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Why We Secretly Love To Hate

Is it possible that you actually benefit from getting into a cycle of

conflict with your partner?

Wouldnt it be fantastic if you woke up one morning to find all your

problems with your partner had disappeared? Instead of arguing,criticising or ignoring each other, you could just get on with being

happy together.

Relationship theory has been dominated by the premise that when wefight, it is because we lack the skills or insight required to resolve

conflict. But what if its not that we dont know how to get along we

just dont want to? The reason is that our ego competes with our

ability to live harmoniously.

Think of someone you dont get along with. Now imagine you canpress a button to transform your interaction into a close, caring and

supportive friendship. Fancy it? Not many people do.Sometimes we just dont want to get close to the person were at

odds with. This joy in hostility is rooted in the animal side of

human nature we seek to suppress.In order to improve our relationships, we have to focus on changing

ourselves not the other person. You are 100 per cent of the problem,

just as they are. The moment you change, the other person willchange too.

auses Of Conflictower And Control

ike animals, we have a primal desire for a pecking order even within our close relationships. Wanting toave power over people is part of human nature. We enjoy feeling superior to others it means we get what

we want from the relationship. Ultimately, though, we are hurting someone we are meant to care about more

han anyone else. Instead of trying to control your partner, try putting yourself in their shoes. Intimidation

rives our intimacy, while empathy and respect encourage it.

elf-blame

f we shoulder all the blame in our relationship, we are, in fact, rewarded, because we are preventing the

ther person from criticising us because weve got in first. However, that takes lots of energy, and as a

esult, were not much fun to be around. Instead of self-blame, consider sharing the responsibility for thingsoing wrong and take an adult, neutral stance rather than an emotionally charged one.

Revenge

is easy to dwell on what another person has done to us, overlooking our own provocative behaviour, buthe urge for revenge too often overwhelms our desire for a loving relationship. It doesnt make us happy it

ust gives us a sense of righteousness. The most protracted international conflicts have been fuelled by

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evenge nobody wins, nobody wants to stop. At some point, somebody has to break the cycle.

ustice And Fairness

f someone doesnt meet our expectations, we feel we have every right to punish them. How many times, in

he heat of an argument, do we hear ourselves say, Its so unfair, when what we mean is, This isnt what Iwant? This is a distortion. It is reasoning informed solely by how we feel or an assumption that our feelings

eflect the way things are for our partner too. It supports the erroneous belief that it is the other person who

eeds to change and allows us to justify hurtful behaviour. The key is to realise that what we said wasntctually anything to do with fairness or justice. When we are annoyed with someone, we flood our minds

with negative thoughts that may seem valid at that moment, but that inevitably contain errors.

Anger And Bitterness

Anger can provide us with a sense of purpose, particularly if we are in a relationship that is draining ournergy. Burns explains that anger can be expressed in three ways: active aggression (seeking out

onfrontation), passive aggression (unhelpfully avoiding confrontation) or by calmly and respectfully

haring how you feel. The last is the least popular, but the most effective.Overcoming anger requires us to work on our ability to listen. The one-minute drill can help. For 30econds, calmly allow the other person to make their point, saying nothing and ensuring your body language

open and positive. Then, for the next 30 seconds, paraphrase back as accurately and respectfully as you

an what they said.

lame

s hard to give up the belief that its not our fault. Use a blame cost-benefit analysis.

Draw up two columns on a piece of paper: the advantages of blaming the other person versus the

isadvantages. Advantages might include: I dont have to feel guilty, I dont have to change, I can feelmorally superior. Disadvantages might be: I wont be able to get closer to my partner, Ill be stuck in a

ycle, nothing will change.f the advantages list is longer, you have definitely succumbed to blame as a motivation for conflict. If yourst is more 50-50, its really tempting to want the other person to shoulder half the blame. But if you want a

etter relationship, you must concentrate solely on changing yourself.

capegoating

abelling someone as inferior or defective has the advantage of giving us a clear, if inaccurate, explanationor all our relationship problems. Statements such as, You always do this or, He is so stupid are easily

made, but cause us to seek evidence to support our labelling. Then we reinforce it by repeating such

tatements to others and, like a good gossip, it is a process we often secretly enjoy.ut there will always be evidence to support exactly the opposite statement. Seek this out and the power of

capegoating is diffused. For example, instead of saying, My partner is totally unreliable, ask whatvidence there is to support the opposite statement, My partner is very reliable. This draws attention toheir positive behaviour and gives us a more balanced picture of their track record.

ride And Shame

eing forced to look at our faults, especially by someone we love, can feel too painful, so instead we put up

wall and become defensive. The key to dealing with this suggests Burns, is to rethink what it means to beulnerable. When you are totally vulnerable, you are totally invulnerable, because you have nothing more to

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ide your vulnerability becomes your greatest strength. True intimacy requires us to face up to our failings.

ruth

When we fight with someone, the subtext is usually Im right and youre wrong. But what if youre both

ght? Take this stance, and the majority of conflicts are dead before they start. Anything that anyone saysas some truth in it. Try to seek that out instead of disregarding their views completely.

Hidden Agendas

his is the hardest to face up to. What is your hidden agenda? Do you settle for your relationships

hortcomings because, deep down, you benefit from it? There are always rewards to the problems in yourelationship, which means that they are not really problems. It might be that you like the things they way

hey are, but the price that you pay for not being honest is a lack of intimacy. Admitting your hidden agenda

the first step in putting that right.