Teenager – parent relationship

The desire of every parent and child is to find happiness in life and to live in a loving, happy family relationship. However, conflict, rebellion, lack of discipline, confusion and anxiety, often spoil the peace and happy relationships that should form the basis of a healthy family socially and emotionally.

This worksheet aims to give practical guidelines to teenagers on how to develop healthy relationships with their parents. The following topics will be looked into:

sources of conflict

tips on how to avoid and handle arguments with parents

ways of resolving conflict

effective communication with parents

Do these words sound familiar? Most teenagers feel this way about their parents. The question is WHY?

SOURCES OF CONFLICT BETWEEN PARENTS AND TEENAGERS

IndependenceWhen children reach their teenage years, many feel a growing need to be independent and begin to pull away from their parents, both emotionally and mentally. Conflicts regarding dating, curfews and responsibilities often arise.

Differing and conflicting interestsParents and teenagers have diverse interests, for example, the type of music is a consistent source of conflict. Teenagers love kwaito and house music while parents think they are evil and sources of bad influence.Clubbing and parties are a rage with teenagers. However, parents fear that their teenagers would be subject to bad influences and sexual temptations in these places.

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"There's no point in talking to you, you don't understand me. You don't even know me. You don't know who I really am."

Peer PressureMost teenagers want to be accepted by their peers and some resist appearing too much under their parents' control. Encouragement and teasing by peers at school result in teenagers doing things they normally would not do like smoking and drinking.

PowerSome teenagers resist any form of direction, instruction or discipline by their parents during this stage in their lives. They may ignore rules, boundaries and curfews. They may even talk back, argue or start challenging parents on rules and expectations, which often lead to loud and drawn-out disagreements that can disrupt family peace in the home.

Hidden/ Silent & unrealistic expectationsSometimes, parents’ expectations are simply too unrealistic.Their children never seem to be good enough for them: results are not good enough, the bedroom is not clean enough and time with friends is always too long. Some parents expect their teenagers to work and behave in a certain way but they don’t communicate this expectation to them. Teenagers also have expectations of their parents (eg. they want their father to spend more time with them because he is never home) but again, there is no communication between them.

Contrasting and conflicting valuesTeenagers embrace values that are different from their parents. They value freedom, friendship and fun. On the other hand, most parents value hard work, honesty and honor. Teenagers enjoy humor and sarcasm but parents see that as being disrespectful which results in tensions between parent and child.

CommunicationStrong words and aggressive actions can infuriate both parents and teenagers. Unable to control their emotions, some parents end up humiliating their children in public. Imagine their embarrassment if this is done in front of friends. When teenagers speak rudely to their parents, the communication between them becomes a shouting match and in time the lines of communication break down.

Driven by self-interestsParents care about how they look to other parents. They feel embarrassed when their children go to the normal stream.They want their children to perform well because they want to look good among relatives. Teenagers too, can also be self-centered. They are less concerned about long-term goals and the consequences of their actions on their future or their impact on the family. They indulge themselves, sometimes engaging in premarital sex and other harmful pastimes.

In groups, discuss the following statements and identify the sources of conflict between these teenagers and their parents.

a) If you continue getting 45% in Mathematics you will not qualify to study medicine at a university.

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b) It is 12 o’clock and we told you to be back home by 10 pm.

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c) What will your aunt say if you show up dressed like that, go change into something appropriate.

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d) Yah, but all my friends have tatoos ......

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e) I told you to stop listening to that music, it is just junk!

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f) I can’t go with you to church, my friends and I are going to the movies.

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g) You do not do any of your chores; you are forever hanging out with those boys. You will not go out of the house until you have washed all the dishes and have cleaned your room.

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Discuss the rules ahead of time and not at the last minute. This way you will be able to tell when they will say yes or no to before you make plans. Your parents can also explain to you why each rule is in place. Ask them to give you the chance to explain how the rules make you feel and suggest what you think are appropriate rules. Your parents may be willing to listen to your ideas and use them when making rules that you both agree on.

Try to remain calm and do not lose your temper when your parents say no to something. You will show your parents that you are responsible and mature by talking instead of yelling and not listening to what they have to say.

Follow each rule that they set. If your parents tell you to be home at a certain time, stick to it. They may begin to worry about your safety if you are late. By being responsible and by following rules, your parents may be willing to negotiate a later time in the future, especially if they know that you will follow their rules.

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How can I avoid arguing with my parents?

"I hate these stupid rules!"

Thembi has been arguing with her parents a lot lately. She feels that all the rules that her parents set are unfair. They tell her that she needs to listen and obey them.

 Every household has rules! What are some of the rules at your home? How do you feel about them?

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Do you abide by these rules? Yes / No, how has that affected your relationship with your parents?

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Pick your battles. Try to figure out what is really bothering you. This will help you to know if it is worth arguing about. Some issues maybe more important than others

Spend time with your family. Some teenagers argue with their parents over the amount of time they spend with their friends. Spend quality time with your parents; this will help you understand them better and vice versa.Suggest activities that your whole family will enjoy together such as visiting a relative or going to the mall.

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For many families,eating supper together can be an important way for children and parents to maintain connection. Below are the findings of a research study that was conducted on this issue:

Smoking. Among teenagers aged 15 to 16, 42 % of teenagers who do not feel close to their mother and/or father smoke, compared with 26 % of teenagers who do feel close to at least one parent. In this same age group, over 34 % of teenagers who do not regularly eat supper with their parents smoked, in contrast to just 25 % of teenagers who do eat supper regularly with their parents.

Drinking. The prevalence of drinking is nearly twice as high among 15 to 16year olds who do not feel close to a parent and among those who do not eat supper with a parent, compared with those who do.

Drug Use. About 50 % of 15 to 16 year olds who aren’t close to their parents have used marijuana, compared with just 24 % of those who are close to their parents.

Violence. Less than 30 % of teenagers aged 15 to 16 who eat supper with their parents have been in a serious fight, compared with more than 40 percent of those who do not eat supper with their parents.

Sexual Activity. Over 50 % of teenagers who do not eat supper with their parents have had sex by age 15 to 16. By contrast, only 32 % of teenagers who do eat supper with their parents have had sex.

Suicidal Thoughts. Teenagers aged 15 to16 who do not feel close to their parents are about three times as likely to think about suicide as teenagers who are close to their parents.

Suicide Attempts. Teenagers aged 15 to 16 who don’t eat supper with their parents regularly are twice as likely to have attempted suicide.

Educational Achievement. Teenagers of all ages who eat with their parents, or feel close to their parents, perform very well at school. In general, they are more likely to go to university and less likely to have been ever suspended from school.

What is your take on this? Do you think having supper with parents can have such a major influence in helping teenagers avoid such

risky behaviour and connect with their parents?

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When it is not possible to avoid the argument, how do I resolve it?

Confront the problemDo not deny the issue, rather try to resolve it. Openly acknowledging the conflict is an important first step. Often, just talking about differences of opinion openly resolves the issue. A parent might say, for example, "I understand that you do not agree with your curfew. I did not want a curfew myself at this age." This normalizes the issue for the child and makes it credible.

Express your understandingBe free and express how you feel about everything. Ask clarifying questions when you do not understand what your parents are saying. Being heard will allow you to relax your guard, feel loved and understood.

Be respectfulAddress your concerns but do it in a respectful manner. Respectful dialogue makes it more likely the problem will be discussed thoroughly and hard feelings will not develop. Disagreements may still happen, but you learn to stay calm and talk about how you feel. Always state what you feel and think instead of pointing or blaming your parents.

Explore alternative solutionsThink about alternative solutions to the problem and propose them. This will help you assert your independence in a constructive way. When your parents see you involved in problem-solving activities they will start treating you differently.

Healthy relationships take time, energy and care to make them and both parties should be committed to building the relationship. The key is COMMUNICATION!

What does the word communication mean?

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The most important part of any healthy relationship between people is being able to talk and listen to one another. You need to learn to share your feelings with your parents and trust that they will be there to listen and support you.

You probably talk to friends way more than you talk to your parents, this is because

talking to parents can seem difficult or intimidating. It is natural but you still need

parent’s help, advice and support especially when it comes to certain subjects.

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How can I build a healthy relationship with my parents?

Here are some tips to make it easier to talk to parents:

Talk about everyday stuff and do it daily

The more you do something, the easier it gets. Talking to the adults in your life about

everyday stuff builds a bond that can smooth the way for when you need to discuss

something more serious.

Find something trivial to chat about each day

Talk about how your friend laughs at people’s jokes. Share something one of your

teachers said. Even small talk about what's for supper can keep your relationship

strong and comfortable.

It's never too late to start.

If you feel your relationship with your parents is strained, try easing into

conversations. Mention that cute thing the dog did. Talk about how well your little

sister is doing in Mathematics. When parents feel connected to your daily life, they

can be there for you if something really important comes up.

Here are 3 steps to help you prepare for that talk:

Step 1: Know what you want from the conversation

It takes maturity to figure out what you want to get out of a conversation. What you

hope to achieve can vary. Most often you will probably want the adults in your life to

do one or more of these things: simply listen and understand what you are going through without offering

advice or comments give permission or support for something

offer you advice or help

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But what about instances when I want to discuss or raise difficult topics with my parents?

How do I, for instance,tell my parents that I failed the exam?

guide you back on track if you are in trouble without harsh criticism or put-downs

Suppose you started hanging around with the wrong crowd and ended up getting involved in drugs. Now you want to stop taking drugs and you want your parents to guide you back on track without putting you down. How would you approach them? What would you say to them?

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Step 2: Identify your feelings

Things like personal feelings or issues around sex are awkward to discuss with

anyone, let alone a parent. It is natural to be nervous when talking about sensitive

topics. Recognize how you are feeling - for example, maybe you are worried that

telling parents about a problem will make them disappointed or upset. Instead of

letting those feelings stop you from talking, put them into words as part of the

conversation. For example:

← "Mom, I need to talk to you — but I'm afraid I'll disappoint you."

← "Dad, I need to talk to you about something — but it's kind of embarrassing."

←

Give an example of a problem that one can have and be afraid to discuss with parents because it is embarrassing or parents will be disappointed when they hear about it.

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Step 3: Pick a good time to talk

Approach your parent when he or she is not busy with something else. Ask, "Can we

talk? Is now a good time?” Difficult conversations benefit from good planning. Writing

down all the important points that you want discuss will help you a lot.

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What if your parents are forever busy and it is difficult for you to find a good

time? How would you handle that situation?

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Read what the members of this family are saying about communication in their

relationships:

1. Looking at all the members of this family, who would you say has good communication strategies and skills? Explain your answer.

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My mom does not want to talk to me about sex. She thinks if she does then i will do it (Lizi)

Every time I say something about the type of friends she hangs around with she just shrugs and says it is her life. (Mom)

My mother always asks about my day and how I am feeling about things. I am glad she is interested in my life (Rose)

I’ve learnt to listen to my teenage children and to discuss issues with them rather than to say “no (Dad)

If I don’t do something my parents want, my father just shouts. He never wants to know why. (Tim)

When I ask my mom why I have to be home by a certain time, she just says, “Because I say so” (Jane)

2. How well do you communicate with your parents? Suggest ways you could improve communication with your parents.____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Use the following pointers as your philosophy/motto and see how healthy your relationship with your parents will become.

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1. When parents are unreasonable, don’t try to reason with them. Smile and agree. It makes them think and feel embarrassed - maybe even guilty. Never walk away when they are talking. That makes them crazy.

2. If your parent denies your request or will not allow you more freedom, don't ask, "Why?" This will only get you another reason that supports the "no." Rather than "Why?" it is better to ask, "What can I do to get the privilege, request or freedom?" The "What can I do?" question will give you some idea of what you have to do to get a "yes."

3. When parents get angry, it isn't the time to return the anger. A lot of times they are not upset with you, but with their boss, the neighbor or the price of groceries. You just happen to be there at the wrong time. Look hurt. Slump in your chair and look at them with pitiful eyes. If this does not work, get out of the way when they are in a bad mood. They need some time and space. Go outside, to a friend's house or to your room. Eventually they will settle down and miss you.

4. Parents are unfair at times and this may make you angry. Don't discuss your complaints when either of you is angry or upset. Calm down and wait until they are in a good mood. Discuss your feelings later that day or in a few days.

5. Do not create situations where there is a winner and a loser. You are the child and will probably lose most of the time. How many times have you grounded your mother or taken away the phone privileges from your dad? Try to compromise and work out a situation where both of you win.

6. You do not do favors for people who argue with you or are uncooperative. If you act like this with your parents, there is a chance that they will not cooperate when you ask for favors. Try to cooperate and minimize conflict because this will certainly work in your favor.

7. Ask your parents once a day, "Is there anything I can do for you?" Most of the time they will probably say no or give you something that will take a few minutes to complete. Your parents will love this and see you as a very cooperative person. When this occurs they will probably be more cooperative with you. You could also surprise them by doing something they do not make you do. They will tell everyone you are the best possible son or daughter and what's more, they will believe it.

8. When your parents are fighting, go away, even though you want to listen to them. Sooner or later they will get mad at you for listening, if for nothing else.

Call the BHP Billiton Career Centre on 011 639 8400 for more information on

this and other topics. Sci-Bono Discovery Centre, Corner of Mirriam Makeba

and President Streets, Newtown Fax 011 832 3360 Email: myfuture@sci-

bono.co.za

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