the 5 silent killers of a relationship and the strategies to … · 2018-06-06 · the 5 silent...

The 5 Silent Killers of a Relationship and the Strategies to Address Them

D E V E L O P I N G A N E X T R A O R D I N A R Y R E L A T I O N S H I P

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Suppressed Conversations

Weaponized Messages

Praise

Presence

Self-Awareness & Self-Deception

The 5 Silent Killers of a Relationship

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like a 3-year-old because you put your toothbrush in their holder… Those really surprising displays of outbursts that don’t match the magnitude of a particular situation but leave you in a state of bewildered, confused shock. In many cases, what often occurs was their attempt to suppress the negative emotions associated with these resistances/perceived injustices. The longer these go unaddressed and continue to be focused on by one of you, they begin to develop as resentments.

When multiple resentments occur, they begin to act like vicious cancers of storytelling in our mind (not the happy ending story kind). These are the stories that are made up in our minds but sound a lot like the wicked witch of west taking over the world or the evil blood-sucking vampire out to kill us all. These stories we tell ourselves, are self-deceptions that inhibit our ability to see and feel with our heart, robbing the very soul in our relationship. This leads to the loss of joy, happiness, intimacy, growth, and passion in the relationship. Once this occurs enough times the relationship begins to enter “retirement.”

Often in relationships, the discussions that are not had, turn out to be some of the most dangerous and deadly. In all relationships, at one point OR several… we will undoubtedly experience these little resistances with our partner. They are typically comprised of something that was said, something that was done or an expectation that was not fulfilled. Resistances are typically characterized as smaller, inner conflicts felt within us when a perceived expectation was not met. Have you had a partner or significant other make some weird comment or didn’t respond the way you hoped they would or maybe didn’t respond at all and you thought – “Ewww… I don’t like that…” or “That rubbed me the wrong way…” That is a resistance!

Many times, we just suppress these little resistances and do not talk about them openly with our partner, usually out of fear of what our partner might say, what he/she might do or how they will react. Other times, we rationalize not having a conversation about it because we don’t have “the energy to deal with it right now”. While I’m not advising that all of these conversations should happen at the moment, I am advising they need to occur to kill the demon before it grows.

Here’s where the downside is… When we let these resistances build up and stockpile within us, they begin to create resentments. This is when you will start to experience forms of anger around much smaller issues. You know… the one where your partner seems to jump out of their skin and throw a tantrum

Suppressed Conversations

RESISTANCES LEAD TO RESENTMENTS WHICH LEAD TO RETIREMENT WHICH LEADS TO “GAME OVER HONEY…”

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What do you do?After coaching many relationships, one of the healthiest practices is to set a dedicated time per week to do what I call a “Check-In”. During these “check-in’s”, one of the exercises permits partners to openly discuss those very resistances without blame or judgment. The approach is to play the hero that kills the monster in the story before it grows up and fulfills its destiny… do you follow?

The weekly “Check-In” is a designed strategy to not only enable understanding but also learning and appreciation. This is the most important time that is set aside each week for partners to “work on” the relationship rather than “work in” the relationship. If you want to be intentional about having an extraordinary relationship (which you should), you have to carve out specific time to “work on” the relationship not just be in it.

IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT CHECK-INS

These conversations are without blame or judgment.

They are meant to provoke sharing and discovery around

how the resistance formed, what was interpreted (what it

meant), and what we could learn from it.


THE CHECK-IN PROCESS

1. STATE CHECK

First, partners check their own state and then each other’s state

before they start. If you or your partner are not in a state that is

vulnerable and filled with empathy, appreciation and ready to

learn then don’t start. Get there first, this is a must! If not, wait,

and come back to it in a few minutes when you or your partner

gets there. Working on the relationship (learning and strategy) is

much more important than working in the relationship (practice

and execution). This cannot be overstated – this needs to be

taken with great care and appreciation which requires you to

show up in a state that is congruent in your heart, mind, body,

and soul. Your state filters your emotions, the meaning that you

make of things, your language and your actions so you must be

very mindful and thoughtful of this before you start. Everyone

has started out a conversation with someone in the past and

you knew it was going to fail before it got started and that was

because the state that was needed was absent.

2. WINS

Start off by talking about the wins in the relationship for the past

week. These can be things like: how a situation was handled

in the relationship, something you discussed together and got

resolved or how a difficult decision was made together. This is

designed to be a momentum builder… so build some!

3. APPRECIATION

Share something that you learned about your partner this week that

you loved, adored or appreciated.

4. HONESTY

Each partner takes turns sharing the answers to the following

questions:

On a scale of 1-10 (1 = worst, 10 = best) how did I do as your partner

this week?

(Many couples who are very intentional will opt to do this daily too).

What are the 2 or 3 things I can do for you right now, in the next few

days or just maybe to be mindful of to move that number to a 10?

(If of course, the answer was less than 10)

5. LOVE

End the conversation with what each of you love most about each

other, what you appreciated about the conversation and what

you learned about your partner. If you do this last part, the next

conversation and the one after that will become easier and easier

and easier and…. you get the point. The first conversation may take

longer but each one gets shorter and easier! Trust me, it’s worth it!

You are worth it! And your relationship is worth it!



Your GoalYour goal is to find the emotional imprint left and the exchange of

emotional capital along with the clarity and perspective on “what” and

“why” it triggered you. Otherwise, you will both make assumptions

about the intentions of the other which may unintentionally lay the

foundation for bitterness and resentment. The truth lies somewhere

deeper, where you haven’t explored yet and when you both discover

it, it will bring you closer.

The partner listening must listen with their heart. They must not

process the words said for meaning. When we use our mind to

listen we are utilizing the wrong set of tools in this sequence. The

tools of rationalization and logic – these will come in a minute so just

hold on…

When we use our heart to truly listen, we are listening through the

filters of empathy, gratitude, and love. When we listen to another

with our heart FIRST, with the intent to feel that feeling (replicate it

in ourselves) FIRST, we can then begin to access the logic centers of

our brain to solve the problem. Do not attempt to solve the problem

before feeling it first. Replicating the feeling gives us the context we

need to contribute to the discovery. Without context, you lose the

curiosity that is required to discover deeper and you end up jumping

straight to the problem-solving mode. The solve will happen so just

be patient amigos and let it come to the surface…it will.

Step 4 is where truly honest conversations have to happen. The partner doing the talking should lay out the feeling they had and the thoughts that ran through their mind, in a vulnerable, honest and heartfelt manner. It is okay if you felt slighted, unheard, unloved or unsupported. What is most important here is the art of expressing what you felt when the circumstance occurred.

A helpful tool in your communication should include the following: “I noticed I had a feeling of “X” “AND” I observed or perceived “Y” “AND” I had these thoughts...” DO NOT use “because” or “when” use “AND”.

This is so we frame it without blame, judgment or protrude association. These are not statements of your story around them but as the raw and unfiltered truth of these three things. You want to discover and interrogate the linkage between these things and associations to your beliefs together. That’s the point of the exercise. The reason is we all have our own set of rules around our beliefs and this is one way to find them. As you discover them, it does not only become beneficial for you but your partner at the same time… follow?

Also, a major DO NOT DO: “You did X to me and that was wrong because…” This is NO BUENO! You are flagged for targeting and thrown out of the game! Play by the rules.

Honest Conversations



Fight or Flight ResponsesThere are a few different forms of messages that I refer to as “weaponized” messages. These messages, when used, are dangerous and have an explosive capability to destroy your relationship. Needless to say, these messages can be interpreted with a negative reception and meaning even when our intention is positive.

When I hear others explain what they heard, I will often hear phrases like, there seems to be an “ulterior motive”, he/she has a “hidden agenda” or “they said this but they really mean this” or “they really just said this to me in what they said”. Coming up next are types of weaponized messages that I’m sure we have all heard once or twice at some point in our lives. These are incredibly destructive and will cause major damage not to mention a negative emotional wake.

Do NOT play with these weapons, they are not for children or for you.

Your Emotional WakeIn every conversation we are having with our partner, we are either contributing emotional capital or taking it away. In every conversation, this exchange of emotional capital leaves a wake in our partners’ minds and hearts (the thoughts, feelings, and emotions), that can be profound and continue for years or even a lifetime. The old saying that people will forget what you said and what you did, but they will NEVER forget how you made them feel…. Yep. I found out those guys knew what they were talking about! These are the feelings, emotions, and meanings that we attach to a conversation or experience. We remember them vividly and carry them with us throughout the relationship. These can be positive wakes or negative wakes. As such, couples must learn to take personal responsibility for our own respective emotional wakes they are making in the relationship.

Our ability to truly connect with our partner at the deepest level requires skillful, courageous and authentic, heartfelt dialogue. However, many couples go through their relationships with unconscious dialogue. This means that the dialogue lacks true listening and collaboration, the courage to sustain the practice and the ability to connect on a genuine emotional level with one another. Couples who practice courageous and authentic, heartfelt dialogue have a solid foundation to build an extraordinary relationship.

Weaponized Messages

OUR ABILITY TO CONNECT WITH OUR PARTNER REQUIRES SKILLFUL AND AUTHENTIC DIALOGUE...



CHEMICAL WEAPON

This is when we attach a seemingly small thing to the global weight

of the world such as: “You don’t love me now and I don’t think you

ever have” or “this is how every relationship is ruined right here.”

Message felt: “Is this how they have always felt about me?”

Really?? Does the word “extreme” ring a bell??

NUCLEAR THREAT

This is when a verbal threat of abandonment is made such as: “If you

do this one more time, I am out of here” or “give me your cell phone,

I don’t trust you and if I can’t trust you then I am leaving”.

Message felt: “They are going to leave.”

As long as your partner has their hand on “the button” you will be

living in fear – get out. Don’t ever, ever, EVER threaten to leave a

relationship. You will set an intention in motion that you can’t get

back. If you are contemplating leaving, don’t threaten, just leave.

PELLET GUN

This is when you exaggerate and make things larger than they really

are such as: “You always do this to me” or “You have never once

appreciated me for anything,” or “You have done this 1,000 times” or

“You ALWAYS do this.”

Message felt: “That hurt dammit!”

No one is “ALWAYS” or a “100%” or “NEVER” so stop shooting pellets

at people… You’ll just piss them off!

SHOTGUN IN THE BACK

This is when a partner in the relationship blames the other for a

circumstance or experience. This sounds like something along

these lines: “this whole thing is your fault” or “you have ruined

everything.”

Message felt: “You don’t have my back on anything, I thought we

were in this together.”

If you don’t know what Blue on Blue is – look it up! You don’t ever,

ever, ever fire on a teammate.

KNIFE THROWING

This is when a partner labels their partner such as: “You are

such an asshole” or “You are an inconsiderate piece of SH*T” or

“You are a liar!”

Message felt: “You just stabbed me in the heart!”

Seriously…. Name calling??? Really? You are not in the 1st grade.

and if you are, then I’m going to flunk you right now!

TEAR GAS

This is when a partner uses irony to convey their contempt such

examples include: “Here she is again, miss punctual” or “Oh, that’s

a brilliant comment” or “Well, aren’t you so smart.”

Message Felt: “That is so damn irritating, you smart-ass mother

fu***er.”

When that smoke cloud clears... This will not end well for you...

just sayin.

TYPES OF WEAPONIZED MESSAGES



CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE

This is when a partner’s intelligence is dismissed as inferiority in a

conversation such as: “You don’t make any sense at all” or “You just

don’t get it” or “I know you won’t be able to handle it” or “Why don’t

you do what’s right”

Message felt: “I’m not good enough/smart enough.”

Hey, smarty pants… This most likely doesn’t require Mi6 approval

and you certainly are no 007 – get over yourself.

TIME BOMB

This is when a partner saves grievances until the proverbial sack is

too full and explodes with old hostilities such as: “This is exactly

like the time when you did…” or “This is just like when you did this

to me.”

Message felt: “I just keep getting attacked.”

This is just downright dirty and wrong. If you want to keep score,

go play somewhere else, this is not for any meaningful relationship.

WATER BALLOON

This is when a partner makes disparaging comments in public

and then try to pass it off as funny such as: “My honey has all the

answers, don’t you honey” or “She definitely believes she’s gifted”.

Message felt: “Embarrassment and shame”

Don’t be a child… Your partner is to be honored and adored – stop

throwing stupid stuff at them!

TYPES OF WEAPONIZED MESSAGES CONT’D

The DamageWhen we use these types of phrases, they are laced with underlying meaning and they represent past emotional hurts that are coming to the surface. As a result, we impart an emotional wake that can be large enough to swallow any navy carrier. While the carrier (relationship) may survive, it sustains significant and sometimes reputable damage that cannot be repaired easily or sometimes, at all.

In nearly every single case where this type of communication is present, the recipient is triggered and then proceeds to the flight or fight response. This typically triggers the other partner progressing into a larger wake when it reaches land. By this time, it has the potential to become a Tsunami and no one survives! The destruction is not just felt and seen at the moment but in most cases for years and even a lifetime of resentment and regret. Your relationship is way too important to let this happen so here is what you need to practice.



YOUR INTENT

Clarify to yourself what is the intent of your conversation with your

partner. If it is to express your hurt or feeling of disappointment, that

is perfectly fine and you have the right to do that. What we must do

however is express our intent clearly and most importantly, cleanly

BOTH verbally and through your non-verbal communication.

YOUR AIM

Knowing what you are aiming at in your conversation is just as important

to be clear on. Are you stuck in the conversation itself or are you seeing

past the conversation toward the outcome? I am a proponent of my

aim being past the conversation so it allows me to maneuver in the

conversation utilizing all the tools that are available to me. When your

aim is in the conversation, you might have a tendency to steer yourself

to winning the conversation versus solving the issue at hand with a

positive outcome.

What do you do?If you are on the receiving end of such comments, you need to remain calm, put your emotional impulse aside for a minute and pause the conversation. Let your partner know that their comment(s) were hurtful and while it would be easy to fight about this and just hash it out, you feel it may leave more damage than the opportunity to learn something or be beneficial to the relationship at this time. Then suggest, to pick this up later when you as a couple have had a chance to reflect on the reality of the situation, what hurts are resurfacing and what positive we want to learn from in this conversation. You are not avoiding the conversation, you are postponing it until you can both be in a state that will be beneficial to the relationship rather than destructive.

If you find that you are the one making these types of statements, you have to commit to stop and make this a priority in your relationship. You need to take responsibility for the emotional wake you are creating with your partner and that means taking full responsibility not just when the wake is good but when you cause a negative one as well. Realize that when you make comments such as these, you are NOT in a state that is acting from your heart, you are acting through your past, unresolved hurts, and a place of past emotional pain that YOU haven’t taken responsibility for yet. Whatever it is in your past that triggers you is what you need to be having conversations about not lashing out at your partner.



What to Do: » Give your partner praise for the things he or she does well but give it authentically and genuinely by being present at the time you are giving it.

» Give praise that meets the circumstance. If it is really awesome, let them know this and if it’s small then dial it down a bit. It doesn’t have to be over the top or it risks the feeling of being unauthentic.

» Giving them specifics around what you appreciated most, why you thought it was good and what it meant to you.

» Praise the process, approach or strategy, not the outcome.

» If you learned something from them then tell them that too.

What NOT to Do: » Don’t give your partner praise for everything, he or she is not a dog or a cat, they are a human being. Over-praising feels like sucking up and unauthentic. When they do something monumentally great, they get the same level of response in praise.

» Do not use this to circumvent another issue in the relationship. Far too many partners use this as a bargaining chip to escape a conversation or circumstance of guilt.

One of the questions I ask during relationship coaching sessions is how often do you praise each other? The reason I ask this is to understand the frequency or amount of praise given if it is given from both sides of the relationship, and the significance of that praise. What often I discover is an imbalance in what one partner would really like, what they admit they would like and the reality of what their partner gives them. Very often, what they really would like is to hear more but they never admit they need more, and even go as far to tell their partner they don’t even care about praise, they just like “the truth”.

Praise for something well done is “the truth” and should be said out loud with congruency in your body, your tone, and delivery. When you really feel your partner did something great on anything, letting them know can yield some amazing feelings, build emotional capital, confidence and a whole host of other great experiences. When I speak with couples who don’t practice this or don’t practice this with authenticity and genuineness, it can feel empty and misguided. In other words, the partner receiving the unauthentic praise or comments that are not really genuine, feel worse than if they never received it in the first place.

Practice these suggestions with your partner.

Praise



will begin to not share how he/she feels and withdraw from the most important conversations even the ones the other partner does want to engage in. Over time, intimacy will be eroded and the joy that once stood out in the relationship will vanish entirely leaving a feeling of emptiness and insignificance.

After observing many couples over the years, it is still difficult to fully quantify the amount of emotional equity that is drained out of the relationship by not being fully present. Nevertheless, it is big and a real thing to every partner. Additionally, it is universal in its destructive path when there is a lack of it. Most all of us, if not all of us, have had a conversation with someone who wasn’t fully present and our first instinct is to give up or get frustrated, angry, mad or all of the above.

Beyond Just AttentionIt is so easy to be swept away by the daily distractions in our lives with our work, our kids or activities to social media and phone watching with the next ding, ring or silly tone going off. This of course, is only reinforced by what is now modeled in most of society encouraging multitasking. As if the pressing needs of our work tasks, home tasks, and life tasks don’t peel us away from our partner already, the real killer is not genuinely and authentically being there when you are together. When you are not genuinely and authentically there, your partner FEELS it!

We feel it so strongly is because it violates one of very core human needs we all have as human beings - the need for significance. This is our need to feel worthy, feel important and ultimately to be known and understood.

When this occurs repeatedly, the recipient partner will tend to shut down and end conversations before they start. He or she

Presence

WHEN WE ARE NOT FULLY PRESENT WITH OUR PARTNER WE ARE FAILING TO EXPRESS ONE OF THE CORE NEEDS THAT EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS – SIGNIFICANCE


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If you notice or feel like your partner is not genuinely and authentically there when the conversation is taking place, then ask them to be there with you following the same aspects to come – ask from the heart, not from your frustration and use language that is genuine and loving not directive. If it is not absolutely critical and the discussion can wait then I would suggest something along the following: “Honey, you seem like you have a lot on your mind, should we wait a little bit as I really would like to have all of you for this conversation”. If it can’t wait and a discussion needs to happen then I would propose the following: “Honey, I know there is not a lot of time to discuss this but given its importance, I would like to have you fully here with me if you can” or this: “Honey, is everything okay? What’s on your mind?”

What do you do?

EXAMPLES OF WHAT NOT TO DO

(Are you paying attention to me?) or (Are you paying

attention to what I’m saying to you?) or (Are you listening

to me?). These have tendencies to be accusatory in tone

and about you. While this is about you, trying to claim it

doesn’t help you accomplish what you are ultimately after.


If your partner is not present...If you are the person who is on the receiving end of this and you don’t feel

as though your partner is fully present, you need to ask them to be. By

asking you are not only respecting the wishes of what they may be doing

now or where their mind might be currently, but you also reinforce your

own self-worth that what you do have to say is important. However, there

are ways to do this that are much better than others.

TAKE NOTICE OF THE SITUATION

If your partner is doing something important to them, it is okay to let them

know that you need some time with them but give them time to pause or

finish what they’re doing to make themselves ready to be genuinely there.

ASK, DON’T DIRECT

Many times, I hear how couples ask and it can set the wrong tone out of

the gate because it sounds more like a directive rather than a request. Try

asking authentically from your heart (i.e. Honey, when you have a minute

or take a break or when you are done, could I spend some time with you?).

This does several things – first, it allows them the choice as you may not

know what they are doing or how important it is. Second, it doesn’t impose

a tone for a difficult conversation even if it’s going to be. If they show up

to the conversation already in a state that is less than optimal, you risk

defensiveness so be cognizant of how you ask. Third, the language used

is intended to be loving and non-specific. The problem with specifics

too early is your partner may either may try to solve it right there without

feeling first and/or it distracts them from concentrating on whatever they

are currently doing which risks irritation before the conversation begins.

I would NOT propose to ask like this (I need to speak with you now or as

soon as you are done.) This has the risk of being felt by your partner as a

directive, not a choice even if your tone is nice.

If you are not present...If you are the one who is not present with your partner, you must

practice. Even with the smallest amount of practice, you will begin to

build emotional capital with your partner and you will be amazed at the

amount of intimacy this creates over time.

AWARENESS OF YOUR STATE

» Are you genuinely and authentically there with your partner to truly listen and truly ask and be nowhere else?

» Have you stopped everything you are currently doing to readdress your attention? If you can’t stop that minute and come back to what you were doing, then in a loving and caring manner, let them know you will take a break or be there for them in just a few minutes and then genuinely be there.

» Have you cleared out all the other debris that is bouncing around inside your head?

» Is your physiology and state of being one of affection for the other person with a genuine sense of curiosity? Are you showing up?

» Are you ready to learn more about this person and this topic that is important to them?

» Are you actively listening for meaning, not just the words that are said?

ACTIVELY ENGAGE

Do you help the conversation go deeper? Do you authentically ask and

want to get to the deepest part of the conversation to provoke learning?

APPRECIATION

Are you appreciating the conversation and what you learned out of it?



Self-DeceptionWe can deceive ourselves in many ways. We can make promises to

ourselves or others to change our behavior that we never keep, and

we can deny our own self-destructive habits. However, relational self-

deception is particularly common deception in most all relationships

and this particular type of self-deception can, and most likely will,

become habitual if we’re not self-aware.

Because we often live our lives and our relationships unconsciously

we create patterns of thought and responses to our issues or

problems that we experience in our lives. The most common belief

formed is that people and events are the root cause of our actions,

not ourselves. In other words, we blame others for our actions and we

lie to ourselves. Essentially, we are unable to see ourselves at fault at

the moment the fault is occurring.

Most people who are self-deceived are without them knowing and

hence, the deceptive part of it. As a result, it typically takes an outside

stimulus to enable them to want to see how this could be a problem.

Rest assured, that telling someone that they are deceived when they

don’t want to hear it and are used to blaming their results on others or

events -- it will probably not go smoothly…

Arbinger Institute defines this most elegantly as: “We define self-

deception as not knowing – and resisting the possibility – that one

has a problem.

This may be the largest impact of all because of the depth and width it spans. It applies to all of our lives in everything we do and every relationship we encounter.

Self-AwarenessAfter almost 50 years of research, studies have shown that there are

two types of self-awareness.

There is inner self-awareness whereas, this represents how clearly we

see our ourselves in terms of our own values, passions, aspirations,

fit with our environment, and our own reactions (including thoughts,

feelings, behaviors, strengths, and weaknesses), as wells as, our

impact on others. This type of awareness mostly impacts relationship

satisfaction, personal and social control, and happiness.

There is also external self-awareness which is how aware we are of

how others are perceiving us through our values, passions, aspiration,

fit and reactions including our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, strengths,

and weaknesses.

Inner Self-AwarenessMost people believe they are very self-aware but very few actually

fit the criteria of this. Several studies show that approximately 12% -

25% of people actually do this and do it well whereas, they have real-

time recognition of their thoughts, feelings, behaviors, strengths, and

weaknesses and use them effectively to intentionally process all of

this in real time to adjust in their environments.

Self-Awareness & Self-Deception



External Self-AwarenessExternal Self-Awareness is a different state of awareness. This is

where you can now see, understand and process how others are

perceiving you in real-time. This is an incredible skill to learn for

any relationship but the practice of both internal and external at the

same time takes practice but it can be done.

When you are both internally self-aware while simultaneously

being externally aware of how others are perceiving you, I often

describe it as a nearly out of body experience. It is as if you are

seeing yourself in the conversation and having the conversation

simultaneously. I often describe it as being “above” the conversation

watching the interaction between myself and another person,

feeling, processing (making meaning of) and executing as though

I had a coach watching all of this and was speaking into my ear the

entire time.

The benefit of learning these skills is for the first time you will be

able to see the world as it is rather than worse than it is or better than

it is. This allows us to feel our emotions, process them accordingly

to find alternative meanings based on the real environment in

front of us and not one that is narrated, made up, overinflated and

exaggerated. The impact this will have on your relationship may be

second to none from anything you learn. It is unbelievable in terms

of the clarity and perspective you can gain from any situation and

what it can help you produce in all areas of your life. Apply this at

work and people will be asking who you are… not kidding.

Here are some practices that can help you to learn this most

effectively.

Self-ReflectionMany people who think they are completely self-aware may

confuse this with self-reflection. This is to reflect on the situation

after the occurrence or experience. This is not self-awareness.

While reflection is a great thing to practice and be, it is lost on the

moment when it is needed the very most. Contrary to popular belief,

most think that becoming self-reflective will actually increase self-

awareness and yet studies continue to prove this is not the case.

As a matter of fact, they have found introspective people are less

self-aware and have less satisfaction in their relationships.

The problem with self-reflection is that it lacks immediacy versus

self-awareness and when people self-reflect they tend to conduct

it incorrectly. Most people start with the question of “why” and they

should be starting with “what.” Research has shown us over and

over that as underdeveloped human beings, we simply do not

have access to our unconscious thoughts, feelings, and motives

we’re searching for through the question of why. Because so much

information resides outside of our conscious awareness, we tend

to invent our answers that “feel” right but are almost always wrong.

The human mind rarely operates through a rational fashion, and

our judgments, especially of ourselves, are almost never free

from bias. We tend to focus on any insights we might find without

questioning their validity or value they have in the equation.

Further, we so many times will ignore the contradictory evidence

regardless if it is right in front of us. Even when it is in front of us,

we will tend to conform our thoughts to our initial explanations. The

bottom line is self-reflection and self-management are completely

different from head to toe.


www.theinsideoutgroup.com

LISTENING IS ABOUT BEING PRESENT

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4. KEEP A JOURNAL

This very simple but very effective technique is keeping score

basically of all the times you felt during the day or during situations

that you were seeing the world as it is. That you could feel and process

emotions as a viewpoint, not as an absolute and see opposing

viewpoints between situations honestly and authentically. Yes, this

includes your own viewpoint.

1. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS

This is the key to self-awareness. Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness

as “paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present

moment, non-judgmentally.” Through mindfulness practice, you will

be more present with yourself so that you can “be there” to observe

what’s going on inside and around you. It is not about sitting cross-

legged or suppressing your thoughts. It is about paying attention to

your inner state as it arises. You can practice mindfulness at any time

you want, through mindful listening, mindful eating or walking.

2. PRACTICE BEING A GOOD LISTENER

Listening is not the same as hearing. Listening is about being present

and paying attention to other people’s emotions, body movement,

and language. It is about showing empathy and understanding

without constantly evaluating or judging. When you become a good

listener, you will also be better at listening to your own inner voice

and become the best friend of yourself.

3. GAIN DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES

Ask for feedback. Sometimes we can be too afraid to ask what

others think of us – yes sometimes the feedback may be biased or

even dishonest but you will be able to differentiate that from real,

genuine and balanced feedback as you learn more about yourself

and others. We all have blind spots, so it is helpful to gain different

perspectives to see a fuller picture of ourselves.

Practice, Practice, Practice


G R E G A B L E T T , P R E S I D E N T A N D C E O

“Extraordinary relationships are pursued, practiced and protected. They are pursued through curiosity and desire for the other; practiced in innovation, strategy and integration; and protected through commitment, courage and authenticity.”

the 5 silent killers of a relationship and the strategies to … · 2018-06-06 · the 5 silent...

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