand,manyparentsdecidetocountthetattler.

Does being counted hurt the child’s self-esteem?Most kids aren’t counted a lot, so the mere quantity of counts isusually not a problem. Once you’ve gotten started at home, manychildren will not get any counts for days at a time. In a regular

classroom,on an averageday, fewer than five childrenwill get anycountatall.

Forthosechildrenwhodogetcountedmoreoften,ifyouaredoingthe1-2-3programcorrectly, thereshouldbenosignificant threatofhurting self-esteem. Whatwill hurt children’s self-esteem is theyelling,arguing,name-calling,sarcasm,orhittingyoumaydoifyoudon’tcontrolyourself.Inaddition,asyouwillseelater,youroverallfeedback to your children should be much more positive thannegative.Andonecountisabitofnegativefeedback.Therefore,youwillwant tomore thanbalanceyouroccasional countingwithotheractivities or strategies, such as affection, shared fun, listening, andpraise.

Should you ever spank a child?It’s about time that people face up to reality:the vast majority ofspankingsareparentaltempertantrums .Theyareinnowayattemptsto trainoreducateachild.Theyaresimply theangryoutburstsofaparent who has lost control, doesn’t know what to do, and wantsrevengebyinflictingpain.Parentswhohavebigproblemswithself-controlandangermanagementtrytojustifyandrationalizespankingby saying things like, “You have to set limits,” “It’s for their owngood,”and“Havingtohitthekidshurtsmemorethanitdoesthem.”

Thereareculturesandgroupsinwhichspankingisperceivedasalegitimatediscipline technique.Therearealsopeoplewho reallydosee—and use—spanking as a training device.But research suggestst h a texcessive physical discipline tends to generate anxiety inchildren, lower their self-esteem, and make them more likely tobecomeaggressivethemselves.

Generallyspeaking,though,adultswhospankdonotcareonebitabout research. I haveonoccasion talkeduntil I’mblue in the facewithparentslikethese,andsadlyenough,changingtheiropinionsandtheir discipline habits is often a lost cause. Remember, the whole

pointofthe1-2-3programistoavoidtheTalk-Persuade-Argue-Yell-Hitroutine.

My child has a fit when I try to drop him off at preschool.No matter how much I try to reassure him, he screamswhenever I try to leave.Though separation anxiety is normal in little children, the kids’desperate screamswhen you try to leave them at preschool, with asitter,orevenatGrandma’scanbeveryupsettingtoyou.Here’swhatyoudo.BiteyourlipandbecometheMasteroftheQuickExit.Whendroppingchildrenoff(or leavinghome),kiss thekidsgood-bye, tellthemwhenyou’llseethemagain,andgetoutofthere!Thelongeryoustayandthemoreyoutalk,theworseyouwillmakethesituation.

If these awful moments make you feel like a totally cold anduncaringparent,callbacklaterandask thecaregiverhowlongyourchildcried.Theaverageiseightyseconds.

Shouldn’t the kids ever apologize?This is a tough question. If you’re currently asking your kids toapologizeandthatroutineisworkingwell,that’sfine.Keepinmind,however, that many apologies are really exercises in hypocrisy.Requiringanapologyisoftensimplypartofthechild’spunishment—notalearningexperienceinvolvingsorroworcompassion.

Forexample,imagineyourtwosonshavegottenintoafight.Youbreakupthetussle,thendemandthattheyapologizetoeachanother.Theolderboyglaresattheyoungerandwithasneeronhisfacesays,“I’msorry.”Histoneisforced,begrudging,andsarcastic.

Now let me ask you two questions about this child’s response.First, was this a real apology? Of course not. His comment wasmerely a continuation of the original battle, but on a verbal level.Second,was his statement a lie? The answer is yes. If youwant toinsist on apologies,make sure that you are not simply asking yourchildrentolie.

What if my boy or girl misbehaves at school?Thefirsttimethishappens,askyourchildtoexplain.Don’t“doublepunish” the child if the teacher already took disciplinary action.Dependingontheseverityoftheincident,youmaywanttotalktotheteacher.Someproblemsvanishwithoutalotofeffortonyourpart.

Caution

Poor grades are not really misbehavior. And punishment for poor grades is astrategy that is way more often unsuccessful than useful. Try a friendly rewardsystem first, and if that doesn’t work, consider a professional evaluation.

Thesecondtimeyourchildmisbehavesatschool,youwillwanttotalktotheteacher,possiblyevenwithyourchildpresent.Thoughyoumaystilldecidetonottakeaction,ifthebehaviorcontinuesyouwillwant to work out a daily or weekly behavior chart (seecharting inchapter12)thattheteacherfillsoutandsendshometokeepyouuptodate.Youmaydecidetolinkthischarttorewardsandconsequencesthatyouadministerathome.Ifthisinterventiondoesn’tsucceedafterafewweeks,trymodifyingyourrewards,consequences,orthechartitself. If that doesn’t work after a few more weeks, consider aprofessionalevaluationthroughtheschoolorprivately.

One note of caution: poor grades are not really an incidence ofmisbehavior. And punishment-only methods for dealing with poorgradesusuallyfail.Instead,usethesystemdescribedearlier.

What about the 1-2-3 program and special-needs kids?1-2-3Magic can be usedwith typically developing kids or special-needs kids, such as children with ADHD, learning disabilities,oppositional defiant disorder, depression, and even autism spectrumdisorders.Themainrequirementisthatthechildhaveamentalageofatleasttwo.

Usually the countingmethoddoesn’t requiremuchmodification,but two special instances, both involving anxiety, should bementioned. First, some children seem to becomemore anxious (notangry,butanxious)whentheyareverballycounted.Sometimesusingavisualstimulussuchasthreecards(green=1,yellow=2,red=3)ishelpful.

Second, it is not helpful to count if the problem is anxiety.Anxiety,afterall,isnotwillfulmisbehavior.Achildwhoscreamsatthe sight of a mosquito or who bellows furiously when you try toleaveheratschoolwillbebetterhandledwithreassuranceandgentlebutfirmstructure.

When should you talk?Isateachablemomentthetimeimmediatelyfollowingtime-out?Theanswerisno.Thereasonisthis:atime-outisnotonlyaconsequencebutalsoacooling-offperiod.Ifyougreetyourchildrightaftertheirrest period with a comment like, “Tell me what you did and howyou’regoingtopreventfutureexamplesofthiskindofbehavior,”youarelikelytoirritatethechild.Thecooling-offeffectislost,andyouarenotofftoanice,freshstart.Ifyouinsistontalkingtoyourkidsabout an incident that occurred, do it some other time. Considermakinganappointment,andusethetacticsdescribedinchapter22.

I like the program. How do I get my husband involved?Husbands are sometimes difficult to get onboard with systematicparentingprograms.Here’swhatyoudo.Getacopyofthefirst(blue)

DVD,1-2-3Magic:ManagingDifficult Behavior, which covers theprogram through approximatelychapter 11 of this book. It may beavailable at your local library. Ask your husband to watch it. Butthere’sacatch.Youcan’tbeintheroomwithhim,becauseyoumayhaveatendencytosay,“See,thisiswhatyouneedtobedoing.”Thatwillturnhimoffforsure.Ifhe’swillingtocooperateafterhewatchesthe DVD, get started and later add Parenting Jobs 2 and 3 (purpleDVD,More1-2-3Magic,orchapters12–24ofthisbook).Using1-2-3Magicwiththekidsisgoodformarriages!

CHAPTERSUMMARYLong story short,we have an answer for any counting problemyoumightencounter!

Havewetakencareofallpossiblequestions?Not quite. The most commonly asked question needs a whole chapter of explanation:

Whatdoyoudoinpublic?

7

DISCIPLINING YOUR CHILD INPUBLIC

How to Handle Grocery Store Meltdowns andOther Embarrassing Situations

WE NOW MUST COMEtogripswiththeworstnightmareofeveryparent:what to dowhen your childmisbehaves in public.No onewants tolooklikeachildabuserinthecandyaisleofthelocalgrocerystore.Andkids—evenveryyoungtoddlers—seemtohaveautomaticradarthatcansensepsychologicalvulnerabilityinanxiousparents.

Oncetheyhavelearnedthemechanicsofthe1-2-3program,manyparentsworryaboutbeinginpublicwherethereisnotime-outroom.The good news is this problem can be solved without too muchdifficulty. The bad news is that a worse problem is lurking in theshadows,anddeepinherhearteveryparentknowswhatthatproblemis.

Your biggest problem in public is that your little ones can holdsomething over your head that they can’t in private: thethreat ofpublic embarrassment. This fear of embarrassment and publicdisapprovalhasattimesmadeeventhemostcompetentparentsforgetwhat they’re supposed to do, abandon tried-and-true tactics, andcrumble.Trytorememberthisbasicprinciple:thelong-termwelfareofyourkids comesbefore short-termworries aboutwhatothers aregoingtothinkofyou.

Counting in Public

Let’simaginethatyouhaveafive-year-oldandthatyes,infact, thecandy aisle in the grocery store is one of your biggest problems. Itseemsasthougheverytimeyougodownthataisle,yoursonasksforcandy. You say no, and then the little boy proceeds to throw aferocioustantrum.Hethrowshimselfonthefloor,screamsatthetopofhislungs,and—don’tyoulovethispart?—acrowdhasgatheredtoseehowyou’regoingtohandlethecrisis.

Whatdoyoudo?Thefirstthingistomakesureyouhavethe1-2-3program rolling fairly well at home. “Fairly well” means you aregetting a good response at 1 or 2most of the time.Now you’re inaisle 5, your son is howling, and the audience has assembled.Youlookdownattheunhappylittlemonster,holduponefinger,andsay,“That’s 1.”You say this as calmly and as firmly as you would athome.

Whatisthekeyhere?It’snotsomuchwhatyousayaswhatyoudon’tsay.Youdonot,forexample,letyourselfbeintimidatedbythethreatofpublicembarrassmentandwhisper,“Comeonnow,Idon’twantyoumakingafoolofmeinfrontofallthesepeople.”Ifyoudothat,yourchildwillknowthatyoucanbehadforanickel.Hewon’tneedthecandybarbecausehe’sabouttohavemorefunwithyou.

Proceedto2andthento3,ifnecessary.Donotlookatanyoneelseotherthanyourchild.Atthispoint,ofcourse,parentswonder,“Whatarewegoingtodoat3?There’snotime-outroom.”Thisproblemiseasiertosolvethanyouthink.

Time-Out Room, Time-Out Place

Overthemanyyearsofdevelopingthe1-2-3Magicprogram,parentstaughtmewhattodoinsituationslikethis.Thesewereparentswho,intheheatofbattle,hadtocomeupwithrest-periodsolutionswhileinrestaurants,theaters,stores,themuseum,theballpark,andchurch.

Wecallthesolution“Time-OutRoom,Time-OutPlace.”Thereisalwaysa room,something likea room,orasymbolicplacewhereatime-out canbe served.For example, in the candy aisle conflictwejustdescribed,at thecountof3,someparentsstayrightwhere theyare and hold the child’s hand for several minutes. The adult saysnothingduringthisperiod.That’satime-outplace.Oneyoungmotheractually carried a small time-out mat around with her and wouldsimplyplopitontothefloorofthestorewhennecessary.

Other parents have put little children in the grocery cart for theconsequence. Other ideas include a corner of the store—a time-outplace.Formorerambunctiouschildren,thebathroomofthestorecanservethesamepurpose.Letthemscreamtheirheadsoffinthereforawhile. Some parents, feeling their children play up to an audience,willactuallyleavethegrocerycartrightwhereitisandtakethechildback to the car to do the rest period.Using the car like thismakessomepeopleask,“WhyshouldIhavetogothroughallthetroubleofleavingthestore?”

Theanswerisbecause:

1. They’rejustkids.

2. They’restilllearninghowtobehave.3. “Allthattrouble”isasoundinvestmentintheirfutureandyour

peaceofmind.

Here’s another idea. If the child is old enough and you won’tworryabouthim,at thecountof3,havehimwait foryou—perhapsnext tooneof thecash registersornext to the informationbooth—untilyou’redoneshopping.Don’tdothisunlessyou’resurethechildwillbesafe.

During any time-out, do not talk to the child. No lecturing,screaming, or nagging is allowed.Keeping quiet is often very hard,butafterawhilekidsgettheideayoumeanbusiness.Andyes,therehavebeenparentswho felt the fusswasbadenough that they left ahalf-fullgrocerycartandwentbackhome.

QuikTip

When you’re out in public, there is always a room, something like a room, or asymbolic location where a time-out can be served. And don’t forget your time-outalternatives. Just because people are watching does not mean that you have tobe at your kids’ mercy!

If the Kids Don’t Want to Go

Imagine this situation:You’re cooking a new recipe for dinner andyouaresoexcitedaboutthisnewdishthatyoucanhardlystandit.At5:15 p.m., however, you suddenly realize you are missing twoessential ingredients.Tomakemattersworse, your six-year-old andeight-year-oldareintheotherroomplayingwelltogetherforthefirsttimeintwoandahalfyears.You’regoingtohavetointerruptthem,andthere’snotimetogetasitter.

Here’swhatyoudo.Tellthekidsthatyouhavetogoshopping.Itwilltakeaboutanhour,andtheyhavetogowithyou.Youknowtheydon’t want to, but you’re stuck. Tell them the deal will be this: Ifthey’re“good”whileyou’reout(meaningtheydon’thitacountof4—you’regivingthemanextracountbecauseofthelengthofthetripand because they don’t want to go), you’ll buy them a treat. Theirrewardwill be adollar in cashor a dollar’sworthofwhatever elsethey may want to buy. If they hit the count of 4 during the trip,however,therewardisgone.

Someparents feel this isbribery. It is!But the realdefinitionofbriberyispayingsomeonetodosomethingillegal.Herewe’repayingthekidstodosomethinglegal,anditworks.

If the Kids Do Want to Go

MywifeandIhadavery interestingexperienceusingaTOAtacticwithourkidswhenwe initially triedgoingout for icecream in theevening.Thefirstfewtimeswewentoutforourafter-dinnertreat,thekidsfoughtlikecatsanddogsinthebackseat.Bythetimeweallgotouricecream,noonewasinapartymoodanymore.

SofinallyoneeveningItoldthekidsthis:“Guys,we’regoingoutfor icecream.But there’sgoing tobeanewdeal. Ifyouguyshit acountof3beforewegettothestore,weturnrightaroundandcomehome.Nobodywillgetanyicecream.”

Withhopeful hearts,we tookoff in the car.The children startedfighting. I said, “That’s 1, and third count blows the trip.” Sureenough,theyweresoonat2,andthen,onlyhalfwaytotheicecreamstore,theyhita3.Iturnedthecararoundandwenthome.TheTOAwas the outing ending. The kids were not pleased; they lookedstunnedandresentful.

Afewdayslaterwetookanothershotatanicecreamouting.Weweren’t three hundred yards from the house when the kids startedfightingagain.Isaid,“That’s1,andthirdtimeblowsthetrip.”Theyhit a 2 and then a 3, and the car got turned around and headed forhome.

I’msurethatbeforeournextattemptataneveningtreat thekidshad a conversation among themselves. It probably went somethinglikethis:“Isn’titashamethatmostchildrenintheworld,exceptus,havenormalfathers?Unfortunately,ourdadturnedouttobeashrink.Buthe’sgotthecarandhe’sgotthemoney,soifwewantsomeicecream,we’dbetterputupwithhisstupidgames!”

So,aboutaweeklater,ourintrepidgrouponceagainsetoutonitsquest. Tomy amazement, the kids started fighting.As calmly as Icould,Isaid,“That’s1,andthirdtimeblowsthetrip.”Tomyfurtheramazement the kids instantly became quiet, and theywere good asgoldthewholerestoftheway.Weallenjoyedourdessert.

Themoralofthisstory:Sometimesittakesafewtrialsforyoutomake believers out of the kids. By the way, I’ve often been askedwhat to do if one child acts up on theway there and the other onedoesn’t. The answer: The one gets ice cream, and the other onedoesn’t.Butdon’texpecttoenjoytheridehome.

Keep Moving

Another tactic that some parents have used successfully in public

takes us back to our grocery store example, where the child washavingamajorfitinthecandyaisle.Whatsomeparentshavedoneissimply leave the child on the floor andmove on to the next aisle.Theyask thenextperson theysee,“Boy,doyouhearall that racketoverthere?”

Seriously, what often happens is that the child starts worryingwhere Mom or Dad went, forgets the candy, and runs to find hisparent.Naturally,youwouldn’twant toget too faraway,dependingontheageofthechild.Thenagain,somekidsruntofindtheirparentandthenrememberthecandyandcontinuethetantrum.Whatshouldyoudothen?

Theanswertothisquestiondependsontwothings:Howbadlydoyouneed to shopandhowbraveareyou?Anumberofyearsago, Iwasshoppingbymyselfinourlocalgrocerystore.Isawaladycomeinwithafour-year-oldboy.Shepickedtheboyup,puthiminacart,andpushedthecartpastthebubble-gummachine.Theboyaskedforgum,themothersaidno,andtheboywentballistic.Themotherkeptmovingandsaidnothing.

I shopped for twenty minutes, the mom shopped for twentyminutes,andthelittleboyhowledfortwentyminutes.Whereveryouwereinthestore,whichwasnotlarge,youcouldhearthekid’sblood-curdlingscreams.Buthismotherwasgreat.Shepaidnoattentiontoherson.Shehadcomeinformilk,greenpepper,andconvertedrice,and, by God, she was going out with milk, green pepper, andconverted rice. I rememberpassing thisduo in the riceaisle.Whilethe child wailed, his mother was calmly looking at the rice box:“Let’s see, four ounces times six. Yes, that should be enough fortonight.”

I was impressed. But Mom was soon to fall off her pedestal. IhurriedalongbecauseIwantedtogetoutofthenoisystore.Igottothecheckoutline.Theracketbehindmestartedgettinglouder.Theretheywere.Thisladyandherunhappysongotinthenextline,andshe

checkedoutsoonerthanIdidbecauseshehadfeweritems.WithgreatreliefIwatchedherleavingthestore,withhersonstillyelling.Asshepassedthebubble-gummachineforthesecondtime,shestoppedandboughthersonapieceofgum!

I was dumbfounded. I almost lost all my professional decorumrightthere.Iwantedtojumpoverthecounter,runuptothiswoman,andsay,“Excuseme,ma’am.Youdon’tknowme,butI’maclinicalpsychologist.CouldItalktoyouforamoment?”Thismotherhadjustrewardedatwenty-minutetantrum.

Caution

Never reward tantrums by giving the child what he or she wants! You’re onlyguaranteeing more tantrums in the future.

There may be times out in public when, in spite of everythingyou’vedone,yourchildwon’tstopatantrum.Yourchoicesthenarethese:gutitoutandfinishyourshoppingwhilethechildcontinueshistantrum,takethechildouttothecaruntilhestopsscreaming,orgohome.

Don’t Take Them Unless You Have To

HaveyoueverbeentochurchonSunday,andintherowaheadofyouis a couple with a two-year-old? The two-year-old, of course, isn’t

payinganyattentiontotheservice.Neitherarehisparents,sincetheyare preoccupied with trying to keep their son in line so he won’tbother other people. Finally, sitting around this family trio are tenotherindividualswhoaren’tpayinganyattentiontotheserviceeither,because they’re busy evaluatinghowwell the couple is discipliningtheirtwo-year-old.While“cryrooms,”whereparentswithyoungkidscangotoavoidbotheringothersduringworshipservices,arecommoninmanychurchestoday,theyaren’talwaysavailable.

So, in the absence of a cry room, we have thirteen people whomight as well not have gone to church at all. Of course, we’re nottrying to talk you out of going to church, but think before you goanywhere.Don’taskforunnecessarytroubleinpublicbyputtingyourkids in situations they simply can’t handle. In our church example,while the parents are trying their hardest not to allow their son tobother the other people around them, these other people are beingdistractedanyway.

QuikTip

Traveling in the car with the kids can be aggravating, and that can also makedriving dangerous. Parents often feel like an unwilling but captive audience totheir kids’ misbehavior in the car. Never fear! You have a number of tacticsavailable to you.

Tips for Riding in the Car

Traveling in thecar isakindofhalf-public,half-privateexperiencethat can present parents with some extremely difficult and evendangerous situations. Parents often feel like an unwilling captiveaudience to their children’s misbehavior in the car. And makingmatters worse, moms and dads know their discipline options arelimitedwhenthey’rebehindthewheel.

Haveyoueverdrivenonan interstatewithyour lefthandon thesteering wheel while your right hand is waving madly through thebackseat,tryingtograbthekidwho’sjustbeenteasinghissisterforthe fifty-seventh time since you left the last town? Vacations aresupposedtobefun,butthiskindofroutineisnotfun.I’vehadmanyparents tell me that they pretty much stopped taking vacationsbecauseofnastyandrepeatedsceneslikethese.

Countingisveryusefulwhilechauffeuringthekidsaroundtown.Thequestion,ofcourse,iswhattodoat3.Time-outalternativesareone choice.One couple, for example, didn’t allow anyone to talk—includingMomandDad—forfifteenminutesafterthekidshit3forbehaviorliketeasing,fighting,orbadgering.Otherfamilieshaveusedfines(moneytakenofftheallowance)attherateofsomanycentsforeach minute that would have been included in the child’s normaltime-out.

Butbeingin thecardoesn’tpreventyoufromdoingagood,old-fashionedtime-out.Whereisthetime-outroom?You’reridinginit!Yourcar isactuallya stylish,gas-guzzling time-out room.Over theyearsaveryeffectivetacticformanyofmyparentshasbeentocount1-2-3,thenpullthecartothesideoftheroadfortherestperiod.Thisstrategyisdramaticandhasquiteanimpactonthechildren.Parentscan either sit quietly in the car with their children while they’reserving the time-out, or get out and take the opportunity to stretchtheirlegsabit.

For some reason, counting the kids in the car and having themservethetime-outswhentheygethomedoesn’tworkaswell,unless

you’reveryclose tohome.Theproblemmaybe that therestperiodcomestoolongaftertheoffense.Inaddition,thedemandforatime-outwhenyouwalkinthedoormaysimplystartanotherfight,becauseoftenbythetimeyougethomeeverybodyhasforgottentheoriginalproblem.

On longer car rides and on vacations, counting can be used aseffectivelyasonshorttrips.Butothertacticsareoftenhelpful.

Somealternativetacticsthatparentshaveusedsuccessfullyinthecar include theusual—andveryhelpful—activities like thealphabetgameandcarbingo.Puttingonechildinthefrontseatandoneintheback can help, as can using a DVD player (and renting twentymovies!)orleavingatfourinthemorningsothekidssleepawaythelargestpartofafour-orfive-hourride.Tellingthekidstheygetfiftycentsforeverygoattheyseeisalsoabrilliantmaneuvertokeeptheirattentionfocusedonsomethingotherthantorturingeachother.

Themainpointisthis:don’teverleaveonacarridewiththekids—especiallyonalong“vacation”—withoutputtingonyourthinkingcap first.Have the1-2-3anda fewother tactics inyourhippocket,becauseyou’regoingtoneedthem.

Now that you understand something about counting (as well aswhattodowhenyourchildmisbehavesinpublic),let’stakealookatour1-2-3MagicReal-LifeStory1.TheCaseoftheTemperTantrumTerroristwillexplainindetailhowonecoupleimplementedcountingwiththeirfive-year-oldson.

Real-LifeStory1

COUNTINGOBNOXIOUSBEHAVIOR

Whentheyarestarting the1-2-3Magicprogram,mostparentsbeginbysimplycountingobnoxiousbehaviorforafewdaystoaweekbefore theydoanythingwithParentingJobs2and3—encouraging good behavior and strengthening relationships.That’sthewaymyhusbandandIhandledit,anditwasagoodmove!

I nThe Case of the Temper Tantrum Terrorist , you’ll meetour young five-year-old son, Zach. Before we started 1-2-3Magic, this kid was a handful. While I’ve heard that manychildren(about50percent)willshapeupinjustafewdayswithcounting,ittookusaboutaweektomakeZachabeliever.

Here’s our story. In theBefore section, you’ll see twobewildered parents trying to discipline their child without aconcreteplan.Thenyou’llsit inonourprocessofThinkingItThroughbeforewegetaroundtohandlingoursontherightwayintheAftersection.

Imust admit, I don’t like to think about our life before1-2-3Magic.Ourhomewasrunbyafive-year-old.IfourZachdidn’tget his way, he resorted to kicking, screaming, or crying.Wespent so much time making sure Zach was happy that weremainedmiserable. Going to the store required both parents.Eating out was an exercise in futility, and neighborhoodbarbecueswerepolitelydeclinedbecausewecouldn’tcountonZachtobehavehimselfatsomeoneelse’shouse.

Onenightwetookachanceandwenttoalocalrestaurant…

BEFORE

Well, the first round went to Zach—in a sense. Actually, itdidn’tgotoanybody,sinceweallwoundupfeelingmiserable.You can’t beat public humiliation for pure fun—and, believeme,we’d been through plenty of scenes like the one you justwitnessed.

We just couldn’t keep on like this. We were gettingdiscouraged,andwehadtodosomethingdifferent.Butexactlywhatwasthat“something”goingtobe?

Feelingdesperate,IdecidedtotryaproductthatIthoughtatthetimewouldbealongshot.

THINKING IT THROUGH

After our talk, there were times when I thought my husbandunderstood what I was saying, but most of the time I felt Iwasn’tgettinganywhere.Hehadn’t read thebook,soIgot the1-2-3 Magic DVD (which I thought was just as good as thebook).Myhusbandhinted—butonlyhinted—thathemightbewillingtowatchtheDVD,butonlyifIwasn’tintheroom!

Why are adult males so hard to talk to? Zach’s behaviorremainedawful.AsfarasIwasconcerned,wewerestillinabigpickle—stuckwithnowheretogo.

Thenonedayamiracleoccurred.

THINKING IT THROUGH

AFTER

Since our “week from hell,” things have been very differentaround our house. Our son now knows that when we saysomething, we mean business. No yelling, no empty threats.Sure, he still pushes the limits at times, but he doesn’t getanywhere.

We’vealsoadvancedouruseof1-2-3Magictothestrategiesforencouraginggoodbehavior(likegettingZachtobed)andtodoing things that reinforce the bond between us (like sharedfun).SincewehavelearnedhowtocontrolZach’soppositionalmoments,itissomucheasiertolikehim!

Thelastthingwewouldhavewantedtohearwhenbeginning1-2-3Magicwasthatwewouldhavetogothroughahellweekbefore seeing results. But we also would never have believedstoriesaboutachildshapingupinjustafewhours,eventhoughwe’veheardithashappenedmanytimes!

We hope our harrowing tale has given you someencouragement!

Nowlet’sgobacktoexplainingthebasicsof1-2-3Magic.

8

HOW TO HANDLE SIBLING RIVALRY,TANTRUMS, POUTING, AND LYING

Managing Four Common Behavioral Problems

FOUR COMMON, BUT AGGRAVATING Stop behaviors require a fewmodifications in our basic procedures. Sibling rivalry, tantrums,pouting, and lying are issues thatmany parents put near the top oftheirlistofhorriblyaggravatingandrepetitivebehaviors.Here’swhattodo.

Sibling Rivalry

Your lifegetsexponentiallymorecomplicatedwhenyouhavemorethanonechildactingup.Nowtherearemultipleactorsinthedrama.

Howareyougoingtohandlethesituation?Siblingrivalrywillnevergoawaycompletely,buthereareafewsimplerulestofollow:

• Guideline1:Countbothkids.Whenthechildrenarefighting,youshouldcountbothkidsmostofthetime,unlessoneistheobvious, unprovoked aggressor. Usually they both helpedproduce the conflict. Be careful—kids are tricky! Someprovokeinsubtlewaysandothersinmoreovertways,soitisoften hard to tell who started a fight—even if you are righttherewatching.

Caution

Never ask the world’s two most ridiculous questions, “Who started it?” and “Whathappened?” unless you think someone is physically injured. Do you expect yourkids to come up with George Washington’s version of “I cannot tell a lie”?

For example, maybe you’re driving the car with the kids in theback and you hear, “Mom, he’s looking atme again!”Who startedthatone?There’sreallynowaytotell.Inthatcase,youshouldcountbothchildren.

• Guideline 2: Never ask the world’s two most ridiculousquestions.Everyparentknowswhatthesequestionsare:“Whathappened?”and“Whostartedit?”Whatdoyouexpecttohear,aversionofGeorgeWashington’s“Icannottellalie”?“Yes,I

started this fight, and the last thirteen consecutive squabbleshave also been my personal responsibility.” That kind ofconfession won’t happen. Instead, all you get is the kidsblamingeachanotherandyelling.

There are, of course, times when you might need to ask whathappened. If, for instance, you think someone might be physicallyinjured, you should examine the child and findoutwhat caused theinjury. The same thingmight be truewith other serious or unusualcases.Butforyourrun-of-the-millinstancesofsiblingrivalry,tryingtofindoutwhathappenedistoooftenalostcause.

• Guideline3:Don’texpectanolderchildtoactmorematureduringafightthanayoungerchild.Evenifyourtwokidsareeleven years old and four years old, don’t say to the eleven-year-old, “She’s only a baby. Can’t you put up with a littleteasing?”Thatcommentistheequivalentofloadingthegunofthe four-year-old, who will be sure to both appreciate yourgenerosityinprovidingammoandtakemaximumadvantageofit.

Along these same lines, imagine for a second that your eleven-year-oldsoncomesuptoyouonedayandsays,“Iwanttoaskyouaquestion.”

“Goahead,”yousay.“HowcomeIalwaysgetaten-minutetime-out,andMissShrimp

overthere(yourfour-year-old)onlyhastogoforfiveminutes?”“Becausetheruleinourhouse,”yousay,“isoneminuteoftime-

outforeachyearofyourlife.”“WELL,THAT’STHEDUMBESTTHINGIEVERHEARDOF!”“That’s1.”Thischilddoesn’treallywantinformation;hewantsafight.Don’t

get sidetracked with a useless argument, and remember that you

should always start countingwhenyour child attacks and saveyourenergyfortruediscussions.

Sharing SpacesWhatifthekidshaveafightandtheysharethesameroom?Itwouldnotbeagoodideatosendtwofightingchildrentothesametime-outplacetocontinuetheirfight.Sendonetohisroomandtheothertoanalternatetime-outroomorplace.Thenforthenextrestperiodreversethelocations.Orusetime-outalternativeswhenbothchildrenfight.Ifyourkidshaveseparatebedroomsandtheyfightonthewaytotheirrestperiods,extendthetime-outsbyfiveortenminutes.

Temper Tantrums

Tantrumscanbecountedorignored.Youmightchoosetoignoreyourtwo-year-old thrashing around on the living room floor after yourefused togivehimyour entiremilk shake.Youcaneven leave theroomifyouthinkthechildwillbesafe.Butyoumightwanttocountyour ten-year-old’s verbal abuse after youwouldn’t let him have afriendover.

In either case, there is a basic rule about dealing with fits oftemper:nevertalkorarguewithatantrumingchild.That’sthesameas pouring gasoline on a fire. Counting isOK because it’s a signalratherthanaconversation.

So let’s say you chose to time-out your six-year-old son fortantruming.He’snowinhisroomandhe’sstillhavingafit.Whatif

the time-outperiod isupbut thechild’snotdonewith the tantrum?Youdon’twant to lethimout inhis condition, and ina sense,he’sjustearnedanothertime-out.Fortunately,theanswertothisdilemmaissimple.Ifthechildisfourorolder,thetime-outdoesn’tstartuntilthetantrumisover.Soifittakeshimfifteenminutestocalmdown,therestperiodstartsafterfifteenminutes.Andifittakesthekidtwohourstocalmdown(hecouldbearoomwrecker!),thetime-outstartsaftertwohours.

Resistthetemptationtostickyourheadintohisroomeveryfiveortenminutessayingthingslike,“Comeonnow,don’tyouthinkthat’senough? We miss you. Dinner’s in five minutes and you havehomeworktodo.”Justleavehimaloneuntilhe’stiredofbeingangry.

Theonlychildrenwedon’tuse this temper-tantrummodificationforarethetwo-andthree-year-olds.Theydon’tseemtogettheidea,so just let them out after a couple ofminutes, even if they’re stilltantruming, and cross your fingers. Once they’re out, ignoring thechild is usually more effective than trying to talk him out of hisirritation. Ifhe still doesn’tquietdown, leavehim in a little longerthenexttime.

Onecaution.Somekidswill tantrumduetosensoryissues.Theirsocks or shoes or sweater literally rubs them thewrongway.Thesesensoryirritabilitiesarenotmisbehavior,nordoesthechildchoosetobe this way. Take the child’s opinions seriously, and avoid theoffendingsmells,tastes,orfeels.

Pouting

Poutingisapassivebehaviorthatisdesignedtomakeyoufeelguilty.Try not to feel guilty when your child sulks after receivingconsequencesformisbehavior.Whyshouldyoufeelbadfortryingtobeagoodparent?Remember:thedemanding,firmpartofparenting

isessentialtothejob,evenifittemporarilyupsetsyourchild.So if you discipline a child and she gives you the ultimate in

martyrlooks,justturnaround,saynothing,andwalkaway.Theonlytimeyouwoulddosomethingdifferentisifyougetwhatwecallan“aggressivepouter.”Anaggressivepouterisachildwhofollowsyoualloverthehousetomakesureyoudon’tmissaminuteofhersourface. If she does, “That’s 1.” She’s trying to rub your nose in hergrumpiness,andyou’renotgoingtoallowhertodothat.

Lying

Countingisnotalwaysusefulforlying,fortworeasons.Onereasonislyingisamoreseriousoffensethatshouldbeaddressedimmediately,and the second reason is lying is often used to cover up othermisbehaviors. Lying drives some parents crazy, and managing thisproblemisoftenconfusinganddifficult,sowe’lltrytoprovidesomebasicguidelinestohelpyoudealwithit.

There are basically two kinds of lies. The first kind involvesmakingupstoriesthataredesignedtoimpressotherpeopleandbuildup one’s ego. This type of verbal fabrication is not common inchildren,whodon’tfeelthesamekindofpressuretoinfluenceothers’opinions of them that adults do. The second—and by far the mostcommon type—is lying to avoid trouble. These lies may involvecovering up a pastmisdeedor trying to get out of someunpleasanttask.Kidswho steal, for example,will almost always lie about thetheft when they are initially confronted. Other kids lie about nothavinghomeworksotheywon’thavetofacethatboringjob.

In dealing with lying, parents should first remember not tooverreact.Nottellingthetruthcertainlyisn’tagoodthing,butit’snotusually a truly terrible behavior. Many parents get so upset aboutlying that they act as though theworld is coming to an end. These

upset grown-ups accomplish two things: (1) they lead the child tobelieve that he is a horrible person, and (2) they increase theprobability ofmore lies in the future. That’s because kids who areafraid that you’ll get upset have a very strong tendency to take theeasywayoutfirstwhenyouconfront them.Thatmeans lying!Theywanttoescapethehotseat—rightnow.

What Should You Do about Lying?

ImaginethattheschoolcallsonTuesdayat1:00p.m.totellyouthatyourten-year-oldson,Tom,gotintoafightwithaboynamedDaveySmithatlunchtime.Atthreeforty-fiveTomcomeshome.Momstartstheconversationlikethis:

“Howwasyourday?”“Good.Youmadememyfavoritesandwichforlunch.”“Speakingoflunchtime,howdidthatgo?”“Fine,weplayedsomebaseball.”“Anythingunusualhappen?”“No.”“OK,listen,youngman.You’relyingtome.Igotacallfromthe

school today,andMr.Pasquini toldmeyougot intoafightwith…”andsoon.

Inthisconversationtheparentis“cornering”herson.Sure,Momwants togetsomeinformationfromTom,butfirstshewants to testhimtoseeifhe’lltellherthetruth.Thisisnotthebestwaytohandlethesituation.

Whenyouknowsomekindof troublehasoccurred,don’tcornerchildren or trick them into telling you something you know is nottrue.Imaginethatonenightrightafterdinneryougiveyourchildthethirddegreeaboutwhetherornothehashomework.Hedenieshavinganyhomeworksixtimesandthenfinally,afteryourseventhquestion,

hebreaksdownandadmitsthathehassomemathtodo.Bythistimeyouare furious,butyoualso feelvictorious thatyou finallygot thetruthoutofthekid.

Butwhathasreallyjusthappened?Youhavegivenyourchildsixtimes topractice lying!Youmay think toyourself,“Sooneror laterhe’llrealizehecan’tfoolmeandhe’llgiveup.”Sometimeskidswillgiveup,butmanychildrenwillcontinuetryingtotaketheeasywayoutfirst.Theywillsimplyworktobecomebetterliars,andyouwillbeprovidingthemwiththeirpracticesessions.

Here’samoreconstructiveapproach.Imaginethatyourchildhasmisbehaved in some way. If you don’t know the truth about whatoccurred,askthechildoncewhathappened.Ifhetellsyouthestoryand you find out later that he lied, punish him for whatever theoffensewasaswellasforthelie.

Trynottosurprisethechildbyaskingyourquestiononthespurofthe moment. Many kids simply respond impulsively. They lie, buttheir real desire is just to end the conversation, get rid of you, andstayoutoftrouble.

Whatifsomethingbadhashappenedandyoualreadyknowallthegorydetails?Youmightsaysomething like this:“Iwantyouto tellme the story of what happened at lunch today, but not right now.Think about it a while and we’ll talk in fifteen minutes. Butremember I already talked with Mr. Pasquini.” No lectures ortantrumsfromyou.

Manyparentsuseanotheroptionwhen(1)theyalreadyknowwhathappened and (2) the child is very likely to lie about the event nomatterhowthequestionsarephrased.Inthiscaseyousimplytellthechildwhatyouknowandthencalmlymeteoutthepunishment.Youdo not even give the child the chance to lie. Under thesecircumstancesmanykidswillblowupandaccuseyouofnottrustingthem.Manage their reactionby ignoring theirstatementorcountingthem,andendtheconversationwith,“I’msureyou’lldobetternext

time.”When you have a child who uses lying regularly to avoid

unpleasanttasks,suchaschoresorhomework,trytofixtheproblem—asmuchasyoucan—sothatlyingdoesnotseemnecessarytothechild.Ifyoursoncontinuallyliesabouthomework,forexample,workout some kind of communication with the teacher, such as a dailyassignment sheet.Thenuse the tacticsdescribed inchapter16, suchasthePNProutineandRoughCheckouttoensurethatthehomeworkis being completed. For chores, consider fixing the problem by thejudicioususeofotherStartbehaviorstrategies(seechapter12).

Lying is not a good thing and you don’twant to encourage it inyourchildren,butitcertainlyisn’ttheendoftheworldeither.Mostpeople, children as well as adults, probably tell a few “stretchers”fromtime to time.Not telling the truthdoesn’tmean thatyourkidsdon’tloveyouorthattheyareboundtogrowuptobecomeinmatesina federal penitentiary. Lying can turn into a significant problem,though,anditneedstobemanagedcarefullyandthoughtfully.Overthe years, frequent emotional overreactions from you—combinedwith badgering and cornering—can help produce an accomplishedliar.

Nowlet’stakealookatReal-LifeStory2.InTheIncredibleCaseoftheTravelingTroublemakers ,you’llseehowoneyoungmomusedcountingveryeffectivelytodealwithhersquabblingoffspringwhileridinginthecar!

Real-LifeStory2

SIBLINGRIVALRY

Parentingisadifficultandcomplicatedjob.Admitit—it’salotharderthanyouimagineditwouldbebeforeyouhadkids!Onceourlittleonesshowedupinourhouse,theretheywere—period.Noescapeandnogoingoutwithoutgettingababysitter.

Before we had children, my husband and I imagined thewarm, fuzzy, peaceful, and affectionate times we would havewith our family—and we did get to enjoy plenty of thosemoments. But after several years of parenting experience, wequickly learned that we also had to manage whining, teasing,tantrums,messiness,andstubbornness.

Andwefoundoutthatmanagingtwokidsisalotharderthanone. Sibling rivalry is chronic, and it’s one of the mostaggravating things parents have to deal with. Managing andminimizingkids’fightingispartofParentingJob1.

Checkoutourstory…

Oneday,onourwayhomeinthecarfromthegrocerystore,mychildren were passing the time looking for pictures in theclouds.Thisisafavoritegameoftheirs,andIlovehearingtheircreative ideas.On thisparticulardaymysix-year-olddaughtersuddenlysaid…

CHAPTERSUMMARYSiblingrivalry,tantrums,pouting,andlyingpresentuniquebehaviormanagement problems for parents. That’s why we put them in aseparate chapter.When these issues arise, put on your thinking capandtakeadeepbreath.Thenyoushouldbereadyforanything!

9

GETTING STARTED WITH COUNTING

How to Talk to Your Kids about 1-2-3 Magicand the New House Rules

A QUESTION PEOPLE OFTENaskatseminarsis,“Doyouexplaintothekidswhatyou’regoingtobedoing?”Theanswerisyes.Startingthe1-2-3 program is fairly easy. The Kickoff Conversation only takesaboutfiveminutes,andalittlerehearsingbeforehandonlytakesafewminutesmore.Butdon’tputalotofstockintheimpactofthisinitialconversation.Wishfulthinkingonyourpartwillnotdothejob.Lotsofchildrendon’treallygettheideauntil they’vebeencountedforawhileandbeentotheirroomsafewtimes,oruntilafterthey’veseentheirsiblingscounted.

Ifbothparentsarelivingathome,orevenifMomandDadliveinseparate places, it’s preferable if both grown-ups sit down togetherwiththechildrenanddotheinitialexplaining.Ifyouhaveanexandyoudon’tgetalong,dotheKickoffseparatelyorthetensionbetween

youandyourformerpartnercouldinterferewiththeexplanation.

Getting Started

Here’sonewaytostart:“Listen,youguysknowtherearetimeswhenyoudo thingswedon’t care for, like arguing,whining, and teasing.From now onwe’re going to do something different.Whenwe seeyoudoingsomethingyou’renotsupposedtodo,we’llsay,‘That’s1.’That’sawarning,anditmeansyou’resupposedtostop.Ifyoudon’tstop,we’llsay,‘That’s2.’Thatwillbeyoursecondwarning.Ifyoustill don’t stop, we’ll say, ‘That’s 3. Take five (or however manyminutesequalsyourage).’Thatmeansyouhavetogotoyourroomforatime-out.It’slikeakindofrestperiod.Whenyoucomeout,wedon’t talkaboutwhathappenedunless it’s reallynecessary.Wejustforgetitandstartover.”

QuikTip

It’s very important to rehearse or role-play the counting procedure for olderchildren as well as little kids. This gives the children a real feel for what’s going tohappen when you start counting, and it also lets them know you’re serious aboutaddressing their behavior in a new way.

“Bytheway,kids,there’spartofthisnewsystemthatyou’lllike

andpartyouwon’tlike.Here’swhatyouwon’tlike:ifthethingyoudo is bad enough to start with, like swearing or hitting, we’ll say,‘That’s 3. Take ten or fifteen.’ That means there aren’t any otherwarnings.You just go straight to your room, and the time will belonger.

“Thepartyouwilllikeisthatmostofthetimewewon’ttalkaboutwhathappenedafteratime-out.Well,that’sthenewdeal.It’sprettysimple.Doyouhaveanyquestions?”

You can expect the kids to sit there and look at you like you’vejust gone off your rocker. Some kids will poke each other andexchange knowing glances, as if to say, “Well, it looks like Momwenttothelibraryagainandgotanotheroneofthosebooksonhowtoraiseus.Lasttimeshestucktoitforaboutfourdays,andDadneverdid anything different at all. I think if we stick together and hangtough,weshouldberunningthehouseagaininsideofaweek,right?”

Don’t expect your kids to be grateful, to look enlightened, or tothankyou foryourefforts to raise themresponsibly. Justgetgoing,sticktoyourguns,and—whenindoubt—count!

Dress Rehearsal

Nowyoucanhavesomefun.Sincesometwo-,three-,andfour-year-oldswon’tunderstandeverythingyou’vejustsaid,it’sagoodideatorehearse or role-play counting for them. It’s also very important torehearsewith theolderchildren.Rehearsing theproceduregives thekids a feel for what’s going to happen and also tells the childrenyou’reserious.

Here’s what you say next: “Kids, let’s practice counting. Whowantstostart?OK,Kieran,pretendyou’rewhiningatmeforcandy.Can you do a good whine?” (Kid whines). “Wow, that was a goodwhine!NowI’llsay,‘That’s1.’Nowwhineagain…”Andsoon.

Nowtakethemthroughtherestoftheprocedure,sotheygetafeelforbeingcounted,hittingthree,gettingtothetime-outroomorchair,serving the time (abbreviate the time-out), and then being let out.Make sure you praise them in an age-appropriate way for theircooperation.

Other possible role plays: The little ones can count a stuffedanimal.MomandDadcancounteachother(afteronepretendstobeamisbehaving kid). The kids can count you, and you go to time-out.While on your way to time-out, don’t go like a Goody Two-shoes.Grumblealittle!Themessage:it’sOKtonotlikebeingcountedandgoingtotime-out.

Atthispoint,youmayfeelthatyou’rereadytostartusingthe1-2-3program.Butremember—abouthalfofkidswillstrugglewith thecountingsystemandcontinuetoactoutdespitebeingcounted.Inthenextchapter,we’lldiscusstheSixKindsofTestingandManipulationthatyourkidsmightusetoderailthe1-2-3Magicprogram,andhowyoucanprepareforthosebehaviorstokeepyourfamilyontrack.

CHAPTERSUMMARYYou’realmostreadytobeginyourfirstgiantparentingstep:

ControllingObnoxiousBehavior!

PART III

Managing Testing and ManipulationCHAPTER 10

Recognizing the Six Types of Testing and Manipulation

CHAPTER 11Tales from the Trenches

10

RECOGNIZING THE SIX TYPES OFTESTING AND MANIPULATION

How to Prepare for Kids Resisting 1-2-3 Magic

WHEN YOU ARE INthewarm,friendlyparentingmode,youwillusuallynot be frustrating your children.When you are operating from thedemanding,firmside,however,youwillbe!Asaparent,youhavetoregularlyfrustrateyourchildreninthreemainways:(1)askthemtostartdoingthingstheydon’twanttodo(homework,goingtobed),(2)askthemtostopdoingthingstheydowanttodo(teasing,whining),and(3)notgivethemsomethingtheywant(cookie,toy).

When you are frustrating your little ones, the children have twochoices. First, they can cooperate with what you want and toleratetheirownfrustration.Mostkidsgraduallylearnthatfrustrationisnottheendoftheworld,andastheymaturetheybegintogetasensethatputting up with present aggravations may actually be the route tofuturerewards.Thatabilitytodelaygratificationnowforsomethingbetterlaterisonefoundationofemotionalintelligence.

Ontheotherhand,frustratedchildrencanengageinwhatwecall

testing andmanipulation. These are the efforts of the less-powerfulchildtogetwhathewantsortoavoiddisciplinebymakinghisparentemotionallyconfusedandconsequentlysidetracked.

Three Things to Remember about Testing andManipulation

1. Testingoccurswhenachildisfrustrated.Youarenotgivinghim thepotatochipshewants;youarecountinghim;youaremakinghimdohomeworkorgotobed.Hedoesn’tlikethisandhopes for away togetwhat hewants in spite of theobstacle(you).

2. Testing, therefore, is purposeful behavior. The primarypurposeofachild’stesting,obviously,istogethiswayratherthanhaveyouimposeyourwillonhim.Ifthechildstilldoesn’tget his way, testing and manipulation can have a secondarypurpose:revenge.

3. When engaging in testing andmanipulation, a child has achoice of six basic tactics. All six can serve the primarypurpose of getting one’s way, and five of the six tactics canservethesecondarypurposeofrevenge.Oftenachild’stestingbehaviorwillrepresentacombinationofoneormoreofthesixbasictactics.

KeyConcept

The first goal of testing is for the child to get what he wants. Since he’s lesspowerful than you are, he must use emotional manipulation. If the child still fails toget what he wants, the second goal of testing is often retaliation or revenge. Thekid is going to make you pay for not letting him get his way!

Allparentswillrecognizethemanipulativetacticsweareabouttodescribe;youhavelikelyencounteredeachofthemmanytimeswithyourchildren.Grown-upsareusuallyaware—iftheythinkaboutit—ofwhichmaneuversareusedbywhichchildren.Momsanddadsmayalsorecognizesomeoftheirownfavoritestrategies,sinceadultsusethesamebasicmanipulativemethodstogetwhattheywant.

Bytheway,theuseoftestingandmanipulationdoesnotmeanthata child is emotionally troubled or in need of psychological care.Attempts to get yourway, aswell as attempts to punish the biggerpeople who don’t give you your way, are perfectly normal humanpsychological tactics. The use of testing also does not require anexceptionally high IQ. In fact, adults are often amazed at hownaturally and skillfully little kids can produce andmodify complextesting strategies. Because our sons and daughters are so naturallyskilled, it is very important that adult caregivers understandchildren’stestingtacticsandhowtomanagethem.

The Six Basic Testing Tactics

Here are the six fundamental strategies that children use to try toinfluencetheadultswhoarefrustratingthem.

1. Badgering: “Why? Why? Why? Why?”Badgering is the “Please, please, please, please!” or “Why, why,why?”routine.“Justthisonce!Justthisonce!Justthisonce!Justthisonce!”“Mom!Mom!Mom!Mom!Mom!”Somechildrencouldhavebeenmachinegunsduringthelastwar.Thechildkeepsafteryouandafteryouandafteryou,tryingtowearyoudownwithrepetition.“JustgivemewhatIwantandI’llshutup!”istheunderlyingmessage.

Badgeringcanbeparticularlytaxingwhenitisdoneloudlyandinpublic.Someparentsattempt torespondtoeverythingthefrustratedchildsayseverytimeshesaysit.MomorDadmaytrytoexplain,toreassure,ortodistractthechild.Asbadgeringcontinues,parentscanbecomemoreandmoredesperate,goingontheequivalentofaverbalwild-goosechase—searching for the rightwordsor reasons tomakethe child keep quiet. However, many kids are extremely single-mindedoncetheirbadgeringstarts.Theywon’tstopuntileithertheygetwhattheywantortheirparentusesamoreeffectiveapproachtostopthetesting.

Badgeringiswhatwerefertoasagreat“blender”tactic,sinceitmixeseasilywithothermanipulativestrategies.Thebasicelementinbadgering, of course, is repetition. Sowhen any of the other verbaltesting tactics are repeated again and again, the resultingmanipulative strategy is a combination of that other tactic plus therepetitivepowerofbadgering.

2. Temper (Intimidation): “I HATE YOU!”Displays of temper, orwhatwe sometimes refer to as intimidation,involve obvious, aggressive behavior. Younger children whoselanguage skills aren’t quite as developedmay throw themselves onthe floor,bang theirheads,hollerat the topof their lungs,andkickaround ferociously. Older kids may come up with arguments thataccuse you of being unjust, illogical, or simply a bad parent in

general. When frustrated, older kids may also swear or complainangrily.

Somechildren’sfitsoftempergoonforverylongperiods.ManyADHD and bipolar children, for example, have been known to rantand rave formore than an hour at a time. In the process theymaydamage property or trash their rooms. Tantrums will be prolongedevenfurther if(1) thechildhasanaudience;(2) theadults involvedcontinuetalking,arguing,orpleadingwiththechild;or(3)theadultsdon’tknowhowtohandletheaggression.

Temperfitsintwo-year-oldscanbeaggravating,buttheycanalsobefunny.Mywifetookapictureofoursonwhenhewasanenergetictoddlerhavingatempertantrumrightinthemiddleoftheashesinthefireplace atmy parents’ home. (The firewas not going, of course.)Weallcanstilllaughatthatscene.

As kids get older and more powerful, tantrums get moreworrisomeandjustplainscarier.That’swhyweliketoseethemwellcontrolledoreliminatedbythetimeachildisfiveorsix.

3. Threat: “I’m going to run away from home!”Frustratedkidsoftenthreatentheirparentswithdirepredictionsiftheadults don’t come across with the desired goods. Here are a fewexamples:

“I’mgoingtorunawayfromhome!”“I’llneverspeaktoyouagain!”“I’mgoingtokillmyself!”“I’mnoteatingdinnerandIwon’tdomyhomework!”

Themessageisclear:somethingbadisgoingtohappenunlessyougivemewhatIwantimmediately.GivemetheTwinkierightbeforedinner,stopcountingme,don’tmakemegotobed,orelse!Someofthe threats thatyoungerchildrencomeupwithare funny.One littlegirl,whosemotherwastryingtogethertogotobed,angrilyshouted,“All right, I’llgo.But I’mgoing to lie thereallnightwithmyeyesopen!”

Another child, a six-year-oldboy,was counted and timedoutbyhisfatherforsquirtingthedogwithahose.Theboythreatenedtorunaway, actually packed a small bag, and walked out the front door.Afterfiveminutes,however,hewalkedbackinthedoorandyelledathisdad,“Icouldn’trunawaybecauseyouguyswon’tletmecrossthestreet!”

Other threats are not funny.Some frustrated children threaten tokillthemselves,andthisissomethingnoparenttakeslightly.Parentswonder if these threats are justmanipulative or if their child reallywants todie.Twoquestionscanhelpparents sortout thisdilemma.Firstofall,isthischildgenerallyhappy?Doessheenjoylifemostofthetime,havefriends,doOKinschool,andfitintothefamily?Iftheanswerstothesequestionsarepositive,itislesslikelythatthechildtrulywantstoendherlife.Second,didthesuicidalthreatcomeoutofthe blue or was the comment a response to some obvious recentfrustration?If“I’mgoingtokillmyself”comesoutofnowhere, thethreatisalwaysmoreworrisomeandneedstobelookedinto.

4. Martyrdom: “I never get anything!”Martyr-liketestingtacticsareaperennialfavoriteofchildren.Whenusing martyrdom, the child may indicate that his life has becometotallyunfairandanincredibleburden.“Noonearoundherelovesmeanymore,”“Inevergetanything,”or“Youlikehermorethanme”areexamples.

Or the childmay actually do something that has a self-punitive,self-denyingflavor,suchasnoteatingdinner,sittingintheclosetforanhour,or staringout thewindowwithout talking.Crying,pouting,and simply looking sad or teary can also be useful manipulativedevices.

The goal of martyrdom, obviously, is to make the parent feelguilty, and martyrdom can be surprisingly effective. This testingtactic is very difficult for adults to handle. Many moms and dadsseemtohaveaguiltbuttonthesizeofthestateofWyoming!Allthekids have to do is push that button and they wind up running thehouse.

Children learn early on that parents are highly invested in thewelfareoftheiroffspring.Kidsknowtheircaregiverswantthemtobesafe, happy, and healthy.Unfortunately, kids also seem to naturallyappreciatethelogicalconsequenceofthisadultcommitment.Actinghurtordeprivedcanbeapowerfulwayofinfluencingadultbehavior.

Two-year-olds,forexample,willsometimesholdtheirbreathuntilthey turnbluewhen theyaremadaboutnotgettingwhat theywant.Manyparentswonderhowachildcouldevencomeupwithan idealike that.One creative child,whosemother had just sent her to herbedroom,washeardyellingoutherwindow,“Ican’tbreathe!Ican’tbreathe!”Thistacticmayhavebeencreative,butitwasnoteffective.

5. Butter Up: “You’re the nicest dad in the world!”Thefifthtactic,butterup,takesanapproachthat’sdifferentfromthefirstfour.Insteadofmakingyoufeeluncomfortable,thechildtriesto

makeyoufeelgood.Youmayruntheriskoflosingthisgoodfeelingifyousubsequentlyfrustratethechild.

“Gee,Mom,you’vegottheprettiesteyesofanybodyontheblock”is a fairly blatant example.Or, “I think I’ll go cleanmy room. It’sbeen lookingkind ofmessy for the last threeweeks.And after thatmaybeI’lltakealookatthegarage.”

Withbutterup,thebasicmessagefromchildtoparentis:“You’llfeelreallybadifyoumistreatordisciplineordenymeafterhowniceI’ve been to you.”Butter up is intended to be an advance setup forparentalguilt.Thechildisimplying,“You’llfeelsopositivelytowardmethatyouwon’thavethehearttomakemefeelbad.”

Children can use promises as butter-up manipulation. “Please,Mom.Please. I’ll eatmydinnerand Ipromise Iwon’tevenask forany dessert,” said one little girl whowanted a snack at five in theafternoon. Some promises kids make are impossibilities. One littleboy,while in theprocessofpressinghis father foranewcomputer,said,“I’llneveraskyouforanythingeveragain.”

Apologiescanbesincere,buttheycanalsobeexamplesofbutter-up testing. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I said I’m sorry,” one little boypleaded inanattempt toavoidbeinggrounded for sockinghis littlebrother.

Butter-upmanipulationisobviouslytheleastobnoxiousofallthetestingtactics.Infact,somepeopledon’tthinkitshouldbelabeledastestingatall.Itistruethatbutterupissometimeshardtodistinguishfromgenuineaffection. Ifachildsays“I loveyou”anddoesn’taskforanything immediatelyafterward, it’sprobablygenuineaffection.

Andachildwhoasksifhecanhaveafriendoverifhecleansuphisroommaybeproposingastraightforwardandlegitimatedeal.Butifyou’veeverheardaparentsay,“Theonlytimemyson’severniceiswhen hewants something,” that person is probably referring to thebutter-uptactic.

6. Physical Tactics: Pow! Whack! Bam!Fromaparent’sperspective,thisformoftestingisperhapstheworststrategy of all. Here the frustrated child may physically attack anadult,breaksomething,orrunaway.Physicalmethodsoftryingtogetone’swayaremorecommoninsmallerchildrenwhodon’thavewell-developed language skills. When the use of this type of testingcontinuesbeyondagefourorfive,webegintoworry.Somekidshavealonghistoryofthiskindofbehavior,andthebiggerthechildgets,thescariertheiruseofphysicalstrategiesgets.

For example, some parents who use time-outs tell us that theirchildren sometimes physically attack when the parent is trying toescort the child to the time-out area. Some children become quiteferocious—kicking, biting, scratching, pinching, and hitting whileyellingatthetopoftheirlungs.

Other frustrated, physically oriented kids will smash or breakthings—sometimeseventheirownpossessions.Oneten-year-oldboy,for instance,wassent tohis roomfor fightingwithhisbrother.Thedoortohisbedroomhappenedtobeshutwhenhegottoit,sohegaveit one of his best karate kicks, cracking the door down themiddle.Anotherboysmashedacoffeemugonthetilefloorinthefronthallofthehouse.Unfortunately,oneofthelargerpiecesofthemugwentflyingintotheglassstormdoor,whichshattered.

Anotherphysicaltestingtactic,runningaway,isnotusedalotbyyounger children. Threats to run away appear more often in kidsunderseven.Oneseven-year-oldboyusedadifferentversionofthisideaonhismother,whohadjustdeniedhisrequesttogooutside.The

boy sneaked down to the basement and hid for two hours, notrespondingtoanyonewhocalledhisname.Thetacticwaseffective,atleastinpunishinghismother,whowasbesideherselfwithworry.

What’s Going On Here?

Mostkids,ofcourse,wouldneverbeabletodescribetheunderlyingmechanics of testing. Butwe can tell you exactlywhat’s going on.Here’showitworks:Thesixtestingandmanipulationtacticsshareacommondynamic.Withoutquiteknowingwhathe’sdoing,thechildis in effect saying to the parent: “Look, you’re making meuncomfortablebynotgivingmewhatIwant.You’remakingmegetout of bed, you’re countingme for teasingmy sister, or you’re notbuyingmeatreat.ButnowI’malsomakingyouuncomfortablewithmy badgering, tantrums, ominous statements, etc. Now that we’rebothuncomfortable.I’llmakeyouadeal:youcalloffyourdogsandI’llcalloffmine.”

QuikTip

A child who is testing you is offering you a deal: give me what I want, and mybadgering, temper, threat, or martyrdom will stop—immediately! Does that soundlike a deal you can’t refuse? Think again!

If you do give in and give the child what he wants, you areguaranteed thatany testingwill stop immediately. Inasplit second,

nomorehassles.Somepeoplesay,“Thankheaven—there’sawayofgetting rid of testing and manipulation!” There certainly is, butwhat’sthecatch?Thecatch,ofcourse,iswho’srunningyourhouse?It certainly isn’t you; it’s the kids. All they have to do during aconflict is get out their bigmanipulative guns andyou are choppedliver.

Who’s Pushing Your Buttons?

Thinkofeachofyourkids,oneatatime,andaskyourself,“Doesthischild have a favorite testing tactic? One that he or she uses veryfrequently or all the time?” If your answer is yes, that’s bad news.Why?Becausethatmeansthetestingployworksforthechild.Peopledon’tgenerallyrepeatbehaviorthatdoesn’tworkforthem.

Caution

Does your child have a favorite testing tactic? If your answer is yes, that meansthe strategy is working, either by:1. getting the child her way or2. allowing her to get revenge on the adult she is testing.

Let’srecallthetwopurposesoftestingandmanipulation.Firstofall,atestingstrategyworkswhenthechildsuccessfullygetshiswaybyusingthattactic.Howdoyouknowifachildisgettinghiswayby

testing?It’sobvious—youjustgiveittohim.Yougivehimthesnackrightbeforedinner,turntheTVbackonwhilehe’sdoinghomework,stopcountinghimwhenhe’steasingthedog,ordon’tmakehimgotobed.

Theideathatthetestingtactic“works”canalsorefertothesecondpurpose of testing and manipulation: revenge. Children will repeattactics thatprovideaneffectivewayofretaliatingagainst theadultswho are causing the frustration. How does a child know if she iseffectivelygettingrevenge?TheanswertakesusrightbacktotheNoTalking,NoEmotionRules.Ifyourchildcangetyouveryupsetandgetyoutalkingtoomuch,sheknowsshe’sgotyou.

Children know they are getting effective revenge when theirparents say things like, “How many times do I have to tell you?”“Whycan’tyoujusttakenoforananswer?”“AREYOUTRYINGTODRIVEMENUTS?”Theangrypartofyourfrustratedchildwillfindcommentslikethesesatisfying,andthenexttimeyourchildisupsetwithyou,hewillknowexactlyhowtopresstherevengebutton.

Let’s imagine that you want your son to do his homework, forexample,andhehasatantrum(Tactic2)becausehewantstowatchTV instead. If you don’t follow the No Talking and No EmotionRules, your response turns into a counter temper tantrum.You getmoreupsetthanyoursondid!Finalscore:Child1,Parent0.Hegotsatisfactionfromgettingtheangry,bigsplashoutofthelarger,“morepowerful”adult.

Other kids retaliate bymaking their parents feel guilty. Imaginethatyourdaughter—whenaskedtogotobed—resorts tomartyrdom(Tactic 4): “Well, it’s obvious that nobody around here loves meanymore.Imightaswellhitchhiketothenextstateandfindafamilymore compatible with my basic needs.” Here she adds a touch ofthreat,Tactic3.Youfeel frightenedandguilty.Youarecertain thatunloved children grow up to be degenerates or serial killers.Yourresponseistosityourdaughterdownonyourlapandtellherforhalf

anhourhowmuchyouloveher,howmuchDadandthedogloveher,andsoon.

You have just been had by Tactic 4, martyrdom. You aresquirminganduncomfortable,andyourchild ismakingyoupay foryourparentingsins.Alwaysrememberthis:unlessyouareagrosslyneglectfulorabusiveparent,yourkidsknowthatyoulovethem.Byallmeanstellthemthatyoulovethem,butnevertellthemthatwhenthey’repullingTactic4onyou.

How to Manage Testing and Manipulation

Nowlet’ssayyou’regettingintothespiritof1-2-3Magicandyou’retougheningupsome.Yourten-year-oldsonwantstogotoafriend’shouseatnineonaschoolnight.Youdenyhisrequestandtellhimit’stoolate.Thefollowingsceneoccurs:

“Whynot?Comeon,justthisonce!”(Badgering)“Can’tdoit.”“Inevergetanything.”(Martyrdom,badgering)“Idon’tthinkyou’retoounderprivileged.”“I’llcleanthegaragetomorrow.”(Butterup,badgering)“ThegarageisOKthewayitis.Ijustcleanedit.”“Thisstinks—IHATEYOURGUTS!”(Intimidation,badgering)“Sorry.”Thechildthrowsabookonthefloor.(Physicaltactic)“Watchyourstep,pal.”“Please,PLEASE!Oh,comeon,it’snotsolate.”(Badgering)“Noway.Nottonight.”“Ifyoudon’tletme,I’mrunningaway!”(Threat,badgering)Thisinteractionmaybeaggravating,butinawayit’sgood!Why?

Because something constructive is happening. The child is fishingaround,switchingtacticsandprobingforyourweakspot.Buthecan’t

findaweakspot.Youarestickingtoyourguns.Notonlythat,butyouareremainingfairlycalminspiteoftheaggravation.

Thereisonethingwrongwiththisexample,however,andthathastodowithhowyouhandletestingandmanipulation.Youwouldnotlet thechildswitch tactics thatmanytimes(andyouwouldalsonottalksomuch).Whatshouldyoudo,then?Well,ifyoulookatourlistof six testing tactics, five of them (except butter up) are Stopbehavior.Asyouknow,Stopbehaviorshouldbecounted.Soifachildwaspushingyouthismuch,heshouldbecounted.

Thisishowthesceneshouldbehandledusingthe1-2-3program.Rememberthattheboyhasalreadybeengivenanexplanation:

“Whynot?Comeon,justthisonce!”(Badgering)“That’s1.”“Inevergetanything.”(Martyrdom,badgering)“That’s2.”“I’llcleanthegaragetomorrow.”(Butterup,badgering)“That’s3.Taketen.”The thirdcount ismore for thebadgering than thebutterup,but

it’sobviousthiskid’snotgoingtogiveupuntiltheparentgentlybutfirmlyputshisfootdown.Thatgoalisachievedbycountingandtheresultingtime-out.

Remember:with theexceptionsofbutterupandpassivepouting,testing and manipulation should be counted, especially in thebeginningwhenyou’re just starting 1-2-3Magic.Once the kids areused to the discipline system, the less aggressive, less obnoxiousforms of testing can—at your discretion—occasionally be ignored.Theeffectivenessofnotrespondingatall(verballyornonverbally)toachild’s testingcanbeevaluatedbyhowquickly thechildgivesupthebattle.Manykidssoonlearnthatnoresponsefromyou(ignoring)meansthey’renotgoingtogettheirwayorgeteffectiverevenge.

Which Testing Tactic Is the Most Common?

Badgering,temper,threat,martyrdom,butterup,andphysicaltacticsare all methods children use to get their way with adults.And allthesetactics,exceptbutterup,canalsobeusedbykidstopunishtheuncooperative adultswho obstinately persist in refusing to give thechildrenwhattheywant.

We have taken several surveys of parents and teachers, askingwhichtacticstheythoughtchildrenusedthemost.Interestingly,bothgroups of grown-ups always mention the same three: badgering,temper,and—theoverwhelmingfavorite—martyrdom.

You will also be interested to know that the most annoyingmanipulativemaneuverusedbychildrenisatacticthatcombinestwoof the three favorites. This tactic, which drives many parentsabsolutelynuts,isacombinationofmartyrdom(4)andbadgering(1).The word describing it starts with the letter W. You guessed it:whining!

What to Expect in the Beginning

Aswementioned before, once you start counting, the kidswill fallprimarilyintotwocategories:immediatecooperatorsandimmediatetesters.Ifyou’reluckytohaveimmediatecooperators,enjoyit!Youwill feel more affectionate toward your children because they arelisteningtoyou.Youwillwanttohavemorefunwithyourkids,talkwiththem,praisethem,andlistentothem.Youwillenjoyworkingonbuilding a good relationship. This good relationship, in turn, willmake counting (1) less necessary and (2) a lot easier when it isnecessary.

Immediatetesters,however,getworseatfirst.Whenyouletthemknow you’re going to be the boss and you take away the power of

their favorite testing strategies, these children deteriorate in twoways. Some will up the ante with a particular testing tactic. Thevolume and length of a child’s tantrums, for example,may double.Badgeringmay becomemore intense or aggressive, andmartyrdommaybecomemorewhineyandpathetic.

The other unpleasant change you may see initially in non-cooperators is tactic switching. The kids may try manipulativestrategiesyouhaven’tseenbefore,ortheymayreturntootherstheyhaven’t used for years. The most common switches involve goingfrombadgeringandmartyrdom(andwhining!)totemper.Somekids,quiteunderstandably,blowupwhentheirattemptstowearyoudownwithrepetitionormakeyoufeelguiltyfail.Althoughtacticswitchingisaggravating,rememberthatswitchingisalmostalwaysasignthatyouaredoingwellatstickingtoyourguns.Keepitup!

Whatdoyoudowhenyou’refacedwithtacticescalationandtacticswitching? Several things are important: (1)Don’t get discouraged;thisisanormalstagemanychildrengothroughwhileadjustingto1-2-3 Magic. (2) Count when necessary. (3) Keep your mouth shutexceptfornecessaryexplanationsandthecountingitself.Eventually,tacticescalationandtacticswitchingwilldiminishandyourchildrenwillacceptyourdisciplinewithouthavingafiteverytimeyouhavetofrustratethem.Youthenhavewonthebattle.Youaretheparent,theyarethechildren,andyourhomeisamorepeacefulplace.

QuikTip

When in doubt, count!

One final word: after cooperating initially, some kids become“delayedtesters”later.Delayedtestingcanoccurafterthenoveltyofthenewsystemwearsoff,whenthechildrenbegintorealizethattheyaren’tgettingtheirwayanymore,orifyourroutinegetsdisruptedbytravel,visitors,illness,newbabies,orotherfactors.

If you’re unprepared for it, delayed testing can be a bitdisillusioning.Youthinktoyourself,“Thekidsweresogoodbefore!”Youmayfeellikethewholesystemisfallingapart,orthatitwastoogoodtobetrue.Fortunately, theremedyisnotfaraway.Read1-2-3Magic again, watch the DVD, discuss the suggestions with yourspouse if possible, thengetback tobasics.PracticeNoTalking,NoEmotion;begentlebutaggressive;andwhenindoubt,count.

CHAPTERSUMMARYKids’All-TimeFavoriteTactic?

11

TALES FROM THE TRENCHES

Real Stories from Real Parents

NOW LET’S STUDY SOMEexamplesofthe1-2-3inactiontogiveyouafeel for how and when counting can be used. Our stories andcommentaries will illustrate some of the basic do’s and don’tsinvolved with the procedure. In some of our examples, when ourparents don’t do sowellwith their discipline the first time around,we’ll give them a chance to correct their mistakes.Wouldn’t it beniceifyouhadthatopportunityinreallife?Guesswhat?Youdo.

Sibling Rivalry I

Round OneLike most siblings, nine-year-old John and seven-year-old Brittanyare the best of friends and the worst of enemies. They are playingwith Legos on the living room floor. Dad is watching the football

gameonTVandisamazedthekidsaregettingalongsowell,butthefunisabouttoend.

“Brittany,Ineedanotherwheelformytank,”saysJohn.“No,John,I’vegotitonmywagon,”Brittanysays.(Dadsquirmsinhischair.It’sfourth-and-goalforthegoodguys.)“Lemme just use onewheel now. I’ll give it back to you later,”

suggestsBrother.“No,mywagonneedsfourwheels,”repliesSister.“Yourwagonlooksstupid!”“Dad,John’sgonnatakeoneofmywheelsandIhadthemfirst!”(Dad’steamhadtotryforafieldgoalanditwasblocked.Dadis

notpleased.)“Bothofyou,knockitoff!”“Shedoesn’tneed tohogall thewheels.Therearen’tenoughfor

metomakewhatIwant,andthey’remyLegos.”“ButImadethisfirst!”“OK,kids,that’s1forbothofyou.”“She’sanidiot.”(Johnsmasheshiscreationandleaves.)

HowDidHeDo?Pretty good discipline job by Dad. Perhaps he should have counted a little bitsooner instead of growling “Knock it off!” Should Dad have counted John forsmashing his tank or bad-mouthing his sister? Some parents would count thesebehaviors, but others wouldn’t because the tank was John’s (and it can berebuilt). John may also be doing the right thing by leaving the situation.

Round TwoSecond chance: let’s give Dad another chance to improve hisparentingtechnique.

“Brittany,Ineedanotherwheelformytank,”saysJohn.“No,John,I’vegotitonmywagon,”Brittanysays.

(Dadsquirmsinhischair.It’sfourth-and-goalforthegoodguys.)“Lemme just use onewheel now. I’ll give it back to you later,”

suggestsBrother.“No,mywagonneedsfourwheels,”repliesSister.“Yourwagonlooksstupid!”“Kids,that’s1forbothofyou.”(Dad’steamhadtotryforafieldgoalanditwasblocked.Dadis

notpleased.)“Shedoesn’tneed tohogall thewheels.Therearen’tenoughfor

metomakewhatIwant,andthey’remyLegos.”“ButImadethisfirst!”“OK,kids,that’s2.”

HowDidHeDo?Dad did much better this time, especially since he was extra aggravated after histeam blew its scoring opportunity. Excellent self-control and an excellent job ofnot taking out his extra frustration on the kids.

Sibling Rivalry II

Sean,nine,andTammi,eleven,aregettingintoitwhiletryingtoplayScrabbleinthelivingroom.Dadiswashingdishesinthekitchen.

“It’smyturn.”“Noitisn’t.Youlostit’causeyoutooksolong.”“Givemethat.Iwasgoingtopickupthatone!”“Youscratchedme!”“Ididnot,youidiot!Youstartedit!”“You’resodumbitisn’tfunny.”(Dadenters.)“What’sgoingonhere?”“She’scheating!”

“Iamnot,lamebrain.You’retooslow!”“Bequiet,bothofyou!Tellmewhathappened.”Generalyellingandchaosfollowtheill-fatedinquiry.“OK,that’s1forbothofyou.”(Generalyellingandchaoscontinue.)“That’s2.”Sean turnsover theScrabbleboard,grabsabunchof letters, and

throwsthematthepiano.“Sean,that’s3.Takearestforten.”

HowDidHeDo?Dad recovered pretty well after beginning badly by asking the world’s mostridiculous question. He should have started counting earlier.

1-2-3, Separate!

Joey,eight,andMaddie,six,areinthefamilyroom.Joeyisplayingwith his dinosaurs, and Maddie is working on a puzzle. Janet is asinglemomwhoisenjoyingthepeaceandquietwhilecookingdinnerin the kitchen. Maddie starts humming to herself. After a fewseconds, Joey asks her to stop. She says she won’t. The bickeringescalates.

“Joey,Maddie,that’s1,”saysMom.Both children are now on a count of 1, according to the usual

sibling rivalryandcountingprocedure. In this situation,however, ifthekidshit 3,Momhasdecided that shewill use aunique formoftime-outalternativethatisalsoanaturalconsequenceoftheiractions.(Seechapter12.)Thebickeringcontinuesthroughacountof2,soat3Momsays:

“OK,guys.That’s3,separate.”Thismeans that thechildrenhave togo todifferentplaces.They

cannot be together. It’s like the old bar-closing adage: “You don’thave to go to your room, but you can’t stay here.” Both kidsmustleave the room they were sharing. Where they go is their choice,exceptthattheycannotchoosethesameplace.Theymaybringtheirtoys.

HowDidSheDo?Good creativity by this mother. Separating them is more of an interruption orredirection than a punishment. Separation can also be useful if the kids share aroom and can’t both go there for time-out. The separation period can last theusual one minute per year of life, or it can be longer—until dinner is served, forinstance. If the kids don’t comply, the usual time-out is in order.

Trouble at the Grocery Store

Round OneRita is fouryearsold and loves togo shopping at thegrocery storewith her mom. The reason she loves shopping trips is because thestorehaskiddiecartsshecanpusharoundjustlikehermotherdoes.Rita’s mom, however, does not enjoy shopping with her daughterquiteasmuch.ThereasonMomdoesnotliketheseshoppingtripsisbecause sooner or later, Rita always starts running aroundwith thecart.Lastweekthelittlegirlranintothebigshoppingcartofanoldergentleman.Although the man was nice about it and even laughed,Momisafraidherdaughterwillhurtsomeone.

Talkaboutthedevilandthedeepbluesea!IfMomdoesn’tletRitahaveacart, thegirlwill throwaragingfit—guaranteed—infrontofeveryoneinthestore.Momfeelsherdaughterisrunningtheshow.

Mom is correct.Here’show the scenegoeswhenMomandRitaenterthestore:

“Mom!CanIpushacart?”“Idon’tthinkso,dear.Nottoday.LookattheFuzzyBearsign!”“Whycan’tI?”“I just told you, dear. Now please don’t start giving me a hard

time.”“Iwannapushmyownone!”“Nowstopthat!That’senough!Comeon,we’vegotalotofthings

toget.”“Inevergettodoanything!”Ritastartscryingloudly.“OK,OK!Stopthat!”MomgetsakiddiecartforRita.Shegrabs

the cart, but Mom holds the cart for a second and looks at herdaughterfirmly.

“Rita,lookatme.Youhavetopromisemeyouwon’trunwiththecart.Youmighthurtsomeone.Doyouunderstandme?”

“Yes.”“Andyoupromiseyouwon’trunwiththecart?”“Yes.”“Say‘Ipromise.’”“Ipromise.”“OK.Nowlet’sgetourstuff.I’llputsomethingsinyourcart.”Rita does just fine for sixminutes.Then she starts runningwith

herkiddie cart, giggling as she zoomspast the spaghetti sauce.Hermother pretends she doesn’t notice, but then she cuts the shoppingtripshortaftergettingonlyone-thirdofthethingssheneeded.Maybeshecancomebacklaterandgettherestofwhatshewantsbyherself.

HowDidSheDo?A classic example of a child intimidating a parent with the threat of publicembarrassment. Mom is intimidated into a desperate attempt at little-adultreasoning (“You might hurt someone”) and the elicitation of futile promises.

Round TwoLet’sgiveMomanotherchancetogetthisoneright.Actually,Rita’smotherhastwochoices:(1)countingRitaforspeedingandatcount3takingaway thecart,and(2)not lettingRitahaveacart in the firstplace.

OPTION1:COUNTINGRITAFORSPEEDING“Mom!CanIpushacart?”

“Yes,dear.Butyouhave towalkwith it. If I countyou to3 forrunning,I’lltakethecartaway.”

Rita does fine for three minutes, then starts running with thekiddiecart.

“Rita,that’s1.At3youlosethecart.”

HowDidSheDo?This approach is much better. There will probably be hell to pay if Rita hits 3 andhas her cart taken away, so Mom should be ready to take the little girl out to thecar for a while until she finishes her tantrum. If returning to the car is necessary,no parental “I told you so” comments are allowed.

OPTION2:NOTLETTINGRITAHAVETHEKIDDIECART“Mom!CanIpushacart?”

“No.Lasttimeyouranwithit.”“Whycan’tI?”“That’s1.”“Iwannapushmyownone!”“That’s2.”

HowDidSheDo?Good work, Mom!

Dog Teasing

Four-year-oldMichaelhas thedogbacked into a corner andpushedupagainstthewall.Thedog,normallypatient, looksuncomfortable.Momintervenes.

“Michael,pleasedon’tteasethedog,honey.”(Michaelgigglesandcontinuespushingthedogagainstthewall.)“That’s1.”“No!Iwannapethim.”(Forthefirsttime,thedogsnarls.)“That’s3.Takefive.Thedogismadandcouldbiteyou.”“IWANNAPETHIM!” (Michaelfallsonfloor,releasingthedog,

but yelling and crying. Mom carries the unwilling body to thebedroomfortime-out.)

HowDidSheDo?Couldn’t have done it better. When the dog snarled, Mom went straight to 3because of the danger. No talking while “escorting” the child to the rest period.

Bedtime Problem

It’snineo’clockintheevening.Alexisplayinganelectronicgameonthecouchinthelivingroom.Hismotherenterstheroom.

“Alex,it’stimetogetreadyforbed.”(Entrancedwithhisgame,Alexdoesnotrespondatall.)

“Alex,that’s1.”

HowDidSheDo?Should counting be used for bedtime? No. Getting ready for bed is a Startbehavior—actually, a series of Start behaviors that take a while to complete.Counting is for obnoxious behavior, such as whining, arguing, teasing, ortantrums, where cooperation takes only a few seconds. For bedtime, this momneeds a bedtime routine. (See chapter 17.)

Constant Requests

Eight-year-oldTomaskshismother if he canusehis dad’s electricjigsawinthebasementtoolroom.

“Idon’tthinkso.YoubetterwaituntilDaddy’shome.”“Ohcomeon,Mom.Iknowhowtodoit.”“No,Ithinkit’stoodangerous.”“There’snothingelsetodo.”(Badgering,martyrdom)“Isaidno.That’s1.”“THAT’S 1! THAT’S 2! THAT’S 3! THAT’S 12! THAT’S 20!

THAT’SSTUPID!”(Intimidation)“That’s2.”“Didn’tknowyoucouldcountthathigh.”(Intimidation)“That’s3.Taketenandaddfiveforthemouth.”“Gee,I’llneedacalculatorforthisone.”MommovestowardTomtoescorthimifnecessary,buthegoesto

hisbedroom.

HowDidSheDo?Mom did very well—one explanation and then she counted. Mom also adds fivefor the smart mouth, and she has the presence of mind to stay cool in spite of the

insult. When her son doesn’t go to the rest period right away, she also does notget caught up in an argument or little-adult conversation.

Interrupting

Round OneMomandDadarehavingaprivateconversationon thecouchaboutthe recenthospitalizationofMom’s father.Seven-year-oldMichellejumpsinbetweenthem.

“Hi,guys!”“Hi, honey. Listen,Mom andDad have to talk about something

veryimportantforafewminutes,soyougoplayforalittlebit.”“Iwannabeherewithyou.IpromiseIwon’tlisten.”“No,dear.Comeonnow,yougoandplay.”“Idon’thaveanythingtodo.”(Badgering)“Listen,younglady.We’renotgoingtotellyouagain!”“THERE’SNOTHINGELSEFORMETODO!”(Intimidation)“Doyouwantaspanking?”(Michellestartscrying.)(Martyrdom)“OK,that’s1.”(Michelleleaves,crying.)

HowDidTheyDo?Pretty sloppy job by Mom and Dad. In fairness to these parents, this is a touchysituation because Michelle’s entrance is very friendly and these parents don’twant to tell her what they’re discussing just yet. They only get around to countingafter ridiculous attempts at persuasion, threatening a spanking, and risking WorldWar III for nothing. They eventually recover and count, but some damage has stillbeen done.

Round TwoSecondchance:let’stakeitfromthetop.

“Hi,guys!”“Hi, honey. Listen,Mom andDad have to talk about something

veryimportantforafewminutes,soyougoplayforalittlebit.”“Iwannabeherewithyou.IpromiseIwon’tlisten.”“That’s1.”“Idon’thaveanythingtodo.”(Badgering)“That’s2.”Michelleleaves,abitteary.

HowDidTheyDo?Mom and Dad probably feel a little bit guilty, but they handled the situation well.You can’t give the kids everything they want.

Arguing

AsMomisworking in thekitchenafterdinner,eleven-year-oldJeffasks:

“CanIgooutafterdinnertoplay?”“No,dear,youstillhavehomeworktodo,”saysMom.“I’lldoitwhenIcomebackin,rightbeforebed.”“That’s what you said last night, honey, and it didn’t work.

Remember?”“Oh,pleaseMom.Ipromise!”(Badgering,butterup)“Get your homeworkdone first, and thenyou cangoout. If you

workhard,itshouldn’ttakemorethanahalfhour.”“Why can’t I just go out now? I’ll DO MY STUPID

HOMEWORK!”(Intimidation)“That’s1.”

“Ican’twaittogrowupsoIcangointhearmy.It’sgottobemorefunthanlivinginthisdump.”(Martyrdom)

“That’s2.”“Allright,allright,allright.”(Jeffgoestostarthishomework.)

HowDidSheDo?Mom did very well here. She tried a little negotiating, but when that didn’t work,she didn’t get caught up in a useless argument or try to explain why her housewasn’t the same as the military.

Extreme Possessiveness

Haleyisfouryearsold.Shehasaplaydateatherhousewithanotherlittlegirl,Alyssa,whomshehas justmet.Unfortunately,everythingAlyssa touches, Haley tries to take away from her. Alyssa is notaggressiveatall,butjuststandstherelookingbewilderedafteranewtoyhasbeentakenfromherhands.

Mom sees the pattern. Alyssa picks up a small red car. Haleymovesinandgrabsit.

Mom says, “Haley, that’s 1. You must let Alyssa play withsomething.”(Haleystilldoesn’tletgo.)“Haley,that’s2.”(ThelittlegirlreleasesherholdandletsAlyssahavethecar.)“That’sveryniceofyou,sweetheart.”

HowDidSheDo?Good job. Briefly explain, count, and praise cooperation. For the little ones weallow parents to provide a short explanation with the first count, for example, “No

hitting. Hitting hurts people. That’s 1.”

Conclusion

Whathaveour talesfromthe trenches taughtus?Kidscancertainlycatchyouoffguard,foronething!Youhavetobeonyourtoesand—tobefairtoyourselfandthechildren—youhavetomakereasonableand fairly rapid decisions about which offenses are countable andwhich arenot.Goodcounting takes a little bit of practice, but onceyoumaster the skill,you’llwonderhowyouevergot alongwithoutthissanity-savingtechnique.

CHAPTERSUMMARYIsitmagic?

The“magic”ofthe1-2-3procedureisnotinthecountingitself.Thepowerofthemethodcomesprimarilyfromyourabilitytoaccomplishtwogoals.Yourfirstobjectiveistoexplain—whennecessary—andthenkeepquiet.Yoursecondobjectiveistocountascalmlyandunemotionallyasyoucan.Dothesetwothingswellandyourchildrenwillstartlisteningto

you!

PART IV

Encouraging Good Behavior

ParentingJob2CHAPTER 12

Establishing Positive Routines

CHAPTER 13Getting Up and Out in the Morning

CHAPTER 14Cleaning Up and Chores

CHAPTER 15Surviving Suppertime

CHAPTER 16Tackling the Homework Problem

CHAPTER 17Going to Bed–and Staying There!

CHAPTER 18Managing Your Expectations

12

ESTABLISHING POSITIVE ROUTINES

How to Motivate Your Children to Do theThings They Need to Do

NOW WE TURN OUR attention to your second big parenting job:encouragingyourchildrentodothepositivethingsyouwantthemtodo.Wecall thisbehaviorcategoryStartbehavior,becauseyouwantyour children to start doing their schoolwork, going to bed, eatingtheir supper, cleaning their rooms, and getting up and out in themorning.

RecallthatStartbehaviorrequiresmoremotivationfromchildrenthan Stop behavior. While it may take only one second to stopwhiningor arguing, tasks suchasdoinghomeworkorgettingoff toschoolmayrequirethirtyminutesormore.Kidsnotonlyhavetostartthese jobs, they also have to continue and finish them. Countingdifficult behavior is fairly easy. When it comes to encouraging

positivebehavior,however,momsanddadshave tobemoreskilledmotivators.

Whenthey’rebeginning1-2-3Magic,mostparentsusecountingtomanage Stop behavior for a week to ten days before tackling Startbehavior.Ifyoutrytodothewholeprogramatonce(bothStopandStart problems), it may be confusing or take too much energy.Equallyimportant,itwillbealoteasiertogetthekidstodothegoodthings if theyknowyouhavegottenback incontrolof thehousebyeffectivelymanagingtheirobnoxiousconduct.

When you begin using your Start behavior tactics, don’t besurprisedifyourunintotestingandmanipulation.Yourdaughtermaynotthankyoufortraininghertocleanherroom.Ifyouhaveworkedoncountingnegativebehaviorfirst,youwillhavehadafairamountofexperienceindealingwithStopbehaviorbeforeyoutacklethetaskof getting the kids to do the good things—so have your countingstrategyreadyinyourbackpocket.

QuikTip

With Start behavior, you can use more than one tactic at a time for a particularproblem. You may even come up with some of your own strategies. Remember:train your kids to do what you want, or keep quiet!

IndealingwithStartbehavior,keepinmindoneofthebasicrulesof1-2-3Magic: train thechildrenorkeepquiet!The1-2-3programincludesamethodforhandlingjustabouteverykindofproblemyourkidscanthrowatyou.Sousethesemethods!Kids,forexample,are

not born to be natural room cleaners. If the child isn’t cleaning hisroom,trainhimtocleanit.Otherwise,bequiet,cleanityourself,orclose the door and don’t look. Training does not mean nagging,arguing,yelling,orhitting.

Wonderful, Powerful Routines!

Many people think the word “routine” means bad and boring.Youwill soon learn that when it comes to Start behavior, routines arewonderfulandpowerful.Activities likehomeworkandgoing tobedarecomplexand take time.Kidshave to learn to regularly followafixedsequenceofactions.Sametime,sameplace,sameway.Oncearoutineismastered,kidstendtodoitautomatically.

Routines for positive behavior drastically reduce your disciplineproblems,andtheycanalsomaketestingandmanipulationvirtuallynonexistent.We’lldiscussmoreabouthowtoestablishroutinesattheendofthischapter.

The Seven Start Behavior Tactics

TherearesevenStartbehaviortacticsthatyoucanconsiderusingtoestablish and maintain your routines. Sometimes you may use justone tactic, but other times youmay use two or three for the sameproblem. While counting obnoxious behavior is fairlystraightforward, you can bemore creative and flexible inmanagingpositive behavior. In fact,manyparents and teachers have comeupwithusefulandimaginativeideasthatarenotonourlist.

Hereareoursevenstrategiesforencouraginggoodbehavior:

1. Positivereinforcement

2. Simplerequests3. Kitchentimers4. Thedockingsystem5. Naturalconsequences6. Charting7. Countingvariation

Withtheserulesinmind,let’stakealookattheseventacticsyouwillusetogetthekidstodowhatthey’resupposedto.

1. Positive ReinforcementWhyisthereahome-fieldadvantageinsports?It’sbecausethecrowdencourages their team by cheering and applauding. Even for adultprofessional athletes, this type of praise is a strong motivator.Unfortunately,theeffectofthishome-fieldadvantagedoesn’talwaystranslatefromstadiumtohome.Why?

Angry peoplemake noise; happy people keep quiet. That’swhy.We all suffer from a biological curse that motivates us to saysomething to our kidswhenwe’re angry at them, but to keep quietwhenthelittleonesaredoingwhatwewantthemtodo.Imagineit’sa

SundayinOctoberandI’mwatchingafootballgameintheafternoon.Mytwochildrenareinthenextroomplayingagametogether,havinga great time, and getting along very well. What do you think thechancesarethatI’mgoingtogetupoutofmychair,walkallthewayintothenextroom,andsay,“Gee,I’mdelightedyouguysarehavingsuchagoodtime!”Thatwouldbeagreatthing,butthechancesofmydoing it are about zero.Why? Because when adults are happy andcontentthemselves,theyarenotparticularlymotivatedtodoanythingmorethanwhatthey’realreadydoing.

But imagine thatmychildren in thenext roomstart fightingandscreaming. Why do they behave this way? I can’t even hear thefootballgame!NowIammotivated—I’mmad.Nowthechancesofmygettingup,runningintotheotherroom,andyellingatthekidstokeep quiet are high. Anger is a much better motivator thancontentment.Theresultisthatourkidsaremorelikelytohearfromuswhenwehavenegativeratherthanpositivefeedback.

One powerful antidote to this unfortunate natural inclination ispraise, or positive verbal reinforcement. Your praise and otherpositive interactionswithyourkidsshouldoutnumberyournegativecommentsbyaratioofaboutthreetoone.Ifyoulook,youshouldn’thavetroublefindingsomepositivebehaviortoreinforce:

“Thanksfordoingthedishes.”“Youstartedyourhomeworkallbyyourself!”“Thatdogreallylikesyou.”“Youkidsdidagoodjobofgettingalongduringthemovie.”“Ithinkyougotreadyforschoolinrecordtimethismorning!”“Goodjobonthatmathtest,John.”“I saw you out on the soccer field. You played hard—good

hustle!”“That’s wonderful! I can’t believe it! How on earth did you do

that?”Once the kids are successfully carrying out a particular Start

behavior routine, praise can help keep the cooperation or goodperformancegoing.Manyparents,forexample,praiseorthanktheirkidsforcomplyingwithsimplerequestsorforfollowingabedtimeorhomeworkroutine.

Keep a sensitive eye on your son or daughter, though, becausepraiseshouldbetailoredtoeachchildandeachsituation.Somekidslike rather elaborate, syrupy, and emotional verbal reinforcement,while others do not. Imagine, for example, your eight-year-olddaughter getting 100 percent on her spelling test. You say, “Oh,Melissa, that’s just marvelous! I can’t believe it! We’re going toframethisandovernightacopyofittoGrandmainFlorida!”Melissaeatsitup.

QuikTip

Are we spoiling our kids with superficial, phony praise? Basically, you can giveelaborate praise to kids younger than seven—they likely can’t tell the differencebetween fake and genuine praise. Once kids get older than that, it’s best to dialback on the praise and make sure that you’re only giving them genuine, heartfeltcompliments.

However, Melissa’s eleven-year-old brother would be nauseatedby that kindof talk.For him, “Good job—keepup thegoodwork,”andapatontheshouldermightbeenough.Yourjobistopraisethechild,nottoembarrasshim.Thelongandshortofitis:ifyourchild

enjoyspraise,thenbyallmeansprovideit—whenappropriate.The tacticofpraisesometimesgetscriticized forbeingoverused

and abused. People say we spoil our children with exaggeratedcompliments, artificially inflate their self-esteem, and consequentlydon’tpreparethemforthebig,badworld.Isthisarealproblem?

Here’sthedeal.Withkidsuptoageaboutfiveorsix, it’snotsobad to exaggerate your praise of their effort or their performance.They respond positively to almost any kind of encouragement, andtheydon’talwaysreallyknowhowwellorpoorlytheyaredoing.Butwatch out when those kids hit first or second grade! Now they arestartingtogetanideaofwhatdoingwellreallymeans,andtheywillincreasinglybeabletotellfakefromgenuinepraise.

There are two additional devices you can use to make praise amoreeffectiveboosttoachild’sself-esteem:

1. Praiseinfrontofotherpeople2. Unexpectedpraise

While you’re talking to your next-door neighbor, for example,yourdaughterKelseyshowsup.Youinterruptyourconversationandsay,“YoushouldhaveseenKelseyoutthereonthesoccerfieldtoday.Thoseotherkidsneverknewwhathitthem!”Kelseywillbeamwithpride.

Unexpectedpraisecanalsobequitememorableforachild.Yoursonisupstairsdoinghishomework.Youcallfromthebottomofthestairs, “Hey, Jordan!” Jordan has no idea what’s coming next.Youthensay,“DidItellyouwhatagreatjobyoudidontheyard?”Jordanwillbepleased—andperhapsalittlerelieved!

Howdoyoukeepofferingpraiseandencouragementonaregularbasis?Asmentionedbefore, this task is surprisingly difficult, sincemostofus tendnot to speakupwhenweare content.Here are twosuggestions.First, see if youcanmake threepositive comments for

every negative one (and, by the way, a count is one negativecomment).Thesepositiveremarksdon’thavetobemadeatthesametime,ofcourse.Theycanbemadelater.Ifthethree-to-oneratioideadoesn’t appeal to you, a second strategy is to have a quota system.Eachdayyoumakeadealwithyourself thatyouwillmakeat leastfive positive comments to each child (and consider doing the samewithyourspouse).

Makesureyourkidsgetthehome-fieldadvantage!

2. Simple RequestsThe problem with simple requests is that they are not so simple.Parental requests to children canbemademoreor less effectivebythe parent’s tone of voice, the spontaneity of the request, and thephrasingofthedemand.

Weallhavedifferentvoices.Whenshewasyounger,mydaughterhadseveraldifferentvariationsofthesimpleexpression,“Dad!”One“Dad!” meant “I’m excited and want to show you something.”Another “Dad!” meant “I want assistance because my brother isteasingme.”And yet a third “Dad!” (during her teen years)meant,“Coolit,old-timer,you’reembarrassingmeinpublic!”

Parentshavedifferentvoicestoo.Thevoicewe’reconcernedabouthereiscalled“chorevoice.”Chorevoicehasaqualityof“You’renotdoingwhat I expect and it’s really irritating andwhat’s thematterwithyouandwhenareyougoingtolearn…”andsoon.Chorevoicehasanaggravated,nagging,andanxioustonethatmostchildrenfindannoying.Whenthisparentaltoneofvoiceiscoupledwitharequest,itmakescooperationlesslikelybecauseyouarenowaskinganangrychildtocooperate.

A good antidote to chore voice is a businesslike, matter-of-factpresentation. “John, it is now time to start your homework” or“Taylor,bedtime.”Thistoneofvoiceimplies,“Youmaynotlikethis,but it’s got to be done now.” Testing is much less likely when

requestsaremadeinamatter-of-factway,but—believeitornot—themere toneofvoicecanalso say,“Ifyou testorpushme,you’llgetcounted.”

QuikTip

Try not to spring unpleasant requests on your kids out of the blue. Giving them alittle warning will usually help them do what you want—with less whining!

The spontaneity of a parental request can also be a cooperationkiller.Yoursonisoutsideplayingbaseballwithsomefriends.Yougoto the front door and ask him if he’d come in and take out thegarbage.Heblowshis stack andyou think, “What is thebigdeal?”Youarecorrectthatyourboyoverreacted,butthebigdealwasnotthegarbage.Thebigdealtohimwasthespontaneity.Whatdoyouexpectthe child to say? “Thanks for offeringme this opportunity to be ofservicetothefamily”?

No one likes spur-of-the-moment interruptions that involveunpleasant tasks.Youdon’t like themeither,althoughyouareoftenstuckwithsuchintrusions.Butwe’renottalkingaboutgettingyoutocooperate here.We’re talking about getting your kids to cooperate.Andwe’realsonotsayingyourchildrenshouldn’thavechorestodo.They should help out around the house. Structure these tasks intofixedroutinessothatspontaneousrequestsareseldomnecessary.

Finally, the phrasing of a request canmake a difference in how

kids respond. Phrasing a request as a question and adding theridiculous“we”tothestatementwilloftenensurenoncomplianceortesting and manipulation.A supersweet “Don’t we think it’s abouttime to start our homework?” for example, is almost guaranteed toelicitanegativeresponse.“Iwantyourschoolworkcompletebyfiveo’clock”isbetter.

What if, in spiteof everything,your simple request stilldoesnogood?We’ll come back to that question at the end of this chapterafterwe’vediscussedseveralotherStartbehavioroptions.

3. Kitchen TimersKitchentimersarewonderfuldevicesforencouraginggoodbehaviorinchildren.Manykindsareuseful, includingthesixty-minutewind-up variety as well as computer, small LCD, and even hourglassvarieties.Thepeoplewhomanufacturetimersthinkthey’reforbakingcakes.They’renot—timersareforraisingkids!Kitchentimerscanbea great help for just about any Start behavior routine, whether it’spickingup,feedingthefish,gettingupinthemorning,takingoutthegarbage, or going to bed.Kids, especially the younger ones, have anatural tendency to want to beat a ticking mechanical device. Theproblem then becomes a case of man against machine (rather thanchildagainstparent).

Theseportablemotivationalgadgetscanalsobeused,ifyoulike,totimethetime-outsthemselves.Manykidsactuallypreferdoingthetime-outwitha timer.Youcanalso take timers in thecarwithyou

and use them—as we’ll see later—to help control sibling rivalry.Timerscanbepartofroutinesforbedtimeorbathtimeorgettingupandoutinthemorning.

Timers also can soften the blow of unavoidable spontaneousrequests.A friend of yours calls and says she’ll be over in fifteenminutes.You say to your five-year-old daughter, “You’ve got threethingsinthekitchenIwouldlikepickedupandputinyourroom.I’msettingthetimerfortenminutes,andI’llbetyoucan’tbeatit!”

Herresponsewilloftenbe,“OhyesIcan!”asshehurriesofftodothejob.Youcouldusethissameapproachtogetaneleven-year-oldtopickup,butyouwouldphraseyourrequest inamorematter-of-factmanner.If thechilddoesn’trespondbeforethetimerdings,youcanuse the docking system (see strategy 4) or a version of naturalconsequences(seestrategy5).

Kitchen timers are also effective because they are not testable.Machines cannotbe emotionallymanipulated. Imagine thatyouhadto remind your son to call his grandmother to thank her for thebirthdaypresentshemailed.Yoursonbalks,soyousetthetimerfortenminutes.Theboy’sresponseis“Thisisstupid!”(TestingTactic2,temper).Yourresponseissilence.Thetimer’sresponseis tick, tick,tick.

4. The Docking SystemTheprincipleofdockingwagesisthis:ifyoudon’tdothework,youdon’tgetpaid.Thebasicideaofthedockingsystemissimilar:ifyoudon’tdothework,I’lldoitforyou—andyou’llpayme.Thedockingsystemisforchildrenwhoarekindergartenageorabove.

Thisplan,of course, requires that thekids firsthavea sourceoffunds from an allowance,work around the house, birthday gifts, orsome other financial reservoir. You can consider starting anallowancewith childrenwho are about five years old ormore. Thepayment doesn’t have to be anything large, but it’s a good idea tohave half of it based on completing jobs around the house (forexample,cleaningthebedroom,chores,homework).Theotherhalfissimplygivento thechildbecauseheispartof thefamily—andalsoso you have some leveragewhen it comes time to use the dockingprocedure.

Let’s imagine you’ve been having discussions with your nine-year-old son about getting a dog.Your sonwants the dog, but youwiselyobjectthatyou’reconcernedhewon’tfeeditandtakecareofit properly. Let’s assume you get the dog (partly because youwantonetoo).

Youthentellthechildwhatthedealwillbe.Hegetsanallowanceofaboutthreedollarsperweek.Youwantthedogfedbeforesixeachnight. If he feeds the dog then, fine. If he forgets to feed the dogbeforesix,youhavegoodnewsandbadnews.Thegoodnewsisthatyouwillfeedthedogfortheboy.Thebadnewsisthatyouchargetofeedotherpeople’sdogs,andforthismuttitwillbefifteencentsperfeedingtakenoffyourson’sthree-dollarallowance.Thechildreadilyagrees,sincehe’ssohappyaboutgettingthedogtobeginwith.

Here’s how eventsmight play out. The first night you’re in thekitchenmaking dinner. It’s six ten, there’s no one around, and the

dog’s hungry.You wait.At six fifteen your son comes running inaskingifyoufedthedog.Yousay,“No.”Hesays,“Good!”andfeedsthedog.Youpraisetheboy,“Hey,greatjob!Thatdogwassurehappytoseeyou.”

Thesecondnightyou’reinthekitchenandit’ssixtwenty.Thedogis looking hungry, but youwait. Now it’s six thirty and the dog islickingyourlegs!Soyoufinallyfeedthehungryanimal.Atsixfortyyourboycomesrunningin:

“Didyoufeedthedog?”“Yes,Idid.Ichargedyoufifteencentsfromyourallowance.”“WELL,WHATDIDYOUDOTHATFOR?”(Yelling)“That’s1.”Thisisnotadiscussion.Itwasadiscussion,butnowit’sanattack.

It’ssimplyoneversionofTestingTactic2,temper,anditshouldbecounted.Youdiscussdiscussionsandyoucountattacks.Inthiskindofsituation,it’sextremelydifficulttoresistthetemptationtogetintoangry, little-adult types of comments, such as, “Do you rememberwhenweboughtthisstupidanimalforyou?Whatdidyousay?Yousaid,‘I’llfeedthedogeverysinglenight.Noproblem!’Right!Well,herewe are on only the second night and I’m already feeding yourdog!I’msickofdoingeverythingaroundhereforallyoupeople!”

Whatyou’resayingmaybeabsolutelycorrect,buttiradeslikethiswilldonogood.Parentaltantrumsandrighteousindignationwill,infact, cause harm.Your tiradewill do two things. First, the outburstwilldamageyourrelationshipwithyourchild.Second,yourblow-upwill ruin the effect of the boy having his allowance docked. So bequietandletthemoneydothetalking.Ifmoneydoesn’tseemtohavemuchcloutwiththisparticularchild, takeminutesoffTV,game,orcomputertime,orusesomeotherreasonableconsequence.

The docking system is good for lots of things.Howmany timeshaveyouhadthefeelingthatparentingisunfair?Aboutninemilliontimes?Thisunfairnessappliesespeciallytothemoms,whooftenfeel

theygetstuckwithalltheextrachoresaroundthehouse.Well,thinkofthis.Now,ifyouaregoingtohavetodoallthatstuff,you’regoingtogetpaidforit!

Have you ever said to your kids, for example, “I’mhappy to doyourlaundryonSaturday.Allyouhavetodoisgetyourclothesdowntothewasherbynine.ButI’llbedarnedifI’mgoingtogouptoyourroomeveryweekendtogetyourdirtyunderwearoutfromunderneathyourbed!”

QuikTip

With the docking system, you tell the kids, “I have good news and bad news. Thegood news is that if you forget a chore, I’ll do it for you. The bad news is thatyou’re going to pay me for helping you out.” Then tell them the exact amount theywill have to pay you.

Now let’s imagine you’re going to use the docking system forlaundry.You say this: “I’m happy to do your laundry on Saturdaymornings.Allyouhavetodoisgetyourclothesdowntothewasherbynine. Ifyoudon’tgetyourclothesdownby then, Iwillgoup toyourroomtogetyourdirtythings.ButIchargeforthatservice.Andforapile thesizeof theoneyouusuallyhave, itwillprobablycostyouseventy-fivecentstoadollar.”

5. Natural Consequences

Withnaturalconsequencesyouletthebig,badworldteachthechildwhatworksandwhatdoesn’t.Therearetimeswhenstayingoutoftheproblemisthebestapproach.Supposeyouhaveafourthgraderwhoistakingpianolessonsforthefirsttime.Sheisnotpracticingassheshouldandcan’tsleepatnightbecauseshe’sworryingthatherpianoteacherwillbemad.

What should you do? Nothing right away. See if the naturalconsequenceofnotpracticing (teacher’sdispleasure)will alteryourdaughter’s behavior. Some piano teachers are very good at gettinguncooperative kids to tickle the ivories on a regular basis betweenlessons.Ifafterafewweekstheteacher’seffortsdon’twork,youmaywant to try other Start behavior tactics, such as using the timer orcharting.

Or,supposeyouhaveaboyinthesixthgrade.Becauseyou’reinahurryeverymorning,partofhisbefore-schoolroutineismakinghisown lunch, with goods that you buy, and then brown-bagging it toschool.Itseemslikeeveryotherdayheistellingyouhowhungryhewasatlunchbecauseheforgottopackhisfood.

What should you do? Relax, don’t lecture, and leave theresponsibilitysquarelyonhisshoulders.Letthenaturalconsequence

(hisemptystomach)talktohiminsteadofhismothertalkingtohim.Give him some encouragement by saying something like this: “I’msureyou’lldobettertomorrow.”

Anotherexampleofagoodtimetousenaturalconsequences?Thewintertimedress of preteens and adolescents.All parents know thatmiddle school andhigh school students think there are federal lawsagainstzippingorbuttoningup theircoats in thewinter.Thesekidsdonotwant to look like theirmothersdressed themin themorning.The solution? Let the cold talk to the kids if they’re not dressedproperly, and avoid starting the day with the obvious, aggravatingcomment,“You’renotgoingoutlikethatagain,areyou?”

Here’s one final, real-life example of natural consequences. Amother I used to see years ago had a four-year-old boy who wasdriving her nuts in the morning. The boy was in preschool, but hewouldn’t get dressed on time for his car-pool ride. Every morningwhenthehornhonkedinthedriveway,thislittleguywassittinginhispajamaswatchingcartoonsonTV.Thepoormomwastearingherhairout.

Caution

Natural reinforcers, such as praise, sometimes aren’t enough to motivate childrento complete a task—especially if the kids hate the job! In these cases artificialrewards can be used. Try to borrow some motivation from somewhere else. Itworks!

Onemorning she decided she’d had enough.The boywas in his

pajamaswatching cartoonswhen the car in the drive honked.Momthencalmlysenthersonofftoschoolinhispajamas.Thechildspentthreehourswithhispeerswhilewearing little floweredbooties andwithbutterfliesalloverhischest.Atournextsessionarelievedmomreported tome that, since that day, she never again had a problemwithhersonbeingreadyforhisride.

6. ChartingChartingisaveryfriendlymotivationaltechnique.Withchartingyouuse something like a calendar to keep track of howwell a child isdoingwithdifferentStartbehaviorroutines.Youcanputthechartonthe refrigeratordoor, ifpublic acclaim isdesired,oron thebackofthechild’sbedroomdoor,ifprivacyisdesired.Thedaysoftheweekusuallygoacrossthetopofthechart,anddowntheleftsideisalistofthetasksthechildisworkingon,suchaspickingupafterherself,getting to bed, and clearing the table after supper. If the childcompletesthetasktoyoursatisfaction,youindicatethisonthechartwith stickers for the little kids (approximate ages four to nine) andgradesorpoints(A–F,5–1)fortheolderchildren.

Atypicalchart,forexample,mighthavethreetofiveitemsonit—nothingtoocomplicated,butsatisfyingtocomplete.

Withcharting,positivereinforcementcomes,wehope,fromthreethings:thechartitself,parentalpraise,andtheinherentsatisfactionofdoingagoodjob.Wecallthesethreethingsnaturalreinforcers.Whenmydaughterwasnine,shedecidedshewantedtotakepianolessons.Althoughthiswasherchoice,shedidn’tpracticeregularlyand—likethe fourth-graderwementioned earlier—sheworried a lot the nightbeforeherlessonthatherteacherwasgoingtobeupsetwithherwhenshecouldn’tperformwell.

We first tried natural consequences, suggesting to our little girlthatsheworkouttheproblemwithherteacher.Thistacticfailed.Sowe next tried chartingwith only natural reinforcers.Our agreementwas this: Each day after practicing, our daughter was to find hermotheror father and tell thatparent exactlyhowmanyminutes shehadpracticed.Oneofuswouldthenwritethatnumberforthatdayonthe chart and praise our budding concert pianist for herwork. Thatwasit.Theplanworkedlikeacharm.

Unfortunately for parents, natural reinforcers are frequentlyinsufficient tomotivate a child to complete a particular task.Yourson,forexample,maysimplybeanaturalslob—acleanroommeansnothingtohim.OryourlittlegirlmayhaveADHDandbelearning-disabled, so homework provides no satisfaction—but muchfrustration—forher.

In these cases you must use what we call artificial reinforcers.Thesearethingsthatthechildwillearnforsuccessfulcompletionofatask.Thereinforcersmayhavenothingdirectlytodowiththegiventask.Butsincetheactivitydoesn’tofferanyincentivetothechild—and,infact,mayprovideanegativeincentive—wearegoingtotrytoborrow motivation from somewhere else. The little girl who hateshomework, forexample,mightearnpartofherallowance,a specialmeal,oraspecialtimewithyou.

For smaller children, the best ideas are often relatively smallthings that can be dished out frequently in little pieces.With older

kids, larger rewards that take longer to earn becomemore feasible.Let yourself be creative in coming up with reinforcers. Rewardscertainlydonotalwayshavetobematerial.Somekids,forexample,willworkhardtoearnminutestostayuplateratnightortobeabletodoaspecialactivitywithoneoftheirparents.

Mydaughterusedwhatshecalleda“stickerbook”withherthree-and five-year-olds. She folded three sheets of colored constructionpaper together and put two staples in the crease. The child’s namethenwenton thecoveralongwithsomedecorations.Thenshewentsticker shoppingwith the kids and got stickers each of them liked.WheneverthechildthencompletedaStartbehavior,heorshegottochooseastickerandputit inthebook.Thekidswereproudoftheirbooks.

Possible Artificial Reinforcers

• Atripforicecream• Brightlycoloredtokens• Asmalltoy• Rentingaspecialgame• Outingwithaparent• Shoppingtrip• Sleepover• Playingagamewithaparent• Ano-chorevoucher• Campingoutinthebackyard• Cardforacollection• Techtime• Breakfastinbed• Cash• Stayinguppastbedtime

• Rentingaspecialmovie• Agrab-bagsurprise• Comicbookormagazine• Friendoverforsupper• Choiceofthreereinforcers• Readingastorywithparents• Sleepingwiththedogorcat• Specialphonecall• Otheritemsforcollections• Helpingmakeandeatcookies• Usingapowertoolwithsupervision

Keepcharts simple.Threeor four things toworkon at one timeareenough;morethanthatgettooconfusing.Isawafamilyoncewhocreated a chart for their son onwhich theywere attempting to ratethirty-threedifferentbehaviorseveryday!IhadtogivethemanAforeffort,butalsoahighratingforconfusion.

Keep inmind that youprobablywill notwant todo charting forlong periods of time. Charting can become a semi-obnoxiousbehavioral accounting task, and the positive effects can fade whenMom and Dad become tired of filling out the chart every day. Sobuild in “discontinuation criteria”—rules for determining when thechartisnolongernecessary.

You might say, for example, that if the child gets good scores(definethisprecisely)fortwoweeksrunningonaparticularbehavior,that itemwillbe takenoff thechart.When thechildhasearnedhiswayoffthechartentirely,it’stimetogooutforpizzaandamovietocelebrate. Ifafterawhile thechilddoesn’tkeepupwith thedesiredbehavior,youcanreinstatethechart.

7. Counting Variation: Brief Start Behavior

Asmentionedearlier,oneofthemostfrequentmistakesparentsmakewiththe1-2-3programisattemptingtousecountingtogetachildtodoStartbehaviorlikehomework,chores,orgettingupandoutinthemorning. Recall that these tasks can take twenty minutes or more,while counting itself only produces several seconds’ worth ofmotivation.

What if the Start behavior itself only required a few seconds’worthof cooperation?Youwantyourdaughter tohangupher coat,feedthecat,orcomeintotheroom.Counting,whichissousefulforStopbehavior,canbeusedforsomeStartbehavior,butonlyononecondition:whatyouwantthechildtodocannottakemorethanabouttwominutes. For example, your child throws her coat on the floorafterschool,andyouaskhertopickitup.Shedoesn’t,andyousay,“That’s1.”Ifshestillrefusestocomplyandgetstimedout,shegoesandservesthetime.Whenshecomesout,yousay,“Wouldyoupleasehangupyourcoat?”Ifthereisstillnocooperation,anothertime-outwouldfollow.

Whatif thisgirl,forsomeunknownreason,is inatotallyornerymood today and never seems to get the idea?With Start behaviortactics you have more flexibility. Switch from counting to thedockingsystemandthekitchentimer.Setthetimerforfiveminutesand tell your daughter she has that time to hangup the coat. If shedoespickitup,fine.Youpromiseyou’llnotsayanotherword.

Ifshedoesn’thangthethingup,however,youhavegoodnewsandbad news.You’ll hang up the coat for her, but youwill charge for

your services.Thechargewillbe twenty-fivecents for thecoat andtwenty-five cents for all the aggravation involved in getting her tohang it up. Keep the talking to a minimum, and count whining,arguing,yelling,andotherformsoftesting.

Whatcanyouusethisversionofthe1-2-3for?Itemslikebrushingteeth,pickingupsomething,orjust“Wouldyoupleasecomeherefora second?” You are in the kitchen and you need some help for aminute.Youcanseeyourten-year-oldsonintheotherroom,lyingonthecouch,eyeswideopen.Yousay,“Wouldyoupleasecomehere?”Hisresponseis“Ican’t.I’mbusy.”

Thiskid’saboutasbusyasarock.Solet’sredothisone.“Wouldyoupleasecomehere?”“Ican’t.I’mbusy.”“That’s1.”“Oh,allright!”And the reluctant servant enters the room to carry out your

bidding.

Simple Requests Revisited

Now let’s return to our question about simple requests.What if, inspite of the fact that your voice quality was matter-of-fact, yourrequest was not spur-of-the-moment, and your phrasing was notwishy-washy,yourchildstilldoesnotcomplywithwhatyouaskhimtodo?After reading thischapter,youshouldnowsee thatyouhaveseveraloptions.

Forexample,afteryoursonreturnedhomefromschool,youtoldhim:“Besureyouchangeyourclothesbeforeyougooutsidetoplay.”He’shavingasnackandplayinganelectronicgame,stillinhisschoolclothes,whenoneofhisfriendscallshimfromthebackdoor.Yourson calls back that he’ll be right out. It doesn’t sound as though a

differentwardrobeisonhismindatall.Herearesomechoicesyouhaveatthispoint:

1. Set the timer for tenminutes and tell your son, “Iwant yourclotheschangedbeforethetimergoesoff.”Avoidwhatwecall“shouldy”thinking—thekindofparentalthinkingthatexpectskids toact likeadults. Ifyouwere into shouldy thinking,youmighthavesaid,“Iwantyourclotheschangedbeforethetimergoesoff.Ialreadytoldyouthat.Whatdoesittaketogetyoutolisten tomeforonce?I’mtheonewhohas todo the laundry,youknow,andbuyyouallsortsofnewthingstowear!”

Youcouldalsoaddarewardoraconsequencetotheactofchangingclothesbefore the timergoesoff.Youwouldnotdothis every time, but sometimes a strategy like this can jump-startthekidsintorememberinganewbehavior.“Ifyouchangebefore the timer goes off, you can stay up ten minutes latertonight. If you don’t beat the timer, bedtime is ten minutesearlier.”Simple,calm,straightforward.

2. Canyouuse the docking systemhere?No, because you can’tdresshimandchargehimfortheservice.Youcould,ofcourse,use thedocking system ifwhatyouhadaskedyour son todowas takeout thegarbage.Afterhis first refusalof the refuse,youmightsimplysay,“Doyouwanttotakeoutthetrash,ordoyouwanttopaymetodoit?”Goodmaneuver.

3. How about natural consequences for our reluctant clotheschanger?Thistacticisapossibility.Theboywhoplaysoutsidein his school clothesmight be required to wash his outfit assoonashecomesin.

4. Finally, you could consider using counting. Can your sonchange clothes in two minutes? Maybe. So as the boy iswalkingout thedoor—schooloutfit still on—you simply say,“That’s 1.” He probably won’t know right away what you’re

talking about, so he’ll respond with, “What?” His commentmayevenbealittleornery.

That’sgood—makehimthinkalittle.Youpause,thensay,“Schoolclothes.”Ifyoursonthengoesofftohisroominahufftochange,fine.Youprobablydon’thavetocountthehuff.If,however,heyellsatyou,“WhydoIalwayshavetochangemyidiotschoolclothes?Aretheymadeoutofgoldthreads?”

Popquiz:Whatshouldyoudonow?Yougotit!Yousay,“That’s2”forTestingTactic2,temper.

Getting Started: Rehearsing Your Routines

Thesearesomeofthetacticsyoucanusetohelpsetupyourroutineswith thekids.Thebettera routine, the lessaggravationand the lessmotivation is required when the kids have to produce the requiredbehavior. The sign of a good routine is that your prompting andnagging are minimal, and your comments mostly involve positivereinforcement.

It’sagoodideatopracticetheroutinesonceyou’vedefinedthem.Simply defining a routine and then expecting the kids to complywithoutanyrehearsalsistheLittleAdultAssumptionatworkinyourbrainagain.Kidsneedtosee,feel,andrememberhowtheparticularroutineworks. Somake time for some leisurely dress rehearsals ofyourStartbehaviorroutines—beforetheprocedureactuallyneedstobeused.

With the little ones (under five years old) you can use amodel-and-pretend method for practicing. You say something like this:“Let’spracticegettingreadyforbed.Isn’tthatsilly?Thesunisstillshining!What do we have to do to get ready?” Then reinforce thekids’positiveanswers.

Next you describe the process as you model the procedure forthem. “First, I’m going to wash up—just like you said. Then I’mgoingtoputmyjammieson(putsomethingoveryourclothes).Nextwesitonthebedforastory.”

Afteryou’vemodeledtheroutine,havethechilddoitandpraiseher as she goes along: “That’s it—you rememberedwhatwas next.Goodwork.”Remember,somekidslikebusinessandsomesyrup!

Witholderkids(fiveandup),youcanskipthemodelingandjustask them to go through the motions. Praise the kids and suggestmodificationsinwhattheyaredoingasnecessary.

Onceyou’verehearsedyourroutinesandstartedusingthem,trytokeepprettymuchtothesametime,sameplace,sameway.Butwhatifthe kids get sloppy with their homework or bedtime routine?RememberStartBehaviorTactic5—naturalconsequences?Anaturalconsequence of getting sloppywith a routine is needing to rehearseandpracticetheroutineagain!Norighteousindignation,nagging,orarguingfromyouisnecessary.Beniceandpraisecooperation.You’llfindthatthingswillfallbackintoplace.

That’sourlistofStartbehaviorstrategies.You’llprobablybeabletocomeupwithseveralofyourownafterawhile.Nextwe’lltakealookathowtoapplythesetacticstosomeofthemostcommonStartbehavior problems. You’re going to be an expert motivator in notime!

CHAPTERSUMMARYYourSevenStartBehaviorTactics

1. Positivereinforcement2. Simplerequests3. Kitchentimers4. Thedockingsystem5. Naturalconsequences6. Charting7. Countingvariation

Keepyourthinkingcapon—andgoodluck!

13

GETTING UP AND OUT IN THEMORNING

Building the Routines That Start Your Day

IF EVER A ROUTINEwassorelyneeded,it’sforgettingthekidsupandout of the house in the morning. This is a problem for grammar-schoolkids,butitcanalsobeanissueforpreschoolers,highschoolstudents, and even spouses. Morning often brings out the worst ineverybody. Many people—both parents and kids—are naturallycrabbyatthispoint,andthereistheadditionalstrainofhavingtogetsomeplace on time. The pressure, nervousness, and emotionalthunderstormsthatcanresulthaveruinedmanyaparent’sday.

For the kids, the morning routine involves a whole sequence ofStartbehaviors:(1)gettingoutofbed;(2)bathroom,washingup,andbrushing teeth; (3) getting dressed; (4) eating breakfast; and (5)leavingthehouseontimewiththerightequipment.Whatisrequired

mayvary some from family to family (like switching3 and4), butit’sbasicallythesamejob.

Believe it or not, these stressfulmorning situations can often beshapedupratherquicklyusingsomeoftheStartbehaviorprincipleswe justoutlined.Remember,on schooldaymornings, countingwillnotbeyourprimarytactic.AndtheNoTalkingandNoEmotionRulesstillapply—evenifyouhaven’thadyourfirstcupofcoffee.

Before you design yourmorning routine, a few pieces of advicemayhelp.First,doasmuchpreparationasyoucan thenightbefore(packing book bags, selecting clothes, planning breakfast). Second,trytogetupfifteenminutesbeforethekids.(Olderchildrenmaygiveyoumoresnoozetime.)Andthird,keepbreakfastsimple,quick,andhealthy.

Getting Up and Out for the Little Kids

Smallchildren in the two-to-five-year-oldrangearegoing toneedalot of help and supervision in the morning. These children are notcapableofsustainingapositiveactivityformorethanafewminutes,andmostofthemwillnoteventhinkofwhatneedstobedonetogetoutof thehouse.You’regoing tohave tohelp two- and three-year-oldsgetdressedandwashup.Trytodothingsinthesameordereveryday. You’ll also be responsible for remembering anything thechildren have to take with them. And while you’re doing all this,you’llwanttopraisewhateverpositiveeffortstheymake.

Four- and five-year-olds will often respond to the use of veryprimitive,basiccharts.Thechartmayhaveonlytwoorthreeitemsonit.These charts canbe combinedwith kitchen timers to produce aneffectivemotivational system.Achart for a preschoolermight looksomethinglikethis:

MON TUES WED THURS FRI

OUT OF BEDBRUSH TEETHGET DRESSED

Setthetimerforfifteenminutesandgivethechildacuethatit’stimetogetstarted.Manyofthelittleonesarealreadyoutofbed,sothat item on the chart has been successfully completed.Whicheverothertasksthechildfinishesbeforethetimergoesoffarerecognizedwithspecialstickers.

With kids in the primary grades, the chart may have all themorning-routine items on it and the timer may or may not benecessary. For each task, the child earns her favorite sticker for asuperjobandhernextfavoritestickerforagoodjob.Nostickeratallmeans“Youblewittoday,betterlucktomorrow!”Theapplicationofthe stickers, of course, should be accompanied by a lot of praise:“Goodjob!”or“Wow,youdiditinonlytwelveminutes!”

In some families, breakfast and TVmust wait until the child istotally ready to leave the house—washed, dressed, and packed. Thebreakfast, entertainment, and praise serve as reinforcers for thechild’ssuccessfulStartbehavior.

What about fighting, teasing,whining, or other Stop behavior inthemorning? Stop behavior should be counted as usual. If there istimefora time-out,don’thesitate touseone. If there isnotenoughtime,considerusingatime-outalternative.“Guys,that’s3.Bedtimeisfifteenminutesearlierforbothofyoutonight.OK,let’sgetinthecar.”

Responsibility Training for Older Kids

For childrennineyearsold andup (includinghigh school age), youcanstillusethemethodsjustdescribed.Butifyouhavetheguts—and

ifyou’dliketogetoutofanunwantedsupervisoryrolefaster—here’saversionofnaturalconsequences foryou.Thisup-and-outprograminvolves some drastic alterations in themorning routine, and thesechangeswilloftenshock thekids intobeingmuchmoreresponsibleforthemselves.Butbeforewarned:extremeself-restraintonthepartofmomsanddadsisrequired.

Before explaining this new regime, we remind parents that—believe it or not—most kids want to go to school and would beembarrassedif theywerelateordidn’tshowupatall.Parentsdon’tappreciatethattheirkidsfeelthiswaybecausethekidsgoofoffinthemorning instead of getting ready. But the kids dillydally preciselybecause their parentshavehabitually takenall the responsibility forthemgettingtoschoolontime.

Nowthatwayofthinkingisgoingtochange—inbothchildrenandparents.Here’showthenewprocedureworks.Youexplaintothekidsthatfromnowon,itwillbetheirresponsibility—notyours—togetupand out in the morning. You will neither supervise them nor nagthem.Ifyouhavebeenwakingthemup,youwillwakethemuponlyonce fromnowon.Abetter system is to get an alarmclockor cellphone with an alarm function and show the child how to use it.Explaintothekidsthatiftheygobacktosleepafteryouronewake-upcallorafterthealarmgoesoff,youwillnotwakethemagainandtheywilldefinitelyhaveaproblem.

You make it clear to the kids that getting up, getting dressed,washingup,eatingbreakfast,andleavingontimewillbetheirjob—totally. If you wish, you can chart the kids on how well they dogetting up and out, but other than casual conversation, youwill notsayanythingtothem.

Yourchildrenwillnotbelieve thatyouare serious,because theywill find it completely incomprehensible that youwould ever allowthemtoget toschool late. (Youmayhave troublewith thatconcepttoo!)Soguesswhat?Youaregoingtohavetomakebelieversoutof

them.

QuikTip

Tell your older kids that from now on, getting up and out in the morning is going tobe their responsibility—totally. You will neither supervise nor nag them. At first,your children will not believe you are serious, but they will believe you are seriousafter you’ve let them get burned a few times. What’s your chief job in all this? It’skeeping quiet.

This new system relies on natural consequences. If the kidsdillydally in the morning, they are going to run into troublesomewhere.The troublemaybewith theotherkids in the carpool,whoarenowafraidthattheyaregoingtobelatebecauseofyoursonordaughter.(Canyoustandthat?)Orthetroublemaycomefromthechildhavingtoexplaintoaprincipalorteacherwhyhewaslateandhasnoparentalnoteexcusinghim.Mostkidsdon’twantthesekindsof problems, so we use the threat of these natural consequences tohelpshapethemup.

Some parents can’t stand this routine. It drives some grown-upscrazytowatchtheirkidsfoolingaroundwhenthebusorcar-poolrideis coming in five minutes. These are the moments when extremeparentalself-restraintiscalledfor.Youwillwanttotalk,nag,argue,orscream.I’vehadtoaskmanyparentstotaketheircoffee,retiretothebedroom,andnotwatchtheimpendingdisaster.Onemothertold

me, “If I’m going to have to keep quiet and not watch, I want amartini—notacupofcoffee!”

Breakfast is optional for these older children.You can put somefoodout if thatwasyourusual routinebefore,butyoucan’t remindthe kids to eat it. It’s better if the kids just getwhat theywant forthemselves. Children won’t die frommissing breakfast.When theyleave, you say nothing about coats, hats, or gloves, unless there isdangeroffrostbite.

What you are doing with this new up-and-out arrangement isteaching the kids responsibility and invoking a sacred rule ofpsychology: sometimes the hard way is the best way to learn. Thelessonssinkinmorewhenkidsgetburnedafewtimesthanwhentheysimply hear a lecture. So you have to bewilling to let the kids getburned.Don’tevenstartthisprocedureunlessyouareconvincedyouare ready for the strain and—more important—that you can keepquiet.

Itusually takesnomore than fivedays for thechild to shapeupand successfully get up and out on his own. During that five-dayperiod,yourchildwillprobablybelatetoschoolafewtimesandwillfeel embarrassed. He will have had the experience of suddenlyrealizing at seven fifty that he’s not dressed and that Mom didn’tremindhimthathisridewascomingateight.Hemayhavegottentoschool and realized he forgot his math book because he was lateleaving.Hemayalsohaveblownupathismothera fewtimes(andbeen counted!) because she didn’t provide any reminders or excusenotes.

Kidshavefourwaysofgettingtoschool:carpool,bus,walking,orridingbikes.Whentheycanwalkorbiketoschool,ofcourse,thisup-and-outprogramis theeasiest.Withcarpoolsorbus,youcandrivethekidsiftheydon’tmaketheirconnection.Don’trush,however;letthem get to school late. Most kids will not get dependent on yourdriving,especiallyifthey’retardyanyway.Ifyoudohavetodrivethe

kids,don’tlectureontheway.Thesenegativeexperienceshavequiteanimpactonmostkids.If

theparentsareconsistent,don’ttalk,andletthekidsgetburned,thechildrenwillshapeupinafewdays.No“Itoldyouso”commentsareallowed. Then things will be much more peaceful at home in themorningandthekidswillbemuchmoreresponsible.

Some parents have used charting along with our naturalconsequencesprogram.Ifyoudecidetodothis,makesureyoupraisegoodperformances(“It’ssomucheasierwithyougettingyourselfupinthemorning!”)andreviewthechartatleastonceaweek.Youcandiscuss the issue, listen, give brief suggestions, or makemodificationsat timesother thanwhen thekidsaregettingready inthemorning.

Facing Morning Routine Challenges

Before they’ve used this gutsy procedure, many parents think theirkids will be indifferent.Moms and dads think their children reallywon’t care whether or not they get to school on time. Part of thereasonthegrown-upsbelievethisisbecausethechildrenhavesaidso.Neverbelieveachildwhosays“Idon’tcare.”Heusuallymeanstheopposite.

If you are skeptical about this up-and-out procedure, considertryingthisarrangementandseewhathappens.Mostkids—notall,butmost—willshapeup.Thekidswillgetupandoutontheirown.Themost important rules are to keep quiet and be willing to let thechildrensuffertheconsequences—morethanonce,ifnecessary.Youmaywant to let the school knowwhat you’re doing.Most teachersandprincipalswillcooperatewithyou,especiallyifyouexplainyourpurposeandlabeltheprocedure“independencetraining.”

Whatifyoujustdon’tthinkyoucanstandit?Rememberthatyou

have other Start behavior tools for establishing routines. Considercharting,perhapswithartificial reinforcers,andtheuseofakitchentimer. Since these kids are older, you might also discuss yourmorning routines at a familymeeting. (Seechapter22.)Onewayoranother,though,itisabsolutelycriticalforeveryonetostartthedayon a positive note. Adults take bad memories from unsuccessfulmornings to work with them, and kids can take those same lousymemoriestoschool.

Ifyouaresuccessfulusingnaturalconsequences,relaxandenjoyyourkids,anothercupofcoffee,andthepeaceandquiet.Goodluck!

CHAPTERSUMMARYMorningRoutine

1. Outofbed2. Bathroom,washup,brushteeth3. Getdressed4. Breakfast5. Leaveontimewiththerightequipment

14

CLEANING UP AND CHORES

Tips for Getting Your Kids to Clean Up afterThemselves

WHILE OUR RESEARCH OVERtheyearshasindicatedthatwhiningisthemost aggravating Stop behavior problem for parents of youngchildren,kidsnotcleaningupafter themselveshasconsistentlywonout as the most irritating Start behavior problem. Some kids leavetheir stuff strewn all over the house, but amazingly they also haveenoughlefttomessuptheirentirebedroom.Andotherundonechorescompetewithmessy houses andmessy rooms in the battle to driveparentscrazy.

Unfortunatelyforus,mostkidsarenotnaturallyneat.Perhapsthepicking up and chore genes are missing from their chromosomalmakeup. Conclusion? Children need to be trained to pick up, cleantheirrooms,anddochores.

How can you do that? By this time you shouldn’t have to bereminded that you won’t get the kids to complete these unpleasant

tasksbynaggingordeliveringthelecture,“TheSevenReasonsWhyIt’sEasieronMeforYoutoHaveaCleanRoom.”Countingisn’tsohelpful either here, because it doesn’t provide the long-termmotivationneededtocompletechores.

Instead,youhaveseveraloptionsforyourkidswhoarefour,five,andolder.Herearesomegoodones.

Strategies for Dealing with Messy Bedrooms

Yourstomachchurnswithdisgustwhenyouviewthedestructionandchaos that is your daughter’s bedroom. Things are thrown all over.You’veforgottenwhatcolorthecarpetwas.Thecatwaslastseenintherethreeweeksago.Hereacoupleofsimpleroutines.

Close the Door and Don’t LookHaving a clean room is not a life-or-deathmatter.We know of noresearch indicating thatkidswhodidn’tkeep their roomsneatgrowuptobeviolentormorelikelytodivorce.Besides,whoseroomisit?Youdon’thavetoliveinit,sowhynotjustaskthechildtokeepthedoorclosedsoyoudon’thavetodealwiththeaggravation?

Mostparentsdon’tlikethisidea,butbeforeyoudismisstheclose-the-door-and-don’t-lookmethod, ask yourself one question:Do youhaveachildwithbehavioraloremotionalproblems,suchasADHD,learningdisability,anxiety,ordepression?Ifyouhaveahandicappedchildoronewho’sverydifficulttobeginwith,whyaddanothersetofdifficultiestoyourproblems?

Imaginethatyourdaughterhatesschool,hateshomework,hasnofriends, feels lousy most of the time, and fights with her brotherconstantly.Shouldyoualsogetafterheraboutthestufflyingaroundon her bedroom floor? You need to straighten out your priorities,becauseyouhavebigger fish to fry.Option1surebeatsyellingand

nagging.Option1 isquite legitimate for some families, but there are two

problems with this procedure: (1) most parents find the notionunacceptable,and(2)dirtydishesanddirtylaundrycan’tbeignored.

Ifyoudon’twanttouseOption1,moresuggestionswillfollowinthenextsectionsofthischapter.Asfordirtydishesanddirtyclothes,youcantryalmostanyotherStartbehaviortactic.Atimer,charting,orthe1-2-3method(ifthedishesorclothescanbepickedupinlessthan two minutes) can be helpful. Remember to praise compliancefrom time to time with older kids and frequently with youngerchildren.

Some parents whose kids are older simply tell them that anyclothesthatdon’tmakeittothelaundryorhamperdon’tgetwashed.Then the child has to wash them herself. Those are examples ofnatural consequences. The docking system can also be considered.You go and get the dirty clothes or dishes from the room, but youcharge foryour labor.You’ll feelbetter abouthaving todo the job.Makesureyoukeepyourmouthshutabout thewholeoperationandkeepthefeesreasonable.

The Weekly Cleanup RoutineDon’t like Option 1? Option 2 is a favorite with many moms anddads.With theweekly cleanup routine, the kids have to clean theirrooms only once aweek, but according to your specifications.Youmightexplainthatthefollowingchoreshavetobedone:pickuptoys,putclothesinhamper,makebed,maybevacuum.Aspecificdayandtime, such as Saturday morning, is chosen, and the child is notallowedtogooutside,play,ordoanythingelseuntilhisroomisdoneandyou’veapprovedit.

CleaningtheroomisaStartbehavior,andyouwillberewardingthechildimmediatelyaftertheroomcleaningwithbothfreedomandpraise. If artificial reinforcers are necessary, these rewards will be

talliedorrecordedatcheckouttime,potentiallywithachart.Many parents have tried something like the weekly cleanup

routine,butthegrown-upsoftenruinthewholeprocedurebygettingintoanargumentwiththechildatcheckout.Neverargueaboutwhatneedstobedone;makethespecificationsclearinthefirstplace.Forexample:

“I’mdonewithmyroom.CanIgooutnow?”“Yourbed’snotfinished.”“Whaddayamean?That’sgoodenough.”(Dadturnstowalkaway.)“What’sthematterwithit?”“That’s1.”“Oh,forPete’ssake!”(Goestofinishbed.)Thisdadhadalreadyexplainedthatthebedhadtobeneatlymade,

sotherewasnoneedforfurthertalk.Hissonstartstesting,usingthebadgeringtactic,andafterignoringthebadgeringonce,Dadusesthe1-2-3strategy.Ifthechildwindsupbackinhisroomwitha3countandatime-out, that’sperfect!He’llhaveafewminutestomakehisbedproperly.

Tactics for Picking Up around the House

Letmemakeonethingperfectlyclear:Theclose-the-door-and-don’t-lookmethod applies only to the kids’ rooms. The scheme does notapply to therestofyourhouse!Youshouldn’tallowthechildren toleave your kitchen, family room, dining room, bathrooms, andhallways cluttered with their things. (As all parents know, kitchencounters and tables are such convenient dumping grounds.) Youcertainly can’t close a door and not look when the entire house isinvolved. Here are some useful routines for common areas of thehouse.

Kitchen Timer and Docking SystemThese two Start behavior tactics can be very handy in getting thehouse picked up—especially when you can’t avoid having tostraightenuponthespurofthemoment.Whenthejobhastobedoneright away, the timer is helpful for picking up public areas such asfamily rooms and kitchens. If a surprise guest is coming over, youmaynothavemuchtimetoplayaround:

“Hey, kids.Mr. andMrs. Johnson are coming over in forty-fiveminutes.I’llneedallyourstuffoutofthekitchenbythen.I’msettingthetimer.”

Whenusingthetimerlikethis,it’sperfectlyOK(andfun)toaddanartificialrewardiftheroomisdonewithinacertaintime.Orevenan artificial punishment if it’s not—they don’t do it, they pay you.Just be sure not to use artificial rewards for everythingyou ask thekidstodo.Yourpraiseshouldbeenoughrewardmostofthetime—and don’t forget that part of a child’s satisfactionwhen you praisehimisknowingthathedidsomethingthatmadeyouhappy.

The Garbage Bag MethodThis procedure has been a favorite of parents for many years. Thedealisthis:youfirstencouragethechildrenasmuchaspossiblenottoleavetheirstufflyingaroundthehouse.You’renotgoingtoexpectperfection. “Stuff” includes clothes, DVDs, books, papers, toys,Barbies,shoes,pens,comics,electronicgames,videos,fossils,andsoon.

Next,youtellthekidsthatatacertaintimeeveryday,theirthingshavetoberemovedfromthepublicareasofthehouseandreturnedtotheir bedrooms.Maybe you pick 8:00 p.m. as the cutoff time.Youwillpickupanything leftoutaftereightandput it inabiggarbagebagorsomeothercontainer.Thechildwilllosetherighttousethoseitems until 6:00 p.m. the following day. You can set the timeshoweveryouwant.

Someparentsthreatentoactuallythrowawaythethingstheyfindthatarenotputaway.Therearetwoproblemswiththisnotion.First,if you do throw away some of your children’s possessions, that’sprettyharsh(butparentshavedoneit!).Afterall,they’rejustkidsanddon’thaveaninherentdesiretopickupafterthemselves.Second,it’slikelyyouwon’treallythrowthestuffaway.You’lljustgoblusteringaroundaboutthatpossibilityandhowunfairyourlifeis.Inthiscase,youaresimplymakingauseless,emptythreat,andthekidswillcatchontoyourightaway.

QuikTip

Your kids do not have a right to mess up your entire house! Tell the children thatby a certain time every day, anything of theirs that you find lying around will beconfiscated and unavailable to them until a certain time the following day. Pick upthe kids’ things without grumbling or lecturing. You’ll soon find that before themagic hour comes each day, they will be scurrying around to salvage theirpossessions.

Soimagineyou’reusingthegarbagebagroutineandhavepicked8:00p.m.asthecutofftime.At7:50p.m.youremindseven-year-oldCaitlin that her things need to be picked up. She doesn’t respondbecauseshedoesn’treallythinkyou’lldoanythingaboutit.At8:05p.m., however,whenyouquietly beginwalking aroundwith a largeplasticbagandhavealreadyclaimedfiveofherprizedpossessions,Caitlin becomes a believer. She runs around frantically grabbingwhateverofhersshecanfindbeforeyougettoitandyelling,“Thisis

stupid!Thisisn’tfair!”Youconsidercountingherscreaming,butyoudon’t.Youput the

bagawayinyourbedroomcloset.Thefollowingnightatsevenfifty,whenyousay“Cleanuptime!”Caitlinscurriesaroundretrievingherthings and then takes them to her bedroom. You say, “Good job,Caitlin—itlooksrealniceinhere!”Youareamodelofrestraintandamotivationalwizard.

The 55-Gallon DrumI cannot take credit for this next plan.A lady described it when Ispokewithheronthephonemanyyearsago.Shetoldmethatpickingup around her house had never been a problem. This resourcefulmother kept a 55-gallonmetal drum in the garage,whichwas rightnext to her kitchen.Whenever she found anything of her children’sthatwas out of place, shewould simply put the items in themetaldrum.

This procedure had become so routine with her four boys thatwhenever one of the kids couldn’t find something of his, hewouldsimply look in the drum. One day, for example, her second oldestcamerunningintothekitchenandexclaimed,“Mom,Ican’tfindmygymshoes.Aretheyinthedrum?”“Yes,”washismother’sreply,andtheincidentwasover.

Yousayyoudon’thappentohavea55-gallondrumhandy,oryourkidscouldn’treachinthereifyoudid?Alargeboxwilldofine.

How to Handle Chores

Bynowyoucouldprobablywritethissectiononchoresyourself!Weonlyneed tomakea fewmorepoints.First of all, praiseyour littleones(fiveandunder)whenevertheyhelpout,butdon’texpectthemtobe able to remember or to sustainworkprojects formore than a

few minutes. Second, when the kids are approximately seven andolder, consider using the familymeeting (seechapter22) to discussanddivideup the jobs that regularlyneed tobedone.Thisplanningwill help you avoid the curse of the spontaneous request,whichwementionedearlier.

Third,chartingisanexcellenttacticforchores.Thechartservesasbothareminderofwhatneedstobedoneandarecordofhowwellthetaskwas accomplished.When charting chores, consider trying onlynatural reinforcers (praise, the chart itself, and job satisfaction)initially. See how far you get with naturals and only use artificialrewards(allowance,points,andsoon)ifyou’renotgettinganywherebecausethetaskissoobnoxiousorforeigntoyourchild.

Fourth,thedockingsystemisalsoperfectlysuitedtochores.Ifthekidsdon’tdowhatthey’resupposedto,youquietlydoitforthemandtheypayyou.Thepaymentshouldnotbeaccompaniedbyaparentallectureabout responsibility.Alsobe forewarned that somekidswillhappily pay you for doing their jobs, and their chore-completionbehaviorwillnotimprove.Whatdoyoudointhiscase?Youcanuptheante—theypaymoreforyoutodothechore.Oryoucanjusttakethemoneyandrun.Considerthisanintroductionforyourchildtotheworkingsofa serviceeconomy:youdon’tget free service;youpayforit.There’salessoninthatforyourkids.

One final word about pets. Caring for an animal is obviously achore.When they areoverwhelmedwith excitement about getting acat or dog, most kids don’t realize that eventually they’ll have toregularly completeboring tasks, suchas feeding,watering, cleaningup,andbrushing.Whenitcomestopets,ourStartbehaviortacticsarenotallequallyhelpful.Praise,theuseofatimer,andchartingcanallbeuseful,ofcourse.Thenaturalconsequencestacticisinappropriate,however,becausethismethodendangerstheanimal.Perhapsthebestmethodforpets is thedockingsystem,becauseyoucancarefor thepetwhileyourchildislearningtobemoreresponsible.

With regard topets, however, thebest advice forparents is this:don’tgetanyanimalthatyoudon’twanttotakecareofyourself.

CHAPTERSUMMARYParents’FavoriteRoutinesforCleaningUpandChores

Forcleaningrooms:TheWeeklyCleanupRoutine

Forpickinguparoundthehouse:TheGarbageBagMethod

Forchores(excepthomework):TheDockingSystem

15

SURVIVING SUPPERTIME

What to Do When Your Kids Won’t Eat

THEY SAY MEALTIMES ARE supposed to be a time for familytogetherness and family bonding. Dinnertime is a time to open up,talkaboutyourday,andenjoyeverybody’scompany.Unfortunately,whenyoumixgeneralchildhoodfidgetiness,alittlesiblingrivalry,afinicky vegetable-eater or two, and tired adults, you often have therecipeforanunpleasantoccasion.

Picky Pete Who Would Not Eat

Here’s a situation most parents have experienced at one time oranother.It’ssuppertimeattheJenkins’shouse.Peter,however,isnotahappycamper.He’spickingunenthusiasticallyathisfoodwhilehissister,Alicia,happilychowsdown.

Mom:“Comeon,Peter.Let’sgetgoing.”Peter:“I’mnothungry.”Dad:“Whatdidyouhavetoeatafterschool?”Peter:“Notthatmuch.”Dad:“Thenhowcomeyou’renoteating?”Peter:“Iameating!”Mom:“Noyou’renot!”Peter:“WeneverhaveanythingIlike.”(Silence. Frustrated parents look at each other and continue

eating.)Peter:“WhydoIhavetoeatthisstuff?”Mom: “Because, you know, youwant to grow up to be big and

strong.Youneedenergy.”Peter:“ButIdon’tlikeanyofit.”Mom: “OK, if you don’t finish, there will be no dessert and

nothingelsetoeatbeforebed.Doyouunderstand?”Alicia:“Ilikewhatwe’rehaving.”Peter:“Oh,shutup!”Dad:“Peter,you’vegotfiveminutestofinish.”Peter:“Dogfood’sbetterthanthisjunk!”Dad:“Uptoyourroom,rightnow,youngman!That’snowayto

talktoanyone!”(Peterstompsuptohisroom.Aliciatakesanotherbigbite.)

QuikTip

Try this with your finicky eaters. Give the kids super-small portions and then setthe timer for twenty minutes. If the children finish before the timer goes off, theyget their dessert. You may not nag or prompt—the timer will do that for you.

This scene is not a warm-and-friendly family interaction. Thisepisodehasalltheelementsfordisaster:onepickyeater,twofightingsiblings,andtwowearyparentswhoaretalkingtoomuchandaskingsilly questions.Here are several routines to help avoid this kind oftrouble.

Strategies for Mealtime

Small Portions and a Kitchen TimerDoyouhavefussyeaterslikePickyPete?Getoutakitchentimerandsetitfortwentyminuteswhenyouallsitdownatthetable.Tellthekidstheyhavetofinishtheirdinnerinthattime.Iftheydofinishthemealintwentyminutes,theygettheirdessert.You’renotallowedtopromptanyonetoeat;that’swhatthetimerisfor.

Whenyoustartthekitchentimermethod,initiallygiveyourhard-to-pleasechildrenverysmallportionsoffoodstheydon’tlike.Evenridiculously small, if necessary, such as three peas, a tablespoon ofscallopedpotatoes,and twobitesofporkchop.Researchshows thatchildrenwhoareexposedtonewfoodsbutnotforcedtoeatthemwilloften come around and start to enjoy some of the more exoticpossibilities.Thatresultisalothealthierfortheminthelongrun.

If the kids goof around or fight at the dinner table, they getcounted.Ifanyonehitsacountof3,heistimedoutforfiveminuteswhilethetwentyminutesonthetimerkeeponticking.Youmaynotmake comments such as, “Come on now, don’t forget the timer’sticking,”or“Quitthatgoofingaroundandgetdowntoeating,youngman!”Youareprobablyalsoawarebynowthatyoushouldnotcount

thekidsfornoteating.EatingisaStartbehavior,notaStopbehavior.What will help prompt the children to wolf down the chow? Thetimer:tick,tick,tick.Youcanpraisethekidswhentheydoeat.

What if the timer rings and there is still food on the plates?Nodessert—at least yet. The plate goes into the kitchen and onto thecounter.Cover the leftoverswithplasticwrap.Afterahalfhourhasexpired, the children have the right to finish themeal if theywish.Thefoodcanbequicklynukedinthemicrowaveifnecessary.Ifthechildrendon’tevereattherestoftheirmeal,that’sfine—butstillnodessert. Someparents throw the rest of the child’s dinner down thedisposalwhenthetimerhitstwentyminutes,butthisprocedureseemsalittleextreme.

Stay on your toeswhen a hungry little totwho didn’t finish herdinnerputsthehitonyoulaterforsometreats.

ROUNDONE“I’mreadyformyicecreamnow.”

“You’llhavetofinishyourdinnerfirst,honey.”“It’sallcold.”“We’lljustheatitinthemicrowaveforafewseconds,andit’llbe

goodasnew.”“Ididn’tlikeitanyway.Ijustwantalittleicecream.”“Nowyouknowtherules,dear.Youhavetofinishwhat’sonyour

plate first. Remember, we didn’t give you that much in the firstplace.”

“Inevergetanything!”“What are you talking about—you never get anything? That’s

enoughofthat!Eitherfinishyourdinnerorstopbuggingme!”“Ihateyou!”This interactionwas an unfortunatewaste of time and also very

hardonthisrelationship.

ROUNDTWOTheconversationshouldhavegonelikethis:

“I’mreadyformyicecreamnow.”“You’llhavetofinishyourdinnerfirst,honey.”“It’sallcold.”“We’lljustheatitinthemicrowaveforafewseconds,andit’llbe

goodasnew.”“Ididn’tlikeitanyway.Iwantjustalittleicecream.”“That’s1.”“ThenI’llgotobedstarving!”(Walksaway)Mom didmuch better. There were no LittleAdult explanations,

andMotherignoredherdaughter’smartyrdom.

The Three-Out-of-Four RuleLet’sreturntothecaseofPickyPete.ImaginethatPeter’sparentssitdown, review themealtimesituation,andcomeupwithanewplan.MomandDadexplainthenewdealtotheirson.IfPetereatsthreeoutoffour itemsonhisplate, theboycanhavehisdessert.Theservingsizeswillbesmaller,andPeterhastoat least taste theonethinghedoesn’tchoosetoeat.

Thefirstmealunderthenewregimegoeswell.Eventhoughtheyare a bit nervous, both parents avoid any anxious prompting. Peterfinishes his smaller portions of pork, mashed potatoes, and peas.Aftertastingit,heforgoesthesalad.Hegetsicecreamfordessert.

After the mealtime overhaul, the first week passes without anyunpleasant incidents. Peter and his parents actually enjoy oneanother’s company. The dinner table conversation is spirited andfriendly.

“Pete,howwasthatmovieyousawwithyourfriend?”“Oh,cool!Youguysgottaseeit!”“Youreallythinkwe’dlikeitatouradvancedages?”“Oh,yeah!Let’sgo—I’llgoseeitagain.”

“Well,ifyourmother’swilling,itmightbepossible.”“Mom,yougottago.It’ssoneat!There’sthisonepartwhere…”That’sthewaymealsshouldbe.ButwhatifPeterandAliciastart

fighting?Theywillbothbecounted.Inouroriginalscene,itwouldgosomethinglikethis:

Peter:“ButIdon’tlikeanyofit.”Mom: “OK, if you don’t finish, there will be no dessert and

nothingelsetoeatbeforebed.Doyouunderstand?”Alicia:“Ilikewhatwe’rehaving.”Peter:“Oh,shutup!”Mom:“That’s1foreachofyou.”

KeyConcept

Who says you have to eat dinner together every single night of the year?Consider having some special nights where each person eats wherever shewishes. Or—better yet—have some nights when one parent takes one child outto eat. It’s different and it’s fun!

SomeofyoumaywonderwhyAlicia shouldbecounted.All shedidwassay,“Ilikewhatwe’rehaving.”Canyouguesstheanswer?Itwasallinherrose-coloredbutcompetitivetiming.

The Divide-and-Conquer RoutineMany parents seem to feel that there is a federal law dictating that

everyfamilyeatsupper togethereverynightof theyear.This is thetime,theexpertsclaim,for“familytogetherness”andforeachpersonto “share his or her day”with everyone else. Sometimes, however,dinner becomes a time for people to share their hostility towardeveryoneelse.Tempersaswellasappetitescanbelost.

What can a parent do to improve this situation? One solution,obviously, is to not eat together every night. Though some peopleconsiderthissacrilegious,itsurebeatsfightingallthetime.Nowyouonlyhavetofighteveryothernight!

Seriously,sometimesyoumightconsiderfeedingthekidsfirstoroccasionallylettingthemeatinfrontoftheTV.Or,nowandthen,letthekidseatwherever theywant to, as longas theybringback theirdishes.ThenMomandDadcaneatinthekitchenorhaveapeacefuldinner together later,or ifyou’re a singleparent, youmightwant alittletimetoyourselfonceinawhile.

Anotherideaisforeachparenttoperiodicallytakeonechildouttodinnerasakindofspecialoccasion.Onceaweekisn’tabadideaatall.Thisone-parent,one-childsetupisonethatthekidslove.It’salsoonewheresiblingrivalryisnotpossible,sotheparentismuchmorerelaxedandabletoenjoyhimself.

Think about suppertime. Eating supper should be a pleasantexperience. In fact, for most children, eating is a natural andenjoyable activity that doesn’t require much parental intervention.Withalittleplanningyoucanenjoyyoureveningsalotmore.

CHAPTERSUMMARYPossibleSuppertimeRoutines

1. Smallportionsandakitchentimer2. TheThree-Out-of-FourRule3. TheDivide-and-ConquerRoutine

16

TACKLING THE HOMEWORKPROBLEM

What to Do When Schoolwork Is Taking OverYour Family

HOMEWORK CIVIL WARS MAKE school nightsmiserable for thewholefamily.Schoolworkbattlescangoonfor two, three,or fourhoursanight. People begin to dread the evening, relationships becomestrained,andthechildinquestionlearnstohateschoolworkmoreandmore.There’sBrothersittingatthekitchentableafterdinnerstaringout thewindowwith a sour look on his face.The boy’s sister,whocompleted her homework years ago, sits in the other room, smuglywatchingTV.Mom andDad check in the kitchen every five or tenminutestobadgerthedistinguishedacademic.Overall,arottenendtotheday.

Howcanyoumakehomeworktimetolerableandefficient?

Spontaneous Requests Strictly Forbidden!

Firstofall,theworstmistakeyoucanmakeistoaskyourchild—justwhenyouhappen to thinkabout it—ifhehashomework.This is anexample of a spontaneous request, and your question is sure toprovoke hostility.Homework should be a daily routine, done at thesametimeandinthesameplaceasmuchaspossible.

Oneof thebestwaysof settingup a good routine is to have thechild come home, get a snack, goof around for thirty to forty-fiveminutes, and then sit down in a quiet spot and try to finish hisschoolworkbeforedinner.Thenthewholeeveningisfree—anditwillbefreeofhomeworkhasslesforyou!Formanybutnotallchildren,afternoonispreferabletoeveningforhomeworkbecausethechildhasmoreenergy.

Don’t let youryoung student do academicworkwith theTVon.The television is alwaysout togetyour attention.Believe it ornot,musicfromaCDoriPodmaybefine.Formanychildrenandteens,musiccanprovideconsistentbackgroundnoisethatblocksoutotherhouseholddistractions.

Helpful Homework Strategies

Natural ConsequencesIf you are going through the first experiences of your child havingtrouble with homework, consider trying the natural consequencesapproachfirst.Thatmeansyoudonothing.Keepquietandseeifthechild and the teacher can work things out. So many parents getanxious way too soon about their children’s schoolwork, with theresult that the grown-up prematurely takes charge of the job anddoesn’t give the child a chance to learn—and exercise—trueresponsibility.

Let your daughter, for example, explain toher teacher whyherworkwasnotcompleted.Andwhenyourdaughterlatercomplainstoyouabouthowirritatedherteacherwaswithherfornotturninginherhomework, insteadof saying, “I toldyou so,” say, “Thatmust havebeen embarrassing for you, but I’m sure you’ll do better.” If thisapproachdoesn’tseemtobeworkingafterafewweeks, thenswitchtosomeoftheotheralternativesdescribedinthischapter.

You obviously can’t rely on natural consequences to solve thebehavior,ifyouhavebeenhavinghomeworkproblemsforyearsandyears.Withchronicproblems,youwillneedto takeacloser lookatwhy your child is having such a hard time. Children with learningdisabilitiesandattention-deficitproblems,forinstance,notonlyneedawell-thought-outdailyhomeworkroutinebutmayalsobenefitfromtutoring,treatment,orotheracademicaccommodations.

Assignment SheetsAssignmentsheetsorassignmentnotebookscanbeextremelyhelpfulforkidswhohavehomeworktroubles.Assignmentnotebookstellyouexactly what work is due for each subject, which—among otherbenefits—helps prevent lying about homework. Many schools nowhaveInternet-basedhomeworkhotlineswhereforgetfulbutfortunatekidscanlogonafterhourstofindoutwhattheirassignmentsare.

Partoftheideaoftheassignmentsheet,ofcourse,isthatafterthechilddoesthework,theparentscancheckitagainstthelistofitemstobedone. If this is theprocedureyou are considering, you shouldroutinely include our next two homework procedures: the PNPMethodandtheRoughCheckout.

The PNP MethodSuppose your daughter has just completed her midweek spellingpretest.Therearetenwordsonthelist,andshespelledninecorrectlyandmisspelled one.When she brings you her paper, your first job,

naturally,istopointoutthewordshespelledwrong.Right?Wrong!PNPstandsfor“Positive-Negative-Positive.”Whenevera

childbringsanypieceofschoolworktoyou,thefirstthingoutofyourmouthmust be something positive—some compliment.Youmight,forinstance,praisethechildforrememberingtoshowyouherwork.After saying something nice about the child’s effort, youmay thenmake a negative comment, if it’s absolutely necessary. Finally, youshould conclude your insightful remarks with another piece ofpositive feedback. So the procedure is Positive-Negative (ifnecessary)-Positive.

The Rough CheckoutOur next idea, the Rough Checkout, will also help to make youreveningsalotmorepleasant.TheRoughCheckoutnotionisbasedonthe fact that eight in the evening is no time to expect scholasticperfection.Youhaveworkedallday,andyourchildhasputinabouttheequivalentofadayonafull-timejob—beforesheevenstartedherhomework!

Unless there is some major indication to the contrary, if yourdaughter’sschoolworkisanywherenear80percentneat,correct,andthorough,considerthejobdone.Letyourchildandteachercontinueworryingabouttheassignmenttomorrow.

This advice is doubly true for ADHD or LD children who arealreadyhavingatoughenoughtimewithschool.Youcanalsoadjustyour Rough Checkout criteria to your child’s overall achievementlevel.If,forexample,yourchildisgenerallyanexcellentstudent(A-Baverage),youmightconsiderraisingtherequiredneat,correct,andthoroughpercentageto90ormore.

I learned thisadvice thehardway.Amotheroncecame intomyoffice reporting that her twelve-year-old son was getting moredepressed, more irritable, and more distant from everyone in thefamily.Itturnedoutthathomeworkwasamajorproblemforthisboy

everynight.Theboywouldfinishhisassignmentsandbringthemtohis father forcheckout.Thatwas thegoodnews.Thebadnewswasthatiftheworkwasnotabsolutelyperfect,Dadwouldtearitupandmakehissonstartover!

So, if your child’s work is for the most part neat, correct, andcomplete—but not perfect—consider the PNP procedure. Don’t tellthechildthathisschoolworkissuperb,becauseit’snot.Justsaythattheworkisgoodandpraisesomespecificpartsofwhathehasdone.Perfectionist parents who squirm at this suggestion need to stay intouch with the emotional realities of childhood and the value ofholdingtheirchildrentorealisticexpectations.

Charting for HomeworkA daily charting system can be a godsend in improving academicwork and decreasing homework hostilities. This is especially truewhen charting is combined with the Rough Checkout and Positive-Negative-Positivemethods,andwhenspur-of-the-momenthomeworkrequestsareavoided.

QuikTip

The first thing out of your mouth when your child shows you her homework mustbe something positive—even if it’s just that she brought her work to you. Andremember: 8:00 p.m. is no time to expect academic perfection!

Since older kids are usually the ones who have trouble withhomework, a five-point scale can be used on the chart instead of

stickers.Fiveisthehighestmarkandoneisthelowestmark.Achildcanearnonepointforeachofthefollowingthings:

Neat: 1 pointCorrect: 1 pointThorough: 1 pointNo complaining: 1 pointStarting on your own at the right time without beingreminded: 1 point

TOTAL POSSIBLE SCORE: 5 points

Kids can get each of the first three points by doing better thanwhatever approximate percentage of neatness, correctness, andcompleteness you have required according to yourRoughCheckoutrules.Theno-complainingpoint isearnedif thechilddoesn’twhineorgrouseabouthavingtodohisschoolwork.

QuikTip

When charting homework performance using our five-point system, the fifth pointis the Magic Point. A child earns the fifth point for starting his schoolwork at theright time without being reminded. That’s half the battle!

Thelastpointisthecrucialone.Wesometimescallthefifthpointthe“MagicPoint,”becauseifyoucangetachildtostarthisworkonhisown,inatimelyfashionandwithoutbeingreminded,thebattleis

more than half won!You can also set up friendly incentive gameswith this last Magic Point. For example, three days in a row ofstarting on your own at the proper time earns a bonus point. Orstartingmorethanfifteenminutesearlyandfinishinginareasonableamountoftimeearnstwobonuspoints.

Rememberthatformanykidswithacademichandicaps,youmayhave touse artificial reinforcers tohelpmotivate the childover thehomeworkhurdle.Yoursuccessfulyoungscholar,forexample,mightearnaspecialoutingwithyou,aspecialmeal,partofhisallowanceearly,or timeonanewgameforpostingacertainnumberofpointsduringtheweek.Differentrewardsmayrequiredifferentnumbersofpoints.Checkbacktoourlistofpossiblerewardsinchapter12.

Also,don’tforgetthatkitchentimerwhendealingwithhomework.Onehelpfultacticistousethedevicetohelpbreakuptheworkintosmaller, manageable fifteen-to-twenty-minute pieces. A timer alsohelps keep kids on task. If your child complains that the timer’stickingbothershim,useasandhourglass,computer,orLCDdevice.

Getting homework time down to a manageable routine can dowonders for your kids as well as for you. Homework won’tnecessarily become fun, but it should not be a daily battle betweenyou and your child. If you have tried the tactics suggested here forfour to six weeks and you still feel that things are not going wellenough,itmaybetimeforaprofessionalevaluationoranevaluationby the school. Vision and hearing difficulties, specific learningdisabilities,attentiondeficits,andahostofotherproblemscanmakeschoolwork way too hard for some kids. A diagnostic workup isespeciallyindicatedwhenachildhasacademictroubleatschoolandisalsostrugglingtocompleteschoolworkathome.

CHAPTERSUMMARYHomeworkHelpers

1. Nospontaneousrequests!2. Naturalconsequences3. ThePositive-Negative-Positive(PNP)Method4. TheRoughCheckout5. Charting

Use the same tactics for practicing obnoxious musicalinstruments!

17

GOING TO BED–AND STAYINGTHERE!

How to Handle the Nightmare of Bedtime

FOR MANY FAMILIES, PUTTING the kids to bed is a daily nightmare.Althoughbedtimemaytechnicallybenine,at ten thirty thechildrenare still wandering around the house, asking for drinks, telling youtheyheardanoiseoutside,orgoingtothebathroomforthetwentiethtime.This“routine”maybeaccompaniedbyagooddealofarguing,which only ensures that everyonewill stay awake towatch the latemovietogether.

With a little thought, this bad end to your evenings can beeliminated.Yourworkdaysarelongenoughasitis.ManyofourStartbehaviortacticscanbeusedforbedtime.Putthesestrategiestogether,and you have some real and wonderfully helpful routines formanaging going to bed, staying in bed, and nighttime waking. No

parentalwishfulthinkingallowed!

The Basic Bedtime Method

Beforeyoudoanythingelse,setabedtimeforthekidsandsticktoit.Thebedtimemayvary,ofcourse,dependingonwhetherit’saschoolnightoraweekend,schoolyearorsummertime.Butexceptionstotheruleshouldberare.Otherwise,bedtime isopen tonegotiationeverynight,andthentotestingandmanipulation.

Let’ssayyouhaveanine-year-olddaughter,andyoudecide thatninewillbethetimeforhertogotobedonaschoolnight.TheBasicBedtimeMethod goes like this.At eight thirty you set a timer forthirtyminutes and tell the child that it’s time to get ready for bed.Thismeansthatyourdaughtermustdoeverythingrequiredtoprepareforbed(bathroom,teeth,pajamas,andsoon)—onherown—andthenreport to you.Make the preparation routine perfectly clear. If yourchild isonly twoor threeor four,you’llhave tohelpherget ready,butthesamerewardsandconsequenceswillapply.

Whenthechildhascompletedallthenecessarytasks,shereportstoyou.Ifsheaccomplishedeverythingshehadto,praiseherforherefforts.Nowcomes the reward.Whatever time is leftbetweeneightthirtyandnineistimeforjustthetwoofyou.Youmightreadastoryorsimplysitandtalk.Kidslovethiskindofone-on-onetimewithaparent.Stayinthebedroomanddon’tdoanythingsuperexciting.

This special timeserves threepurposes.First, it is an immediatereinforcerfor thechild independentlygettingreadyforbed.Second,theremainingminutesuntilnineareanicetimetogether.Andfinally,thesemomentswith you help the kids relax and get in themood—physicallyandmentally—forgoingtosleep.

QuikTip

The Basic Bedtime Method will save you lots of aggravation in the evenings. Thefirst requirement is that you pick a bedtime—and stick to it! Bedtime cannot berenegotiated every night.

Ifyouhavetroublecomingupwithaninventoryofallthatneedstobedoneforthekidstogetreadyforbed,justthinkofallthethingsthechildrenusuallytellyoutheyhaven’tdoneafter theyareinbed,andyou’llhavethelistrightaway:

“I’mhungryandIneedadrink.”“I’mscared.”“Ihavetogotothebathroom.”“Thesepajamasitch.”“There’saburglarinthebasement.”Andsoon,andsoon.Everyitemonthelistshouldbeaddressedas

well as possible before your child gets into bed. One caution here.Don’t lie downon the bed.There seems to be a biological law thatsays: Ifyouareover twenty-fiveyearsofage,and it’spasteight inthe evening, andyou spendmore than threeminutes in ahorizontalposition,you’llbeoutlikealight.Andthekidswillloveit!They’llenjoy thecomfort andnoveltyofhavingyou sleepingnext to them,buttheywillalsoquicklygetdependentonthisarrangementandstartexpecting—ordemanding—yourpresenceeverynight.

Andnow,thegrandfinale.Whenninerollsaround,tuckthechildin,kisshergoodnight,andleavetheroom.Youhavejusthadanicetimewithyourchild,andyourparentingjobisdonefortheday.

Right? Perhaps not.At this point some parents say, “How naiveyouare.WhenIleaveshe’srightbehindme!”or“IfIgodowntothekitchen,she’ssuretoshowupinlessthanthreeminutes.”Sowhatifyourdaughterwon’tstayinbedafternine?

Getting Out of Bed

Somekidsjustcan’tseemtostayinbedafteryoutuckthemin.Whileyou try to go about your business, they are always coming upwithsomenew reason for gettingout of bed.Why?Usually it’s becausethechildrenare(1)scared,(2)bored,or(3)both.

Whenmysonwaseighteenmonthsold,heclimbedoutofhiscribforthefirsttime.MywifeandIweresittinginthelivingroomofourtwo-flat,relaxingandthinkingthedaywasover,wheninwalkedthiscute littlekid,grinning fromear to ear, proudaspunch thathehadsingle-handedlyescapedfromhiscribforthefirsttimeinhislife.Asyoung parents, we interpreted this event as the end of the knownworld. We had visions of our little guy getting up at three in themorning,callinghisfriendsonthephone,roastingmarshmallowsonthegasstove,orworse.

Indesperation—andforgettingtemporarilythatIwassupposedtobe a clinical child psychologist—I found some scrap lumber andbailingtwineandbuiltupthesidesofhiscribaboutafoothigherallthewayaround.Thecontraptionworkedfortwonights.

On the thirdnightourboy figuredout away to scale even thesenewheightsandonceagainescape.Sowehadtocomeupwithanewplan.Trying to reasonwithaneighteen-month-oldwouldhavebeenuseless.Notonlythat,butnowoursonconsideredgettingoutofhiscrib an exciting challenge. Somywife and I decided that our onlychoicewastotrainhimtoremaininbed—oratleastinhisbedroom.

Weputachair in thedoor tohis room,andafterall thebedtime

prepwasdone,oneofus(wetookturns)justsatinthechair,facingintothehallway.Weleftthesideofhiscribdown,becauseputtingitup was now useless, and we turned on a floor fan for backgroundnoise.Wesaidnothingafterbedtime.Ifoursongotoutofbed,weputhimback.Afterawhilewe’dgiveuponputtinghimbackinbed,andhe’d just fall asleep on the floor. Then we’d cover him and leave,becauseifwetriedtopickhimup,he’dwakeup.

After a week or two, he started staying in his bed and going tosleep with no fuss. What a relief! He found our presence in thedoorwaycomforting,eventhoughweweren’ttalking.Inanotherweekorso,wenolongerhadtositinthere.Acoupleofmonthslater,ourlittleguygraduatedtoajuniorbed.

The strategy for handling kids getting out of bed is based on abasicpsychologicalprinciple:ifachildgetsoutofbedafterbedtime,the longer he stays up, the more reinforcement he gets for thisbehavior.Andthemorehewillwanttokeepgettingoutofbedinthefuture. The essential conclusion, therefore, is that you have to “cuthimoffatthepass”—thedoorwaytotheroom.ThistacticisnofunforMom orDad, but bedtime is not the time forwishful thinking.Bedtime is alsonot the time for ridiculous conversationswith littlekidsaboutwhytheyshouldstayinbed.

Caution

Never forget one very important fact: if a child won’t stay in bed at bedtime, thelonger he is up and the farther he gets from his bedroom, the more reinforcementhe will get from that activity. Your job? Cut him off at the pass.

Ifyouhaveachildwhoisolderthanfiveorsix,youmightbeabletousechartingtoencouragehimorhertostayinbed.Ifyouareusingchartingwithbedtime,however,youcannottellthechildrightawayhow he did, because if he does really well, he won’t be awake.Therefore,therewillbealongdelay—untilthenextmorning—beforehefindsouthowyouratedhim.Butchartingcanstillwork,sokeepitinmind.

Nighttime Waking

Somekidswakeupduringthenight,makealittlenoise,andgorightback to sleep. No problem! Other children may go through stageswhere they present themselves at your bedside in themiddle of thenightwithavaguerequestforassistance.Thiscansometimeshappenasmanyasadozenormoretimespernight.Bigproblem!

Nighttimeproblems are among the hardest to handle, because inthemiddleofthenightmostparentsaren’tquiteintheirrightminds—and neither are their kids. It can also be very aggravating to beawakened from a sound sleep, making it more difficult for you torespondappropriately.

Whenourdaughterwasseven,shewentthroughaphaseinwhichshewouldappearatourbedsideinthemiddleofthenight.Whenwewould ask what the problem was, she would say somethingnonsensical,suchas“Theelephantranaway.”Ofcourse,at2:00a.m.you’re not thinking clearly either, so we would respond withsomethingequallyridiculous,suchas“Well,wheredidhego?”ThesestrangeepisodeswentonforseveralmonthsuntilweworkedoutthenighttimewakingprocedurethatI’mabouttodescribe.

Followingareanumberofstepsthathaveprovedtobeeffectiveinresponding to nighttime episodes.When these steps are carried outconsistentlyandcalmly,mostkidswillgetbacktosleepingthroughthenightinafewweeks.Remember:ifevertherewasatimeforourNoTalkingandNoEmotionRules,it’sinthemiddleofthenight!

Steps for Dealing with Nighttime Waking

1. Accept some waking as normal. Treat periodic nighttimewaking as a temporary stage. This way of thinking will helpyoubelessupset.Ofcourse,iftheproblemhasbeengoingonfor the last four years, it’s not a temporary stage and youshouldtalktoyourpediatricianabouttheproblem.

2. Don’tgotothechild’sroomunlessyoumust.Whendoyouhavetogotothechild’sroomduringthenight?Ifsheisreallyupset orwon’t quiet down, you’d better check things out.Onthe other hand, many kids will make some noise, fuss for awhile,andthengobacktosleep.Givethemachancetodoso.

3. Notalkingandnoemotion.Thesecalmingrulesapplydoublyfor nighttime incidents, because talking and emotion—especially anger—wake everyone up. Have you ever tried tosleep when you’re furious? You can’t. In the middle of thenight, even asking a child what’s wrong is usually pointless,

because the child is groggy and can’t tell you much that’suseful.

4. Assume the child has to go to the bathroom. Your sonappears at your bedside at 2:30 a.m.,mumbling incoherently.Somebody is probably going to have to get up. This is aninteresting situation, one in which certain people could winAcademy Awards for sleeping performances. Dad’s snoringdeepens and the covers go over his head. Even though theydon’torcan’tsayit,manykidsareawakenedbytheneedtogotothebathroom.Butthey’resogroggytheycan’tverbalizethephysicalsensation.Sotrysteeringorcarryingthemtothetoiletandseewhathappens.

5. Begentleandquiet.Handleandguidechildren softlyasyoustaggerthroughthedark.Don’tpushthemaround,eventhoughyoumaybeirritated.Youwantthemtoremainsleepy.

6. Nolights! Lightswake up parents and children very quickly,whichthenmakesithardtogobacktosleep.Youreyesshouldbedark-adaptedinthemiddleofthenight,somovearoundasbestyoucaninthedark.

7. Don’t let the child sleep with you regularly. Sleepingtogether can become a habit that’s hard to break later on.Unfortunately, letting the child crawl in bed with you is theeasiest way to quiet him down immediately. In addition,stayinginbedcertainlyistempting,butyouwillpayforthesemoments of weakness in two ways. First, you will pay rightawayif thechildreallyhas togoto thebathroom,becausehewill remain squirmy.Second,youwill pay lateronwhenyoucannot get the child to return to his room without having atantrum.

Oneexceptiontothisruleisthis:ifthere’saterriblestormgoingonoutside,completewiththunderandlightning,itcanbebeneficial

toletthekidssleeponthefloornexttoyourbedwithsleepingbagsandpillows,becausethey’llappreciatethepsychologicalcomfort.Wehadthisdealwithourkidswhentheywerelittle.Duringanystormynight,withinforty-fivesecondsof thefirst thunderousbangoutside,our bedroom door would open and two small forms would appear.Eachhadasleepingbaginonehandandapillowintheother.Itwascute.Withoutsayingaword, thekidswouldplopdownon thefloorand immediately go back to sleep, suddenly oblivious to the storm.That’swhatparentsarefor.

Real-Life Bedtime Stories

Now,usingoursevennighttimesteps,let’sseeifwecanpersuadeafewkidstogobacktobed—andbacktosleep.

• Josh, age nine. Josh has been sleeping regularly through thenight. Tuesday night, however, he watched a scarymovie onTV. At 2:45 a.m. you hear a few short, anxious, anddisconnected sentences.Youwait for a fewminutes to see ifhe’ll awakenorgetup,butyoudon’tgo tohis room.After afewminuteshegoesbacktosleepandispeacefulfortherestofthenight.

• Rachel, age six. Rachel has been restless in bed for a fewconsecutivenights,but shehasn’tgottenupyet.OnThursdaynight,however,sheappearsatyourbedside,shakesyourarm,and says she’s scared.You say nothing, get up, put your armgentlyaroundhershoulder,andsteerhertothebathroom.Shesitsonthetoiletforawhilewithnolightson.Racheldoeshaveto go to the bathroom.When she’s finished, you guide yourdaughter gently back to bed, tuck her in, and give her a kiss.Youwaitforasecondbyherdoor,seethatshe’sfallingasleep,

andaftershe’squietforafewminutes,yougobacktobed.• Jim,agefour. Jimhasbeengettingup several timesanight.

Hewon’tgobacktobedbyhimselfandstartsmakingafussifyou tell him to. You can’t tell if he’s frightened or if it’ssomethingelse.Ifyoutakehimtohisroom,hecriesorstartsyellingwhenyou try to leave.Hesayshewants tosleepwithyou.Youknowhe’snotsick—hejusthadaphysical.

This situation is more difficult, obviously, than the first twoexamples.Youdon’twantJimtowakeeveryoneinthehouse,butyoudon’tliketheideaofgivingintohistestingeither.Whatshouldyoudo?

WhenJimappearsatyourbedside,youescorthimtothebathroomfirst—no lights, no talking.He does need to urinate.Then you takehim back to his room, put him in bed, and tuck him in.You knowhe’ll probably cry if you try to leave, so before he has a chance toevengetupset,getachair,parkyourselfbythebed,andwaituntilhegoesbacktosleep.Ifyou’vedonethemainthingsright—suchasnolights and no arguing—your son should still be somewhat sleepy.Though this routine is not fun, you soon find that the strategy isworking.Jimisgoingrightbacktosleep.

With some kids this proceduremust be repeated several times anight for several weeks before the child starts sleeping through, sobraceyourself.OfallthefamiliesI’veseeninmypractice,therecordfor the most times getting up in one night is seventeen! This caseinvolved a three-year-old girl, and we got her to sleep through thenightintwomonths.

Ifyouthinkyou’llhavetositbythebedaftertuckingyourchildbackinduringthenight,getyourchairreadybeforehand.Then,afteraweekor soofusing thisprocedure,gradually startpositioning thechairfartherfromthebed.

Nowlet’stakealookatReal-LifeStory3.InTheCaseofBedlam

atBedtime,you’llmeetalittlegirlwhowasdrivingherparentscrazyby not staying in bed. You’ll also see how the parents solve theproblem!

Real-LifeStory3

BEDTIME

Asyouarelearningin1-2-3Magic,abigpartofParentingJob2, encouraging good behavior, is establishing reasonable andconsistent routines. Kids domuch better when the things youwant them to accomplish—like eating supper and doinghomework—arecarriedouteachdayatthesametimeandprettymuchinthesameway.

Oneofthemostcriticaldailyroutinesisgettingthekidstobed—andgettingthemtostaythere.Messupthisjobandeveryonewillpaydearly,notonlyintheeveningbutthenextdayaswell.That’swhathappenedtous.Wehadtolearnthehardwayhowtodobedtimewithouryoungdaughter,butwhata reliefoncewefigureditout!

Here’sourstory…

IwasdraggingaroundthewholedaybecauseIwassotired.Mywifewashaving troubleatworkbecauseshewasso tired.Wewere constantly crabby with each other, and we dreaded theevening.Why?Ourdaughter,Lucy,wascuteasabutton,but…

Obviously,thisnighttimeroutinewasonethatwecouldn’tkeepupformuchlonger.Thefunnythingwasthatwealreadyhad1-2-3Magic,andwehadbeensuccessfullyusingcountingduringthe day with our daughter. But we didn’t see how countingwouldhelpuswithourlittlegirl’srefusingtostayinbed.

Guess what? Counting isnot supposed to be used for thisproblem.Countingismoreforcontrollingobnoxiousbehavior.Going tobedandstaying there isbasicallyapositivebehaviorthat has to be encouragedwith other tactics.Wherewouldwefindthosestrategies?

We had to finish reading1-2-3 Magic! We had been sodelightedwith the resultsof counting thatwehadn’tgoneanyfurther.Therewasaseparatechaptercalled“GoingtoBed—andStaying There!” Therewe learned theBasic BedtimeMethod.Firstwe had to pick a bedtime and stickwith it. Then, a half

hourbeforebedtime,wewouldinformLucythatitwastimetogetreadyforbed.Shehadtodoeverythingtogetreadyandthencheckinwithoneofus.Howevermuchtimewasleftinthehalfhour was story time or just one-on-one talking time. Then itwouldbelights-out.

What about her getting up all the time? Some kids keepgetting up because they don’twant the fun of the day to end.Othersgetupbecause they’rescared.The“cut themoffat thepass”procedurewouldtakecareofeitherpossibility.

18

MANAGING YOUR EXPECTATIONS

What You Can Expect from Your Child, andWhen

AT THIS POINT WE’VEcoveredbothStopandStartbehavior,butthereisanotherunderlyingissue.Whencanyourealisticallyexpect(atwhatages?)kids topotty train, clean their rooms, sit still, or finish theirdinner? Lots and lots of parent-child conflict is caused not by kidsmisbehaving, but by parents not knowing exactly when they canexpectwhatfromtheirchildren.Inotherwords,weparentsoftengetimpatient and expect too much too soon. When erroneousexpectationsareoperatinginaparent’sbrain,troublefollows.

Your kids are little. Both their bodiesand their brains are stillgrowing.Nomatterwhatyourchildisdoing,hisbrainisworkingtocreate tons of new learning pathways and processing three timesharder than an adult’s. Ages birth to five are the times when the

greatestamountofnewlearningandbrainconnectingtakesplace.Soit’simportanttoberealisticandnotsetyourselfandyourkids

up for conflict. The following is a list of our “Dirty Dozen”1—thetwelvemistakenparentalexpectationsthatcausethemosttrouble.Befair to yourself and your kids by memorizing these developmentalmilestones.Thereareplentymore.Two-year-oldsdon’treadnovels!

A Breakdown of the Dirty Dozen

1. Tantrums

Erroneous Expectation: Parents see kids’ tantrums as unjustified,unnecessary,mean,exaggerated,andasuresignofmentaldisorder.

TheReality:About20percentof two-tothree-year-oldshavedailytantrums, and meltdowns are equally common in boys and girls.Tantrums occur frequently in normal children aged about eighteenmonthsthroughfiveyears.Meltdownsareonewaykidsexpresstheirfrustrationwithnotgettingwhat theywantorwithbeing told todosomethingtheydon’twanttodo.Kidsaremorepronetomeltdownswhenfrustrated,tired,orsick.

What to Do: If your child has made a request for an item or anactivity,beawarethatyoumaysoonbedealingwithatantrum.Givethemwhat theywant ifyoucan,but ifyoucan’t, finalizeyourvetoquicklyandstoptalking!Talkingtoatantrumingchildislikepouringgasolineonafire.Ifthechildissafe,letthemeltdowntakeitscourseanddonotinteract.Begentle,forgettheepisode,andgoonwithyourlife!

2. They don’t listen!

ErroneousExpectation:Parentsexpectkidstolistenandrespondthefirsttimeaparentmakesarequest.

TheReality: Kids of all ages have trouble hearing and reacting toparentalrequests.Theirmindsarelegitimatelybusywithotherthings.The younger kids are, themore difficulty they have tuning out theotherthingsintheirheadandfocusingonyouragenda!

WhattoDo:Parentsmaketwokindsofrequestsoftheirchildren—for Stop behavior and for Start behavior. Use your Start behaviortactics tosetuproutines.Thesestrategieshelpstop thenoise insidekids’ heads and help them to begin the requested behavior. Stopbehavior also requires a brain rebooting of sorts. For obnoxiousbehavior,1-2-3Magicsuggestscounting.

3. Sibling rivalry

ErroneousExpectation: Parents expect children to get along at alltimeswithoutadultintervention.

TheReality:Allsiblingsfight.Siblingsthreethroughsevenyearsoldfightaboutthreetofourtimesperhour.Youngerkidscanfightuptosixtimesperhour—onceeverytenminutes.Ten-tofifteen-year-oldshave the highest rate of sibling rivalry. More than 75 percent ofchildren have had physical fights with their siblings. Boys tend tofightmorephysically,girlsmoreemotionally.

WhattoDo:Wheneverpossible,don’tget involved,unless there isrisk of physical or emotional damage. If things are getting out ofhand,usethe1-2-3Magicstrategyofcountingbothchildren.(Ittakestwo to fight.) To help prevent sibling conflicts, try to ensure thatchildren get approximately equal time with each parent by

themselves.

4. Leaving anywhere!

ErroneousExpectation: Parents expect their children to be able tomove—easily, quickly, and when asked the first time—from oneactivityorlocationtoanother.

TheReality:When they are doing something fun,all childrenhavesignificant troubleswitchingtoanewactivity.Two-andthree-year-oldsarenotoriouslybadatchangingplaces!Childrenmustfirststopthefunthingtheyaredoing,thenshifttheirattentiontowherethey’regoing,thencontroltheirdisappointmentandmove.Children’sbrainsareworkingonthesetransitionskillsfrombirthall thewaythroughtheearlytwenties.

WhattoDo:Bepreparedforresistance!Transitionsarehardforyourkids.Usesequentialwarningsandyour1-2-3Magictimer.Giveyourchild a two-minute, a one-minute, and then a thirty-secondwarningthatitistimetostopataskortimetoleave.Ifwarningsdonothelp,stoptalkingandsimplyescortorcarrythechildtothenextplaceoractivity(andrereadthefirstsectiononTantrums!).

5. Potty training

ErroneousExpectation:Parentsexpect theirchildren tobecapableofpeeingandpoopingonthetoiletattwoyearsofage.

The Reality: The percentage of two-year-olds who have beensuccessfully potty trained is about four percent.Only 60 percent ofchildren have achieved mastery of the toilet by thirty-six months.Fifty-twopercentofchildrenaredryduringthedayatagethree,and

93percentaredryattheageoffour.Theaverageageforbeingdryatnightisaboutfouryears.Poopingsuccesstendstocomeafterpeeingsuccess. In general, boys potty train later than girls, and daytimedrynessalmostalwayscomesbeforenighttimedryness.

WhattoDo:Lookforreadinesssigns inyourchild.Signsforpottyreadinessincludeinterestinthetoilet,randomlypeeinginthetoilet,being consistently dry between changings, andmore often than notgoingtothepottyatchangingtime.Donotcontinuetoask,“Doyouhave to go potty?” if the child repeatedly denies the urge. Instead,afterthechildshowsthesignsofreadiness,putthechildonthepotatregularintervalsduringthedayandpraisehimifhegoes.

6. Day care drop-off

Erroneous Expectation: Parents expect their children to easilyseparatefromthemwhenthechildrenaredroppedoffatschoolordaycare.

TheReality:Itiscommonforchildrenageseighttofourteenmonthsto experience difficulty separating from their parents. Believe it ornot,yourchildren’scryingortantrumingwhenyoutrytodropthemoff at day care or elsewhere may be a good sign that they have astrongrelationshipwithyou.Kidscanalsogothroughphaseswheretheyappear“clingy,”butbyagesixtheyshouldseparatecomfortablyfromyou.

WhattoDo:Prepareyourchildforthedrop-offbymakinghimfeelmore in control of the morning events or give him something tocomfort him during the day, such as a family picture or a specialblanket.ThenbecomeMasteroftheQuickExit.Kissthekidsgood-bye,tellthemwhenyou’llseethemagain,andgetoutofthere!Call

daycarefromworkandaskhowlongittookyourchildtocalmdown.

7. Naps

Erroneous Expectation: Parents would like their children to takeone-totwo-hourafternoonnapsuntiltheageoftenoreleven!

TheReality:About 60 percent of children stop daily naps by agethree;80percent stopbyage five.As theygetolder, children sleeplonger at night and lessduring theday.Youwill seemore sleepingduringthedayaschildrengothroughgrowthspurts,getsick,orareworkinghardphysicallyorcognitively.

WhattoDo:First,ensureagoodnapenvironmentwithacalm-downroutineandadarkandquietroom.Beconsistentinyourapproachtonap time. Nap schedules are different for every child, so look forsignsoffatigue.Asyourchildgetsolder,insteadofrequiringthathefallsleep,askyourchildtospendquiettimeinhisroom.Ifhe’stired,hewillsleep.Ifnot,hewillrelaxandregroup.

8. Lying

ErroneousExpectation: Parents expect kids of all ages to tell thetruthatalltimes.

TheReality: Just about everybody—kids and adults—lies at sometimeoranother.Someresearchindicatesthat20percentoftwo-year-oldslie,aswellas50percentofthree-year-olds,90percentoffour-year-olds, and 70 percent of sixteen-year-olds. The increasingpercentages in the preschool crowd reflect a positive thing—increasingintellectualcapacity!Themostcommonreasonforlyingistocoverupmistakesormisbehavior.

What to Do: Don’t treat lying as if it were a great crime. If youalreadyknowthatachilddidsomethingwrong,don’t“corner”himbyaskingquestionswhenyoualreadyknow theanswers to see ifhe isgoingtotellthetruth.Gentlypunishyourchildforlyingifnecessary.Mostimportant,ifachildregularlyliesaboutaproblembehavior(forexample, not completing homework), fix the basic problem and thechildwillnolongerfeelcompelledtolieaboutit.

9. Cleaning room and picking up

ErroneousExpectation: Parents expect their children to be able toimmediatelyfollowthroughwiththeinstruction“cleanyourroom”or“pickupyourstuff.”

TheReality:Allchildrenlikemakingamess,butfewchildrenofanyage likepickingup.Typicallydevelopingpreschoolers cannot cleantheir roomswithout supervision and praise.By grades two to three,childrencanstraightentheirroom(withspecific instructionsgiven),aswellasrunerrandsorcompletesimplechores.Byagesix,childrencan complete chores up to twentyminutes in length and clean theirroomafterarequest.

WhattoDo: For childrenunder the age of four,model appropriatechore completion by doing the task alongside your child at first.Provideavisuallistofwhatyou’dlikedone(likea1-2-3Magicchartor a series of simple pictures) and praise the child’saccomplishments. For older children, consider the weekly cleanuproutine,thegarbagebagmethod,orthedockingsystem.

10. Dinnertime: Sitting and eating

ErroneousExpectation:Parentsexpect theirchildrenofallages to

sitatthetable,eatalloftheirdinnerbeforedessert,andthenasktobeexcused.

TheReality:Surprisingly,sittingatthedinnertableactuallyrequiresalotofmentaleffortforkids!Ifthey’rehungry,mostchildrencansitstillandeat.Ifthey’renothungry,our“three-minutes-per-yearrule”kicks in. Two-year-oldswho are fullwill sit for about sixminutes,three-year-oldsforaboutnineminutes,andfive-year-oldsforfifteenminutes.Somedayschildrenwilleat tonsandotherdaysnotmuch,dependingontheamountofenergythey’veused.

WhattoDo:Use1-2-3Magicstrategiesfordinnertime.Keepportionsizesmodest.Allow the little ones to say they’re full and leave thetable.Ifachildisfullanddeclinesdessert,that’sOK!Youcanalsoconsiderremovingdessertorofferingonlyhealthyoptionsduringtheweek. Finally, makemealtime fun! Play a guessing game, let yourchildhelppreparefood,andofferchoicesofutensils!

11. Homework

ErroneousExpectation:Parents expect childrenof all ages to startandcompletehomeworkindependently.

The Reality: Six- to seven-year-olds can do about ten minutes ofunsupervised homework.A useful expectation is to add roughly tenminutesofhomework for eachadditionalyear.Research shows thatchildren whose parents help with homework feel better aboutthemselvesandhavebetterrelationshipswiththeirteachers!

WhattoDo:Maintain an afternoonhomework routine at a specificplace and time.Allow your child to choose the order in which hecompleteshomework.Considerusingyour1-2-3Magiccharting for

homework. Include one point for no complaining and one point forstarting on their ownwithout being reminded. Show interest in thekids’assignments.

12. Going to bed and staying there

ErroneousExpectation:Parentsexpecttheirkidstobeabletogettosleepandstayasleepbythemselves.

TheReality:Adequate sleepdeeplyaffectschildren’sdevelopment,emotions, attention, and school performance. Generally, childrenunder fivewill not be able to bothget themselves to bed andgo tosleep on their own. Preschoolers often find going to bedsimultaneouslyboringandfrightening.

WhattoDo:Twentytothirtyminutesofyourtimewillberequiredper night to help little ones through a consistent, reassuring, calm-down ritual. Determine a bedtime by consulting a “typical sleeprequirementsforvariousagegroups”chart,thencalculatebackwardsfromthetimethechildrenhavetogetupinthemorning.Usethe1-2-3MagicBasicBedtimeMethodand“cutthemoffatthepass”whennecessary.

CHAPTERSUMMARYThischapterisabitliketheLittleAdultAssumption,isn’tit?Ifyouunderstandwhatkidsarecapableofatdifferentages,you’relesslikelyto,ontheonehand,thinkthekidsareouttogetyou!Ontheotherhand,understandingwhat’snormalletsyouknowthekid’sbehaviorisnotyourfault.Gentlytrainandhelpyourlittleonestomasternewbehaviorsandself-control.

1. The Dirty Dozen: Faulty Parental Expectations was coauthored by Dr. Sarah LevinAllen,PediatricNeuropsychologist,Philadelphia,PA.

PART V

Strengthening Your Relationships withYour Children

ParentingJob3CHAPTER 19

Sympathetic Listening

CHAPTER 20The Dangers of Over-Parenting

CHAPTER 21Real Magic: One-on-One Fun

CHAPTER 22Solving Problems Together

19

SYMPATHETIC LISTENING

Why It’s Important to Hear What Your ChildrenHave to Say

NOW WE TURN OURattentionto thefinalparentingjob,strengtheningyour relationship with your children. Some people call this“bonding.” If you bondwellwith your kids, the first two parentingjobs become easier. If you do the first two parenting jobs well,bonding will occur naturally.We’ll discuss the two most powerfulrelationship-strengthening tactics—sympathetic listening and sharedone-on-onefun—inthenexttwochapters.

Be a Good Listener

Your childrenwill frequently surprise youwith some of the thingstheysay,andyourfirstimpulseoftenmaybetoreactnegatively.For

example,yourten-year-oldson,Tom,comesrunninginthedoorafterschoolyelling,“Mymusicteacher’sanidiot!”Whatshouldyoudo?Youmay feel like saying, “That’s noway to talk!”You could startcounting—afterall,theboyisscreaming.

Butthinkforasecond.Heisnotscreamingatyou,andheisupsetaboutsomethingandyoudon’tknowwhat it is.Yourpriority?Findoutwhathappenedandgivethechildsomesupport.Beingangryisnocrime,andhisoutburstcouldn’tbetestingandmanipulation,becauseyou didn’t do anything to frustrate him. Here is a time for somesympatheticlistening.Theconversationmightgosomethinglikethis:

Tom:“Mymusicteacher’sanidiot!”Mom:“Tellmewhathappened.”Tom: “Shemademesing in frontof thewhole stupidclass,and

onlyoneotherkidhadtodoit.Allmyfriendswerelaughingatme!”Mom:“Whatdidshemakeyousing?”Tom:“Idon’tknow,somejerkhymnorsomething.”Mom:“Thatmusthavebeenawfullyembarrassing.”Tom:“I’mgoingtoflunkherclass—onpurpose!”Mom: “Boy, I haven’t seen you this mad for a while! So what

happenedwhenyouhadtosing?”Tom: “She makes me stand in the front of the room, then she

playsher idiotpiano, and Idon’t evenknow thewords! I could seeDavewasgigglingandtryingnottolaugh.I’dliketoseehimdoit!”

Mom: “Soyou thought itwasn’t right forher tomakeyoudo itwhennooneelsehadto.”

Tom: “Yeah.Why are they picking onme all the time?What atotallyignorantschool.”(Tomleavestogetasnack.)

Sympathetic listening is a way of talking to someone withsympathy or empathy. (The distinction between the two isn’timportant here.) Listening is very respectful of another person’sthoughts and feelings, because the listener doesn’t just sit there butinsteadattemptstoseetheworldthroughtheotherperson’seyes.

Whenyouarelisteningtoyourchild,youare—likeTom’smother—forgettingyourownopinionsforawhile,suspendingjudgment,andcommittingyourselftocompletelyunderstandinghowthechildsawaparticular situation. (You don’t have to agree with him.) In ourexample,Momisnotassumingthathersonisbeingdisrespectfulorthathecausedthetrouble.Norissheformulatingherownresponse.

Therefore,sympatheticlisteningshouldbedonetoaccomplishtwothings:(1) tounderstandwhatanotherpersonissayingandthinking—from his or her point of view, and (2) to communicate back andcheck that understanding with the person doing the talking. Thelistenerisanactiveparticipantintheconversation,notsomeonewhojustsitsandnodsfromtimetotime(althoughthat’snotsobadeitherwhenyou’retotallybeat!).

QuikTip

Sympathetic listening is very respectful of your child’s thoughts and feelings. Butlistening isn’t easy—you have to learn to keep your own opinions to yourself for awhile!

Sympathetic listening is not easy for parents.Once you get pastthepointoffeelingartificialorpassive,however,youcansometimespleasantly surprise your children with your willingness to listen totheir concerns and hear their side of the story. Listening is an

excellentway to begin any lengthy, serious conversation, andbeingrespectfullylistenedtoisagreatself-esteembuilderforkids.

How Do You Do Sympathetic Listening?

Thereareseveralstepstosympatheticlistening.First,youhavetogetyourselfintheproperframeofmind:“I’mgoingtohearthiskidout—even if it kills me—and find out exactly what he thinks.” Thenseveral different approaches can be used, and once you get used tothem, the whole process should feel very natural. Your listeningstrategies include openers, nonjudgmental questions, reflectingfeelings,andchecksorsummaries.

OpenersYou can start with what are called “openers”—brief comments orquestions designed to elicit further information from your child.Thesecommentsoftenrequireself-controlandareespeciallydifficultwhenyouarecaughtoffguard.Openersmayalsoappear incrediblypassivetoyou,butrememberthatparentallisteningmustprecedeanyproblem-solvingdiscussion.Ifdisciplineorotheractionisnecessary,worryaboutthatafteryou’vegottenthefacts.

Openers can be very simple, such as “Oh?” “Wow!” “Yeah” or“What?”Anopenercanbeanything thatcommunicates thatyouareready and willing to listen sympathetically, including nonverbalbehavior, suchassittingdownnext to thechildorputtingdown thepaper to look at him. In the example,Mom’s openerwas “Tellmewhathappened.”

Nonjudgmental QuestionsAfter openers, questions are often necessary to further yourunderstandingofwhatachildistalkingabout.Tobeeffective,these

questions must not be loaded or judgmental. “Why did you do astupid thing like that?” “What’syourproblem today?”or “Whyareyou bugging me now about this?” are not good questions. Thesecommentswillinspireargumentsorsilence.

Here are some better questions that continue the discussion andfurther understanding: “What do you think made you do that?” or“Whatwas going through yourmind at the time?” In our example,Mom askedTom, “Sowhat happenedwhen you had to sing?”Thatwasagoodquestion.

Reflecting FeelingsAthirdsympatheticlisteningstrategyiscalled“reflectingfeelings.”Ifyouaregoingto tellsomeone thatyou thinkyouunderstandhim,trytolethimknowthatyoucanimaginehowhemusthavefeltunderthecircumstances.Sometimes,whenyou reflect feelings,olderkidswilltellyouthatyousoundabitlikeashrink.Ifthat’sthecase,justsay,“Sorry,butI’mjusttryingtomakesureIunderstandwhatyou’retalkingabout.”

In the example, Mom reflected Tom’s feelings at two points:“Thatmusthavebeenawfullyembarrassing”and“Boy,Ihaven’tseenyou this mad for a while!” Other examples of reflecting feelingsmight include: “You really sound bummed out about that,” “Thatmusthavereallybeenfun!”or“Youwereprettyupsetwithme.”

The process of reflecting feelings accomplishes several things.First,itletsthechildknowthatwhatheisfeelingisOK.(It’swhathemaydo about it that can be right orwrong.) Second, the reflectingresponse reinforces self-esteem and independence. And third,reflecting feelings also helps diffuse negative emotions so they arenotactedoutsomewhereelse.YoucanbetthatifTom’smotherhadfirst said, “That’s no way to talk about your teachers!” his angerwouldhavebeenredirectedatherimmediately.

Checks or SummariesFromtimetotimeduringatalk,itishelpfultocheckoutwhetherornot you are really getting a good idea ofwhat your child is saying.Giving short summaries now and then ofwhat your child is tellingyou lets himknow that you’re really listening and trying to see theworldforamomentthroughhiseyes.

Examplesofchecksorsummariesmightbe:“Sounds likeyou’resaying that our rules for chores favor your sister,” “You felt itwasyourworstdayatschool thisyear,”or“YouwishIweren’tgonesomuchsowecoulddomoretogether?”Intheexampleabove,Mom’ssummarywasthis:“Soyouthoughtitwasn’tveryfairforhertomakeyou do it when no one else had to.” That was a nice, sympatheticcomment.

QuikTip

Listening is a skill, but it’s also an attitude—on your part. You’ll learn a lot aboutwhat your kids think about life. Better start listening now, because you’redefinitely going to want to know what your kids are thinking when they’reteenagers!

Goodlisteningisacommunicationskill,butit isalsoanattitude—yourattitude,notyourchild’s. It’s theattitudeofsincerely tryingtofigureoutwhatsomeoneelse is thinkingeven ifyoudon’tagree.This,ofcourse, isadifferentkindof job ifyou’re talking toa two-year-oldoraten-year-old.You’llalsofindthatifyoulistenwell,you

learnalotaboutwhatyourchildrenthinkaboutlife.That’simportantas you monitor their psychological and emotional growth. Startlisteningnow,becauseyou’llcertainlywanttostayintouchwithyourkidswhenthey’reteens!

Sympathetic Listening and Counting

Solisteninghelpsyou tounderstandyourchildrenandalsohelps todiffusenegativeemotions.That’sfine,butifyoulistenedallthetime,youwouldn’t be any kind of a disciplinarian. Sympathetic listeningbyitselfhasverylittletodowithsettinglimitsandenforcingrules.Imaginethisscene:

Son:“Mom—youidiot!MybestT-shirt’sstillinthewash!”Mother:“You’refeelingprettyfrustratedwithme.”

Caution

1. You are a good listener if, while your child is talking, you are sincerely tryingto understand what he is saying.

2. You are a bad listener if, while your child is talking, you are preparing yourrebuttal.

This parent’s response is inappropriate. The child’s disrespect isway out of proportion to the situation and should be confronted,probablybycounting.

On theotherhand, ifyoucountedall the timewhenever thekidswereupset,youwouldn’tbeaveryunderstandingparent.Yourkidswouldcorrectlyperceiveyouasonlyaninstrumentofdiscipline—orworse.

Imaginethissummertimescenario:“I’mbored.”“That’s1.”That’s a pretty insensitive and unnecessary response.Your kids

certainly won’t want to talk to you very often! So how is a parentsupposedtoknowwhentolistenandwhentocount?Sometimesthisdecision is easy, but often it’s not. Our general guideline is this:discussproblems,countattacks.

Discuss ProblemsWhenachildisupsetaboutsomethingbutnotbeingdisrespectfultoyou, it’s time to listen anddiscuss theproblem. “Mom,mybestT-shirt’sstillinthewash”mightleadtoapracticaldiscussionofwhattodoabouttheclothingshortage.

Ortrythis.Inthecaronthewaytosoccerpractice,youreleven-year-oldsonsays,“Ourfamilyissoboring.”Youmightwanttosay,“You’re not so hot yourself.” Wrong. You should listen and besympathetic. “I’venever heardyou say that before.What’s onyourmind?”isbetter.

Some children’s commentsmay give you pause, but they’re notreally attacks. If a parent uses a little active listening, the emotionmaybediffused:

“Whyareyoumakingmedothisstupidhomeworknow?”“Homework’sarealbummer,isn’tit?”(Reflectingfeeling)“Oh,brother.”(Childstartshishomeworkwithasigh.)Happyendingforparent;semi-happyendingforkid.

Count Attacks

“Mom—youidiot—mybestT-shirt’sstill in thewash!” isanattackfromthestart,andmanyparentswouldgivean immediate3for the“idiot”remark.

Sometimeslisteningdoesn’tworkaswellasyou’dlike.Keepthe1-2-3strategyreadyinyourbackpocket.Thehomeworkconversationmighthavegonelikethis:

“Whyareyoumakingmedothisstupidhomeworknow?”“Homework’sarealbummer,isn’tit?”(Reflecting)“Yeah,Ihateit!”“Boy,youreallydon’tlikeit,doyou?”(Reflecting)“IcouldberollerbladingwithJason.”“You’dreallyprefertobeoutsideplaying.”(Summary)“Don’tjustsaybackeverythingIsay!”“That’s1.”

Real-LifeStory4

SYMPATHETICLISTENING

AbigpieceofParentingJob3,strengtheningyourrelationshipswith your children, is listening towhat your kids have to say.Youwant to be a good listenerwhen your children are happyand excited, but it’s also important to be there for themwhenthey’refrustrated,sad,orupset.

Unfortunately, sympathetic listening is easier to describethanitistodo.Sometimeswedon’thavethetimetolisten.Atother times,we simplydon’t remember to take the timewhenwereallycould.

InourReal-LifeStory4,TheCaseoftheFickleFriends,youwill see me mishandle a situation in which my son wastemporarilyupsetwithsomeofhisneighborhoodbuddies.IntheportionofthestorycalledtheWrongWay,you’llseemebeinga lousy listener. InThinkingItThrough,we’ll take a lookatwhatImessedup.Thenwe’llgiveyouachancetoevaluateyourownlisteningskillswithyourkids.

Finally,theRightWaysectionofournarrativewillgivemea chance to undo my mistake—an opportunity that doesn’talwayshappeninreallife!

When my wife and I got our first house, we were thrilled todeath.Notonlydidwehaveourownyard,butourkidswouldalso have neighborhood friends to play with.What wasn’t sothrilling, however, was our introduction to the new andunfamiliarworldofplaytimepolitics.

WRONG WAY

THINKING IT THROUGH

RIGHT WAY

CHAPTERSUMMARYSympathetic listening is a wonderful parental activity for severalreasons.First, it’sa reallynice thing todo foryourkids.Second, itmakesyouasafehaven foryourchildren—someone they’llwant toturntowhenthey’reupset.Andfinally,goodlisteningskillsonyourpartmean that youwill stay in touchwith your kids’ thoughts andfeelings.Adolescenceisnotfaroff!

20

THE DANGERS OF OVER-PARENTING

Knowing When to Let Your Kids Think forThemselves

ANOTHER GOOD WAY TO strengthenarelationshipistoavoidwhatwecall over-parenting. Over-parenting consists of unnecessarycorrective,cautionary,ordisciplinarycomments,andcanresult inaparentforcingunnecessarycommentsdownakid’sthroat,makingthechild feel aggravated and put down. While sympathetic listeningencourages independence, over-parenting discourages it. Parentsquawks,kid“listens.”

Awhileback,Iwasinagrocerystorestandinginfrontofthedairycase.AsIwastryingtodecidewhichkindofmilktobuy,Inoticedamotherwith her daughter, about nine years old,whowas pushing acartandcomingaround thecorner towardme.As theycamecloser,

themother said loudlyandanxiously, “Nowwatchout for thatmanoverthere!”

I’manaverage-sizedguy;therewasnowaythisgirlwasnotgoingto seeme.Even if shehadbeen traveling at 40milesperhour, shewouldstillhavehadplentyofroomtostopbeforebreakingmylegs.Mom’scommentwasanexampleofover-parenting.

Adults who over-parent usually do it repeatedly, and over-parenting has predictable, negative effects on children. The firstnegativereactioniswhatwecall the“AnxiousParent,AngryChild”syndrome.Continually expressingunnecessaryworries aboutkidstothe kids irritates the children because it insults them. The parent’sbasicmessage is this: “I have toworry about you somuchbecauseyou’re incompetent. There’s not much you can do on your ownwithoutmysupervisionanddirection.”Nochildlikestobeputdown,and over-parenting is definitely a put-down. Over-parentingcommentscanbeunnecessaryforseveralreasons:

1. The child already has the skill necessary to manage thesituation.Example:thelittlegirlinmygrocery-storestory.

2. Even if the child doesn’t have all the necessary skills tomanage thesituation, itwouldbepreferable forhimorher tolearn by direct experience. When we moved into our firsthouse, the kids were about two and four. I’d watch themplayingoutsidewithotherchildren,andeveryfiveminutesorso I’d see some kind of dispute that I thought needed myintervention.ThenonedaymywifeaskedmehowIthoughtthekidssurvivedalldaywhileIwasatwork.Noeyespokedout,no broken arms, no deaths. That shut me up. I’d been over-parentingthewholeneighborhood.

3. The issue is not important enough to warrant parentintervention.Forexample,MikeandJimmyareoutinthefrontyardplayingcatchwithabaseball.Jimmy’sdadiswashingthe

car in the drivewaywhile the neighbor,Mr. Smith, is cuttinghis grass next door.Mikemisses Jimmy’s throw and the ballrolls over towardMr. Smith, who smiles and tosses it back.Dadtellsthetwoboystheywillhavetogosomewhereelseorstopplayingcatch.ShouldDadhavekeptquiet?Yes,heshouldhave.LetthetwoladsworkitoutwithMr.Smith,ifnecessary.The boys were having innocent, constructive fun, and Mr.Smithprobablyenjoyedtryingouthisoldpitchingarmagain!

Youcertainlywantyourkidstocomplywithyourhouserules,butas the years go by, you want something else from them more andmore:independence.Your childrenhave to leaveyou someday, andyou must help them get ready for that huge event. Being a goodlistenerandavoidingover-parentingaregreatwaystohelpyourkidsprepareforadulthood.

Independence and Self-Esteem

Youare lookingfor twobig thingsfromyourchildrenas theygrowup. One is for them to cooperate—comply with the rules, limitobnoxiousbehavior,anddowhatthey’resupposedtodo.

Butanotherequallyimportanttraityouwantfromthem—believeit or not—is independence. Fromwhom? From you!Your kids aregoingtoleavehomesomeday,andwhentheydo,youwantthemtobeable to think for themselves,make theirowndecisions,andmanagetheirownlives.

Growing autonomy contributes in a big way to children’s self-esteem. And children seek out—and push for—independence veryassertively, as any parent of a two-year-old knows! By directlylimiting,undermining,orevenattackingachild’spowerfuldriveforautonomy, unwitting moms and dads will put a huge dent in their

child’semergingself-esteem.

CHAPTERSUMMARYToo often over-parenting is simply an anxious, knee-jerk responsefrom a parent. Kids can get really tired of feeling insulted. Beforeopeningyourmouth,dosomebrutallyhonestreflectiononwhetherornotyouropinionisreallyneeded.

21

REAL MAGIC: ONE-ON-ONE FUN

The Best Thing You Can Do for Your Kids

SHOW ME ANY TWOpeoplewhohavefuntogetherfrequently,andI’llshowyouagoodrelationship.Sharedfunprovidesnecessarynutritionfor a personal relationship.Whether they are young or old, peoplewho have regular fun together tend to like each other. For manyfamilies these days, however, this much-needed one-on-oneenjoyment gets put on the back burner because of the unfortunatefocusontwothings:workandwhole-familyactivities.

Work, Work, Work

Do you remember how you gotmarried?Most of us started out bydating another person. By and large, thatmeant having fun.Datingwas going to the movies, eating at restaurants, endless getting-to-know-you talks, travel, shopping, parties with friends, and a wholehostofotheractivities.

Then we went on to make what was perhaps one of the mostillogical decisions of our entire existence.We reasoned as follows:Thinkofall the funwe’rehavingnow,andwe’renotevenmarried.We’re only togetherhalf of the time. Once we’re togetherall thetime,ourgoodtimeswilldouble!

That’s what we believed.What was illogical about that thoughthad to do with the fact that getting married is fundamentally adecisiontoworktogether.Nowwe’llplanthewedding,nowwe’llgetjobs, now we’ll have a baby, now we’ll buy a condo, now we’lldecorate the condo. The former fun got subordinated to work.Gradually you realized your relationshipwas gettingmore strained,andyou lookedatyour spouseonedayand thought: “You’renotasmuchfunasyouusedtobe.”

QuikTip

To like your kids you must enjoy them regularly. And for them to respond well toyour discipline, they must enjoy and like you too. That means only one thing:you’d better find regular time to play with your children!

Inthelongrun,ofcourse,marriageisamixtureofworkandplay.Thesuccessfulcouplesaretheoneswhocanfindthehappybalance.But sincework fills our time so naturally and aggressively, findingthat balance really boils down to maintaining sufficient time forshared fun. If you askedmewhat’smore important in a long-termrelationship,communicationorsharedfun,Iwouldanswer“Fun.”

Thesame is true inyour relationshipwitheachofyourchildren.To like your kids, youmust enjoy them regularly.And for them torespondpositivelytoyourdiscipline,theyshouldenjoyandlikeyou.Yes,thereisworktobedone,butitisabsolutelycriticalthatyoufindtimetoplay.

Unfortunately, in the hustle and bustle of everyday existence,manyofthedailyencountersbetweenparentandchildgosomethinglikethis:

“Timetogetup.”“Here’syourbreakfast.NoTVuntilyou’redone.”“Gotyourbookbag?”“Youdon’thavetimetoplaywiththedog.”“Comeonnow,we’reinahurry!”“Don’tforgetyourcoat.”“Loveyou,good-bye.”Theparentseesthechildasabundleofunpleasanttasks,andthe

child sees the parent as a bundle of unpleasant directions.Norelationshipwill remainhealthywhen thiskindof interaction is theonlyfeedingitgets.

The Problem with the Focus on Whole-FamilyActivities

Braceyourselfforsomebadnews:familyfuntodayiswayoverrated.We consistently hear, for example, that eating dinner as a family

every night is a surefire way of preventing crime, drug abuse,academicunderachievement,teenagepregnancy,andabunchofothersocialchallenges.

But sometimes going out with the whole crew is not all it’scrackedup tobefor threereasons.Thefirst issiblingrivalry.MomandDad are at the beach, for instance. Their six-year-old son sayssomethingrudetohiseight-year-oldsister,whothrowsherhotdogatherbrother,wholaughsasitmissesandgetsfullofsand.Nowbothkidsarescreamingateachother,andeveryoneonthebeachisstaring.Thatisn’tfun.

Thesecondreasonfunwiththeentirefamilydoesn’talwaysworkis because themore people you put together in the same place, thegreater the chance for differences of opinion and conflict.At 9:30a.m.on the seconddayof their familyvacation, for example,MarkwantstogotoCreatureCastle,Cynthiawantstogotothepool,Momwants tohave a leisurely cupof coffee, andDadwants to jog threemiles.

Thefinalreasonfamilyfunisoverratedisbecausethebestparent-child bonding occurs in one-on-one parent-child interactions.Children cherish alone time with a mother or father, without thepresence of their greatest rivals—their siblings.They open up, theyfeelfree,andtheykindofblossom.Itwouldbeashametorarely—ornever—experience that kind of bonding with each of your childrenindividually.

Play with Your Child

It’s very important, therefore, to take your kids, one at a time, andregularly do something you both like. It’s more peaceful becausethere’s no fighting between siblings, and coordinating differentagendas is no problem because there are only two agendas to

coordinate.The possibilities for shared one-on-one fun are endless. Many

parentsI’veworkedwithovertheyearsliketotakeonechildouttodinneronaschoolnightwhileeveryoneelsestayshome.Goingtoamovie,shopping,bikeriding,or justgoingoutforadriveinthecararealsopositiveactivitiestodotogether.Oneofthenicethingsaboutgettingout of thehouse is that noone can interrupt you.Yourkidswillalsolikeitifyouturnoffyourcellphonewhileyou’reoutwiththem.

One-on-one fun, though, does not have to entail going out, nordoesithavetoinvolvespendingmoney.Sharedfuncancomeinlittlebits and pieces during the day.Moments of fun can be shared andenjoyed when you are talking, listening, expressing affection, ortellingjokes.Mostchildrenlovebeingabletostayuptwentyminuteslater on a school night everynowand then to do something specialwithMomorDad.Thatsomethingmightbereading,justtalkingor—heaven forbid!—teaching a naive and inexperienced parent how toplayavideogame.

Themoralof thischapter?Byallmeans,do things togetherwiththe entire family, but make sure those times are as enjoyable aspossible.Ifwhole-familyactivitiesareusuallymiserableexperiences,fix them! But whatever you do about whole-family fun, make sureyourdaysandweeksincluderegularone-on-onefunwitheachofyourchildren.

CHAPTERSUMMARYOne-on-OneTimeThe best parent-child bonding occurs during one-on-one fun times.Why? For the kids, they have you all to themselves!And for you,there’s absolutely no chance for sibling rivalry. Now there’s aformulaforsuccess!

22

SOLVING PROBLEMS TOGETHER

Why It’s Better to Work as a Team

WHEN YOUR CHILDREN ARE small, you should be the boss. Yourparentingshouldbeakindofbenevolentdictatorshipwhereyoumakemostofthedecisions,youarethejudgeandjury,andyouaregentleandkind.Yourchildrenwillnotdecideeachdaywhattheyhavefordinner, when they go to bed, or whether or not they show up forpreschoolinthemorning.

Asyourlittleonesgetolder,however,thesetupshouldgraduallychange.Whenyour children are seventeen, thehousehold shouldbealmost,butnotquite,ademocracy.Almostademocracymeans thatyouradolescentshavea lotmore tosayabout therulesandpoliciesthataffect them.Thisnotionalsomeansthatas theyearshavegoneby, you have been giving your kids more and more independence.Ideally,teensshouldbemakingtheirowndecisionsabouthomework,bedtime, choice of friends, clothes and—to a large extent—diet.

Encouraging children’s growing independence is one of a parent’smostimportantchallenges.

Howdoyougoabout supportingyourkids’ independence?First,you avoid over-parenting, and second, you involve your kids inproblem-solving efforts through family meetings and one-on-oneparent-childmeetings.

These get-togethers are a good idea for several reasons.As thekids get older it makes more sense that they have a bigger voiceregardingtheissuesthataffectthem.Inaddition,kidswillcooperatebetter with a decision or policy when they have had a say in thedevelopmentofthatidea.Andfinally,childrenneedtheexperienceoffamilynegotiation toprepareformanaging theirownmarriagesandfamilies.Unfortunately, far toomanymarried adults learn the hardway—whenitistoolate—thattheirpersonalnegotiationskillscouldusesomework.

Agood time to start family or one-on-onemeetings iswhen thekidsarearoundfirstgrade.Don’ttrymeetingswhenthechildrenarethree or four years old, as they’ll be too young to understand theprocess.Thefamilymeetingcantakeplaceasoftenasyouwish;onceeveryweekor two is ideal.One-on-one conferences shouldbedonelessfrequently,orasneeded.Youcancallspecialmeetingswheneverauniqueproblemcomesup,andyourkidscanalsorequestameetingthemselves.

How to Run a Family Meeting

Theformatofthefamilymeetingissimple.Oneparentisusuallythechairperson and has responsibility for keeping order and keepingpeopleontask.Olderchildrencantryrunningthemeetingthemselvesfrom time to time if you think they can handle the job. Thechairperson sees to it that the agenda is followed, that each person

getsachancetospeak,andthatotherslistenwithoutinterrupting.What is the agenda? Each person in the family brings to the

meeting a problem that he or she wants resolved. Then, with eachissue,thechairpersonguidesthegroupthroughthefollowingsteps:

1. Thefirstspeakerdescribestheproblemshewantsresolved.2. Onebyone, every other persongives his or her thoughts and

feelingsaboutthatissue.Otherstryhardtolisten.3. The floor is opened to proposals for solutions; anyone can

speak,butonlyoneatatime.4. A solution to be tried is agreed upon. This final idea may

combineaspectsofsuggestionsfromdifferentpeople.If therearedisagreements,MomandDadhavethefinalsay.

5. The solution is entered in the computer, and a hard copy ispostedontherefrigerator.

6. Nextperson,nextproblem;steps2–5arerepeated.

Mostsolutionsareconsideredexperimental,especiallyiftheplanis complex and differences of opinion are large. If the proposedresolutiondoesn’twork,thatideawillbereviewedatthenextfamilymeeting. Although proposals should be concrete, specific, andpractical,don’tbeafraidtomakethemflexibleandimaginative!(SeeTheCaseoftheDisappearingSodasectioninthischapter.)

Sittingthroughthesefamilymeetingsisnotalwayseasy.Ifyou’rehoping these will be warm, fuzzy experiences, they’re not. In fact,familymeetings canbedownrightobnoxious, so it’s agood idea tokeepthemunderanhourlong.Beforeourfamilymeetings,ourkidswouldgrumbleandtellusthatalltheirfriendsthoughtmywifeandIwereweird.Butoncetheywereatthemeeting,neitherofthemwouldhesitatetoputintheirtwocents!

The Case of the Disappearing Soda

When shewas nine,my daughter brought thisweighty issue to ourbiweeklyfamilymeeting.Sheexplainedweusuallyboughtaneight-pack of soda pop, and there were four people in the family. Theproblemwasthatshewasn’tgettinghertwobottles.Therewasneveranyleft!Wealllistenedtoourdaughter’sdescriptionoftheproblem,thenBrother,Mom,andDadallthrewintheiropinions.

After some jockeying around, we found a solution. When theeight-pack of pop entered the house, all eight bottles would beinitialedwithamarker:twoforMom,twoforDad,twoforSister,andtwo forBrother. Ifyoudrankyour twobottles,youweredoneuntilthe next eight-pack arrived. If you still wantedmore pop, you firsthadtochecktheeight-packtoseeiftherewereanyfullbottlesleft.Iftherewasafullone,youcouldpurchaseitforacertainamountfromthepersonwho“owned” it. If thepersondeclined tosell,no testingand manipulation was allowed. This agreement was posted on therefrigerator,anditworkedlikeacharm.

QuikTip

Many parents agree that the family meeting is one of the most aggravating andone of the most effective things you can do with your children. Don’t ever expectanyone to want to come!

How to Do a One-on-One Meeting

Whatifyouareconcernedaboutjustoneofyourchildrenandnotthewhole family? When are you supposed to talk? Imagine you havebecome concerned about the way that your eight-year-old son hasbeen treating his friendswhen they come over to play. Two thingsbotheryou:(1)hemakesfunof theotherboys,and(2)hewillonlyplaywhathewantstoplayandwillnotlistentoanysuggestions.

What do you do?You make an appointment with your son andcalmlyandbrieflytellhimwhatyouareworriedabout.Forexample,“I’mconcernedabouthowyou’vebeenplayingwithMarkandKyle.Let’s get together some time and talk about it.” Then you gettogether, just the twoofyou, and follow the familymeeting formatdescribedearlierinthischapter.

1. Describetheproblem.Bebrief—nonaggingorlecturing.“I’mconcernedaboutyoumakingfunofyourfriendsandnotlettingthemdowhattheywanttodowhenthey’reatourhouse.”

2. Askyoursonforhisopinionofthesituation.“Whatdoyouthinkaboutthis?”Doyourbestsympatheticlistening.

3. Generate some solutions. “What can we do about this, andhowcanIhelpout?”Waitforyourchildtocomeupwithideasfirst.Ifhecan’torherefuses,thencomeupwithyourown.

4. Agreeonsomethingtotryandbeveryspecific.

Youdon’tneed toenter thesolution in thecomputerunlessyoursonwantsto.Tryouttheideas,praisecooperation,andfine-tunetheagreementinfuturemeetings.Helpfulhints:beforethemeetingmakesure you’re in a good mood; during the meeting make sure yourlisteningshoesareon;andafterthesummittryalittlesharedone-on-onefun.Goodluck!

CHAPTERSUMMARY

Family meetings and one-on-one meetings are not always fun. Butthey help prepare your kids for one of life’s ultimate challenges…livingwithsomeoneelse!

PART VI

Enjoying Your New Family LifeCHAPTER 23Staying Consistent

CHAPTER 24Your Happy, Healthy Family

23

STAYING CONSISTENT

You Will Make Some Mistakes—and That’sOkay!

BY THIS POINT YOUshouldbewellintoyourthreeparentingjobs.Youarecontrollingobnoxiousbehaviorwithcounting,youareusing thesevenStartbehaviortacticstoestablishpositiveroutines,andyouareconsistentlyworking on reinforcing your relationshipswith each ofyourchildren.1-2-3Magicisknownforproducingresults.Itworks—and it oftenworks in a very short time.Nomagic. Just the logical,consistent application of certain basic principles of parentingtechnologytothenthdegree.Butlikeanygoodthinginlife,the1-2-3programtakessomeworkandsomethoughttokeepitgoingwell.

Falling Off the Wagon

Parents are humanbeingswhohavegooddays andbaddays.Manypeoplehaveused the1-2-3program religiously foryears andyears.Forothercaregiversit isastruggletostayconsistentandrememberwhatthey’resupposedtobedoing.

The problem we’re talking about here is called “slipping,” orfallingoff thewagon.Itmeansyoustartoutwellwith1-2-3Magic,getthekidsshapedup,butthenslipbackintoyouroldunproductivewaysofoperating.The1-2-3Magic switchgoes to theoffposition.The former status quo has a nastyway of sneaking back up on us.Fallingoffthewagoncanoccursuddenlyonanespeciallybadday,orslippingcanhappenmoregraduallyovermonthsorevenyears.

Inthecourseofadaythere’salwayssomuchgoingon.Youhaveto go to work, drive the kids all over the place, feed everybody,answerphonecalls,helpwithhomework,callyourmother,andtrytofindalittletimetoreadthepaper.Whenyou’redoingninethingsatonce,whocanremembertheNoTalkingandNoEmotionRules?Youcan!It’snotalwayseasy,butitbeatsarguingandscreaming,

whichonlyaddtoyour troublesandmakeyoufeelangryandguiltylater. Remember:1-2-3 Magic was written for busy parents likeyourselfwhoareinevitablygoingtogetupsetfromtimetotime.

QuikTip

When you’re doing nine things at once, who can remember the No Talking andNo Emotion Rules? You can!

Over the long term, slipping can occur for a number of reasons.Themostfrequentculpritsarevisitors,illness,travel,newbabies,andplain forgetfulness. Gradually you find yourself talking too much,forgetting your Start behavior routines, and not enjoying your kidsanymore. Then one night, you wake up at 3:00 a.m. and wonder,“Whathappenedtothe1-2-3method?”

Emotional Obstacles

Slippingcanalsooccurincertainsituationswhereyourthoughtsandemotionsconspiretothrowyouofftrack.Inthesesituations,it’snotsomuchthatyouforgetwhatyoushoulddo.Instead,emotionalforcesinside, caused by a little bit of screwy thinking, push you toward abaddisciplineresponse.

How do you manage these unwanted tests of your will? Clearthinking—along with a little effort and courage—is often needed.Let’slookatafewexamples.

Anxiety: What will people think?

Wrongway:Youhavetwoothercouplesoverfordinner,andyou’resittingatthetablewiththemandyoursonanddaughter,agessixandeight. The kids start poking one another. Daughter pushes Son andsays, “Leave me alone!” One of your guests laughs and saysnervously, “Well, kids are always kids, aren’t they?” You think , “Idon’twanttoembarrassmyselfandeveryoneelsebydiscipliningmykidsatthedinnertable.”Youlaughalongwithyourfriend.

Rightway:Youthink ,“OurfriendsmaywonderwhatI’mdoing,butI’dbetternipthisfightinthebud.”Yousay ,“Guys,you’rebothona1.”Thenyoubrieflyexplaincountingtoyourguests.

Anger: Bringing your work home

Wrongway:You’ve had a terrible day at work, having made twomajormistakesandaggravatingyourbossbig time.Whenyouwalkin the door, the kids arewatchingTV and the family room floor iscovered with books, papers, pens, toys, and just general junk.Youthink, “Why can’t these kids ever put anything away?”You yell ,“What’s the matter with you guys! THIS ISN’T A PIGPEN. IT’SSUPPOSEDTOBEAHOME!”

Rightway:You think ,“I’mawalking timebombwaiting togooff.Kidsarekids,andwe’llworryaboutpickingupateighto’clocklikeweusuallydo.”Yousay,“Hi,guys.I’vehadaterribledayandneedalittlespaceforafewminutes.”

Guilt: The poor kid!

Wrongway:It’s2:30p.m.onalong,boringsummerday.Yournine-year-old sonasksyou tobuyhim thenew, all-the-ragevideogame.It’snotthatexpensive.Youreply,“Nottoday.”Hewhimpers,“Ineverget to do anything. This summer really sucks!”You think , “I neverliked thewaymyparents treatedme. Poor kid.Why am I being soselfish?”Yousay ,“Allright,butthat’sallwe’regetting.Ihaveworktodo!”

Right way: You think , “His whimpering is Testing Tactic 4,martyrdom. He needs to develop more constructive ways ofentertaininghimself.”Yousaynothing.

Sadness: Poor me

Wrong way: Two weeks ago your best friend of fourteen years

moved fromdown theblock toacityninehundredmilesaway. It’s9:15 p.m., which is usually story time for your eight-year-olddaughter and part of her basic bedtime routine. But over the lastcoupleofweeksyou’veskippedstorytimeonthreeoccasionsandhadhergotosleepbyherself.Youhear,“Mom,areyoucomingup?” Youthink,“What’s theuse?I’mtired.Shecangetherself tosleep.”Yousay,“Nottonight,honey.”

Right way: You think , “I’ve been sloppy lately with her bedtimebecauseof things goingon inmyown life.Maintaining the routineandourtimetogetherisimportant.I’llalsofeelbetterreadingtoherthan I will sitting down here moping.”You say , “I’ll be up in asecond.”

Recovering from a Slip-Up

Whatdoyoudowhenyoufindyourself—overtheshortorlongterm—falling back into your old ways? First of all,accept slipping asnormal. Nobody’s perfect, including you, and you shouldn’t expectyourself to be. Life—especially with kids—is also more complex,messy,andchallengingthananyofuseveranticipated.

Second, it’sbacktobasics.Mostoften,whenparentscometomeandsay“The1-2-3isnotworkinganymore,”whatishappeningisaviolation of theNo Talking andNo Emotion Rules. The nextmostcommon setback is forgetting Parenting Job 3, relationshipstrengthening.Sowesitdownandreview1-2-3Magiccarefully,andthen send Mom and Dad on their way. This brief refresher courseusuallytakescareoftheproblem.

Thefactthatyouused1-2-3Magiconceandgottrippedupalittledoes not hurt the program’s effectiveness the second time around.Turnthat1-2-3switchbacktoOn.

When you have caught yourself backsliding, say something likethis to your kids: “Guys, I’m not doing my job right.You got mefrustrated,andI’mtalkingandyellingtoomuch.We’regoingbacktocounting.” When you’ve regressed over a longer period, considerredoingtheKickoffConversation.

Overthecourseofyourkids’growing-uptimeatyourhouse,youmaygothroughanumberofslip-upsandrecoveries—daily,monthly,orevenannually.Eachtimeyoucatchyourselfgettingcareless, justpickyourselfup, takeadeepbreath,andgoback towhatyouknowworksbest.

CHAPTERSUMMARYOneof thenice things about 1-2-3Magic is that it’s so easy to getback to. Themost critical thing is to cut out all that extra talking!Remember:toslipupishuman;torecover,divine.

24

YOUR HAPPY, HEALTHY FAMILY

How 1-2-3 Magic Will Change Your Life

WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT from 1-2-3Magic?You can expect a morepeacefulhousehold,alotlessarguing,andfewerangrymoments.Youcan expect to havemore fun, and affectionwill comemore easily.Yourchildren’sself-esteemwillimproveandsowillyours.Youwillfeelmore in control and youwill know you are handling parentingchallengescorrectly.

Whatitallboilsdowntoisthis:Howdoyouwanttospendyourtimewithyourkids?Oneoptionisthatyoucanspendyourtimelikethis:

In thisscenario, thekidsaredrivingyoucrazymostof the time.You are caught up in frequent but futile attempts at “discipline.”Thereislittletimetoenjoyyourchildren,educatethem,orevenlikethem.

Ontheotherhand,youcanputsomereal thoughtandeffort intoestablishingthe1-2-3Magicprograminyourfamilyandspendyourtimelikethis:

In this situation the proper parenting and family perspective hasbeen established. Sanity is restored by the 1-2-3 system, makingdiscipline crisp, gentle, and efficient. There’s less arguing andyelling, and in thismore peaceful atmosphere there aremore goodtimes.Everyone’sself-esteembenefits.

“1-2-3 Magic Saved My Marriage”

I’ll never forget the following story that onemother toldmemanyyears ago. 1-2-3 Magic brings families closer together—kids getalongbetterwiththeirsiblings,andparentscanevengetalongbetterwitheachother.

Michelle and her husband, Jack, had very different parentingstyles.Hewasaspankerandshewasatalker.Theydisagreedonwhatbehaviors to discipline and on how to discipline them. Michelletended to be too soft; Jack tended to be too hard. Each tried toovercompensatetomakeupfortheother.Itwasamess.

MichelletoldmethatsheandJackoftenarguedaboutotherthingsinsteadof thereal issue.Ifherhusbandwastoohardontheireight-year-old son,Kyle,while hewasdoinghis homework, for instance,Michellewouldnagaboutthelaundry.Ifherhusbandthoughtshewastoo soft about homework, hewould get snippyover the dishes.Thetwoneversaidwhattherealproblemwas,andontherareoccasionsthattheydid,itturnedintoahugefight.

Onetimeatthegrocerystore,MichelletemporarilygotseparatedfromKyle andDad.When she found them again,Kyle’s eyeswereredandhewasrubbinghisbottom.

“Whathappened?”Michelleaskedassheglaredatherhusband.“Daddyspankedme!”Kylepipedup.“WhydidDaddyspankyou?”Momasked.Jackjumpedin,“HewanderedawayfrommeandIcouldn’tfind

him.”Michelle gave her husband her best “I-am-so-mad-at-you” look.

Theythenwalkedaroundthestorefightingwitheachotherinfrontoftheirson.Theirconversationsoundedlikethis:

“If youwould just letme discipline him, hewouldn’t run awaylikethat.”

“Ifyouwerewatchinghimbetter,hewouldn’thaverunaway.”“Ifyouwouldn’tbesosoftonhim,thenhewouldlistenthefirst

time.”

“Ifyouwouldn’tbeathim,thenhewouldn’twanttorunaway.”This couplewasgoingnowhere.Thenoneday, theirpediatrician

recommendedaprogramwithastrangename:1-2-3Magic.MichellereadthebookandpersuadedJacktowatchtheDVD.Afterthat,thingschangedfairlyquickly.

GoodLuck!

Don’t spend any more days caught up in useless irritation. Take charge of yourhome today—and start having some fun with your kids!

AsMichelleput it,“Whenwestarted1-2-3Magic,ourparentingissues came together.And somethingelse amazinghappened.Therewasalotlessbickeringaboutlaundryanddishes.Wedidn’tfightasmuch aswehadbefore.Sinceusing1-2-3, ourmarriage is strongerandourparentingissimpleandunderstood.”

Differencesinchild-rearingtacticsbetweenMomandDadcanputterrible strains on marriages. As Michelle put it, “Now theexpectations are the same for both of us, and the difference in ourmarriage(aswellasinparentingourson)hasbeenamazing.”

APPENDIX

Further Readings and Resources

Emotional IntelligenceBorba,Michele.BuildingMoralIntelligence:TheSevenEssentialVirtuesThatTeachKidstoDotheRightThing.SanFrancisco:Jossey-Bass,2002.

Goleman, Daniel.Emotional Intelligence:Why It CanMatterMore Than IQ . NewYork:BantamBooks,2005.

Active Listening and Problem SolvingFaber,Adele,andElaineMazlish.HowtoTalkSoKidsWillListenandListenSoKidsWillTalk.NewYork:Scribner,2012.

Ginott, Haim.Between Parent and Child . Revised and updated byAlice Ginott and H.WallaceGoddard.NewYork:CrownPublishing,2003.

Childhood Emotional ProblemsChansky, Tamar E. Freeing Your Child from Anxiety: Powerful, Practical Solutions toOvercomeYourChild’sFears,Worries,andPhobias.NewYork:CrownPublishing,2014.

Coloroso, Barbara.The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to HighSchool—How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle . New York: WilliamMorrowPaperbacks,2009.

Turecki, Stanley, andSarahWarnick. TheEmotionalProblemsofNormalChildren:HowParentsCanUnderstandandHelp.NewYork:BantamBooks,1994.

Separation and Divorce

Philyaw,Deesha,andMichaelD.Thomas.Co-Parenting101:HelpingYourKidsThriveinTwoHouseholdsafterDivorce.Oakland,CA:NewHarbinger,2013.

Ricci,Isolina.TheCoParentingToolkit:TheEssentialSupplementforMom’sHouse,Dad’sHouse.LaVergne,TN:LightningSource,2015.

Tech and MediaAwareness Technologies. WebWatcherKids website, www.webwatchekids.com(Informationonmonitoringsoftware)

CommonSenseMediawebsite,www.commonsensemedia.org(One-stopshop forreviewsonTV,movies,music,games,books,andwebsites—excellentresource)

McAfee.InternetSafetywebsite,www.internetsafety.com(SafeEyesInternetfilter)

National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. NetSmartz website,www.netsmartz.org (Very popular safety site used by educators, law enforcement, andparents)

WiredSafetywebsite,www.wiredsafety.org(Internetsafetysite)

Parenting StylesCohen,LawrenceJ.TheOppositeofWorry:ThePlayfulParentingApproachtoChildhoodAnxietiesandFears.NewYork:BallantineBooks,2013.

Miles,Karen.ThePowerofLovingDiscipline.NewYork:Penguin,2006.

Semmelroth, Carl.TheAngerHabitinParenting:ANewApproachtoUnderstandingandResolvingFamilyConflict.Naperville,IL:Sourcebooks,2005.

Stiffelman, Susan.Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident,CaringKids.Novato,CA:NewWorldLibrary,2015.

Child TemperamentBorsky, Bari.Authentic Parenting:A Four Temperaments Guide to Understanding Your

Child—AndYourself!Herndon,VA:SteinerBooks,2013.

Dodson, James C.TheNew Strong-WilledChild . Carol Stream, IL:TyndaleMomentum,2014.

Other Discipline AlternativesFarber,Adele, and ElaineMazlish.Siblingswithout Rivalry:How toHelp YourChildrenLiveTogetherSoYouCanLiveToo.NewYork:W.W.Norton&Company,2012.

Leman,Kevin.HaveaNewKidbyFriday!HowtoChangeYourChild’sAttitude,Behavior&Characterin5Days.GrandRapids,MI:Revell,2012.

MacKenzie,RobertJ.SettingLimitswithYourStrong-WilledChild:EliminatingConflictbyEstablishingClear,Firm,andRespectfulBoundaries.NewYork:ThreeRiversPress,2013.

Markham,Laura.PeacefulParent,HappyKids:HowtoStopYellingandStartConnecting .NewYork:Perigee,2012.

Research on 1-2-3 MagicAllen, Sharon M., Roy H. Thompson, and Jane Drapeaux. “Successful Methods forIncreasing and Improving Parent and Child Interactions.” Paper presented at the 24thAnnualTrainingConferenceof theNationalHeadStartAssociation,Boston,May25–31,1997.

Bradley,Susan,Darryle-AnneJadaa, JoelBrody,SarahLandry,SusanE.Tallett,WilliamWatson,BarbaraShea, et al. “BriefPsychoeducationalParentingProgram:AnEvaluationand 1-Year Follow-Up.” Journal of the American Academy of Child and AdolescentPsychiatry 42, no. 10 (October 2003): 1171–78.doi:10.1097/01.chi.0000081823.25107.75.

Elgar, Frank J., and Patrick J.McGrath. “Self-Administered PsychosocialTreatments forChildren and Families.”Journal of Clinical Psychology 59, no. 3 (2003): 321–39.doi:10.1002/jclp.10132.

Norcross,JohnC.,LindaF.Campbell,JohnM.Gohol,JohnW.Santrock,FlorinSelagea,and Robert Sommer.Self-HelpThatWorks:Resources to ImproveEmotionalHealth andStrengthenRelationships,162,165.NewYork:OxfordUniversityPress,2013.

Porzig-Drummond,Renata,RichardJ.Stevenson,andCarolStevenson.“The1-2-3MagicParentingProgramandItsEffectonChildProblemBehaviorsandDysfunctionalParenting:ARandomizedControlledTrial.”BehaviourResearchandTherapy 58C(May2014):52–64.doi:10.1016/j.brat.2014.05.004.

Salehpour,Yeganeh. “1-2-3MagicPart I: ItsEffectivenessonParentalFunction inChildDisciplinewithPreschoolChildren.”Abstract.DissertationAbstractsInternational,SectionA:Humanities&SocialSciences57,no3-A(September1996):1009.

Tutty, Steve, Harlan Gephart, and KatieWurzbacher. “Enhancing Behavioral and SocialSkill Functioning in Children Newly Diagnosed with Attention Deficit HyperactivityDisorder in a Pediatric Setting.”Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics 24, no.1(February2003):51–57.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

PHOTOCOURTESYOFTHOMASW.PHELAN,PHD

THOMAS W. PHELANisaninternationallyrenownedexpert,author,andlectureronchilddisciplineandattentiondeficitdisorder.AregisteredPhDclinicalpsychologist,heappearsfrequentlyonradioandTV.Dr.PhelanpracticesandworksinthewesternsuburbsofChicago.

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PhD

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