stephen king - umney's last case

5/19/2018 Stephen King - Umney's Last Case

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Stephen King "Umney's Last Case"

The rains are over. The hills are still green and in the valley across the Hollywood

hills you can see snow on the highmountains. The fur stores are advertising their annual sales. The call houses that

specialize in sixteen-year-old virginsare doing a land-office business. And in Beverly Hills the jacaranda trees are

beginning to bloom.

aymond !handler" The #ittle $ister

%. The &ews from 'eoria.

%t was one of those spring mornings so #.A.-perfect you (eep expecting to see thatlittle trademar(

symbol--)*--stamped on it somewhere. The exhaust of the vehicles passing on $unset

smelled faintly of oleander" theoleander was lightly perfumed with exhaust" and the s(y overhead was as clear as a

hardshell Baptist+s conscience.'eoria $mith" the blind paperboy" was standing in his accustomed place on the corner

of $unset and #aurel" and if thatdidn+t mean ,od was in His heaven and all was ja(e with the world" % didn+t (now what

did.

et since %+d swung my feet out of bed that morning at the unaccustomed hour of /01a.m." things had felt a little

off-(ilter" somehow2 a tad woozy around the edges. %t was only as % was shaving --orat least showing those pes(y

bristles the razor in an effort to scare them into submission--that % realized part of

the reason why. Although %+d beenup reading until at least two" % hadn+t heard the 3emmic(s roll in" s4uiffed to the

earlobes and trading those snappyone-liners that apparently form the basis of their marriage.

&or had % heard Buster" and that was maybe even odder. Buster" the 3emmic(s+ 5elsh!orgi" has a high-pitched bar(

that goes through your head li(e slivers of glass" and he uses it as much as he can.Also" he+s the jealous type. He lets

loose with one of his shrill bar(ing s4ualls every time ,eorge and ,loria clinch" andwhen they aren+t zinging each

other li(e a couple of vaudeville comedians" ,eorge and ,loria usually are clinching.%+ve gone to sleep on more than

one occasion listening to them giggle while that mutt prances around their feet goingyar(yar(yar( and wondering how

difficult it would be to strangle a muscular" medium-sized dog with a length of piano-wire. #ast night" however" the

3emmic(s+ apartment had been as 4uiet as the grave. %t was passing strange" but a longway from earth-shattering2 the

3emmic(s weren+t exactly your perfect life-on-a-timetable couple at the best of times.

'eoria $mith was all right" though--chipper as a chipmun(" just as always" and he+drecognized me by my wal( even

though it was at least an hour before my usual time. He was wearing a baggy !alTechsweatshirt that came down to his

thighs and a pair of corduroy (nic(ers that showed off his scabby (nees. His hatedwhite cane leaned casually against

the side of the card-table he did business on.


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66$ay" 7r. 8mney9 Howza (id:++

'eoria+s dar( glasses glinted in the morning sunlight" and as he turned toward thesound of my step with my copy of the

#.A. Times held up in front of him" % had a momentary unsettling thought/ it was as if

someone had drilled two bigblac( holes into his face. % shivered the thought off my bac(" thin(ing that maybe the

time had come to cut out thebefore-bedtime shot of rye. ;ither that or double the dose.

Hitler was on the front of the Times" as he so often was these days. This time it wassomething about Austria. % thought"

and not for the first time" how at home that pale face and limp foreloc( would haveloo(ed on a post-office bulletin

board.

66The (id is just about o(ay" 'eoria"++ % said. 66%n fact" the (id is as fine as freshpaint on an outhouse wall.++

% dropped a dime into the !orona box resting atop 'eoria+s stac( of newspapers. TheTimes is a three-center" and

over-priced at that" but %+ve been dropping that same chip into 'eoria+s change-boxsince time out of mind. He+s a good

(id" and ma(ing good grades in school--% too( it on myself to chec( that last year"after he+d helped me out on the

5eld case. %f 'eoria hadn+t shown up on Harris Brunner+s houseboat when he did" %+dstill be trying to swim with my

feet cemented into a (erosene drum" somewhere off 7alibu. To say % owe him a lot is anunderstatement.

%n the course of that particular investigation )'eoria $mith" not Harris Brunner and

7avis 5eld*" % even found out the(id+s real name" although wild horses wouldn+t have dragged it out of me. 'eoria+s

father too( a permanentcoffee-brea( out a ninth-floor office window on Blac(


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what a gilt-edged shamus li(e me should have seen right away/ the (id was all butbusting with happiness.

66ou loo( li(e somebody just gave you six tic(ets to the first game of the 5orld$eries"++ % said. 665hat+s the buzz"

'eoria:++

667y mom hit the lottery down in Tijuana9++ he said. 66


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damned old #ee Ho anymore" and % ain+t going to have to sell papers on the corneranymore" shiverin when it rains in

the winter and havin to suc( up to those nutty old bags who wor( down at Bilder+s. %can 4uit actin li(e % died and went

to heaven every time some blowhard leaves me a nic(el tip.++

% started a little at that" but what the hell--% wasn+t a nic(el man. % left 'eoriaseven cents" day in and day out. 8nless %

was too bro(e to afford it" of course" but in my business an occasional stony stretchcomes with the territory.

667aybe we ought to go up to Blondie+s and have a cup of java"++ % said. 66Tal( thisthing over.++

66!an+t. %t+s closed.++

66Blondie+s: The hell you say9++

But 'eoria couldn+t be bothered with such mundane stuff as the coffee shop up the

street. 66ou ain+t heard the best" 7r.8mney9 7y 8ncle


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say 66hell++ or 66frogging"++ and most of all" he was supposed to be blind.

66ou ain+t9++ he said" and then" shoc(ingly" he pushed his card- table over. %t fellinto the street" papers flapping

everywhere. His white cane rolled into the gutter. 'eoria heard it go and bent down toget it. % could see tears coming

out from beneath his dar( glasses and go rolling down his pale" thin chee(s. Hestarted groping for the cane" but it had

fallen near me and he was going the wrong way. % felt a sudden strong urge to haul offand (ic( him in his blind

newsboy+s ass.

%nstead" % bent over" got his stic(" and tapped him lightly on the hip with it.

'eoria turned" 4uic( as a sna(e" and snatched it. =ut of the corner of my eye % couldsee pictures of Hitler and the

recently deceased !uban bandleader flapping all over $unset Boulevard--a bus bound for>an &ess snored through a

little drift of them" leaving a bitter tang of diesel fumes behind. % hated the way

those newspapers loo(ed" flutteringhere and there. They loo(ed messy. 5orse" they loo(ed wrong. 8tterly and completely

wrong. % fought another urge" asstrong as the first one" to grab 'eoria and sha(e him. To tell him he was going to

spend the morning pic(ing up thosenewspapers" and % wasn+t going to let him go home until he+d gotten every last one.

%t occurred to me that less than ten minutes ago" %+d been thin(ing that this was theperfect #.A. morning--so perfect it

deserved a trademar( symbol. And it had been" dammit. $o where had things gone wrong:And how had it happened so

fast:

&o answers came" only an irrational but powerful voice from inside" telling me thatthe (id+s mother couldn+t have won

the lottery" that the (id couldn+t stop selling newspapers" and that" most of all" the(id couldn+t see. 'eoria $mith was

supposed to be blind for the rest of his life.

5ell" it+s got to be something experimental" % thought. ;ven if the doctor up in


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whac( him across the (eister with it a few times. Teach him some manners.

Before % could get it" though" he hauled off and slammed the cane+s tip into my lowerbelly--and % do mean lower. %

doubled up in agony" but even while % was trying to (eep from howling with pain" % wascounting my blessings2 two

inches lower still and % could have 4uit peeping for a living and gotten a job singingsoprano in the 'alace of the 3oges.

% made a 4uic(" reflexive grab for him anyway" and he brought the cane down on thebac( of my nec(. Hard. %t didn+t

brea(" but % heard it crac(. % figured % could finish the job when % caught him andran it into his right ear. %+d show him

who was a faggot.

He bac(ed away from me as if he+d caught my brainwave" and threw the cane into thestreet.

66'eoria"++ % managed. 7aybe it still wasn+t too late to catch sanity by the

shirttail. 66'eoria" what the hell+s wrongwith--++

66And don+t call me that9++ he screamed. 667y name+s


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% managed to pull myself erect and ma(e my way across the street. 'eoria" a(a


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or twenty years" only drawn small. 5here else could you see a mobster eating brea(fastat D/11 p.m. with a priest" or a

diamond-dec(ed glamorpuss sitting on a counter-stool next to a grease-mon(eycelebrating the end of his shift with a

hot cup of java: % suddenly found myself thin(ing of the !uban bandleader and hisheart attac( again" this time with

considerably more sympathy.

All that fabulous starry !ity of #ost Angels life--do you get it" chum: Are youpic(ing up this newsflash:

The sign hung in the door read !#=$;3 AT%=&$" ;=';&%&, $==&" but % didn+tbelieve it. ;mpty

sugar-sha(ers lying in the corner do not" in my experience" indicate renovations inprogress. 'eoria had been right/

Blondie+s was history. % turned away and went on up the street" but now % wal(edslowly and had to consciously order

my head to stay up. As % approached the ern slid the gate across the front of the


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car and prepared to fly us to the moon . . . or at least to the seventh floor. 665hatdrainpipe did you spend the night in"

Bill:++

et there was something comforting about that smell--%+d be lying if % said therewasn+t. Because it was a familiar

smell. %t was just Bill Tuggle" odoriferous" hung over" and standing with his (neesslightly bent" as if someone had filled

the crotch of his underpants with chic(en salad and he+d just realized it. &otpleasant" nothing about that morning+s

elevator ride was pleasant" but it was at least (nown.

Bill gave me a sic( smile as the elevator began to rattle upward but said nothing.

% swung my head in >ernon+s direction" mostly to get away from the smell of overba(edaccountant" but whatever small

tal( %+d been meaning to ma(e died in my throat. The two pictures which had hung over>ern+s stool since the

beginning of time--one of ?esus wal(ing on the $ea of ,alilee while his boatbound

disciples gawped at him and theother of >ern+s wife in a buc(s(in-fringed $weetheart of the odeo outfit and a turn-

of-the-century hairdo--wereboth gone. 5hat had replaced them shouldn+t have been shoc(ing" especially in light of

>ernon+s age" but it hit me li(ea barge-load of bric(s just the same.

%t was a card" that+s all--a simple card showing the silhouette of a man fishing on ala(e at sunset. %t was the sentiment

printed below the canoe that floored me/ HA'' ;T%;7;&T9

ou could have doubled the way % felt when 'eoria told me he might see again and stillhave come up short. 7emories

flic(ered through my mind with the speed of cards being shuffled by a riverboatgambler. There was the time >ern

bro(e into the office next to mine to call an ambulance when that nutty dame" Agnes$ternwood" first tore my phone

out of the wall and then swallowed what she swore was drain-cleaner. The 66drain-cleaner++ turned out to be nothing

but crystals of raw sugar" and the office >ern bro(e into turned out to be a high-class horse parlor. $o far as % (now" the

guy who leased the place and slapped 7acFenzie %mports on the door is still receivinghis annual $ears oebuc(

catalogue in $an uentin. Then there was the guy >ern cold-con(ed with his stool justbefore he could ventilate my

guts2 that was the 7avis 5eld business again" of course. &ot to mention the time he

brought his daughter to me--whata babe she was9--when she got involved with that dirty-picture rac(et.

>ern retiring:

%t wasn+t possible. %t just wasn+t.

66>ernon"++ % as(ed" 66what (ind of jo(e is this:++

66&o jo(e" 7r. 8mney"++ he said" and as he brought the elevator car to a stop onThree" he began to hac( a deep cough %+d

never heard in all the years %+d (nown him. %t was li(e listening to marble bowlingballs rolling down a stone alley. He

too( the !amel out of his mouth" and % was horrified to see the end of it was pin("and not with lipstic(. He loo(ed at it


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for a moment" grimaced" then replaced it and yan(ed bac( the accordion grille. 66Thuh-ree" 7r. Tuggle.++

66Than(s" >ern"++ Bill said.

66emember the party on ernon Fleinjust around the next bend in the road" and that loo( said >ernon (new all about it.

66ou too" 7r. 8mney--we beenthrough a lot together" and %+d be tic(led to raise a glass with you.++

665ait a minute9++ % shouted" grabbing Bill as he tried to step out of the elevator.66ou wait just a ,od damned minute"

both of you9 5hat party: 5hat+s going on here:++

66etirement"++ Bill said. 66%t usually happens at some point after your hair turnswhite" in case you+ve been too busy to

notice. >ernon+s party is going to be in the basement on ern was finishing up on 7ay thirtieth.++

That made me angry all over again" the way %+d been when 'eoria called me a faggot. %grabbed Bill by the padded

shoulders of his double-breasted suit and gave him a sha(e. 66The hell you say9++

He gave me a small" pained smile. 66The hell % don+t" !lyde. But if you don+t want to

come" fine. $tay away. ou+vebeen acting poco loco for the last six months" anyhow.++

% shoo( him again. 665hat do you mean" poco loco:++

66!razy as a loon" nutty as a fruitca(e" two wheels off the road" out to lunch"playing without a full dec(--any of those

ring a bell: And before you answer" just let me inform you that if you sha(e me onemore time" even a little sha(e" my

guts are going to explode straight out through my chest" and not even dry-cleaningwill get that mess off your suit.++

He pulled away before % could do it again even if %+d wanted to and started down the

hall with the seat of his pantshanging somewhere down around the level of his (nees" as per usual. He glanced bac(

just once" while >ernon wassliding the brass gate across. 66ou need to ta(e some time off" !lyde. $tarting last

wee(.++

665hat+s gotten into you:++ % shouted at him. 665hat+s gotten into all of you:++ Butby then the inner door was closed

and we were headed up again--this time to $even. 7y little slice of heaven. >erndropped his cigarette butt into the

buc(et of sand that s4uats in the corner" and immediately stuc( a fresh one in his(isser. He popped a wooden match

alight with his thumbnail" set the fag on fire" and immediately started coughingagain. &ow % could see fine drops of


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blood misting out from between his crac(ed lips. %t was a gruesome sight. His eyes haddropped2 they stared vacantly

into the far corner" seeing nothing" hoping for nothing. Bill Tuggle+s B.=. hungbetween us li(e the ,host of Binges

'ast.

66=(ay" >ern"++ % said. 665hat is it and where are you going:++

>ernon had never been one to wear out the ;nglish language" and that at least hadn+tchanged. 66%t+s Big !"++ he said.

66=n $aturday % catch the 3esert Blossom to Arizona. %+m going to live with my sister.% don+t expect to wear out my

welcome" though. $he might have to change the bed twice.++ He brought the elevator toa stop and rattled the gate bac(.

66$even" 7r. 8mney. our little slice of heaven.++ He smiled at that just as he alwaysdid" but this time it loo(ed li(e the

(ind of smile you see on the candy s(ulls down in Tijuana" on the 3ay of the 3ead.

&ow that the elevator door was open" % smelled something up here in my little slice of

heaven that was so out of place ittoo( a moment for me to recognize it/ fresh paint. =nce it was noted" % filed it. %

had other fish to fry.

66This isn+t right"++ % said. 66ou (now it isn+t" >ern.++

He turned his frightening vacant eyes on me. 3eath in them" a blac( shape flapping andbec(oning just beyond the faded

blue. 665hat isn+t right" 7r. 8mney:++

66ou+re supposed to be here" damn it9 ight here9 $itting on your stool with ?esusand your wife over your head. &ot

this9++ % reached up" grabbed the card with the picture of the man fishing on the

la(e" tore it in two" put the piecestogether" tore it in four" and then gave them the toss. They fluttered to the faded

red rug on the floor of the elevator carli(e confetti.

66$+posed to be right here"++ he repeated" those terrible eyes of his never leavingmine. Beyond us" two men in

paint-splattered coveralls had turned to loo( in our direction.

66That+s right.++

66


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66ou can+t retire" >ern.++ 7y heart was beating harder than ever" but % managed to(eep my voice level. 66ou just

can+t.++

66&o:++ He too( his cigarette out of his mouth--fresh blood was already soa(ing intothe tip--and then loo(ed bac( at

me. His smile was ghastly. 66The way it loo(s to me" % ain+t exactly got a choice" 7r.8mney.++

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

%%%. =f 'ainters and 'esos.

The smell of fresh paint seared my nose" overpowering both the smell of >ernon+s smo(eand Bill Tuggle+s armpits.

The men in the coveralls were currently ta(ing up space not far from my office door.They had put down a dropcloth"

and the tools of their trade were spread out all along it--tins and brushes and turp.

There were two step-ladders aswell" flan(ing the painters li(e scrawny boo(ends. 5hat % wanted to do was to run down

the hall" (ic(ing the wholewor(s every whichway as % went. 5hat right had they to paint these old dar( walls that

glaring" sacrilegious white:

%nstead" % wal(ed up to the one who loo(ed as if it might ta(e a two- digit number toexpress his % and politely as(ed

what he and his fellow mug thought they were doing. He glanced around at me. 66Hellzitloo( li(e: %+m givin 7iss

America a finger-frig and !hic( there+s puttin rouge on Betty ,rable+s nippy-nips.++

%+d had enough. ;nough of them" enough of everything. % reached out" grabbed the 4uiz-

(id under the armpit" and usedmy fingertips to engage a particularly nasty nerve that hides up there. He screamed

and dropped his brush. 5hite paintsplattered his shoes. His partner gave me a timid doe-eyed loo( and too( a step

bac(ward.

66%f you try ta(ing off before %+m done with you"++ % snarled" 66you+re going to findthe handle of your paint-brush so far

up your ass you+ll need a boathoo( to find the bristles. ou want to try me and see if%+m lying:++

He stopped moving and just stood there on the edge of the dropcloth" eyes darting fromside to side" loo(ing for help.

There was none to be had. % half-expected !andy to open my door and loo( out to seewhat the fracas was" but the door

stayed firmly closed. % turned my attention bac( to the 4uiz-(id % was holding onto.

66The 4uestion was simple enough" bud--what the hell are you doing here: !an youanswer it" or do % give you another

blast:++

% twiddled my fingers in his armpit just to refresh his memory and he screamed again.66'aintin the hall9 ?eezis" can+t

you see:++

% could see" all right" and even if %+d been blind" % could smell. % hated what bothof those senses were telling me. The


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hallway wasn+t supposed to be painted" especially not this glaring" light- reflectingwhite. %t was supposed to be dim

and shadowy2 it was supposed to smell li(e dust and old memories. 5hatever had startedwith the 3emmic(s+

unaccustomed silence was getting worse all the time. % was mad as hell" as thisunfortunate fellow was discovering. %

was also scared" but that was a feeling you get good at hiding when carrying a heaterin a clamshell holster is part of the

way you ma(e your living.

665ho sent you two dubs down here:++

66=ur boss"++ he said" loo(ing at me as if % were crazy. 665e wor( for !hallis !ustom'ainters" on >an &uys. The boss is

Hap !orrigan. %f you want to (now who hired the cump+ny" you+ll have to as( h--++

66%t was the owner"++ the other painter said 4uietly. 66The owner of this building. Aguy named $amuel #andry.++

% searched my memory" trying to put the name of $amuel #andry together with what %(new of the


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66% mean" %+ve got a wife and a little (id to ta(e care of"++ he went on. 66There+s a3epression going on out there" you

(now.++

!onfusion came over me then" drowning my anger the way a downpour drowns a brushfire.5as there a 3epression

going on out there: 5as there:

66% (now"++ % said" not (nowing anything. 66#et+s just forget it" what do you say:++

66$ure"++ the painters agreed" so eager they sounded li(e half of a barbershop4uartet. The one %+d mista(enly tabbed as

half-bright had his left hand buried deep in his right armpit" trying to get thatnerve to go bac( to sleep. % could have

told him he had an hour+s wor( ahead of him" maybe more" but % didn+t want to tal( tothem anymore. % didn+t want to

tal( to anyone or see anyone--not even the delectable !andy Fane" whose humid glancesand smooth" subtropical

curves have been (nown to send seasoned street-brawlers reeling to their (nees. The

only thing % wanted to do was toget across the outer office and into my inner sanctum. There was a bottle of obb+s

ye in the bottom lefthand drawer"and right now % needed a shot in the worst way.

% wal(ed down toward the frosted-glass door mar(ed !#3; 87&; '%>AT; %&>;$T%,AT="restraining a

renewed urge to see if % could drop-(ic( a can of 3utch Boy =yster 5hite through thewindow at the end of the hall

and out onto the fire-escape. % was actually reaching for my door(nob when a thoughtstruc( me and % turned bac( to

the painters . . . but slowly" so they wouldn+t believe % was being gripped by somenew seizure. Also" % had an idea that

if % turned too fast" %+d see them grinning at each other and twirling their fingersaround their ears--the looney-gesture

we all learned in the schoolyard.

They weren+t twirling their fingers" but they hadn+t ta(en their eyes off me" either.The half-smart one seemed to be

gauging the distance to the door mar(ed $TA%5;##. $uddenly % wanted to tell them that% wasn+t such a bad guy

when you got to (now me2 that there were" in fact" a few clients and at least one ex-wife who thought me something of

a hero. But that wasn+t a thing you could say about yourself" especially not to acouple of bozos li(e these.

66Ta(e it easy"++ % said. 66%+m not going to jump you. % just wanted to as( another4uestion.++

They relaxed a little. A very little" actually.

66As( it"++ 'ainter &umber Two said.

66;ither of you ever played the numbers down in Tijuana:++

66#a loterGa:++ &umber =ne as(ed.

66our (nowledge of $panish stuns me. eah. #a loterGa.++

&umber =ne shoo( his head. 667ex numbers and 7ex call houses are strictly forsuc(ers.++


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5hy do you thin( % as(ed you: % thought but didn+t say.

66Besides"++ he went on" 66you win ten or twenty thousand pesos" big deal. 5hat+s thatin real money:


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moment . . . and adjusting the rope over the firm swell of her breasts with particularcare. Any way out of the cobwebs

that seemed to be falling around me sounded just peachy to me.

The trouble with the idea was simple/ the room hadn+t been tossed. The %&=8T was inthe trash" true enough" but that

didn+t indicate a struggle2 in fact" it was more as if . . .

There was just one thing left on the des(" placed s4uarely in the center of theblotter. A white envelope. ?ust loo(ing at

it gave me a bad feeling. 7y feet carried me across the room just the same" however"and % pic(ed it up. $eeing my

name written across the front of the envelope in !andy+s wide loops and swirls was nosurprise2 it was just another

unpleasant part of this long" unpleasant morning.

% ripped it open and a single slip of note-paper fell out into my hand.

3ear !lyde" % have had all of the groping and sneering %+m going to ta(e from you" and

% am tired of your ridiculous andchildish jo(es about my name. #ife is too short to be pawed by a middle-aged divorce

detective with bad breath. oudid have your good points !lyde but they are getting drownded out by the bad ones"

especially since you started drin(ingall the time. 3o yourself a favor and grow up. ours truely" Arlene !ain '.$./ %+m

going bac( to my mother+s in %daho.3o not try to get in touch with me.

% held the note a moment or two longer" loo(ing at it unbelievingly" then dropped it.=ne phrase from it recurred as %

watched it seesaw lazily down toward the already occupied trash bas(et/ % am tired ofyour ridiculous and childish jo(es

about my name. But had % ever (nown her name was anything other than !andy Fane: %searched my mind as the note

continued its lazy--and seemingly endless--swoops bac( and forth" and the answer wasan honest and resounding no.

Her name had always been !andy Fane" we+d jo(ed about it many a time" and if we+d hada few rounds of office

slap-and-tic(le" what of that: $he+d always enjoyed it. 5e both had.

3id she enjoy it: a voice spo(e up from somewhere deep inside me. 3id she really" oris that just another little fairytale

you+ve been telling yourself all these years:

% tried to shut that voice out" and after a moment or two % succeeded" but the one

that replaced it was even worse. Thatvoice belonged to none other than 'eoria $mith. % can 4uit actin li(e % died and went

to heaven every time someblowhard leaves me a nic(el tip" he said. Ain+t you pic(ing up on this newsflash" 7r.

8mney:

66$hut up" (id"++ % said to the empty room. 66,abriel Heatter you ain+t.++ % turnedaway from !andy+s des(" and as % did"

faces passed in front of my mind+s eye li(e the faces of some lunatic marching bandfrom hell/ ,eorge and ,loria

3emmic(" 'eoria $mith" Bill Tuggle" >ernon Flein" a million-dollar blonde who wentunder the two-bit name of

Arlene !ain . . . even the two painters were there.

!onfusion" confusion" nothing but confusion.


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Head down" % trudged into my office" closed the door behind me" and sat at the des(.3imly" through the closed window"

% could hear the traffic out on $unset. % had an idea that" for the right person" itwas still a spring morning so

#.A.-perfect you expected to see that little trademar( symbol stamped on it somewhere"

but for me all the light hadgone from the day . . . inside as well as out. % thought about the bottle of hooch in

the bottom drawer" but all of a suddeneven bending down to get it seemed li(e too much wor(. %t seemed" in fact" a job a(in

to climbing 7ount ;verest intennis shoes.

The smell of fresh paint had penetrated all the way into my inner sanctum. %t was asmell % ordinarily li(ed" but not

then. At that moment it was the smell of everything that had gone wrong since the3emmic(s hadn+t come into their

Hollywood bungalow bouncing wisecrac(s off each other li(e rubber balls and playingtheir records at top volume and

throwing their !orgi into conniptions with their endless billing and cooing. %toccurred to me with perfect clarity and

simplicity--the way %+d always imagined great truths must occur to the people theyoccur to--that if some doctor

could cut out the cancer that was (illing the


18/40

66,et outta here" whoever you are"++ % said without loo(ing up. 66?oint+s closed.++And something made me add" 66


19/40

straight out my seventh-floor office window. % thin( % might even have done it" if %hadn+t been so confused" so totally

lost. %+ve read the word unmanned plenty of times--it+s a favorite of the pulp-smithsand sob-sisters--but this was the

first time %+d ever actually felt that way.

$uddenly the office dar(ened. The day had been perfectly clear" % would have sworn tothat" but a cloud had crossed the

sun just the same. The man on the other side of the des( was at least ten years olderthan % was" maybe fifteen" his hair

almost completely white while mine was still almost all blac(" but that didn+t changethe simple fact--no matter what

he was calling himself or how old he loo(ed" he was me. Had % thought his voicesounded familiar: $ure. The way your

own voice sounds familiar--although not 4uite the way it sounds inside your own head--when you hear it on a

recording.

He pic(ed my limp hand up off the des(" shoo( it with the bris(ness of a real-estate

agent on the ma(e" then dropped itagain. %t hit the des(-blotter with a plop" landing on 7avis 5eld+s telephone number.

5hen % raised my fingers" % sawthat 7avis+s number was gone. %n fact" all the numbers %+d scratched on the blotter

over the years were gone. %t was asclear as . . . well" as clear as a hardshell Baptist+s conscience.

66?esus"++ % croa(ed. 66?esus !hrist.++

66&ot at all"++ the older version of me sitting in the client+s chair on the otherside of the des( said. 66#andry. $amuel 3.

#andry. At your service.++

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

>. An %nterview with ,od.

;ven as rattled as % was" it only too( me two or three seconds to place the name"probably because %+d heard it such a

short time ago. According to 'ainter &umber Two" $amuel #andry was the reason why thelong dar( hall leading to my

office was soon going to be oyster white. #andry was the owner of the


20/40

#andry paid absolutely no attention to this feeble effort on my part to shift thefocus of the conversation. 66es"++ he

said in a musing tone of voice" 66% imagine it+s been the granddaddy of bad days . . .and it+s my fault. %+m sorry"

!lyde--really. 7eeting you in person has been . . . well" not what % expected. &ot atall.


21/40

bastard had apparently gone a long way toward wearing it out.

66$orry" !lyde"++ he said. 66&o can do.++

He put his hand on that tiny" cunning zipper" and all at once #andry opening that casewas the last thing in the world %

wanted. To stop him % said" 663o you always go visiting your tenants dressed li(e aguy who ma(es his living following

the cabbage crop: 5hat are you" one of those eccentric millionaires:++

66%+m eccentric" all right"++ he said. 66And it won+t do you any good to draw thisbusiness out" !lyde.++

665hat gave you that ide--++

Then he said the thing %+d been dreading" and put out the last tiny flic(er of hope atthe same time. 66% (now all your

ideas" !lyde. After all" %+m you.++

% lic(ed my lips and forced myself to spea(2 anything to (eep him from yan(ing thatzipper. Anything at all. 7y voice

came out hus(y" but at least it did come out.

66eah" % noticed the resemblance. %+m not familiar with the cologne" though. %+m an=ld $pice man" myself.++

His thumb and finger remained pinched on the zipper" but he didn+t pull it. At leastnot yet.

66But you li(e this"++ he said with perfect assurance" 66and you+d use it if you couldget it down at the exall on the

corner" wouldn+t you: 8nfortunately" you can+t. %t+s Aramis" and it won+t be invented

for another forty years or so.++ Heglanced down at his weird" ugly bas(etball shoes. 66#i(e my snea(ers.++

66The devil you say.++

665ell" yes" % suppose the devil might come into it somewhere"++ #andry said" and hedidn+t smile.

665here are you from:++

66% thought you (new.++ #andry pulled the zipper" revealing a rectangular gadget madeof some smooth plastic. %t was

the same color the seventh-floor hall was going to be by the time the sun went down.

%+d never seen anything li(e it.There was no brand name on it" just something that must have been a serial number/ T-

E111. #andry lifted it out of itscarrying case" thumbed the catches on the sides" and lifted the hinged top to reveal

something that loo(ed li(e thetelescreen in a Buc( ogers movie. 66% come from the future"++ #andry said. 66?ust

li(e in a pulp magazine story.++

66ou come from $unnyland $anitarium" more li(e it"++ % croa(ed.

66But not exactly li(e a pulp science-fiction story"++ he went on" ignoring what %+dsaid. 66&o" not exactly.++ He pushed a

button on the side of the plastic case. There was a faint whirring sound from insidethe gadget" followed by a brief"


22/40

whistling beep. The thing sitting on his lap loo(ed li(e some strange stenographer+smachine . . . and % had an idea that

that wasn+t far from the truth.

He loo(ed up at me and said" 665hat was your father+s name" !lyde:++

% loo(ed at him for a moment" resisting an urge to lic( my lips again. The room wasstill dar(" the sun still behind some

cloud that hadn+t even been in sight when % came in off the street. #andry+s faceseemed to float in the gloom li(e an

old" shrivelled balloon.

665hat+s that got to do with the price of cucumbers in 7onrovia:++ % as(ed.

66ou don+t (now" do you:++

66=f course % do"++ % said" and % did. % just couldn+t come up with it" that was all--it was stuc( there on the tip of my

tongue" li(e 7avis 5eld+s phone number" which had been BAyshore something-or-other.

66How about your mother+s:++

66uit playing games with me9++

66Here+s an easy one--what high school did you go to: ;very red- blooded American manremembers what school he

went to" right: =r the first girl he ever went all the way with. =r the town he grewup in. 5as yours $an #uis

=bispo:++

% opened my mouth" but this time nothing came out.

66!armel:++

That sounded right . . . and then felt all wrong. 7y head was whirling.

66=r maybe it was 3usty Bottom" &ew 7exico.++

66!ut the crap9++ % shouted.

663o you (now: 3o you:++

66es9 %t was--++

He bent over. attled the (eys of his strange steno machine.

66$an 3iego9 Born and raised9++

He put the machine on my des( and turned it around so % could read the words floatingin the window above the

(eyboard.

66$an 3iego9 Born and raised9++

7y eyes dropped from the window to the word stamped into the plastic frame surroundingit.

665hat+s a Toshiba:++ % as(ed. 66$omething that comes on the side when you order aeebo( dinner:++


23/40

66%t+s a ?apanese electronics company.++

% laughed dryly. 665ho+re you (idding" mister: The ?aps can+t even ma(e wind-up toyswithout getting the springs in

upside down.++

66&ot now"++ he agreed" 66and spea(ing of now" !lyde" when is now: 5hat year is it:++

66ED0K"++ % said" then raised a half-numb hand to my face and rubbed my lips.

665ait a minute--ED0D.++

66%t might even be EDC1. Am % right:++

% said nothing" but % felt my face heating up.

663on+t feel bad" !lyde2 you don+t (now because % don+t (now. % always left it vague.The time-frame % was trying for

was actually more of a feel . . . call it !handler American Time" if you li(e. %t

wor(ed li(e gangbusters for most of myreaders" and it made things simpler from a copy-editing standpoint as well" because

you can never exactly pinpoint thepassage of time. Haven+t you ever noticed how often you say things li(e 6for more

years than % can remember+ or6longer ago than % li(e to thin( about+ or 6since Hector was a pup+:++

66&ope--can+t say that % have.++ But now that he mentioned it" % did notice. And thatmade me thin( of the #.A. Times. %

read it every day" but exactly which days were they: ou couldn+t tell from the paperitself" because there was never a

date on the masthead" only that slogan which reads 66America+s


24/40

But #andry was sha(ing his head. 66&ot everything. ?ust #os Angeles and a fewsurrounding areas. This version of #os

Angeles" that is" complete with the occasional continuity glitch or made-upaddition.++

66Bull"++ % said" but % whispered the word.

66$ee the picture on the wall to the left of the door" !lyde:++

% glanced at it" but hardly had to2 it was 5ashington crossing the 3elaware" and ithad been there since . . . well" since

Hector was a pup.

#andry had ta(en his plastic Buc( ogers steno machine bac( onto his lap" and wasbending over it.

663on+t do that9++ % shouted" and tried to reach for him. % couldn+t do it. 7y armshad no strength" it seemed" and % could

summon no resolve. % felt lethargic" drained" as if % had lost about three pints ofblood and was losing more all the time.

He rattled the (eys again. Turned the machine toward me so % could read the words inthe window. They read/ =n the

wall to the left of the door leading out to !andy-#and" =ur evered #eader hangs . . .but always slightly as(ew. That+s

my way of (eeping him in perspective.

% loo(ed bac( at the picture. ,eorge 5ashington was gone" replaced by a photo of


25/40

dream. =ddly enough" it was the smell of his cologne that (ept me from being able todo that--that familiar smell %+d

never smelled in my life. How could % have: %t was Aramis" a brand as unfamiliar to meas Toshiba.

But he was going on.

66ou+ve grown a lot more complex and interesting. ou were pretty one-dimensional tostart with.++ He cleared his

throat and smiled down at his hands for a moment. 665hat a pisser for me.++

He winced a little at the anger in my voice" but made himself loo( up again" just thesame. 66our last boo( was How

#i(e a


26/40

,loria 3emmic(+s pretty face and daffy demeanor. They were just a little too !ole'orter to be true" if you see what %

mean. And now % was somehow sure that ,eorge had finally snapped and (illed his wife .. . probably their yappy

5elsh !orgi" as well. ,loria might be sitting propped up in the bathroom cornerbetween the shower and the toilet

right now" her face blac(" her eyes bulging li(e old dull marbles" her tongueprotruding between her blue lips. The dog

was lying with its head in her lap and a wire coathanger twisted around its nec(" itsshrill bar( stilled forever. And

,eorge: 3ead on the bed with ,loria+s bottle of >eronals--now empty--standing besidehim on the night-table. &o

more parties" no more jitterbugging at Al Arif" no more frothy upper-class murdercases in 'alm 3esert or Beverly

,len. They were cooling off now" drawing flies" growing pale under their fashionablepoolside tans.

,eorge and ,loria 3emmic(" who had died inside this man+s machine. 5ho had died insidethis man+s head.

66ou did one lousy job of not scaring me"++ % said" and immediately wondered if itwould have been possible for him to

do a good one. As( yourself this/ how do you get a person ready to meet ,od: %+ll beteven 7oses got a little hot under

the robe when he saw that bush start to glow" and %+m nothing but a shamus who wor(sfor forty a day plus expenses.

66How #i(e a


27/40

% held up my hand. 66#et+s s(ip the lit class and get down to the bottom line. This iscrazy" but--++ 7y eyes drifted to

the picture of oosevelt" from there they went to the eerily blan( blotter" and fromthere they went bac( to the haggard

face on the other side of the des(. 66--but let+s say % believe it. 5hat are you doing

here: 5hat did you come for:++

;xcept % already (new. % detect for a living" but the answer to that one came from myheart" not my head.

66% came for you.++

66


28/40

665hy are you doing this: 5hy are you stealing my life:++

His eyes flic(ered with anger at that. 66our life: ou (now better than that" !lyde"even if you don+t want to admit it.

%t isn+t your life at all. % made you up" starting on one rainy day in ?anuary of ED

and continuing right up to thepresent time. % gave you your life" and it+s mine to ta(e away.++

66>ery noble"++ % sneered" 66but if ,od came down here right now and started yan(ingyour life apart li(e bad stitches in

a scarf" you might find it a little easier to appreciate my point of view.++

66All right"++ he said" 66% suppose you+ve got a point. But why argue it: Arguing withone+s self is li(e playing solitaire

chess--a fair game results in a stalemate every time. #et+s just say %+m doing itbecause % can.++

% felt a little calmer" all of a sudden. % had been down this street before. 5hen they

got the drop on you" you had to getthem tal(ing and (eep them tal(ing. %t had wor(ed with 7avis 5eld and it would wor(

here. They said stuff li(e 5ell"% suppose it won+t hurt you to (now now or 5hat harm can it do:

7avis+s version had been downright elegant/ % want you to (now" 8mney--% want you tota(e the truth to hell with you.

ou can pass it on to the devil over ca(e and coffee. %t really didn+t matter whatthey said" but if they were tal(ing" they

weren+t shooting.

Always (eep em tal(ing" that was the thing. Feep em tal(ing and just hope the cavalrywould show up from

somewhere.

66The 4uestion is" why do you want to:++ % as(ed. 66%t+s hardly the usual thing" isit: % mean" aren+t you writer types

usually content to cash the chec(s when they come" and go about your business:++

66ou+re trying to (eep me tal(ing" !lyde. Aren+t you:++

That hit me li(e a suc(er-punch to the gut" but playing it down to the last card wasthe only choice % had. % grinned and

shrugged. 667aybe. 7aybe not. ;ither way" % really do want to (now.++ And there was nolie in that.

He loo(ed unsure for a moment longer" bent over and touched the (eys inside thatstrange plastic case )% felt cramps in

my legs and gut and chest as he stro(ed them*" then straightened up again.

66% suppose it won+t hurt you to (now now"++ he said finally. 66After all" what harmcan it do:++

66&ot a bit.++

66ou+re a clever boy" !lyde"++ he said" 66and you+re perfectly right --writers veryrarely plunge all the way into the

worlds they+ve created" and when they do % thin( they end up doing it strictly intheir heads" while their bodies vegetate

in some mental asylum. 7ost of us are content simply to be tourists in the country ofour imaginations. !ertainly that


29/40

was the case with me. %+m not a fast writer--composition has always been torture forme" % thin( % told you that--but %

managed five !lyde 8mney boo(s in ten years" each more successful than the last. %nEDK0 % left my job as regional

manager for a big insurance company and started to write full-time. % had a wife %loved" a little boy that (ic(ed the sun

out of bed every morning and put it to bed every night--that+s how it seemed to me"anyway--and % didn+t thin( life

could get any better.++

He shifted in the overstuffed client+s chair" moved his hand" and % saw the cigaretteburn Ardis 7c,ill had put in the

over-stuffed arm was also gone. He voiced a bitterly cold laugh.

66And % was right"++ he said. 66%t couldn+t get any better" but it could get a wholehell of a lot worse. And did. About

three months after % started How #i(e a


30/40

blotches-- Faposi+s sarcoma--showed up in time for his birthday in $eptember. He diedon 7arch EK" EDDE. And

maybe he didn+t suffer as much as some of them do" but he suffered. =h yes" hesuffered.++

% didn+t have the slightest idea what Faposi+s sarcoma was" either" and decided %

didn+t want to as(. % (new more than %wanted to already.

66ou can maybe understand why it slowed me down a little on your boo("++ he said.66!an+t you" !lyde:++

% nodded.

66% pushed on" though. 7ostly because % thin( ma(e-believe is a great healer. 7aybe %have to believe that. % tried to get

on with my life" too" but things (ept going wrong with it--it was as if How #i(e a


31/40

a hurry. %t was sort of awful" realizing % had been made by such a bush-league versionof ,od" but it also explained a

lot. 7y shortcomings" mainly.

66That+s enough"++ he said in a voice which was blurred with anger as well as tears.66,et to the point" you+d say. %n my

time we say cut to the chase" but it comes to the same. % finished the boo(. =n theday % discovered #inda dead in

bed--the way the police are going to find ,loria 3emmic( later today" !lyde--% hadfinished one hundred and ninety

pages of manuscript. % was up to the part where you fish 7avis+s brother out of #a(eTahoe. % came home from the

funeral three days later" fired up the word-processor" and got started right in onpage one-ninety-one. 3oes that shoc(

you:++

66&o"++ % said. % thought about as(ing him what a word-processor might be" thendecided % didn+t have to. The thing in

his lap was a word-processor" of course. Had to be.

66ou+re in a decided minority"++ #andry said. 66%t shoc(ed what few friends % hadleft" shoc(ed them plenty. #inda+s

relatives thought % had all the emotion of a warthog. % didn+t have the energy toexplain that % was trying to save myself.


32/40

in the least/ $unset Boulevard and all that surrounded it had frozen solid. !ars"buses" pedestrians" all stopped dead in

their trac(s. %t was a Foda( snapshot world out there" and why not: %ts creator couldnot be bothered with animating

much of it" at least for the time being2 he was still caught in the whirlpool of hisown pain and grief. Hell" % was luc(y

to still be breathing myself.

66$o what happened:++ % as(ed. 66How did you get here" $am: !an % call you that: 3oyou mind:++

66&o" % don+t mind. % can+t give you a very good answer" though" because % don+texactly (now. All % (now for sure is

that every time % thought of the pills" % thought of you. 5hat % thought specificallywas" 6!lyde 8mney would never do

this" and he+d sneer at anyone who did. He+d call it the coward+s way out.+ ++

% considered that" found it fair enough" and nodded. ernon+s

cancer" or the misbegotten nightmare that had (illed this man+s son--% might ma(e anexception" but ta(e the pipe just

because you were depressed: That was for pansies.

66Then % thought" 6But that+s !lyde 8mney" and !lyde is ma(e-believe . . . just afigment of your imagination.+ That

idea wouldn+t live" though. %t+s the dumbbells of the world--politicians and lawyers"for the most part--who sneer at

imagination" and thin( a thing isn+t real unless they can smo(e it or stro(e it orfeel it or fuc( it. They thin( that way

because they have no imagination themselves" and they have no idea of its power. %(new better. Hell" % ought to-- my

imagination has been buying my food and paying the mortgage for the last ten years or

so.

66At the same time" % (new % couldn+t go on living in what % used to thin( of as 6thereal world"+ by which % suppose we

all mean 6the only world.+ That+s when % started to realize there was only one placeleft where % could go and feel

welcome" and only one person % could be when % got there. The place was here--#osAngeles" in ED01-something. And

the person was you.++

% heard that faint whirring sound coming from inside his gadget again" but % didn+tturn around.

'artly because % was afraid to.

And partly because % no longer (new if % could.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

>%. 8mney+s #ast !ase.

=n the street seven stories below" a man was frozen with his head half-turned to loo(at the woman on the corner" who

was climbing up the step of the eight-fifty bus headed downtown. $he had exposed amomentary length of beautiful

leg" and this was what the man was loo(ing at. A little farther down the street a boywas holding out his battered old


33/40

baseball glove to catch the ball frozen in mid-air just above his head. And" floatingsix feet above the street li(e a ghost

called up by a third-rate swami at a carnival seance" was one of the newspapers from'eoria $mith+s overturned table.

%ncredibly" % could see the two photographs on it from up here/ Hitler above the fold"the recently deceased !uban

bandleader below it.

#andry+s voice seemed to come from a long way off.

66At first % thought that meant %+d be spending the rest of my life in some nut-ward"thin(ing % was you" but that was all

right" because it would only be my physical self loc(ed up in the funny-farm" do yousee: And then" gradually" % began

to realize that it could be a lot more than that . . . that maybe there might be a way% could actually . . . well . . . slip all

the way in. And do you (now what the (ey was:++

66es"++ % said" not loo(ing around. That whir came again as something in his gadget

revolved" and suddenly thenewspaper frozen in mid-air flapped off down the frozen Boulevard. A moment or two

later an old 3e$oto rolledjer(ily through the intersection of $unset and


34/40

ed 3oor" a nightclub reputedly owned by #uc(y #uciano" disappeared.


35/40

two in the morning" shoot it out with hoodlums--(nowing they may die but % won+t--andwa(e up eight hours later

next to a beautiful chanteuse with the birds twittering in the trees and the sunshining in my bedroom window. That

clear" beautiful !alifornia sun.++

667y bedroom window faces west"++ % said.

66&ot anymore"++ he replied calmly" and % felt my hands curl into strengthless fistson the arms of my chair. 663o you see

how wonderful it is: How perfect: %n this world" people don+t go half-mad with itchingcaused by a stupid" undignified

disease called shingles. %n this world" people don+t go gray" let alone bald.++

He loo(ed at me levelly" and in his gaze % saw no hope for me. &o hope at all.

66%n this world" beloved sons never die of A%3$ and beloved wives never ta(e overdosesof sleeping pills. Besides" you

were always the outsider here" not me" no matter how it might have felt to you. This

is my world" born in myimagination and maintained by my effort and ambition. % loaned it to you for awhile"

that+s all . . . and now %+m ta(ingit bac(.++

66


36/40

alone. % (now it+s not really my world out there anymore--hell" in here" either--butit+s the only world %+ll ever come

close to (nowing. #et me have what+s left of it. 'lease.++

66Too late" !lyde.++ Again % heard that merciless regret in his voice. 66!lose youreyes. %+ll ma(e it as fast as % can.++

% tried to jump him--% tried as hard as % could. % didn+t move so much as an iota. Andas far as closing my eyes went" %

discovered % didn+t need to. All the light had gone out of the day" and the office wasas dar( as midnight in a coalsac(.

% sensed rather than saw him lean over the des( toward me. % tried to draw bac( anddiscovered % couldn+t even do that.

$omething dry and rustly touched my hand and % screamed.

66Ta(e it easy" !lyde.++ His voice" coming out of the dar(ness. !oming not just fromin front of me but from

everywhere. =f course" % thought. After all" %+m a figment of his imagination. 66%t+s

only a chec(.++

66A . . . chec(:++

66es. %%. The =ther $ide of the #ight.

All that was six months ago.


37/40

% came to on the floor of a gloomy room with a humming in my ears" pushed myself to my(nees" shoo( my head to

clear it" and loo(ed up into the bright green glare %+d fallen through" li(e Alicethrough the loo(ing glass. % saw a Buc(

ogers machine that was the big brother of the one #andry had brought into my office.

,reen letters shone on it and %pushed myself to my feet so % could read them" absently running my fingernails up and

down over my lower arms as %did so/

$o % left town" and as to where % finished up . . . well" mister" % thin( that+s mybusiness. 3on+t you:

And below that" capitalized and centered" two more words/ TH; ;&3.

% read it again" now running my fingers over my stomach. % was doing it because therewas something wrong with my

s(in" something that wasn+t exactly painful but was certainly bothersome. As soon as

it rose to the fore in my mind" %realized that weird sensation was going on everywhere--the nape of my nec(" the bac(s

of my thighs" in my crotch.

$hingles" % thought suddenly. %+ve got #andry+s shingles. 5hat %+m feeling is itching"and the reason % didn+t recognize it

right away is because--

66Because %+ve never had an itch before"++ % said" and then the rest of it clic(edinto place. The clic( was so sudden and so

hard that % actually swayed on my feet. % wal(ed slowly across to a mirror on thewall" trying not to scratch my weirdly

crawling s(in" (nowing % was going to see an aged version of my face" a face cut with

lines li(e old dry washes andtopped with a shoc( of lac(luster white hair.

&ow % (new what happened when writers somehow too( over the lives of the charactersthey had created. %t wasn+t

exactly theft after all.

7ore of a swap.

% stood staring into #andry+s face--my face" only aged fifteen hard years--and felt mys(in tingling and buzzing.

Hadn+t he said his shingles had been getting better: %f this was better" how had heendured worse without going

completely insane:

% was in #andry+s house" of course--my house" now--and in the bathroom off the study"% found the medication he too(

for his shingles. % too( my first dose less than an hour after % came to on the floorbelow his des( and the humming

machine on it" and it was as if % had swallowed his life instead of medicine.

As if %+d swallowed his whole life.

These days the shingles are a thing of the past" %+m happy to report. 7aybe it justran its course" but % li(e to thin( that

the old !lyde 8mney spirit had something to do with it--!lyde was never sic( a day inhis life" you (now" and


38/40

although % seem to always have the sniffles in this run-down $am #andry body" %+ll bedamned if %+ll give in to them . . .

and since when did it hurt to turn on a little of that positive thin(ing: % thin( thecorrect answer to that one is 66since

never.++

There have been some pretty bad days" though" the first one coming less than twenty-four hours after % showed up in the

unbelievable year of EDDC. % was loo(ing through #andry+s fridge for something to eat)%+d pigged out on his Blac(

Horse Ale the night before and felt it couldn+t hurt my hangover to eat something*when a sudden pain (nifed into my

guts. % thought % was dying. %t got worse" and % (new % was dying. % fell to the(itchen floor" trying not to scream. A

moment or two later" something happened" and the pain eased.

7ost of my life %+ve been using the phrase 66% don+t give a shit.++ All that haschanged" starting that morning. % cleaned

myself up" then climbed the stairs" (nowing what %+d find in the bedroom/ wet sheets

in #andry+s bed.

7y first wee( in #andry+s world was spent mostly in toilet-training myself. %n myworld" of course" nobody ever went

to the bathroom. =r to the dentist" for that matter" and my first trip to the onelisted in #andry+s olodex is something %

don+t even want to thin( about" let alone discuss.

But there+s been an occasional rose in this nest of brambles.


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television machine less than two hours after % figured out how to use it. %t doesn+tsurprise me that #andry wanted to

leave this groaning world with its freight of disease and senseless violence--a worldwhere na(ed women dance in

nightclub windows" and sex with them can (ill you.

&o" % spend my time inside" mostly. % have re-read each of his novels" and each one isli(e leafing through the pages of a

well-loved scrapboo(. And %+ve taught myself to use his word-processing machine" ofcourse. %t+s not li(e the

television machine2 the screen is similar" but on the word-processor" you can ma(ewhatever pictures you want to see"

because they all come from inside your own head.

% li(e that.

%+ve been getting ready" you see--trying sentences and discarding them the way you trypieces in a jigsaw puzzle. And

this morning % wrote a few that seem right . . . or almost right. 5ant to hear: =(ay"

here goes/

5hen % loo(ed toward the door" % saw a very chastened" very downcast 'eoria $mithstanding there. 66% guess % treated

you pretty bad the last time % saw you" 7r. 8mney"++ he said. 66% came to say %+msorry.++ %t had been over six months"

but he loo(ed the same as ever. And % do mean the same.

66ou+re still wearing your cheaters"++ % said.

66eah. 5e tried the operation" but it didn+t wor(.++ He sighed" then grinned andshrugged. %n that moment he loo(ed

li(e the 'eoria %+d always (nown. 665hat the hey" 7r. 8mney--bein blind ain+t so

bad.++

%t isn+t perfect2 sure" % (now that. % started out as a detective" not a writer. But %believe you can do just about anything"

if you want to bad enough" and when you get right down to where the cheese binds" thisis a (ind of (eyhole-peeping"

too. The size and shape of the word-processor (eyhole are a little different" but it+sstill loo(ing into other people+s

lives and then reporting bac( to the client on what you saw.

%+m teaching myself for one very simple reason/ % don+t want to be here. ou can callit #.A. in EDDC if you want to2 %

call it hell. %t+s awful frozen dinners you coo( in a box called a 66microwave"++ it+s

snea(ers that loo( li(e


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5hat are you doing right this minute" you thief: ;ating dinner at that 'etit 3Mjeunerrestaurant you made up: $leeping

beside some gorgeous honey with perfect no-sag breasts and murder up the sleeve of hernegligee: 3riving down to

7alibu with carefree abandon: =r just (ic(ing bac( in the old office chair" enjoyingyour painless" odorless" shitless

life: 5hat are you doing:

%+ve been teaching myself to write" that+s what %+ve been doing" and now that %+vefound my way in" % thin( %+ll get

better in a hurry. Already % can almost see you.

Tomorrow morning" !lyde and 'eoria are going to go down to Blondie+s" which has re-opened for business. This time

'eoria+s going to ta(e !lyde up on that brea(fast offer. That will be step two.

es" % can almost see you" $am" and pretty soon % will. But % don+t thin( you+ll seeme. &ot until % step out from behind

my office door and wrap my hands around your throat.

This time nobody goes home.

stephen king - umney's last case

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