parenting - raising resilient children

Chapter 2Developing a Happy Family: Raising Resilient Children

Dr. Karen Davies

www.ottawa-psychologists.com

Table of Contents

1. Parenting Role in Raising Resilient Children2. What is a Resilient Child?3. How do we contribute to our children’s resilience or emotional strength?4. When and how do we start to contribute to our children’s resilience?5. Parenting our Newborn Children From Birth to 18-24 Months6. Parenting our Pre-School Children Ages 2-4 Years7. Parenting our School-Aged Children Ages 5-12 Years8. Parenting our Teenaged Children9. What can we do to help our children when they are not coping well with life?

Parenting Role in Raising Resilient Children

Our children are born, and we are immediately launched on one of the most exciting,challenging and long-lasting adventures of our lives. Along with those parts of thisadventure that we can anticipate, plan for, and predict in advance, are the countlessexperiences and events that life just brings our way. As parents, we are immediatelygranted both the privilege and the responsibility of guiding our children, from the firstmoments of their lives, over the next 18-20 years, through this adventure of growing up.

What can we do as parents to ensure that our children have the best possible start intheir lives, and to best prepare them for the whole range of life experiences that they willencounter as they grow up? In this chapter, it is my wish to share with you some of whatI have learned and experienced, both professionally and personally, about one of themost challenging and rewarding of adult life experiences – raising our children.

Soon after our children arrive, we are inundated with vast quantities of information aboutloving, bathing, feeding, diapering and generally taking care of our babies. For some ofus, we're too tired to remember most of this information on the first go-round, so we pileup all the booklets and pamphlets on our bedside tables and try to make sense of themany words of wisdom and information in those few spare moments of peace and quietthat we come to treasure!

Of course, we must immediately begin to learn about the second-by-second realities ofparenting from direct trial and error as our babies need to be fed, bathed, changed andloved from the moment they are born, and they cannot wait until we've figured it all out!Fortunately, our children are very patient learners, and we have time to learn with them.In fact, just as our children grow and develop over the course of their lives, we also growand develop as their parents.

Personally, I've always been very grateful for the fact that we don't have to get it all right,all at once. Without a doubt, parenting is a big job. It is one of the most demanding andmost important jobs that many of us will do in our lives, and it is only reasonable toexpect that we will need time and experience, and sometimes a little help along the way,to develop our own best parenting styles and skills.

Even with time, experience and a little help, we are bound to make mistakes, sometimes


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lots of them! We need to learn to be forgiving of ourselves for the mistakes that wemake, and to use these mistakes as opportunities to learn something new aboutourselves and our children. The more resilient that we are able to help our children to be,the more easily they too can live with (and learn from) our mistakes.

All parents begin the adventure of parenting wanting the very best for their children.Ideally, we try to create the best physical and emotional environment possible for ourchildren, one that allows our children to grow physically strong, and emotionallyresilient.

What is a Resilient Child?

One who bounces back!! In the simplest of terms, resilient children are children who‘bounce back’. We often remark as adults how fast children seem to be able to recoverfrom physical injury or illness. As adults, we all know that the complete healing of abadly sprained ankle or a broken arm can take weeks, months, or sometimes even yearsbefore we really feel that things are back to normal.

Many of us have been amazed at just how fast a child can heal from similar injuries.Children seem to be naturally more physically resilient -- they bounce back. But suchphysical resilience doesn’t just ‘happen’. As parents, we play an active role incontributing to the general physical health and well-being of our children, and in so doingwe actively help develop the resilient qualities we see in the healing of children’sphysical injuries and illnesses.

When our children our born, we do our best to take care of all their physical needs. Weprepare rooms to receive them into, and make various changes to our homes toaccommodate the presence of our new little ones. In our quest to save them from anyphysical harm, we follow various safety procedures around our homes and in our cars.To ensure the good physical health of our children, we begin making important decisionsabout nutrition, cleanliness and medical care. We follow immunization schedules toprotect them from various childhood illnesses, and we set up regular medical check-upsto follow their physical growth and development. In providing the best physical care thatwe can, we do our utmost to keep our children well, and in so doing, we endeavor tomake them as resilient as possible to illness and disease.

Just as we participate in the process of providing for such physical resilience, we alsohave the opportunity to lay the groundwork for providing our children with a strongemotional resilience. However, this isn't done with doctor’s appointments andimmunization needles! Rather, it is done in the countless day-to-day interactions wehave with our children, beginning in the earliest days after they first come into our lives.I’ll talk at more length about this in a moment.

How Else Might We Think of a Resilient Child?

A resilient child is strong on the inside. Not tough, but strong. Strong on the insidemeans having a core set of beliefs and experiences that one is loved, valued, capable,and can recognize and trust one’s own thoughts and feelings. If a child is strong onthe inside, then that child will be much more able to withstand and bounce back from themany ups and downs that life inevitably brings.


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Sometimes these ups and downs are quite minor, although they may not feel that way atthe time: perhaps an argument with a friend, an unpleasant interaction with a grouchyteacher who is having a bad day, an invitation to a birthday party that doesn’t arrive, a

disagreement or argument with a parent or sibling.

Sometimes, though, life brings significantly more traumatic events into the lives of ourchildren: the breaking up of a family through separation and divorce, a serious threat tothe physical security of a child and his/her family, or the serious illness or even death ofa family member.

The stronger and more resilient we can help our children to be, the more able they willbe to cope with these various events, from minor to the most serious. Of course,depending on the severity of the event, the time and parental support required to getthrough the disappointment or loss will vary considerably. But each successful ‘gettingthrough’ of the small events provides our children with an ever-expanding base ofexperience and belief in their own ability to adjust and adapt to a wide range ofdifficulties and disappointments.

How Do We Contribute to Our Children’s Resilience or Emotional Strength?

Internal emotional strength develops primarily from the experiencing of ourselves aslovable, valued, capable and important human beings -- not just at individual points intime, but as part of the continuing experience of ourselves in our relationships withsignificant others. Of course, as children, the ‘most significant others’ in our lives are ourparents, our brothers and sisters, our extended family, and any others who play a part inproviding primary care to us over the years as we pass through our childhood andadolescence.

Teachers, neighbors, coaches, and friends’ parents can all play important rolessomewhere along the way in supporting the growth and development of a child’semotional strength.

Sometimes, it occurs in a child’s life where parents have serious difficulties of their ownthat limit their ability to contribute positively to the development of emotional strength intheir children. In these circumstances, growing and developing through childhood andadolescence is a much more difficult experience, and these children can reachadulthood feeling incapable of coping with some of what life brings to them.

However, even if we don’t have the opportunity to develop such emotional strength inour own families while we are growing up, it is never too late! As adults, we have toplay a much more direct and active role in learning how to develop this emotionalstrength within ourselves, and sometimes, getting some help in the process can make itmuch more manageable and even enjoyable.

If, as parents, we find that we are too often too angry, too sad, too confused, or toouncertain in our interactions with our children, then we might wisely consider speaking toa psychologist or counsellor about these experiences. These professionally trainedpeople can help a great deal with exploring just why it is that we struggle in our efforts to


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provide the best emotional support possible to our children. A family therapist orcounsellor can also be a tremendous source of guidance and assistance in learning howto deal with our children differently, more effectively, with less emotional upheaval anduncertainty.

When and How Do We Start to Contribute to Our Children’s Resilience?It is never too early or too late to take an active role in our children’s lives to significantlycontribute to their development of emotional strength and resilience. There is no singlebest ‘window of opportunity’. There are countless opportunities at every point in achild’s life for parents to provide important messages about their lovability, their worthand value, their capability and their importance.

Of course, it is important that these messages are conveyed as part of the larger contextof parenting. As parents, we must also provide the necessary guidance, instruction andmodelling (what we ourselves do) for our children to learn the difference between rightand wrong, to understand what constitutes good behavior and bad behaviour, and tolearn how to mix the child’s own individual needs and wishes with those of a larger socialgroup, such as a family, a class, or a network of friends.

No doubt, parenting is a big job. And as I mentioned earlier, it is OK if we take sometime to figure it all out. Over the next few pages, I would like to offer some ideas abouthow we, as parents, can help to make our children emotionally resilient. I am dividingthis information into sections, focusing on different ages and stages of children’sdevelopment. Feel free to read from the beginning right on through, or if you prefer, flipahead to the section that addresses the age of your own child, or a child that you know.Please note that the age ranges I provide are approximations, and I am fully aware thateach child is unique and develops at his or her own pace. In fact, what we often notice isthat even within a single child, there can be substantially different rates of developmentof various aspects of that child. That is to say, a child’s physical development mightmove along at a considerably different pace than his or her social, emotional orintellectual development.

Our babies are born, and from that first moment of life outside the womb, the very firststep has been taken toward the development of a unique, separate human being, withall of his or her unique attributes, needs, wishes, interests, ideas, capabilities, andexperiences. Of course, this is a process that takes many years, and all along the way,we parents have endless opportunities to participate in this quite amazing process. Whata gift it is to be a parent!

In truth, we may not feel that it is such a wonderful gift at every single moment! Our newbabies have many needs, and in these early months, it is our job to meet these needs aswell as we can. Our new babies need to be held, fed, bathed, and changed, at veryfrequent intervals it seems, and just as often in the middle of the night as in the middle ofthe day!

In addition to our babies’ needs to be physically cared for, our babies need to be lovedand cherished. To love and to cherish is to value, respect, nurture and supportunconditionally the healthy growth and development of our children. This is the verycornerstone of the relationship between parents and children, and it’s something that webuild on throughout our lives together.


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In the first few months, our babies have no ability to discriminate needs from wishes.That is, they simply experience a state of needing some kind of care and comfort, andthey literally cry out for it. Some babies are louder than others, some are more persistentthan others, but they all try in some way to bring a caring adult into their company tomake them feel better.

Parenting our Newborn Children From Birth to 18-24 Months

Some babies sleep a lot, some sleep very little. Some babies need lots and lots ofphysical contact, others need less. Many babies need feeding very often in the first fewmonths as their stomachs are so tiny that they can only manage very small quantities offood at each feeding time. Some babies need lots of stimulation in the form of peopleand things to hear, see, and touch, while others need less.

Our task as parents, even in these very early months, is to begin to learn about theunique needs of our baby. Who is this tiny little creature, and what makes him or herspecial and unique? As we begin the task of parenting our babies, we become studentsof our children’s development. In our efforts to learn about our children, we convey afundamental respect for them as little human beings in their own right, with a developingset of their own likes and dislikes that are not necessarily the same as ours. The olderour children get, the more aware we will become of the dissimilarities between some oftheir interests and preferences, and our own (just ask any parent of an adolescent!).

Over the longer term, the better we come to know and understand the individualuniqueness of each of our children, the better are our chances of supporting andencouraging them to be all of what they might be, and to feel happy and satisfied withmost of the choices they make throughout their lives. Perhaps this is the greatest gift ofall that we as parents can give to our children.

For many of us, it is quite easy to recount at some later point in time certain uniquecharacteristics or behaviours that we noticed in our child almost from the day he or shewas born. Different levels of activity in responding to the environment can be seen rightfrom birth: some babies are more content to quietly watch the world go by around them,while others are constantly trying to actively engage with the world from very early on.Also in these early days, we see different levels of reactivity to change: some babiesconstantly seek out new sights, sound and touch, while others react with varyingdegrees of distress at even the smallest of changes.

Somewhere in the first 4-6 months, and every baby is different in some way, together,we and our babies discover that we establish some kind of pattern or routine to theirsleep, eat, and play schedules. While trying to meet the many needs of our new babies,even from the beginning, we have to find a way to fit their needs in with some of ourown. We too must eat, sleep (do brand new parents ever get enough sleep?), work, takecare of our homes and other children, and play (or relax!), although in the very earliestmonths it can seem quite a challenge, if not impossible, to fit everything in.

Usually by around 6 months of age, things settle down somewhat, but our babiescontinue to be completely dependent on us to provide for all aspects of their physicaland emotional care. Our babies grow increasingly interactive with us and the world


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around them. They still do not have any understanding of the difference between a‘need’ and a ‘want’ -- everything is still experienced as a ‘need’ – although clearly we cansee them learning and responding to different behaviours of ours.

We also come to learn what our babies like and don’t like, and ideally, we are able toplay with them and tend to their needs in ways that mostly bring them comfort andenjoyment. Again, we see individual differences very early: some babies like to sleep ontheir sides, some on their stomachs; some babies like to be carried facing into ourshoulders, others prefer to be held more in a rocking position; some like the motions of ababy swing, others prefer more stationary positions; and I could go on and on.

Throughout the first year, we learn vast amounts about who our children are. Inrecognizing and respecting the uniqueness of each of our children, and responding tothis as best we can, we convey to our children that they are important and valued littlepeople. By taking pleasure in each of their accomplishments along the way, we conveyto them that they are capable. By doing our best to respond to their physical andemotional states and needs, we provide them with a sense of security and certaintyabout their lovability and their importance in our lives.

In the latter part of the first year and throughout the second year of their lives, we watchwith amazement, the incredibly fast pace of development as our children become moreand more mobile, and more and more vocal. Now, we must be ever watchful to ensurethat they can explore the world safely. We establish rules and boundaries about wherethey may safely go, and what they may safely do. We also begin to teach our childrenthe meaning of yes and no. As developing little people, they don’t just automaticallyknow what is OK and what is not OK.

Throughout the years of our parenting, we are both students and teachers of ourchildren’s development. In these early years, our children rely on us completely toprovide them with a sense of physical and emotional safety. While we encourage ourchildren to explore and experience their world, and express their own emerging thoughtsand feelings about it, we must also provide them with limits that ensure that they are notoverwhelmed by physical dangers or excessive emotional intensity.

We have all seen two year olds completely ‘beside themselves’ in a fit of rage orapparent ‘desperation’. It is, at times, not possible for little children to manage theintensity of their feelings. If they are tired, and/or hungry, it becomes an even moreimpossible task! At these moments, children must depend on their parents or caregiversto provide them with comfort and soothing and emotional control.

Quiet words, a gentle touch, reassurance that the adult will take care of things: all ofthese will help to settle an upset child. Sometimes simply removing a child from a difficultsituation is enough to calm things down. Sometimes it is helpful to give a child a littlequiet time to him or herself. Again, as students of our own children’s development, wecan learn through experience what works best for which of our children, as each isdifferent from the other.

It is important to understand that little children are not trying to be emotionally out ofcontrol. They truly cannot help it. Managing emotional reactions is something that we alllearn throughout the course of growing up. We have to allow our little children time and


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experience to learn about their own feelings and reactions. If we react with emotionalintensity (angry, impatient or critical), it is like throwing a lit match into the gasoline!The situation becomes far more difficult to settle down, and children perceive that thereis something fundamentally wrong about them that has triggered such an intensereaction in their parent.

As we teach our children about the world of feelings, and how to experience and expressthem safely, it is also essentially important that we provide validation and confirmationof the feelings that they do have. Learning to recognize and trust our own feelings has itsvery roots in these early childhood experiences with our parents. If we can come torecognize and trust our own feelings, we can listen to them and use them as guidepostsin making important decisions that shape our lives as we grow up.

Parenting our Pre-School Children Ages 2-4 Years

Up until this time, we the parents and caregivers have played the most central role in thelives of our children. Our children have been completely dependent on us for virtually allof their care. Most of their experience of the world and of themselves has centeredaround their experiences and interactions with us.

During these pre-school years, children often become more involved with other childrenas they join nursery schools, play-groups, and various other pre-school programs. Theworld of the small child expands dramatically, and we see leaps and bounds being madein social development. Again, social skills, how to get along with others in cooperativeand mutually satisfying ways, are skills that are learned. As parents, we also areteachers of social skills, although the job is shared by others as well, if our childrenspend time with other groups of children.

These are very important years for the continuing development of a sense of oneself asa lovable, important, valued and capable little person. Young children are trying outnew activities and skills at a tremendous rate. As any parent will agree, these are theyears for an ever expanding array of creative productions: arts and crafts of all sorts andsizes, creations in the sand and in the water, and with any kitchen ingredients thatchildren can get their hands on!

Children are growing increasingly physically competent, and they take great delight inwalking, running, jumping, and in any other ways, moving through space, exploring theirworld and their expanding capabilities. It is usually a time of high energy and unbridledenthusiasm. As parents, we can often only marvel at what seems to be a never-endingsource of creative and active energy. If only we could recapture a small portion of that inour later years!!

During this period, children have a tremendous need to have their new skills andaccomplishments recognized and applauded by the people around them, especially bythose people who are most important in their lives. Thus, we hear the endless refrains of‘watch this’, ‘watch me jump’, ‘look at my picture’, ‘do you like my sand castle?’, ‘doyou want a mudpie?’ And I rather expect that you could add at least another 1000examples from your own experiences with your preschool child!

Yes, this is attention getting behaviour, of the very best kind! During these years,


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children are more actively experiencing themselves as growing, creating, producing,performing, interacting, physically adventuresome little people. And while they aretrying out all of these new things, they are looking to the significant adults in their livesto celebrate their growth and development with them.

It is the positive, affirming responses that we offer back to our children during theseyears that form the very solid foundation for their belief in themselves as valued,capable, and important people. We take note of the things they do and theaccomplishments they experience, and in so doing, convey that they matter to us. Wecongratulate them on their efforts and on their many newly acquired abilities, and indoing this, convey that they are absolutely capable of trying and learning new things.The more of this positive affirmation that we can provide during these early years of ourchildren’s lives, the better we help to prepare them for what lies ahead. If they feel sureand confident about their abilities to try and learn new things in these early years whenmost children have an abundance of energy and desire to learn, we help them to believethat it is OK throughout their lives to try new things.

At the same time that we try to provide a fairly steady level of positive affirmation, wemust also be attentive to our role as teachers of ‘good and bad’, and ‘right and wrong’.All children need the structure and guidance of their parents’, teachers’, and caregivers’authority to teach socially and personally appropriate behavior. Fair limits need to be set,and appropriate consequences need to be assigned when children’s behavior goesbeyond those limits.

It is absolutely reassuring to children to know that limits exist, and that the adults areable to keep things from getting out of control. These are essential lessons in learning togrow up in a world full of people, where respect for the needs and wishes of others mustbe learned along with the confirmation, recognition and understanding of one’s ownneeds and wishes.

Small children are generally like little sponges when it comes to learning new things, butit is reasonable to expect that they will need many repetitions of an experience beforethey get it just right. This applies both to new skills and accomplishments, and also tolearning about rules and consequences. Remember, we have lots of time to teach andlearn from our children, and it is OK to go slowly. If they don’t learn a particular skillor lesson the first or second time around, trust me, you will get many, many moreopportunities to help them try it again.

Little children are not little adults. They can’t and they don’t think like us; they haven’thad years of experience yet, like us; they don’t have adult capacities to figure things out.It is very important that we not place adult expectations on them to know and understandas we do. When expectations are too high, children can only experience repeatedfeelings of failure and disappointment.

Parenting our School-Aged Children Ages 5-12 Years

During these ‘middle’ years, we continue to watch our children’s interests, activities, andabilities grow and expand. Their social world plays a larger and larger role in their lives,and their immediate needs of us slowly, gradually begin to diminish. Many parents speakof large portions of these years to be the ‘chauffeur’ years. Our children become more


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and more involved in the outside world, and a big part of our parenting is to get them towhere they need to go!

Our children are still trying new things, and continue to need our support,encouragement and positive affirmation of the efforts they make. But the requests forsuch affirmation don’t usually come as fast and furiously!

As our children’s abilities to understand expand dramatically, they begin to try to makesense out of many of the experiences they have, and of the things they observe aroundthem. Our conversations with our children take on a different tone as we try to answertheir questions, and help them struggle to grasp some of the more difficult things in lifethat they become aware of during these years.

Sometime during this period of development, our children figure out that we are notperfect, that we do not know everything, and that there are some questions for which wecannot provide the perfect answers. It is often a time in our relationships with ourchildren that we begin to be a little more aware of who we are as individuals in theserelationships. We are not just moms and dads, but also individual human beings with ourown needs, wishes, interests, thoughts, ideas and personalities.

Our children become more aware of our imperfections, and if we have given thempermission to speak their minds, they will begin to reflect back to us certain truths aboutourselves. This can be quite exciting if we are open to learning more about ourselves aswell as our children, or it can be quite unnerving! Or, it can be some of both!If we, as parents, can acknowledge some of our own imperfections and essentialhumanity to our children, and take responsibility for our own parts in both the things thatgo well, and also in the conflicts that we will inevitably have from time to time, we canteach our children through direct experience that both persons in any relationship playan ongoing role in how the relationship develops.

Learning to take responsibility for our own behavior (the great stuff, the good stuff,and the not-so-good stuff) helps to teach our children not to automatically blame otherswhen things do not go well. In these middle years, friendships form, and shift, andreform again. Some children are fortunate enough to have one or two steadfast andreliable friends with whom they learn many of the ups and downs of interpersonalrelationships during these middle years of childhood. Where possible, we as parents canhelp to support and encourage our children’s friendships with others by assisting insetting up ‘play dates’, so that children have opportunities for one-on-one play times inaddition to the larger group play experiences that occur in the classroom and out on theplayground.

Again, these are important years for learning how to work things out in personalfriendships. If we are willing to be available, our children will look to us for guidance,support, understanding and encouragement. Remember, it does take time, and ourchildren are generally ready and willing to learn! We have had more experience thanthey have so far, and sometimes we do have some useful words of wisdom. Sometimes,our children just need someone to listen patiently, and provide them with a safe place totalk through some important experiences in their lives.

By taking the time to talk and listen, we continue to convey to our children that they are


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important in our lives. Listening, without judging, to their various thoughts andfeelings acknowledges that they too have something of value to contribute to ourconversations and in a greater sense, to our lives. Supporting them in their variousendeavours, whether academic, musical, sports-related, or creative, is a continuedconfirmation of our belief in their capabilities.

Encouraging our children to find and pursue interests and desires that are uniquelytheirs is another important task of parents during these years. Sometimes, it can be alittle tough to separate out what we wish for our children, and what truly reflects ourchildren’s own best choices for themselves. It is OK if this is something of a process bytrial and error that takes place over a number of years. Trust me, if your child hasn’tfound his or her ‘best thing’ by the time they are 6 years old, all is not lost.

These days, we have access to so many activities for our children that we can feeloverwhelmed both by the sheer extent of the choices available, and the idea that ourchildren need to be exposed to everything before they reach the age of 10. During theschool year, 2 or 3 extra actives outside of school are certainly enough for the vastmajority of children. Some children are quite content with 1 or 2.

If you can determine what is the best fit for your own child, in terms of variety andintensity of extracurricular activities, then these activities will provide enrichment andpleasure for everyone. If you mistakenly choose too many or too few, too challenging ornot challenging enough, there will be resistance and perhaps even conflict around yourchild’s continued participation. Again, if we get it wrong at one point in time, we cansimply adjust accordingly for the next ‘sign-up’ period.

Children do not have to proceed through all the levels of all the activities that they try,but when they do find something that brings them a sense of joy, satisfaction, andaccomplishment most of the time, then it is wise to encourage them to pursue this to thebest of their ability.

It feels good for children to find something that they enjoy and at which they experiencesome success. These experiences provide opportunities for children to discover andsubsequently believe in their ability to try and learn new things. This provides a basis ofself-confidence that carries children comfortably into new experiences throughout theirgrowing up. Of course as adults, we know that life brings a never-ending stream of newexperiences: some exciting, some frightening, and some unfortunately traumatic.

Parenting our Teenaged Children

Our children enter adolescence, and a new adventure of parenting begins! During thesenext few years, our children are making their passage from the world of childhood intothat of adulthood. It’s a time that can be full of energy, optimism, and the belief inlimitless possibilities. It can also be a time of struggle, uncertainty, and considerableconflict. This can be conflict between parents and their adolescent children, or conflictwithin the adolescent themselves, as they begin to grapple with some of the largerissues in the world.

Over the course of their adolescence, the child’s world expands enormously, and inthese days of massive access to information, and the amazing speed of transfer of


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information, adolescents are becoming greatly aware of the world around them,including much that is fascinating and beautiful, and much that is quite terrible.

These are the years for young people to strive for increasingly greater amounts ofindependence and responsibility, and individual decision-making. Many adolescentslook more to their peer group than their parents for some of their discussions anddecision making, as they understandably experience their peers to be more similar tothem. These are also important years for adolescents to begin to explore the possibilityof more intimate relationships. The emergence of strong sexual feelings presents awhole new world to discover and explore and make some important decisions about,and for parents to lose sleep over!

For parents, one of the toughest parts of adolescence is to watch our children make‘mistakes’, particularly when we are certain that we could protect them fromexperiencing the unpleasant consequences of such mistakes. Yet, even as youngerchildren learn from trying, sometimes failing, and trying again, so too do adolescents.The parent who can resist the temptation to say “I told you so” conveys to their teenagedchild a basic trust that he or she is quite capable of learning well from their mistakes.One of the biggest challenges of parenting adolescents is to find that ever-moving bestbalance between ‘letting go’ and ‘holding on’. Rules and consequences are in a semipermanent state of change, but it is important that parents continue to providereasonable and fair guidelines that allow all members of a family to live within anatmosphere of trust and respect.

Adolescents continue to need the presence and security that their parents can bestprovide, but they also need many opportunities to try new things on their own, and thendraw their own conclusions about their experiences. Certainly, it can be enormouslyhelpful to begin to learn and interact with the larger world out there with the security ofhome and caring parents safely in the background.

If children have come to adolescence with a pretty solid foundation of belief in theirown capabilities, belief in their fundamental value and importance in the world, anda reasonable ability to identify and trust their own thoughts and feelings, the passagethrough adolescence is going to be dramatically easier. Not that it will occur withoutincident, but it is far less likely that these adolescents will find themselves dramaticallyoff the general course in life that they have chosen.

Keep talking with your adolescent children – not at them, but with them. Try to listen towhat they have to tell you, and remember that they too are still trying to work out theirway in a much more adult world.

What Can We Do to Help Our Children When They are Not Coping Well WithLife?

Despite our best efforts to nurture and support our children’s emotional resilience,sometimes it does occur that our children struggle with something in their lives.

We might see a change in their sleeping habits: they may have difficulty fallingasleep, or wake up more frequently during the night looking for company andcomfort, or wake up very early in the morning and be unable to fall back asleep.


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We might see a change in eating habits: a sudden increase or decrease inappetite, or a dramatic change in food preferences.

Sometimes when our children are not coping well with something, we see achange in behavior: they might become more rebellious, seemingly rude andoutspoken, or they might become increasingly withdrawn, quiet and generallyless involved with the normal activities of their lives.

Sometimes, when things are not going well, our children may appear to be moreemotionally fragile. Tempers may flare, or tears may come more readily.Sometimes, our children can simply tell us that something is bothering them: thatthey are feeling sad, or angry, or confused about something in their lives.

When we become aware that all is not well with our children, the best thing to do is tolisten, as carefully as possible, to what they might try to tell us, without judgment or

criticism. If we are able to understand the nature and extent of their concerns, we maybe able to offer some gentle guidance, reassurance and support.

Has there been some significant event recently that they are trying to make sense of?When major changes happen in children’s lives, children do need time to adjust. Theyneed time to think about what’s happened, talk about it, and take some kind of action tohelp calm and soothe themselves in the face of the change.

Significant life events include: the serious illness or death of a family member or closefamily friend; serious marital conflict or other conflict within the family; separation ordivorce; moving to a new home in a new neighbourhood or city; and change in theeconomic stability of the family.

Sometimes the significant event is something that a child has only thought about,imagined, or misperceived or misinterpreted from something that has happened orsomething that they expect to happen. These ‘internal’ events can be much moredifficult for parents to know about, but if we are patient, and give our children theopportunities to voice their thoughts, feelings, and ideas, these events may be brought tolight.

Whatever has risen up to bring about any lasting distress in our children, we can besthelp our children by making the time available to listen carefully, to convey anacceptance of the range of thoughts and feelings they might express, and to participatewith them in looking for ways to calm their upset feelings. If signs of our children’sdistress continue on over a period of weeks, and we are unable to determine the sourceof distress and/or the means to alleviate it, there is help available.

A call to your family physician can be the first step in making contact with aprofessionally trained counsellor, social worker, or psychologist who has experience withchildren and adolescents of various ages. You might also consider speaking to theprincipal of your child’s school, as many school boards now do provide some access toprofessional counselling services.

If your family physician is not able to make an appropriate referral for you, you cancheck in the local yellow pages for the phone numbers of the national, provincial or statereferral services (for psychological services) in your region. Of course, if you have a


Dr. Karen Davies


friend who has had a good experience with a professional counsellor or therapist, youmight consider discussing this with them.

We cannot expect ourselves to be able to provide for all of the physical health needs ofour children, and sometimes we must seek out the assistance of appropriately trainedmedical personnel. Similarly, it can happen that we need professional assistance intending to the psychological and emotional needs of our children. When help is needed,the earlier the better. Often the help that we do get in dealing with our children’s distressprovides us with new opportunities to learn about ourselves, our children, and how wemight all cope better when life brings us difficult and stressful experiences.

Summary

Resilient children are children who believe in themselves as lovable, capable, valuedand important people who can recognize and trust their own thoughts and feelings. Theycan:

forgive themselves when they make mistakes, they won’t give up without making a decent try, they can soothe themselves when they are upset, they can ask for help when they need it, they can take responsibility for their own parts in making relationships with others

go well or not so well, and they can mostly make good decisions for themselves, or live with the

consequences of less-than-perfect decisions.

The more resilient that we can help our children to be, the more able they will be to getthrough the ups and downs and changes that life brings along.

parenting - raising resilient children

Health & Medicine