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Year I, No. 3
BE SURE TO BE OUR FANON FACEBOOK!
INSIDEOUR
ANNUAL
CHRISTMARAMA-
KUHWANZAISSUE
DECEMBER 2010 p. 4
In this issue:XMAS GIFTS
FOR TEACH-
ERS THAT
GUARANTEE
YOUR BUTT IS
SAVED BEFORE
BREAK
THE NATIRFelix Dies Nativitatis
Our goal at The Natiris to bring you the news in a fresh, yet slightly mentally
challenged fashion. Our team of writers have worked dilligently to make sure that
you, our fellow Ritamen, not only read the news, but feel it, taste it, and oftentimes,
smell it. While you can get your news elsewhere, this is the only source guaranteed to
give you papercuts that will bleed Mustang Red... and hurt your eyes trying to read it.
Watch out
Baffoe didnt
have his coffee
today p. 7
Counselors stumped
on how to tell
Freshman there is no
Santa Claus p. 7
Plethora of holiday
decorations make
Deans office smell
like Xmas, fear p. 7
Several Students Involved in Black Friday
Melee at Mustang Store
Dozens injured in most violent SR incident since
tragic 09 Freshmen Pool Night
by Mike ONeill
left: a frustrated SR sophomore in the parking lot
Several St. Rita students are facing punishment after a melee broke
out in the early-morning hours of Black Friday, the day after
Thanksgiving and traditionally the busiest shopping day of the year
in the United States. Hundreds of people were lined up outside of
the store on Friday, November 26th, for a variety of deals offered that
day.
Witnesses reported that several students began riotingwhen the doors failed to open at 3 AM as advertised. I came all the
way from Merrionette Park for the half-priced Brian Sicher
bobblehead, and all ofa sudden I heard some shouting, said junior
Carl Brown. Before I could get away, I was attacked with one of
those cushions from the couches outside of the main office that kids
sit on when they cut class.
Several people took refuge in the Centennial Museum by
the main office after realizing that most students did not know it
existed. The situation quickly deteriorated when word spread that
the schools library contained books. Seeing an opportunity to gain
ample riot ammunition, the place outside the computer lab that you
cant use your cell phone in was stormed, and shoppers promptly
began throwing the rectangular objects at people in an attempt to
move to the front of the Mustang Store line.
In all, twelve students were held in custody in the deans
office for the remainder of the day. Despite the incident, school
officials appear to be pleased. What happened last Friday was a
tremendous step forward for St. Rita High School, according to a
school official wishing to remain anonymous. Students using books
from the library, as well as people realizing the Centennial Museum
even existed? It cant get much better than that! Unitas!
Campus security hadnt donned its riot gear
before the Black Friday incident since GrandparentsMass
Why doesnt anyone
want to get Mr.
Berry for faculty
Secret Santa? p. 7
Fr. Cooks semester
final exam to include
Russian Roulette
p. 7
Student Government President Liam Hopkins has made
history. To many readers surprise, this history was not made
on the football field, but rather in the field of high school
politics. This past May Liam was the first ever red-head,
affectionately known as ginger, elected Student Government
President in St. Rita history.
Gingers have been made fun of constantly in the
halls of St. Rita since its foundation in 1905. Even Fr. Green
himself was anti-Red.I mean first its the hair, then its
all those freckles, said St. Ritas founder.I am not a fan of
gingers at all. The environment for gingers remained hostile
at St. Rita in the years following.
Hopkins, as a freshman in 2007, immediately
sought out to improve conditions for his people. His student
government victory at the start of the year really turned some
heads. Normal-haired student Matt Mullen recalls, I was
like, That kid? But he isnt like the rest of us I was
shocked. His wins as a sophomore led to more gingers
entering, and winning elections. I owe everything to Liam,
he really paved the way, Johnny Red Johnson says, now a
Junior class representative.
Following the stunning Hopkins victory last May,
Mr. Berry and Mr. Baffoe, gingers who had lived through
the struggle for ginger rights, often being disappointed on so
many levels like going to the beach or talking to women,
could be seen hugging with tears in their eyes. I can
remember my grandmother telling me It will get better.
Change will come, said Baffoe. I never believed her. I
accepted that we were different and would never make
progress.This is just too much for me right now. Whats
important is that Liam Hopkins has given the St. Rita
community a slightly new meaning of red and blue.
SR gingers finally have
their great red HOPE
by Michael Murphy
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The Natir
Local NewsNorth side
of AcademicHallway 45
December 2010 p. 3
South Side 97
Suggestive vocabulary to bebanned from classroomsby Ryan Mulcahy
To combat what the
administration has deemed a
plague of student profanity
around campus, the St. Rita
faculty has been encouraged
to issue stiffer penalties to
students who curse or use
unacceptable language.
But did anyone expect
censoring certain vocabulary
words from the subjects
studied?
Each department came up
with a list of possibly
suggestive vocabulary that
will be removed from the
curriculum just to be on the
safe side.
Teachers have been asked to
use their best judgment on
what should and should not
be used, but there is now a
mandatory list of words and
phrases long used in high school
subjects that will not be used
again.
The list, per department/subject:
Englishdangling participle,
dipthong, homophone, bare
infinitive, syllogism, assonance,
logorrhea
Sciencesacrum,coccyx,flagellate, Uranus, organism
Mathematicsasymptote
Foreign languageall works by
19 c. French author Balzac
Technologyhard drive, floppy
Poor, poor Uranus...
Social StudiesDjibouti,
Titicaca, Cockaleechie,
buttress
Musicpianist
This months DYK?
Did you know... the most common first
name among faculty members is
Mister?
LISTEN UP, PEOPLE! WE AT THE NATIR
LIVE FOR ONE THING AND ONE THINGONLYBACON. OTHER THAN THAT, WE
SORT OF ENJOY ENTERTAINING YOU. IF
YOURE A FAN OF THIS PUBLICATION, DO
US THE COURTESY OF AT LEAST
PRONOUNCING OUR NAME CORRECTLY,
POR FAVOR. ITS NAY-ter, not nuh-
TEER or NAY-teeror Super Awesome
Reading Thing.Mispronouncing our name
makes Brad Dorng cry, and nobody wants
that (even though its quite humorous).
Here are some things that rhyme with
Natir to help you remember:
Crater
Debator
Senior Curtis Bader (11)
Teen idol Ralph Nader
So get it right! Thank you, and Merry
Christmas!Approximately a week post-release, a student from
Brother Rice was suspended by administration at the school,
found to be the editor-in-chief of the RitaLeaks website after
assuming leadership in late 2009. Following the arrest, the
grading website Edline and tuition website F.A.C.T.S both
stopped offering donations from their websites to RitaLeaks.
Later that day, hackers operating under the name RitaStudents
shut down Edline and F.A.C.T.S by overloading them withrequests for money and attempting to steal grades off Edline,
taking them offline for a total of almost 5 hours.
As the student, whose name was not given by the
Brother Rice administration, was taken to his moms minivan by
concerned school authorities, he yelled out,Im only one head!The real leader is still at Rita, not here! Sic semper tyrannus!
Could this mean that the real leader of RitaLeaks is actually
inside theschool itself? If so, many a star athlete and coach maybe sweating off the field and court knowing that certain secrets
are still very vulnerable.
RitaLeaks threatens to cripple
St. Rita reputationby Jack Gardner
Since Thanksgiving break ended, St. Rita
has been abuzz with excitement about the release
of over twenty links about the inner workings of
he St. Rita administration, as well as grades of
ndividual students. A formerly in-school website
only, RitaLeaks was founded back in 2006 as a
ecret-leaking website by a student at St. Rita who
claimed he was a Brother Rice supporter priortohis junior year. He did not return to St. Rita for hisenior year.
Some of the leaks contained confidential
grade information for several top student athletes
at St. Rita,which the administration had tried tokeep private from all students, even those whom
he leaks were concerning. The AthleticDepartment quickly attempted to hush up the
eaked grades, in an effort to protect the sports
eams from losing their valuable athletes, and
basketball coach Gary DeCesare issued an apology
or the leaks, stating that this whole mess was
gahbage.
Another leak confirmed the sale of
Mrs. Deenihans principal seat mentioned in the
previous issue ofThe Natir. In response to the
leak, a high-ranking official who wished to
remain nameless claimed, Its totally false,
[Deenihan] had nothing to do with the
administration at the time of the sale. After
realizing what he had said, he turned and
practically fled from the room, requesting
anonymity so that she wouldnt find him.
Rita officials say they should have known the former
student was not a Ritaman by his terrible haircut.
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a rare photo of SMA, circa 1969Bet you didnt know that Sr. Mary Alice Hoff, junior and senior counselor at St. Rita of Cascia HighSchool, is an ex marine. Before Sr. Mary Alice, also known as Sarge, came to Rita she fought off manyenemies on the battle front. As a matter of fact, she had done so well they promoted her to sergeant.
She started running boot camps and directing troops before she realized it. After war was let out, SMA
found her calling to the sister-hood. When she walked through the doors of nun school, all of the other nuns ranthe other way. She was intimidating because of her war experiences, and came off as a very scary lady. During
her training she actually started a boot camp, helping nuns to become more fr ightening in their schools. ActuallySr. Mary Alice was the mastermind of nuns hitting students with rulers, yes it was her idea. After her years oftraining in the sister hood, Mary Alice had become a nun.
One day while driving her Mustang, Sr. Mary Alice saw St. Rita high school. She walked through thedoors looking to become a teacher. Theprincipal loved Sr. Mary Alices spunky and strict attitude, and hired her
that day. She started out teaching Math to freshmen, and so many kids actually left Rita because they were scaredof her. The school was losing business so Sr. Mary Alice decided she would stop teaching and would become acounselor. Many students feared her when they walked into her off ice, as they sat there shaking. She talkedcollege with students, but mad almost every person cry when they exited her office/dungeon. No one knew thatSr. Mary Alice was an ex marine and ran intense boot camps prior to her career at St. Rita, they thought she was
just a stern person.As the years went on Sr. Mary Alice became known as the most intimidating person who walked thehalls of St. Rita high school. Even Coach Kuska runs the other way when he sees Sister walking down the hall.
Now that Sr. Mary Alices secret is out about her war days, everyone understands why she is so intimidating. She
actually runs Saturday jug, making students do drills as i f they were in boot camp. Sr.Mary Alice is one toughcookie who you dont want to mess with.
THE NATIR DECEMBER 2010 p. 2
I dont know but Ive been told, SMA knows the Ranger
chokeholdby Brad Dorng
Have a question, complaint, or spare change? Send [email protected]
Screw your letters for this issue. They should have gone to Santa. In the true spirit of Christmas, were going to be selfish
and tell you what we want under our trees and in our stockings.
The Natirs Xmas List (the X stands for Xtreme)
For Jesus to return to Earth and beat up Justin Bieber
Bacon
Those pine tree air fresheners for our lockers
An office in Peru so that we can have a missions
collection donated to us
Bacon wrapped shrimp
To know once and for all who really let the dogs outWorld peace in Alsip
Bacon wrapped ice cream
Unlimited wishes
That you learn the difference between THERE, THEIR,
and THEYRE, as well as YOURE and YOUR
Bacon wrapped turkey bacon
Because we believe you should
have feedback, The Natirpresents..
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SR paper football
team gets revengeon Lake Zurich p.8
By Charlie Murphy
As many already know the roof of the
Metrodome in Minneapolis, Minnesota collapsed this
past week. Most chalked it up to seasonal winter
damage. That was until an audio tape was forwarded to
the American media.According to the tape, Al Qaeda has taken
responsibility in the attack. Many people in the
Minneapolis area felt that the collapse was due to heavy
snowfall and cold weather; however, Alan Al Qaeda,
28, of Burbank, IL, and an Islamic extremist disputedthis statement saying that it was in fact sunny and warm
the day of December 12. Not only that, according to
Qaeda, but he and many other Al-Qaeda members took
to the beach for their annual office picnic that very
same day.
Qaeda, a self-described lifelong Bears fanand [Viking QB Brett] Favre hater, proceeded to talk
about the dastardly plan and how many people will get
refunds for the Giants-Vikings game scheduled to take
place that day. According to the tape, it will be a real
mess. The statement was followed by a badly timed
and placed evil laugh. When asked if the destruction of
the Metrodome had anything to do with theunderperformance of Brett Favre this year Mr. Qaeda
said Allah, no! We are taught to treat our elders with
the highest respect..whether they get benched for
Tarvaris Jackson or not or do terrible blue jean
commercials.
As for us Americans we did not seem fazedby this act of terrorism seeing as the problem will be
solved in two to three weeks, and its the Vikings, so
its not a really big deal.
FBI file photo of Qaeda
THE NATIR SPORTSINSIDE: New winter intramural sportFreshman Whitewashing;
Ins ired b Boise St. field SR Water Polo to use ellow ool
AL QAEDA CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY FOR VIKINGS ROOF FIASCO
IHSA rules Jesusineligible due tono resurrection
policy p. 8
4 more chessteam membersarrested p. 8
Best wishes for aMerry Christmasand a New Yearthat gives us tonsmore material tomake fun of fromyour enemies atThe Natir!
Large homeless SR football player taken in
by SR family, but totally unlike that onemovie by Jake SpallinaIn the heart of the Junior class at St. Rita High
School there was a boybetter yeta 6 foot 8
inch, 290 lb. man, by the name of Nick Dachota,or as the student body likes to say Big Nick. Big
Nick came to St. Rita as a freshman just like mostof the other students there. Immediately he
became very involved, excelling in football,
basketball, charity work, and altar serving.
It was as though Big Nick never really
left St. Rita on a daily basis. Always the first one
there in the morning for class, and always the lastone there to leave after football at the end of the
day.Strangely enough, it was truer than
people thought.
One day, a freshman who had always
been intrigued by Big Nick decided to follow
him home after school. There's a big blue shed
next to the football field were all of the football
teams blocking shields and pads are stored when
practice is not being conducted. Quiet and
isolated, it theoretically could be a perfect area to
stay in if someone had nowhere else to go.
The freshman followed Big Nick until
he reached the shed. After the door was closed,the brave young boy approached the door and
knocked, but no answer came from within.The
boy opened the door very slowly to find Big Nick
curled up tight in between two big blue pads withseveral old practice jerseys covering his body
trying his best to stay warm.
The boy, afraid and all, carefully
awoke Big Nick and asked him why he wassleeping in here. With tears in his eyes Big Nick
replied, I don't got anywhere else to go. What
followed was something out of a movie that Icant think of at the moment.
The caring freshman immediately
offered Big Nick a place to stay (without askinghis parents). Big Nick, although hesitant at first,
gradually agreed as to go with the boy. Afterbeing apprehensive at first, the freshmans
parents couldnt help but warm up to Big Nick,
finding him to be a gentle giant with a heart of
gold.
The rest you could almost say ishistory. The two students became inseparable.
Big Nick playing on the field, the young boy
cheering from the sidelines. Big Nick became a
local icon, and his story spread all throughout thecity, then the state, and eventually the country. He
became everyone's success story, receiving a
scholarship to play football at a major Division I
program and being eventually drafted into theNFL by oh, lets say Baltimore. Rumors
abound of a book deal and rights to a film on thestudents remarkable story. Wouldnt that be
great? As great as Warner Bros. not suing The
Natir for copyright infringement?