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Crombez, Mary Margaret, Ed.; Mangigian, Lisa, Ed.Offspring, 1999.Michigan Council of Cooperative Nursery Schools, Dexter.ISSN-0472-63401999-00-0058p.; For 1998 issues, see ED 427 878. Published twice ayear. Photographs may not reproduce well.MCCN/Offspring, 8085 Huron River Drive, Dexter, MI 48130(1-year subscription, $6; 2-year subscription, $10).Collected Works Serials (022)Offspring; v41 n1-2 Spr-Fall 1999MF01/PC03 Plus Postage.Child Rearing; Conflict Resolution; Moral Development;Parent Child Relationship; Parent School Relationship;Parent Teacher Cooperation; *Parents as Teachers;Periodicals; *Preschool Children; *Preschool Education;Preschool Teachers; Student Centered CurriculumCharacter Development; Character Education; *CooperativePreschools; Massages; Peace Education; Project Approach(Katz and Chard); Television Content Ratings

This document consists of the two 1999 issues of a magazinefor parents, teachers, and others involved in cooperative nursery schools.The magazine is designed to provide a forum for views on dealing with youngchildren, express a variety of ideas, promote the cooperative philosophy, andenhance the relationships of those involved in cooperative nursery schools.The Spring 1999 issue contains the following articles: (1) "Parents DoMatter! An Interview with Dr. Nicholas Abraham" (Lisa Mangigian); (2)

"Adventures in Living" (Kate Cole); (3) "'What Do You Do?' Career Parentingin the 90s" (David Bard); (4) "Building Moral Foundations: CharacterEducation for Children" (Karen L. Pace); (5) "Making Peace with Your Mother"(Lynn Sipher); and (6) "Understanding the TV Rating System" (Mary MargaretCrombez). The Fall 1999 issue contains the following articles: (1) "Is It MyTurn to Work?" (Carole M. Grates); (2) "Pass the Peace, Please: TeachingYoung Children To Live Peacefully" (Holly E. Brophy-Herb); (3) "Massage forChildren: More than Just a Hug!" (Mary Margaret Crombez); (4) "Child DirectedLearning: The Project Approach" (Mary Trepanier-Street, Lori Gregory, andJennifer Bauer); (5) "Rewards of Co-oping: What's in It for You and YourFamily" (Laura N. Sweet); (6) "Helping Hints for Nursery Parents" (MarjorieKunz); and (7) "One Step Ahead: The First Years Last Forever."(KB)

Reproductions supplied by EDRS are the best that can be madefrom the original document.

Offspring, 1999No. 1 Spring 1999No. 2 Fall 1999

Michigan Council of Cooperative Nursery Schools

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A Publication of theMichigan Council of Cooperative Nursery Schools

Spring, 1999 No. 1

Editorial BoardJohn Bernardo, M.A.

Sally L. Fee, M.A.Carole Grates

Dan Hodgins, M.A.Donna Howe, M.A.

Marjorie M. Kunz, M.A.Ginny McCaig, M.A.

Jacquelyn Thompson, Ph.D.Susan Wainwright, M.D.

Cynthia Dopp

Marilynn Rosenthal, Ph.D.Karen Ensminger

Editorial StaffMary Margaret Crombez, M.Ed.

Becky Clarke Foster, M.A.Amy Hockey

Lisa Mangigian

Detroit Public Schools Psychologist and PsychotherapistBirmingham Public Schools Elementary School TeacherChild Day Care Licensing ConsultantEarly Childhood Coordinator, Mott Community CollegeMichigan State UniversityMCCN AdvisorUniversity of Michigan-DearbornEarly Childhood Consultant, Michigan Department of EducationChild and Adolescent Psychiatrist

President, MCCN

Founding EditorEditorial Advisor

EditorCoordinatorLayout CoordinatorEditor

Offspring is written for parents, teachers and others:To provide a forum for views on dealing with young children;To express a variety of ideas;To promote the co-op philosophy;To enhance our relationships with children and each other.

Copyright © 1999 by the Michigan Council of Cooperative Nursery Schools. All rights reserved.ISSN: 0472-6340

Michigan Council of Cooperative Nursery Schoolsis a member of Parent Cooperative Preschools International.

Offspring Magazine is published twice yearly. Articles reflect opinions of the authors and notnecessarily the editorial board and staff. Manuscripts are accepted for consideration. Subscription

of this magazine is through membership in the Michigan Council of Cooperative NurserySchools or through individual subscriptions. For subscription information, see inside back cover.

MCCN does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national or ethnic origin.

Offspring Table of ContentsParents Do Matter!

An Interview with Dr. Nicholas Abraham 2 Lisa Mangigian

Adventures in Living 6 Kate Cole

"What Do You Do?"Career Parenting in the 90s 10 David Bard

Building Moral Foundations:Character Education for Children

Making Peace with Your Mother

Understanding the TV Rating System

14 Karen L. Pace M.A.

20 Lynn Sipher, ACM

26 Mary Margaret Crombez, M.Ed.

Vol.XXXXI, No.1

By

Dr. Nicholas Abraham, long time educator and familytherapist, will keynote during MCCN's 48th Annual Con-

ference in East Lansing, MI, April 30 and May 1, 1999. Dr.Abraham brings with him his nationally

known program, Parent Smart.

About the Author

Lisa Mangigian is an Offspring editor and graduate studentstudying counseling. After participating in co-op with her two

oldest children, she is enjoying her last year atDexter Cooperative Nursery School.

Lisa Mangigian 6 2

Offspring: You recentlystarted a company called TheSmart Source. In addition tooffering Parent and YouthSmart courses you also offerManager Smart. What connec-tion do you see betweenparenting and management?

Abraham: I see greatconnections between the twofunctions. The Parent Smartperspective sees parenting asa management exercise aswell as a loving exercise.

Offspring: When did youfirst understand the conceptof parent management?

Abraham: As one of eightchildren, I saw the value ofparent management first-hand. My mother was my firstteacher. She managed ahousehold of 10 and was afine example of a CEO. Attimes she was a lovingnurturer while at other timesshe was the bottom linedecision-maker.

3

As one of eight children, Isaw the value of parentmanagement firsthand.

Offspring: Tell me moreabout your ParentSmart pro-gram.

Abraham: Consistencyand uniformity are essential.Parent Smart is a systematicapproach to parenting. Wehelp families develop a senseof procedures to establish afamily culture. This, of course,is not a new concept. How-ever, this differs from the fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pantsparenting I see too often.Many parents are not consis-tent with their discipline. Youcannot manage anythingbased on mood, which is pre-cisely how many of us run ourhouseholds. Instead, we teachparents to use a managerialsystem that is fair, and impar-tial, yet based on the needs ofthe child. Developmentallyappropriate expectations for

7

children with any type ofdisability are also important.The key is to follow a systemthat separates us from ourdevotion. When a kid misbe-haves, parents eventuallyexplode, and we say and dothings that we don't mean. Weneed to develop a system apartfrom our emotions.

Offspring: Dr. Abraham,that sounds easier than it is.

Abraham: It may not beeasy to implement theParent Smart system, but it isprobably a lot more effectivethan what most parents aredoing. I stress using calmtimes for big discussions.Have family meetings andhandle discipline concernswhen you are not in the heatof the moment. Kids are not

always going to obey. Test thismethod and if it has an 80%rate of effectiveness then givethis a shot. I believe that eachday we can start over, so theParent Smart system is like adaily chart, and at the end ofthe day we can rip it up andstart over. When yesterday'sover, it's over.

Offspring: What, in youropinion, is the greatest chal-lenge of parenting?

Abraham: The most diffi-cult part of being a loving adultis that we want our children(or students) to love us. Weneed to be able to say "Youdon't have to love me, but youneed to . . . get dressed, orwake up, or eat breakfast."Parents need to realize theyare not going to have their loveneeds met by children.

Offspring: In your semi-nars you often ask parents toname their own behaviorsthey would like to change.What about dealing with ourchildren's misbehavior?

Abraham: I believe par-ents must look at their ownbehavior before dealing withtheir children's misbehavior. Ifa child doesn't listen, it maybe the parent's problem. Thechild has just been condi-tioned. Look at your ownbehaviors. If you are yellingthen maybe that's why yourchild is yelling back at you. Inmy many years of counseling Ihave realized one key fact: Aself-conversion process isessential. Many clients comewanting to change a loved oneor wanting more satisfactorypersonal relationships. Thefirst step is always to look atyourself honestly and learn to

change from within.Offspring: You clearly

have a passion for parenting.How have you been able todevelop this passion withouthaving children of your own?

Abraham: I have a veryexpansive vision of parenting. Ifeel that I "parent" peoplewhen I encourage them to dotheir best. I actually experi-ence "parenting" when I leadthe Parent Smart seminars.From my perspective, anybodycan help parent a child. Schoolteachers and counselors, busdrivers, store owners, rela-tives, and neighbors can par-ent the children in their lives.I remember talking to my highschool teachers and listeningto their advice when I would

4

Cooperative nursery schoolsprovide the parental supervision

young children need.

have never sought it out frommy parents at the time.

Offspring: What advicedo you have to those parentswho feel powerless?

Abraham: Find out whatyour children care about anduse this knowledge to yourparental advantage. Encouragegood behavior by offering privi-leges. Sometimes simplepleasures such as planning aspecial meal or playing afamily card game are whatchildren value most. I'm cer-tainly not advocating expen-sive gifts.

Offspring: The NurtureAssumption, suggests thatparents have little influenceon their children's lives.Judith Rich Harris, the authorof the book, argues that chil-dren are influenced less bythe nurturing their parentsprovide and more by their peerrelationships and their per-sonality. This nature vs.nurture debate has a longhistory. Can you comment onthe influence of nurturingparenting in a child's life?

Abraham: I think, in someways, she has been an icono-clast, in that peers andschools have tremendouspower. She says parents have

5

no influence, yet she urgesthem to pick the right peersand schools. Parents eithermatter or don't! Parents play asupervisory role and the prob-lem is many kids are unsuper-vised. And, of course, oursociety experiences the nega-tive effects of this lack ofsupervision and nurturing.Now we need to ask at 4 p.m.,"Where are our teens andwhat are they doing?"

Offspring: Parents in-volved in cooperative nurseryschools make a strong commit-ment to their children's earlyeducation. In your profes-sional opinion, does this kindof parental involvement reallymatter in a child's life?

Abraham: Cooperativenursery schools provide theparental supervision youngchildren need. Moreover,parents experience the cama-raderie of working together. Aco-op is a community. It canhelp parents from feelingisolated in their parentingroles. In my seminars one ofthe most significant aspectsfor many parents is the oppor-tunity to share their parentingchallenges with others. In aco-op, parents get a chance tosee other children wail,

a

whine, or wink at them. Theparents build a shared senseof "We're in this together."

Offspring: Any closinginsights?

Abraham: One of myfavorite quotes is "Angels canfly because they take them-selves so lightly." Let's laughsome more, enjoy this day. Itwill never come again.

By.

iilA

I have always enjoyed adventures. Just hearing the wordmakes me think that something exciting will happen soon. My

childhood, growing up on a farm, was filled with simple yetmemorable adventures. My brothers and I used to love to drivewith our Dad to take a load of beans to the big city. The treat

was waking up at 4:30 a.m. and having Dad to ourselves.It was exciting to hear and smell all the big trucks pulling into

the warehouse and watch what was being loaded and un-loaded. It was an adventure an unusual, exciting event

with an element of risk.

About the Author

Kate Cole has taught at Troy co-op for 13 years. She is amember of the faculty at Macomb Community College and isthe President of the Teacher's Association of the Greater De-troit Cooperative Nursery Council. An empty nest would bestrepresent her latest parenting adventure since her youngest

child entered college this past fall.

Kate Cole 61 U

Parenting and teachingrequire a sprit of adventure.And whether you are justbeginning your adventures orhave many tales to tell, thefollowing tools may be helpfulto you.

A FlagAdventures begin with a

goal. Flags are symbols ofindependence and often repre-sent the accomplishment of agoal. Our goal, as parents, isour children's independence,the definition of whichchanges with every year.First, we want our children towalk independently, feedthemselves, talk and be inde-pendent of diapers. We wantthem to dress themselves andwave good-bye to mom and dadwith a smile when they go offto school. Then we want themto learn to read and writeindependently, become prob-

7

r.

Our goal, asparents, is our

children'sindependence,the definition

of whichchanges with

every year.

lem solvers, and make friendsof their own. And whenthey've completed their formaleducation, we want them to befinancially independent.

A Magnifying GlassThe next tool is a magnify

ing glass. A magnifying glasscan help us to remember tofind excitement and joy in thesmallest things. Children areparticularly adept at noticingand appreciating minute de-

-tails. As parents and teacherswe must use our magnifyingglasses tot help enlarge teach-able moments. For example,when you see a child helpanother or accomplish a taskhe couldn't do before, magnifythat moment by letting thechild know that the littlethings can be very big. Ianwas in my young-fives classmany years ago. We met four

mornings a week. Duringsnack the children pouredtheir own juice from a smallpitcher. In late November, Iwrote in my lesson plan book,Ian didn't spill his juice today.He was so proud! In the grandscheme of life, caring forothers and having the tenacityto fail and try again are bigvalues that are acquired whenwe are very small.

A Walking StickWalking sticks are essen-

tial for a good adventure andare a great source of support.When my son was not quitethree, he had his own versionof a walking stick. He took thecymbal from his Fisher Pricemarching band and tied a longstring from it to his waist.Whenever we went up a hillhe threw the cymbal aheadand walked up to it. I suspecthe had a mental image of amountain climber and ithelped keep him on the path.Parents need all the walkingsticks or supports they canget. Family and friends canoffer support. And co-op nurs-eries are a wonderful sourceof family support. Supporthelps keep us on the path toour goals.

FoodFood is a critical ingredi-

ent for any adventure. Itnourishes us forward, towardthe goal. Food representsnurturing. It also representsthe need for us to nurtureourselves. Experts advise thatparents find time for them-selves in their busy schedules.A parent in one of my classeshad three children under theage of five. She took theexpert's advice and decided totake a shower alone. Afterthinking she had finally suc-ceeded she looked at theshower door and saw threenoses pressed against theglass. Nurturing ourselves isnot always a simple task, butfood for the body and food forthe spirit are essential.

A FlashlightFlashlights brighten the

dark so that we can see theimportant things. It's easy toget sidetracked or stumbleover a bump in the road. Us-ing a light can help U.S focuson the things that are rightinstead of what's wrong. Forinstance, one of my studentsbegan the year with a tinyattention span. She was here,there and everywhere. Shewould paint two splashes ofcolor and be off to theplaydough, squish it once andhead over to the dress-uparea. She could do more infive minutes than most peopledo in a day. Admittedly, I wasconcerned, until the day herDad worked in the classroom.He watched his daughter dart

Nurturing ourselves is notalways a simple task, but

food for the body and foodfor the spirit are essential.

12 8

from here to there andlaughed. He explained thathis parents said he deservedsuch an active child becausehe was exactly like that whenhe was three. I got out mylight; in what areas did thischild shine? She was a lov-ing, huggy bear who was thefirst to comfort another child.She would sit on a lap forthree or more books. She hada talent for puzzles and con-centration games in a smallgroup. Did .I need to worry?No. That's the tricky part ofparenting and teaching: find-ing out where children shine.It's easy with some children.Others take some work and abit of luck. One parent in myclassroom was so frustratedwith her little guy that all shecould see was his negative!behavior. I told her to write!down five good things aboutl her son each day and catchhim doing something rightland praise him. She wasskeptical, but was soonamazed by the many good'things about him. Graduallyhis behavior improved be-cause his mom focused on his

9

good qualities. Use your lightto find the good in your chil-dren; it will make their giftsand skills shine.

A Rubber ChickenThis last item is the most

important. You need a rubberchicken. Adventures in liferequire laughter, a lot of it.Laughter relaxes us, joins ustogether and renews us. Ihave an odd saying, and I'mnot quite sure where it camefrom. It first appeared whenmy two children were underfive. It was raining, they werebored so they alternated be-tween being attached to meand harassing each other. I'mnot sure what they were doing

13

but I was so aggravated Ishouted, "If you do not stopthat I will scream like a .

chicken." They looked at mewide eyed and said "Do it! ",so I did. The tension disap-peared. We were happy.When things go wrong, andthey will, if no one is hurtphysically or emotionally, youhave a choice: you can laughor cry.

When we see life as anadventure we see possibili-ties, excitement, and joy inevery day. When we use theproper tools, our adventuresin living have marvelousoutcomes including living lifeto its fullest.

by

The mission of cooperative nursery schools respects andvalues the role of parents in the lives of their children. Manyvariations on family-focused child rearing are redefining the

allocation of responsibilities of family life, including whoworks outside the home, who works at home, and

who volunteers at nursery school once or twice per month.As a result, fathers, grandparents and even nannies are

becoming familiar faces in many nursery school classrooms.As parents strive to meet their family's needs in the best

way possible, schools need to work to create an environmentof support for various family situations. Respecting and

honoring families for their courageous choices to be avail-able and invested in their children's lives is crucial to the

cooperative nursery philosophy.

About the Author

David Bard is an at-home dad. He has two sons aged twoand four. He and his wife value the consistency, love andsupport an at-home parent brings to the family. They proudlycount themselves among the two million American families(according to At-Home Dad magazine) for whom fathering hasbecome a full-time profession.

14David Bard 10

I was just too uncomfortable toutter the words "I stay home

with my kids."

"So, what do you do for aliving?"

This seemingly harmlessquestion strikes fear into thehearts of stay-at-home Dads.The temperature in the roomshoots up and beads of sweatform on our upper lip. If wehear the question amidst acircle of people mingling at aparty we quickly excuse our-selves and run to the nearestrestroom or food table. If weare the first questioned or wecan't make a polite and expe-dient escape we go into ahyperstate of mental aware-ness. Our minds race for away out of answering thequestion directly. We laughnervously. "What do I do?" weask, as if we needed someclarification. Like a rattrapped in a corner we getdefensive. We don't know whatto do next.

At first, the title of myprevious profession leapt from

11

my lips. After all, it was whatI did. I wasn't lying. I wasjust too uncomfortable to utterthe words "I stay home withmy kids." It's curious how weall often bow to societal ste-reotypes paying mere lip ser-vice to our own values. Wesay our kids are the mostimportant things in the worldto us, and.yet many of us justdon't behave that way. More-over, we don't reinforce thesevalues in others when they do.So many things in life are asimple matter of perspectiveand perception. We creategray areas for black and whitesituations because buckingsociety's stereotypes andnorms is too difficult.

Why the anxiety with thequestion "What do you do?"Why the subtle deceit? After Iput my career on the shelf toraise my kids, I soon found outthat this was not what I wassupposed to do. I had walked

13

into a cultural faux pas thesize of Nebraska. Men aren'tsupposed to stay at home,period. I quickly learned thatthere's an unspoken asterisknext to our beliefs that ourchildien come first. And thatnotation, that fine print, says,"after you've done your dutyattaining the AmericanDream." The problem is, thedream is like an oasis, alwaysslightly vague and just out ofreach. Whether we like it ornot, men and women alikestill gauge a man by the pay-check he collects each week.Which means we still valuemonetary accomplishmentabove the family. We neversay this, but we act it outeach day, sometimes subtlyand sometimes overtly, moreoften than not, indirectly witha look or an attitude. Perhapsthe worst effect of all is theinfluence our words have onour children. They don't yet

5 Ways to Identify a Stay-at-Home Dad at a Party

He doesn't get distracted by loud sudden outbursts.

© He doesn't rush to get a towel when someone spills the Cabernet on his or her shirtbecause he knows it's not coming out anyway.

© He may not watch it, but he knows when Jerry Springer comes on every day.He knows the price of a gallon of milk.

© He is sometimes heard quietly and subconsciously humming the Barney song.

understand the social hierar-chies and nuances that con-trol our behavior. So whenthey hear us claim that we dosomething other than raisethem all day they naturallywonder where their placeactually lies in our profes-sional lives. We inadvertentlyteach them that parentingsomehow isn't a "real job." Sonow I proudly proclaim, "I'm anat-home dad."

Unfortunately, my dedica-tion to the value of regular,consistent parenting receivesfairly negative responses frommen and women alike. Thesimilarities in the reactions tomy choice to stay at homehave been striking and the

lack of contact disappointing.It has surprised me that mymale friends have stoppedmaking serious attempts atgetting together. Womensmile and then detach them-selves from me and my chil-dren, not realizing that bydismissing Dads who stay athome they inadvertently com-municate that raising childrenreally doesn't count, perpetu-ating the stereotype that hasplagued women throughouthistory.

Most men are in the darkabout how rewarding raisingchildren can be. Most of usdon't see, or don't want tobelieve, how very replaceablewe are at work. We like to

think we're indispensable, butif we left tomorrow the com-pany would go on just as italways has and just as it willafter you leave. But your kidswill remember your lessonsforever. And don't forget thatthey will be the ones makingdecisions for you in your oldage!

So the next time you askthe question, "What do you dofor a living?" and the guy looksnervous, give him a break. Ifhe says he's a stay at-homeDad, say something positive.After all, he shares yourcommitment to raising chil-dren.

So now 1 proudly proclaim, "I'man at-home dad."

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Resources for DadsCompiled

At-Home Dad(508) 685-7931To subscribe send $15 to:Peter Bay lies61 Brightwood Ave.North Andover, MA 01845E-mail: athomedad@aol.comWeb address: www.athomedad.comOffers at-home dads a subscription to a quarterlynewsletter and a network of other at-home dads.Organizes a conference for at-home dads and sup-plies playgroup information.

DAD-to-DADDadtodad@aol.comContact Curtis CooperA national organization that helps at-home dads formplaygroups.

Families and Work Institutewww.familiesandwork.orgOffers a wealth of information regarding parenting andwork.

The Fatherhood Project/Families and Work Institute(212) 465-2044www.fatherhoodproject.orgAn extension of the Families and Work Institute thatexplores fatherhood and examines the effect of pater-nal presence on families.

Fatherhood USA/SCETVwww.scetv.org/fatherhoodusa

Father-to-Father/FatherNet(612) 626-1212www.Cvfc.umn.edu/FatherNet

Fathers Resource Centerhttp://www.slowlane.com/frcConnects fathers with other like-minded parents.

Full-Time DadsFTDMAG@aol.comwww.Fathermag.comOffers a magazine for fathers.

listserv@daddvshome.comThis is an e-mail list for at-home dads.National Center for Fathering(913) 384-4661

by the editors

www.ncf.orgNational Center on-Fathers and Families(215) 686-3910

www.ncoff.gse.upenn.eduOffers a tremendous database of father and family-related information.

Publications:Lansky, V. (1993). 101 Ways to be a special dad.Chicago: Contemporary Books.

Fathermag.com, the online magazine for men withfamilies.

Full-Time Dads: the magazine for caring fathersFTDMAG@aol.comwww.fathersworld.com/fulltimedad

Publications from the Families and Work Institute:Levine, J. & Pittinsky, T. (1998). Working Fathers:New Strategies for Balancing Work and Family. NewYork: Families and Work Institute.

Levine, J. (1995). New Expectations: CommunityStrategies for Responsible Fatherhood. New York:Families and Work Institute.

Levine, J. (1993). Getting Men Involved: Strategies forEarly Childhood Programs. New York: Families andWork Institute.

(1998) Fatherhood USA A two-part PBS documen-tary exploring fatherhood. The Fatherhood Project atthe Families and Work Institute.

Orders can be placed via the web atwww.fatherhoodproject.org or mail at: Publications,Families and Work Institute, 330 Seventh Ave.14th FloorNew York, New York 10001

Nelson, K. (1998). The Daddy Guide: Real-Life Adviceand Tips from Over 250 Dads and Other Experts. NewYork: Contemporary Books.

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41,

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I

Everyone's talking about issues of character these days. Poli-ticians, educators, business and religious leaders, parents

and others are concerned that children are not being exposedto ethical principles and values critically important to healthymoral development. Many parents, teachers and others who

work with young people describe children's behaviors as beingmore disrespectful, dishonest, apathetic, uncaring, aggressive

and even more violent than children in past generations.A commitment to positive ideals seems rare.

But along with these concerns about children's charac-ter come a myriad of questions about moral development and

character education. Whose job is it to teach children values?What values are appropriate to teach? Is the family the onlyplace where character and values education is appropriate?

At what age is it appropriate to begin teaching children aboutissues of character? What roles do parents, teachers, other

adults and peers play in the development of children's charac-ter? What does moral development and character look like atdifferent stages of a child's development, and what can adultsrealistically expect from children at various ages and stages?

About the Author

Karen Pace M.A., is an associate program leader for Children,Youth and Family Programs of Michigan State UniversityExtension. She holds degrees in communications andfamily studies and has 15 years of experience in cur-

riculum and program development. She conducts work-shops across Michigan for people interested in helping to

improve the ethical quality of children's lives.

Karen L. Pace, MA. 14

16

Children receive their first moralmessages when they are loved, nurturedand cared for properly by their parents

and other significant caregivers.

Moral Developmentis a Process

Children do not grow upin a vacuum. Many factorsinfluence the development ofchildren's character includingfamily relationships, adultand peer role models, expec-tations and education aboutvalues, stages of thinking andreasoning, cultural factors,societal trends, the mediaand more. Most experts be-lieve that moral developmentis a combination of maturity,socialization, education andlife experiences. Cross-cul-tural studies have shown thatchildren progress towardhigher levels of moral think-ing and reasoning as they getolder and have opportunitiesto deepen their understandingof ethical issues. Researchhas also shown that there arecore universal ethical prin-ciples particularly importantto the development of moralthinking and action. Twosuch areas are justice andcaring. An understanding andcommitment to these are at

15

the crux of moral development.Ethical principles and behav-iors that support and givedefinition to these key con-cepts are respect, trustworthi-ness, responsibility, fairness,caring and citizenship. Sev-eral approaches to charactereducation have used theseand similar concepts to de-velop a framework for helpingchildren learn about issues ofcharacter. Additionally, par-ents, teachers and others whowork with children can nur-ture a commitment to ethicalvalues and the development ofpositive character.When does moral develop-ment begin?

When should parentsbegin to teach their childrenabout issues of character? It'snever too early to start! Moraldevelopment begins at birthpossibly before. Childrenreceive their first moral mes-sages when they are loved,nurtured and cared for prop-erly by their parents and othersignificant caregivers. Babiescome into the world neither

19

completely moral nor immoral,good or bad. Contemporaryphilosophical and psychologicalliterature recognizes thathumans come into the worldwith strong egocentric tenden-cies (me focus) as well as apowerful propensity to developempathy (other focus). Theseinborn tendencies look differ-ent at various ages and stagesof development, and they arein constant dynamic interac-tion with the environment andcontexts in which childrengrow up.Developing Trust

Babies and young childrenare not capable of thinkingand behaving in ways thatreflect deep moral awareness.Infants and toddlers are pri-marily "me focused" and theirbehaviors reflect their intenseneeds for the basics of life. Itis very difficult for humans todevelop and learn anything iftheir basic physical needs arenot met first. The journeytoward healthy moral develop-ment begins when babies' andyoung children's nutritional

It's important for parents toremember that experiencesin early childhood provide

the foundation for laterlearning and development.

needs are met, as well astheir needs for warmth, com-fort, and feelings of love,safety and security.

Recent research on braindevelopment shows that criti-cal neurological connectionsare established in infants'brains when they are touched,hugged, cuddled and talked toon a regular basis by lovingadults. These connectionshelp to "hard wire" the brain,allowing babies to form strongattachments that help them todevelop trusting relationshipswith others. These attach-ments and trusting relation-ships between babies andparents (or other caringadults) are critical buildingblocks for cognitive, emotionaland social development. Addi-tionally, these factors contrib-ute to healthy moral develop-ment in children. Researchvery clearly shows that thefirst three years of life provide"windows of opportunity" forthe development of theseimportant brain capacities. Ifcritical brain connections are

not made in these early years,it can be much more difficult(and in some cases impossible)for children to progress tohigher levels of thinking andemotional development. It'simportant for parents to re-member that experiences inearly childhood provide thefoundation for later learningand development.Developing theCapacity to Care

The development of empa-thy, the capacity to under-stand and care about theneeds and feelings of others,is an important building blockof moral development. Someresearchers have observedthat even newborn babies havethe capacity to experienceempathy for others. When onebaby is crying, it is likely thatother babies in the room willstart crying too! But, parentsand caregivers should notexpect babies or toddlers toexhibit genuine empathy andcare for others. They should,however, be aware that adultsare powerful role models. In

20

fact, between one and twoyears of age, babies will spon-taneously imitate nurturingbehaviors they've observed orreceived by cuddling andcomforting a doll or stuffedanimal. Additionally, thelanguage, tone of voice andactions adults' use with chil-dren have profound effects onhow children learn to commu-nicate and express their emo-tions. And being in touch withone's emotions and feelings iscritical to moral development.

Eventually, children (andadults) need to learn to tuneinto moral emotions, such asanger at being treated unfairlyor sadness at being called ahurtful name. In addition,they need to learn strategiesfor dealing with emotions inways that are appropriate andhealthy. The ways adultsdiscuss and deal with theirown feelings and emotions canguide children in this process.By sharing openly with chil-dren what makes the adulthappy, sad or angry, childrencan begin to learn that otherpeople have feelings, and thatone's behaviors can have apositive or negative effect on

16

others. It's not at all appropri-ate to lay blame on children,particularly for things thatthey have no control over (likedivorce, for example). But it isquite appropriate for toddlersand preschoolers to hear that,"Mommy gets tired of pickingup your things. Please helpclean up your toys." By aboutthe age of four, preschoolersare able to begin to under-stand and appreciate thatothers have feelings. Learn-ing to respond appropriately tothe emotions of self and oth-ers is an important part ofmoral development.

Preschoolers are also at astage of development where"good" and "bad" behaviors arebased primarily on the promiseof rewards or the fear of pun-ishment. Children learnthrough the actions of adultauthority figures (parents,teachers) that some behaviorsbring pleasant rewards (e.g.,smiles and positive words) andother behaviors bring negativeconsequences (e.g., scowlsand harsh words). There is aconstant tension betweendoing what is expected (andwill be rewarded) and doing

17

that which may seem over-whelmingly enticing andappealing to the preschooler(but may be punished). Chil-dren in the preschool years(and beyond!) need consistent,regular, gentle reminders ofwhat's expected of them.Learning about Respect

Adults can help youngchildren learn language andbehaviors that will help themcreate respectful relation-ships with people in the fu-ture. One way to do this isthrough the teaching and

modeling of manners. Teach-ing children about mannersand being polite goes beyondold-fashioned notions aboutcharm and etiquette. It'sabout respect. When children(and adults) show courtesyand manners, they also showrespect for other people.Rules of civil behavior areextremely important in thefamily, school, workplace andcommunity. The courtesyshown to others builds a posi-tive web of human relation-ships. These relationships

contribute significantly towarda healthy and positive moralclimate in which to live.Adults show kids that allpeople deserve respect bybeing kind, helpful, patient,and polite to people they comeinto contact with everydayinside and outside of theirfamilies. Young children canbe taught the building blocksof manners such as saying"please" and "thank you." Andwhen children learn to say"I'm sorry" as well as lend ahelping hand to make up forsomething they've done wrong,they learn to be accountablefor their actions and behav-iors. Parents and other adultsneed to use these phrasesroutinely so children begin tounderstand the terms andhow and why they're used.Learning about Fairness

Between the ages of twoand four, play and time withpeers are two extremely im-portant factors in children'smoral development. Socialrelationships with peers pro-vide opportunities for childrento begin to learn about andexperience issues of fairness,equality and reciprocity. Playactivities allow preschoolersthe opportunity to begin tounderstand the importance of

sharing and playing by therules. While these activitiesmay seem trivial, they areessential. Learning to playwith peers and work throughproblems helps build skillsthat are at the heart of moralissues of justice and fairness.Through play, children alsolearn social skills that areneeded for later school suc-cess. Parents and caregiverscan talk with children aboutthe importance of takingturns, sharing, being fair, nothurting others and can helpthem think about how it feelsto be treated fairly and un-fairly by others.Developing MoralResponsibility

Moral development andcharacter building requiresmore than memorizing wordsand being told how to behave.Families, preschools, class-rooms, youth clubs are allplaces where children learnand grow. These places canfoster children's healthydevelopment through thecreation of caring, moralcommunities. A moral com-munity is any group, large orsmall, that embraces coreethical values and uses con-sistent, clear language tocommunicate expectations

about how children and adultsought to treat each other. It'sa place where the rules areclear, fair and firm so thateveryone feels a sense oftrust, order and safety. Amoral community encouragesopen communication anddemocratic problem solvingamong members. A moralcommunity seeks out opportu-nities for members to be en-gaged in moral action, provid-ing a contribution and serviceto the community. A moralcommunity celebrates thediversity of its members andmakes a concerted effort tounderstand and appreciate thesimilarities and differences ofeach person. A moral commu-nity fosters mutual respectand a caring atmosphere.

There are many ways forfamilies to foster moral devel-opment in their children'slives. Cooperative nurseriesare excellent forums forteaching about moral issues.Cooperative nursery philoso-phies acknowledge the signifi-cance of adult modeling andparent involvement in youngchildren's lives.

Outside of school, familiescan learn to turn off the tele-vision! Years of research onthe effects of violent television

18

"The development of good character cannotbe separated from the basic purposes of edu-cation to lead persons out of ignorance andhelplessness so that they have the chance tolead positive, purposeful, productive lives."

programming have confirmedthat violent images in themedia encourage some chil-dren to act more aggressively.Violence, as entertainment,permeates our society. Byhigh school graduation theaverage child has watchedmore than 20,000 hours oftelevision! Parents anddaycare providers would dochildren a great service bylimiting television and care-fully monitoring televisionviewing. Once again, adultsare role models for children.It is advantageous for familiesto value activities other thanwatching television, such asreading and spending timeoutdoors. Children's litera-ture can provide wonderfulopportunities to explore issuesof character. Many stories

J. Silber. (1993). "The Problem of Character Education," BostonUniversity School of Education Newsletter, p. 3.

have themes that focus onissues of friendship, caring,fairness and trust. By turningoff the television parents andchildren can explore moralchallenges by reading anddiscussing books together.

Our children face a num-ber of challenges as they grow.By fostering healthy moralattitudes through our day-to-day interactions, we can posi-tively influence their overalldevelopment. Cooperativeshave historically embraced theideals described herein. Asour society becomes increas-ingly morally challenging,parent cooperative preschoolsoffer parent support and earlychildhood expertise for foster-ing the development of chil-dren with character!

19 23

ResourcesBooks that build character: A

guide to teaching your child moralvalues through stories. WilliamKilpatrick & Gregory &Suzanne M. Wolfe. Simon &Schuster: NY (1994).

ReferencesDue to space limitations

interested readers may obtaina complete copy of the refer-ences for this article by send-ing an e-mail request to theeditor at:Mangigia@online.emich.edu.

You may also request thereference list by mail:Offspring4578 Gregory RoadDexter, MI 48130

40'

Think of one word to describe your relationship with yourmother. Now, fast forward in time and imagine your daughterabout the same age you are now. Imagine she feels about you

the way you currently feel about your mother. If you arecontent with the word you chose and the feelings you imag-ined and believe you have an honest, open relationship and

regular contact with your mother, then you may want to skipto the next article. However, many adult daughters findsomething other than the relationship described above.

About the Author

Lynn Sipher, ACSW, is a family therapist in private practice inAnn Arbor, MI providing services to individuals, couples, fami-lies and groups. She runs an annual group called, "Making

Peace with Your Mother" based on the concepts in this article.As a mother of two adolescent daughters, she values the pro-

cess and outcome of making peace with her mother.

Lynn Sipher, ACSW24

20

In order to improve your relationshipwith your mother., you must first bean emotional adult with your mother.

Many adult daughtersexperience a relationship thatreflects themes of anger,dishonesty and criticism,withholding feelings, andbarriers to open communica-tion. They feel like victims intheir relationship with theirmother: as if they have nochoice for how to respond andcan only hope their mother

From a historical perspective,we can see that mothers have hadit rough. Mothers a generation ortwo ago were given messages toaccommodate, nurture and sacri-fice their needs in order to focuson their children and husbands.Single mothers had the additionalburden of providing financiallyand often survived on very littleincome. Women of color had toconfront racism. Mothers wereobligated to perform endlessdomestic functions without receiv-

21

will change. If these descrip-tions mirror your mother/daughter relationship, you areat risk for creating this pat-tern with your daughter, asshe becomes an adult.

Many of us say, "No, thatwon't happen. I'm so differentthan my mother." Even if youare different and parent differ-ently than your mother, it is

ing recognition or value for workingin this way. If mothers could notaccomplish these almost impossibleemotional, social and domesticdemands, they felt like and werelabeled "bad mothers."

Psychological literature at thetime accused mothers of being cold,distant, overprotective, intrusive anda host of other negative attributes, asa way to explain their children'sproblems. This "mother-blaming"did not contribute to a mother'sability to accept the truth that she

25

important to consciously rec-ognize the patterns you areestablishing now in order toset a precedent for the futureOur children are sponges. Ofcourse, they absorb informa-tion about relationships bywhat they see, but they alsolearn about relationshipsthrough the feelings they pickup yet can't define. Our chil-

was doing the best she could.Mothers had no way to name thetremendous pressures put on them.They often carried the burden andguilt of not being good enough. Ofcourse, this is why many feel thattheir mother let them down. Lookat the unrealistic expectations wehad of them! Although it may bepainful to accept your mother'shuman limitations and imperfec-tions, confronting those realitieswith yourself can ultimately createa better relationship.

dren pick up relational pat-terns, consciously and uncon-sciously, just like we did. Byworking on your relationshipwith your mother now, you setthe stage for an open, honestand close relationship withyour daughter in the future.

In order to improve yourrelationship with your mother,you must first be an emotionaladult with your mother. Ad-dressing difficult issues as anadult, with an adult's emo-tional capacity, can be useful.

Unfortunately, some daugh-ters find themselves fearfuland anxious about trying anadult response with theirmother. The support of hus-bands, partners or closefriends can be valuable. As anemotional adult you should beable to take a stand on impor-tant issues without beingdefensive or combative. Youshould be able to relate, forexample, when your feelingshave been hurt or when youfeel your mother is overstep-

For those daughters whose mothers wereimpaired by alcoholism, mental illness or wereabusive in any way: having a close or connectedrelationship may not be a necessity. Somedaughters choose to confront their mothers withthe difficult and painful reality of their child-hood, while others choose not to relate at all. Itis important to note that without consciousdecision-making a total cut-off in your relation-ship puts you and your daughter at risk forrepeating history. Your daughter may learn thattotally removing oneself from an emotionallyconflicted relationship is how to resolve it. The

ping her bounds. In manycases, daughters becomeemotional adults by address-ing a challenging issue in thisway: "Mom, it bothers mewhen you tell me how to wearmy hair," or "Mom, I know youmean well, but when you giveme advice about what to feedmy kids, I feel inadequate. I

need to figure out this child-rearing for myself." Becomingan emotional adult can also bereflected in more subtle waysas well. For instance, leaving

underlying message of a cut-off is "I can nevercome to a sense of peace in a relationship inwhich I have been hurt or feel angry." Even ifgetting out of the relationship is a way to healfrom it, the work of understanding yourselfand your mother is still important to complete.Letting go of your anger at her and takingresponsibility for your happiness now is whattruly frees you from the emotional power ofthis relationship. A conscious process ofdecision-making provides a positive exampleto your daughter about how to resolve un-healthy relationships.

She is more than a MOTHER; she has ahistory filled with hopes, dreams,disappointments, regrets, and losses.

your house in its normal statebefore your mother comes overfor a visit, or delaying a returnphone call until it is conve-nient for you, or changing thesubject of conversation tosomething more interesting toyou. Becoming your moreauthentic self with yourmother can help to create theemotional adult in you.

Recognizing your motherfor the human being that sheis can also help foster a betterrelationship with her. She ismore than a MOTHER; shehas a history filled with hopes,dreams, disappointments,

23

The following guidelines may help yourmother/ daughter relationship flourish ratherthan flounder!

Guidelines for MothersAdvice is a pitfallNever assumeRescuing doesn't help (victimizes her)Interference is worse than adviceGuilt hurts"Well, in my day..."Faking it undermines the relationship

Guidelines for DaughtersTake her off the pedestalDon't interpret (ask what she means)Don't carry expectationsCreate boundariesGuilt hurts"Oh, Mother..."Faking it undermines the relationshipFirman, J., & Firman, D. (1990). Daughters & Mothers: Healinfthe Relationship. New York: Continuum.

27

Making peace with your mother requirescourage and emotional maturity. It takesstrength to see your mother as a person

and understand her experiences.

regrets, and losses. She, too,has feelings, needs andwants. Although it may bepainful to accept your mother'shuman limitations and imper-fections, confronting thoserealities within yourself canultimately lead to improvingyour relationship. Learn whatyou can about her familyhistory, important events andwho she was when she wasyoung. Find out about herrelationship with your grand-mother, both as a child and asan adult. Think about themessages your mother re-ceived about how to be awoman and a daughter.Daughters can learn so muchabout their own mother-daughter relationship by hear-

ing about the previous genera-tion. By becoming curiousabout our own mothers, we setthe stage for our daughters tosee us as we are. Our daugh-ters will be better able toforgive our mistakes and flawsif we can come to understandthat our mothers did the bestthey could, given their familyhistory, and the social, politi-cal and economic conditions oftheir time. Believing yourmother did the best she could,under the circumstances, willalso help you realize that youare doing the best you canwith your children.

Making peace with yourmother requires courage andemotional maturity. It takesstrength to see your mother as

23

a person and understand herexperiences. It means thatyou can't wait for your motherto change; rather, YOU mustbe different. Being an adultwith your mother means tak-ing risks, trying new behaviorsor saying things you may nothave said before. But thebiggest challenge of all may berealizing that working onrelationships is a lifelongprocess. Little steps eventu-ally lead to change. And whatmay be gained through yourwork on your relationship withyour mother is invaluable: acloser and more intimaterelationship with your owndaughter by the time shebegins pondering her relation-ship with you.

24

Fostering the Mother/Daughter Connection:COMMUNICATION may be the key

These simple communication strategies may help resolve many relation-ship issues between mothers and daughters

Make "I", not "you" statements.

Use responsible, not passive, language.choose" rather than "have to", "won't" rather than "can't"

Express preferences, hopes, desires not "shoulds."

Allow for "ands" instead of "buts."

Create presence: curiosity, caring, understanding of the other.

Listen, deeply and carefully, to the words and to the person behind the words.

Be congruent and tell the truth.

Allow conflict, and remember the deepest values you have.

See the other person always.

Stay connected to your love.

25

Editors' Note: This material was presented at the1998 MCCN Conferenceby Barbara A. Bryan, Sheryl Pulley and Jo Hughes.

Making Peace with Your Mother ResourcesGoodbye Mother, Hello Woman: Reweaving the Daughter Mother Relationship. Boynton,

Marilyn & DelI, Mary.I'm Still Your Mother. Adams, Jane.In Her Image: The Unhealed Daughter's Search for her Mother. Carlson, Kathie.In My Mother's House: A Daughter's Story. Chernin, Kim.Mother Daughter Relationships Later in Life: Negating the Myth. Bromberg, E. M.Mother Daughter Revolution. DeBold, Elizabeth; Malave, Idelisse; Wilson, Marie.Our Mothers' Daughters. Arcana, Judith.

2J

One Step Ahead

41.

Editors' Note: This is the third article in a series designed tokeep parents and educators One Step Ahead regarding

early childhood education, research, andpurposeful parenting.

About the Author

As an at-home mother of three (aged 41/2, 21/2, and 10months) Mary Margaret Crombez uses the knowledge andinformation gleaned in her academic (Master's in Parent andPre-School Education) and professional life (Early ChildhoodEducator) to try to make the most of early years with herfamily. She enjoys her involvement with Livonia NurseryCo-op as well as her role with Offspring magazine.

Mary Margaret Crombez, MEd.30

26

The ratings may exist on their own or becombined to further clarify the content of

the television program.

Have you noticed therating symbols on your televi-sion screen or in the printlistings of TV viewing options?Are you aware of each of theirmeanings? The new televisionrating system went into effectin October of 1997, adding tothe age guidelines institutedin January of 1997. The follow-ing should help you and your

TV-Y

TV-Y-7

TV-G

TV-PG

TV-14

TV-M

V

S

L

D

FV

27

young ones determine thetelevision industry's intendedaudience for any one program.

With this helpful informa-tion, you can then determineas a family what criteria youwill use to decide on the appro-priateness of a particularprogram.

The ratings may exist ontheir own or be combined to

further clarify the content ofthe television program. Forinstance, a cartoon may havebeen produced with a youngaudience in mind warrantinga TV-Y rating. But the addi-tion of the FV rating (i e: TV-Y-FV) may be added to alertfamilies that the content ofthe cartoon includes fantasyviolence segments, such as a

appropriate for children of all ages

appropriate for children aged seven and up

not necessarily designed for children but still generally suitable

designed for general audiences, parental guidance is advised

material unsuitable for children under age 14

mature audiences only

intense violence

intense sexual situations

strong, coarse language

intensely suggestive dialogue

fantasy violence

Encourage your children to makechoices about their television viewing.

piano falling on a small birdwho survives and retaliates insome other similarly violentyet absurd way.

It is important to remem-ber that these ratings areguidelines and that it is up tous as parents to help our chil-dren make appropriate deci-sions based on our own familyvalues, our children's develop-ing personality as well as our

children's level of understand-ing. What is appropriate forone seven year old may not beappropriate for another. Onethree-year-old's fantasy fearsmay be quite different fromanother's. Parents know ourchildren best. Become in-volved in your children's tele-vision viewing. Help yourchildren explore their televi-sion viewing time in the same

way you'd help them explorenew toys or interactions withothers. Encourage your chil-dren to make choices abouttheir television viewing. Bykeeping these ratings and yourown family principles in mind,your family can stay "one stepahead" and make televisionviewing purposeful, educa-tional, and entertaining.

Instead of Watching Television ...Color a picture Play a game Start a family

treeBake cookies Visit a park

Play with a petTell stories Build a house of blocks

Start a journalTake a walk Play dress-up

Take a bubbleCall a friend Make a fort with blankets bath

Look through photoalbums

Take a drive Write a letter

32 28

Individual subscriptions to Offspringare welcome: $6.00 for one year,$10.00 for two years; for subscriptionsoutside the United States, please payin U.S. funds. Bulk rates are availableupon request. Subscription to Off-spring will be processed upon receiptof check or money order.

SUBSCRIBE: send name, address, zipcode, and check made out toM CCN/ Offspring1650 RhondaSt. Joseph, MI 49085

TO SUBMIT MANUSCRIPTS OR PHO-TOGRAPHS, send them to OffspringMagazine, c/o Becky Foster1650 Rhonda, St. Joseph, MI 49085.Include your name, address, zip code,and telephone number. Photographsshould also contain a statement givingOffspring permission to use them fromparents of any identifiable children.

Anahid Telfeyan

ACKNOWLEDGMENTSThe Offspring staff wishes to thank thefollowing people for permission to use theirphotographs:

CoverLinda Rice

Table of ContentsMary Margaret Crombez

Inside Front CoverCindy Lectka

Parents Do Matter!Nicholas AbrahamKathy Snyder

Adventures in LivingLisa MangigianJoseph Wikaryasz

"What Do You Do?"Terri Eisen lord

Building Moral FoundationsLisa Mangigian

Making Peace with Your MotherLisa Mangigian

One Step Ahead...Lynne Horn

Back CoverLori KilianLisa MangigianMary Margaret Crombez

33

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Michigan Council of Cooperative Nursery Schools

Fall, 1999 No. 2

35

OffspringEditorial Board

John Bernardo, M.A.Sally L. Fee, M.A.

Carole Grates, M.A., M.Ed.Dan Hodgins, M.A.Donna Howe, M.A.

Marjorie M. Kunz, M.A.Ginny McCaig, M.A.

Jacquelyn Thompson, Ph.D.Susan Wainwright, M.D.

Sheryl Pulley

Marilynn Rosenthal, Ph.D.Karen Ensminger

Detroit Public Schools, Psychologist and PsychotherapistElementary School Teacher, Birmingham Public SchoolsEarly Childhood ConsultantEarly Childhood Coordinator, Mott Community CollegeMichigan State UniversityMCCN AdvisorMCCN AdvisorEarly Childhood Consultant, Michigan Department of EducationChild and Adolescent PsychiatristPresident, MCCN

Founding EditorEditorial Advisor

Editorial Staff OOOOO OOOOO

Mary Margaret Crombez, M.Ed.She lli Gary

Lisa MangigianTrisha Rayer

EditorGraphic DesignerEditorCoordinator

Offspring is written for parents, teachers and others:To provide a forum for views on dealing with young childrenTo express a variety of ideasTo promote the co-op philosophyTo enhance our relationships with children and each other

Michigan Council of Cooperative Nursery Schools is a member ofParent Cooperative Preschools International

© 1999 by the Michigan Council of Cooperative Nursery Schools. All rights reserved.ISSN: 0472-6340

Offspring Magazine is published twice yearly. Articles reflect opinions of the authors and notnecessarily the editorial board and staff. Manuscripts are accepted for consideration. Subscription

of this magazine is through membership in the Michigan Council of Cooperative NurserySchools or through individual subscriptions. For subscription information, see inside back cover.

MCCN does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national or ethnic origin.

3G

OffspringTable of Contents

Is It My Turn To Work? 2By Carole M. Grates, M.A., M.Ed.

Pass The Peace, Please: Teaching Young Children To Live Peacefully 4By Holly E. Brophy-Herb, Ph.D.

Massage For Children: More Than Just a Hug! 8By Mary Margaret Crombez, M.Ed.

Child Directed Learning: The Project Approach 12By Mary Trepanier-Street, Ed.D., Lori Gregory, Ph.D., and Jennifer Bauer,

Rewards Of Co-oping: What's In It For You and Your Family 16By Laura N. Sweet

Helping Hints For Nursery Parents 19By Marjorie Kunz, M.A.

One Step Ahead 20

vol. xxxxi, 3)72

Offspring Fall 1999 1

ek

ByCarole M.

Grates,M.A., M.Ed.

2

-

S

New "co-op" parents may experiencemany anxieties when they come to workfor the first time. At the April 1998 MCCNConference, parents and teachers sharedtheir thoughts on the challenges on bothsides of the desk the teacher's side aswell as the parent's side. This article iswritten as much to teachers as it is to theparents in their classrooms. The parentconferees were candid with their concernsas well as with their joys and gave manyhelpful suggestions to teachers on makingthe experience a more positive one for all.

ConcernsParents expressed two types of concernsfrom their point of view as a parent, andfrom their point of view as an assistant tothe teacher. The biggest concern was howother parents would react to their child.We reflect so much from our own childthat it is hard to separate our personalityfrom theirs. At the same time, the work-ing parent is preoccupied with comparingher child to the others: Is my child nor-mal? They also feel the frustration ofbeing too busy as an assistant to enjoytheir own child.

About the Author

The second concern: Can I do what theteacher wants? As parents, they won-dered about how to handle the misbehav-ior of their own child. Should they inter-fere or let the teacher handle it?

Suggestions for Teachersfrom ParentsThe parents suggested that teacherswould be more supportive to parents bydoing the following:

Tell parents what to doGive parents permission to playHave written duty chartsDon't assume too much tell the parentwhat to do even if you think she knowsDo an orientation before the school yearstarts and follow it up with a secondorientation after everyone has workedonce or twiceLet parents do their job don't alwaysjump inGive hints on what to do as workingparents in the newsletterInform parents of children who mayneed special handlingGive parents step by step directions tohandle certain behavior problems

Carole M. Grates, M.A., M.Ed., an Editorial Board Member of Offspring and an Early ChildhoodConsultant for Primary Directions, is a former cooperative nursery teacher and the proudgrandmother of two grandsons.

38Offspring Fall 1999

Suggestions for Parentsfrom TeachersTeachers also had input to offer. Theysuggested that parents could be morehelpful if they would step in and helpkeep things under control without beingtold. This would allow the teacher tocomplete whatever activities are going on.Teachers also want parents to be with thechildren. Join the circle time; get into theblock area; join in the housekeeping play.

What May Parents Expect?An effective cooperative teacher shouldplan to have both a pre-conference andexit conference with her working parents.Parents need to arrive at a pre-deter-mined time, before the start of school tohelp set up the day and to get somedirection in the pre-conference. This isthe time for the teacher to explain activi-ties and expectations. Teachers need tobe very clear with the parents on whattheir duties will be.

The exit conference is as important as thepre-conference. This is the time for theparents to ask questions about how theteacher handled certain situations.Parents have an opportunity to receiveencouragement on their work for the dayalso. They can also have a chance todiscuss their own children and anyconcerns they may have.

Expect that your child will misbehave.Your attention is sometimes going to beon other children. At this egocentric stageof development, this is sometimes morethan a preschooler can bear! It is usuallybest to let the teacher handle any behav-ior problems. Children usually respondbetter to her than they will to their par-ents in these situations.

The most important thing any parent canexpect is respect and support from theteacher. These are critical to the successof the working relationship.

What May the TeacherExpect From the Parent?With every right comes a responsibility.Parents have responsibilities to theteacher, also. The cooperative teachershould be able to expect the followingfrom her working parents:

Offspring Fall 1999

That you arrive early to help set upthe day and get directions in the pre-conferenceThat you make arrangements for yourother children or children in yourcarpool on that dayThat you work with the children andnot spend your day gossiping with theother parentsThat you see what has to be done anddo it without being toldThat you will stay long enough after thesession to help clean up and participatein the exit conferenceThat you won't gossip about the otherchildren or familiesThat you will respect her position asteacher

The Best Thing AboutBeing a Helping ParentConference participants reflected on thebest thing about being a "co-op" parent.The major thought was that just beingthere and watching how your own childlearns, grows and develops interest wasthe most important thing. "Co-op" par-ents feel they know what is happening intheir child's school life and where theirchild is developmentally compared withothers of the same age: Seeing how widethis developmental range actually is helpsparents to be more accepting of their ownchild's growth patterns.

Secondly, parents liked learning behaviormanagement techniques from theteacher. They also liked learning whatwas developmentally appropriate for theirchild. They felt reassured as parents bythe positive feedback teachers gave them.

Most importantly, the parents expressedthat this is a special time with theirown children.

39

"The mostimportant thingany parent canexpect isrespect andsupport fromthe teacher.These arecritical tothe success ofthe workingrelationship."

IMINIMMO1111.

a

a

In the face of increasing violence in schools and communities, teaching children to livepeacefully has become an important concern for parents. With the same diligence weteach children to be academically competent, so should we teach them to be sociallycompetent. Parents play a key role in supporting children's social competence. Parent-child relationships, parenting practices and discipline strategies, parental modeling andteaching all contribute to social growth and development. This article outlines parentingstrategies designed to foster children's social competence and to prepare children to livepeacefully in a social world.

411

"...Peace is something that lives, grows,spreads and needs to be looked after."

- Katherine Scholes,from Peace Begins with You

Familiesamilies today are surrounded by violent, images in news reports, movies, and

television shows. In the United States a, violent crime occurs every 17 seconds

(FBI, 1991), and interpersonal violence isthe leading cause of death among youngadults ages 15 to 24 years (FBI, 1991). Inthe face of such shocking statistics, howcan children be raised to live peacefully ina social world? With the same diligencewe teach children to be academically

. competent, so should we teach them to besocially competent.

, About the Author

Social CompetenceIn order to live successfully in a socialworld, children must master a number ofskills including the ability to recognize,interpret and respond to a variety ofsocial situations (Hendrick, 1996) toachieve goals and maintain relationships(Rubin & Rose-Krasnor, 1992). Socialcompetence is the term used to describechildren with such skills (Kostelnik,Stein, Whiren & Soderman, 1998). Gener-ally, socially competent children aredescribed as responsible, independent,friendly, cooperative, goal-directed, and,self-controlled (Baumrind, 1970; 1995).

How can these skills be fostered in chil-dren? While this is a complex question,parents play a key role in helping children

- Holly Brophy-Herb, Ph.D. is an Assistant Professor in the Department of Family andChild Ecology at Michigan State University, and the Program Supervisor of the MSUChild Development Laboratories.

404 Offspring Fall 1999

develop social competence. Parent-childrelationships, parenting practices anddiscipline strategies, parental modelingand teaching all contribute to socialgrowth and development.

Fostering Social CompetenceDevelop warm and loving relationships.The parent-child relationship is the firstand one of the most important relation-ships a child will ever have. This earlyrelationship is called "attachment," and,in many ways, it is the model on whichthe child will pattern future relationships.The roots of the attachment relationshipbegin even before the baby is born, andthe relationship continues to grow in theearly months of life (Ainsworth, 1979).Parents of securely attached infants aresensitive and responsive to infant cues,warm and affectionate (Ainsworth, 1979).In fact, attachment researchers likenparent-infant interactions to a dance inwhich both the parent and the babyrespond to the other's behavioral cues(Ainsworth, 1979). This mutually fulfillingattachment relationship has importantimplications for the child's social develop-ment. For example, attachment research(Matas, Arend & Sroufe, 1978) tells usthat children with secure attachments arebetter problem solvers, more persistent intasks, and less easily frustrated.

Incorporate loving touch in family life.With billions of touch receptors in theskin, it is no wonder that children gatherso much information through their senseof touch. They gather not only informa-tion about their physical world, but alsoinformation about their emotional world.Children need to receive positive andloving touch from their parents. Classicresearch studies (Spitz, 1945) tell us thatwithout basic touch, children suffersevere consequences.

Infants and children respond to positivetouch. For instance, research (Scholz,1992) on the effects of touch have shownthat infants who are massaged initiatemore eye contact with their parents andinteraction behaviors with their parents.When thinking about the mutual natureof the parent-infant relationship, it is easyto see that increased infant engagementwith the parent may boost feelings ofparental confidence and support thegrowth of a loving relationship.

Offspring Fall 1999

Massage and positive touch can be anemotional connection point betweenparents and older children too. Quiettimes for shoulder or foot massages cannot only ease muscle tension but alsoprovide a time for conversation andemotional communication (McClure,1989). When children feel valued andloved, they are more able to express loveand acceptance of others. Parents whohave been massaging children for yearstell me massage time provides wonderfulfamily time. Many times they tell me theirchildren not only request massages butalso lovingly offer to massage theirparents: A positive pay-off both forparents and children!

Engage in positive, inductivediscipline. Parenting characterized bywarmth and affection, clear expectationsabout behavior, and firm but fair conse-quences to behavioral choices is associ-ated with children's positive social behav-iors (Eisenberg, Lennon & Roth, 1983).This is called authoritative discipline(Baumrind, 1978). Punitive discipline, onthe other hand, is associated with lesspositive social behaviors, such as in-creased aggression. When parents helpchildren understand why a behavioris inappropriate and what the conse-quences of that behavior are for thechild and for others, children are exposedto a model of rational problem solvingand concern for others (Eisenberg &

°Mussen, 1989). Such victim centereddiscipline, in which the feelings of thevictim are discussed and the transgressor

"Parentingcharacterizedby warmth andaffection, clearexpectationsabout behavior,and firm butfair conse-quences tobehavioralchoices isassociatedwith children'spositive socialbehaviors."

A I'd 5

"Peace isa state ofbehavior thatflourishesthroughattention andnurturing."

6

takes responsibility for aiding the victim,results in increased positive social behav-iors (Hoffman, 1975). Providing thesekinds of logical consequences, in whichthere is a rational connection betweenthe behavioral act and the consequence,helps children realize that their behaviorsimpact others. Therefore, if one siblinghits another with a block, a logical conse-quence would be to have the aggressorhold an ice pack to the injured sibling'swound. This particular strategy is moreeffective in fostering children's thinkingabout their behaviors than techniquessuch as "time out."

Discuss and model peaceful living.When parents not only discuss with theirchildren the importance of values such asgentleness, concern and a respect forothers but also model these values intheir daily lives, children more easilycome to recognize these values and adoptthem as their own. Classic studies ofhighly altruistic adults, such as individu-als who risked their lives to aid Jewishcitizens in Europe during World War II(London, 1970), revealed the importanceof strong parental models of altruism,coupled with authoritarian discipline, andhigh expectations for children. Here wesee that merely discussing the importanceof values such as kindness is not enoughto ensure that children adopt thesevalues. From early on, children shouldobserve and participate in their parents'modeling of social values.

Encourage kindness and responsibility.Parental modeling of values such askindness and a sense of responsibilitytakes place both within the home andoutside of the home. Children can beencouraged to act kindly when kindnessis recognized and valued while aggressiveacts are discouraged. Helping siblings toexpress their feelings in appropriate waysand problem solve takes time but is wellworth the efforts as children eventuallydevelop the skills to solve problemspeacesfully. Verbally recognizing kindacts also builds children's attention toand appreciation for other's needs(Honig & Wittmer, 1991; Kostelnik, Stein,Whiren, & Soderman, 1998). Observa-tional statements such as "You noticedJai was having trouble with his shoelaces. It was really kind of you to helphim tie them," build self esteem andpositive social behaviors.

Children should also be encouraged toshare a sense of responsibility as valuablemembers of their families and communi-ties. At home, taking on responsibility forage-appropriate chores is associatedwith building a sense of social responsi-bility, altruism and nurturance towardothers (Baumrind, 1971, 1988). Similarly,activities such as helping to care for ayounger sibling (Whiting and Whiting,1975) or teaching a skill to a youngersibling (Staub, 1979) encourage children'spositive social behaviors. In the commu-nity, children should participate withtheir families in volunteer events such ascommunity clean-ups or serving others atrescue shelters.

Value cooperation over competition.Consider common childhood games. Howmany have a clear "winner" and a clear"loser"? When children play competitivegames, someone is frequently left withfeelings of failure and rejection. Coopera-tive games, on the other hand, buildsocial skills and foster a sense of team-work, elements important to life-longsuccessful professional and personalpartnerships. Think about how muchmore pleasant and meaningful the gameof musical chairs is when the rules arerestructured so that as chairs are re-moved, children stay in the game andfind a lap to sit on. Children joyfullyproblem solve as they figure out how tomake sure everyone has a place to sit!A little imagination can be used to revisetraditional childhood games or make upnew ones. Many excellent resources forpeaceful activities can also be found byeducators such as Smith (1993).

Help children recognize feelings.A crucial skill related to the developmentof social competence is recognizing one'sown feelings and knowing how to handlethose feelings. Young children must learnto deal with very powerful emotions suchas anger, grief, jealousy, joy and excite-ment. Children often respond to extremeemotions with aggression. This is normal,and children need the support of a lovingparent to learn to identify their emotionsand express their feelings in appropriateways. As children learn to regulate theiremotions, they become more able torespond appropriately to a variety ofsocial situations.

4.Offspring Fall 1999

Learning how to recognize the emotions ofothers is a related skill. With experienceand teaching, children learn how todecode facial and vocal cues to ascertainthe emotional state of the other person.Socially competent children learn how touse this information to guide their ownbehaviors (Hendrick,1996). Parents canhelp children recognize their own emo-tions and the feelings of others by having"emotional conversations" (Greenspan,1995) in which feeling words are intro-duced into the conversation. Helpingchildren learn to verbalize feelings bymaking reflective comments, such as"You're angry because Juan took yourtoy," is important to children's skilldevelopment (Honig & Wittmer, 1991;Kostelnik, et al., 1998). Pointing out facialand vocal cues, such as "He's crying. I

think he feels sad," also helps childrendevelop good observation skills (Shure,1992). Socially competent children tend tobe good observers of self and others.

Help children think through their actions.Consider the following familiar scenario:Samantha is building a tower of blocks inthe family room. Jake runs into the roomand crashes into the tower, sendingblocks flying. Samantha screams, "Stop!Look what you did!" as she picks up ablock, prepared to throw it at her brother.

In the heat of the moment, Samantha'sfirst reaction may be to throw the block atJake. Samantha's parent can use thissituation as a time to help Samanthareflect on her plans. Helping childrenthink about alternative actions candecrease their aggressive acts and in-crease their social skills (Shure &Spivack, 1978). After commenting onSamantha's emotional state, the parentgently prompts Samantha to think of anaction other than throwing the block.Such strategies are part of Shure's andSpivack's I Can Problem Solve (ICPS)program. Through guided dialogue, theadult helps the child think about allpossible reactions to a situation andconsider the consequences of each behav-ioral choice. The goal, of course, is for thechild to eventually develop the skills torespond to any given situation afterthinking about the situation rather thanreact in emotion.

Offspring Fall 1999

Help children relax. Families today arebusier than ever. Children, just likeadults, need time to unwind. Strategiessuch as deep breathing, creative visual-ization, body stretches, massages orengaging in "quiet time" activities helprelease physical, mental and emotionaltension. When children feel relaxed, theymay be less easily frustrated. Parentsoften realize that children respond in veryevident ways to holidays and other spe-cial events. At these times, children maybe more aggressive and more easilyfrustrated. Yet, children also respond invery similar ways at other times in theyear. Weeks packed with activities,classes and so on can contribute tochildren's stress levels. Parents who arekeen observers will recognize whenchildren need some relaxation time. Moreimportantly, over time, children will learnto recognize their own need for relaxationfor themselves.

ConclusionsParents are children's first and mostimportant teachers. Children learn lifelessons each day from their parents byobserving them in daily activities, talkingwith their parents, and emulating theirparents. Just as Scholes stated, peace isa state of behavior that flourishesthrough attention and nurturing. Byimplementing parenting strategies de-signed to boost social development,parents can be instrumental in helpingchildren develop the skills necessary toachieve social competence and livepeacefully in a complex world.

For a list of references, please contact the Offspringcoordinator at nrayer@ameritech.net.

"When parentsnot onlydiscuss withtheir childrenthe importanceof values suchas gentleness,concern and arespect forothers but alsomodel thesevalues in theirdaily lives,children moreeasily come torecognize thesevalues andadopt themas their own."

--6,3

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ByMary

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AAll parents recognize the influence touchhas on their young children. Cryingbabies are readily soothed when cradledin their mother's or father's arms.Toddlers find respite and relief on theirparent's lap after a busy play period.Preschoolers seek a fond embrace as theyseparate from mom or dad before nursery'school begins and then again as theyreunite after their exciting day. In each ofthese cases, parents know, both intu-itively and intellectually, that their touchsupports the development of a strong andmeaningful bond with their child. Thetouch of a parent offers a security akin tonothing else. This kind of meaningfultouch interaction influences a child forhis or her entire lifetime. But touch canbe much more than just a hug. We nowknow that touch provides far more thanthe obvious benefits of contact comfort.Research has substantiated that touchand massage can be integral to a child's

r About the Author

Massage for children was a topicpresented at MCCN's AnnualConference in 1998 & 1999.You may be surprised how muchyour touch can do for your child aswell as yourself.

overall development cognitively, physi-cally, emotionally, and socially. Field &Kilmer et al (1997) found that massagedpreschool children fall asleep quicker,have more restful nap periods, exhibitdecreased activity levels and demonstratebetter behavior ratings than their peers.So the next time you and your child hug,add a little rub. You'll be amazed by theoutcomes of meaningful touch.

Touch and CognitiveDevelopmentRemember the first time you felt yourbaby move inside of you? Your firstawareness of your baby's movementsoccurred long after your baby experiencedits first tactile sensations. Touch is thefirst sense to develop in the growing fetus.Although the other senses developin-utero and are available for use at birth,the sense of touch is the most functionaland finely tuned. This advanced develop-

Mary Margaret Crombez, M.Ed., a co-op mom and Offspring editor has also been a CertifiedInfant Massage Instructor since 1990 and was recently honored as Instructor of the Year (1998)by the International Association of Infant Massage US Chapter.

44Offspring Fall 1999

ment continues throughout the earlyyears. It's no wonder that young childrenlearn most about the world and organizethe world through their touch experi-ences. We've all watched our youngchildren learn something new at nurseryschool. Certainly, they use their sense ofvision and hearing to orient to the newactivity. But then the real discoverycomes when they touch the objects, pat,press and rub them, explore them inevery physical way possible. It is plainlyclear that the impact of touch on earlylearning is paramount. In fact, thisimpact is so critical that Piaget (one of themost prominent early childhood learningtheorists) labeled the first stage of achild's mental development thesensori-motor period. The words them-selves signify the use of the senses (theforemost of which is touch) and move-ment. Children are pre-programmed tolearn best through touch and movement.Researchers have discovered that prema-ture infants who have been massagedperform better on tests of mental abilitythan infants who have not beenmassaged. Their advantage on these testshave continued through eight months ofage (Field, 1986). Massage also promotesenhanced neurological functioning whichin turn fosters improved brain-bodycommunication (Epstein, 1981; Pearce,1977; Reinis, 1980; Rice, 1977; Rorke,1969). This evidence suggests thatmassaged children may actually processlearning easier than children who havenot been massaged. So massage forchildren is not only more than just a hugbut an opportunity to enhance earlylearning.

Touch and PhysicalDevelopmentIn just about one year's time, babiesprogress from near helplessness to anastonishing physical independence.During the preschool years, a child'sphysical development becomes morerefined and proficient. Preschool agedchildren are extremely mobile. They movetheir own bodies as well as everythingthey contact. Nursery school classroomsare designed for this motility. The activi-ties are developed so that the childrencan move, turn, twist, wiggle, bounce,and actively manipulate not only their

Offspring Fall 1999

own bodies but the objects and materialsthroughout the classroom. Researchershave established that children learn bestthrough movement. Studies haVe shownthat children who have been massagedperform better on tests of motor skillsthan children who have not been mas-saged (Field, 1986). In addition, massagestimulates the circulatory system (Brown,1984), increases respiration (Field &Henteleff et al, 1997), and strengthensgastrointestinal function (Scafidi, 1990;Uvnas-Moberg, 1987). Massage is morethan just a hug. It facilitates improvedorgan function, encourages motordevelopment and heightens physicalproficiency.

Touch and Social-EmotionalDevelopmentAs young children grow, their opportuni-ties for relationships with othersmultiplies. Preschool children learn atremendous amount from their socialrelationships with friends, teachers, andothers in their world. But, their relation-ship with their parents will always beparamount. Massage extends the parent/child relationship. It offers parents andyoung children a few moments of mean-ingful sharing. It encourages communica-tion in a respectful and meaningful way.It offers a few quiet moments to recap theday's experiences, discuss tomorrow, orsimply be together. Developing this kindof trusting relationship helps to instillself-esteem, acceptance, and a sense ofbelonging. Massage encourages aconnectedness between parent and child;it increases the parent-child bond. It iscommunication in its most fundamental,purposeful form.

Massage for the Whole FamilyMassage is an ancient parenting practicethat is resurfacing today as a result of itstremendous value to both parent andchild. In fact, for centuries, parentsthroughout the world have massagedtheir children every day. Indeed, mostcultures embrace some form of touchinteraction in their daily caregivingroutine. For instance, Indian children aremassaged daily. Children in Ghanda,Africa are held, stroked or patted almostcontinuously throughout the day. Mostearly childhood educators will note that

"Massage isan ancientparentingpractice thatis resurfacingtoday as aresult of itstremendousvalue to bothparent andchild."

4bi

10

the easiest way to get a young child'sattention is to place one's hand on thechild's shoulder. This simple act of touch-ing helps the child focus and attend farbetter than the use of auditory or visualstimuli.

But the benefits of touch extend beyondthe children in the family. Parents whopractice massage with their childrenbenefit from the experience as well. Theyreport feeling relaxed and less stressedfollowing a massage session with theirchild. These results are based not only onthe parent's perception but also on thereduction of stress hormones in theirbloodstream (Field & Henteleff et al,1997; Schachner, 1997; Field,Hernandez-Reif, & LaGreca et al, 1997;Field, Hernandez-Reif, & Quintino et al1997). Parents feel more connected andunderstanding of their child when theyincorporate massage into their family life.So remember, the next time your childneeds a hug, add a little rub. You'll bothbe glad you did!

Developing a Massage Routinefor Your FamilyMost parents rub and caress their chil-dren every day. In fact, many childrenrequest this kind of contact. How manytimes have you heard, "Mommy, can yourub my back?" Massage simply formalizesthis style of parent/child interaction. Avariety of massage methods and tech-niques exists, but the basic aspects of amassage routine remain the same regard-less of the child's age or stage of develop-ment.

A massage routine should:Occur in a warm, comfortableenvironmentOccur only with the child's permission(this promotes a sense of trust andsecurity while respecting the child'sspace and opinion)Follow the child's cues (what body partsto massage, when to stop)Occur when you can, relax and bepresent and available to your child.

Massage can occur at anytime with littleto no preparation. Pure vegetable or fruitoils may be used. Children can be mas-saged while lying down, sitting on theirparent's lap, or in conjunction with some

other activity they find enjoyable (such asreading a book). Some children appreciatea massage after a busy day at school.Very active children may be more recep-tive to a massage in the bathtub. Amassage before bed may ease a child tosleep. Some children appreciate a quiet,reflective massage while others prefer amuch more interactive approach. Mas-sage can be done with or without cloth-ing. Let children determine which feelsthe best to them, physically as well asemotionally. Respecting these individualdifferences allows your child to havepower over his or her own body. Thisencourages a positive self-image andbuilds the confidence to say "NO".

Massage for Fun and LearningFor many young children, incorporatingstories, music, rhymes and games intothe massage routine enhances the event.Combining massage with language inte-grates the two sides of the brain. It fosterslanguage development by pairing commu-nication with tactile experiences. Thispractice integrates the child's highlydeveloped mode of learning (movementand senses) with the still developing andever expanding area of language. Gener-ally three to five-year-olds are quitereceptive to massage. However, there aresome techniques that may help introducea reluctant preschooler to the concept ofmassage or help your family begin todevelop a massage routine. Suggest a"massage train". Have family members sitin a circle and massage one another'sshoulders or back. After a few minutes,have everyone turn around for a tripback. Try simultaneous massage. Sitfacing your child and have your childchoose which body part to massage. Thenmassage that body part on your childwhile your child massages that body parton you. Correlate massage with yourchild's favorite activities. Ballerinas aswell as hockey players receive massage.Its therapeutic value has influenced itsgrowing presence in athletics as well ashealth maintenance activities. Rememberthat massage is more than just a hug, it'sa gift that lasts a lifetime.

46Offspring Fall 1999

Massage Activites To Do With Your ChildMake massage even more interesting and educational withthe following activities:

Rub shapes on your child's back; see if she can guessthe shape.

Rub letters on your child's arm; see if he can identifythe letter you've drawn simply through touch. If morehelp is needed expand the game by saying words thatbegin with that letter or end with that letter. Try just makingthe sound of the letter as you trace it on your child's arm.

0 Rub the shape of a number on your child's legs, can she guessjust from touch? Expand the game by adding rhythmic, softtaps that correspond with the number.

Sing "This is the way I rub your legs, rub your legs, rub yourlegs" to the tune of "Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush".

0 When giving a back massage, "Daddy's hands go back andforth" works well with the tune "The Wheels on the Bus".

Offspring Fall 1999

Books for FamiliesMcClure, V.S. (1989). Infant Massage: AHandbook for Loving Parents. New $fYork: Bantam.

Heller, S. (1997). The Initial Touch.New York: Hary Holt & Co.

For more information regarding massageinstruction in your area contact:

The International Association

lup.11111

of Infant Massage(800) 248-5432 fit

For a list of references. please contact the Offspringcoordinator at nrayer@ameritech.net. IMOawe

"4047

ByMary Trepanier-

Street, Ed.D.,Lori Gregory, Ph.D.,

andJennifer Bauer

',

Preschool children show an unparalleled curiosity for learning. How canwe, as teachers and parents, tap into their interests and explore conceptsfrom their perspective? The Project Approach may be one answer.

Interest in project work as a componentof the early childhood curriculum isgaining increased attention and support.Projects, stemming from the children'sown interests, can actively engagepreschoolers in developmentally appropri-ate investigations of a topic. This articlewill explain the project approach in theearly childhood classroom.

What is a Project?A project is an in-depth exploration of atopic over an extended period of days,weeks, or months depending on thechildren's age, their interests and thenature of the topic (Katz & Chard, 1989).Project work has the potential to incorpo-rate all domains of development and eachof the content areas of learning (ie: lan-guage arts, social studies, mathematics,

--About the Authors

science and the fine arts). Through explo-ration of a project topic children developliteracy skills, acquire math and scienceconcepts, and practice social interactionskills. The time spent working on aproject is determined by the continuinginterest of the children. Some projectsmay last for a short time while others lastseveral weeks. Some may seem to be over,but reappear at a later date.

A well-rounded early childhood curricu-lum includes a variety of elements.Project work and more formal teacher-directed activities can be complimentarycomponents of an early childhood pro-gram. Many early childhood programsorganize learning through the use ofthemes. Projects and themes are notsynonymous. The major distinctions

Mary Trepanier-Street, Ed.D. is a Professor of Early Childhood and Director if University ofMichigan-Dearborn Child Development Center. Lori Gregory. Ph.D., is an Assistant Professorand former Early Childhood Coordinator. Jennifer Bauer is a Pre-K/ Kindergarten Teacher atthe University of Michigan-Dearborn Child Development Center

4Q Offspring Fall 1999

between the theme approach and theproject approach revolve around therole of the teacher and the source of thetopic. Themes are selected and developedby the teacher, based on what they thinkmay be of interest to the children, as wellas, what is suggested by published orschool district curriculum guides. Theteacher gathers the materials, carefullyplans each lesson in the theme, anddecides when the theme begins andends. Project topics, however, begin,continue and end with the interest of thechildren. Meaningful, relevant projectslead to children's construction of knowl-edge; knowledge that is retained, notquickly forgotten. Projects motivatechildren to learn and require less extrin-sic, teacher-directed motivation. Reward-ing experiences in project work help todevelop a positive disposition for learning(Katz & Chard,1989, 1993).

How do Projects Begin?Projects are initiated by the interest of anindividual child, a small group of chil-dren, the entire group, or the learningenvironment. The children decide whatthey already know, what they want toknow, how they will explore, what materi-als they will need, and what individualmembers in the group will accomplishregarding the topic (Trepanier-Street,1993). Since projects are a result of thechildren's interests, a sense of ownershipover their learning develops. This per-sonal investment provides intense intrin-sic motivation to continue the work,engage in collaborative decision makingwith both their peers as well as theteacher, and fosters true pride in theirefforts. Since projects are conceived bythe children and stem from their real lifeexperiences, the learning acquired is trulymeaningful and relevant (Katz & Chard,1989, 1993).

What is the Role of theTeacher?Although projects are initiated and sus-tained by the children, the role of theteacher in project work is neither passivenor unimportant. It is the teacher whosets the initial environment, who pro-vokes interest through open-ended ques-tions or investigations of discrepantevents, and who manages, organizes, andencourages the extension of the project.

Offspring Fall 1999

Project work requires active teachersupport. The teacher must be a keenobserver of the children's active play, howand where they choose to spend_ theirtime, and how they interact withmaterials. Through observation andactive listening, the teacher can begin tounderstand topics of interest to thechildren. Then the teacher can introducean activity or set up the environment forthe children to begin to investigate theproject topic. During this initialinvestigation, the children and teacherdiscuss collaboratively what they want todo and what they want to know about thetopic. Activity plans are not predeter-mined, but rather emerge through acollaborative process of children witheach other and with the teacher. Theproject continues in the direction of theinterest of the children. Many times thisdirection is not linear but rather leads ina course that could not be predictedfrom the starting point (Edwards, 1993;Hendrick, 1997).

As the project proceeds, the role of theteacher varies. The age and developmen-tal level of the children dictates theteacher's presence as the investigationstake form. With younger, less verbalchildren, the teacher needs to observe thechildren's actions, observe their surpriseat discrepant events, and provide thesensory experiences to support theirinterest. The number of choices foractivities for younger children may needto be limited. With older children, theteacher should facilitate their social andaffective development through groupdiscussions, joint decision making andpeer conflict resolution. Older childrenshould be encouraged to engage in criti-cal thinking and problem solving and torepresent their changing thinking aboutthe topic through a variety of media.

As with other approaches, it can beuseful and informative to document thechildren's progress during a project. Theteacher may carefully collect and savechildren's work, transcribe children'slanguage, and record the process ofchange in the children's understanding.Such documentation provides evidence tothe children of the importance of theirwork (New, 1990; Rinaldi & Gandini,1991).

"Throughexploration ofa project topicchildrendevelopliteracy skills,acquire mathand scienceconcepts, andpractice socialinteractionskills."

4J 13

"Projects basedon children'sown interestcan result inmeaningful,relevantlearning inyoungchildren."

14

What is the Role of the Peer inProject Work?While some projects are individualprojects, most projects involve smallgroups or the entire class. Throughprojects children learn to workcollaboratively. The children plan eachstep in the project, listen to each other'sideas, evaluate those ideas, and thenwork together to accomplish the project'sgoals. They learn how to take turns,negotiate conflicts, engage in perspectivetaking, practice new social skills such assharing and helping, and evaluate per-sonal strengths and weaknesses(Greenberg, 1987). Through working withothers, children have the opportunity tolisten and observe the understandingsand concepts of others, to compare theirconcepts and understandings, to reflecton potential similarities or discrepancies,and to modify, adapt or solidify theirideas and concepts (Dewey, 1900;Bodrova & Leong,1996). Consequently,group project work is a major source forsocial and cognitive growth.

What is the Role of Families inProject-Based Learning?Classroom projects can build family,school and community relations.Families and the community are valuableresources. Utilizing these resburces cancontribute a diversity of knowledge andskills to a project, strengthen communityrelations with the school, contribute adultassistance, provide additional materialsand equipment, and create a focus forfamilies and children to work together,share time, and communicate with eachother. Projects can become a source forconversations, discussions and at-homeactivities. Through project work childrenand their families can become aware ofand value the community and its re-

. sources. In addition, the communitymay become more aware of and value theactivities of the school.

SummaryProjects, based on children's own interest,can result in meaningful, relevant learn-ing for young children. This valuableapproach can incorporate and be comple-mentary to all content areas andcomponents of the early childhoodcurriculum. Through projects thecollaborative efforts of children, teachers,

families and community members canresult in significant learning experiencesand supportive relationships. We chal-lenge other early childhood educators toinclude this valuable approach to learn-ing in their classrooms and to experienceits many benefits.

For a list of references, please contact the Offspringcoordinator at nrayer@ameritech.net.

What is a classroomexample of Project Work?

The following is a photostory of aproject in action at the Universityof Michigan Dearborn's ChildDevelopment Center. The childrenexplored motion in various ways.They observed the differences inmotion from painting on the wall topainting on the table to painting onthe floor. Recording of movement inpainting was explored throughmarble painting, and throughwalking, jumping and sliding withpainted feet on paper.

Ju Offspring Fall 1999

One day when painting with spray bottleson white paper taped on the wall, childrenbegan noticing that the paint was runningdown the wall. Some of the childrenbecame fascinated with this occurrenceand began talking about it throughout theactivity. The children and the teacherbegan discussing and brainstorming whythe paint was running down the paper.Their initial responses varied from how thespray bottles were used to the color of thepaint used. This began the children'sexploration of motion.

(see photo on page 12)The block construction area also became afocus for movement explorations. To extendchildren's interest in movement, the teacherread a story about trains and how theymoved. This led to the building of trains inthe block area. Train building instigatedplaying with cars, and the building of roads,bridges and ramps. Prior to road building,the children and teacher planned their roaddesigns on paper. Explorations with rampsand the speed of the cars, led to the childrenexperimenting with speed bumps.

Movement was also visually recorded through a yarn tossgame in which children, sitting a circle, took turns rolling a ballof yarn to different people in the circle. They then retraced themovement of the ball by following the course of the string.

In another activity, the path of moving objects were recorded byplaying with a lazy susan. Children observed the variety oftracks made by their fingers placed in the sand on the rotatinglazy susan. Paint was dropped on the top of the rotating lazysusan and children observed how the colors blended and mixed.

Offspring Fall 1999

These activities led to a pendulum experiment,an adaptation of an activity described by GeorgeForman (Forman, 1984). A plastic ketchup bottlefilled with sand was hung from the ceiling by a stringover a large tablecloth on the floor. Sitting around thecloth, a child pushed the open bottle to another childin the circle. The path of the bottle was traced byobserving the visible patterns of the sand. As timewent on, the children began trying to create differentpatterns by controlling the sway of the bottle.

51 15

ByLaura N.

Sweet

16

So often parents approach their co-op time as an obligation that mustbe met, but there are many unexpected benefits that you may not haveconsidered. As a parent with several years experience in co-oping, I'veoutlined some of the rewards my family has discovered along the way.

At first reflection, some co-op parentsmay think of their assisting duties as aninconvenience they need to endure for thesake of their child's education. After all,time spent in the classroom is necessarilytime that can't be spent elsewhere.And effort needs to be made to changeschedules, arrange for sitters for youngersiblings, and prepare snacks for thechildren.

But my family has enjoyed co-oping,and we've discovered some unexpected"rewards" along the way. If parents comeinto the classroom with the right attitude,and use the resources available to them,they'll find their participation in this stageof their child's education will pay off inmany ways.

About the Author

A Positive BeginningI became involved with a cooperativenursery school when I was looking for a"kinder, gentler" way to begin my son'seducation. Chris was not comfortable innew situations, and he had separationfears when I left him with anyone evenGrandma. I knew that my presence in theclassroom on occasion would help givehim the security and confidence heneeded to stand on his own. It took time,but my patient participation worked;Chris went from being fearful at pre-school, to looking forward to his schooldays.

Even confident preschoolers enjoy havingtheir parents or caregivers in the class-room. For those who are wary of being ontheir own, it's a comfort to have a parent

Laura N. Sweet is a freelance writer and mother of three. She recently served as theVice President for First Baptist Preschool of Midland.

52Offspring Fall 1999

nearby from time to time. Your days inthe classroom will ease the transitionfrom home to school for your child,making it a more natural step in the bigjob of growing up.

Your attitude in the classroom is alsoimportant; your child needs to see thatyou are looking forward to your time toco-op. It's a way of demonstrating thevalue you put on his or her education.Your positive attitude also assures yourchild that you enjoy spending time withhim or her.

Positive parents are also encouraging tothe teacher who needs the support of theco-op workers. Teachers know whensomeone really doesn't want to be there,and that can be a morale buster. A smileand a can-do spirit will make the differ-ence between a good day at preschool or adifficult one.

The person who really benefits from yourpositive attitude is You! Yes, life ishectic, and you probably have a millionthings to do. Working at preschool forcesyou to slow down and spend time in yourchild's world. Look at the beautiful facesaround you. Watch the delight of a three-year old holding a hamster, or a four-yearold who learns a complicated finger play.This is the "good stuff," the things thatmake this age group so enjoyable. Manythings in your day may be more pressing,but none can be more important.

Watch Your Child With OthersOne of the greatest benefits from workingat your preschool is the chance to watchyour child interact with others. Becauseeach child has his or her own "inner" .

schedule of development, this will giveyou insight into many different areas,from appropriate behavior to kindergartenreadiness.

Developmental differences can beobserved and accepted. For example, theother four-year olds may be able to usescissors, but your daughter is all thumbs.Give her time. Or, if your son is a wiggle-worm during story time, you could prac-tice sitting still together while you read tohim at home.

Offspring Pall 1999

More than one parent has believed theirchild was ready for kindergarten, only towatch him or her struggle with the expec-tations placed upon him. Two children,born in the same month and the sameyear, may be at different stages of devel-opment. Watching your child with othershis or her age will help you determinewhen he is ready for school.

And you'll also see areas where your childshines! Your preschooler may amaze youby working all morning on a city ofblocks, or putting together a floor-lengthpuzzle. Your "shy" child may reach foranother's hand when it's time to dance;your "rowdy" child may sit quietly withthe classroom pet. By being in the class-room, you'll see facets of your child'spersonality you never saw before.

Get to Know YourChild's TeacherAre you aware of the educational back-ground of your child's teacher? Do youknow the years of experience she's hadworking with young children? Yourpreschool teacher is a professional anexpert in the development and educationof young children. Her experience, educa-tion and efforts to continually upgradeher skills not only make her a greatteacher, but an important resource forparents.

This point was brought home to me whenmy three-year old began to stutter whenshe spoke. To me, it sounded as if shewas struggling to verbalize her thought orquestion properly. My mother-in-law,however, was concerned that it might bethe sign of a larger problem.

When I mentioned this to my child'steacher, she reassured me that stutteringwas very typical for Meredith's age group.Her advice: slow down, be patient, anddon't make a big deal about it. We fol-lowed that advice, and now Meredith isspeaking quite smoothly in coherentsentences.

Cooperative nursery school teachers canhelp you know what is normal for your

53

"Your days inthe classroomwill ease thetransition fromhome to schoolfor your child,making it amore naturalstep in thebig job ofgrowing up."

17

"Working atpreschoolforces you toslow down andspend time inyour child'sworld."

18

I

e

child's age group. They can also alert youto a possible problem. Their advice shouldbe sought about kindergarten readiness.Remember: preschool teachers are not "init for the money:" most are woefullyunderpaid. They teach because they loveteaching, and they love young children.

Co-oping also gives parents the opportu-nity to work with the teacher, and observehow she interacts with the students. Itgives more time to talk and ask questions,and to watch as the teacher deals withcommon problems. For this generation ofparents, who often don't live near theirown families, the preschool teacher'sexperience and training can be a greatresource.

Leadership RolesThe cooperative preschool is unique inthat it is a parent-run organization fromstart to finish. Unlike the public schools,where decisions sometimes seem to bemade far-removed from the classroom,the parents and teachers of yourpreschool decide on the best courseof action.

Think about taking a leadership positionat your preschool. There are all kinds ofjobs available, and there's probably onethat you would find interesting andchallenging. You'll not only be helpingout, but you may find your job beneficial,both professionally and personally.

Some of our board members are at-homemoms who don't often get to use skillsthey once used professionally. By volun-

teering to be the preschool treasurer,newsletter editor, health coordinator, etc.,they can use their skills in a meaningfulway. In fact, such volunteer work looksgood-on a resume when one decides torejoin the work force.

We also have a number of working par-ents on our board who just want to beinvolved in their child's school. Someenjoy doing things that are different fromtheir work duties. Planning a holidayparty for young children, for example, canbe a fun and creative "break" in theroutine.

The greatest reward for taking a leader-ship role at your preschool will be thewell-operated learning environment foryour child that you will help to create. It'salso a good way to demonstrate to yourchildren the importance you put on theireducation.

A Unique OpportunityA cooperative nursery school givesparents a unique opportunity in theirchild's education process the chance tobe personally involved in the classroom.For my family it's been an enjoyable time,exploring and experiencing new sights,sounds and activities together. Therewards are many, for both parent andchild. Have a great year at preschooltogether!

54Offspring Fall 1999

Helping Hintsfor Nursery Parents

1. Arrive on time to set out equipment and supplies on your participation days.

2. Discuss morning plans with the teacher.

3. Be constantly alert to the safety of all children. Station yourself nearbywhen children are climbing, sliding, etc.

4. Count heads frequently.

5. Move slowly and avoid unnecessary movement. Sit and watch and listenwhen you can.

6. Help the children to help themselves. Give a minimum of help in speech andaction. Avoid making models.

7. Give as few directions as possible. Show him as well as tell him. Then calmly helpthe child if he needs help in following the directions.

8. Go to the child to speak to her. Speak briefly and simply. Speak only when youhave her attention. Sit or squat so you can face her on her level.

9. Speak on a child's level of understanding, but don't talk down.

10. When a conflict occurs: Try not to judge it for the children. You may not know allthe facts. Don't be too eager to help. Many times children can settle their ownconflicts and learn in the process.

11. Expect your child to act like a child, not a model. The days you work may notbe his best days.

12. Remember you are here to help; keep conversation between adults at a minimum.13. It helps to warn the children in advance of a change in activity.

14. Expect cooperation and you will usually get it.

15. Participating may mean being alert rather than physically rushing about.

16. Laugh with, never at a child.

17. Forget the terms, "big boy, good girl, bad or best," Definitions of these words oftenchange. Be specific in praising behavior. "I like the way you..."

18. Put supplies away neatly and leave the room as you'd like to fmd it next time.

19. Allow a few minutes at the close of the session to sit down with the teacher andother participating parents to share the experiences and learnings of the day.

20. Look forward to your next opportunity to participate!

-About the AuthorMarjorie Kunz, M.A., began her cooperative nursery career as a co-op parent followed byteaching for 32 years. She has served MCCN for years as an advisor and an active editorialboard member of Offspring.

)ffspring Fall 199955

ByMarjorieKunz, M.A.

19

20

This regular feature is a series designed to keep parents and educatorsOne Step Ahead regarding early childhood education, research,

and purposeful parenting:

The I Am Your Child campaign (a public engagement campaign sponsored by the ReinerFoundation to increase public awareness of the importance of the first three years oflife) has outlined a number of principles that promote healthy parent/child and pre-school staff/child interactions. The following guidelines (1997) have been published in avariety of its media releases (booklets, Internet site, video/TV show):

While caring for children, parents as well as preschool staff should...

4* Be warm, loving and responsive

go Respond to the child's cues and clues

g, Talk, read and sing to the child

go Establish routines and rituals

go Encourage safe exploration and play

go Make TV watching selective

44 Discipline with love and understanding,use discipline as an opportunity to teach

go Recognize that each child is unique

Parents Should:

w Choose quality child care and stay involved

go Take care of yourself

For free videos, pamphlets and other materials contact: www.iamyourchild.org

Or try the Michigan Association for the Educationof Young Children at www.MiAEYC.com

56Offspring Fall 1999

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CO-OP PRESCHOOL

Photo Acknowledgments:The Offspring staff wishes to thank the followingpeople for permission to use their photographs:

CoverDebbie Moorman

Inside Front CoverLori Aamoth

Table of ContentsLisa Mangigian

Is It My Turn To Work?Trisha Rayer, Mary Crombez

Pass the Peace, Please:Teaching Young Children To Live PeacefullyShelli Gary, Mary Crombez

Massage For Children: More Than Just a Hug!Mary Crombez, Trisha Rayer, Lori Aamoth

Child Directed Learning: The Project ApproachUniversity of Michigan Dearborn Child

Development Center

Rewards Of Co-oping:What's In It For You and Your FamilyShelli Gary, Lisa Mangigian

One Step AheadShelli Gary

Inside Back CoverJudy Olsen-Hodges

Back CoverShelli Gary

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