BE a real MANSession 4Marriage

BE a real man – God’s Way 1

The real man and...◦ Week 1: a friend◦ Week 2: his devotion to God◦ Week 3: prayer◦ Week 4: his marriage◦ Week 5: his children◦ Week 6: his acquaintances◦ Week 7: his work◦ Week 8: his free time

BE a real man – God’s Way 2

Outline for series

Ephesians 5:22-33

BE a real man – God’s Way 3

Scripture Reading

The physical and spiritual union of a man and a woman◦ Harper's Bible Dictionary

A humbling journey◦ Jim Burns, Creating an Intimate marriage

Covenant, not contract Contract

◦ Mutual contribution of two business partners◦ Arrangement ends if contributions are not satisfactory

Covenant◦ Loving agreement, bonds together in love◦ Covenant love in bible: Never stopping, never giving up,

unbreaking, always and forever love

BE a real man – God’s Way 4

Marriage definitions

1 Corinthians 13:11 (ESV) 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.

BE a real man – God’s Way 5

The man’s world - Biblical

1. Boy

2. Man

Leave parents’ home

Education/training

Job

Marriage

Parent

BE a real man – God’s Way 6

Transition: Boy to Man

G. Stanley Hall, Phsycologist, 1904

3. Adolescent Man

BE a real man – God’s Way 7

Man’s world - Modern

1. Boy

3. Man

2. Adolescence

Men

Bible

Boys Men

Worldly

Boys Adolescence

Adolescent Men

BE a real man – God’s Way 8

Biblical vs Modern times

“The essence of man is taking responsibility” –◦ Mark Driscoll

BE a real man – God’s Way 9

Adolescent Man

Why?

Responsibility

(or lack thereof)

MEN

Biblical

Producer

Create Cultivate

Worldly

Consumer

Destroy Decay

BE a real man – God’s Way 10

Biblical Man vs Wordly Man

Tough

Defend, justice, mercy

Honourable in

business

Truth, error, false teaching

SinPersistent

sinful brothers

BE a real man – God’s Way 11

Tough and Tender

Tender

Wife, children

Encourage downcast

Teaching the simple

Comfort hurting

Already broken by

sin

BE a real man – God’s Way 12

Tough and Tender

Lacks emotion (other than anger). Not verbal, no opening up No deep conversation with wife, selfish Not physical unless sexual

Learn:◦ Both man and woman created in image of God◦ Both have same emotions, express different ways

BE a real man – God’s Way 13

Tough chauvinist 1: Opposite of Woman

Possessions Beauty of wife Appearance Performance of children Income Skills Degree Car

BE a real man – God’s Way 14

Tough chauvinist 2: Success-and-Status

Hates to be under authority Appoints himself as king and lord Be in charge, boss around, barks orders Whiny Their wives often weary, shows on faces Children either dispise or parrot Bible reading:

◦ Remembers: Man is head over woman◦ Forgets: Repentance, friendship, love, humility

BE a real man – God’s Way 15

Tough chauvinist 3: I’m the Boss

Disorganised with life Keeping a job difficult Responsibilities in way of hobbies, friends Immature in interests and mannerisms Money trouble, borrows Women sometimes attracted, mothering

BE a real man – God’s Way 16

Tender coward 1: Little Boy

Works hard – job, garden, house Pays bills TV Always busy on something

◦ Car, internet, housework, study◦ Something other than connection with family

Solo or male activities – hunt, fish, ride Physically present, emotionally absent

BE a real man – God’s Way 17

Tender coward 2: Sturdy Oak

Christian t-shirts, bumper sticker Christian music, books Embarrasses wife and children Everything has connection with out-of-

context bible verse/theological position

BE a real man – God’s Way 18

Tender coward 3: Hyper-Spiritual

Tough◦ Religious – All factions◦ False teachers – Apostle Paul (Saul)◦ Proud - Pharisees◦ Arrogant – Pilate, Peter

Tender◦ Women – Adulteress, Mary, Woman at well◦ Children – brought by disciples◦ Suffering – All he healed◦ Humble – Centurion’s with sick daughter

BE a real man – God’s Way 19

Jesus – Tough and Tender

The husband must so unite authority and love that neither of them may be omitted or concealed, but both will be exercised and maintained. Love must not be exercised so imprudently as to destroy the exercise of authority; and authority must not be exercised over a wife so magisterially and imperiously as to destroy the exercise of love◦ Richard Baxter - The Godly Home

BE a real man – God’s Way 20

Man– Tough and Tender

For Himself◦ Carpenter

For his Mother◦ John

For Us◦ On the cross

The World◦ Father sent son

BE a real man – God’s Way 21

Jesus – Take Responsibilty

Be head of wife as Christ is of church◦ Lovingly, humbly, sacrificially leads

Take responsibility◦ Self, Dependants, Others

The husband must undertake the principal part of the government of the whole family, even of the wife herself◦ Richard Baxter - The Godly Home

1 Peter 3:7 (ESV) 7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

BE a real man – God’s Way 22

Men– Take Responsibilty

Men fear commitment – don’t like responsibility

Woman? Fear of men being adolescent men?

When a woman marries a man, she’s trusting that for the rest of her life he won’t hit her, cheat on her, rape her, or kill her; that he’ll work hard, pay the bills, love their children, finish the race well, and walk with Jesus till the end; that if she gets sick, he’ll look after her; that if she is dying, he will be faithful to her. Gentlemen, it is a terrifying thing for a woman to trust a sinful man. Will he take responsibility or dump it all on her? Will he be too tough and crush her? Will he be too tender and allow her to be crushed? – Mark Driscoll

BE a real man – God’s Way 23

What if men don’t?

My dear wife, Muriel, has been in failing mental health for about eight years. So far I have been able to carry both her ever-growing needs and my leadership responsibilities at CBC. But recently it has become apparent that Muriel is contented most of the time she is with me and almost none of the time I am away from her. It is not just “discontent.” She is filled with fear — even terror — that she has lost me and always goes in search of me when I leave home. Then she may be full of anger when she cannot get to me. So it is clear to me that she needs me now, full-time.

Perhaps it would help you to understand if I shared with you what I shared at the time of the announcement of my resignation in chapel. The decision was made, in a way, 42 years ago when I promised to care for Muriel “in sickness and in health … till death do us part.” So, as I told the students and faculty, as a man of my word, integrity has something to do with it. But so does fairness. She has cared for me fully and sacrificially all these years; if I cared for her for the next 40 years I would not be out of debt. Duty, however, can be grim and stoic. But there is more; I love Muriel. She is a delight to me — her childlike dependence and confidence in me, her warm love, occasional flashes of that wit I used to relish so, her happy spirit and tough resilience in the face of her continual distressing frustration. I do not have to care for her, I get to! It is a high honor to care for so wonderful a person.

- Robertson McQuilkin, resignation letter

BE a real man – God’s Way 24

Robertson McQuilkin

Do you◦ Hit her?◦ Push her?◦ Grab, restrain, threaten, intimidate, get in her

face? Physical protection in today’s world

◦ Leaving her with too much responsiblity alone?◦ Finance? Homework? Administration? Children?

Workers in home?

BE a real man – God’s Way 25

Honour your wife - Physically

I’m not emotional, I don’t connect LIES. Same emotions, different expressions Male friendships – shoulder to shoulder Female friendships – face to face Not enough to say “I didn’t...” What DID you do then? Try

◦ Be Intimate◦ Get to know her (again)◦ Tell her about details◦ Open up, be honest, be loving, be passionate

BE a real man – God’s Way 26

Honour your wife - Emotionally

1. Words of affirmation◦ Encouraging words, kind, humble,

2. Quality Time◦ Undivided attention

3. Receiving Gifts◦ Physical, self

4. Acts of Service◦ House work, cooking, errands

5. Physical Touch◦ In passing, intimacy

The five love languages - Gary Chapman

BE a real man – God’s Way 27

Honour your wife – Love Languages

“The tongue of the righteous is choice silver; the heart of the wicked is of little worth.” (Proverbs 10:20, ESV)

“The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.” (Proverbs 15:2, ESV)

“A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:4, ESV)

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” (Proverbs 18:21, ESV)

“With patience a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue will break a bone.” (Proverbs 25:15, ESV)

It is the duty of husbands to preserve the authority of their wives over their children.◦ Richard Baxter - The Godly Home

BE a real man – God’s Way 28

Honour your wife – Verbally

“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” (1 Timothy 5:8, ESV)

The husband is to be the chief provider for the family.◦ Richard Baxter - The Godly Home

Get a grip on your finances◦ Delegate if you need to, but you are accountable!

BE a real man – God’s Way 29

Honour your wife – Financially

Commission: ◦ always checking your phone? Always on internet?

TV in bedroom? ◦ Have tech free times in the house

Omission: ◦ (if you are the technology minded one...)◦ Take care of her upgrades◦ Perhaps record her favourite shows◦ Make sure her phone is charged

BE a real man – God’s Way 30

Honour your wife – Technologically

A good husband will either make a wife good or will easily and profitably endure a bad one.◦ Richard Baxter, The Godly Home

BE a real man – God’s Way 31

Conclusion

Discipline of a Godly Man – Kent Hughes

The Godly Home – Richard Baxter

The Five Love Languages – Gary Chapman

Real Marriage – Mark and Grace Driscoll

Creating an intimate marriage – Jim Burns

BE a real man – God’s Way 32

Recommended Reading

?

BE a real man – God’s Way 33

Questions