the gentle art of verbal self defense working with difficult people and improving communication...
DESCRIPTION
Why are we going over this? Answer at the beginning. Why they want to know this? Have you ever felt like you where in a losing conversation? Like you could not get out of the box you talked yourself into? Like you could not talk logically about a topic or explain your point of view to someone? Have you ever been verbally attacked and weren’t sure how to respond?TRANSCRIPT
The Gentle Art of The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Verbal Self DefenseDefense
Working with Difficult PeopleWorking with Difficult People
AndAnd
Improving Communication Improving Communication SkillsSkills
Communication SkillsCommunication Skills
Skill learned in this class are the same Skill learned in this class are the same skills and techniques used in different skills and techniques used in different areas with different goalsareas with different goals
““The most important single The most important single ingredient in the formula of ingredient in the formula of SUCCESS is the knack of SUCCESS is the knack of getting along with people.”getting along with people.”
‘ ‘ Theodore RooseveltTheodore Roosevelt
ScopeScope
Book: The Gentle Art of Verbal Book: The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-defenseSelf-defense
The audio book located on O:\The audio book located on O:\library\audio books\library\audio books\
We are only going to cover a few We are only going to cover a few topics there are more in the book topics there are more in the book and from other resourcesand from other resources
Format of PresentationFormat of Presentation
Present some concepts / ideasPresent some concepts / ideas ““Brainstorm” some real-life work Brainstorm” some real-life work
experiences from the audienceexperiences from the audience Open discussion / questionsOpen discussion / questions
People who can be difficult to People who can be difficult to communicate withcommunicate with
ClientsClients Finance DirectorsFinance Directors Accounting StaffAccounting Staff Council/Board Council/Board
MembersMembers Co-workersCo-workers
SuperiorsSuperiors SubordinatesSubordinates Peers / teammatesPeers / teammates
Why are People Difficult?Why are People Difficult?
People feel:People feel:
Rushed – don’t have enough timeRushed – don’t have enough time InsecureInsecure AngryAngry NervousNervous IllIll
STRESSED!!!!!STRESSED!!!!!
A Difficult Person Can A Difficult Person Can Be….Be….
Hostile-AggressiveHostile-Aggressive Know-It AllKnow-It All Yes-PersonYes-Person WhinerWhiner Never-Say-A-WordNever-Say-A-Word Indecisive StallerIndecisive Staller
Hostile-Aggressive - typeHostile-Aggressive - type
Signs:Signs: Bullies their way toward the results Bullies their way toward the results
they want.they want. Belittles you in front of anyone.Belittles you in front of anyone. Tries to convince you that you are Tries to convince you that you are
doing a poor job when you are doing doing a poor job when you are doing great.great.
Hostile-AggressiveHostile-Aggressive
Dealing with this type:Dealing with this type: Try to get them to sit down.Try to get them to sit down. Don’t back down. Let them vent. Don’t back down. Let them vent.
Don’t take it personally. Step away Don’t take it personally. Step away from the emotion.from the emotion.
Identify their issue.Identify their issue. Explain benefits of your point of view. Explain benefits of your point of view.
Express your side in factual terms.Express your side in factual terms. Allow aggressor to “save face.”Allow aggressor to “save face.”
The Know-It-All - typeThe Know-It-All - type
Signs:Signs: Controls people and events by Controls people and events by
dominating conversations with dominating conversations with lengthy, imperious arguments.lengthy, imperious arguments.
Tries to find flaws in everything.Tries to find flaws in everything.
The Know-It-AllThe Know-It-All
Dealing with this type:Dealing with this type: Know your facts. Be prepared.Know your facts. Be prepared. Listen carefully and paraphrase the Listen carefully and paraphrase the
main points.main points. Use questions to raise issues.Use questions to raise issues. If necessary, subordinate yourself to If necessary, subordinate yourself to
avoid static and commit yourself to avoid static and commit yourself to building a more equal relationship in building a more equal relationship in the future.the future.
The Yes-Person - typeThe Yes-Person - type
Signs:Signs: Answers “Yes” to every request Answers “Yes” to every request
without thinking about what is being without thinking about what is being promised.promised.
Seeks approval and avoids Seeks approval and avoids disapproval.disapproval.
And even if all the promises can be And even if all the promises can be kept, the Yes-Person no longer has a kept, the Yes-Person no longer has a life!life!
The Yes-PersonThe Yes-Person
Dealing with this type:Dealing with this type: Work to get the underlying issues.Work to get the underlying issues. Tell how much you value them as Tell how much you value them as
people.people. Give them permission to say “No.”Give them permission to say “No.” Listen to their humor – hidden Listen to their humor – hidden
messages?messages?
The Whiner - typeThe Whiner - type
Signs:Signs: Avoids taking responsibility.Avoids taking responsibility. Wants sympathy.Wants sympathy. Has negative view of the world.Has negative view of the world. It’s important for these people to get It’s important for these people to get
their opinions across. If you ignore their opinions across. If you ignore them, they increase their protests.them, they increase their protests.
The WhinerThe Whiner
Dealing with this type:Dealing with this type: Don’t respond if they are blaming you. Don’t respond if they are blaming you.
Don’t sympathize if they are at fault.Don’t sympathize if they are at fault. Make a list of all complaints from Make a list of all complaints from
constant complainers before you discuss constant complainers before you discuss problem.problem.
Make sure the facts are correct.Make sure the facts are correct. Make the Whiner propose solutions on Make the Whiner propose solutions on
how they can fix the problem.how they can fix the problem.
The Never-Say-A-Word - The Never-Say-A-Word - typetype
Signs:Signs: Timid, uncomfortable and uncertain.Timid, uncomfortable and uncertain. Wants to avoid conflict or hurting Wants to avoid conflict or hurting
anyone.anyone. Often feels angry because “the wrong Often feels angry because “the wrong
decision was made.”decision was made.” Some can’t relate authentically or Some can’t relate authentically or
speak honestly.speak honestly.
The Never-Say-A-WordThe Never-Say-A-Word
Dealing with this type:Dealing with this type: Try to draw them out about topics that Try to draw them out about topics that
are non-threatening.are non-threatening. Ask open-ended questions.Ask open-ended questions. Wait for a response – calmly.Wait for a response – calmly.
(Don’t fill the silence with your (Don’t fill the silence with your chatter.)chatter.)
If you get no response, comment on If you get no response, comment on what’s happening.what’s happening.
The Indecisive Staller - The Indecisive Staller - typetype
Signs:Signs: Could be an overwhelmed “Yes-Could be an overwhelmed “Yes-
Person.”Person.” Could be a procrastinator.Could be a procrastinator. Doesn’t organize or prioritize work.Doesn’t organize or prioritize work.
The Indecisive StallerThe Indecisive Staller
Dealing with this type:Dealing with this type: Help document their goals and Help document their goals and
deadlines.deadlines. Listen for indirect words, hesitations.Listen for indirect words, hesitations. Ask them how you can help them Ask them how you can help them
achieve their goals.achieve their goals. Follow up on intermediate deadlines. Follow up on intermediate deadlines.
Hold them to the deadlines.Hold them to the deadlines. Make it easy for them to tell you what Make it easy for them to tell you what
is preventing their action.is preventing their action.
Two Types of Verbal Two Types of Verbal AbuseAbuse
Open AttackOpen Attack ShoutingShouting InsultingInsulting Blaming / Blaming /
AccusatoryAccusatory
Verbal Attack Verbal Attack PatternsPatterns BaitBait PresuppositionPresupposition
Your ReactionYour Reaction
Maslow’s Stimulus - ResponseMaslow’s Stimulus - Response
Reaction - ChoiceReaction - Choice
Between stimulus and response there is Between stimulus and response there is choicechoice
““Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it”how you react to it”
The choice we make can either de-escalate The choice we make can either de-escalate or escalate the issue or the problemor escalate the issue or the problem
How to React to ConflictHow to React to Conflict
Do not take their words or Do not take their words or behaviors PERSONALLY.behaviors PERSONALLY.
Monitor yourself.Monitor yourself. Think before you react or speak.Think before you react or speak. Choose words carefully.Choose words carefully. Choose your battles.Choose your battles.
How to React to ConflictHow to React to Conflict
Ignore the bait.Ignore the bait. Respond directly to the attack Respond directly to the attack
(hidden or apparent).(hidden or apparent). Transmit this message: “Don’t try Transmit this message: “Don’t try
that with me – I won’t play that that with me – I won’t play that game.game.
PerspectivePerspective
Look at the lens you look at the Look at the lens you look at the problem through; communication is problem through; communication is bi-directionalbi-directional Speaker has an image (perspective)Speaker has an image (perspective) Listener has an image (perspective)Listener has an image (perspective)
UnderstandingUnderstanding
First work to understand then to be First work to understand then to be understoodunderstood
Be clear about what is to be done.Be clear about what is to be done. Be clear about who is to do it.Be clear about who is to do it.
Win/WinWin/Win Frame of mind and heart that constantly Frame of mind and heart that constantly
seeks mutual benefit in all human seeks mutual benefit in all human interactionsinteractions
Agreements are mutually beneficialAgreements are mutually beneficial All parties are in agreement and can take All parties are in agreement and can take
actionaction Sees life as cooperative not competitiveSees life as cooperative not competitive Success is not achieved at the expense or Success is not achieved at the expense or
exclusion of othersexclusion of others Belief in the Third Alternative (a better way)Belief in the Third Alternative (a better way)
REMEMBER!!!REMEMBER!!!
You never have to deal with conflict You never have to deal with conflict alone.alone.
It is alright to vent.It is alright to vent. Talk to someone if you feel Talk to someone if you feel
overwhelmed by the conflict.overwhelmed by the conflict. Don’t be afraid to ask for input or Don’t be afraid to ask for input or
assistance.assistance. Start with your circle of influence - Start with your circle of influence -
youyou
OPEN DISUSSIONOPEN DISUSSION
Real-life examplesReal-life examplesQuestionsQuestions