The Top 10 Rules for The Top 10 Rules for Civil BehaviorCivil Behavior Presented by Tim Presented by Tim

TuckerTucker

AgendaAgenda

TheoryTheory Introduce Dr. Introduce Dr.

ForniForni Paradigm shiftParadigm shift Call to ActionCall to Action

ApplicationApplication DefinedDefined

– Notions exerciseNotions exercise PrinciplesPrinciples

– Assertion Assertion exercise exercise

RulesRules DiscussionDiscussion

P. M. Forni, Ph.D.P. M. Forni, Ph.D.

Teaches Italian Teaches Italian literature at Johns literature at Johns Hopkins UniversityHopkins University

Studied at the Studied at the University of University of Venice, the Venice, the University of Pavia University of Pavia (’74) and UCLA (’74) and UCLA (’81)(’81)

CreditsCredits

P.M. Forni, Choosing Civility, The P.M. Forni, Choosing Civility, The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct, New York, St. Martin’s, Conduct, New York, St. Martin’s, 20022002

Robert Bolton, People Skills, New Robert Bolton, People Skills, New York, Simon & Schuster, 1980York, Simon & Schuster, 1980

Paradigm ShiftParadigm Shift

How Can We Be Better How Can We Be Better People?People?

Tim’s self-help formulaTim’s self-help formula Some deficit seems obviousSome deficit seems obvious Usually involves discomfortUsually involves discomfort Works against our preferencesWorks against our preferences Ends (goals) justify the meansEnds (goals) justify the means It’s hard to be successfulIt’s hard to be successful There is always guilt and it’s easy to There is always guilt and it’s easy to

quitquit

Civility As A Paradigm Civility As A Paradigm ShiftShift Easily overlookedEasily overlooked Awareness as distinguished from effortAwareness as distinguished from effort Kindness is naturalKindness is natural Like unlearning some of the “isms”Like unlearning some of the “isms” Changed my behavior cognitively, Changed my behavior cognitively,

dedication more important than workdedication more important than work I don’t think I can go backI don’t think I can go back

Call to ActionCall to Action

Why Is Civility Why Is Civility ImportantImportant I think we are all experts in civilityI think we are all experts in civility I think incivility seems inevitableI think incivility seems inevitable I think we can repossess civilityI think we can repossess civility I think we need toI think we need to

– For ourselvesFor ourselves– For our studentsFor our students

I am making a call to actionI am making a call to action

The Baltimore The Baltimore Workplace Civility Workplace Civility StudyStudy Random sample of 400 Baltimore area Random sample of 400 Baltimore area

workers with 130 (32.5%) respondingworkers with 130 (32.5%) responding 67% felt society had become less civil 67% felt society had become less civil

in the past yearin the past year 25% felt the workplace was less civil 25% felt the workplace was less civil

than a year agothan a year ago 83% said it was “very important” to 83% said it was “very important” to

work in a civil environmentwork in a civil environment

The Baltimore The Baltimore Workplace Civility Workplace Civility StudyStudyThe most agreement of “Uncivil” Workplace The most agreement of “Uncivil” Workplace

Behavior was on the followingBehavior was on the following Taking, without asking, a co-worker’s foodTaking, without asking, a co-worker’s food Refusing to work hard on a team projectRefusing to work hard on a team project Shifting blame to coworker for mistake Shifting blame to coworker for mistake Reading someone else’s mailReading someone else’s mail Neglecting to say please/thank youNeglecting to say please/thank you

The Baltimore The Baltimore Workplace Civility Workplace Civility StudyStudy““Violent Workplace Behavior”Violent Workplace Behavior” Pushing a co-worker, heat of Pushing a co-worker, heat of

argumentargument Yelling at a co-workerYelling at a co-worker Firing a subordinate, heat of Firing a subordinate, heat of

argumentargument Harshly criticizing a subordinate in Harshly criticizing a subordinate in

publicpublic Using foul languageUsing foul language

The Baltimore The Baltimore Workplace Civility Workplace Civility StudyStudyResponses to IncivilityResponses to Incivility Discussed outside of workplace Discussed outside of workplace

(88%)(88%) Discussed with co-workers (85%)Discussed with co-workers (85%) Contemplated changing jobs (70%)Contemplated changing jobs (70%) Felt less commitment to company Felt less commitment to company

(63%)(63%) Confronted the instigator (44%)Confronted the instigator (44%)

The Baltimore The Baltimore Workplace Civility Workplace Civility StudyStudyEffects of IncivilityEffects of Incivility Quality of life dropsQuality of life drops Quality of service dropsQuality of service drops Quality of product dropsQuality of product drops Stress risesStress rises People feel rushedPeople feel rushed Accident rates (W/C) riseAccident rates (W/C) rise

The Baltimore The Baltimore Workplace Civility Workplace Civility StudyStudyCost of IncivilityCost of Incivility Decreased work effort (37%)Decreased work effort (37%) Work loss due to illness (9%)Work loss due to illness (9%) Healthcare/EAP (13%)Healthcare/EAP (13%)

Dr. Forni’s point is that “being Dr. Forni’s point is that “being good is good for you.”good is good for you.”

Definitions and Definitions and NotionsNotions

DefinedDefined

From the Latin From the Latin civitascivitas, city, city Life in the city was to have a Life in the city was to have a

“civilizing” effect“civilizing” effect

How Civil Are We?How Civil Are We?

We are expertsWe are experts It’s a great message even if the It’s a great message even if the

messenger is conflictedmessenger is conflicted

What Does Civility Mean What Does Civility Mean to You?to You?

List the notionsList the notions

Some Popular Notions Some Popular Notions of Civilityof Civility Respect for othersRespect for others CareCare ConsiderationConsideration KindnessKindness FairnessFairness Self-controlSelf-control ToleranceTolerance EtiquetteEtiquette PeacePeace

Community ServiceCommunity Service TactTact EqualityEquality Sincerity HonestySincerity Honesty AwarenessAwareness TrustworthinessTrustworthiness Listening Listening CompassionCompassion Abiding by rulesAbiding by rules

Civility is in the Realm Civility is in the Realm of Ethicsof Ethics

According to Dr. ForniAccording to Dr. Forni Being civil means being constantly Being civil means being constantly

aware of others….”aware of others….” Civility is benevolent and Civility is benevolent and

thoughtful relating to othersthoughtful relating to others Civility includes the well-being of Civility includes the well-being of

our communities, and the our communities, and the Health of the planetHealth of the planet

ExamplesExamples

InterpersonalInterpersonal CommunityCommunity EnvironmentEnvironment

InterpersonalInterpersonal

Please and Thank youPlease and Thank you Lowering our voicesLowering our voices Considering our responseConsidering our response Acknowledging a newcomer to the Acknowledging a newcomer to the

conversationconversation Listening to understand and helpListening to understand and help Acknowledging our mistakesAcknowledging our mistakes Disagreeing with poiseDisagreeing with poise

CommunityCommunity

Welcome a new neighbor Welcome a new neighbor Respect those who differ from usRespect those who differ from us Refuse to participate in gossipRefuse to participate in gossip Raise funds for a neighborhoodRaise funds for a neighborhood Stand on the right of an escalatorStand on the right of an escalator Make new coffee after taking last cupMake new coffee after taking last cup Yield with grace when losing Yield with grace when losing

argumentargument

EnvironmentEnvironment

Proper disposal of pollutantsProper disposal of pollutants Proper disposal of trash left by Proper disposal of trash left by

someone elsesomeone else Following traffic laws (safety, Following traffic laws (safety,

courtesy)courtesy) Kindness to animalsKindness to animals Turning out the lightsTurning out the lights Turning off the faucetTurning off the faucet

Principles and Principles and AssertionAssertion

PrinciplesPrinciples

RelationshipRelationship RespectRespect Self-expressionSelf-expression RestraintRestraint AssertionAssertion

Appeal To The Best in Appeal To The Best in PeoplePeople Building relationshipsBuilding relationships Consider the feelings of othersConsider the feelings of others Consider the comfort of othersConsider the comfort of others Treat others the best way we Treat others the best way we

know howknow how

Respect in ActionRespect in Action

The “everyday practice” of The “everyday practice” of “respect for persons.”“respect for persons.”

““Harmonious and caring Harmonious and caring relationships foster a happy life.”relationships foster a happy life.”

Civility and Self-Civility and Self-ExpressionExpression

““Restraint offers a space between Restraint offers a space between intention and action and the intention and action and the opportunity to protect others from opportunity to protect others from actions or reactions that should actions or reactions that should exist only in your imagination.”exist only in your imagination.”

Stephanie DowrickStephanie Dowrick

RestraintRestraint

““Sometimes we confuse having Sometimes we confuse having fun with being happy.”fun with being happy.”

““Restraint is the art of feeling Restraint is the art of feeling good later”good later”– Do I really want to do this?Do I really want to do this?– Is anybody going to be hurt by this?Is anybody going to be hurt by this?– Will I like having done this?Will I like having done this?

Assertion Message Assertion Message (Robert Bolton, 1982)(Robert Bolton, 1982) Is it in my space?Is it in my space? Using non-polarized (charged, Using non-polarized (charged,

value-laden) words, describe the value-laden) words, describe the behaviorbehavior

And, tell how it made you feelAnd, tell how it made you feel (State the cost/impact, if (State the cost/impact, if

identifiable)identifiable) Repeat, if necessaryRepeat, if necessary

Assertion ExercisesAssertion Exercises

The driver of a car parked next to you The driver of a car parked next to you bumps your doorbumps your door

A presentation runs overA presentation runs over Your boss makes a highly challenging Your boss makes a highly challenging

assignment and you are already busyassignment and you are already busy Your child bounces in your favorite Your child bounces in your favorite

chair until it breakschair until it breaks A group of students are noisy in the A group of students are noisy in the

halls when you are giving a tourhalls when you are giving a tour

RulesRules

In the texts of all religionsIn the texts of all religions Renaissance idealsRenaissance ideals Philosophy worksPhilosophy works Self-help booksSelf-help books Forni condenses these into 25 Forni condenses these into 25

“rules”“rules”

““Top 10”Top 10”

1. Pay Attention1. Pay Attention

Awareness of surroundings, Awareness of surroundings, students colleaguesstudents colleagues

What is or could be happening?What is or could be happening? How will we make it different?How will we make it different?

Ex: Salt shakerEx: Salt shaker

2. Acknowledge 2. Acknowledge OthersOthers We monitor our relationshipsWe monitor our relationships The invisibility game dismisses The invisibility game dismisses

the presence of othersthe presence of others

Ex: Cutting in a lineEx: Cutting in a line

3. Think The Best3. Think The Best

What do we expect?What do we expect? GoodnessGoodness HonestyHonesty Could the young man standing in Could the young man standing in

front of the large home own it?front of the large home own it? Tempered with the realism that Tempered with the realism that

your opinions can changeyour opinions can change

4. Listen4. Listen

How much time do we have for How much time do we have for each other?each other?

Value the messengerValue the messenger– Pay attentionPay attention

Value the messageValue the message– Make sure we understandMake sure we understand

Active ListeningActive Listening

Make listening the goal of the momentMake listening the goal of the moment Demonstrate your attentionDemonstrate your attention

– Eye contactEye contact– ReflectionReflection– RestatementRestatement

Co-operativeCo-operative– Separating prioritiesSeparating priorities– Critical thinking, concluding questionsCritical thinking, concluding questions

6. Speak Kindly6. Speak Kindly

At the heart of civil behaviorAt the heart of civil behavior Improves the lives around usImproves the lives around us Are our words an improvement Are our words an improvement

over silence?over silence? Permit others to speak in turnPermit others to speak in turn Be aware of your non-verbalsBe aware of your non-verbals Never yell at anybody Never yell at anybody Never use profanitiesNever use profanities

7. Don’t Speak Ill7. Don’t Speak Ill

““Nobody ever gossips about other Nobody ever gossips about other people’s secret virtues.” Bertrand people’s secret virtues.” Bertrand RussellRussell

““Politics on campus are so fierce Politics on campus are so fierce because the stakes are so small.” because the stakes are so small.” George Brelsford, Rowan UniversityGeorge Brelsford, Rowan University

Response: Depart, silence, defend, Response: Depart, silence, defend, challengechallenge

11. Mind Your Body11. Mind Your Body

Remember non-verbal communicationRemember non-verbal communication We can offend with our bodiesWe can offend with our bodies Is our cologne a problem?Is our cologne a problem? Keep fingers at a safe distance from Keep fingers at a safe distance from

your mouth, ears and nose.your mouth, ears and nose. Keep your mouth closed when chewingKeep your mouth closed when chewing Never spitNever spit Don’t scratch yourselfDon’t scratch yourself

13. Keep it Down13. Keep it Down(and Rediscover (and Rediscover Silence)Silence)

Thinking about silence as a choice, Thinking about silence as a choice, not as a void waiting to be fillednot as a void waiting to be filled

About preserving another’s peaceAbout preserving another’s peace TV, CD’s, Cell phones, computers, TV, CD’s, Cell phones, computers,

leaf blowers, car horns, leaf blowers, car horns, Places of worship, libraries, Places of worship, libraries,

restaurants, theatersrestaurants, theaters Campus, office, halls, classroomsCampus, office, halls, classrooms

17. Assert Yourself17. Assert Yourself

Expect to be treated in a civil mannerExpect to be treated in a civil manner Saying “no” to someone may be saying Saying “no” to someone may be saying

“yes” to yourself“yes” to yourself

No phrases:No phrases: No, thank you.No, thank you. No, I don’t think that would be a good No, I don’t think that would be a good

idea.idea. No, It’s not what I had in mind.No, It’s not what I had in mind. No, I’m not comfortable with that.No, I’m not comfortable with that.

19. Care for Your 19. Care for Your GuestsGuests Guests need not Guests need not earnearn our hospitality our hospitality What is the ethic of care in our offices?What is the ethic of care in our offices? What expectations do we have of What expectations do we have of

staff?staff? How important are the people we work How important are the people we work

with?with? Guests can feel “at home” when Guests can feel “at home” when

expected to take care of themselves.expected to take care of themselves.

Critical ThinkingCritical Thinking

ArrivalArrival

Is formality suspicious?Is formality suspicious? What is the state of altruism?What is the state of altruism? How prevalent is restraint today?How prevalent is restraint today? Is achievement at odds with Is achievement at odds with

civility?civility? What happens if we wait for What happens if we wait for

civility?civility?

The Rest of the RulesThe Rest of the Rules

5. Be Inclusive5. Be Inclusive

A mindsetA mindset How long have we held our beliefs?How long have we held our beliefs? Choose conversation topics that can Choose conversation topics that can

be enjoyed by allbe enjoyed by all Summarize for a newcomerSummarize for a newcomer Welcome a new neighborWelcome a new neighbor Develop and demonstrate an interest Develop and demonstrate an interest

in other culturesin other cultures

8. Accept and Give 8. Accept and Give PraisePraise A compliment is a gift, accepted with A compliment is a gift, accepted with

thanksthanks Assume that your feelings are Assume that your feelings are

unknownunknown Pass them alongPass them along Word them specifically, with meaningWord them specifically, with meaning Make them sincereMake them sincere Keep them simpleKeep them simple Avoid complimenting appearanceAvoid complimenting appearance

9. Respect Even a 9. Respect Even a Subtle “No”Subtle “No” ““No” can be an answerNo” can be an answer ““No” is not always explicitNo” is not always explicit Avoid using our power to get a Avoid using our power to get a

“yes”“yes” Care enough about others not to Care enough about others not to

make our problem theirsmake our problem theirs

10. Respect Others’ 10. Respect Others’ OpinionsOpinions Tolerate opinions that differ from Tolerate opinions that differ from

ours, give them a fair hearingours, give them a fair hearing Assume that the opinion of others Assume that the opinion of others

may differ from our own (politics)may differ from our own (politics) Attacking an opinion may be Attacking an opinion may be

viewed as a personal attackviewed as a personal attack Is our campus a safe place to Is our campus a safe place to

express an opinion?express an opinion?

12. Be Agreeable12. Be Agreeable

Have regard for othersHave regard for others Look for possibilities of agreementLook for possibilities of agreement Consider that you might be wrongConsider that you might be wrong Admit that you don’t know (or that Admit that you don’t know (or that

you don’t have all the information you don’t have all the information you need)you need)

Practice the art of receivingPractice the art of receiving

14. Respect Other 14. Respect Other People’s TimePeople’s Time

The time of others is as valuable as The time of others is as valuable as yoursyours

Arrive on time, do not hold friends Arrive on time, do not hold friends hostagehostage

Keep telephone calls briefKeep telephone calls brief Use call-waiting sparinglyUse call-waiting sparingly Respect deadlinesRespect deadlines Don’t cut short a scheduled meeting for Don’t cut short a scheduled meeting for

the sake of your conveniencethe sake of your convenience

15. Respect Other 15. Respect Other People’s SpacePeople’s Space

Where is it? Be aware of their reactionWhere is it? Be aware of their reaction Keep touching to a minimumKeep touching to a minimum Ask permission before entering Ask permission before entering No tailgatingNo tailgating Avoid picking up objects and examining Avoid picking up objects and examining

them in a home or officethem in a home or office Avoid reading faxes, computer screensAvoid reading faxes, computer screens Keep your articles off desktops of othersKeep your articles off desktops of others

16. Apologize 16. Apologize EarnestlyEarnestly A sincere apology statementA sincere apology statement

– Identifies what we didIdentifies what we did– Acknowledges it was wrongAcknowledges it was wrong– Conveys that we understand the effectConveys that we understand the effect– Is not an excuseIs not an excuse

It is not a way to explain away It is not a way to explain away inappropriate behaviorinappropriate behavior

It may not be immediately well-It may not be immediately well-receivedreceived

18. Avoid Personal 18. Avoid Personal QuestionsQuestions Exercise discretion, hesitate to askExercise discretion, hesitate to ask Religion, politics, money, relationships, Religion, politics, money, relationships,

health and appearance are privatehealth and appearance are private We can object when privacy is threatenedWe can object when privacy is threatened

– ““I prefer not to discuss personal matters.”I prefer not to discuss personal matters.”– ““This is not the time or place for this This is not the time or place for this

discussion.”discussion.”– ““I don’t feel comfortable talking about this.”I don’t feel comfortable talking about this.”

Avoid volunteering the same informationAvoid volunteering the same information

20. Be a Considerate 20. Be a Considerate GuestGuest Leave your host’s space as Leave your host’s space as

undisturbed as possibleundisturbed as possible Respect your host’s time and Respect your host’s time and

workloadworkload Treat your host’s work space like a Treat your host’s work space like a

homehome We are guests when we stay in a We are guests when we stay in a

hotelhotel

21.21. Think Twice Think Twice Before Asking for Before Asking for FavorsFavors

Questions to askQuestions to ask Do I need to ask this favor?Do I need to ask this favor? Is the favor ethical?Is the favor ethical? Does the favor put a third person at Does the favor put a third person at

a disadvantage?a disadvantage? Would I be comfortable granting the Would I be comfortable granting the

favor?favor? Can I return the favor?Can I return the favor?

22. Refrain from Idle 22. Refrain from Idle ComplaintsComplaints

Avoid chronic complainingAvoid chronic complaining Choose a positive workplaceChoose a positive workplace A civil workplace is good for the A civil workplace is good for the

workersworkers Examine your chronic complaints Examine your chronic complaints

and expunge them at the rate of and expunge them at the rate of one a monthone a month

23.23. Accept and GiveAccept and GiveConstructive Constructive CriticismCriticism

Listen to criticism. Is it valid? It is Listen to criticism. Is it valid? It is probably not abuse. Can we learn probably not abuse. Can we learn about ourselves?about ourselves?

Think about what can be learned Think about what can be learned instead of building defensesinstead of building defenses

Provide criticism to help with a Provide criticism to help with a problem, not to humiliateproblem, not to humiliate

Use assertion techniquesUse assertion techniques ““Sandwich” the messageSandwich” the message

24. Respect the 24. Respect the Environment and be Environment and be Gentle to AnimalsGentle to Animals What is your work-space like?What is your work-space like?

– Free of litterFree of litter– Recycling practicedRecycling practiced– Resources conservedResources conserved

Is there emotional wellness?Is there emotional wellness?– Kindness Kindness – Patience Patience – ReceptionReception

25.25.Don’t Shift Don’t Shift Responsibility and Responsibility and BlameBlame

About the combination of self-About the combination of self-respect and respect for othersrespect and respect for others

Apologies are made without Apologies are made without rationalesrationales

Acknowledge the mistake or Acknowledge the mistake or inappropriate behaviorinappropriate behavior

Remember the assertion exerciseRemember the assertion exercise