Love, Hate and Other EmotionsExistential Relationship Therapy in Practice

Emmy van DeurzenTherapy ChallengesStratford July 2014

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Emmy van DeurzenPhD, MPhil, MPsych, CPsychol, FBPsS, UKCPF, FBACP, ECP, HPC reg

•Visiting Professor Middlesex University -UK•Director Dilemma Consultancy•Director Existential Academy •Principal New School of Psychotherapy and Counselling - London

13 Books

Existential Perspectives on Relationship Therapy: 2013

• Edited with Susan Iacovou

Living with love and its shadows

• What is love?• Why does it matter?• How do we make love happen?• What are its drawbacks and shadows?• How to live with love?

What is Love?

• To be intent on knowing, respecting and valuing an other for what they

actually are and can be

• Letting them be and live as fully and freely as possible, keeping their

welfare at heart, as our own, in a dedicated, attentive and

uncompromising way . I-Thou. Cherishing. Challenging.

Love is not just a feeling

• It is an action, an attitude, an intention, a movement, a way of

being

• Love is the movement towards the other in the spirit of care,

affection, commitment, loyalty, generosity, kindness, intimacy,

tenderness, attachment, trust and truth.

Love is a particular kind of intentionality

• The world is not comprehensible, but it is embraceable: through the embracing of one of its beings. (Buber)

• Scheler: humanitarian feelings are always accompanied by a hatred of the world. Humanity is loved in general in order to avoid having to love anybody in particular.

• Albert Camus, The Rebel, A. Bower, trans. (1956), p. 18

• There is not enough love in the world to squander it on anything but human beings.

Shadows and drawbacks

• True love requires mutuality

• We cannot truly love unless we love ourselves first

• Risks inherent in loving: it is a very absorbing activity which takes much energy

• Our good will and availability are taken advantage of

• Our hearts may be broken

• We will neglect others we do not love

People are confused about love

• Re-establish communication

• Mutual respect-support• Friendship and love• Understanding• Alterity• Collaboration• Mutuality

Role of Existential Couple Therapist: work in synergy

Therapist

Partner A

Partner B

Balancing pros and cons after structural analysis

Pros Cons

Physical

Social

Personal

Spiritual

Happiness

The quieter you become the more you are able to hear

Rumi

• Re-establish peace, calm and willingness to listen

Existential Couple Work: aims

• Focus on shared meaning and human and life issues• Values of couple and how they provoke tension and

conflict• See conflict and daily conflict resolution as a basis of

relationship• Dialogue, understanding and respect as the

objective: creating a good space in the world• Mutuality and reciprocity as a way of overcoming

isolation

Idealized images of romantic love

Christian Love

Love as an altar of self-sacrifice

Jaspers’ Loving Struggle

The teacher of love teaches struggle. The teacher of lifeless isolation from the world teaches peace. Psychology of Worldviews 1919

Existential couple work

• Teach dialogue and listening

• Allow each partner access to what the other partner feels, dreads and hopes for in private

• Create a safe space where partners are able to speak freely and with the confidence of being respected, listened to and understood.

• Provide translation when they do not hear each other.

Love’s executioner or Love’s ally?

To understand love is to understand life in all its paradoxes

• Conflict, opposition and change are core forces• You can let it destroy you or let it teach you• Relationships are about tension: fission or fusion• Conflicts are not just with others but with ourselves• Conflict does not have to lead to combat

The cycle of change

• Change happens naturally• It is inevitable for renewal• We try to prevent it to create stability

and certainty• This is against nature: dams up the flow

of life• Leads to fermentation and festering • Rediscover change as a natural cycle

Evolution and development: larva, caterpillar, chrysalis, butterfly

Relationships and people change

• Loss and transition are about breakdown of the old:

• Instead of breaking down, push through the block to the next level: breakthrough

• In the process we become stronger • Relationships are tested: rupture or consolidate

Couples try to change each other by:1. Secretly wishing for change 2. Getting angry and protesting3. Getting upset, even suicidal4. Demanding or imposing change by bullying or

seducing5. Setting ultimata6. Reasoning and trying to persuade7. Arguing a personal case8. Withdrawing and enduring9. Getting support from others10. Giving up

Female evolution has shifted power balance

Disappointment about change

Negativity in depicting men

Not patriarchy or matriarchy: equality and mutuality

Fairness and equality, not oppression and exploitation

Jean Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir: a different view of relationship

a dangerous liaison, Seymour-Jones

"to maintain throughout all deviations from the main path a 'certain fidelity’, de Beauvoir.

Necessary and contingent loves

Sartre’s lack.

• The existence of desire as a human fact is sufficient to prove that human reality is a lack. (Sartre, Being and Nothingness:87)

• We are nothing trying to be something.

 

The Look: Sartre’s Other

• The Other looks at me and as such he holds the secret of my being, he knows what I am. Thus the profound meaning of my being is outside of me, imprisoned in an absence. The Other has the advantage over me.

• (Sartre, Being and Nothingness:363)

Sartre’s possession

• Thus the lover does not desire to possess the beloved as one possesses a thing; he demands a special type of appropriation. He wants to possess a freedom as a freedom. (Sartre B&N:367)

Competitive relationships

• Domination: sadism.• Submission: masochism.• Withdrawal: indifference.

Cooperative relationships

• Mutuality: reciprocity-equality• Generosity: giving of oneself• Collaboration: working together (sparring partners)

Relationship is essential to freedom

• “A man alone in the world would be paralyzed by...the vanity of all of his goals. But man is not alone in the world” (Pyrrhus and Cinéas, 42),

• The other, as free, is immune to my power• Common commitment to a shared goal

• I can only be truly free to pursue my cause if I can persuade others to join it.

Simone de Beauvoir the second sex, the woman in love identifies

• The supreme goal of human love, as of mystical love, is identification with the loved one. The measure of values, the truth of the world are in his consciousness: hence it is not enough to serve him. The woman in love tries to see with his eyes.

Couples may have different views of love and life

What does it mean to live as a couple?

Space in the relationship

Physical space

Social space

Personal space

Spiritual space

Four dimensions and couples

• Physical: how do we divide physical space? How do our bodies relate to each other? Sex? Cuddles? Comfort? Possessions? Nature? Cosmos?

• Social: how do we relate to other people together? How are we situated in public life? Cultural pursuits? Friends? Family?

• Personal: how do we define ourselves in relation to each other? Do our private worlds connect? Intimacy? Loyalty?

• Spiritual: what are the values we adhere to as a couple? Personal beliefs? Religion? What ideas are important? Can we challenge each other?

Rules for good relationships

• Respect each other’s authority & responsibility• Make as many demands as contributions• Give as much appreciation as criticism• Agree on how time and money are spent• Be fair to self and other• Agree on values and objectives for future• Let conflict and controversy be your guide• Teach and learn from each other • Be loyal and make relating a priority• Have good physical connection• Communicate regularly• Be yourself as well as together• Have a joint narrative and ideal

Your struggles develop your strengthsMohandas Gandhi

Your future is as bright as your willingness to engage and learn

Loving your Life

• Loving your fate and destiny in all its manifestations

• (Nietzsche’s Amor Fati)

How to create value in life?

• Through committed and engaged action• Step by step• Diligently proceeding no matter what

challenges come on your path• Steady progress comes from undaunted focus

on your project• Flexibility and finding joy in the process rather

than aiming for success or happiness

Existential therapy is about a different way of life

A psychology for life, not just for pathology or happiness

Existential couple therapy: how to live together to make life worthwhile

What is Love?

Childhood

• Yum • Yuck

• We like what feels of value, pretty, pleasant, interesting and good

• We dislike what feels wrong, dangerous, unpleasant and bad

Different types of love and their shadows

• Narcissism (self love) : solipsism• Need love (child/physical need) : addiction• Infatuation (obsessive): blindness• Erotic love (Eros/sensual love): objectification• Romantic love/emotional love: possessiveness• Companionship/community (Philia): betrayal• Neighbourly/hospitality (Xenia): hubris• Maternal/parental love (Storge): smothering• Divine/Mystical/Unconditional love (Agape) :sacrifice

Helen Fisher’s stages

• Lust : mating (1.5-3 years) pheromones/amphetamines: pleasure centre.

• Attraction: specific focus of mate• Attachment: bonding: oxytocin/vasopressin

Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory

• Intimacy: bonding• Commitment: permanence• Passion: sexual attraction and romance

• Rubin:• Attachment, • Caring • Intimacy.

Sternberg’s overview

Existential Love

• Love is an action (Fromm)• Not just a feeling• We need to work at it • It demands commitment, dedication,

devotion, caring, loyalty, understanding, freedom

• Seeing and knowing the other and letting be• I/Thou rather than I/It

Onto-dynamicsLearning to live in line with the laws of life Paradox, conflict, difficulty and dilemmas are

our daily companions When crisis comes we need to have the

courage to descend to rock bottomFrom there we can build something better

The art of living is to be equal to all our emotions and experiences rather than to select

and cultivate only the safe or pleasant ones

There are many opposites of love:Indifference, hate, suffocation, and

most of all: fear

Four kinds of ways of being conscious

• Loss of value

• Aspire to value

• Threat to value

• Gain value

approach fight

flightfreeze

pride

jealousy

anger-despair

fear

sorrowshame

envy

hope-desire

love

joy

SadnessLow

HappinessHigh

AnxietyExcitementEngagement

DepressionDisappointmentDisengagement

Compass of emotions

evd 10

Overview of conflicts, challenges and paradoxes on four dimensions

World Umwelt : where? Mitwelt : how? Eigenwelt: who? Uberwelt: why?

Physical:survival

Nature:Life/Death

Things:Pleasure/Pain

Body:Health/Illness

Cosmos:Harmony/Chaos

Social:affiliation

Society:Love/Hate

Others:Dominance/Submission

Ego:Acceptance/Rejection

Culture:Belonging/Isolation

Personal:identity

Person:Identity/Freedom

Me:Perfection/Imperfection

Self:Integrity/Disintegration

Consciousness:Confidence/ Confusion

Spiritual:meaning

Infinite:Good/Evil

Ideas:Truth/Untruth

Spirit:Meaning/Futility

Conscience:Right/Wrong

Paradoxes of human existenceDeurzen and Adams

challenge gain loss

Physical Death and pain

Life to the full Unlived life or constant fear

Social Loneliness and rejection

Understand and be understood

Bullying or being bullied

Personal Weakness and failure

Strength and stamina

Narcissism or self destruction

Spiritual Meaning-Lessness and futility

Finding an ethics to live by

Fanaticism or apathy

We are never but an aspect, an element, a part of a wider context. Relationship is essential to our very survival and inspires everything we do. (Deurzen, 1997: 95)

Kierkegaard

• Most people are subjective toward themselves and objective toward all others, frightfully objective sometimes –

but the task is precisely to be objective toward oneself and subjective toward all others.

• (Kierkegaard, 1998: 72)

Don’t cling, don’t be casual

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