58 (Y)Ears of Telling It Like It Isn’t!

The Convention Ear Thursday, July 26, 2018 Volume LIX, Issue III 25 Hour Convention Coverage

Attention! The Sprinkler Conference of Landscap-ing has a quick announcement to the NJCL attendees concerning the sprin-kler schedule: sprinklers will promptly start spraying immediately before and after every meal as well as between all Ludi events and testing sessions. The sprinklers’ intended coverage is every sidewalk on Miami University’s cam-pus. These sprinklers are very im-portant to the fragile ecosystem here in Oxford. Without them, the red brick buildings will not be able to grow, and the existing ones will turn brown and die. Please do not walk on the side-walks while sprinklers are watering them. Additional reminder: do not walk on the grass either, and only walk in

The Ear "regrets" our apparent error in formatting yesterday's personals. We have been instructed by the man in question, Mr. Dennis Webb, to inform you that contrary to the lack of indentation on page seven, Dennis Webb is completely and totally not an undefeated rice eating champion since 1966. This was a “regrettable” error on our part and is not meant to imply that Dennis Webb of LJCL has never before been beaten in a rice eating competition especially in the western dining commons. If you go to such a place around noon today there is no way that you will find Dennis Webb of Louisiana com-pletely decimating any and all challengers that approach him with hopeful bowls of rice. Dennis Webb does not in fact have a tattoo that says "No Rice, No Life" across his chest. Dennis Webb has reminded us that the accompanying photo is, in fact, not real.

Introducing the Official NJCL Cryptocurrency: JCoinL In a groundbreaking partnership with the Accounting Camp, the NJCL has established its own cryptocurrency named JCoinL. Mined from a very snazzy network of cer-tamen machines, JCoinL will replace all other forms of payment for your convention needs: key card replace-ments, SCL shirts, paying back your parents after being sent home at their expense, and more! Interested in purchasing JCoinL? Please have your cash, your parents’ credit card information, and your social security numbers ready, and our team of friendly SCLers will gladly assist you. (Note: The value of JCoinL is sub-ject to rapid change due to events running late or par-ticularly annoying weather.)

New Discovery in Oxford, Ohio Sheds Light on American Classical League’s Secret Past

You may have noticed the colossal amount of corn around Miami University on your drive into Oxford. One of these very corn fields served as the venue for the Olympika marathon, and it was during this very marathon that an unsuspecting JCLer, having wandered off the course and into this historic corn field, discov-ered an ancient document detailing the little-known history of the ACL. In this telling expose, the SCL will reveal the true and shocking origins of the ACL and JCL.

Let’s take a trip into the pre-single-clap (Earchives. The American Corn League (ACL) was found-ed in Ohio, deep in the heart of the Corn Belt, in the late 19th century by corn farmers seeking community and companionship. Their junior level affiliates com-prised the Junior Corn League (JCL), the members of which were appropriately called “children of the corn.” The organization and its bountiful harvest thrived for many years.

In 1927, the American Corn League moved to New York City in an attempt to expand, but a shortage of local corn-growing New Yorkers forced the ACL to rebrand itself around the Classics in order to appeal to the community of classicists. As years passed, the corn-based origin story of the American Classical League faded from the memories of most members. Neverthe-less, every 10-15 years, the NJCL comes back to Ohio to celebrate and honor its roots in the local corn com-munity and to re-inspire generations of young corn en-thusiasts.

Many important facets of the American Corn League were recorded in this document, including the original JCL Crest and Song. Below are the original lyr-ics to the JCL - Junior Corn League - Song. We immor-talize them in this Ear for posterity:

Seeking the best, the highest of stalks, working

to harvest our acres of crops, searching the fields for the golden corn, we follow the corn, TRUTH IS CORN. / In height and girth and tastiness it’s growing ev’ry day. The friendly hand of JCL tends to all the maize. / Through fields of corn we’re plowing on with every new corn seed, and forever we’ll hold to our corn stalks of gold, we’re the Junior Cooooorn League! With the storied past of the JCL in mind, the NJCL Board has unanimously decided that these origi-nal lyrics will be sung today in the General Assembly.

Prior to Current Behavior Issues, Delegate Remained a Teen for at Least 65 Years

JCLer Marty McFly of California was sent home at his parents’ expense today. The delegate, dressed in suspiciously vintage 80’s clothing, was trying to plead his case to the National Committee, stating he was from the past and sent here to save the future.

The culprit was caught riding a pink hoverboard stolen from a child visiting campus for Accounting

Camp and was trying to outrun Academic Contest Chair David Jackson, who had earlier in the week explicitly explained the ban on skateboards, roller-skates, and hoverboards during the first general assembly.

Unfortunately, McFly was not accustomed to the 2018 style of hoverboards, mumbling under his breath while being taken into custody that he was much more familiar with the 2015 Hill Valley model. While trying to make a turn, he lost balance and fell right into the hands of Jackson, who was already closing in. The hoverboard could not be salvaged ,but McFly’s state chair, Emmet Brown, Ph.D., has agreed to pay for a re-placement hoverboard and volunteered to drive the delinquent home in his own 1981 DeLorean.

This was the fourth convention for which a Marty McFly had registered, the previous three being 2015 at Trinity University, 1985 at the University of New Hampshire, and 1955 at Iowa State Teachers Col-lege.

Competitive Certamen Scores and Rankings After Round 3

NOVICE INTERMEDIATE ADVANCED

NOVICE

1. FLORIDA

2. MASSACHUSETTS

3. D.C.

4. TEXAS

5. VIRGINIA

6. NEW HAMPSHIRE

7. ILLINOIS

8. CALIFORNIA

9. OHIO

The National Senior Classical

League will be collecting dona-

tions to its scholarship funds as

you enter That’s Entertainment!

tonight. Any checks should be

made payable to “NSCL Scholar-

ship.” We love cash too, including

spare change, but no bills over

$100, please. ☺ We hope you’ll

come to That’s Entertainment!

prepared to help those who try

very hard to make your conven-

tion just a little more fun. Thank

you so much!

INTERMEDIATE

1. WISCONSIN

2. ILLINOIS

3. TEXAS

4. GEORGIA

5. FLORIDA

6. MASSACHUSETTS

7. N.H. / VIRGINIA

8. N.H. / VIRGINIA

9. OHIO

ADVANCED

1. VIRGINIA

2. FLORIDA

3. MASSACHUSETTS

4. TEXAS

5. WISCONSIN

6. NEW HAMPSHIRE

7. OHIO

8. GEORGIA

9. ILLINOIS

SEMIFINAL SEEDS

SEMIFINAL ROOMS

Shoutout to Mr. Webb, the uncontested, undeniable 2017 rice-eating champion, the camera of the JCL, and the very last of the Dennisaurs! Love, Timmy Tom, Jade, and Ana [Editor’s Note: there is a picture of a dinosaur with a top hat in the corner] Dear JCLers, We’re sorry. No matter how much we insist on calling them “sum-beans,” the farmers are bent on sticking with “soy-beans.” We think our Spanish friends have won this time. -ND delegation Dear JCLers, 2019 Convention Tip: If you need a friend so you don’t walk alone in the dark, find some wheat. It’s good at “stalking.” -ND delegation Olivia, Lily, and Lance, I hope you are enjoying this convention. You all have ac-complished so much this year and I am extremely proud. Bonam fortunam. -Miss Krowiarz Larissa & John, I’m glad you were able to attend convention this year. I am proud of your hard work and dedication through a difficult year. Bonam fortunam! -Miss Krowiarz Cy, Nermeen, and Daniel: Thank you for making me so proud time and time again. You have made my years at PT so special. As much as it hurts to move on, I hope to see you all here next year crushing the competition from the Florida side. -SMC If your middle name is Faith, meet Nebraska after General Assembly. We have a prize for you. Magistri and Magistrae of Indiana: Thank you for taking this East Coast girl and welcoming her with open arms into your Midwestern family. You have taught me so much, even if my students always crushed yours in Certamen. I may be moving on, but know that you will always be my first JCLoves (after Ben Johnson, of course)! -Obnoxious Chair Thank you, Mrs. Pearlman!! Congratulations on your retire-ment!! Love, NJJCL Megan - Congratulations on being elected state chair! With this dollar, I could have bought my tertiary member-ship. #tertiaryresistance Sturgill: Podiumbook Schmodiumbook #ImpromptuPodium Is Jeff actually Australian? Hane Train. Dear Mr. Dan, Thank you for driving our injured selves around campus in the NJCL Express! -Kashi (VA) and Anushree (MA) To whom it may concern (Even Brandon from Alabama): You have a secret admirer from the Tennessee delega-tion… You know who I am… -Dr. Dazzle To the SCLer who wrote the GA etiquette article, you de-serve 1 clap for that quality content. XD Let it be known that the items called “pamphlets,” “schedules” or “programs” shall hereby be referred to as “thicc boiz” *dab out* -Anonymous MA & NC delegates Does ANYONE know if the Florida president is single? To the Madden Mirabiles- Thank you so much for your dedication and hard work in making Nationals a meaningful experience in your lives. I commend your efforts. Have fun! Love ya!

Marwan, Do you love me? Say you’re never gonna leave from be-side me? Cus we want you & we need you… And we’re down for you. Always, Ogre Thumb and Company Looking for Mary Margaret form Virginia. Responds to: “AAAHHH!!!” Keeps an EYE out for Wisconsin hooligans. If found, please return to WJCL. The puella reading this. To the random fangirl who submitted the personal yester-day, I’m touched. HMU on insta @certaminator. Side note: I’ll be signing autographs through the end of convention. -Ethan “The Certaminator” Ream LJCL, I am proud to have been a part of you since 1966. Dennis Attention: St. John Berchman’s Catholic School in Shreve-port, LA is looking for a full-time Latin teacher for grades 3-8. Their high school, Loyola College Prep., has a JCL chapter. For the best bunch of ---meme--- SCJCLers! Enjoy your days! Cum amore, JV. I’m so glad that I have one dollar to submit a personal at the NJCL Office, Armstrong Center room 1082 I would like to request FEWER kids, but indeed MORE rats. Thank you.

Personals

Will Snider, It is your sworn duty to continue “cruisin’ for a bruisin’.” Love, Your Adoring Family Danny - Thanks for your constant support and being so willing to spend a week here chaperoning. Te amo! -JL Amor viri tredecim annos Bering, Chris, Emma, Gray, and Will - Thanks for being such a great group of JCLers. Vos amamus! - Danny ICE, Parva Situlaque A: Happy anniversary! I didn’t wear my blue shirt, but let’s watch the Odyssey together. #JCLove, B Bart: You are my platonic JCL soulmate. I’m so glad that Natalya introduced us at IU, and we’ve spent these past few years together. Please come back. I cannot imagine nationals without you. All my love, Bee … Slime Man Ms. Glenn, Thank you for being the best teacher any of us could ask for. You inspire us all to be better, and we appreciate all your love and support. With love, Edgewood JCL BOAT 4 RUDY For the best memes any JCLer could ask for follow @Nero_is_lit on Instagram Mrs. Sims: I’m going to miss you so much!! - Emily Grant: You are the light of my life, the Apollo to my Diana. BFF! -Lilly Missed connection: I was the MN delegate going to get dinner. You were the sludge on the manhole covers outside of Martin Dining Hall. We only had a brief interaction but your mysterious nature is enthralling. I can’t seem to get you off my mind or my shoes. -E.M.B. Shout out to Hilary Cheney for an awesome NSCL t-shirt design! There’s a really attractive guy from Texas who wears Crocs. I’ve talked to him once or twice and I hope he meets me outside That’s Entertainment. I’ll be wearing a blue dress. There’s this cute guy from Texas who wears a Texas hat and funky socks. I’ve watched from afar, and trust me, I LOVE what I see, more to come … ;) To the WISCO squad- We found Will!!! MM from VA To Mike “Cookie” Howard and Massachusetts, Thanks for welcoming all us Floridians to your state over the years - cheers to more clicks in HQ! Dear Ber Ber, We will pay you $5 if you know what phascolarctus means. No cheating! -The Girls Kady, Walton, and Yams Your old family misses you. Feel free to stop by and have a nice meal with us sometime. On the subject of starcrossed air drops “This is so sad. Muse, sing to me of the rage of Achilles son of Peleus which-” -Alphonso’s owner #JUSTICEFORTERTS

Are you tired of inferior transportation modules for your Certamen machine? Do you wish that you had a safe, stur-dy, and snazzy method for carrying, storing, and using your very expensive Quiz Wizard II? Have we got a deal for you! Stop by the Crown Point Agora table on the main level to see an amazing handcrafted masterpiece custom-made for Certamen machines. E, Maybe someday, but not this year. -G I’m so glad that I have one dollar to submit a personal at the NJCL Office, Armstrong Center room 1082.

You: Beauty in the nametag with the red dot Me: Guy in the nametag with the blue dot wishing we could eat together. Skyler and Carley, I am so proud of the leaders you have become. I can’t wait to see where life takes you both. Laci

Personals

JCL. Frisbee. Three-Story Red Brick Buildings. Everything.

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