Rethink, Reorganize, Reword, Redesign

Diane Macgregor Communications Nova Scotia PLAIN2013 Vancouver

Plain language

words and design

working together to create

clear communication

Diane Macgregor, quoted in

Michèle M. Asprey's Plain Language for Lawyers

For documents with a job to do

Your readers can

•  find what they need

•  understand what they find

•  act appropriately on that understanding

within the time and effort that they think it is worth

Janice Redish

Letting Go of the Words: Writing Web Content that Works

Plain language is an efficient, effective, and human approach to practical communication.

efficient • effective • human

Why?

efficient • effective • human

British Columbia’s Small Claims Court

Made a legal process work the the public

Claims volume increased 40%—same staff

B.C. Small Claims Court • dollar limit doubled—$5000 to $10,000

• claims volume increased by 40%

• staffing stayed the same

• staff claimed new system

worked 400% better

Well-crafted materials made a process work for the public + employees + taxpayers

efficient • effective • human

Alberta: Game Protection Animal Registration Certificate

•  track farmed elk and deer - disease

•  compliance low

•  database useless

Why didn’t the farmers comply?

•  Didn’t see a need?

•  Don’t like government?

•  Too busy?

•  Didn’t understand what the form was asking for?

What would this look like if it were designed for the farmer?

Compliance — over 95%

This level of compliance has been maintained over the last 20 years. Only program change: the piece of paper sent to the farmer Read more at www.clarity-international.net/journals/38.pdf‎

efficient • effective • human

Do we like to be • warned? • scolded? • threatened?

Communicates displeasure

Questions to ask: What do you want to have happen next? Can this approach make that happen? What will likely happen next?

Invites compliance

Now what will happen next?

efficient • effective • human •  Does it avoid wasting time and resources? •  Does it generate many calls for clarification? •  Do you get back what you need, when you

need it? •  Does it work well for everyone affected by it?—

internal and external? •  Does what you want to have happen next

actually happen? — Does it meet your communications goal?

•  Is it easy for your audience to understand, comply, submit?

•  Does it establish or keep good relationships?

rethink • reorganize • reword • redesign

How

Question everything

usability test

re-think

re-organize re-word

re-design

who why what where when how

Consider everything

usability test

purpose

audience message

voice

life cycle utility needs requirements background relationships

Keep your goal in mind

the most people in your audience

get accurate information

in the quickest time

with good recall

What do you want to have happen next?

Define a measurable goal

You want form users

to complete a task

• accurately

• on time

• with appropriate attachments

Why is that so difficult?

Why is communicating so difficult?

Humans are complex •  varied backgrounds

•  varied abilities

•  varied life experiences

•  varied needs

•  varied perceptions about the world

•  varied approaches to tasks

•  varied …

Consider your reader’s

• knowledge

• reading ability

• interest

• motivation

• circumstances

Do we have a match?

reader characteristics

+ document characteristics

prior knowledge content

reading skill

style — words; sentences

interest — internal

structure — organization; cues

motivation — external design — font; white space

î circumstances í

Consider your reader’s

• knowledge

• reading ability

• interest

• motivation

• circumstances

Purpose: communicate changes in federal legislation to those who work in the justice system

http://jlc.nscc.ns.ca/ycja/YCJA_Pocket.pdf

key audience: police

voice: clear legal language

Flip book fits in an officer’s pocket. Coil bound. Side tabs for quick reference. Adopted by most other jurisdictions in Canada. Used by judges.

Consider your reader’s

• knowledge

• reading ability

• interest

• motivation

• circumstances

Reading is hard work

Reading and spelling require a phenomenal amount of brain power. Deciphering a sentence … is the most complex task your brain faces. The reason … is that the written word is a pretty recent invention. It was invented only 5000 years ago.

John Stein

Professor of Neuroscience Oxford University Medical School

What do you read for pleasure?

Best sellers like these?

•  Ian Rankin grade 5 •  J. K. Rowling grade 5–7 •  John Grisham grade 5–6 •  Jane Austen grade 7

www.amazon.com look inside feature

Bestselling non-fiction

grade 9

Literacy statistics – IALS

words documents numbers

48% of Canadians have low or very low literacy Literacy Task Assessment Guide, 2005

statcan.gc.ca/pub/89-552-m/2007016/c-g/4054489-eng.htm

Who struggles to read?

•  10% - professionals

•  11% - university graduates

•  25% - officials and managers

Hockey icon can’t read Jacques Demers “NHL coach devised

complex ploys to hide illiteracy … even his children didn’t know”

Globe and Mail

November 3, 2005

Biography: En toutes lettres

www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBeaHwzd8jI

The Hour: Jacques Demers NHL Hero He was one of the most successful NHL coaches ever, but Jacques Demers dropped a bombshell when he admitted he can't read or write.

Who struggles to read?

•  35% - clerical and office workers

•  36% - employed in job or business

•  56% - unemployed

•  57% - immigrants

•  80% - over age 65

People hide literacy problems

“People don’t come into the office saying that they have literacy problems. People come in with health problems and it is often in trying to explain their health problems … that you be come aware that there are other issues.”

Dr. Michael Caussen

Health Literacy: Making the Connection

What is a dual-core processor?

Dual- and multi-core processors have two or more full execution cores within a single processor enabling simultaneous management of activities. In a dual-core computer chip, there are two “performance engines” that can take more data and simultaneously process the data into rich multimedia content at a faster rate.

grade 16

suitable for a techie audience

businessweek.com/stories/2006-07-17/how-intel-cuts-through-the-jargon

Readability reader + document

prior knowledge content

reading skill style — words; sentences

interest — internal structure — organization; cues

motivation — external design — font; white space

î circumstances í

How to reword that message for a wider audience

Every personal computer has a brain chip, or microprocessor. Computers used to have just one brain. Now they have two or more. With more brains, your computer can do more things at the same time. For example, it can scan for viruses while you surf the web. It can download files while you read your e-mail.

grade 4

adapted from www.businessweek.com/stories/2006-07-17/how-intel-cuts-through-the-jargon

Consider your reader’s

• knowledge

• reading ability

• interest

• motivation

• circumstances

Audience: workers in the commercial fishery

Do we have a match?

Is this a better match?

Consider your reader’s

• knowledge

• reading ability

• interest

• motivation

• circumstances

Communicates Invites displeasure compliance

Plain language consultant: Susan Barylo

Consider your reader’s

• knowledge

• reading ability

• interest

• motivation

• circumstances

Do you read the fine print?

Gamestation inserted a clause in their small print as an April Fools' Day joke:

• 12% ticked an opt-out clause

• 88% agreed to terms and conditions that included the transfer of rights to their immortal soul to Gamestation

The Simpleton: Rob Waller's information design notes

qwertyrob.blogspot.com/.../small-print-and-your-immortal-soul.html

What if big money is involved?

On completion and for a period of fifteen years from completion, the Vendor's solicitors shall on request from the Purchaser's solicitors provide on each Friday that is a Business Day a selection of sandwiches, pastries and other snacks as specified by the Purchaser's solicitors.

Apparently, a surprising number of “Friday sandwich clauses”

make it to the final draft of legal contracts.

rethink • reorganize • reword • redesign

How

Rethink •  Who are you writing to? •  Who is your most difficult client to reach? •  What is their knowledge of the subject? •  What is their reading ability?—education level,

first language, what do they read for pleasure? •  What is their interest in your topic? •  What is their motivation?—what do they want to

happen next? Why? •  Under what circumstances will they be reading

your material—standing at a counter, in the rain, at their leisure, during a busy day at the office?

•  Are they angry, upset, confused, bored, frazzled?

How a bill becomes law

nslegislature.ca/pdfs/proceedings/NS_Legislative_Procedures.pdf ���

Audience: new MLAs

What works for MLAs will not necessarily work for the grade 7 students who tour the Legislature.

10 pages explain how a bill becomes law

Intelligibility reader + document

prior knowledge content

reading skill style — words; sentences

interest — internal structure — organization; cues

motivation — external design — font; white space

î circumstances í

Shorter text supported by graphics works better

nslegislature.ca/pdfs/about/ParliamentaryDemocracy.pdf nslegislature.ca/pdfs/.../DemocratieParlementaire.pdf‎‎

Information designer Kathy Kaulbach captures the highlights graphically.

12 Winter Safety Rules 1. Don’t slide, climb, or walk on snow banks close to the road.

2. Don’t make tunnels or snow forts near the road.

3. Stay well back from plows and trucks - anything can fly off a snowplow: rocks, wood, etc.

4. Wear bright, reflective clothing when playing outdoors so you can be seen by snowplow drivers and other motorists.

5. Don’t toboggan onto the road.

6. When you’re waiting for the school bus, stand back off the road.

7. Don’t walk up behind or climb a snowplow, even when it’s parked.

8. Do not throw snowballs at snowplows.

9. Do not cross the road in front of a snowplow.

10. If the snowplow is coming towards you and you fall, get the attention of the snowplow driver so that the driver sees you.

11. Don’t push or shove your friends onto the road.

12. If you’re walking up the side of the road and you see a snowplow coming and you have to get out of the way, don’t panic, find a driveway or someplace safe to walk into to move out of the way.

173 words; grade 5

Text for a poster aimed at lower elementary students

•  Written by snowplow operators who were delivering safety talks to the children

•  Request was for a copy edit only

•  Most grade P–3 students can’t read at the grade 5 level

•  Most students won’t read past “don’t slide” and wouldn’t remember 12 safety rules

Our final version has the voice of Sammy, the young snowplow with an attitude who was featured in safety videos shown to the children during the safety campaign: 3 jingles, not 12 rules

sammysnowplow.ca/sammy.asp

rethink • reorganize • reword • redesign

How

Reorganize •  What does your reader need to know? •  What is the best starting point for them? •  What will make sense? •  How will you guide them through the information

or the process you are writing about? •  What knowledge can you assume? •  What information can you cut? — the more you

say, the less they will retain •  What will puzzle them? •  What will frustrate them?

What is it?

Gills of a poisonous mushroom

context • point of view • special knowledge

We can be too close to our material.

Think about what you are communicating and why

What do you want to have happen next?

audience

purpose message

novascotia.ca/lae/healthandsafety/docs/FishSafe.pdf

Running text is not the best way to present important safety information:

Here is the same information presented under headings: problem • hazard • warning signs • solution Both the hazard and warning signs were missing from the running text version—reorganizing helps find such gaps

Usability

reader + document

prior knowledge content

reading skill

style — words; sentences

interest — internal

structure — organization; cues

motivation — external design — font; white space

î circumstances í

Here is the text brought to life by an information designer

rethink • reorganize • reword • redesign

How

Reword •  Does your text deliver a core message? •  Does your style and tone match the needs of

your reader? •  Does your text have a consistent voice? •  Have you chosen words that your reader will

understand? If not, have you defined them? •  Have you matched the reading level of your text

with the reading ability of your audience? •  Does each sentence convey one main idea? •  Do strong nouns and verbs carry your message?

10 Tips for clearer writing •  Put your reader first.

•  Write shorter sentences.

•  Convey one main idea per sentence.

•  Use action words.

•  Use the active voice.

•  Use bulleted lists.

•  Keep listed items parallel.

•  Avoid jargon.

•  Explain technical words.

•  Write more like you would speak.

Real estate

Agents should note that effective October 15, 1990, any waiver or release by a client on whose behalf the agent is acting of the rights, benefits, or protections provided by the Act respecting the handling of trust monies is void.

40 words

reading ease 35/100

grade 18

Part of a one-page letter to real estate agents

Agents should note that effective October 15, 1990, any waiver or release by a client on whose behalf the agent is acting of the rights, benefits, or protections provided by the Act respecting the handling of trust monies is void.

What did the writer want to have happen next?

Compliance

My first plain-language intervention

What actually happened next … Staff who answered the phones were kept so busy with calls about this letter that they couldn’t get to their other work.

They asked me to intervene on their behalf.

Agents should note that effective October 15, 1990, any waiver or release by a client on whose behalf the agent is acting of the rights, benefits, or protections provided by the Act respecting the handling of trust monies is void.

40 words

26 words between subject and predicate

6 prepositional phrases

I worked with the Superintendent of Real Estate

to simplify the letter.

Your client cannot waive these new protections concerning your handling of trust money. Starting 15 October 1990, any waiver or release is void.

13 words, 10 words grade 8

Keep sentences short. One idea per sentence.

voice: clear, direct, personal

After the new version of the letter was circulated, calls for clarification stopped.

Readability

reader + document

prior knowledge content

reading skill style — words; sentences

interest — internal structure — organization; cues

motivation — external design — font; white space

Readability formulas

useful objective measure of how hard your reader must

work

to get the message, but use with caution

Scientific writing Cell cycle activity was investigated by incorporation of the thymidine analogue, bromodeoxyuridine. As regeneration proceeded, bromodeoxyuridine immunoreactive nuclei revealed cell cycle activity in cells at the distal ends of the radial nerve cord epidermis, in the coelomic epithelium, the perihaemal and water vascular canal epithelia, and in the forming tube feet of both preparations.

Scientific writing Cell cycle activity was investigated by incorporation of the thymidine analogue, bromodeoxyuridine. As regeneration proceeded, bromodeoxyuridine immunoreactive nuclei revealed cell cycle activity in cells at the distal ends of the radial nerve cord epidermis, in the coelomic epithelium, the perihaemal and water vascular canal epithelia, and in the forming tube feet of both preparations.

passive voice • verbs into nouns • prepositions

www.readability-score.com/

Write like a human being

The Department will coordinate the Widget Safety Advisory Committee and widget safety rule-making initiatives to take advantage of synergies for the purpose of improving quality of deliverables.

grade 20

rethink • reorganize • reword • redesign

How

Redesign

Make the document attractive and designed for easy reading:

• readable font — style and size

• comfortable line length — 54 to 60

• breathing space — white space

“The Ten Commandments of Plain Language Drafting”

The Decline and Fall of Gobbledygook, CBA/CBA, 1991.

The Psychologist, February 2010

thepsychologist.org.uk/archive/archive_home.cfm/volumeID_23-editionID_185-ArticleID_1629-getfile_getPDF/thepsychologist%5C0210song.pdf

How long did readers think the exercise would take? 8.2 minutes

15.1 minutes

The Psychologist, February 2010

Legibility reader + document

prior knowledge content

reading skill style — words; sentences

interest — internal structure — organization; cues

motivation — external design — font; white space

î circumstances í

Redesign •  Does your text look easy to read? •  Is the font type legible and large enough for the

target reader? •  Is the line length and spacing comfortable? •  Is text alignment suitable to the purpose? •  Does the text have good contrast with the

background? •  Are emphasizing techniques such as bolding used

to good effect—and not overused? •  Do design elements, such as colour, images, and

illustrations, support your message?

Illustrations can speak without words

novascotia.ca/lae/healthandsafety/docs/FishSafe.pdf���

Caution to motorists Motorists are advised to exercise extreme caution when travelling along low-lying sections of 100-series highways, especially when visibility is impaired by fog, haze, sea smoke, and/or other adverse weather conditions. Reports have been received of sudden contact and/or sightings with rubicund objects of the spherical variety which have suddenly come into the motorist’s path and have rebounded up and down. The said objects have been alarming startled motorists and may have been implicated in a number of adverse motor vehicle events. Caution is critical. grade 14

How can we begin to rethink this? •  Who do we need to reach?

•  What is their reading level?

•  What is their attention span for this message? Their circumstances?

•  Can we “translate” everything that is in the current document?

•  How else can we approach this?

Designer: Paul Chenard

Rethinking

Removing the faults in a stage-coach may produce a perfect stage-coach, but it is unlikely to produce the first motor car.

Edward de Bono

rethink • reorganize • reword • redesign

How to create plain language

efficient • effective • human

For more examples of savings, read Joseph Kimble’s article in

The Scribes Journal of Legal Writing

plainlanguagenetwork.org/kimble/Writing1.pdf

Why