Shrew weekly! By: Tamara Zennie

HEADLINES: HOW TO TAME YOU’RE WOMAN

WHATS THE NEW FASHION?

IS MARRYING FOR MONEY THE NEXT BIG

THING?

By: Katie, Eden and Tamara

Top 3 Catastrophic Weddings of the Year

SATURDAY ; SUNDAY ; MONDAY ; TUESDAY ; WEDNESDAY ; THURSDAY; FRIDAY

It seems as though Cupid hasn’t been around for the past couple of months. The top three catastrophic weddings of the year have never been worse. In third place, we have the wedding of the beloved Harry Cutler III, and his now wife, Mary Cutler. Let’s just say their wedding didn’t go exactly as planned. As Mrs.Cutler walked toward the wedding cake with her new husband, she tripped over her own feet, causing her to fall head first into some vanilla frosting. Sorry about that, Mary. Maybe a shorter dress next time?

In second place we’ve got the wedding of what was supposed to be Mr. and Mrs. Dyer. As this now broken-up couple said their wedding vows, it seems as though James, (Mr.Dyer), had someone else in mind while saying “I love you” to Margret, his supposed to be wife. Instead of saying “I love you Margret”, he said “I love you Melanie”. Margret then thought it was appropriate to slap James in the face. She then tossed her wedding ring into a fountain close by, and ran off. James then received a few more slaps from the maids of honor. His cheek now needs medical attention. Ouch.

And the winner of the most catastrophic wedding is... Petruchio and Katherine! This couple leaves us confounded at how two such people could end up together. Katherine Minola. That names brings goosebumps to our arms. She is commonly referred to as a “shrew” because of her impolite, careless, behavior. And we soon found out that dealing with Petruchio isn’t a walk in the park either. Petruchio however, was the one who shocked us the most at the wedding. To start, the groom was late to his own wedding. When he arrived, he was dressed in the most ridiculous habiliments, riding a horse that was in a terrible condition.

To top this off, he ran off with his wife Katherine right after the wedding, not allowing her to be congratulated by her family and friends, (we assume she does have friends). Petruchio said these words as he left the wedding, “Gentlemen and friends, I thank you for your pains. I know you think to dine with me today. And have prepared great store of wedding, but so it is, my haste doth call me hence, and therefore here I mean to take my leave.” We are still waiting for information on how the rest of their night went. Congratulations, or not, to the most catastrophic wedding of the year!

Finding a Man for your Ogress DaughterBy: Eden Laing

Breaking news, last week Petruchio of Padua finally tamed the shrew of Padua, Katherine Minola. After a long, extensive project to try to tame Katherine he finally pulled it off at Bianca and Lucentio’s wedding. While being interviewed on this surprising turn of events Petruchio spilled how he did it. He told us step by step how he tamed the biggest shrew of them all. And this is what he said:

“Thus have I politicly begun my reign, and ’tis my hope to end successfully. My falcon now is sharp and passing empty, and, till she stoop, she must not be full-gorged, for then she never looks upon her lure. Another way I have to man my haggard, to make her come and know her keeper’s call. That is, to watch her, as we watch these kites that bate and beat and will not be obedient. She ate no meat today, nor none shall eat. Last night she slept not, nor tonight she shall not. As with the meat, some undeservèd fault I’ll find about the making of the bed, And here I’ll fling the pillow, there the bolster, This way the coverlet, another way the sheets. Ay, and amid this hurly I intend that all is done in reverend care of her. And, in conclusion, she shall watch all all night, and if she chance to nod I’ll rail and brawl, and with the clamor keep her still awake. This is a way to kill a wife with kindness, and thus I’ll curb her mad and headstrong humor. He that knows better how to tame a shrew, now let him speak; ’tis charity to show.”

First, Petruchio pulls off the wedding of the century and now this! The surprises keep getting bigger. What will Petruchio do next. Now we give you the step by step guide to how he did this from the moment they wed. Petruchio arrived astonishingly late for his own wedding and dressed appallingly. He refused to change and when to go marry her dressed as he was. After daring to do that he went even further by leaving the wedding strait away and taking Katherine with him! Talk about embarrassing. The ride home was a nightmare. Here is word from Petruchio servant Grumio who was witness to it all:“Tell thou the tale! But hadst thou not crossed me, thou shouldst have heard how her horse fell, and she under her horse. Thou shouldst have heard in how miry a place, how she was bemoiled, how he left her with the horse upon her, how he beat me because her horse stumbled, how she waded through the dirt to pluck him off me, how he swore, how she prayed that never prayed before, how I cried, how the horses ran away, how her bridle was burst, how I lost my crupper, with many things of worthy memory which now shall die in oblivion, and thou return unexperienced to thy grave.” Then after facing this nightmarish day Petruchio told her she could not eat any of the dinner prepared as it was not cooked right, making Katherine go hungry for a second night. At night Petruchio made loud noises to keep Katherine from sleeping, now that’s commitment! Petruchio promised to get Katherine a new dress for her sisters wedding. He called in the tailor, even had a beautiful dress and hat made, and when Katherine saw it he told the tailor that it was terrible and to take it away, forcing Katherine to wear

He told us that it is most important to find out whats most important to her and to use that to manipulate her. Petruchio told her that unless she does what he wants, she will not see her family again, thus, scaring her into always doing what he wanted after that, therefore taming her. Petruchio wanted everyone to see this miraculous feat at the wedding so he made a bet with the other married couples there that who ever’s wife came when summoned would win the bet, and shocking everyone there, Katherine was the only wife to come.

ASK TAWNEY: MAN TROUBLES

Dear Tawney: There is a man called Cambio that fancies me but he has not made a commitment. He speaks of love to me in Latin. Please help these mix signals are killing me! - Bianca

Answer - Bianca, do not fret, i am sure it is just a bump in the road. Cambio must be going through a lot at the moment and I am sure you too will have a bright future together.

Dear Tawney: There is this guy,we are recently wed but he will not let me eat or sleep. what is he trying to do to me?

- KatherineAnswer - Katherine, this

seems like a job of taming. I believe that you’r new husband is trying to tame you. This may have been an outcome of shrewish behavior.

Do not worry.

everything will be okay .

To ask a question, please send the mail to: 102 sycamore street; next to the butcher

Dear Tawney,I am widowed. I am love a man name Hortensio but he is after another woman. What do I do?

- HeatherAnswer - Heather, this is difficult situation, But not impossible. What you must do is talk to him more. Prove that you are the right one for him by flirting and being of service to him. Make him dinner?

By: Katie Bell-Wright

This month’s 5 top bachelors, who are guaranteed to sweep you off your feet, are:Gremio: A not so good-looking, but completely rich bachelor, who will provide you with your every need.Petruchio: A fiery, and not so bad looking, suitor who is bound to keep the conversation interesting.Lucentio: A romantic gentleman who is fluent in the language of love.Hortencio: A man of stature and influence who is known to fiddle a bit.Baptista: A widowed, and filthy rich, father who is looking for someone to fill the hole in his heart.(Send a messenger to the match making store in the Town Square for more details)

Today’s Most Charming Bachelors.By: Eden Laing

Petruchio’s Horse For Sale!By: Tamara Zennie

Attention to all horseback riders! An interesting horse is now for sale at very cheap prices. This horse will sell for 45,000 Liras only, and although not in the best condition, this horse will not disappoint you. He is the right size for any rider, and is also strong enough to transport bags or any other goods. OK, he may have a few tumors, but that makes him an even braver horse, with a huge smile across his face. This horse has been ridden by the one and only Petruchio, who is now married to a woman named Katherine. Unfortunately, the horse may have slightly landed on Katherine, but she has been know to act a little “shrewish”, which proves that the horse is smart enough to tell personalities. Hurry up, and buy this magnificent animal, before another wise horseback rider does!

Party Designer! By: Katie Bell-wright

From Babtista, to Katherine, this crazy designer has seen it all, done it all and planned the craziest party's ever. But this amazing designer has also done the most magical parties. Elizabeth the party designer, can whip up whatever you would like in lass than 15 minutes! But thats not all,  he comes with his amazing sidekick Jaun. Jaun is french, Jaun is also in charge of the food served at the party for he is a chef. Get the two amazing party palanners for only $200.000. But hurry these party planners are already books up to 2012!

The Key to Hitching Any Daughter.By: Eden Laing

Many father’s now days are faced with the very serious question of finding a suitor for there daughters, and not just anyone, someone of stature and power who is worthy of your daughter. Baptista Minola was faced with this very problem himself when he had many suitors for his younger daughter, Bianca, but not so many for his ogress daughter, Katherine. When Baptista was faced with this very looming task of finding a husband for his daughter he very smartly came up with a plan to hitch Kate by using Bianca:

“Gentlemen, importune me no farther, for how I firmly am resolved you know— that is, not to bestow my youngest daughter before I have a husband for the elder. If either of you both love Katherina, because I know you well and love you well leave shall you have to court her at your pleasure.”

Baptista decided use Bianca as persuasion to the suitors by saying that until Katherine is married, Bianca shall not be. Therefore using his charming daughter to bate the suitors into finding a suitor for Katherine. And it worked for Katherine is now happily married off to the well known Petruchio of Padua, son of Vincentio. When questioned about why he did it Baptista told us that he was not going to be embarrassed by his daughter or weighed down by her burden for all his life and that he was looking out for her best interest. Many men cannot afford having daughters not be married as they must look after them until they do which is quite a finical burden. That is why most people want sons not only to carry the family name but so they don’t have that burden on them. Baptista unfortunately was cursed with two daughters to wed and even though one was a saint the other was quite a monster. Baptista was quite clever in using his resources to his advantage.After making that statement, the suitors of Bianca worked to together to  find someone who was brave enough and who needed the money who would become Katherine’s suitor. That is how Petruchio stumbled into the picture, being completely ready for the challenge and within a few days Katherine and Petruchio were married. So  Baptista’s original plan help both himself be rid of a daughter and Katherine find a husband worth her temper and tongue.

Sister Struggles.By: Tamara Zennie

Having sister trouble? So are Katherine and Bianca Minola. These two young women have been fighting for as long as they can remember. Jealousy must run in their family. Katherine, Bianca’s older sister, does not exactly treat her younger sister too well. She is jealous of Bianca’s intelligence, beauty, and who knows what else. However she’s not the only one to complain about things being unfair. Bianca is not allowed to marry until Katherine does herself. And Katherine isn’t exactly a man’s first choice because of her shrewish behavior. Conflicts rose between these these two sisters. They got so extreme that Bianca once asked Katherine to “untie her hands”. Katherine also called her sister a “pretty peat” meaning that her sister was spoiled brat. Katherine may need to work on her behavior if she is to find a man to marry her. Bianca, on the other hand, should have no problem finding a special someone to please her. Men have been lining up for Bianca’s love. Why wouldn’t they? Bianca is known as nothing less than the affable, beautiful daughter of Baptista Minlola, her rich father. Katherine is not pleased with the decision that her father has made, but must go with it, in order for Bianca tomarry. They must nowfinda man that is able to put upwith Katherine craziness. The fire between Katherine and Bianca continues to rise. We hope they will be able to figure things out. Good luck Katherine and Bianca!  

MARRYING FOR MONEY? SEND US SOME MAIL ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT

102 SYCAMORE STREET. NEXTTO THE BUTCHER.

Is marrying for money the next big thing? It seems so, recently men all over the country have been marrying their beloved shrews for nothing more than some cash and the opportunity to tame there darling wives. They seem to be using a quite peculiar method, the same as the taming of a falcon. So is cash instead of love better? Seems like the love has not been filling the air with the crazy couple of Katherine and Petruchio. We interviewed the poor shrew - here are some words he has said to Katherine. “ Thy gown? why, ay. Come tailor, let us see ‘ t. O mercy God, what masking - stuff is here?.” This poor shrew named Katherine has been bought? Seems so! But is marrying for money a good thing or a bad thing? We have had mails saying that is all depends on how the man tames his beloved womanly shrew. Also for how long he tames her.

Is Marrying for money the Next Big Thing?By: Katie Bell-wright

Does he love you

or not?

Katherine’s Wedding Dress. By: Eden Laing

Come and get the exclusive wedding dress of Katherine the Shrew today! Only worn once and though not is perfect condition it has been worn by Padua’s, The Shrew! Various holes and muddy patches cover the dress form head to foot and the stench is permanent but is a fashion icon and is bound to be the envy of all. Only 740,000 Lira! Send a messenger to Katherine’s residence to get further details.

The mustard!By: Katie Bell-Wright

Buy the same mustard that Petruchio didn’t want katherine to eat, while he was taming her! Now only $400 but if all you want is the brand then it is $4!

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Comic By: Tamara Zennie

For any comments, questions or conserns please send a messenger or mail to 102 sycamore street; next to the butcher.