1Running Head: Parents Teaching Moral Behavior

Parents Teaching Moral Behavior

Carla J. McCoy

Unit 1 Individual Project for CSM101

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Many parents are eager to start teaching moral behavior, but that teaching is of lit-tle use if we don't first help our kids acquire the core abilities that enable conscious moral thinking. These are:

Self-control: Even if a child is taught right from wrong, it's of little value if he can't stop himself from doing the wrong thing (hoarding all the toys) and make him-self do the right thing (sharing).

Emotional regulation: A child can't respond caringly to the distress of another, behave responsibly or achieve great things if he's a constant emotional mess be-cause he's overwhelmed by his own frustration, anxiety, anger or excitement.

Conscience: As kids mature, moral decisions become more rational, but con-science is where it begins. It starts as a parent's external voice and gradually be-comes their own inner voice.

Empathy: We sometimes see initial signs of empathy in babies and toddlers. However, the ability to see another person's point of view and sympathize with their feelings requires a child to be able to understand that other people have thoughts and feelings different from their own. This isn't fully developed until around age four.

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3We don't exactly hand these tools to our children, and we can't "make" them de-velop these attributes according to our schedule; they'll do so as part of their nor-mal development. But we can help the process along by the everyday garden-vari-ety parenting that comes naturally: baby proofing your house, stopping a child from climbing up the bookcase, comforting one who's upset, pointing out to kids when their behavior is unacceptable, and saying things like "Hitting hurts people."

Some kids acquire these four behavioral attributes more quickly and easily than others. What about children who take longer? We keep trying. We do the teaching, guiding, reminding and supervising, only more often and for longer. It's not about upping the intensity. It's more about not giving up.

Great people are usually good at a lot of things. They have confidence and a sense of who they are. We can't just hand these attributes to children. They develop out of experience and opportunities that give kids a chance to learn not only what they're good at, but where their passions lie. Opportunity and experience come partly from situations we put our kids in — school, lessons, sports, programs and everyday ac-tivities like chores and helping us bake cookies.

But early in life, unstructured play is a key but sometimes forgotten aspect of devel-oping thinking and competence. As kids play, they are constantly deciding what to do, trying out ideas and seeing results. This applies to everything from a baby shak-ing a rattle to a 10-year-old Lego whiz building an ornate structure.

For instance, when Martha Whatley's son Ian was a young teen, he spent a good part of one summer making an amphibious bike, with outriggers and floats, and paddles attached to the pedals. "At the end of the summer, he managed to get it across a neighbor’s pond," Whatley says. He never used it again. This was one of several of Ian's "useless" but highly creative inventions. Another was glasses with battery-operated windshield wipers. "They were enormously silly things, but they actually worked," Whatley laughs.

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4My wife and I sometimes joke that Ian, now 19 (and a friend of one of our boys), is the teenager that middle-aged people would pick to be marooned with on a desert island. He has brains, manners and social skills, but above all else, he always seems to know what needs to done and he's ready to do it, whether it's studying, planning bike trips and band recording sessions, or simply being helpful. How he got to be this way is likely due to a combination of factors, but I'm convinced the amphibious bike had something to do with it.

Granted, most kids aren't going to do what Ian did. They'll be hockey and soccer players, guitar pickers, skateboarders, gymnasts, artists or devisers of grand Dun-geons and Dragons scenarios. The point is that when kids find and follow their inter-ests — Ian's sister is pursuing the much less wacky passion of learning to ride and care for a horse — they learn to solve problems, acquire skills and develop the self-confidence that comes from knowing you can do things that lead to results.

Whatever you do, don't let me or anyone else tell you there is only one way to raise a great kid. As Whatley says, "I know all kinds of kids. They were all raised differ-ently, and many of them are great. There isn't really a formula." All you have to do is look around a bit and you see it's true: great kids who went to church, great ones who didn't; ones who excelled in sports, others who wouldn't know which side of a baseball was up (tricky question, that); kids with strict parents, kids who grew up with very few rules.

And lastly, let's not think that a great kid is all about illustrious achievement. I re-cently met a woman employed in the relatively humble occupation of personal sup-port worker in a retirement home. She spends her days making frail, elderly people a little more comfortable. I doubt she'll ever be famous or rich. But she performs her duties with amazing cheerfulness and kindness. And she loves her job. She's found her life's work, she told me. I'll bet she was a great kid. (Stephen F. Duncan, 2008).

With rising youth violence, increasing peer cruelty, coarsening of language, a de-clining work ethic, diminished personal and civic responsibility, escalating dishon-esty, growing ethical illiteracy, and growing disrespect for parents, teachers, and other legitimate authority figures, one wonders if too little emphasis is placed on

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5morality among the young. According to a number of scholars, the answer is a de-finitive yes.

Among the most vocal and widely respected of these voices is Harvard professor Robert Coles, author of The Moral Intelligence of Children. Cole’s claims that at one time society took for granted its responsibility to help children develop a conscience or moral compass. But increasingly, "we notice [conscience] is less and less a force in the mental life of our children."

Coles argues that society has stressed "cognitive competence of a certain kind," such as doing well in math and science. And then, he says, "We emphasized that elusive quality called mental health, psychological expressiveness, and knowledge of one's emotional life. What are we going to do with all this awareness and compe-tence, and for what Moral purpose? I think that has not been stressed as much in many homes."

Moral intelligence is how we behave. Its moral behavior tested by life and lived out in everyday experience, says Coles. The development of moral intelligence is critical if we are to have a moral society.

How can we foster moral intelligence in our children? Coles believes one way is to tell them stories. In his book, he tells stories from his personal and professional life that examines "good" and "bad" children and how they became that way. He calls this "the power of narrative." Through telling stories, he says, a reader can "fit that story into his or her life."

Coles proposes that children, even infants, have the capacity to learn moral behav-ior. Adults, too, as they teach their children, continue to hone their moral code. Thus, as parents share stories with their children, everyone's moral intelligence grows.

Why are stories so effective? According to Coles, "Stories encourage the moral imagination to work, and they are concrete and connected to everyday experience. Abstract formulations and risks are in one ear and out the next, and even if we memorize them, they don't have the flesh of the daily life. Stories are based on [real-life] experience."

While stories can foster moral intelligence, they won't have much effect if parents and other adults don't set a good example. According to Coles, "Any lesson offered a child in an abstract manner that isn't backed up by deeds is not going to work very well. We live out what we presumably want taught to our children. And our children are taking constant notice, and they're measuring us not by what we say but what we do."

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6In what other ways can parents foster moral behavior in their children? Here are ideas that may help.

Be a model of the moral behavior you want to encourage. Children learn first and foremost from the example set for them by adults significant in their life. Adolescents and teenagers, especially, are likely to dismiss our pleadings for moral behavior unless our "walk" is consistent with our "talk." We are unlikely to persuade our kids to be honest if they hear us lying to the boss on the phone.

Set and enforce standards for moral behavior. A standard is a measure by which we judge our actions. Standards can help young people make decisions about moral behavior long before a difficult situation presents itself. They of-ten address issues like personal responsibility, sexual behavior, drug and al-cohol use, honesty, integrity, work, respect for others, and fairness. The stan-dards you set may be based on tradition, culture, religious beliefs or some combination.

For example, "Be honest in all you say and do" is a standard. "Keep your eyes on your own paper during school exams" is a specific action that meets the standard.

Standards help youth resist temptation. Studies show that religious commit-ment, which typically includes standards, tends to reduce drug use and delin-quency. Studies also show that enforcement is an important key to encourag-ing good moral behavior. Children whose parents strictly enforce standards about drugs are much more likely to be drug-free.

Use reasoning, not force, to encourage compliance. It's wise to encourage children's voluntary compliance with moral standards and avoid a contest of wills. Parents can achieve this goal by giving reasons and explanations for ex-pected behavior, appealing to a child's pride and desire to be grown up, and explaining the consequences of behavior for themselves and others.

Adolescents and teenagers, especially, need to understand the "why" of a moral behavior. "Because I said so" doesn't cut it for this age group. In fact, it's counterproductive because it sends the message that some dumb adults made up a bunch of rules to control their kids. Teaching the "why" helps them understand how living by standards is actually freeing because it makes their lives better and improves society overall.

When violations occur, use victim-oriented discipline strategies. Just about all young people are bound to violate moral principles on occasion, even if their parents have diligently taught them right from wrong. Part of helping young people internalize moral behavior is allowing them to experience the conse-quences of their actions, especially for others, and requiring them to make amends to the injured party of their wrongdoing.

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7For example, a father was asked by a friend, a self-employed owner of a vending company, to stock some of his snack machines for him while he was away on vacation. The father kept the supplies locked in the family van. Later in the week, the father noticed several candy bar wrappers scattered around the house. He discovered that his son had taken the candy. The father sternly explained to his son that his decision to take the candy bars was the same as taking money from his friend that was needed to feed his family. He then took his son to see the friend (the victim) and required him to confess what he had done, apologize, and pay for the candy. It cost the boy several months' allowance.

In his book, Coles refers to the "moral loneliness" of children. Children, he ar-gues, need a moral compass founded on a sense of purpose and direction in life, a set of values grounded in moral introspection, and a spiritual life sanc-tioned by their parents and others in the adult world. As parents and adults, we are poised to help provide these gifts through our moral example. (John Hoffman, 2008).

Summary

Teaching children Moral behavior requires Moral Thinking. A few important Tools we can’t exactly just hand over to our children are Self Control, Emotional Regulation, Conscience, and Empathy. These are things children need to learn. Some children will learn faster than others but they learn by gaining experience and opportunity from the situations we as parents put them in, such as school, sports, lessons, pro-grams, and yes even everyday activities such as baking, or doing household chores. Children, who find and follow their interests, learn to solve problems, gain skills, and self confidence. Keep in mind that great kids are all raised differently and don’t have to have accomplished great accomplishments or achievements to be great kids. Every child’s life is different and every child is raised different but there are plenty of children out there who turn out as pretty good kids due to the different ex-periences and events they experienced along the way.

One important thing to recognize here is that children are not the only ones learn-ing moral behavior. Adults also learn moral behavior by doing things such as simply reading stories to children. Moral development is critical to teach to children if we all want to live in a moral society, however the stories we reach to our children won’t have much effect in their moral imaginations if we as parents don’t set good examples to go along with them. Moral Behavior can be fostered in children in vari-ous ways such as setting good examples as parents, and setting and enforcing stan-dards. Setting and enforcing standards can involve things such as personal respon-sibility, sexual behavior, drug and alcohol use, honesty, integrity, work, respect for

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8others, and fairness. Standards can be based on things such as tradition, culture, re-ligious beliefs or a combination of more than one of these things. Then of course we also need to consider that there are actions that meet these standards such as teaching children to keep their eyes on their own papers during school exams. Stan-dards are good for parents to teach children because it teaches them to resist bad temptations.

We all need to voluntarily encourage our children to comply with and use reasoning in decision making and don’t’ go down the path of forcing them to comply with things we’ve taught them about moral behavior. Part of a child’s learning experi-ence will come from parents realizing that nobody is perfect and children will make mistakes and slip up at times. Parents will do well for their children to allow them to experience consequences for their actions and to teach them that they need to make amends to the injured party for their wrong doing. We as parents can help in-still good moral behavior in our children if we just take the time to pass on some of the good moral thinking that we ourselves posses. (Personal Opinion Summary - McCoy, C., 2008)

References

Grauer, R., Hulett, M., Kreba, C., Lockley, M., Mulbery, K., Scheeren, J. (2008) Explor-ing Microsoft Office 2007 Pearson-Prentice Hall

General Form for Electronic References From the 5th Edition of the Publication Manual (© 2001)

 

Electronic sources include aggregated databases, online journals, Web sites or Web pages, newsgroups, Web- or e-mail-based discussion groups, and Web- or e-mail-based newsletters.

John Hoffman (July, 2008). Giving Basic Tools for Moral Behavior. Originally Published in Today’s Parent, Retrieved 7/18/2008, from Rogers Publishing Limited.

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9Stephen F. Duncan, Professor (2008). Fostering Moral Behavior in Children. Published in School of Family Life. Retrieved 7/18/2008, from Brigham Young University.

American InterContinental University Online (2001-2008). Web Resources. 7/18/2008, from American InterContinental University Online.

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Print Resource: http://www.todaysparent.com/shared/print.jsp?content=20080421_151526_7028&page=4

Electronic Resources: http://www.todaysparent.com/lifeasparent/article.jsp?content=20080421_151526_7028&page=4

Electronic Resources: http://www.foreverfamilies.net/xml/articles/fostering_moral_behavior.aspx

Electronic Resources:https://mycampus.aiu-online.com/MainFrame.aspx?ContentFrame=/Default.aspx

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