This is the topic of the third week - “Challenge.”

hmm...

“I am enough.”

I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.

I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.

I am un oeuf. I am un oeuf. I am un oeuf. I am un oeuf.

(un oeuf is French for “egg”)

I’ve always wondered why I choose to be vulnerable in some situations, but not others, why I choose to remove certain layers of myself for some people, but not for others. I don’t think it has to do with trust (in the sense that although I trust people, it doesn’t necessitate my vulnerability). I don’t think it has to do with a feeling of belonging (in the sense that although I may feel I belong with people, it doesn’t necessitate my vulnerability).

So.. when do I choose to become vulnerable, to open myself up to wholeheartedness, to show my courage? When do I allow my shell to be cracked?

To be honest.. I don’t know.

Rarely do I do it of my own accord (because I need to talk through things, because it will benefit me).

Mainly, when I’m vulnerable, it’s because I am using it as a conduit to connect with someone. I think of this in two ways:1) In building community- I had the opportunity to be a part of Pineapple Cats last week in class. I shared with them more about my family situation, the kind of stuff I don’t talk about with others normally. I didn’t do this because I had to, or even because I really wanted to, but because I felt this strange commitment toward them, that they deserved it. I don’t really know what that means.

2) In serious situations- When people come talk to me about serious things going on in their lives, sometimes I share that degree of experiences from my life. In this sense, I do it to “help,” to let them know that they’re not alone.

To be honest.. I don’t know.

And that’s why this subject is hard for me. BecauseI don’t have the answers. And I’m not sure why I’ll be vulnerable in a classroom situation with a small group, but not with a small group of other friends (why one group deserves my vulnerability, while another group doesn’t).

And I know that I’m enough, I really do. I have confidence in myself and a high sense of self-worth. So, I really don’t think that’s it. Is there a difference between me being comfortable in my own thoughts/experiences, but not being comfortable sharing them with others?

Meh, I’m a work in progress.

So.. I didn’t follow the rules on this one.I’m thinking back to a series of conversations that I had with other people last year...

I was questioning whether or not I was a good RAWhether I deserved to be the SERVE RAWhether I should even be an RA the next year.

You all met George. Well, it started with him. Not in a bad way, just in a “Hey Brock, you should live with us next year.”

Hmm... Live with four other dudes in an apartment that I know will be super dirty and probably pretty gross? Not too appealing.

.. But still.. Have I missed out on “the college experience?” On being able to have free time and not have the feeling of always being watched (by residents, by other RAs, by my supervisors...)

And so I thought. Financially - not being an RA is a super stupid choice. Super stupid. But as much as I don’t want to admit it, everything isn’t always about the money. So what did I want? Was I being fulfilled in the RA role? Was I good at it? Was I doing good WITH it?

I talked with a series of people about this.. And I got the normal, “Oh no, of course you’re good,” “Yeah, you definitely deserve to be the SERVE RA,” “etc etc.” But I didn’t really believe them. It felt like an obligatory response (Who would really say, “Nah, you kinda suck?”).

Each year, I’ve sent out a survey to my residents mid-year (really, mid-first-semester) to see how I’m doing, to get a pulse-check. And I think ultimately, that’s what I turned to. People think I’m doing okay. People think there’s more/different things that I can do, too, which makes the first part of the feedback feel more real.

So after wrestling with it, yeah, I’m decent at this whole RA shenanigans.

But should I be the SERVE RA? I heard of other RAs who have gone on multiple service trips abroad, who have been to the DR, to Africa, to places that I probably couldn’t even point to on a map. What have I done? I’ve dibble dabbled in the Y - but most of that was service to the Y itself, not actual service to the community. I’m involved on campus, but I counted that as involvement not service. Why am I the SERVE RA?

So.. that was a process. I struggled with that question. I found that the way I serve others and my community, the way that I feel utilizes my passions and talents, is investing in and mentoring others. The majority of my time here has been spent doing this, and that’s how I see my service.

I find value in staying up, listening, talking with residents, even when it’s mostly about trivial things. I really appreciate when people stop by my room just to say “Hi” and chat (Shout out to Daniel - he does this every day). I feel fulfilled when helping others with resumes or applications, in preparing for interviews (I want their success almost as much as they want it).

So..

My service is not the kind that roars, the kind that can be seen from space. No, it’s more of a soft mumble, something that glints when the light hits it just right.

And that’s cool with me.