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The Science of a Great Relationship

April 29th, 2011

Christine Carter & Fred Luskin

University of California, Berkeleywww.greatergoodscience.org

A Roadmap• The state of the American committed

relationship (Fred)

• Why romantic relationships matter (Fred)

BREAK 10:30 to 10:45

• The difference between happy and unhappy couples (Christine)

LUNCH: 12:00 to 1:00 (on your own – see lunch options in course packet)

The Road Continues…• How to forgive (Fred)

BREAK 2:15 to 2:30

• How to repair and apologize (Fred)

• Practical tips for a happy relationship (Christine)

BREAK 3:30 to 3:45

• More practical prescriptions (Christine)

• Closing 4:30

Goals

•New ideas and lenses

•New tools, practices, and resources

•Happier, more sustainable, and fulfilling relationships

The State of theAmerican CommittedRelationship

•Historical context: The rise and fall—and plateau—of marriage

•Divorce and cohabitations statistics

Married (Spouse Present)(53%)

Never Married(30%)

Married (Spouse Absent)(4%)

Divorced(9%)

Widowed(3%)

Separated(2%)

Cohabiting(9%)

Marital Status of Men in the United States (2000)

Source: Census 2000 & CDC. (2002). National Survey of Family Growth.

Married (Spouse Present)(50%)

Never Married(24%)

Married (Spouse Absent)(3%)

Divorced(10%)

Widowed(11%)

Separated(2%)

Cohabiting(9%)

Marital Status of Women in the United States (2000)

Source: Census 2000 & CDC. (2002). National Survey of Family Growth.

Marriage and Divorce Rates in United States (1860-2005)

Source: National Bureau of Economic Research. (2007). Marriage and Divorce.

First Marriages Ending in Divorce Over Time

Source: National Bureau of Economic Research. (2007). Marriage and Divorce.

Marriage Over the Life Cycle (1880-2000)

Source: National Bureau of Economic Research. (2007). Marriage and Divorce.

Life Cycle of Marriages (1940-1945 Cohort)

Source: National Bureau of Economic Research. (2007). Marriage and Divorce.

Cohabitation Status• Current Cohabitation

– 9.2% of males (age 15-44) are cohabiting with a female partner

– 9.1% of females (age 15-44) are cohabiting with a male partner

• Past Cohabitation

– 48.8% of males (age 15-44) have ever cohabited

– 50.0% of females (age 15-44) have ever cohabited

Source: Center for Disease Control. (2002). National Survey of Family Growth.

Stated Reasons for Cohabitation

Source: Rhoades, Stanley & Markman . (2009). “Couples’ Reasons for Cohabitation.”

n = 124 heterosexual couples

TimeTogether

RelationshipTesting

Convenience

Cohabitation Results

• Results of females’ first cohabitation

– 13.2% intact current cohabitation

– 33.6% intact current marriage

– 34.5% dissolved cohabitation

– 18.7% dissolved marriage

• Probability of female cohabitation disruption over time

– 21% broken up after one year

– 39% broken up after three years

– 49% broken up after five years

Source: Center for Disease Control. (2002). National Survey of Family Growth.

Desire for Marriage

Source: Pew Research Center. (2010). The Decline of Marriage and Rise of New Families.

n = 631 single, 206 cohabiting, 465 divorced/widowed

Reasons for Marriage

Source: Pew Research Center. (2010). The Decline of Marriage and Rise of New Families.

n = 1,306 married, 1,385 unmarried

Perceived Benefits (and Costs) of Marriage

Source: Pew Research Center. (2010). The Decline of Marriage and Rise of New Families.

“When is it easier to _____?”When:

Desires in Marriage

Source: Pew Research Center. (2010). The Decline of Marriage and Rise of New Families.

n = 1,327 husband, 1,364 wife

Satisfaction in Marriages (1973-2006)

Source: General Social Surveys, 1976-2006

“Pretty Happy”

“Very Happy”

“Not Too Happy”

Taking things all together, how would you describe your marriage? Would you say that your marriage is very happy, pretty happy, or not too happy?

Reasons for Divorce

Source: Cleek & Pearson. (1985). “Perceived Causes of Divorce.”

n = 275 male, 336 female

Males chose an average of 3 problemsFemales chose an average of 4 problems

Why Romantic Relationships Matter

• The benefits of a long-term commitment

• Marriage and health

• Marriage and happiness

Does Marriage Make Us Happier?

Or are happy people more likely to marry?

Happy and Unhappy Couples• How to tell the difference

• What doomed couples have

• There are only four different problems

• TOOL: How to pick a fight

• After lunch: What happy couples do

What Doomed Couples Have• “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (John

Gottman)

• Amplified negativity:– Criticism

– Defensiveness

– Contempt

– Stonewalling

• Couples who “escalate conflict” divorced 5.6 years after wedding

Happy Couples:

• Complain but don’t criticize

• Accept responsibility and influence

• Show appreciation (vs. contempt)

• Stay engaged (vs. stonewalling)

What Else? Other Things Doomed Couples Do

• More negativity than positivity– Low ratios of positive to negative emotions

– See their partner through mud-colored glasses

• Negative, or no, response to “bids for attention”

• High physiological arousal during conflict

Happy Couples:

• Have high ratios of positive emotions to negative ones in their interactions

• See their partners through rose-colored glasses

• Respond positively to “bids for attention”

• Keep themselves calm during conflict

All Couples Have Problems

Some couples deal with them better than others

4 Types of Problems:

1.Solvable

2.Cyclical: Upward Spiraling

3.Wounding: Downward Spiraling

4.Deal-breakers

Happy Couples:

• Have problems, but they:– Choose the “lesser gems”

– Establish a constructive dialogue

– See conflicts as specific problems to solve together

• Fight in a way that isn’t wounding

How to Fight

Turning woundingconflicts intoupward spirals

Have a Good Fight

1. Stay calm

2. Begin gently

3. State your feelings and your needs – not their deficiency

4. Consider their “triggers” or vulnerabilities

5. Resolve the conflict by accepting influence

Happy Couples:

• Accept what they can’t change, accept each other

• Feel understood and accepted even during conflict

• Communicate their acceptance as well as their complaints

Practice

• Take responsibility for your own “horseman” behavior

• Practice the antidotes– Pick an “action trigger”

– Script your change

• Categorize your problems– Establish a constructive dialogue

Important for children

How parentsfight affectskids as well

Practicing Forgiveness

• How to forgive

• BREAK 2:15 to 2:30

• How to repair and apologize

• 3:00: What happy couples do

Practical Prescriptions

Happy, sustainable,fulfillingrelationships

Your Happiness Comes First

• Change yourself, change your relationship

• Emotions are contagious

• Assess yourself:www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.e

du/testcenter.aspx

Emotions are contagious

Happy Couple How-to’s

• Be his or her biggest fan

• Recognize and respond to “bids for attention”

• Help your partner grow

• Prioritize romance and sex

• Make these things habits

Be His or Her Biggest Fan

• Always have the inside scoop

• Be a great cheerleader

• Show great admiration and sweet fondness

• Be his or her biggest fan

• Recognize and respond to “bids for attention”

• Help your partner grow

• Foster gratitude

• Make these things habits

Happy Couple How-to’s

Help Your Partner Grow• How much does being with your partner

result in your having new experiences?

• How much do you see your partner as a way to expand your own capabilities?

• How much has being with your partner resulted in your learning new things?

• How much has knowing your partner made you a better person?

Test yourself: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/12/31/the-sustainable-marriage-quiz/

Happy Couple How-to’s

• Be his or her biggest fan

• Recognize and respond to “bids for attention”

• Help your partner grow

• Prioritize romance and sex

• Make these things habits

Happy Couple How-to’s

• Be his or her biggest fan

• Recognize and respond to “bids for attention”

• Help your partner grow

• Prioritize romance and sex

• Make these things habits

THANK YOU!www.GreaterGoodScience.org

"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.” —George Sand

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