Covenantal Parenting

Introductions- Name, Children (age(s)) and 2 questions:

Question: What is your most positive “take home” from your parents about parenting?Question: What do you fear most about being a parent?

Introduction: Discerning the temporary-cultural from the eternal-spiritual in Christian parenting

It had been said in generational studies that what goes around, comes around. E.g. According to generational historians and authors William Strauss and Neil Howe, each generation lasts about 20 to 25 years, and the characteristics of generations repeat approximately every 80 to 100 years – the average length of a human life. For instance, the Gen x generation is characterized by “x-treme” parenting style, or “helicopter parent” similar to the 50’s. That being said, each generation of parents develops its signature parenting style. While no description can cover every parent. Past stereotypes of parenting styles include:

1950s: Adult-centric family structure, where children were part of the family, but not the focus of the family. Adults and children lived parallel lives, with parents interacting with children for discipline and life lessons. Children were sent off to play on their own.

1960s: A continuation of the 1950s, with a move towards more permissiveness and creativity. As the world began to grow more open-minded, so did parents.

1970s-1980s: As divorce became more common and women entered the workforce, children began to take on more responsibility for their well-being and day-to-day needs. Latchkey kids became more commonplace, and the traditional mom, with milk and cookies waiting after school, became less so.

1990s- 2000: Helicoptering, over-scheduling, fears about safety – parents became more and more involved in their children's lives, from morning until bedtime than ever before.

The phrase latchkey kid, a media scare term two decades ago, has all but vanished from the press.

GenX is turned out to be some of the most conservative, protective, proactive parents in history. They enact legislation for smaller class sizes, volunteer at school, leave their fast paced jobs to stay home with their children and homeschool their kids in record numbers.

GenX parents insert themselves into even the most minute activities in their children's lives, a phenomenon that's known as "helicopter parenting… ."When [the kids] have little failures, they feel like our own failures," Ginsburg

2010-? Millennial Parenting 1

Take Two® | October 22, 2015 “Millennials have been helicoptered and over-scheduled. How will they parent their kids?”

In 2017 millennials make up 90% of all new parents.

o Millennial parents, the cohort   born  between 1980 and 2000  of which there are an estimated 22 million of in the U.S., are astutely tailoring their parenting style to the needs of their family while challenging traditional societal norms.

Millennials Are Waiting Longer to Start Families o in 2015, the average age a woman had her first baby was 28, according to

the CDC. Compare that to 1990, when the average age of a first-time mother was 25,

"Google is the new grandparent, the new neighbor, the new nanny."o From the first sonogram to high school graduation, most parents in the

2010's are not shy - or conflicted - about sharing their children's lives online. Eighty-one percent of Millennial parents have shared images of their children on social media, compared to 47% of Baby Boomers parents. Parenting blogs, which started in the early 2000s, are now everywhere

o "The good news is that parents know more about child development than ever before." The bad news is it can be overwhelming — and sometimes disempowering.

Family Structure Is Open to Interpretation o Married couples comprise 68% of parents in the 21st century, compared to

93% in the 1950's. a Pew report finds that just 46% of kids in 2016 were living in a

household with two married parents in their first marriage, compared to 61% in 1980.

o According to Census.gov, between 2 million and 3.7 million children under age 18 have an LGBTQ parent, and approximately 200,000 of them are being raised by a same-sex couple.

o More women are choosing to be single parents each year. Once typical of only poor and minority women, this trend doesn't seem to be slowing down, as the stigma of being a single mother has been replaced by the choice by women to have children on their own.

o Millennial men are resisting stereotypes about dads' incompetence. The World Economic Forum reports that stereotypes of fumbling dads aren't just insulting; they also don't reflect reality. In response to millennial men's frustration, many brands are trying to change the depictions of dads in media.

o Millennial dads are present and proud=40% of dads either were a stay-at-home parent currently, or had done it at some point in the past. Of those who don’t stay home, the vast majority — 65% of them — said that they could see themselves doing the job someday.

o When asked whether they value home ownership or traveling and having

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family experiences, experiences won out with 56% of our cohort. One respondent even noted, amusingly: “We’re not “expletive” hoarders. We prefer experiences to belongings.

Unique Names Are the Norm and the focus on identity formation vs. o Baby Boomers tended to name their children so they would fit in with other

kids… Unique names were not typical until very recently. Millennials are finding unusual, special and varied names for their babies, leading to grandparents who have learned to keep their opinions to themselves and classroom teachers who may have to guess at a child's gender before the first day of class.

The New York Post reported on a study that found as many as 20% of millennial parents said they changed or considered changing their baby's name based on available domain names.

Meanwhile, Refinery29 reported that some millennial parents are naming their kids after IKEA furniture.

Millennial’s put their children firsto Generationally, millennials are perhaps best known for their legendary

individualism and fixation on self. They are more image-conscious and interested in health and fitness than previous generations. Employers struggle to manage them, at times bemoaning their entitled attitudes and desire for “participation trophies”.

o None of these traits showed in the data from our survey. We asked millennial parents to rank statements that mapped to one of the following categories: values children, values relationship, or values individual growth. Overwhelmingly, their responses indexed very highly for “values children”, somewhere in the middle for “values relationship”, and dead last for “values individual growth”

o The data point that most thoroughly de-bunks the “special snowflake” millennial stereotype? 91% of respondents value “raising successful children” more highly than “living up to my full potential”.

Millennial parents think they dole out too much praise-- meritorious less emotional based….(reaction to helicopter parenting?)

o A 2015 survey from the Pew Research Institute found that 40% of millennials say they praise their kids too much, compared to 31% of Gen X parents and 24% of Baby Boomer parents. This was true even when researchers controlled for kids' ages.

Millennials don't place as high a value on playtimeo 65% of millennial parents say playtime is important for children to develop

emotional skills, compared to 75% of Gen X parents and 85% of Boomer parents.

More Family Time o It may not make sense, given that 46% of Millennial parents in the 2010's

are both in the workforce, vs. 31% in 1970, but Millennials spend more time than any previous generation with their children. Fathers, in particular, are spending a lot more time - 59 minutes a day - with their children than

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fathers spent with their children in the 1960's, when they averaged only 16 minutes a day of time spent parenting.

o The commitment to a structured schedule that many Millennials have for their children's activities means that parents are often with their kids,

o With more people working from home, parents are much more readily available for last minute chores,commitments, and school activities. Millennials parents are far more child-focused than parents in past decades, and that's how they like it.

Millennial parents are more likely to struggle financiallyo childcare and education costs have increased to 18% of the total cost of

raising a kid, from just 2% in 1960.o What's more, as the Washington Post points out, the average 18- to 34-

year-old today makes about $2,000 less than they would have in 1980. o And many millennial parents are still paying off their own student loans,

making it difficult to put money away for their kids' college education.

Millennial parents are much more concerned with their kids' safety and nutrition(note if Gen x helicopter parenting was more concerned for their child’s achievement, millennial more concerned for safety---

o A survey by Influenster, cited in AdWeek, found that millennial moms say nutrition is more important than price or convenience when it comes to packing their kids' lunch.

o Shaped by an era dominated by post 9/11 security concerns, international conflicts, and a massiveglobal recession, millennials have channelled a climate of uncertainty into a commitment to 

Millennials are raising less religious childreno Romper reports that millennials are more likely to say they're unaffiliated

with any religion than older generations are. And a survey by the Center for Open Science found that 18% of millennials' kids said they never attend religious services with their families, compared to 14% of Gen X-ers' kids.

The Point of Generational parenting review???

Again, each generation of parents develops its signature parenting style. And to be sure, there are some good reasons to have a generational perspective if for the sake of being self aware in a manner that allows for more analysis toward learning from the past, if also more objective self-critique.

But this then begs the question by what standard ought we as Christians to be self-critical as parents (and yes, as grand-parents and pre-parents—lest

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we merely adopt our own cultural less biblical presuppositions.

Our aim, if to be truly Christian, is to start with Biblical principles or perhaps better a biblically informed theological vision such as to inform practices and manners of parenting. (e.g. what the elements of Christian parenting as distinguished from the cultural forms they may take as to be relevant).

Related: How should the generations relate?

Note elemental principals vs. cultural forms…. o Aged—has a way of discerning the principals, even if to

confuse with formso Younger—has a way of discerning the fomrs, efvn if to

confuse with principals

I. Children and the Gospel from a Covenantal Perspective

Covenant Thesis Summarized: a covenantal approach to family will assume a presumptive approach to the Gospel as offered to children based upon the covenant promised from God to the “household” jurisdiction as part of God’s covenant church community. The presumption of a child’s ultimate assurance in the gospel is always ultimately predicated upon divine election acting through effectual calling/regeneration in the child’s life. And yet “ordinarily” the very important “election” of a child to be born into the covenant community establishes the presumption if then to be “confirmed” by a credible profession of faith at an age of discernment. This principle applied will seek daily to encourage our children to believe, feel and live as those who are being (present and active) transformed by the gospel of grace in Christ unto eternal life.

“We love because first loved us. Perfect love casts out fear”

o The Biblical Text of Origin for Covenantal Parenting: Gen. 17:7-8

7 And I will establish my covenant between me and you and your offspring after you throughout their generations for an everlasting covenant, to be God to you and to your offspring after you. 8 And I will give to you and to your offspring after you the land of your sojournings, all the land of Canaan, for an everlasting possession, and I will be their God.”

Observations: By covenant, it is simply meant “an agreement” or “contract” between

two parties wherein covenant blessing or curse is predicated upon covenant stipulations not kept or kept. Clearly, the “parties” involved are God and not just Abraham (the individual person), but Abraham as he is the covenant head (federal executor) as related to a covenant household.

between me and you and your offspring after you throughout their generations

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Originally established at Creation (Gen.1:16), the Abrahamic covenant is in continuity with the creation covenant (c.f. vs. 1-5 “fruitful and multiply per Gen 1) and pertains to nothing less than a contract between God and humanity as pertaining to eternal life with abundance in God’s presence (blessing) or eternal death with suffering in God’s absence.

“everlasting covenant…. everlasting possession as related to the promised land, which according to Hebrews 11 is speaking of heaven, the “city whose designer and builder is God.”

c.f. Heb. 11:8    By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. 9 By faith he went to live in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, heirs with him of the same promise. 10 For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God… 14 They were seeking a homeland… 15 a better country, that is, a heavenly one.

Is there any greater and more ultimate inheritance or legacy to be passed down to a covenant child from the vantage point of a covenant parent? From even a practical perspective, is there any legacy more important?

What other legacies, given their outward immediacy, might compete with this legacy for parents? How has “legacy” been secularized?

Col. 3:1   If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.

This covenant was made with Abraham, not as an individual, but representing a covenant community in the role of “federal (covenant) head.” (17:4,7) All those who came under the jurisdiction of the covenant family, either by birth, adoption, etc were counted as participants of the covenant. (17:13ff) E.g. the fundamental constituency of covenantal is the household vs. mere individual, contra modern individualism. People are never isolated, but communal by nature according to the covenantal principle. This was reaffirmed in every subsequent covenant such as the Mosaic:

Deut. 1:8 See, I have set the land before you. Go in and take possession of the land that the LORD swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give to them and to their offspring after them.’

Deut. 4:37And because he loved (covenanted) your fathers and chose their offspring after them and brought you out of Egypt with his own presence, by his great power

c.f. below New Covenant and Christian Baptism

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How then was this legacy to be passed down? Perhaps strangely at first, the stipulation of the covenant to be kept by Abraham was circumcision!

As for you, you shall keep my covenant, you and your offspring after you throughout their generations. 10 This is my covenant, which you shall keep, between me and you and your offspring after you: Every male among you shall be circumcised. 11 You shall be circumcised in the flesh of your foreskins, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and you… So shall my covenant be in your flesh an everlasting covenant.

Observations: All those who came under the jurisdiction of the covenant family,

either by birth, adoption, etc were counted as participants of the covenant. (17:13ff) E.g. the fundamental constituency of covenantalism is the household vs. mere individual, contra modern individualism. People are never isolated, but communal by nature according to the covenantal principle.

Why “male” offspring? So shall my covenant be in your flesh an everlasting covenant.

E.g. covenant progeny-- keeping in mind the federal headship idea as to covenantly involve all members of future covenant families under covenant headship, male and female!

What was assumed regarding the efficacy of circumcision? Was it a magic event wherein automatically the child was saved. NO. It was predicated upon their circumcision as tied to their participation in the means of grace as given by God in and through the covenant community?

78: He established a testimony in Jacob and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers to teach to their children, that the next generation might know them, the children yet unborn, and arise and tell them to their children, so that they should set their hope in God and not forget the works of God.

What then would be the ultimate task of covenant parenting? How would this transform the way a covenant parent “sojourns”

life with their children? Relation to this world/life? The ultimate goal in how we interact with them about “whatsoever comes to pass” in their lives? Etc.

Deut. 6:1 ¶ Now this is the commandment--the statutes and the ordinances--that the LORD your God charged me to teach you to observe in the land that you are about to cross into and occupy, 2 so

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that you and your children and your children's children, may fear the LORD your God all the days of your life, and keep all his decrees and his commandments that I am commanding you, so that your days may be long. 3 Hear therefore, O Israel, and observe them diligently, so that it may go well with you, and so that you may multiply greatly in a land flowing with milk and honey, as the LORD, the God of your ancestors, has promised you… 6 Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart. 7 Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise. 8 Bind them as a sign on your hand, fix them as an emblem on your forehead, 9 and write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

That was then, but what about now? Under the NT, the same stipulation was kept albeit through baptism

Acts 2:37 Now when they heard this they were cut to the heart, and said to Peter and the rest of the apostles, “Brothers, what shall we do?” 38 And Peter said to them, “Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. 39 For the promise is for you and for your children and for all who are far off, everyone whom the Lord our God calls to himself.”

o As such the covenant stipulation directly involved both male and female members of that household as long as were under the covenant headship of at least on “believing” parent.

Gal. 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave7 nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

Note as well how the same “blessing” through baptism is offered per the gospel

Col 2:11ff In him also you were circumcised with a circumcision made without hands, by putting off the body of the flesh, by the circumcision of Christ, having been buried with him in baptism, in which you were also raised with him through faith in the powerful working of God, who raised him from the dead. 13 And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses.

And again, the presumption of salvation (eternal life) such as to receive the blessing of the covenant promise was/is extended to all circumcised/baptized members of the household under the jurisdiction of at least on believing parent. Notice the frequency wherein children are considered participants of the covenant as directly addressed throughout the scripture!!

John 4:53 The father knew that was the hour when Jesus had said to him, “Your son will live.” And he himself believed, mand all his household .

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Acts 10:2 a devout man who feared God with all his household, gave alms generously to the people, and prayed continually to God.Acts 11:14 he will declare to you a message by which zyou will be saved, you and all your household.’Acts 16:15 And after she was baptized, v and her househo ld as well, she urged us, saying, “If you have judged me to be faithful to the Lord, come to my house and stay.” And she wprevailed upon us.Acts 16:31 And they said, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household . ”Acts 16:34 Then he brought them up into his house and set food before them. And he rejoiced along with his entire household that he had believed in God.Acts 18:8 Crispus, the ruler of the synagogue, believed in the Lord, together with his entire household . And many of the Corinthians hearing Paul believed and were baptized.1Cor. 1:16 (I did baptize also the household of Stephanas . Beyond that, I do not know whether I baptized anyone else.)

Not only those that do actually profess faith in Christ, but also the infants of one, or both, believing parents, are to be baptized. (WCF 28:4)

Acts 2'...the children of believers are baptized not in order that they who were previously strangers to the church may then for the first time become children of God, but rather that, because by the blessing of the promise they already belonged to the body of Christ, they are received into the church with this solemn sign.' (Calvin Institutes, IV,xv, 22. ]'...it will be evident that baptism is properly administered to infants as something owed to them. For in early times the Lord did not deign to have them circumcised without making them participants in all those things which were then signified by circumcision. [Institutes, IV, xvi, 5.]

AS for the power of baptism to transact the promise, like circumcision, it is tied to children in so far as their baptism engrafts them as members into the covenant community such as to fully participate in the life of God as mediated in the life of the body of Christ. (c.f. Eph 1, 2) Children as such are “nurtured” in their faith, less “evangelized.” They are raised presupposing a heart being prepared for and receptive of the gospel by the Holy Spirit even if in anticipation of this being later confirmed through a self-conscience and “studied” adult profession of faith. (Eph.6:13ff)

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The efficacy of Baptism is not tied to that moment of time wherein it is administered; yet, notwithstanding, by the right use of this ordinance, the grace promised is not only offered, but really exhibited, and conferred, by the Holy Ghost, to such (whether of age or infants) as that grace belongeth unto, according to the counsel of God's own will, in His appointed time. (WCF 28:6)

Eph. 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Note: It by a plain reading of scripture even—what do these passages at least seem to say? And why not???

1Pet. 3:21 Baptism, which corresponds to this, now saves you, not as a removal of dirt from the body but as an appeal to God for a good conscience, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ,Col. 2:12 having been buried with him in baptism, in which you were also raised with him through faith in the powerful working of God, who raised him from the dead.Rom. 6:4 We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. Acts 2:38 And Peter said to them, “Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

WCF 27.1-2 What is a sacrament? Notice especially four distinguishing marks: “Immediate Institution” “holy Sign”—i.e. it symbolizes that which is promised (see below) “holy... Seal”- i.e. it in some sense accomplishes that which is promised (see

below) “Spiritual Relation . . . between the thing signified and the sign” or means of

grace. (see below)

What does all this mean exactly? Do the sacraments “effect” anything in so far as salvation is concerned? Notice section 3—and the answer “yes and no” depending on how we mean it.

NO: grace is “not conferred by any power in them; neither doth the efficacy of a sacrament depend upon the piety or intention of him that doth administer it. Thus, the elements themselves are not in any way transformed as to have any power in themselves (no “holy water” or “holy bread/wine” if by this it is meant they are anything other than they are naturally)

YES: grace is conferred... upon the work of the Spirit, and the word of institution, which contains, together with a precept authorizing the use thereof, a promise of benefit to worthy receivers. (“holy water” and “holy bread/wine” in so far as they are instruments used by the Holy Spirit to confer grace and salvation “TO THE ELECT” as received and confirmed by faith alone.

As to the “thing signified”

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WCF 28.1 of his ingrafting into Christ, of regeneration, of remission of sins, and of his giving up unto God, through Jesus Christ, to walk in newness of life.

As to the spiritual relation of the sign to the thing signified: by the right use of this ordinance, the grace promised is not only offered, but really exhibited, and conferred, by the Holy Ghost, to such (whether of age or infants) as that grace belongeth unto, according to the counsel of God's own will, in His appointed time.

Qualification: WCF 28.5 Not necessarily: yet grace and salvation are not so inseparably annexed unto it, as that no person can be regenerated, or saved, without it: or, that all that are baptized are undoubtedly regenerated.Not necessarily immediately: WCF 28.6 The efficacy of Baptism is not tied to that moment of time wherein it is administered

o C.f. A Baptism That Saves, Preston Graham

Children are therefore raised not as strangers or outsiders to the covenant and salvation, but members therein, as then to assume the gospel principle throughout our whole system of parenting! For instance, they are throughout covenant history assumed as present at renewal events (Dt.29:9ff, Joel 2:16) and addressed as among the “saints” of the Christian church (Eph.1:1, 6:13, 1Cor.7:14) wherein the kingdom of God is even said to belong to them (Mt.18:13ff)

The relation between Salvation and Covenant Membership through Christian Baptism

Acts 2:38 And Peter said to them, “Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. 39 For the promise is for you and for your children

o Children of a believing parent requires no “examination” o Promise of Forgiveness by means of the Holy Spirit is promisedo And yet later to be confirmed by a “credible profession of faith per

the requirement of self-awareness and examination1 Cor. 11:28 Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. 29 For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself.

Note: Discern what?? (not self-worthiness, but Christ’s worthiness—the body—what will it take for a child to “discern” and “examine” him/her self—what level of experience/maturity/training as to come by faith and not by false pretence of worthiness by works??)

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o C.f From Baptism To Lords Supper (Position Paper Adopted by Session at CPC New Haven)

In summary, a covenantal approach to family will assume a presumptive approach to Gospel and children relative to the “house-hold” jurisdiction, always conceding the ultimate determining reality of divine election acting through effectual calling/regeneration. This principle applied will seek daily to encourage our children to believe, feel and live as those who are being (presently and actively) transformed by the power of the gospel by grace through faith in Christ unto eternal life. The covenantal relation between covenantal parenting and covenant children was bound up in the prophetic expectations of the great day of the Lord (Coming of the Kingdom of God by the Messiah)

Mal. 4:1 See, the day is coming… 5 Lo, I will send you the prophet Elijah before the great and terrible day of the LORD comes. 6 He will turn the hearts of parents to their children and the hearts of children to their parents, so that I will not come and strike the land with a curse.

Next recorded message from God would be in Luke 1:17 to Zacharias concerning his son who would be the foretold forerunner.

Luke 1:17 With the spirit and power of Elijah he will go before him, to turn the hearts of parents to their children, and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous, to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.”

Luke again remembers the promise on the day of Pentecost: Acts 2:39 For the promise is for you and for your children and for all who are far off, everyone whom the Lord our God calls to himself.”

And the promise is therefore enjoined upon the responsibility of parents by the apostle Paul in Ephesians 6:1-3

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

WHAT IS Covenantal Parenting? Parenting wherein the primary motivation, nature and means of parenting a child is first and foremost covenantal. At its core:

"The nature of our relationships with our children is therefore not fully seen by merely regarding the infant as a beautiful animal organized, in miniature, after the kind of the parents.  

What would it look like in parenting if thesis is the way we think of our children? E.g. A secularized version of parenting How might evern Christian parents fall into this pattern?

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“It is the mysterious propagation of a rational soul that fills the reflecting mind with awe.  When the parent looks upon the infantile smile; he should see beneath that smile an immortal spark which has been kindled, but can never be quenched, and ought to be nurtured for blessing rather than for curse... Train with this thought continually before your eyes— that the soul of your child is the first thing to be considered.” 

J C Ryle

What would it mean to keep this thought “continually before our eyes? And how would it impact the manner in which we “sojourn” together with our children unto heaven? Hint: Parental Vows Unto Children Baptism

1.   Do you acknowledge your child’s need of the cleansing blood of Jesus Christ, and the renewing grace of the Holy Spirit?2.   Do you claim God’s covenant promises in (his) behalf, and do you look in faith to the Lord Jesus Christ for (his) salvation, as you do for your own?3.   Do you now unreservedly consecrate your child to God, and promise, in humble reliance upon divine grace, that you will endeavor to set before (him/her) a godly example, that you will pray with and for (him/her), that you will teach (him/her) the doctrines of our holy religion, and that you will strive, by all the means of God’s appointment, to bring (him/her) up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord?

The Vows Of Covenant Parenting (BCO 65.5)

What is meant by Covenantal Parenting therefore? Eph. 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Col 3:21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged

Note: Neg. command—‘DON’T! “do not provoke to anger” is one Grk Word: parorgidzo (only used 2 x’s in NT)

o Prefix-- Para- to go along beside or beyond or contrary to the main verbo Verb- orgidzo—to make angry or jealous (some translate exasperate)

Which one?? Paul’s only other use of this word in Rom 10:19!

Rom. 10:19 But I ask, did Israel not understand? First Moses says,

“I will make you jealous of those who are not a nation; with a foolish nation I will make you angry.”

In context: Vs 17-- Paul is talking about those who have faith from HEARING, and hearing THROUGH THE WORD OF GOD Vs. 18—the question turns to Israel—“have they not heard?” This then prompts a series of quotes from Moses and the Prophets.

o Vs. 18—the gospel has been preached to the ends of the eartho Vs. 19—So why didn’t all Israel undertand? Answer?

“I will make you jealous of those who are not a nation;with a foolish nation I will make you angry.”

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Clearly, “angry” here (parogidzo) is in synonomous parallel with “Jealous”

E.g. enraged at the nations who are not Isael but who are hearing/receiving the gospel such as to provoke them to jealousy…

Paul further explains: Rom. 10:20 Then Isaiah is so bold as to say, “I have been found by those who did not seek me; I have shown myself to those who did not ask for me.”Etc.

In other words—it is likely Paul is using parogidzo in Eph 6:4 as he did in Rom 10… especially in so far as he is in both places talking about a people coming, or not coming, to faith in Christ (Israel, Children respectively) Paul’s point then—Fathers, as assisted by mothers, do not be the cause of you children resenting/being jealous/angry in so far as not having access to the word and life of Christ—e.g. becoming jealous of those who do. Now I can here you now—my child never complains that if I don’t spend as much time teaching/disciplining them as say another parent. Well, no and yes!! No—not immediately—not in so far as in their natural states are always wanting to do the things that instruction/discipline entail… Yes—in the grand scheme of things—viewed from the vantage point of salvation- as everyone will view their lives from such a vantage point eventually, even if at their death… the are “angry/jealous/resentful” that they have not heard/been instruction as to the things of the Lord!

Yes, E.g. “Spiritual Anger/Jealousyo Notice then how this makes perfect sense of what Paul says next- clearly as to define ‘parogidzo” in

contrast to “discipline and instruction in the Lord”

E.g. do not provoke to spiritual jealousy by neglect of gospel centered discipleship (training)

E.g. Exasperation here is defined by negligence in the parenting duties of child discipleship. The emphasis here is on discipl eship —or “of the Lord” –e.g. discipline and instruction “unto, with respect to, relative to…” THE LORD!

Covenantal Parenting, when understood in the totality of redemptive history, is meant Gospel centered parenting.

First—The Covenant Child is raised with a redeemed identity as derived from who they are IN Christ by Faith Alone, both as related to their justification and adoption.

Justification- A covenantal child is raised to believe that he/she is by faith in Christ no longer condemned under the burden of guilt and sin and are therefore no longer in need of proving anything to God or anyone. A Covenant child is raised to be comfortable in his/her own “skin.”

Rom. 8:1   There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Adoption—A covenant child is raised as being valuable to God not by virtue of his/her service to God, but by virtue of his/her family relation to God as sons/daughters such that they are set free to love God because God has first loved them.

1John 3:1 See what love the Father has given us, that we

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should be called children of God; and so we are.

Second—The Covenant Child is raised wherein all behavior, values, hopes and aspirations are the intuitive and learned outflow of who we believe that we are in Christ in the most fundamental and holistic sense.

Redemption: Raising a child in the grace of God unto salvation as applied to sanctification as the way to true and lasting freedom.

Gal. 5:1   For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.

II. The Main Elements of Covenantal Parenting: Committing ourselves to the primary calling of child discipleship!

Also From BCO: The minister is also to exhort the parents to the careful performance of their duty, requiring:

1. That they teach the child to read the Word of God; 2. that they instruct him in the principles of our holy religion, as

contained in the Scriptures of the Old and New Testaments, an excellent summary of which we have in the Confession of Faith, and in the Larger and Shorter Catechisms of the Westminster Assembly, which are to be recommended to them as adopted by the Church, for their direction and assistance, in the discharge of this important duty;

3. that they pray with and for him; 4. that they set an example of piety and godliness before him; 5. and endeavor, by all the means of God’s appointment, to bring up

their child in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

But it is not JUST the parent-child relationship, it also involves the relationship of child to church.

So then you are no longer strangers and aliens,4 but you are efellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, 20 built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being jthe cornerstone, 21 in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into la holy temple in the Lord. 22 In him myou also are being built together ninto a dwelling place for God by5 the Spirit.

So important is this, that in a tradition that does not take vows in the assembly of worship lightly, the congregation is also asked to vow in their relationship with a covenant child—a vow that I would want every covenant child in our congregation to grow up hearing concerning themselves, knowing that it was said about them at their own baptism—as to give them a sense of real belonging and in some regard “entitlement” and safety in this house of God through all the stages of their development… to see them run around like they “own the place” is but a metaphor that they grow up knowing that this is their home church family— filled with people that are

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covenanted to be for them and with them in ups and downs of their Christian journey to adult and credible professions of faith…

So then--

To the congregation: Do you as a congregation undertake the responsibility of assisting the parents in the Christian nurture of this child?

The Importance of a Home and Church Cooperative:

BCO 28-1. The spiritual nurture, instruction and training of the children of the church are committed by God primarily to their parents. They are responsible to the church for the faithful discharge of their obligations. It is a principal duty of the church to promote true religion in the home. True discipleship involves learning the Word of God under the guidance of the Holy Spirit both at home and in the church. Without learning there is no growth and without growth there is no discipline and without discipline there is sin and iniquity (1 Timothy 4:7).

The Importance of A Home/Church Cooperative in Training and Instruction

BCO 28-2. The home and the church should also make special provision for instructing the children in the Bible and in the church Catechisms. To this end Sessions should establish and conduct under their authority Sunday schools and Bible classes, and adopt such other methods as may be found helpful. The Session shall encourage the parents of the church to guide their children in the catechizing and disciplining of them in the Christian religion.

The importance of a Home/Church Cooperative in Sympathetic Relations

e.g. Home & Church Cooperative from Baptism to Lord’s SupperBCO 28-3. The church should maintain constant and sympathetic relations with the children. It also should encourage them, on coming to years of discretion, to make confession of the Lord Jesus Christ and to enter upon all privileges of full church membership. If they are wayward they should be cherished by the church and every means used to reclaim them.

Note what we are and are not waiting for from baptism to Lord’s Supper: Not from no faith to faith, but unconfirmed faith to confirmed

faith… Not from no membership to membership—Covenant children are

already members of the church Confirmed faith = “credible profession of saving faith”:

o Assent: Discerning/Affirming the truth of the gospelo Receive: Discerning their need for the gospel

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o Rest: Discerning the sufficiency of the gospel unto Christian assurance!

The importance of “self-examination” together with church examination unto Christian “rest/assurance.”

o Pastoral consultationo Session exam as to a credible profession of faith

c.f. From Baptism to Lord’s Supper (Position Paper Adopted by CPC Session- on seminar website)

The importance of a Home/Church Cooperative in WorshipGod at the center!

Josh. 8:35 There was not a word of all that Moses commanded that Joshua did not read before all the assembly of Israel, and the women, and the little ones, and the sojourners who lived among them.

2Chr. 20:13 Meanwhile all Judah stood before the LORD, with their little ones, their wives, and their children.

Joel 2:16 gather the people. Consecrate the congregation; assemble the elders; gather the children, even nursing infants.

Mark 10:14 “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.”

Heb. 10:24 And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

Worship is not to be confused with Christian education/instruction) Eph. 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

There is perhaps no more single “program” that will nurture faith than for the whole family to practice that faith in the worship of God together. Family worship is not education or bible school. It is not even primarily and exercise of parenting children, at least not directly. It is a time when we are all as children of God remembering Him and cherishing his gracious gifts to us both in creation and redemption. Good family worship is simple, brief and God centered. It will include four brief movements, using discretion as to how long and how former/informal

1) Praise: singing of a Christian song/hymn or two (preferably one that will transcend age), C.f. CPC worship repertoire in Song Book and Hymnal 2) Confession (one to another or privately) and promise of forgiveness from scripture (specific sins as related to original sin (rejection of God as sufficient as our faithful Creator and Savior). Consider the whole family memorizing an absolution text for each day and can recite together… c.f.Eph 1:7-8, 2:4ff, Rom 3:23, Rom. 5:8, 5:20, 1Jn 1:8-9, etc.

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3) Scripture: Reading of a passage of scripture with minimal comment/discussion, enough to get the gist of what we are to remember about God and our salvation (remembering is as important as learning) 4) Intercession and Benediction: (Note: Benediction/Blessing not the same as a Commission/Exhortation) (c.f. Heb.13:20-21, 2Cor.13:14, 2 Thess 3:16, 1 Pet.5:10-11, Jude 23-25, Num.6:24-26, Eph. 3:16ff, Rom 15:13, etc)

Parents typically underestimate the power of corporate Sunday worship for young children. We should keep in mind that children learn as much by mimicking as in understanding, by participating in the movements of worship as participating in the teaching/singing of worship, etc. That being said, parents are encouraged to gradually introduce the child to corporate worship in various stages—always keeping watch of your own soul and its being nourished, for as it is important for the parent to first receive the oxygen in from a oxygen mask on a plane in order to care for the child, so too more than anything relative to covenantal parenting—a healthy gospel experiencing parent is, but in being healthy, going to have a healthy gospel influence.

c.f. Together in God’s Presence: Children and Families Together in Corporate Worship, by Preston Graham Jr.  

The Importance of Teaching

Catechism Teaching:Catechism are simple question/answer summaries of what the Bible principally teaches according to the consensus of the church over the ages. We use the Westminster Shorter Catechism, specially written to instruct children in the faith, albeit in the 17th century. Notwithstanding some difficult and/or outdated language, we feel that it is important that our children grow up to not only learn the teachings of the Christian faith, but do this with the confidence that comes from sharing in the same faith, even with the same language, that has was shared in by the greater Christian family over a history of a 2000 years even. Words like “justification” and “effectual calling,” while words not often heard today, are words non the less that served to anchor the hopes and convictions of our spiritual mothers and fathers, even as to know them allow us to participate in a living conversation with them.

It’s true, a young child may not understand the concepts completely, or hardly at all in some cases. But don’t be mistaken into thinking that nothing is happening. By catechism instruction the church/parent is placing important categories into the child’s memory, categories (or files of facts) that will become the basis of distinguishing and understanding things taught in sermons, Sunday School instruction, and the various “waves” of catechism review and instruction that will be repeated throughout our curriculum (see below for 3 distinct “waves” or stages of catechism

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instruction that are roughly patterned after the classical categories of “Grammar, dialectic and rhetorical” stages of learning-- wherein each stage is vital to the others).

The best way to teach catechism is to break the language up into short phrases, and take time to teach each phrase in succession to the other. Typically, no more than one catechism question can be learned per week, and then as more and more are learned, a careful review of previous catechism will require perhaps more weeks per catechism. The parent is encourage to begin each new catechism by a reading of scripture (these are also provided in the Westminster Catechism, but of course other pertinent scriptures can be read as well—the important thing is to keep it to 1 or 2 short passages, less we overwhelm.) Again, the parent is encouraged to KEEP IT SIMPLE! There will be other contexts for the truths to understood more deeply and personally. Also be encourage that “memorization” is much easier for young children than parents given that they are not yet print oriented in their learning. That being said, catechized children will find it easier and easier to memorize as the process continues. You may also want to reward children for their diligence with a special outing or treat with the family upon completion of a certain number of catechisms. We should learn to celebrate their work and accomplishments!

A Suggested Age-Specific Program of Catechism Instruction: At Home:

The First Catechism: Starting with around 2-2.5 years of age. They are very simple and good for getting your child started. However, You will not be able to finish all 145 of these questions before starting the more traditional Westminster Questions. You will want to reduce them to no more than around 52—a recommendation as to which ones is here attached as to include the more fundamental teachings of a confessional theology, albeit at a very “level” in preparation for the Westminster Shorter Catechisms.

(Another resource for scripture is Susan Hunt’s ABC Bible Verses, presently being used during the “Young Mom’s Bible Study”every Tuesday at church)

The Westminster Shorter Catechism: Begin around 4-5 year old, which is when they also begin to attend the Children’s Assembly for brief Catechism review and instruction. (see below) The Pastor recommends that each covenant child memorize questions 1-42, 84-88, 94, 96, and 98. It is recommended that the student become familiar with all the other, perhaps reading them with parents followed by a brief explanation.

Warning! Throughout the catechism process, DON’T FORGET THE GOSPEL!

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Bible Teaching: c.f. Church Sunday School (c.f, Curriculum Guide)

The Importance of Training : Eph. 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Discipline = “Training”

Psa. 103:17 But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children’s children, 18 to those who keep his covenant and remember to do his commandments. Prov. 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. 1John 3:10 By this it is evident who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil: whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is the one who does not love his brother.

Parenting that Disciplines (Trains) The Heart:

The Covenantal Pattern repeated over and over and over and over again every day every week every year all life!

o From Confession to… Faith- Christ centered confidence Hope- Christ promised absolution Love- security/freedom from fear of condemnation/rejection

The pattern of the gospel needs to be infused in every situation.. we never take it for granted that our children know and experience, that Christ is the good news that changes everything!

Perhaps the most neglected aspect of modern parenting in need of critique!

The Fear of Failure! Note 5 Reasons for the importance of failure!

1. Failure, when handled correctly, encourages our children to take healthy risks.2. Failure provides an opportunity for kids to develop perseverance.3. Failure helps children learn to deal with self-disappointment.4. Failure can draw our children closer to Christ.

 2 Corinthians 12:9, God said to Paul, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” Recognizing this enabled Paul to value his weaknesses. In the same verse, he said, “So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”

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The problem, said WoodBrooks, who has been studying the impact of millennials on education, is that they rely so much on their parents' guidance that they are maturing less rapidly.

AJC, Millienial Generation

Parenting that seeks to “discipline” (train) by the social context. We would suggest that parents concentrate less on the technique of good parenting and more on the process of being a parent. Good parenting is a matter of interacting with our children day in and day out within a family system. It is these day-to-day experiences which build our relationship with them . The best advice we can give to parents is to throw away their how-to-parent books and simply become real persons to their children.

Jack & Judith Balswick

I.e. In contrast to individualism—we understand that people are by nature social and that we are in large measure shaped by our social environment (the family being the first and most important of social environment). Family Systems prospective is a holistic approach to looking at things—which understands each part of family life in terms of the family as a whole. A “systems perspective”—considers family issues as composed of interrelated individual parts…

The Significance of Manners:We would suggest that parents concentrate less on the technique of good parenting and more on the process of being a parent. Good parenting is a matter of interacting with our children day in and day out within a family system. It is these day-to-day experiences which build our relationship with them . The best advice we can give to parents is to throw away their how-to-parent books and simply become real persons to their children.

Jack & Judith Balswick

The Significance of Manners:

“an atmosphere, a discipline, and a life”                                   Susan Schaeffer Macaulay

“A Manner” = a habit of behavior fit a gospel virtue vs. vice

Note: Not just “right and wrong” actions, but “Manners” that reflect habits consistent with gospel centered faith

So what are the Gospel beliefs and practices that correspond to them? How do we train them our children in them in the manners we

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train? 1. Gospel Virtue: Grace

a. Training in forgiveness (forgiving each other, (Col 3)b. Training in tolerance (bearing with one another (Col 3)

2. Gospel Virtue: Respect/Love for Others: Manners:

a. Politeness (excuse me, thank you, please, etc, vs. huhhh, whaaat, etc. b. Patience so as not to interrupt, breaking in line, rushing to get food first, etc. c. selfishly demanding attention rather than politely waiting if a person is busy talking to someone else, etc. d. Courtesy (when bumping into something, excuse me… etc. ) I.e. rude is the same thing as self-centerede. Respecting the cultural mores of other cultures than our own. (this can apply to eating customs, greeting customs, etc) f. Sharing… g. Table manners that respect others and their customs

2. Gospel Virtue: Thankfulness/Stewardship as an expression of our trust in the sufficiency of God’s providence

Manners: a) Taking care of/respect our possessions ( toys, cleaning a room, taking care of family furniture, etc. b) General Respect for self -- Hygiene and general cleanliness (Yes, all boys will be boys... but we ought still require such things as cleanliness where it counts...)

4. Gospel Virtue: Industry: (culture mandate) i. Work before playii. Chores fit age/developmentiii. Etc.

Etc.

Note: We shouldn’t confuse “cute” with “immoral” – the point here is not to promote “moralism” but to recognize that the gospel is both a worldview and habit… as to reinforce or not one another.

Parenting that Disciplines (Trains) Behavior: Less a technique more child appropriate systems where disciplines become conditioned habits

Prov. 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

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Eph. 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Prov. 22:15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.

3 Stages in Behavior Training/Discipline: o Positive Reinforcement—attention, encouragement/praise, even

“rewards” that fit behavior.. etc. (Insuring that good behavior “works”)

o Negative Reinforcement (the most neglected I think) – dis-attention, rebuke, negative consequences that fit the negative behavior… (Can’t let negative behavior “work”)

Don't respond to blackmail at any cost! Leach p.124

o Punishment- proactive (making a strong statement of the danger of bad behavior)

Prov. 22:15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.

Prov. 23:14 If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.

Is corporeal punishment an option? A developmental issue A situational issue A child-specific issue A “manner of” issue

The Covenantal Danger of Spoiling a Child: (which is the “works” of idolatry on the part of parents)

Spoiling a child is as much a provoker of anger/exasperation to children causing them to act out as harsh/overly restrictive parenting. R.C. Ryle

Prov. 20:21 An inheritance gained hastily in the beginning will not be blessed in the end.

Ie.. there something that parents can do thinking they bless their children with the effect of really cursing them

Reasons why it is not a blessing to be spoiled:

1. Misplaced confidence-- Pss. 49:6 Those who trust in their wealth And boast in the multitude of their riches, are cursed of God, not blessed compared to... Pss. 9:10 And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.

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2. Misplaced Home (security/identity)Dt. 8:7-20vs. 14-- beware... lest when you heart is lifted up and you forget the Lord your God... vs. 19. Then it shall be if you by any means forget the Lord your God, and follow other gods, and serve them and worship them, I testify against you this day that you shall surely die...

Parents, I beseech you, for your children's sake, beware of over indulgence. I call on you to remember it is your first duty to consult their real interests, and not their fancies and likings-- to train them, not to humor them; to profit , not merely to please. ... Do not, I pray you, make your children idols, lest God should take them away, and break your idol, just to convince you of your folly.

J.C. Ryle

The importance of Family Relations: An Organic or “Systems” Way of Understanding Covenantal Parenting

The gospel is as much “caught” as “taught.” There is a culture to the gospel that makes it safe to be morally flawed without digressing to moral licentiousness, where forgiveness and grace is the norm rather than the exception. To be sure, “law” and “grace” are not only compatible, but necessary components of the gospel wherein true confession and faith are nurtured. The culture of the Gospel will show itself when we “speak the truth” to one another about the gospel in love—which is to be one another’s greatest human advocate for grace. (Notice that I have interpreted the famous Ephesians 4:15 passage in its greater context as to NOT mean “be each others worse critique.”) The culture of the gospel will both cherish family “rules” in order to protect a family identity and patterns of family interaction, but without a rigid and/or legalistic practice of these rules. The culture of the gospel relative to parenting covenant children will assume in them Christ’s Spirit by baptism, albeit awaiting and nurturing them to discern a personal and self-aware faith as an emerging adult.

Conclusion: The Fears of Parenting

What do you fear most as a Parent?

Sadly—we often forget what are children are and are not… They are not mere animals on top of the Darwinian food chain

as it where… They are individual imago dei’s—in the mystery of their union

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with God at creation—they are given a promise and a purpose—both of which we as parents and church are called to nurture (raise them up with to embrace)

Your Children, but right of birth into the covenant family, are the recipients of a covenant decree (promise)! Gen. 17…. Acts 2 reiterated

Likewise, your children, but right of birth into the covenant family, are the crecipients of a covenant presence—Psm 139

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