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TRANSCRIPT
Recommendation Report
for Ecksdot
Emily Adams, Rachel Racicot, Drew Nevitt
J. Travis Washburn
June 10, 2013
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Table of Contents
ABSTRACT .............................................................................................................................................. 3
INTRODUCTION .................................................................................................................................... 4
AUDIENCE APPEAL ........................................................................................................................... 4
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ........................................................................................................ 5
EXPLANATION OF METHOD OF INQUIRY ................................................................................. 6
SCOPE OF REPORT: .......................................................................................................................... 6
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ........................................................................................................... 7
AUDIENCE APPEAL ........................................................................................................................... 11
BENEFITS ............................................................................................................................................. 14
CONCLUSION ....................................................................................................................................... 15
BENEFITS .......................................................................................................................................... 15
HAVE FAITH IN US ......................................................................................................................... 15
Appendix 1 ....................................................................................................................................... 16
Appendix 2 ....................................................................................................................................... 18
Appendix 3 ....................................................................................................................................... 20
Appendix 4 ....................................................................................................................................... 24
Works Cited ........................................................................................................................................ 27
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ABSTRACT
The main concern we noticed in Ecksdot is the audience appeal. To better reach your target
audience, we offer a few suggestions that will help us help you polish your manuscript and prepare it
for nationwide distribution. To accomplish this we suggest two things:
1. Lower Target Audience: it would require too much change to make the characters older to
reach 14-‐ and 15-‐year-‐old boys. Therefore, we suggest you lower the age of your intended audience.
2. Develop Your Characters: your characters are off to a great start but could use more depth
and conflict to make them seem more human and easier to relate to.
By implementing these two changes, you will reach a wider range of readers, produce a more
accessible book, and create characters your audience will relate to and identify with. By creating a
richer background and more depth for your characters, the world you create will be one that your
readers want to explore and become immersed in. Your target audience will be satisfied, and may even
extend beyond what you are hoping for.
4
INTRODUCTION
Ecksdot is on its way to be a fantastic novel. We thought that you had very original ideas making
Ecksdot a joy to read. You’ve done a great job of creating a story that is memorable and intriguing. You
have a variety of characters and themes that are sure to draw your readers in. This is a great start and we
hope that you will continue improving it so that we can read the finished product someday.
After reading Ecksdot, the main point we will focus on is audience appeal. We feel that the characters
in Ecksdot are not adequately developed and do not identify with the intended target audience.
AUDIENCE APPEAL
Typically, kids read books which have a character a few years older than them. For this reason,
we don’t think this book will appeal to the audience you’ve targeted. In How to Write Young Adult
Fiction for Dummies by Deborah Halverson, Halverson writes:
Some 12-‐, 13-‐, and 12-‐year-‐olds read middle grade novels with older themes, and others
are already happily immersed in YA [young adult fiction] … With the wildly varied physical
and emotional development of 12-‐ through 14-‐year-‐olds and the fact that young readers
like to “read up” into age ranges above their own, you never really know who’s going to
read your novel (Kindle Edition, pg. 21 of 364).
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This passage proves the point that we feel is a bit of an issue in Ecksdot. Because Nate is an 11-‐
year-‐old boy in sixth grade, it will prove difficult to reach your target audience of 14-‐ and 15-‐year-‐old
boys.
A second concern we have with this is Nate’s ability to be so engulfed in his own imagination.
This is commonplace for young children who tend to turn their interests inward, and focus on
themselves. Deborah Halverson also writes, “Tweens (ages 9-‐12): Typically, tweens are focused
inward, with conflicts stemming from that. They’re struggling to find out who they are, first and
foremost, and their book choices reflect that.” (Halverson, Kindle Edition, pg. 21 of 364).
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
Although the book is called Ecksdot, we found Nate to be the primary figure. This presents a
problem. From the title, we assume that Ecksdot is the main character, but he isn’t. We also feel that having
equal portions of the text devoted to both Nate and Ecksdot is confusing. From our conversation, you wish
Nate to be the main character. To do this effectively we suggest giving more time to Nate and going into
more detail about his development. Also, by developing his character further you will make him more
likeable and your audience will be more able to identify with him.
Danny and Rudge also need further development. There needs to be more clarity that Danny is the
moral center, “The Absorber”. Danny’s development will also help with Nate’s heroic journey. Rudge is not
developed in a way that makes him a strong central character. By developing him further you will make him
seem more real and this will make the final chapters of your novel stronger.
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EXPLANATION OF METHOD OF INQUIRY
We came to these conclusions after carefully reading Ecksdot, Mistborn by Brandon Sanderson, and
Fablehaven by Brandon Mull. We also read three different craft books including: How to Write Science
Fiction and Fantasy by Orsen Scott Card, and How to Write Young Adult Fiction for Dummies by Deborah
Halverson.
SCOPE OF REPORT:
We acknowledge that this is only one problem we have focused on and there may be others that we
have not addressed. We jointly decided to expend our efforts upon this single problem as we feel it needs the
most attention.
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CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
The first point we would like to touch on in regards to audience appeal is character
development. You mentioned that you would like Nate to be the main character. We agree with you on
this point, it is a great idea. As you continue working on Ecksdot, consider these things:
The book is called Ecksdot, which right away leads potential readers to believe that the book is
going to be about a person/creature named Ecksdot.
In How to Write Young Adult Fiction for Dummies, Deborah Halverson tells us that:
Young adult fiction is distinguished by its youthful focus and appeal. The main
characters are usually young adults … and their stories, or narratives, reflect a youthful
way of viewing the world that puts them at the center of everything. Characters act,
judge, and react from that point of view until they mature through the events of the
story (Halverson, Kindle Edition, pg. 9 of 364)
In Ecksdot, there are equal amounts of the book dedicated to both Nate and Ecksdot, which
makes it hard to determine who the main character truly is. Outlined in Appendix 3 is a clearer
example of what we mean. In the chapter “Typical Bedtime”, 783 words are dedicated to Nate. In the
following chapter about Ecksdot entitled, “Memory dump >... g*tto0f:kxw%u&\rd!/vvvd-‐e#*1” there
are 507 words. The small difference in dedication to the characters creates some confusion as to
whom to the book is truly about.
In Mistborn: The Final Empire by Brandon Sanderson, he does an excellent job of developing
characters clearly and well implemented. In chapter nine, Sanderson writes:
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Kelsier peeked into the kitchen, watching Vin sit sullenly in her chair. The haircut really
was good. However, his compliments had an ulterior motive – he suspected that Vin has
spent far too much of her life being told that she was worthless. Perhaps if she had a bit
more self-‐confidence, she wouldn’t try to hide so much (Kindle Edition, pg. 159 of 537).
In this passage, we learn a lot about the character Vin: she is sullen, feels worthless, lacks self-‐
confidence and hides much of the time. We learn this through the observations of Kelsier, but it gives
us a better understanding of Vin’s character and some of her past.
The following are a few suggestions to help you develop Nate’s character, make him more
likeable and easier to relate to:
1. Allowing Nate to exude a more mature and confident nature than most kids his age will also help
your readers relate to and feel empowered by him. In Writing Young Adult Fiction For Dummies by
Deborah Halverson, she mentions the importance of this:
“Understanding what’s suited to tween or teen sophistication and what would be better
aimed at an older audience is important … If you want to target boys, bait your line with
a theme or topic tempting enough to set aside their game controllers for. Many writers
find success by offering action fare along with irreverence, silly humor, and sports
themes while slipping the emotional stuff beneath.” (Kindle Edition, pg. 22 of 364).
2. You also mentioned that you see Danny as the moral center of the book, that he is “the absorber”.
This is a great idea could be a strong theme in the book with a little help and development. Some ideas
to help with this are:
1. Develop Nate’s character by making him more mature and confident.
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a. Give Danny a little more stage time. He is there as a sidekick to Nate, but a lot of the times
he falls into the shadows. Please refer to Appendix 4 for a clearer understanding of what we are talking
about.
b. Give him a conflict. Have him go through something where he tells Nate “No, we need to do
this because it’s the right thing” to help establish his moral compass. Younger readers sometimes need
things like that to be a little more obvious so that they are not confused by what is going on.
c. Perhaps give him a small altercation with Rudge where he turns the other cheek in the
end, shedding light on his morality and goodness.
In Summary for Danny, giving him a bigger role and allowing the differences between him and
Nate to be more evident will not only solidify his role as the moral compass of the book, but will help
to show how much Nate grows on his own heroic journey.
3. The last character that plays a large role in the book is Rudge. He starts out with a strong
presence at the beginning of the book, appears for the “Roof Dream” and then disappears until the end
of the book. In order to help identify him as a central character/antagonist, giving him more stage time
in the middle of the book would be a good idea.
a. Give him some cameos when Nate is trying to figure out the whole Andbot thing.
Whether it’s running into him while he is searching for answers, or more interactions on the
playground. Give him a little something more to do.
b. Show some sort of development in his character. In the last chapter it mentions how he
is skinnier than expected, seems not to have a lot of money and perhaps comes from a rougher
2. Give Danny more stage time and more to do. Let him exemplify ‘The Absorber’ more fully.
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background than Nate had previously thought. Establishing a sort of “transformation” from
Intimidating Rudge to Pathetic Rudge would give both Nate and Rudge more depth and humanity.
In summary, Rudge could use a little more human characteristic to help him seem like the
typical bully at school who turns out to be way less scary than previously thought. It will make the last
chapter and the end of the book all the more powerful, and help solidify Nate’s transformation and
heroic journey. In “Part II: Writing Riveting Young Adult Fiction” from How to Write Young Adult
Fiction For Dummies, Halverson touches on this point:
This part of the book helps you turn your ideas into a solid first draft by taking you step-‐
by-‐step through the novel-‐development process. You shape your plot, sculpt believable
characters, develop a convincingly youthful narrative voice and natural dialogue, and
manipulate the setting to enhance all those elements. Along the way, you find
techniques for connecting with an audience whose sophistication and maturity is in
flux. (pg. 4 of 364).
Giving your characters conflict, trials, and demonstrating the lessons they learn throughout the
book will increase their likeability, make them easier to relate to and reach a wider audience.
3. Spend more time with Rudge throughout the story and develop his character to make him more real.
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AUDIENCE APPEAL
Typically, kids read books which have a character a few years older than them. For this reason,
we don’t think this book will appeal to the audience you’ve targeted. But there are some relatively easy
options you have. In How to Write Young Adult Fiction for Dummies by Deborah Halverson, it speaks to
the issue of reaching one’s target audience. In a sub-‐section entitled, “Understanding Teen and Tween
Sophistication”, Halverson writes:
Some 12-‐, 13-‐, and 12-‐year-‐olds read middle grade novels with older themes, and others
are already happily immersed in YA [young adult fiction] … With the wildly varied physical
and emotional development of 12-‐ through 14-‐year-‐olds and the fact that young readers
like to “read up” into age ranges above their own, you never really know who’s going to
read your novel (Kindle Edition, pg. 21 of 364).
This passage proves the point that we feel is a bit of an issue in Ecksdot. Because Nate is an 11-‐
year-‐old boy in sixth grade, it will prove difficult to reach your target audience of 14-‐ and 15-‐year-‐old
boys. In the first chapter of Ecksdot you write about Nate being in an imaginary world. If you would
please reference Appendix 1 you will some areas that elaborate on this thought.
In Brandon Mull’s Fablehaven, he effectively creates a part-‐real, part-‐fantasy world that is
easily incorporated into the story and draws readers in. Appendix 2 will further illustrate what we
mean by this.
We chose Fablehaven because it’s a urban fantasy, like Ecksdot, and has a similar feel; yet the
audience is 9-‐years and up. You told us your intended audience is 14-‐ and 15-‐year-‐old boys. In this
report we will offer you some ideas to get your manuscript ready for nationwide distribution to the
right audience.
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One other concern we have with this is Nate’s ability to be so engulfed in his own imagination.
This is commonplace for young children who tend to turn their interests inward, and focus on
themselves. Deborah Halverson also writes, “Tweens (ages 9-‐12): Typically, tweens are focused
inward, with conflicts stemming from that. They’re struggling to find out who they are, first and
foremost, and their book choices reflect that.” (Halverson, Kindle Edition, pg. 21 of 364).
1) You can either change Nate’s age to fit your audience (but thereby would have to change the maturity of
the dialogue, as well as some key passages, including the chapters where they are in the playground.
2) Or you can expect a younger audience to be involved with your book: likely fifth through sixth grade.
a) Sixteen year olds typically aren’t absorbed into their imaginations, like Nate is. Sixteen year olds are
more concerned with girls and cars.
b) Nate is adventurous like a sixth grader would be, but not in the same way that a sixteen year old
would be.
c) Sixteen year olds would be more skeptical, and Nate trusting the old lady as quickly as he does isn’t
what a sixteen year old would do.
The latter is the simpler option, but you would have to re-evaluate the themes and sections that were
targeted for sixteen year olds, and decide if they can still be suited for that age. We would discourage from
changing the themes too much, because they would be the ones that interest your younger readers. You
ultimately have to decide what is the most important things for your readers, but we want you to make sure
the message still comes across since the audience is different.
Option 1: Change Nate’s Age.
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3.) The audience and age of Nate can stay the same, if you did something like Card did with Ender’s
Game, by making him above average for his age. You don’t have to make him a savant like Ender, but we
would suggest making him smarter than the average bear if you used this option.
Of all three of these, we feel like the second is your best bet: lowering your target audience.
Option 2: Change your intended target audience.
Option 3: Make Nate more mature, a lot more.
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BENEFITS
If you did made these changes, then you would have a better response from your audience, because
they will relate to the characters. Having characters that they can look up to will interest the readers, and help
them trust them--like an older brother bestowing his life experiences in story form upon them. They will take
the story and identify through their own problems and respective reactions. They will see the complexity of
coming-of-age and being believed in something that’s unbelievable, which is what we all need, and what
you, as a Latter-Day Saint, understand. Through this, you will touch more readers, and therefore, you will
have more success in sales, and gain more attention from publishers!
We think having Nate go through more trials that have more importance to him, and being forced to
grow, would give his character more depth and help your audience to better relate to him. Allowing Nate to
exude a more mature and confident nature than most kids his age will also help your readers relate to and feel
empowered by him. This will help the audience discover him simultaneously, allowing them to become
emotionally attached and therefore more involved in the story. Giving Danny a bigger role and allowing the
differences between him and Nate to be more evident will not only solidify his role as the moral compass of
the book, but will help to show how much Nate grows on his own heroic journey. Giving Zach more of an
attitude will help him seem his age and help better define Nate’s age and mentality and maturity level
through comparison. In summary, excluding unnecessary characters or beefing up the ones you want to keep
is very important. They help give the story a frame of reference and can add greatly to the main character:
Nate. Lastly, making Rudge a little more human will make the last chapter and the end of the book all the
more powerful, and help solidify Nate’s transformation and heroic journey.
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CONCLUSION In summary, we recommend:
1. Develop Nate by changing the book title, giving Nate more content over Ecks, sending him on a
more heroic journey, giving him more maturity and confidence, and having him not rely on his
mother so much.
2. Give Danny more stage time, more conflict, and perhaps a altercation with Rudge.
3. Give Zach a more definitive age and have him act like it and add some additional brotherly traits.
4. In order to help identify Rudge as a central character/antagonist give him more stage time in the
middle of the book. Give him a little something more to do and show some sort of development in
his character.
5. You can either change Nate’s age to fit your audience, or you can expect a younger audience to be
involved with your book, or the audience and age of Nate can stay the same, if you did something
like Card did with Ender’s Game, by making him above average for his age.
BENEFITS
If you implement our recommendations you will find that your novel will appeal to your target
audience in a much deeper way. The changes to match your target audience will directly affect who will read
your novel and more of those in your suggested target audience will read it. The changes to your characters
will deepen their connectivity. Your audience will identify with the characters that you’ve created and
become more dedicated readers to your novels.
HAVE FAITH IN US
We believe that our suggestions and recommendations will greatly improve your novel. We have
studied great writers is this same genre and found conclusive evidence that will benefit your writing in the
best way.
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APPENDICES
APPENDIX 1
1. I Crash and Burn
I came falling out of the sky—a million miles an hour. So friggin fast. Dad tells me not to use that word. But I don’t see the problem. It’s a lot better than the real F-‐word.
I was falling head first, my arms at my sides and my hands pointing toward my feet. Which was up. The wind rushed against my helmet screen, a noise like the static on an old TV. I held my neck tight against the strong air resistance. I gritted my teeth. I was surprised my armor didn’t catch fire like the end of Apollo 13. That’s usually what happens when you freefall from outer space.
I was several miles up, and my black armor would have been a blurry streak to anyone watching—if anyone had been watching. But this was a stealth mission—a surprise attack—so hopefully no one had.
The sky boomed, shaking me so hard my clenched teeth clacked against each other. I fought against the wind to turn my head back—a large patch of smoke floated in the sky behind me.
My arm shook as I brought it to my helmet—pressing the side of it, I heard an electronic clink. The visor turned my vision red, and a digital line swept back and forth across the ground in front of me. It beeped as it found a small black mark:
Anti-‐aircraft turrets.
They swiveled around and pointed at me from the ground far below. The smoke poofed from the long, dark barrels, but the shells were invisible. And silent. That is, until I heard the next boom behind my head. For a half a second, everything was spinning, and I was afraid I might barf in my helmet. But I didn’t. Another shell exploded near my back, hurling me down even faster. Fortunately, the air current kept me from going too far past supersonic. The earth was zooming up at me, as if I were scrolling in on a map as fast as it would go.
Tiny cracks in the earth got fatter and fatter—the top of the sky city. I had to go between the cracks—past the starscrapers—to get down to the streets at the city floor. And I couldn’t release my chute till I’d entered the cracks—below the guns. Which meant if I missed my trajectory, I would splat against the rooftops.
The explosions continued, rattling my jaw.
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The cracks leading to the streets got wider and wider, till I only had seconds left. But I had to push it as long as I could—till I got below their scanners, which was also dangerously close to dying.
I imagined myself crashing into the roof, face first. Though my armor added a lot of strength, it would never be enough to break the fall. My jaw would snap, and my face too, across my nose. And my fingers would probably break, along with my wrists, as I instinctively held them out to break my fall. The reactor in my suit might actually explode on impact too.
And waiting till the last second meant there’d be no time to throw the emergency chute if the first one didn’t deploy.
This thought—the terror of it—gripped my throat. But I held fast, bulleting upside down toward the earth.
The first of the starscrapers spiked upward. I held my palms flat behind me, curving them at a slight angle like tail fins, which pushed me forward and around the building. Another rocket exploded behind my back, throwing my curve off course. I pushed against the wind harder, and at the last second zipped over the lip of the building, falling next to its side. The gritty alien surface sped past, near my stomach. The ground was a mile away below.
“Hey, dude.”
The universe tilted around me.
“How’s it going?”
The rough surface of the building below my stomach grinded to a stop, my velocity frozen to walking speed.
The surface wasn’t next to me—it was beneath me—I was standing on it. And it wasn’t alien either. It was just a patch of gravel next to the road.
What had been far below me was now ahead of me: And I could see the red-‐brick school up in the distance—where the road curved. My school.
A horrible chill ran right through me. It was gone. The world was gone. And so was the glory. Even if I’d died in the freefall, it wouldn’t have mattered—because of the glory. But there was no glory here. This was my life. The desert of the real.
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APPENDIX 2
Seth tried a flip off the boulder into the pool, but landed ion his back. He never could quite make it all the way around. He surfaced and stroked to the side to try again. “Nice back-flop,” Kendra said, standing beside the pool. “That was one for the blooper reel.” Seth climbed out of the water. “I’d like to see you do a better one. Where have you been?” I found a secret.” “What?” “I can’t explain. But I can show you.” “Good as the lake?” “Not quite. Hurry up.” Putting a towel over his shoulders, Seth stepped into his sandals. Kendra led him away from the pool through the garden to some flowering shribs on the outskirts of the yard. Behind the plants lay a large pie tin full of milk where a crowd of hummingbirds were feeding. “They drink milk?” he said. “Yeah, but that isn’t the point. Taste it.” “Why?” “You’ll see.” “Have you tried it?” “Yes.” “What’s the big deal?” “I told you, try it an you’ll see.” Kenra watched curiously as he kneeled by the tin. The hummingbirds dispersed. Seth dipped a finger into the milk and put it on his tongue. “Pretty good. Sweet.” “Sweet?” He lowered his head and puckered his lips against the surface of the milk. Pulling back, he wiped his mouth. “Yeah, sweet and creamy. A little warm though.” Looking beyond Kendra, his eyes bulged. Seth jumped to his feet, screaming and pointing. “What the heck are those?” Kendra turned. All she saw was a butterfly and a couple of hummingbirds. She looked back at Seth. He was turning circles, eyes darting around the garden, apparently perplexed and amazed. “They’re everywhere,” he said in awe. “What are?” “Look around. The fairies.” Kendra stared at her brother. Could the milk have tottaly fried his brain? Or was he messing around with her? He didn’t appear to be faking. He was over by a rosebush gasing at a butterfly in wonder. Tentatively he reached a hand toward it, but it fluttered out of reach. He turned back to Kendra. “Was it the milk? This is way cooler than the lake!” He excitement seemed genuine. Kendra eyed the tin of milk. Drink the milk. [This is a reference to earlier in the chapter when she finds a scrawled note in a book at the house she and her brother are staying in]. If Seth was playing a prank,
19
his acting skills had suddenly improved tenfold. She dipped a finger and put it in her mouth. Seth was right. It was sweet and warm. For an instant the sun gleamed in her eyes, making her blink. She glanced back at her brother, who was creeping up on a small group of hovering fairies. Three had wings like butterflies, one like a dragonfly. She could not suppress a shriek at the impossible sight. Kendra looked back at the milk. A fairy with hummingbird wings was drinking from her cupped hand. Other than the wings, the fairy looked like a slender woman not quite two inches tall. She wore a flittering turquoise slip and had long, dark hair. When Kendra leaned closer, the fairy zipped away. There was no way she was really seeing this, right? There had to be an explanation. But the fairies were everywhere, near and far, shimming in vivid colors. How could she deny what was before her eyes? As Kendra continued to survey the garden, startled disbelief melted into wonder. Fairies of all conceivable varieties flitted about, exploring blossoms, gliding on the breeze, and acrobatically avoiding her brother. Roaming the pathways of the garden in a daze, Kendra saw that the fairy women appeared to represent all nationalities. Some looked Asian, some Indian, some African, some European. Several were less than comparable to mortal women, with blue skin or emerald green haird. A few had antennae. Their wings came in all varieties, mostly patterned after butterflies, but more elegantly shaped and radiantly colored. All the faired gleamed brilliantly, outshining the flowers of the garden like the sun outshines the moon. Rounding a corner ona pathway, Kendra stopped short. There stood Grandpa Sorenson, wearing a flannel shirt and work boots, arms folded across his ches. “We need to talk,” he said.
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APPENDIX 3
Typical Bedtime
I dread going to bed.
It’s not just the nightmares—because sometimes I have really awesome dreams. But they’re part of it.
I just don’t like giving up. And I feel like when you go to bed, you’re calling quits on the day. Except when I’m real tired—then I love it.
I’d gone with Danny to his house. It looked a lot different with Jeff’s family all moved out. Danny’s sister had taken Jeff’s room. But Danny had some good stuff too—his dad kept their pantry full of Famous Amos cookies and sparkling cider. And no one else was home. I felt like a king. My mom never buys that stuff. Then we played Slam for a bit. And he kicked my butt, which made me mad. But then I made a comeback.
I came home pretty excited. We ate bean and bacon soup for dinner. Then I sort of picked a fight with my little sister Sarah, while she did easy math. I was just being a punk. I don’t know why I act like that.
Mom made Zach and me get out our homework. I sat in the living room by Dad, who was watching football. This guy in a blue jersey did a superman tackle: His whole body was flat, with his feet and head at the same height. He smashed his shoulder into the guy’s side and the two went crashing onto the turf. The ball went flying loose, and the goodguys picked up the fumble. It was the play of the game, I guess, and they kept showing it over and over. But then they switched to two old guys talking about the coming season and stuff, and I started to get real bored.
“Oh—my—goodness,” Mom said. She lowered her newspaper and looked over the tops of her red reading glasses.
“What?” Dad asked, still watching the TV.
“A teenager drowned in Lake Lowell.”
“What happened?” I asked.
“Just some kids out there swimming and goofing off, seems like.”
I always thought drowning would be one of the worst ways to die.
“Mom,” I asked, “how come we never go to the lake?”
“You wanna go drown?” Sarah said, making an ugly face.
“Mom?” I reminded, ignoring Sarah.
21
“It’s filthy,” Mom said. “Nobody goes out there.”
Then Zach walked by and flipped my ear: “Hey, chubby.”
I wasn’t overweight or anything—he just thought it was a pretty good insult. And he was right. “Hey!” I scowled at him. Such a jerk. I hated when he finished his homework first. He sat next to me on our red checkerish couch and started patting his thumbs on his knees.
“So what’d you do at Brewsters’?” he asked.
“Nothing. Get out of here, chunky. I’m doing my homework.”
“You guys were playing video games, weren’t you?”
I didn’t answer.
“Which ones?”
“Leave me alone.”
“Hey, you boys be quiet,” Mom said. “I need to make some phone calls for the seminar next week.”
Zach was still tapping his thumbs. I reached over and smacked his hand with my fist. He punched me in the shoulder. “Hey!” I shouted. “Get out of here, jerk.”
“Boys!” Dad said.
“Dad, tell him to get out of here.”
“Zach, move.” Without looking at me, Zach stood up and walked out. But the look on his face made me think he was sad—maybe because I’d been hanging out with Danny instead of him.
“Nate, you’ve been picking fights all evening,” Mom said. “If this is how you’re going to act when I let you go to a friend’s house...”
“He’s not my friend. I was just being nice.”
“Alright, no more Danny’s for you.”
“Fine, I’m sorry,” I said. I know this is horrible, but I was worried about losing the sparkling cider. So when Mom told me to go to bed, I didn’t whine very much.
I still didn’t want to go to bed—I never do. But I kept that battle on the inside—facing our creepy basement alone.
It’s even kind of creepy in the daytime. But much worse at night.
As I walked downstairs, I flipped on every single light.
22
I still get the heebie jeebies walking down there alone. And I sometimes sleep with the closet light on—I know I’m too old, but I just get freaked out. And Zach’s nice enough to let me.
Before I walked in my bedroom, I reached my hand inside the door and flipped on the light. I tilted my head from side to side, peeking through to make sure no one was in there.
Then I pushed the door open with my foot and stepped back.
Waiting.
Memory dump >... g*tto0f:kxw%u&\rd!/vvvd-‐e#*1
Ecks.Sneak
I’m crouched in a corner. My hands are raised in front of me, as if they could protect me from solid objects. But it’s only instinct. If anything did happen, it wouldn’t help.
The stairway light comes on, revealing a couch, a TV, some bookshelves—I’m in the middle of a family room. I hear footsteps coming downstairs. A hand reaches around the corner and flips on the light—a hand with a glowing aura. The room brightens. And the boy steps around the corner—Nate. I’ve managed to sneak into his house. And he still has that aura around him—something humans aren’t supposed to have.
I’m in plain sight, but Nate walks around the corner, past me, and to a door. He reaches his hand inside the room and turns on the light then pushes open the door and waits. He seems cautious like we are. I’m not sure why he would be though.
I sneak to the door. Nate is about my height, and the aura glows around him just like mine. He’s standing in a room with walls like wooden panels—different from the white walls in the rest of the house. From the outside I scan for a place to lie low. He changes into shorts and a t-‐shirt, and I jump out of the way as he walks past me out of the room. I rush inside, desperate for a place to hide. The space under the bunk bed is crowded with un-‐movable boxes. I turn. A closet is straight behind me. It’s closed tight. There’s another closet behind the bedroom door—it’s partly open, maybe wide enough for me to squeeze through. I lean out the bedroom door—Nate’s nowhere in sight.
My breath speeds up as I scramble to my knees, tilt to one side, and start squeezing through into the closet under the stairs. My head and helmet make it fine. My chest clanks against the door frame, and yet the door won’t budge. At any moment Nate could come back. Just a little shove on the bedroom door and the closet door would close, cutting me in half as if I weren’t there. I hear footsteps. I find something solid in the dark closet and pull. My waist is through. My knees. Nate pushes open the bedroom door. The handle clunks against the closet door. I jerk my boots inside, and the closet door closes another few inches.
Whew.
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That was close. Too close. But I made it. And still in one piece.
Take that, Eightch.
But it will be tricky getting back out.
I’m right where I need to be—close enough to make the perfect simultaneous jump. No more wandering for days on end trying to find him.
The closet’s dark. A thin strip of light shines in from the bedroom and up across my metallic armor. The bottom of the stairs are above my head, a ceiling that steps down and back.
Another thirty minutes or so and I’ll leap into the dreamsphere
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APPENDIX 4
It was Danny who’d interrupted me. I should have noticed him sooner, and I would have, but my focus had been locked on the turrets. Danny was just as dangerous as they were. Only it was social danger. Uhh.
The gravel made a crunching sound as I walked along.
“What did you say?” I asked.
“The Chicago Bulls.”
“Yeah. What about them?”
“They beat the Kings.”
“Oh. That’s cool.” But obviously it wasn’t, and my tone said so. But I sort of thought Danny wasn’t smart enough to catch that sort of thing—even if it was obvious. Danny was wearing a red jersey with white and black trim that said “BULLS 23” on the front. It seemed a little dorky on him—I’m not sure why. Maybe because I was more of a Suns fan. But mostly I just wanted to imagine things—to get away from this mundane place.
I don’t exactly know how to describe how I felt right then. My dad would call it longing, I think. It’s more than that though. It was a feeling I felt a lot, but didn’t know how to describe—something inside of me was missing. I could catch a glimpse of it when I was pretending like that. But I could never hold on to it. Kind of like smoke through your fingertips. Of course, I’ve never tried to hold smoke in my hands, but I think that’s what it would be like. I wanted to be a hero. That’s all I wanted in the whole world. But I was surrounded by stupid every-‐day sort of stuff. Like school. And friggin Danny.
And now I was going to have to show up with him next to me—like we were walking to school together as friends. Which we weren’t.
I don’t know why, but I pulled on the straps of my backpack and heard my pencils clunk against the fat book I was reading—Blood of Heaven (Chapter 1, pg. 19).
I knew they thought Danny was a loser, and I didn’t want to seem like I was his buddy, even though I maybe knew it was the right thing to do.
No one responded for a second. In fact, it was sort of like they were trying not to look at me. But they looked at Danny. Finally, the kid Rudge had punched said, “Yeah, man, just get in line. You don’t have to ask anyone.”
25
I tossed my bag in the grass and stepped in line behind Rudge, who was wearing his poofy green coat even though it was fairly warm outside, and even though this game made you sweat. No wonder he always smelled.
I motioned Danny in front of me—I didn’t want to be behind Rudge, because then I’d have to get him out. And I figured there was no chance Danny would. I’d had a run-‐in with Rudge before, and I didn’t want to repeat it.
I looked over Rudge’s shoulder, hating him a little. His hands looked bony and old—like they were from a full-‐grown man. Maybe because he’d punched so many people. Maybe that’s why all grown men had hands like that. Actually, I wasn’t sure my dad had ever punched anyone, and his hands kind of looked like that.
“Danny, you know how to play this game?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“Okay.” He’d told me that yesterday, but I didn’t really believe him. He was pretty new around here.
The game started. Austin swooshed his shot, then bounce-‐passed his ball to the third guy in line.
The backboard was attached to a huge metal pole sunk in concrete, and it barely wobbled at all—so when the second kid bricked his shot, the ball went flying. The third kid caught Austin’s pass and sunk a basket. “You’re out, Freddie.”
Austin moved to the back of the line, and I could feel his eyes on my back. I fidgeted with the skin on my elbow. I usually felt pretty confident playing basketball—I’d gotten good playing with Dad and my older brother Zach. But not today. I pinched the skin on my elbow again. The line kept growing behind us, and pretty soon Rudge was at the front, Danny right behind him. One kid bumped the other guy’s ball and then did an easy layup. “You’re out.” Then they passed to Rudge and Danny at the same time.
Rudge leaned back and plopped his ball in a high arc with just one hand, as if he had great form, but it looked pretty awful. It hit the back of the rim, and popped straight up, real high. Danny, instead of shooting with his arm like a catapult, shot with both hands, propelling it with his thumbs—bad form, Dad would say. His shot had almost no arc, and it went straight in—just like Luke Skywalker’s proton torpedo.
A millisecond later, Rudge’s ball dropped down and through the hoop.
“You’re out,” someone said.
Rudge swore. “That freaking little turd. Who said he could play?” He kicked one of the basketballs into the grass. Danny didn’t even look at Rudge. He just picked up the other ball and passed it to me like he was supposed to. Right then Rudge shoved him hard, and he caught himself with his hands as he fell on the pavement. He stood back up, looking at his hands. I couldn’t see blood, but they looked like they got scratched pretty good. He put them under his armpits and looked up into the air.
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The rest of the boys stood there. I wasn’t shooting, and they were waiting for someone to get the other ball.
“Who said you could play, punk?”
Danny looked Rudge in the eye, not in defiance. More like he was waiting to be shoved again. Or like he was in the process of figuring out how to react. Rudge shoved him into me.
I dropped the ball. “Leave him alone, man,” I said, stepping in front of Danny and holding my hands up by my chest—not like I was putting up my dukes, but just as sort of a scared instinct.
He leaned his face in toward mine. “You think you’re tough, punk?” And when he said punk, a speck of spit flew on my cheek. I wiped it off with the back of my hand. Danny was still right behind me, and Rudge glared at him. Maybe Rudge was going to reach over me and hit him. Just to show me. I turned toward Danny—my back toward Rudge. It was a dumb move—I know now. “Danny, go find your sister. I’ll take care of him. Just get out of here.” But he just stood there, looking at Rudge, then at me, then at Rudge. I pushed Danny back. “I mean it. GO!” My tone was mean that time. And he turned and ran (Chapter 1, pgs. 19-‐20).
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WORKS CITED
Mistborn: The Final Empire by: Brandon Sanderson
Sanderson, Brandon. Mistborn: The Final Empire. New York: Tor, 2006. Print.
How to Write Young Adult Fiction for Dummies by: Deborah Halverson
"Writing Young Adult Fiction For Dummies [Paperback]." Writing Young Adult Fiction For
Dummies: Deborah Halverson, M. T. Anderson: 9780470949542: Amazon.com: Books. N.p., n.d. Web. 07
June 2013.
Fablehaven by: Brandon Mull
Mull, Brandon. Fablehaven. [Salt Lake City, Utah]: Shadow Mountain, 2006. Print.
How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy by: Orson Scott Card
Card, Orson Scott. How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy. Cincinnati, OH: Writer's Digest, 1990.
Print.