new zealand association for christian schools principles of conflict resolution ross henson,...

new zealand association for

christian schools

principles of conflict resolution

ross henson, associateresolve consulting group

conflict with whom? • do you have anyone in your life who drives you

nuts? • maybe it’s a child, a spouse, a friend a co-worker or

a parent• picture that persons face in your mind as we begin

this presentation• How do you apply these principles of conflict

resolution to your relationship and see broken relationships become whole?

• Let’s explore the 12 steps to resolving conflict

12 steps to resolving conflictAdapted from an article by Ron Jenson:used with permission

1. Learn to embrace and resolve conflict2. Address your anger appropriately3. Seek understanding not victory4. Assume the best


5. Learn to share your feelings appropriately6. Watch your tongue. Ask, is it true, is it kind,

is it necessary?7. Speak the truth respectfully8. Attack the problem, not the person, Don’t

use “You” statements; use “I” statements


9. Deal with specific areas, not generalisations10.Seek and grant forgiveness11.Deal with conflict personally. Go to that

person. Don’t reprimand anyone in front of others

12.Be gentle. People are fragile

step 1 to resolving conflictAdapted from an article by Ron Jenson:used with permission

1. Learn to embrace and resolve conflict • How was conflict handled in your life growing up? • most of us respond to conflict the way our families did• “Fight or Flight” responses - abusive on the one hand

or run away, deny and hide on the other• Both of these processes are unhealthy and never

resolve conflict.


• So what do you do? • You commit to resolve conflict routinely • You embrace it in the way one fighter embraces

another• You try to get your arms around the conflict,

evaluate it, not waste emotional energy but use your energy for positive problem solving

• The next 11 principles will tell you how to do this:


2. Address your anger appropriately• Learn how to handle anger • First realize that anger is not bad! • In fact anger is an emotion built within you in

order to help you deal with impending danger the right way

• Let me illustrate


• You are driving on the freeway and a car pulls out right in front of you; what do you do?

• Well you may be tempted to do all sorts of childish things!

• But hopefully I let the anger I’m feeling lead me to step on the brakes, swerve and avert a fatal accident


• Your response of flight or fight however is NOT right response

• Instead, admit your anger and ask yourself what is causing it?

• Again don’t waste your emotions by moping or screaming or being resentful. Instead let all the emotional energy go toward completing the next 10 steps:


3. Seek understanding not victory• Learn to listen• That’s a killer for most of us• But you’ll never be good at resolving conflict

unless you let go of trying to always win and focus on truly understanding

• So keep your mouth shut and ask questions


• If you are feeling hurt by what someone said or did, don’t attack the person but ask questions to determine what was said and why it was said?

• Instead try to understand the other person’s perspective


4. Assume the best• Don’t jump to wrong conclusions• Instead give people the benefit of the doubt• How many times have you heard someone say

something or look at you a certain way in a meeting and you thought, “She doesn’t like me.”

• We so often squash good relationships at home and at work by assuming the worst


• This especially happens when we hear that someone has said something negative about us or what we have done

• Don’t overreact• Remember we all get and give filtered

information• So if you get disparaging reports about you

from others, check it out - assume the best


• You might want to say, “The other day a mutual friend said he heard you say, or someone else say, some unflattering things about me. I know how messages get confused when they pass through people, so I wanted to check directly with you to see if you do have any concerns and/or see any areas in my life I can work on.”

• Or you may instead just want to deck the person; but why should you stop and wait?


• First, you may have inaccurate data• Second, if you received accurate data you may

need to do some changing • Third, at the least the person knows that there

is accountability for saying those things and most likely will be more thoughtful the next time.


5. Learn to share your feelings appropriately• Feelings are often confusing• Frankly most men seldom know how they feel• for instance my wife can say something to me

that hurts my feelings and in my response I can express anger instead of hurt

• Many men react to hurt with anger. It’s easier because anger seems to us to be about you - and hurt is about us


• It’s a little too vulnerable for most of us guys to admit that what you said hurt us

• We are feeling unappreciated, disrespected and unloved.

• And this is a two edged sword:• Women can eel the same way. They feel

unloved, unappreciated, undervalued and taken for granted


• major problems in marriages can often be caused by the inappropriate management of anger, especially in the area of sharing our feelings

• It is really not about the finances, the business, the kids, the in-laws, sex or other side issues. It is about how we feel unloved, unappreciated etc.

• Here’s what we need to do:


• The next time you feel angry you need to do the following:

• Admit that you are angry. Its OK, anger is just a warning sign

• Communicate your anger to the person in this way. Say something like, “I have a problem when I heard you say…………… the other day”.

• I felt hurt, upset, unappreciated (whatever is accurate) and angry


• I’d like to work through with you what you meant, how I can change and how I can make you aware of the affect your words had on me - give this a shot.

• Don’t get discouraged if people don’t respond well

• But this will improve things even if they don’t, because it is the right thing to do.


6. Watch your tongue. Ask, is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?

• Do you know how dangerous the tongue is? It is such a little instrument like a spark of fire but it can cause huge damage

• It’s much like the rudder of a ship - so small but it can turn an entire ship


• You probably remember words a parent or others have said to you in anger

• Those words just don’t go away. They result in you feeling unloved, unappreciated, undervalued

• Well, you have the same power. So the next time you open your mouth, remember the power of your tongue


• Try these questions to guide what you say: a) Is it true?• Don’t say things like always, never, or other words that

are absolute• Say in this instance or in my opinion or sometimes etc.b) Is it kind? • Hey think about it! We should be kind• There is never a reason to be rude, obnoxious,

offensive or harmful.


• It doesn’t matter how horrible another person may be use the old golden rule here, “Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you.”

c) Is it necessary? • So often we speak just to speak. Don’t do

that. Say what is necessary. One wise leader said, “Even a fool seems wise if he keeps his mouth shut.”


7. Speak the truth respectfully• You should always be truthful - that will keep

you away from practicing flight or running away, denying or repressing conflict

• Truth is truth but much of what we think is the truth is really opinion. And each of us thinks our own opinions are the right ones

• Determine if what you’re about to say is truth or opinion.


• But even if it is just your opinion, do express how you feel about a situation

• People deserve to know what we are thinking and feeling. If you don’t do this you are bound to be stuck in the same cycle of miscommunication, hurt, frustration and other elements of pain

• By getting the truth or even your perspective of the truth on the table you are beginning to address the real issue and can get to its root.


• While you speak the truth, be respectful and treat people with dignity.

• Be kind, generous, gracious, caring in your relationships

• Being gracious will cause you not to practice flight – or demonstrate offensive, abrasive, bitter or abusive behaviour.


8. Attack the problem, not the person, Don’t use “You” statements; use “I” statements

• There are few things more harmful than attacking a person’s character

• We do this often when we try to handle conflict, the key is our language

• Don’t say “You make me so mad,” or “You are such a pain.”


• Instead use words like, “I have a problem…when I see you do this I feel…” or “it seems to me” or “I think that…” etc.

• Remember when you use “you” statements you give the impression that you are attacking the person, and can back people into a corner

• Using “I” statements give the other person some room to grow and preserves their dignity.


9. Deal with specific areas, not generalizations• There are few things worse than making

overgeneralisations• Men, don’t ever say to your wife, “You are just like your

mother.” • This is usually not complementary in the first place, and

second it is not totally accurate• Instead be specific. It is one thing for me to say to you,

“You are a liar.” How does that make you feel? Probably worthless and defensive?


• It is too general and I am attacking you• Instead I might say, “The other day when we were

in this meeting I heard you say……. This didn’t sit well with my view of the facts

• Or can you help me understand the discrepancy?” • You see, there may be a perfectly good explanation,

but at the very least, I have given you a gracious opportunity to address the real issues and clarify the problem without pinning you in a corner.


10. Seek and grant forgiveness• These are two of the toughest things to do. • It can be hard to forgive or ask forgiveness• But we need to forgive freely and

unconditionally for three reasons• First, it is the best thing for you. A great quote

says, “Unforgiveness or bitterness is like taking poison and hoping it will kill the other person”


• Bitterness is like a “root” that holds you down from achieving your own potential.

• Second, you should forgive because you free up the other person to seek reconciliation and forgiveness for him or herself

• Third, you should forgive because you are so fortunate and forgiven in so many areas of your life


• Make an inventory of all the good things in your life that you don’t deserve – wealth, health, family, friends and forgiveness itself

• You have so much do you really deserve it? • So pass a little of that grace on to other

people• Then, learn to ask for forgiveness


• Try to use the following four statements on a daily basis:

1. I was wrong to have……………………….2. I’m sorry I caused you to feel…………………3. I’ll work hard at not doing this again.4 Will you forgive me?


11.Deal with conflict personally. Go to that person. Don’t reprimand anyone in front of others

• Too often we get frustrated and go behind a persons back and complain or gossip about them

• This is cowardly behaviour• Be brave, care enough to confront


• But do it using all the principles we’ve talked about

• What if that person doesn’t respond? Then bring one or two more people with you for clarification, your goal here isn’t to beat up on the person but to provide clarity about the issues.

• You may even be wrong yourself?


• Be humble, share how you feel about the conflict and let the other person share his or her perspective

• Whatever you do, don’t embarrass people in public

• Give them the opportunity to address and resolve the issue in private first.


12.Be gentle. People are fragile• People are fragile remember that• Treat people with grace and kindness• They are fragile like eggshells• The person with whom you are in conflict may

seem like a hard-hearted jerk. But trust me they are fragile even if hardened


• So be gentle. Gentleness is the same word for meekness. Someone has said, “Meekness is not weakness.” And it isn’t.

• Meekness or gentleness means “strength under control.” So think of a wild horse whose will has been broken but whose spirit is alive and well

• You should be dynamic, powerful and intentional• Hey, your job is to speak the truth, but you

should also be gentle, kind and gracious.

summary to resolving conflictAdapted from an article by Ron Jenson:used with permission

• Don’t hold back. Be a leader and take action. • These principles take you through the process

of clarifying and resolving conflict• So now start practicing connecting with those

closest to you!

more information

Ross HensonAssociateResolve Consulting GroupP +61 430 072 593E [email protected] www.resolveconsulting.net

This presentation available online at

www.resolveconsulting.net search on NZACS

new zealand association for christian schools principles of conflict resolution ross henson,...

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