raising drug-free teens - parenting e-book

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The Big QuestionsAbout Teens, Alcohol, and Other Drugs

By Jeff Wolfsberg


What are the warning signs my child is using drugs?

This is a difficult question because many of the characteristics of being an adolescent resemble drug use. If I were to say, “Look for abrupt changes in mood, appetite or social affiliations,” most of you would run screaming home assuming your kids were on drugs. Teens are often able to disguise the physical damage and attributes associated with substance abuse, because they are young and resilient. Adolescents tend to bounce back faster from a night of drinking than adults do. The mere fact that you asked the question is a healthy sign that you are making room for the idea that your child could be using drugs, including alcohol. As long as your feeling does not grow into paranoid intrusiveness, then I think it is a healthy dose of realism on your part. I’ve met parents who’ve said, “I know my daughter and she would never do drugs.” That statement always worries me.

My work with independent school teens has made me wonder whether they are more at risk than their public school peers. I met a young lady name Loren (name changed) who approached me after class and said, “I smoke pot (long pause), and I don’t think it’s working out.” Curious I asked, “What do you mean by not working out?” “Well, my grades are fine, athletics are going well, my teachers like me, and my parents and I get along well too, but…” “But what?” I asked. “Smoking weed is the only think that makes me happy.” Loren, like many independent school students I meet, is intelligent, socially savvy, and has all the pretenses of a successful student. In many ways, her gifts disguise her developing emotional and psychological reliance on marijuana. I am sure many of the adults in Loren’s life would be surprised to learn about her relationship with marijuana, especially her parents. I feel that there are always clues if the parents want to look.

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Behavioral checklists for teen drug use can stretch for miles. I can save a lot of time by simply stating what I consider to be the most salient signal, your intuition. Far too often when it is discovered that a teen is harmfully using alcohol or other drugs, inevitably someone will say, “I felt that something wasn’t quite right.” With your intuitive voice as your guide, here are some additional signs to look for:

• An over-developed sense of privacy• An avoidance of high commitment activities (school and family)• An abnormal clash with family values, rituals and beliefs beyond the normal (you define

normal based on previous behavior)• A slide in school performance like academics or not participating in a sport they had in the

past with little reason for it. • Preoccupation with drug related lifestyle (music/clothing/literature/speech/posters/

paraphernalia)

It is important to realize that these signs can be indictors of many other non-drug related issues. You may want to keep this in mind if you decide to speak to your child regarding the changes you see in his/her behavior. Avoid using accusatory and judgmental language. Your concerns should be about observable behavior. I would not speculate as it will only encourage debate and defensiveness. The signs may be normal adolescent moodiness, the emergence of a learning disability, social problems at school, or just a bad hair day. I want to emphasize my personal belief that if you have concerns about what you see in your child’s life, you have the responsibility to speak up and express those concerns. If the issue is drug use, then you may be the only one to express concern. It will not be her pot-smoking friends. Sometimes, just by pointing out what you are seeing can influence your child to make better decisions. Bringing what your child thought as disguised behavior into to the light of day can be an intervention. The cynic reading this will say, “Yeah, but then the kids will get better at hiding it.” True, that could happen. But not saying anything will not change conditions either. I met a young man who was a sophomore at the time. He told me that he smoked pot on and off throughout ninth grade. He said he stopped recently, and I asked him why. “My parents made it such a hassle. They were always up when I came home, consistently checked on my whereabouts, and were really involved in my school life. I was putting so much energy into not getting caught that I realized it wasn’t worth it anymore.” Nice job Mom and Dad!

If your teen does not offer a reasonable explanation for these mood or behavioral changes, you may want to become more vigilant about their comings and goings. Do not be afraid to consult the school counselor or get feedback from your teen’s school advisor. You don’t have to say, “Hey, I think my kid is smoking pot.” But you could start gathering more information to inform your growing concern and guide your next step. It is important to remember that when a teen’s drug use is recognized by the adult community, it usually has been going on for some time. Discovering paraphernalia in the teen’s bedroom, a beer cap in the back seat of your car after your child borrowed it or the smell of marijuana on the teen’s coat is not likely to be the first time as many adolescents will claim - and too many adults are willing to believe. Hopeful thinking, “Maybe this is the first time?” is usually just that – hopeful thinking. Teen drug use can grow fast and furious in the cover of darkness, pretense, and denial. Do not offer the fertilizer of embarrassment and shame.


Unlike with adults, it is difficult to assess the severity of the drug use with adolescents. There are distinct differences between adult and adolescent substance use. For example, an adult who drinks in the morning to stave off withdrawal symptoms or to face the day would strongly suggest a dependency. Yet, a child using before school may be an indicator of dependency, a cool thing to do, a dare, or extremely bad judgment influenced by peers. An adult hiding alcohol or other drugs is showing a sign of dependence, but this is common behavior for adolescents. Parents who discover that their child has been using chemicals should consider having an assessment by a trained substance abuse counselor. I do not recommend the family pediatrician for this assessment unless your pediatrician has a chemical dependency background. The substance abuse professional will be able to recognize signs of denial and be better prepared to discuss treatment options if necessary. I will add a bit of caution here, because the counselor may tell you that he or she thinks that the problem has not progressed to dependency, does not mean the child is out of the woods. Counselors are trained professionals, not mind readers. They can only work with what they are told. If ongoing counseling is suggested for the adolescent, I would encourage parents to attend counseling sessions as well. A child using alcohol and/or other drugs is a family issue. Unless everyone is willing to look at the family dynamics that may be creating, enabling, and influencing the drug use, then the behavior is being superficially treated.

“What do I do if I catch my child using drugs or drinking?”

“What do I do if I catch my child using drugs or drinking?


In a recent study comparing traditional adolescent substance abuse treatment options, such as individual and group therapy with family-centered therapy, the traditional approaches of individual and group therapy showed significantly poorer results. In other words, don’t dump your kids off at the rehab or therapy session and say, “Fix’em!” Adolescents have a much greater chance of returning to a healthy lifestyle when the adults in their lives are engaged in the process. Adolescent substance abuse occurs within a system of enablers – peers, school, parents, and potential community enablers like law enforcement – it takes a system to break a system.

Privacy is an understandable concern for many parents when the use of substances is discovered. However, I would encourage parents to share part or all of the substance abuse assessment with the child’s school. School Counselors, Advisors, and Deans can be supportive allies in a student’s and family’s response to substance use. Adolescent substance abuse is a systemic problem occurring within several domains: school, community, family, and peer group. In an effort to intervene effectively, the more healthy the domains that are working together in a collaborative effort are, the more effective the intervention. This is often referred to as recovery capital.

I often recommend an “assess and meet” approach following substance related policy violation. Set up a meeting among the parents, student, school representative (Counselor, Advisor, Dean) and therapist to chart out a course of intervention, restoration, and to clarify “what next” and “what if” options if the teen begins to slip back into unhealthy patterns.

It is very difficult for most parents, and even schools for that matter to view an adolescent getting caught using substances as an opportunity, but it is. Consider that most adolescents who get harmfully involved in substances are using drugs two years before the adult community catches wind of it; a school violation, arrest, or none fatal hospitalization, often indicate that the adolescent is getting careless. It is an opportunity to provide an early intervention in the form of counseling and assessment.

Knowledge that your child is involved in substance use is frightening. With proper assessment, assertive action, and a willingness on the part of the parents to explore the family dynamics that may be supporting and enabling the use, families can heal and emerge stronger from the experience.


There is a big difference between snooping and exploring a concern. I think it is important to respect and honor your child’s privacy. If you expect your teen to respect yours, then your teen deserves the same. I do not agree with “my house my rules” mentality that can justify boundary intrusions. Effective communication will allow you to gain most of the information you need to address any concerns. The need to snoop usually means a disconnection in the amount of effective communication and trust in the home. There are limits to my belief. I think if your teen has a history of suicide, or if there is a pattern of behavior that indicates violence or substance use, then safety concerns trump honoring privacy. If you have concrete observable concerns or some proof “found a marijuana pipe”, then breaking privacy feels appropriate. Without these elements, I feel that the violations can have the opposite effect and promote secrecy.

While I was growing up, my Dad was an intrusive man. To his credit, he has learned to be more aware of boundaries and to honor them. I remember in high school getting my own post office box in order to get my mail so that Dad would not read it. He always claimed, “I thought it was mine.” One Saturday I bumped into my two brothers at the post office – all of us furtively checking our own post office boxes. A parent who violates boundaries without cause can create a scenario where alcohol and other drug use becomes the “private ownership” of the adolescent. I remember thinking in high school when drinking, “This is mine.” I felt determined to have a piece of my life that was mine. Teens need personal privacy to create autonomy and sense of self.

Boundary intrusions are often about control. Be honest with yourself when deciding whether to enter your teen’s room, check their pockets, or search his/her car. Is this behavior short-cutting the need for better communication? Inspecting a room, looking through a backpack, or checking the pockets of discarded clothing should have justified reasons such as a history of behavioral problems and/or present signals of use.

Is okay to snoop in my daughterʼs room looking for alcohol or drug use?

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“Finally, someone who's talking about teens who knows about teens. I've read books and attended conferences with speakers from this university or that clinic, but you wonder "do these people actually talk to kids" You can tell Jeff works with kids a lot, he gets it, and thus helps.”

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I hope you enjoyed and found the information in this E-book helpful. If you would like more information to assist you in raising drug-free children, I encourage you to invest in our double audio CD with over 2 hours of advice and support. Listen in the car or while exercising. The following questions are answered:

• What do you tell your children about your own history with alcohol and other drugs!

• How to start a conversation with your teen about alcohol and other drugs?

• How to teen-proof your home. • What can you do in your local community to reduce underage drinking and teen drug use.

• Is it okay to drink in front of your children?• How soon should I begin talking to my children about alcohol and other drugs?

• And more...

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raising drug-free teens - parenting e-book

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