The Parenting Teenagers Course Scripts

Session 3 – Setting Boundaries

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Insert – 3.4 Parents – discussing childrenIN 00:45:00

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Part 1: Letting go gradually

SILAWelcome back to The Parenting Teenagers Course. We hope you are enjoying getting together with other parents and finding you are not alone in facing the issues and challenges of bringing up teenagers. In this session we’re going to look at how and why they still need us to set boundaries for them.

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We want to start with two descriptions of young people in society. The first goes like this: ‘I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words. When I was young we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly impatient of restraint.’

NICKYAnd the second goes like this: ‘The children now love luxury; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in the place of exercise. Children are tyrants, not the servants of their household. They no longer rise when their elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs and tyrannise their teachers.’ That description comes from Socrates in the 5th century BC.

And the first one from Hessiod, a Greek poet of the 8 th Century BC. So you may say, ‘Not a lot has changed!’

People often talk about parenting teenagers as being so hard and usually it’s connected to this area of boundaries. For many of us it’s the sudden change in how they react to us that’s such a shock.

We read an article written by a Mum called Lynda that described what it felt like for her with her daughter, Lauren: ‘It was as if she’d changed overnight,’ said Lynda. ‘She turned into such an argumentative girl. I remember the first time we rowed. It was over the mess in her bedroom. She began answering me back, and before I knew it, we were arguing until she left the room, slamming the door behind her.’ Lynda then decided that she would have to make more of an effort not to get drawn into a row. She said: ‘It seemed simple, but it didn’t work. Anything from what I was watching on TV to what washing I’d done was enough to start Lauren moaning. I struggled to keep calm. And I found things about her irritated me – the way she got so stroppy, the way she answered me back. We used to snuggle up on the sofa and have chats. Now I worry we will never have that closeness again.’

If you identify with any of that, you may wonder how to respond and what sort of limits to enforce or not.

SILAWe’ve been talking in this course about how our teenagers need our unconditional love and acceptance, but they also need us to set appropriate limits for their behaviour. It’s the combination of love and boundaries, of warmth and firmness, that’s critical and that underpins everything we do in parenting.

This diagram describes four different parenting styles. The vertical line measures the degree of firmness we show, while the horizontal line measures the amount of warmth we show.

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The first style, bottom right, is where there is neither warmth nor firmness, and that is described as neglectful parenting – very little love and weak boundaries, which can lead, amongst other things, to children having poor self-esteem.

The second quadrant, bottom left, is when there is a lot of firmness, that is, very strict boundaries, but little love shown – and that is described as authoritarian (meaning dictatorial) parenting. This often leads to anti-social behaviour and rebellion once the child is out of their parents’ tight control.

The third quadrant, top right, is when parents are high on warmth but there are weak or no boundaries – this is described as indulgent parenting. With this style children become self-centred and don’t take responsibility for their behaviour and actions.

And then the fourth quadrant is described as authoritative parenting. This is very different to authoritarian, and is where children know they are loved and know that there are clear boundaries that will be enforced. This is the combination we’re aiming for.

With this style teenagers feel safe, they learn to take their place in their family and in the world. They know that they are very special, but will not always be the centre of attention – this style guards us from ‘child-centred’ parenting which is unhelpful to the teenager, and the family as a whole.

Insert – 3.0 Harry Benson – combining love and boundariesIN 00:04:43Harry Benson The fundamental needs of children are love and boundaries. Those are the

two things that they need more than anything. The research is very clear that when they get that in some sort of equal measure their outcomes tend to be better than if they only get love or if they only get boundaries. It’s the combination of the two. After that it gets a bit harder!

OUT 00:05:04

NICKYSo the question is how do we guide them? How do we set boundaries while continuing to show love and warmth? Of course, we are building on the boundaries we set when they were young. However, there’s a big change when they become teenagers – we can’t control their lives as we once did. In addition the culture they’re growing up in will probably be very different to when we were teenagers ourselves.

Some of the biggest areas of change are with technology, with the development of the digital landscape, the wider availability of drugs and alcohol, as well as the highly sexualised society that has become the norm in many countries. These

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changes make setting boundaries more complex and can lead to a lot of worry for parents.

Insert – 3.1 Parents – changing boundariesIN 00:05:46Elaine Yes, definitely my husband and I both worried about our children, all three of

them. I think especially for Emma: she was our youngest, and also things got a lot rougher during her growing-up than it was for our twenty-seven-year-old and our twenty-four-year-old. Things are different now. There’s more internet abuse, there’s more parties. Kids are allowed to go out earlier and later. So it was very challenging, and we worried.

OUT 00:06:18

NICKYWhat contributes to making setting boundaries hard is that there’s been a widespread change in the way in which authority is perceived. In many cultures, it is no longer regarded as being a good thing in itself, and as a result many parents are uncertain about exercising any authority or setting boundaries at all.

SILAAnd the hardest thing of all can be our fear that our teenagers won’t like if we put in a boundary. We may be afraid we will lose our relationship with them altogether, but actually they need us to be parents, not best friends.

Insert – 3.2 Julie Johnson – parents being parents not best friendsIN 00:06:50

Julie Johnson So often, in the workshops I do, parents say to me, `I want to be my teenager’s best friend’ or `my teenager’s friend’. And I think maybe it’s language, maybe it’s a misunderstanding of the word `friendship’, but parents need to be parents! We can have an amazing relationship with our teenager. We can enjoy going to the cinema and we can enjoy going out with them and we can enjoy talking to them, spending time with them. But parents need to be parents! It muddies the water when you cross the line and you’re trying to be a friend. A friend is usually a peer. You can emerge into friendship as they pass through the adolescence years into the adult years, but fundamentally, when we put authority in, it can be very confusing for a child if one minute we’re a friend and the next minute we’re saying, `You can’t do this’ or `You can’t do that.’ They need us to be parents, not their friends.

OUT 00:07:34

NICKYAs parents, we must set boundaries for all sorts of reasons: for their protection regarding areas including drugs, alcohol, sex, what films they see. For their well-being: for example, having bedtimes so they’re not too exhausted to work at school. For family life to function well: learning good manners, everyone helping

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out, coming to meals on time. And they need us to set boundaries to help them grow in maturity so they learn to take responsibility for more and more aspects of their lives. We must also set boundaries because, at the end of the day, though our teenagers may not acknowledge it, they want limits.

SILAIt is important to see that setting boundaries is something we are doing for our teenagers for their well being, rather than to them for their punishment. There’s a proverb in the Bible which goes, ‘Those who love their children are careful to discipline them.’

Insert 3.3 Rob Parsons – enforcing boundaries hardIN 00:08:24

Rob Parsons You know, sometimes enforcing the boundaries is hard, isn’t it. We want to be liked. We sometimes want to be our children’s best friend. But sometimes we can’t be their best friend. I remember a single parent mum coming up to me in a seminar and she said, ‘You know what, Rob, my daughter’s fourteen and I want her in at nine-thirty at night on a school night, and she comes in at twenty-five-to-ten and quarter-to-ten and five-to-ten and five-past-ten, and I have a row with her about that four nights a week. Am I doing right?’ Yes, you are! You’re her mother. Nobody knows her like you. Nobody loves her like you. And frankly, if you’re going to pick any battle, the curfew battle is not a bad one to pick. And, although it’s exhausting, at least you’re keeping the bar high. And if you give up and say, ‘Come in what time you want,’ she’ll be in at half-past-ten and five-past-eleven, and one night she’ll be out all night. It is exhausting, but this is what being a mother and father is all about.

OUT 00:09:18

NICKYI don’t know what battles you’re currently facing: is it their room, alcohol, sibling rivalry, getting homework done, amount of screen time, what they’re watching or listening to, their attitude, battles around boyfriends/girlfriends? We can easily feel we are failing, especially if we have a teenager who is skilled in emotional manipulation or putting us down.

The challenge we face is where and how do we set limits and over which particular issues. What do we do if, for example, we have a thirteen-year-old-daughter who wants to go to a Certificate aged fifteen film with three teenage friends of her own age?

SILAOr we have a sixteen-year-old son who can’t be bothered to revise for his exams or do his homework and wants to be messaging his friends all evening. Or we have a fifteen-year-old girl who wants to go to a party with a school friend where we have a strong suspicion there will be drugs. Or we have a fourteen-year-old boy who has told us he is staying with one friend but changes plans at midnight

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to stay with someone we don’t know, and rings us to ask if that’s alright. Or our sixteen-year-old daughter wants to get her tongue pierced. ‘Well,’ we might say, ‘good she asked,’ but do we let her?

For any of those situations there is no one, right, easy answer. We’re entering unknown territory and often have no idea how to deal with the issue at hand. It’s especially hard if we are parenting alone or step parenting – and particularly if our teenager is angry about the family situation we’re in, or playing us off against each other regarding different rules in different houses.

And the dynamics are changing all the time. What is right for a thirteen-year-old may not be right for a fifteen- or seventeen-year-old. Our teenager can think we don’t understand anything, and sometimes they’re right! We are all on a learning curve together. We make mistakes and so will they.

Insert – 3.4 Parents – on a learning curve togetherIN 00:11:04

Jo Boundaries are really hard to set, because the pace of change and things change very fast. So we’d set a boundary of what age our children could join the kind of social networking sites, kind of based on our eldest child. And then so we had the same age for the next one. But obviously, by then a whole load more – it was just pretty much a global thing by that stage, but the next child hadn’t yet reached the age. And actually I think we got that really wrong, because they felt so pressured by all their friends – they really were the only one, and we’d set this age requirement. And so they kind of went away and kind of did it anyway, amongst their friends, they just felt so kind of out of it.

Madeleine Consistency is key for us. It’s not so much whether they’re kind today or what they do today; it’s what they’re building, you know. We have a catchphrase that we use: ‘The small consistencies of every day, they add up.’ And I think that’s what we encourage: just to keep going at it every day. And it doesn’t matter you got it wrong today; tomorrow you’ll have another opportunity to be kind again.

OUT 00:12:15

NICKYWhen we first had teenagers, I found that knowing where to set the boundaries led to a lot of self questioning. Sometimes I felt I was being far too lenient – I wasn’t teaching them to take responsibility – so I would lurch the other way. And then I felt I was being far too strict – and that I might be building resentment in them – so I would lurch back again and let them get away with all sorts of stuff.

The reality is, it‘s not a tight rope we’re walking, with every next step critical to their healthy development. Rather, while avoiding the extremes of being too strict or too lenient, there is a broad middle ground, along which we work out the way forward.

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Different parents will choose different paths and we may well come to different conclusions in answer to those scenarios we posed earlier. But that’s fine. And we need to recognise it will be harder with some teenagers than with others; some are more compliant, while others are more strong willed; some are more subtle in crossing a boundary without us knowing, while others are more blatant in their approach.

SILAWe want to look in this session at some important principles for setting boundaries with teenagers.

1. Remember we’re on the same side.

The first is to remember that we’re on the same side as them, not against them, and that we’re working with them to equip them for life.

We had one teenager who was particularly strong-willed. When he was fourteen, my relationship with him became really strained and difficult – we were definitely in a downward spiral. I remember him saying to me one day, ‘Mum, you are always so stressed with me!’ And that brought me up short. He told me that when I talked to him my voice got higher and higher, and that he felt I was always interrogating him about everything. I hadn’t realised I was doing this. So, we had a serious, and quite challenging for me, talk about it and I gave him permission to say to me, ‘Mum, you’re getting stressed’ each time it happened. That helped me a lot to recognise when I was getting uptight and to dial down. So, instead of him having a mother who was constantly on his case, my whole approach changed and I started to see we were on the same side. That made a big difference to our relationship.

Our role as parents is to help our teenagers on a journey to maturity. Around 1ten to twelve years old, there’s an increasing desire in them to be more self-sufficient, and generally, by the time they hit thirteen, it becomes a strong drive towards independence. This can catch us off guard, but it’s absolutely normal and healthy. And it’s critical for us as parents to understand this process and to let it happen.

Letting go, of course, can be challenging because we instinctively want to hold on and protect them. We want to be as involved as we ever were in every aspect of their lives, while they instinctively want to pull away from us and explore.

Insert – 3.5 Glynis Good, parents and teenagers – being informed but not involvedIN 00:15:03

Glynis Good There is a difference between being informed and being involved. And teenagers value privacy and they value an opportunity to grow and make

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decisions for themselves. So it’s important for parents to be informed, but it’s also important for them to understand the boundary and the difference between being informed and becoming involved in their lives in a way that’s unhelpful.

Rhianna They’re just very involved. (Yeah) They want to be involved all the time, and sometimes it’s best to just step back.

Helen Being interested in and taking note is important, but never try and get involved and be a teenager – that’s so uncool!

OUT 00:15:33

NICKYObviously, this transition of stepping back doesn’t happen overnight, it’s a gradual handover, and the hard thing is judging the pace of it. It’s not an exact science and there’s no fixed timetable. We can’t say to you, ‘At fourteen they can do this, at fifteen they can do that’. Every child is different as to when they mature.

This ‘letting go’ continues all the way through the teenage years. It’s an evolving, dynamic process. Boys will differ from girls and siblings will be different from each other.

Letting go isn’t easy, but we must do it, even when it feels really painful. I remember one mother describing it like this: ‘It’s a sort of grieving for the child who has been our faithful companion for years, and who is now no more a child.’

Insert – 3.6 Parents and teenagers – letting go can be hardIN 00:16:31

Rebekah It was when I missed the last train home, and he was really mad at me. Well, yeah, he was upset. And I sort of said, ‘Dad, I’m sixteen. You can’t control me any more!’ [giggles] And I remember he was sort of like silent for like the next two seconds and was kind of like, ‘Whoa!’ And I was like, ‘You have to let go,’ and he was like, ‘Okay!’ And yeah, I guess after that they realised that they couldn’t sort of like hold me too tightly, like I had to do my own thing and realise my own thing. Yeah!

Eric It’s really hard. It’s just knowing that they’re going to grow up, they’ll meet some bloke, they’re going to move on, they’re going to have kids. I struggle, I really do struggle with this. But saying that, I can’t wait for them to leave home! Because I want peace and quiet. I want the house back. I want June to myself. I just can’t wait!

June Oh, he’s terrible! Eric, thinking about the girls growing up – he’s a big softie. The first time Reanne – we put some make-up on her and did her hair, and she had a nice dress on because she was going to a party. And Eric just looked at her and tears just rolled down his cheek! And he was just, ‘She’s so grown up! She’s just grown up!’ I’m saying, ‘Well, you know, they do!’

Owen Yeah, I think letting our teenagers go, again has been another challenge. (Mm)

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Particularly with your eldest, because everything’s new (Mm) and you’ve not been there before. And I take time to adjust to (Mm) every new change and every new season and every new development. But I think the way we’ve tried to do it is through talking (Mm) to them. Often when we’re at a point of transition, natural transition, there’s tension for a while before we realise, ‘Ah, we’re at a point of change. We’re at a point (Mm) where we need to adjust the bedtime,’ we’re at a point where we need to adjust something. And so that has been a challenge, but it’s obviously something we keep on doing with them.

OUT 00:18:35

NICKYThe first principle for setting boundaries is to remember we’re on the same side.

2. Move from external to internal boundaries.

The second principle is to recognise we’re helping them to move from externally-imposed boundaries (which is what we did all the time when they were very little) to them developing internal, self-imposed boundaries. In effect, they’re moving from parent control to self-control.

Insert – 3.7 Glynis Good – preparing teenagers to live independentlyIN 00:18:56

Glynis Good Our role as parents is really to prepare our teenagers for living independent lives. And so we need to use the time we have with them to prepare them for that. And if we’re too restrictive, then we really prevent them from learning from some of their own mistakes too. We need to support them as they go through that learning process. And just not to be too restrictive, because us controlling them will prevent them from taking on some control for themselves – which is what we’re really working to do.

OUT 00:19:32

SILAWe’re going to talk more about this process in Part 2 of this session, and look at how we gradually change in our role from controller to consultant.

3. Trust builds trustworthiness

A third principle is that, as we give our teenagers an increasing level of trust, appropriate to their age and maturity, it builds trustworthiness. Trust will always involve calculated risks. For each of us, there will be different situations where we find it hard to trust our teenager.

One memory that’s seared in my mind is when Benj, our eldest son, was fifteen, and he was about to go travelling by train around Europe with a friend for three

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weeks. I’d gone on and on at him about wearing his money belt – and that it should have all his precious things like passport, ticket and money in it all the time. As he staggered to the front door with his huge rucksack, I asked him as casually as I could, ‘You are wearing your money belt aren’t you?’ and of course the answer was ‘no’. Well, all the emotion that had been building up in me, exploded out of me. I was furious with him and demanded: ‘Well where is it? Where’s your passport? Where’s your money? Where’s your ticket?’ Whereupon he fumbled around looking rather vague, and unzipped the pocket on top of the rucksack. At which point his money, passport and ticket just fell out all over the floor – with no money belt in sight! My parting words to him as he left the house were not ones I’m proud of. I said; ‘You’re hopeless, it’ll be a miracle if you even make it to Dover, let alone round Europe!’ Ten minutes later I felt full of remorse for overreacting and that those were going to be the last words ringing in his ears for the next three weeks! And I had no way of making contact with him for several days. On reflection I realised it wasn’t the best way to instil confidence in him that we trusted him to cope with the responsibilities that lay ahead! Actually, Benj came back from those 3 weeks of being away from us having visibly matured.

Insert – 3.8 Parents and teenagers – parental concernsIN 00:21:27

Chee-Chow When Rebekah was seventeen she wanted to go to Barcelona with a friend. We were really very worried whether we should allow her to go, because she was going with a classmate, Jasmine, and both of them were going to go to Barcelona on their own and stay in a youth hostel. And the youth hostel is ten persons in a room, and we said, ‘Do you know who are the people in the room?’ and she said, ‘No, it’s just people that can be anybody, you know.’

Rebekah [laughs] And I remember I told my mum and I was like, ‘Oh yeah, by the way, it’s mixed dormitories.’ And she was like, ‘What?!’ [giggles]

Chee-Chow It was very difficult! It’s not that I didn’t worry – I worried for all the ten days that she was away! Is that right – is it ten days?

Tim Mm, I think so.

Chee-Chow Yeah? Yeah. I think as a parent you worry for your child the first time she has to go out somewhere like that. I guess it’s part of being a parent – you worry!

OUT 00:22:27

NICKYOf course not all teenagers are ready for the same level of responsibility at the same age. But, as we trust our teenagers appropriately it breeds trustworthiness in them.

Insert – 3.9 Julie Johnson and teenagers – relinquishing control graduallyIN 00:22:39

Julie Johnson What’s really interesting is teenagers need this level of autonomy. They need

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to feel that they have a level of control in their lives, choices etc. and need possibly to take some risks. But as parents we can find that very, very scary, particularly as we’re coming to terms with letting go of them as the children in our control, and they no longer are. And so recognising possibly that sense of loss and change, that sense of relinquishing slowly, bit by bit, a level of control.

Boundaries, yes; authority, yes; consequences if they break the boundary – if they come home two hours late or even an hour late; but actually realising they need to have a level of choice and need to know that we are trusting them. Trust is so important between an adolescent and a parent, and we need to model to them that we trust them. If they break that trust, then we communicate it and we put a consequence in. But they need to feel that we allow them to spread their wings and to emerge into young adulthood and making choices for themselves.

Reanne Generally I always like responsibility. And with responsibility there’s that trust there. And I’ve got a really strong sense of trust between me and my parents, because they can trust me. I can ring them and say, ‘Mum, can I go to the cinema with some friends? I’ll come back at whatever time you want me to come.’ But they set a time and they know I’ll be back for that time. And out of like nine out of ten occasions I’m always there back, and they trust me. And because they trust me, I feel like I have the responsibility to keep up to that trust that they have for me.

Boy (VOX POP ) They used to be very strict, but, you know, as I’m growing up they’re starting to release a little bit. But they are strict where like, you know. I mean, they used to be strict where I couldn’t stay out late, but they’ve let go of that and there’s a lot of stuff that they’re not strict about any more. But they still get strict! Honestly, I mean, they still snap at me for the littlest of things! But they’re just my parents, so they’re just teaching me right from wrong! Not that much, so.

OUT 00:24:31

NICKY

4. Give increasing space

A fourth principle for setting boundaries with teenagers is to give them increasing space. The best way is to start stricter and then increase their freedom as they display responsibility and self control.

I vividly remember our daughter’s first trip to the centre of London to go shopping on her own with a friend – she was eleven. We planned it like a military operation! We talked her through the guidelines about ten times, which were: she had to go with a friend, she had to work out which number bus they were going on (and tell us) and she was to ring when she got to their destination. We gave her a specific time to be home and said she must call if they were delayed. It all went well. She showed she was up to it and we knew we could trust her. So, after she’d done this a few times, we were able to increase her freedom.

Psychologist Ross Campbell advises parents: ‘This moving from restrictiveness to privilege isn’t easy; it takes courage and determination to make your

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teenager’s privileges strictly dependent upon his or her ability to control his or her behaviour. It takes strength to stand against the pressure for unearned concessions, not only from your teenager, but from other teenagers, other parents and even society.’

Insert – 3.10 Rob Parsons – building trustIN 00:25:41

Rob Parsons I once spoke with a dad that told me how he dealt with his testing teenager when that boy hit thirteen. He knew he was going to have big trouble with curfew because this little boy had tested him on every other issue since he was born. And he said to him, ‘Son, when you go out tonight I want you to be in at nine o’clock,’ and the boy came in at three minutes past nine. So the father went crazy. He said, ‘Dad, it’s just three minutes!’ But the father gave the impression he was really put out about this. So the next time the boy did come in at nine o’clock and the next night nine o’clock. /continues….

And then he said to him, ‘Dad, could I stay out till quarter-past-nine tonight?’ ‘No. No, you can’t. You can stay out till nine-thirty.’ ‘Why?’ ‘Because you’ve come in on time every other night.’ And then the boy would ring when he’d be slightly late, and the father said: ‘Gradually I was able to let that rope out and trust him. And because we’d started off on that basis, he never let me down. He tested me in a hundred other issues, but on that curfew one,’ he said, ‘we had a measure of success.’

OUT 00:26:40

NICKYIf we give our teenagers too much freedom and then have to backtrack, we’re moving in a negative direction and that’s hard for everyone. Whereas, giving our teenagers increasing freedom, as they show responsibility, means we’re moving together in a positive direction.

Insert – 3.11 Parents – extending the boundariesIN 00:26:56

Pauline I remember when our sixteen-year-old first went out – I can’t remember how old she was, was she fourteen? Thirteen, fourteen. And we said, ‘You must be back at a certain time.’ And, bless her, she was in the cinema and left the film early to come back! And that spoke volumes to me. And ever since that day I really trusted her, and actually her boundaries extended because of that!

OUT 00:27:20

SILA

5. Allow them to make their own decisions

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A fifth principle for setting boundaries is allowing them to make their own decisions in as many areas as possible, particularly in areas where, if they get it wrong and fail miserably, it’s okay, it’s safe. There are lots of areas where we can allow them to make their own decisions, such as their choice of clothes, the decoration of their room, what they spend their pocket money or allowance on, or their hairstyle.

Insert – 3.12 Parents – giving freedom for teenagers’ own decisionsIN 00:27:44

Helen Hairstyle isn’t important – that’s a way of expressing yourself. It might not be my chosen style, and it might get some faces in our social circle, but actually is that important? No, it’s not – it’s a way of them expressing themselves. And at the end of the day it doesn’t make a difference to who they are as a person – it’s actually them being who they are, being allowed to be who they are.

Denise As they’ve got older, obviously it’s important we do let the boys make more decisions on their own. And so I haven’t got as much say on some of the things that I would like in terms of their appearance. And that’s definitely been an area of friction, when we have sort of said: ‘Oh, that looks terrible!’ or whatever. But then I know I haven’t been right to say that. So we’ve really had to think, ‘Which battles are we going to actually fight?’ You have to choose your battles. (Mm) And that’s them expressing their independence, and that’s what I really want for them. /continues….

Denise contd. So although we haven’t always got it right, I think in terms of hair and dress and also perhaps what they want to be doing in some of their spare time we have to give them some choices and let them do it, and also be prepared to let them make mistakes. I find that a bit painful, because as a mother you always want to rescue them. But actually I have to accept that, yeah, they’ve got to do it and, if they realise a year later that that hair-gel looked absolutely terrible, then that’s what they’ve got to live with! (Mm)

Carol He has an eyebrow pierced, which you will see. And I think he will grow out of it. And when he came home with it, I said: ‘Gosh, that looks fantastic!’ And I actually don’t mind it at all. My mother hasn’t seen it yet – she’ll have a nervous breakdown when she sees it! But the thing is that he will take it out at some point. He’ll grow out of it. He’ll turn up at university and someone will go, ‘That’s so uncool!’ – it’ll be gone, and there we go! I’m not going to fight about things like that – I can’t see the point.

OUT 00:29:41

NICKYExperiencing the consequences of their own choices in these relatively unimportant areas will prepare and help them when it comes to making choices in the really important areas – such as: being responsible with a car, with sex, with alcohol, doing the work that’s required of them when they get a job.

We’re going to continue in Part 2 by looking at how we help our teenagers grow in responsibility by not rescuing them and allowing them to learn from the consequences of their actions, including when they get it wrong.

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But, for now, we’d like you to look at the questions in your manual.

END OF PART 1

Part 2: Encouraging responsibility

SILA We’re going to continue now by looking at how we encourage and teach our teenagers to take increasing responsibility for their lives. We do this by explaining clearly to them what our expectations are.

Teenagers will sense whether or not we trust them to make good decisions and usually will rise to what we expect of them. Making our expectations clear to them is really important. These might include that they’re responsible for getting themselves up in the morning and ready for school on time, that they’re responsible for getting their homework done, and taking the right books and sports gear to school. We also need to make clear what we expect them to do around the house and what we expect them to pay for with their own money.

Insert – 3.13 Parents – teenagers having increasing responsibilityIN 00:32:41Elaine We’ve helped our children to take responsibility in a number of ways. I think

early on we’ve had them make their own telephone calls to the school if they were going to be late, or to make a doctor’s appointment. You know, we would give them more responsibility for this as they increased in age. But we’ve always tried to help them do their own practical calling (Mm) – I think especially with calling. Because it’s difficult when you’re young to know how to approach an adult and how to cancel, you know, a commitment you’ve made. I can remember when you didn’t want to babysit a couple of times, and you kind of wanted us somehow to solve that problem, and we would say, ‘No, you have to call (Mm) the babysitter and cancel or say that you don’t want to come.’

Weng From the age of thirteen both Alexander and Oliver had to take their own responsibilities in travelling to school. Because they’re coming back by train and actually going by train at weekends, it was all their own decision-making. And I had to actually let go and trust that they would find their way. It was a very difficult thing for me when it started.

Helen Obviously, you can’t get to eighteen and suddenly say, ‘Right, it’s your eighteenth birthday today – anything goes. You’re out there, you’re on your own, you’re an adult now.’ You have to let them experience things and try things before they get there, otherwise they’ll be completely shell-shocked and won’t know what to do with the freedom they have.

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OUT 00:34:14

SILATeaching our teenagers responsibility means allowing them to learn from the consequences of their mistakes and its important we’re not always rescuing them.

I remember one of our boys losing the key to his sports locker and as a result, he couldn’t get his kit out for the practice and so the team’s coach said he couldn’t play in the match on Saturday. My temptation was to run out and buy him some new kit, as playing in the team meant so much to him. But, I stopped myself because I realised that was not going to help him become more responsible about looking after his things, and actually, he really minded about missing the match and learnt a lot from the whole incident.

Insert – 3.14 Parents – helping teenagers to take responsibility for their actionsIN 00:34:55Madeleine It had been a running issue, hadn’t it, with lateness? (Yeah) And you had

nagged him, and you had had a go at him, and you had told him how much it means to you – and you used the ‘I’ messages! And nothing was working. And so this particular night we decided, ‘Let’s not stress. Let’s hatch a plan!’

Con Just – yes, absolutely.

Madeleine So we did. We called at ten-thirty and he wasn’t answering his mobile. And so we called his girlfriend’s mum. She said, ‘Oh, he’s here!’ So I said, ‘Oh, send him my love!’ [laughs] And he came up, didn’t he, when he got home.

Con Yeah. Well, he got home, and he was expecting the same deal, you know: ‘Why are you late? You know, we gave you all the time’ – like the whole thing, and then we have a bit of an argument, then he goes off to bed a bit stroppy and he comes back and apologises.

Madeleine But no!

Con But no. We thought, ‘I don’t want – I’m sick of stressing.’ So we just said, ‘How was your evening?’ He goes, ‘Oh, great!’ (Mm!) And ‘Did you have fun?’ ‘Mm, yeah.’ And he’s waiting for it. He’s just …

Madeleine Yeah, and he’s going, ‘Are we okay?’

Con ‘Are we okay?’ Yeah, he was going …

Madeleine ‘Yeah, good, yeah! Sleep well!’

Con Yeah, ‘Goodnight, sweetheart!’ So off he goes to bed. The next day we’re off to church, and he needs to be at – he plays football after church, and he needs to be at the ground at …

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Madeleine One-forty-five.

Con One-forty-five.

Madeleine We’ve got to be out of church by one-fifteen, absolute latest.

Con Yeah, so he could get to the ground by one-forty-five. So –

Madeleine He’s never late for football! [laughs]

Con Never late! So we’re in church, it’s one-fifteen and he goes, ‘Oh, we’d better go.’ He went over to you, didn’t he?

Madeleine Yeah, hopping from one foot to the other, knowing he can’t interrupt. And I go, ‘Oh, I’ll just have my coffee, then.’ And he goes over to you, doesn’t he!

Con He comes over to me, yes. ‘Er, Dad, we’ve got to go!’ I said, ‘Yeah, I’m just going to have this cup of coffee. I’m having a chat, son.’ So –

Madeleine [giggles] Back to me! And then back to you. And you spoke to him, didn’t you?

Con One-thirty, one-forty-five.

Madeleine Oh, we were loving it! [laughs]

Con Freaking – he’s doing back-flips! He’s going, ‘We’ve GOT TO GO!’ And I said, ‘Henry, that’s fine. Darling, look, I’ve noticed that time isn’t important to you, okay?’ ‘Oh, this is about last night, isn’t it!’ ‘No, but if it’s not important, it’s fine! It’s not a problem!’

Madeleine ‘We feel a bit chilled this morning.’

Con Yeah. ‘So we’re just going to relax, and we go when we go!’ He couldn’t believe it! Anyway, so finally I pulled the car round – he couldn’t get in there fast enough!

Madeleine Oh, he was throwing the children in the car, and they go ‘Oh, I’m just going to the toilet!’ He was …! [they laugh] And he hurled himself out of the moving car when we finally got to football, didn’t he!

Con He did! He did!

Madeleine And what he didn’t know is we’d called the coach ahead, hadn’t we, and said that –

Con We’d told the coach, ‘He’s going to be late. We’ve got an issue.’

Madeleine ‘A bit of a discipline number this morning!’

Con Mm. So since then we didn’t have any problems!

Madeleine He’s not late any more! [laughs]

Con No – he runs home to get home on time!

Madeleine Or he’ll phone and he’ll go, ‘[gasping] I think – I think I’m going to be about

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thirty seconds late!’ [roars with laughter]

Con Poor kid!

OUT 00:37:32

NICKYThere is no more effective way for our children to learn self-control (and to develop those internal, self-imposed boundaries) than when we allow them to learn from their own mistakes.

Insert – 3.15 Julie Johnson – letting teenagers make mistakesIN 00:37:43

Julie Johnson We as parents need to allow our teenagers to make mistakes. Mistakes teach us things. We learn through mistakes. There’s a lovely saying: `The only mistake in life we make is one we don’t learn from.’ But so many of us parents don’t want our children to make mistakes. I remember my father saying to me, `Julie, I don’t want you to make mistakes in life,’ and I remember saying to him, `But, Dad, I need to in order to learn about who I am for myself.’

It isn’t easy. We need to stand back. And there are some mistakes that are very serious, quite obviously. But a lot of mistakes that teenagers make they can learn from, we can talk through with them, and they can actually then develop skills and ability to manage the situation differently next time. Mistakes are the stuff of life. When do we learn most in life? Possibly when we make mistakes!

OUT 00:38:24

NICKYThere’s the balance between trusting them and letting them take risks. Our role as parents changes over eighteen years or so – from initially when they were little, being in control of and involved in every aspect of their lives, to being available eventually to help with advice, when they seek it. This change is critical.

Parents face two options. We can keep using the same patterns we used when they were young (and frustrate ourselves to death), or we can realise that our methods must change as our teenagers develop. Daniel Hahn, a youth pastor, writes: ‘As hard as it is, our role must move from controller to consultant. What do consultants do? They ask questions, offer opinions, share experiences, present options and forecast outcomes. Ultimately, however, they step back and allow the client to make decisions.’

Now, of course, the change happens gradually through the teenage years, with them taking on increasing amounts of responsibility.

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Personally I have loved this change of role from controller to consultant because it has been part of building my relationship with our children as they have become adults. And we have found that it set a pattern so that now, as adults and making their own decisions, they have continued coming back to us for advice when they need it.

The author, Mark Twain, famously said, ‘When I was fourteen, my old man was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have him around me. When I got to be twenty-one I was amazed how much wisdom he had acquired in just seven years!’

We want to look at what helps in this gradual ongoing process of moving from controller to consultant.

1. Don’t Nag

First and foremost, don’t nag, not least because nagging, tempting though it is for parents, is ineffective and will push us apart.

The sociologist and author, Tony Campolo, has written this advice for parents:‘You might not consider it nagging, but it is nagging when you keep on making the same point over and over again, continually trying to drive home the same message. It doesn’t take long for children who are under a steady bombardment of repetitious directives to turn off. In some cases, nagging even drives children to do the opposite of what their parents want.’

Insert – 3.16 Rob Parsons – choosing the battlesIN 00:40:45

Rob Parsons You know, I sometimes come across mums and dads who are very controlling. And they say, ‘I can’t help myself. I’m saying, “Comb your hair! Your shirt’s hanging out! Do your homework like this!”’ And I say, ‘But you must help yourself. If you don’t stop doing that, two things are going to happen. Number one, you’re going to drive a wedge between you and that child. And secondly, it will be hard for that child to believe that something really matters to you, because you’re going on about everything. You can fight some battles, but you can’t fight them all.’

It’s as if the child is thirteen years old and they’re on a circus high wire. And they’re trying to get through to age twenty-one. And, you know, they’re doing pretty well, but they’re wobbling a bit. But his mother’s underneath, saying ‘Tuck your shirt in! Comb your hair!’ Sometimes we have to back off a little. We can fight some battles, but we can’t fight them all.

OUT 00:41:33

SILA

2. Make as few rules as possible

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A second way to move from controller to consultant is to make as few rules as possible. Some friends, who had teenagers before we did, gave us a piece of advice that stayed with us and that we found really helpful to remind ourselves of often was, ‘We say “no” to the things that really matter and “yes” to everything else.’

Each of us needs to decide what our non-negotiables are going to be – what really matters.

Insert – 3.17 Parents – deciding what mattersIN 00:41:54

Tim The values that really matter to us about our teenagers are essentially ones to do with other people – how they relate in society. So in just their ability to listen, to respect, to honour, to look for the best in others are things we really want to encourage. And so sort of attitudes or language that they’ve maybe picked up that appears to dishonour that, we’re quite tight on – you know, firm but gentle. We’re not massively bothered about, you know, bedrooms being tidy or kind of property being totally respected – you know, we just recognise that ‘stuff’, which comes and goes, okay. But people, they should be handled with trust and respect.

OUT 00:42:44

SILAAs well as making clear the importance we attached to respect for others, another non-negotiable was ‘no drugs’.

Of course, we couldn’t control whether or not they took them, but I remember Benj saying to us that having ‘no drugs’ as a non-negotiable as a teenager helped to give him the confidence to say no when he needed to and deep down wanted to. He also said his friends came to know he wouldn’t take drugs, and that made it a lot easier.

If we are parenting as a couple, we need to discuss what our non-negotiables are and have a united approach. For those who are parenting on their own, or step-parenting, it can be more complicated, but the more agreement and consistency there is, the better.

Insert – 3.18 Parents – step-parenting and consistent boundariesIN 00:43:27Ken With two families you often get conflicting rules from two households. And

those are areas where we’ve sometimes come up against... friction, I suppose, is probably the right way to put it, where we’ve ended up having to say, ‘Well, actually we need to set rules for what’s the way it works in this house.’

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OUT 00:43:50

NICKYThird, we must be sure we can explain the reasons for the limits we’ve set.

3. Be sure we can explain the limits

With young children, sometimes we have to tell them: ‘Because I say so.’ But teenagers need an explanation for boundaries. So, if we insist that they are home by a particular time on a school night, we must explain why. For example, that they need enough sleep, so they’re able to concentrate in school the next day. Or, if we insist on them having a tidier room or shorter hair, we must be able to explain why.

Lawrence Steinberg, Professor of Psychology at Temple University, observed: ‘What causes adolescents to rebel is not the assertion of authority but the arbitrary use of power, with little explanation of the rules, and no involvement in decision making.’

One of our rules was not to allow our teenagers to smoke, and having consequences if we saw or heard of them doing so. Our explanation for why we did not want them to smoke included the longer term health risk, the cost (it is worth asking them to think of better ways to spend the price of ten cigarettes a day over sixty years), the difficulty of giving up once addicted, the smell (which will cause some people to keep their distance) and the effect on their level of fitness (particularly if they are interested in sport). And we had to repeat our reasons quite regularly.

Insert – 3.19 Teenagers – need to give teenagers reasonsIN 00:45:09

Peter The thing that really annoyed me when I was that age was that, you know, when I asked for something and Mum said ‘No’ and she didn’t give me a reason as to why I couldn’t go out later or something like that, you know, it really bugged me ’cos I thought she was just doing it ’cos she was jealous ’cos I was, you know, having fun and young and she was old and boring, you know!

Boy (VOX POP ) I think the best way to tell teenagers what to do is just explain to them. I mean, especially if it’s a situation the parent has gone through, I think you just need to sit down and explain to the children, your teenager, that you made that same decision and the consequences it had for you, and then try to relate that to them. Where I don’t think they should tell us teenagers what to do is, you know, just flat-up come to us and say, ‘No, you can’t do this,’ or ‘No, you can’t do that,’ I mean, when they also need to give us a good reason as to why.

OUT 00:45:58

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SILA

4. Be prepared to negotiate

A fourth way of making this gradual move from controller to consultant is to be prepared to negotiate. Negotiating with our teenagers means being prepared to discuss the boundaries with them, and making compromises so that we work out rules together that are fair and both of us can accept.

Insert – 3.20 Glynis Good – discussing and agreeing boundariesIN 00:46:18

Glynis Good It’s how we put the boundaries in place. And as they get older they’re moving from parental control to self-control. And if we are just too authoritarian and want to control everything, we aren’t giving them the freedom or the space to grow and make mistakes. And so we need to be firm, but we need to also agree and discuss and decide some of the boundaries together. So it is about being firm, but it is about listening and hearing their perspective. And I think for parents sometimes our fears actually block us from enjoying our teenagers, because we’re so afraid for them that those fears become controlling and don’t give them that space to move out.

I mean, if they’re fifteen, then we only have like a thousand days. That might sound a lot, but we started off with sort of six or seven thousand days of their lives. And, you know, at sixteen we’ve, what, six hundred or seven hundred days left, and you suddenly realise that in a timescale that’s quite a short period of time. And yet we expect them at eighteen to be able to live independent, responsible lives; but we really have a responsibility to put boundaries but not restrict them from becoming good adults with the ability to make decisions and work things out for themselves.

OUT 00:47:53

SILAAs we’ve said, some boundaries will be non-negotiable. But there are many others we need to negotiate, such as what time they need to be home, where they are allowed to go, whether or not they can go to a particular party. With these kind of issues, there is a lot of room for negotiation.

Negotiation requires discussion. As our teenagers get older it’s healthy for them to contribute more and more to decisions affecting their lives. Negotiation facilitates that sort of discussion.

Tim Smith, a youth worker and author, writes that when we spend time debating with our teenagers, we demonstrate respect by taking the time and focus to spar intellectually with them. This helps the development of their logic and reasoning abilities. It also helps them feel that their viewpoint is valid enough to discuss. A teenager reasons, ‘If they value my opinion enough to debate it, they must value me enough to try to understand me.’

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Insert – 3.21 Teenagers – parents being prepared to compromiseIN 00:48:48

Girl (VOX POP) I don’t think that they should dictate to them, because I think the more that parents will dictate to teenagers, the more that they want to rebel against that. But to kind of find somewhere in between, to say, ‘Well, you can do this, but you can’t do that,’ or just to create some kind of in between where you’ll say, ‘Well, you can go out and do this if you do this as well. If you do well like this, then you can go out and have fun.’ Which I think definitely works. Because if you say, ‘You can’t do that,’ then people – teenagers especially – will just rebel against it and do what they want.

Peter Rather than saying ‘No’, she probably should have talked it through with me more: you know, found out whether I was going to be safe; you know, the timings; if I had a plan about everything, how I was going to get there, how I was going to get back. That would show that, you know, I had thought it through and it wasn’t just a spontaneous little jaunt to someone’s house. So if we’d set out the plan of my night, she would have been able to see that it was a lot calmer than it maybe worked out in her head. So yeah, she should have probably talked it through before saying a flat-out ‘No’.

Christian Okay, I think my advice, which I found very helpful, was my parents were able to meet me halfway. So if I wanted to go out of a school evening and I’d say, ‘Oh Mum, can I go out until nine o’clock?’ and she’d go, ‘Have you got homework?’ and I’d be like ‘Yes,’ she’d go: ‘Do you want to make it seven-thirty and then you come back and do your homework, or do your homework now and it can be eight-thirty?’ She’d always meet me halfway; it wouldn’t be a straight turnaround and go ‘No’ and then just go back to what she’s doing. She’d always try to please me so that we were both satisfied with what we were doing and we were both happy with it.

OUT 00:50:24

SILAThere are two dangers for parents. One is always changing our mind; the other is never changing our mind. With teenagers we must be prepared to change our minds, not because it’s easier, not because we’ve been worn down, but because we’ve been persuaded by their reasoning. Equally, there will be times when we have to hold firm.

We know someone who as a teenager was highly irresponsible with money. His parents kept giving in to his demands and bailing him out. But this was really a disservice to him as he was not learning to take responsibility and budget what he had. Now he is in his twenties, he has still not learnt to budget and has run into more serious financial difficulties.

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Insert – 3.22 Parents – negotiating boundariesIN 00:51:08

Pauline One day she came with a list of reasons why she should go to bed later than she did, and had a meeting. And that was very – she got what she wanted, didn’t she (Yeah) – a very mature way of going about it, you know: ‘Blah-blah, I will get up on time and go to school,’ like, didn’t she! (Yeah) Very clever! She’s very clever! [laughs]

Karen We have had times when we’ve had to negotiate with our teenagers. And one that I remember well is when Hannah wanted to go to a party and just sleepover the evening. And I can remember I had real reservations about the home that she was staying in, and I wasn’t really sure. And so we had to sit down and talk about it. Because I realised it wasn’t easy for her, because everybody else was probably staying the night, and so she’d be the odd one out (Mm) if she came home or, indeed, if she didn’t go.

So we sat and talked about it, and we did actually come up with the agreement that she could go to the party and that we would let her stay a little later than normal, but that we would be there to pick her up late in the evening. I think we picked her up about eleven o’clock, maybe twelve. But the amazing thing is that actually when we picked her up she was really glad that we had come and picked her up, because things were going in a way that she really was uncomfortable with, and actually she was glad to come home.

Owen When we get it right, we normally sit down and have a proper (Mm) negotiation, and when we get it wrong we just say ‘This is it!’ [they laugh]

Pauline That’s true!

OUT 00:52:43

NICKY

5. Work out appropriate consequences

Fifth, we need to work out appropriate consequences if and when our teenagers overstep an important boundary, otherwise we are not teaching them responsibility.

If they abuse our trust by coming back later than we have said, or going where they are not allowed or lying to us, there needs to be a consequence. Sometimes, there is a natural consequence we can allow them to suffer. At other times, we need to work out what will best act as a disincentive for them not to repeat their behaviour.

Insert – 3.23 Teenagers – experiencing consequencesIN 00:53:14

Christian I remember a time when I told my parents I was going to do a football

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tournament in the evening, just a little thing, and it was only two seconds away from the door. And after that me and my friend, we went and saw some girls down the local park, and we were out there – I think I was only about fifteen – we were out there till ten o’clock. And Dad had to drive to come and find me, and so I was grounded for two weeks, and that was pretty hard to accept! [they laugh] ’Cos my friend wasn’t. So, yeah!

Reanne One time I was ringing mobiles off of our landline, and that cost quite a lot. And I was staying on for like three hours! And I kept doing it again and again. And when the phone bill came in, my mum saw the phone bill and it went up by thirty pounds! And my punishment for that was I had to pay about twenty-five pounds of that. But that was a right punishment, ’cos I’ve never done that again, and I never will!

OUT 00:54:12

NICKYThe closer the connection between the boundary that’s been crossed and the consequence, the more effective it will be. So, one couple decided that if their teenager was home later than they had agreed, they would double the number of minutes the teenager was late, and the next time she had to come back that much earlier.

We need to take time to consider what is appropriate. If the consequence we impose is too lenient, it will have no effect. On the other hand, if it is too harsh, it will cause resentment. With younger children, the consequence needs to be more immediate, so that it is clearly linked to the offence.

With older children we can take longer to decide. In fact, several days is fine and it gives them plenty of opportunity to think over what they’ve done. We can say to our teenager, ‘I’m not sure what to do about this straightaway, but I’ll let you know.’

The most appropriate consequence might be stopping their allowance, refusing their next invitation to a party, not allowing them to stay over with friends, banning the TV or computer games for a night (or a week if it’s more serious), setting them a task like cleaning the car, sweeping up leaves or doing the ironing. Sometimes, however, being caught out and knowing our disappointment is enough.

Insert – 3.24 Parents and teenagers – rebuilding trust00:55:27

Emma My parents have trusted me – well, actually they didn’t really trust me at one point, where I sort of fell into the whole peer pressure thing and was wanting to go to parties with my friends, knowing that my parents wouldn’t like me to do that. So (Mm) I would lie. And they would find out!

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Elaine I remember the one time where we found out. And you had told us you were at a house, and you weren’t there. And we went to the house just because we happened to be driving down the street, and phoned you. And you said (Ohh!) – [laughs] that was awful, wasn’t it!

Emma It was!

Elaine You said, ‘Well, I’m babysitting.’ And we said, ‘Well, we’re at the babysitter’s, and you don’t look like you’re there!’ And so you got caught.

Emma Yeah. And I think when I did get caught, that’s when I was – I knew ‘I can’t be doing this! I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m feeling such anxiety and …’

Elaine And guilt.

Emma [gives deep breath] Ah, guilt, yeah! It was bad. But I think – we’ve definitely built trust.

Elaine Mm. You had to build it up again after that.

Emma Yeah.

OUT 00:56:44

SILAOne final thing for setting boundaries that was invaluable to us was the alarm clock tip.

When our teenagers got to the age of returning from a party after the time we wanted to go to bed, we put an alarm clock just outside our bedroom door, set for the time by which they had to return. Their task was to turn the alarm off before it woke us up! In that way, we could go to sleep without worrying about them, knowing that if the alarm hadn’t gone off all was well! Sometimes, we heard later, that they had to throw themselves at the clock with seconds to spare!

Setting boundaries with teenagers isn’t easy; but keeping our overall aim in mind that we’re helping them to take responsibility and to learn to set good boundaries for themselves helps us through all the ups and downs of these turbulent years.

NICKY

SMALL GROUP DISCUSSIONPlease look at the questions for discussion in your manual.

SILAWe’re going to close this session with a prayer:

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‘Lord, thank you that you guide us and show us the best way to live. Thank you that you give us your love and your boundaries, that we might live life to the full. Please help us to guide our teenagers so that they grow in trust and responsibility and become people who look out for others. Help us to give you our fears and our longings so that, as we let our children go, they may know a sense of freedom in becoming the people you’ve made them to be. We ask this in Jesus’ name. Amen.’

NICKYIn the next session we’ll be looking at handling anger – ours and theirs, resolving conflict and handling stress, all essential for developing emotional health.

SILAGoodbye.

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