the natir january 2011

8/8/2019 The Natir January 2011

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Year I, No. 3

BE SURE TO BE OUR FANON FACEBOOK!

INSIDEOUR

ANNUAL

CHRISTMARAMA-

KUHWANZAISSUE

DECEMBER 2010 p. 4

In this issue:XMAS GIFTS

FOR TEACH-

ERS THAT

GUARANTEE

YOUR BUTT IS

SAVED BEFORE

BREAK

THE NATIRFelix Dies Nativitatis

Our goal at The Natiris to bring you the news in a fresh, yet slightly mentally

challenged fashion. Our team of writers have worked dilligently to make sure that

you, our fellow Ritamen, not only read the news, but feel it, taste it, and oftentimes,

smell it. While you can get your news elsewhere, this is the only source guaranteed to

give you papercuts that will bleed Mustang Red... and hurt your eyes trying to read it.

Watch out

Baffoe didnt

have his coffee

today p. 7

Counselors stumped

on how to tell

Freshman there is no

Santa Claus p. 7

Plethora of holiday

decorations make

Deans office smell

like Xmas, fear p. 7

Several Students Involved in Black Friday

Melee at Mustang Store

Dozens injured in most violent SR incident since

tragic 09 Freshmen Pool Night

by Mike ONeill

left: a frustrated SR sophomore in the parking lot

Several St. Rita students are facing punishment after a melee broke

out in the early-morning hours of Black Friday, the day after

Thanksgiving and traditionally the busiest shopping day of the year

in the United States. Hundreds of people were lined up outside of

the store on Friday, November 26th, for a variety of deals offered that

day.

Witnesses reported that several students began riotingwhen the doors failed to open at 3 AM as advertised. I came all the

way from Merrionette Park for the half-priced Brian Sicher

bobblehead, and all ofa sudden I heard some shouting, said junior

Carl Brown. Before I could get away, I was attacked with one of

those cushions from the couches outside of the main office that kids

sit on when they cut class.

Several people took refuge in the Centennial Museum by

the main office after realizing that most students did not know it

existed. The situation quickly deteriorated when word spread that

the schools library contained books. Seeing an opportunity to gain

ample riot ammunition, the place outside the computer lab that you

cant use your cell phone in was stormed, and shoppers promptly

began throwing the rectangular objects at people in an attempt to

move to the front of the Mustang Store line.

In all, twelve students were held in custody in the deans

office for the remainder of the day. Despite the incident, school

officials appear to be pleased. What happened last Friday was a

tremendous step forward for St. Rita High School, according to a

school official wishing to remain anonymous. Students using books

from the library, as well as people realizing the Centennial Museum

even existed? It cant get much better than that! Unitas!

Campus security hadnt donned its riot gear

before the Black Friday incident since GrandparentsMass

Why doesnt anyone

want to get Mr.

Berry for faculty

Secret Santa? p. 7

Fr. Cooks semester

final exam to include

Russian Roulette

p. 7

Student Government President Liam Hopkins has made

history. To many readers surprise, this history was not made

on the football field, but rather in the field of high school

politics. This past May Liam was the first ever red-head,

affectionately known as ginger, elected Student Government

President in St. Rita history.

Gingers have been made fun of constantly in the

halls of St. Rita since its foundation in 1905. Even Fr. Green

himself was anti-Red.I mean first its the hair, then its

all those freckles, said St. Ritas founder.I am not a fan of

gingers at all. The environment for gingers remained hostile

at St. Rita in the years following.

Hopkins, as a freshman in 2007, immediately

sought out to improve conditions for his people. His student

government victory at the start of the year really turned some

heads. Normal-haired student Matt Mullen recalls, I was

like, That kid? But he isnt like the rest of us I was

shocked. His wins as a sophomore led to more gingers

entering, and winning elections. I owe everything to Liam,

he really paved the way, Johnny Red Johnson says, now a

Junior class representative.

Following the stunning Hopkins victory last May,

Mr. Berry and Mr. Baffoe, gingers who had lived through

the struggle for ginger rights, often being disappointed on so

many levels like going to the beach or talking to women,

could be seen hugging with tears in their eyes. I can

remember my grandmother telling me It will get better.

Change will come, said Baffoe. I never believed her. I

accepted that we were different and would never make

progress.This is just too much for me right now. Whats

important is that Liam Hopkins has given the St. Rita

community a slightly new meaning of red and blue.

SR gingers finally have

their great red HOPE

by Michael Murphy


2/4

The Natir

Local NewsNorth side

of AcademicHallway 45

December 2010 p. 3

South Side 97

Suggestive vocabulary to bebanned from classroomsby Ryan Mulcahy

To combat what the

administration has deemed a

plague of student profanity

around campus, the St. Rita

faculty has been encouraged

to issue stiffer penalties to

students who curse or use

unacceptable language.

But did anyone expect

censoring certain vocabulary

words from the subjects

studied?

Each department came up

with a list of possibly

suggestive vocabulary that

will be removed from the

curriculum just to be on the

safe side.

Teachers have been asked to

use their best judgment on

what should and should not

be used, but there is now a

mandatory list of words and

phrases long used in high school

subjects that will not be used

again.

The list, per department/subject:

Englishdangling participle,

dipthong, homophone, bare

infinitive, syllogism, assonance,

logorrhea

Sciencesacrum,coccyx,flagellate, Uranus, organism

Mathematicsasymptote

Foreign languageall works by

19 c. French author Balzac

Technologyhard drive, floppy

Poor, poor Uranus...

Social StudiesDjibouti,

Titicaca, Cockaleechie,

buttress

Musicpianist

This months DYK?

Did you know... the most common first

name among faculty members is

Mister?

LISTEN UP, PEOPLE! WE AT THE NATIR

LIVE FOR ONE THING AND ONE THINGONLYBACON. OTHER THAN THAT, WE

SORT OF ENJOY ENTERTAINING YOU. IF

YOURE A FAN OF THIS PUBLICATION, DO

US THE COURTESY OF AT LEAST

PRONOUNCING OUR NAME CORRECTLY,

POR FAVOR. ITS NAY-ter, not nuh-

TEER or NAY-teeror Super Awesome

Reading Thing.Mispronouncing our name

makes Brad Dorng cry, and nobody wants

that (even though its quite humorous).

Here are some things that rhyme with

Natir to help you remember:

Crater

Debator

Senior Curtis Bader (11)

Teen idol Ralph Nader

So get it right! Thank you, and Merry

Christmas!Approximately a week post-release, a student from

Brother Rice was suspended by administration at the school,

found to be the editor-in-chief of the RitaLeaks website after

assuming leadership in late 2009. Following the arrest, the

grading website Edline and tuition website F.A.C.T.S both

stopped offering donations from their websites to RitaLeaks.

Later that day, hackers operating under the name RitaStudents

shut down Edline and F.A.C.T.S by overloading them withrequests for money and attempting to steal grades off Edline,

taking them offline for a total of almost 5 hours.

As the student, whose name was not given by the

Brother Rice administration, was taken to his moms minivan by

concerned school authorities, he yelled out,Im only one head!The real leader is still at Rita, not here! Sic semper tyrannus!

Could this mean that the real leader of RitaLeaks is actually

inside theschool itself? If so, many a star athlete and coach maybe sweating off the field and court knowing that certain secrets

are still very vulnerable.

RitaLeaks threatens to cripple

St. Rita reputationby Jack Gardner

Since Thanksgiving break ended, St. Rita

has been abuzz with excitement about the release

of over twenty links about the inner workings of

he St. Rita administration, as well as grades of

ndividual students. A formerly in-school website

only, RitaLeaks was founded back in 2006 as a

ecret-leaking website by a student at St. Rita who

claimed he was a Brother Rice supporter priortohis junior year. He did not return to St. Rita for hisenior year.

Some of the leaks contained confidential

grade information for several top student athletes

at St. Rita,which the administration had tried tokeep private from all students, even those whom

he leaks were concerning. The AthleticDepartment quickly attempted to hush up the

eaked grades, in an effort to protect the sports

eams from losing their valuable athletes, and

basketball coach Gary DeCesare issued an apology

or the leaks, stating that this whole mess was

gahbage.

Another leak confirmed the sale of

Mrs. Deenihans principal seat mentioned in the

previous issue ofThe Natir. In response to the

leak, a high-ranking official who wished to

remain nameless claimed, Its totally false,

[Deenihan] had nothing to do with the

administration at the time of the sale. After

realizing what he had said, he turned and

practically fled from the room, requesting

anonymity so that she wouldnt find him.

Rita officials say they should have known the former

student was not a Ritaman by his terrible haircut.


3/4

a rare photo of SMA, circa 1969Bet you didnt know that Sr. Mary Alice Hoff, junior and senior counselor at St. Rita of Cascia HighSchool, is an ex marine. Before Sr. Mary Alice, also known as Sarge, came to Rita she fought off manyenemies on the battle front. As a matter of fact, she had done so well they promoted her to sergeant.

She started running boot camps and directing troops before she realized it. After war was let out, SMA

found her calling to the sister-hood. When she walked through the doors of nun school, all of the other nuns ranthe other way. She was intimidating because of her war experiences, and came off as a very scary lady. During

her training she actually started a boot camp, helping nuns to become more fr ightening in their schools. ActuallySr. Mary Alice was the mastermind of nuns hitting students with rulers, yes it was her idea. After her years oftraining in the sister hood, Mary Alice had become a nun.

One day while driving her Mustang, Sr. Mary Alice saw St. Rita high school. She walked through thedoors looking to become a teacher. Theprincipal loved Sr. Mary Alices spunky and strict attitude, and hired her

that day. She started out teaching Math to freshmen, and so many kids actually left Rita because they were scaredof her. The school was losing business so Sr. Mary Alice decided she would stop teaching and would become acounselor. Many students feared her when they walked into her off ice, as they sat there shaking. She talkedcollege with students, but mad almost every person cry when they exited her office/dungeon. No one knew thatSr. Mary Alice was an ex marine and ran intense boot camps prior to her career at St. Rita, they thought she was

just a stern person.As the years went on Sr. Mary Alice became known as the most intimidating person who walked thehalls of St. Rita high school. Even Coach Kuska runs the other way when he sees Sister walking down the hall.

Now that Sr. Mary Alices secret is out about her war days, everyone understands why she is so intimidating. She

actually runs Saturday jug, making students do drills as i f they were in boot camp. Sr.Mary Alice is one toughcookie who you dont want to mess with.

THE NATIR DECEMBER 2010 p. 2

I dont know but Ive been told, SMA knows the Ranger

chokeholdby Brad Dorng

Have a question, complaint, or spare change? Send [email protected]

Screw your letters for this issue. They should have gone to Santa. In the true spirit of Christmas, were going to be selfish

and tell you what we want under our trees and in our stockings.

The Natirs Xmas List (the X stands for Xtreme)

For Jesus to return to Earth and beat up Justin Bieber

Bacon

Those pine tree air fresheners for our lockers

An office in Peru so that we can have a missions

collection donated to us

Bacon wrapped shrimp

To know once and for all who really let the dogs outWorld peace in Alsip

Bacon wrapped ice cream

Unlimited wishes

That you learn the difference between THERE, THEIR,

and THEYRE, as well as YOURE and YOUR

Bacon wrapped turkey bacon

Because we believe you should

have feedback, The Natirpresents..

| | |

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mailto:[email protected]:[email protected]:[email protected]:[email protected]


4/4

SR paper football

team gets revengeon Lake Zurich p.8

By Charlie Murphy

As many already know the roof of the

Metrodome in Minneapolis, Minnesota collapsed this

past week. Most chalked it up to seasonal winter

damage. That was until an audio tape was forwarded to

the American media.According to the tape, Al Qaeda has taken

responsibility in the attack. Many people in the

Minneapolis area felt that the collapse was due to heavy

snowfall and cold weather; however, Alan Al Qaeda,

28, of Burbank, IL, and an Islamic extremist disputedthis statement saying that it was in fact sunny and warm

the day of December 12. Not only that, according to

Qaeda, but he and many other Al-Qaeda members took

to the beach for their annual office picnic that very

same day.

Qaeda, a self-described lifelong Bears fanand [Viking QB Brett] Favre hater, proceeded to talk

about the dastardly plan and how many people will get

refunds for the Giants-Vikings game scheduled to take

place that day. According to the tape, it will be a real

mess. The statement was followed by a badly timed

and placed evil laugh. When asked if the destruction of

the Metrodome had anything to do with theunderperformance of Brett Favre this year Mr. Qaeda

said Allah, no! We are taught to treat our elders with

the highest respect..whether they get benched for

Tarvaris Jackson or not or do terrible blue jean

commercials.

As for us Americans we did not seem fazedby this act of terrorism seeing as the problem will be

solved in two to three weeks, and its the Vikings, so

its not a really big deal.

FBI file photo of Qaeda

THE NATIR SPORTSINSIDE: New winter intramural sportFreshman Whitewashing;

Ins ired b Boise St. field SR Water Polo to use ellow ool

AL QAEDA CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY FOR VIKINGS ROOF FIASCO

IHSA rules Jesusineligible due tono resurrection

policy p. 8

4 more chessteam membersarrested p. 8

Best wishes for aMerry Christmasand a New Yearthat gives us tonsmore material tomake fun of fromyour enemies atThe Natir!

Large homeless SR football player taken in

by SR family, but totally unlike that onemovie by Jake SpallinaIn the heart of the Junior class at St. Rita High

School there was a boybetter yeta 6 foot 8

inch, 290 lb. man, by the name of Nick Dachota,or as the student body likes to say Big Nick. Big

Nick came to St. Rita as a freshman just like mostof the other students there. Immediately he

became very involved, excelling in football,

basketball, charity work, and altar serving.

It was as though Big Nick never really

left St. Rita on a daily basis. Always the first one

there in the morning for class, and always the lastone there to leave after football at the end of the

day.Strangely enough, it was truer than

people thought.

One day, a freshman who had always

been intrigued by Big Nick decided to follow

him home after school. There's a big blue shed

next to the football field were all of the football

teams blocking shields and pads are stored when

practice is not being conducted. Quiet and

isolated, it theoretically could be a perfect area to

stay in if someone had nowhere else to go.

The freshman followed Big Nick until

he reached the shed. After the door was closed,the brave young boy approached the door and

knocked, but no answer came from within.The

boy opened the door very slowly to find Big Nick

curled up tight in between two big blue pads withseveral old practice jerseys covering his body

trying his best to stay warm.

The boy, afraid and all, carefully

awoke Big Nick and asked him why he wassleeping in here. With tears in his eyes Big Nick

replied, I don't got anywhere else to go. What

followed was something out of a movie that Icant think of at the moment.

The caring freshman immediately

offered Big Nick a place to stay (without askinghis parents). Big Nick, although hesitant at first,

gradually agreed as to go with the boy. Afterbeing apprehensive at first, the freshmans

parents couldnt help but warm up to Big Nick,

finding him to be a gentle giant with a heart of

gold.

The rest you could almost say ishistory. The two students became inseparable.

Big Nick playing on the field, the young boy

cheering from the sidelines. Big Nick became a

local icon, and his story spread all throughout thecity, then the state, and eventually the country. He

became everyone's success story, receiving a

scholarship to play football at a major Division I

program and being eventually drafted into theNFL by oh, lets say Baltimore. Rumors

abound of a book deal and rights to a film on thestudents remarkable story. Wouldnt that be

great? As great as Warner Bros. not suing The

Natir for copyright infringement?

the natir january 2011

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