the secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from zero to five

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www.zerotofive.net The secret to time-outs that work A tip adapted from by Tracy Cutchlow

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http://www.zerotofive.net/ New parents need help! Not just with getting more sleep, but stuff like: “What activities do you do with a 9-week-old baby? I feel like he is just super bored.” “She bit me! I didn’t know what to do.” “My baby just turned 1. I thought this was when it would be easier, but I’m at a loss.” I’ve been there. As the editor of Brain Rules for Baby, I knew what was best for baby’s brain development. But once my own baby arrived, I wanted more how-to. So I dug into the research and talked with experts. I collected 70 brief but foundational tips about connecting with baby, heading off tantrums, discipline, sleep, and more. Here's one of the tips on time-outs. Giving a time-out is often parents' go-to form of discipline. How do you give a time-out? The most effective way isn't what you think.

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Page 1: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

www.zerotofive.net

The secret to time-outs that work

A tip adapted from

by Tracy Cutchlow

Page 2: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

You threaten a time-out, lecture, threaten again, get exasperated, banish your child to time-out, get pissed off when she escapes from time-out, wrestle her back into it, yell at her to be quiet if she sounds like she’s having fun in there, feel bad if she’s crying, make her apologize afterward, and wrap up with a lecture.

In other words, a heck of a lot of attention.

Does this sound familiar?

Page 3: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

And it doesn’t work.

Page 4: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

The truly effective discipline technique?

Briefly withdrawing attention.

Page 5: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

It's just a chance to stop, take a break, and regain self-control.

It's positive, not punitive

Page 6: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

I call it a calm-down.

Page 7: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

Time-out

• used to punish and shame

• doesn't teach what to do

• makes taking a break a bad thing

• makes both parties feel bad

Calm-down

• used to help child deal with intense emotions

• teaches what to do instead of misbehaving

• makes taking a break a good thing

• feels better to parents and kids

A calm-down vs. a time-out

Page 8: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

Copyright Betty Udesen/Pear Press

It looks like this

Page 9: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

How to prepare?

Create a Wheel of Choice

Page 10: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

Together, brainstorm things that calm your child.

Write them on a pie chart and illustrate it.

Copyright Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott

Page 11: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

taking deep breaths punching a pillow

jumping up and down mashing playdough

being asked if she wants a hug looking at a book

listening to soothing music drawing

stretching doing windmills or sit-ups or squats

Ideas

Page 12: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

When to call a calm-down?

For disruptive or defiant behavior

Page 13: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

4 steps to calling a calm-down

Page 14: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

“OK, time for a calm-down.” (Be matter-of-fact, not threatening or disrespectful.)

Even better, you go first:

“I need to calm down. I’m going to read in my room for a few minutes.”

“Time for a calm-down. I’m going to take deep breaths.”

Keep the conversation short and sweet. Step 1

Page 15: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

Copyright Betty Udesen/Pear Press

“We’re not going to talk about this until we’re both calm.”

Page 16: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

Surprise: You don't need some chair in the corner.

The key is withdrawing attention from the misbehavior, not necessarily the child. You might say, “Would you like to sit next to me while you calm down?” Or “Would you like to go to your calm-down space, or should I go to mine?”

Let your child choose where to calm down.Step 2

Page 17: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

Copyright Betty Udesen/Pear Press

You could ask if your child would like a hug first.

Page 18: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

If your child won’t choose, announce your own plan for calming down:

“I’m going to (take deep breaths / read a book / pick something from our Wheel of Choice). I love you, but I’m too worked up to talk about this right now.”

Practice a calming technique. Step 3

Page 19: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

Copyright Betty Udesen/Pear Press

3 benefits:

• It models for your child how to calm down.

• It calms you down.

• It withdraws your attention from the misbehavior.

Page 20: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

Kids can't learn a lesson when they're worked up. (You can't either, right?) There's no point lecturing in the heat of the moment. Once everyone is calm (maybe that night), then talk. Name the misbehavior and the behavior you want instead.

Teach the lesson ... later Step 4

Page 21: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

Copyright Betty Udesen/Pear Press

Ask questions without judging:

“What happened there?” “What can you do differently next time?” “What do we need to do to make this right?”

Page 22: The secret to time-outs that work -- parenting and discipline tips from Zero to Five

www.zerotofive.net

Tracy Cutchlow is the author of Zero to Five: 70 Essential Parenting Tips Based

on Science (and What I’ve Learned So Far), and the editor of the bestselling books

Brain Rules for Baby and Brain Rules. As a journalist, she has worked for MSN Money

and the Seattle Times. She lives in Seattle with her husband and daughter.

More parenting tips at