in lasting marriages authors: richard a. mackey, matthew a. … · 2019. 3. 7. · conflict...

Persistent link: http://hdl.handle.net/2345/bc-ir:100732

This work is posted on eScholarship@BC,Boston College University Libraries.

2000

Conflict-managememt styles of spousesin lasting marriages

Authors: Richard A. Mackey, Matthew A. Diemer, BernardA. O'Brien

http://hdl.handle.net/2345/bc-ir:100732

http://escholarship.bc.edu

Conflict management styles of spouses in lasting marriages

Richard A. Mackey, Matthew A. Diemer & Bernard A. O'Brien

Boston College

Correspondence should be addressed to:Dr. Richard A. MackeyGradu ate School of Social WorkBoston CollegeChestnut Hill, MA 02167-3807.Home page: www2.bc.edu/^.mackeyE-mail: [email protected]: (617) 552-6190

This article may not exactly replicate the final version published in the APA journal. It is not the copy of record. Location of Version of Record: Psychotherapy: Theory/Research/Practice/Training, 37(2), 134-148. (doi: 10.1037/h0087735)

Abstract


This paper focuses on conflict management styles of spouses in marriages that had lasted

an average of 35 years. Data about adaptation in these marriages, which included how

spouses dealt with marital conflict, was collected through in-depth interviews with 144

spouses in72 mariages. The sample was diverse in terms of race, socio-economic status

and religion. Qualitative and quantitative methods were used to analyzethe data. The

findings revealed that the most powerful factor in shaping conflict management styles in

the recent years of these relationships was the styles of managing conflict in previous

years. Based on these findings, treatment implications for marital therapy are discussed.



Conflict between spouses in meaningful human relationships, such as marriage, is

inevitable (Canary, Cupach and Messman, 1995); further, constructive conflict is not an

"oxymoron" (Markman, 1991). These two axioms, which emerged from the results of several

studies that focused on conflict in human relationships, underscore the importance of

understanding the meaning of conflict in marriages rather than to frame conflict only as an

undesirable element to be eliminated. The axioms encourage researchers to focus on styles of

conflict management between spouses. By studying marriages that last, we may learn how

spouses adapt to interpersonal conflict over time, which may assist in the development of new

models of intervention (Gottman, Coan, Carere and Swanson, 1998).

The research, on which this paper is based, started 10 years ago and has been conducted

in two phases. In phase one we focused on qualitative analysis of data from216 in-depth

interviews of spouses in 108 heterosexual and same sex relationship that had lasted more than 15

years; there have been several presentations to professional groups and; two books have been

published on that data (Mackey and O'Brien, 1995; Mackey, O'Brien and Mackey,1997). In the

second or current phase, we have re-coded the interview data so as to analyze them with

quantitative methods.

This paper focuses on the conflict management styles of 144 spouses in72 mariages that

have lasted an average of 35 years (SD 8.55). It is based on the observations of respondents

about their own styles of conflict management as well as their observations of their spouses'

stvles. l


2

The paper builds onto the existing literature on the management of conflict in marital

relationships. Most previous studies of conflibt and its management have sampled younger

subjects in relationships that have not lasted as long as those in this study. Our research focused

on styles of conflict management among spouses in middle and old age. In contrast to the

White, middle class samples utilized in many studies of marriage (Bradbury and Karney, 1998),

we focused on couples in long-term relationships who were diverse in their racelethnicity and

socioeconomic status. By design, all couples in the sample were parents, so we had the

opportunity to assess how child-rearing may have affected conflict management styles during

later years. Much of the research on this subject has employed questionnaires and scales; we

used in depth interviews to explore the perspectives of each spouse about the management of

conflict in their relationships over the years.

The goal of the paper is to identify factors that were related significantly to reported

styles of managing conflict in recent years, defined as the years after the youngest children in

these families reached their eighteenth birthday; a period that has been referred to as the empty

nest years. The paper addresses the following questions:

1. What factors were associated with the observations of conflict management styles of

respondents and their observations of the styles of their spouses among a select sample of

couples who have been together for many years?

How may the data fit with recent research on conflict and its management in marriage?

What are the implications of the findings for psychotherapy with couples?

The paper is organized as follows: our definition of conflict and its management is

presented, a review of recent empirical studies of conflict management styles among couples,

and the theoretical framework for the current study are discussed; the research methodology of

2,

3.


-1

the current study is described; the findings are discussed including logistic regression analyses of

factors that contributed to the reported conflict management styles of respondents in recent years

and their observations of their spouses' styles ; the final section discusses the significance of the

findings to psychotherapy with couples.

Defining conflict and its management

Although differences between human beings in close relationships, such as marriage,

may result in interpersonal conflict, there is no consensus in the field about the definition of

such conflict (Weiss and Dehle, L994). Interpersonal differences and the accompanylng negative

feelings appear to have a corrosive effect on the quality of relationships when they remain

unresolved. For example, Gottman and Krokoff (1989) as well as Vaillant and Vaillant (1993)

found that unresolved conflict fed and reinforced negative interactions between spouses. The

resulting defensive behaviors perpetuated dissatisfaction and esffangement between spouses.

Other researchers have suggested that interpersonal conflict may offer opportunities for

development of marital relationships if spouses learn mutually acceptable ways of negotiating

and managing differences between them (Canary, Cupach and Messman, 1995). Rather than a

threat to the integrity of relationships, conflict may be a catalyst for reaching higher levels of

adaptation.

We operationalized conflict as a state of reported disharmony in marital relationships that

developed because of differences between spouses. Conflict may have been triggered by any

one or a combination of issues such as negotiating roles, handling finances, child-rearing

practices, personality clashes, difficulties in expressing one's needs and communicating one's

expectations to the spouse. Our approach to developing an operational definition of conflict in

these lasting marriages was to ask respondents to tell us about differences and problemsin the


L+

relationships with their spouses. They were asked to describe examples of conflict during the

early, child rearing and recent years. Because all respondents reported at least minimal conflict

in their relationships, the challenge for the researchers was to assess and code the severity of

conflict. We focused on understanding disagreements from the perspectives of individual

spouses. If conflicts were assessed to have minimal impact on marital relationships, they were

coded as minor. If respondents described disagreements as highly distressing to them personally

and as having significantly disruptive effects on their marital relationships, they were coded as

major; the latter were reported most frequently during the child rearing years.

Recent research on conflict management styles

According to Canary, Cupach and Messman (1995), research on conflict management

styles has focused on three important behavioral dimensions. The first dimension identified how

individuals responded when conflict emerged; a spouse may adopt an engaging style

characteized by direct verbal confrontation of the other spouse, or he/she may attempt to avoid

face to face engagement by use of avoidant behaviors; these behavioral mechanisms have been

referred to as the fighrflight and the demand-withdrawl responses. Second, conflict

management may be characterized by the nature of affect that was triggered; commonly affect

has been classified as negative or positive. The third dimension refered to whether conflict

management behaviors were understood as constructive or destructive; if behavioral responses

repaired any disruption in relationships, they were considered to be constructive or integrative; if

responses undermined the relational connection with the spouse, then they were considered

destructive.

Based on a review of several studies, Markman (1991) hypothesized a sequential model

of conflict management that may lead to adaptation in marriages, rather than deterioration of


f

relationships. The model assumed that "all couples experience disagreements and conflict" (p.

9l), which result in negative affects, such as anger and resentment. To manage negative affects,

spouses needed to develop skills for expressing their feeling and linking them to "specific

behavioral events" and to be able to "hear and validate" the negative feelings of the spouse.

Markman posited that the handling of negative affect was "one of the key predictors" of

adaptation in subsequent years. He suggested that future adaptation was related to the skill of

wives in expressing negative feelings "constructively" and to the ability of husbands to respond

in a reciprocal manner to the initiatives of their wives. Markman suggested, further, that the

expression of negative affect that was "associated with marital distress," while upsetting at

particular points in time, may result in satisfaction with relationships in subsequent years.

Gottman, Coan, Carrere and Swanson (1998) focused on similar issues to Markman in

understanding constructive responses to conflict and the importance of gender in managing

responses to conflict. They studied the conflict management styles of 130 couples in a

laboratory setting. Based on annual observations of these couples over a six year period, this

research team reported that divorce was predicted by the following sequence of relational

behaviors: a "negative start-up" by wives in which anger occupied center stage in an encounter

with their husbands; in response, husbands refused to "accept influence" from their wives; these

initial negative encounters were followed by reciprocal negativity by wives and the "absence" of

de-escalating responses from the husbands. Happy marriages that lasted were characterized by

different processes: wives were able to initiate encounters with their husbands by constructive

expressions of affect and, husbands responded by listening to their wives and accepting their

"influence." Humor helped to de-escalate negative affect and had a soothing effect on spouses,


6

especially on husbands. Expressions of positive affect, despite the presence of conflict, were

associated with long term happiness and stability in these marriages.

Other studies have also contributed to our understanding of conflict management styles

and their relationship to stability and satisfaction in marriage. A common way of organizing data

on conflict management styles has been to conceptualize acontinuum with avoidant behavior at

one pole and confrontive behavior at the other pole (Cahn, 1990; Gottman, 1990).

Confrontation was characterized by the expression of thoughts and feelings about differences and

disagreements directly to the spouse. Cahn (1990) suggested that a confrontive style, which was

valued more highly by spouses than avoidance, increased the likelihood that differences would

be resolved and had the potential to enhance intimacy between spouses.

Avoidance involved evading face to face discussion of thoughts and feelings about

conflict. Denial, flight and fight were examples of avoidant mechanisms. As a pattern of conflict

management, avoidance has resulted in chronic relational tensions between spouses (Irvinger,

1979) and dissatisfaction with marriages (Baucom, Notarius, Burnett and Haefner, 1990). In

general, avoidant behaviors, especially when they become chronic patterns, have been predictive

of dissatisfaction with marriage (Smith, Vivian and O'Irary, l99l; Gottman and Krokoff, 1989).

Conflict management styles and gender

Several studies have found an association between gender and conflict management

styles. Wives have been found to be more likely than husbands to adopt confrontive modes of

conflict management (Heavey, Layne and Christensen, 1993; Mackey and O'Brien,1995;

Mackey and O'Brien, 1998). The explanation for these gender based patterns of conflict

management has focused on socialization experiences of males and females. Women are

socialized to develop an identity within meaningful relationships (Gilligan ,1982; Surrey, 1984).


1

Males are socialized to develop an identity that values autonomy (Levant, 1996). As a

consequence, relationships may take on different meanings to males and females. Women in

marriage may value modes of dealing with conflict that enhance expressive, direct and intimate

attachments with their spouses. Because their socialization to relational roles is different,

husbands may experience more anxiety then their wives in dealing with conflictual matters in a

face to face manner (Levant, 1996).

Another explanation for differences in conflict management styles of husbands and wives

was offered by Gottman and kvinson (1988) who found physiological differences between

males and females as they responded to stressful stimuli. Males reacted physiologically to stress

differently than women and the differences were hypothesized to shape their social responses to

conflict; they tended to adopt flight-flight responses. Because women were less reactive to sffess

physiologically, it was hypothesized that they adopted social responses that were tolerant of

negativity and of face to face modes of conflict management. However, according to Feeney,

Noller and Roberst (1998), the potential link between physiology and the social responses of

males and females to stress has not been replicated in other studies.

Regardless of the reasons for gender differences, the evidence supports the hypothesis

that husbands and wives are different in how they manage conflict. As a group, wives have

tended to be confrontive while husbands tended to adopt avoidant conflict management styles.

Therapeutic Intervention

Approaches to helping couples deal with conflict have been informed by several theoretical

models. Crane (1996) suggested a classification into "behavioral marital therapy, emotionally focused

therapy, insight oriented therapy," (and) "minimal marital therapy" (p.28). The latter, which is based on


8

the work of Gottman and his associates, focuses on helping spouses to develop skills at mutual

soothing, listening, and validating communication (Crane, L996).

Other recent books on counseling and psychotherapy with couples propose

similar ways of classifying approaches to helping couples cope with marital conflict. For example,

Young and Long (1998) identified cognitive/behavioral, object relations, structural and strategic

approaches for working with couples in contemporary practice.

In conducting a review of trends in marital therapy and research during the 1990's, Johnson and

Lebow (2000) observed that "only a few methods of intervention have been subject to research

validation" P.25). They noted that most of the studies were based on cognitive/behavioral and the

emotionally focused models of marital therapy. Despite variations in theoretical orientations, different

approaches have tended to produce positive results. However, the positive effects of therapy may

diminish over time, especially if only behavioral interventions were used. There are few studies that

have utilized long term follow-up measures of the efficacy of marital therapy (Johnson and kbow,

2000).

In the 1990's, there have been efforts to identify components of effective interventions so as to

develop an integrated model(s) of marital therapy. Gottman, Coan, Carrere and Swanson (1998) have

argued for a "naturalistic" approach based on what successful couples do in their relationships. Johnson

and Irbow (2000) identified elements of effective therapy that cut across models, such the development

of communication skills between spouses, sffengthening mutual acceptance, and cultivating mutual

empathy. Our approach is responsive to the recommendations of these researchers.

Theoretical Frame

We adopted a developmental, life span perspective @ilworth-Anderson and Burton,

1996) to explore how spouses in lasting relationships managed conflict. Three periods defined


()

the life span of these relationships: the early years prior to the birth of the first child, the child-

rearing years that began with the birth of the first child, and the recent years which began when

the youngest child reached 18 years. Our approach was organized to explore the potential

relationships between conflict management styles and several dimensions of marital relationships

during each of these periods; these dimensions included: decision making, sexual relations, role

behaviors, psychological intimacy, parenting, communication and satisfaction with relationships.

The focus of our inquiry was on predominant modes of conflict management rather than on

specific and discrete incidences of conflict and its management. The goal was to develop an

understanding of factors that shaped conflict management styles in the recent years of these

lasting relationships.

Research has highlighted differences between wives and husbands in how conflict is

managed. With the exception of the work of Gottman and his associates who hypothesized a

link between conflict management styles and physiological responses to stress, these differences

have been framed within the context of socialization theories. Females have been reared

traditionally to value relationships differently than males. Although we are in the midst of

changes in cultural expectations about the roles of males and females in mariage, the effects of

these changes on older couples who remain together is unknown. From the perspectives of

individual spouses in lasting marriages, we wished to explore how they viewed continuity and

modifications in conflict management styles over the years.

Method


ic

A semi-structured interview format was developed after a review of the literature; the

interview guide was pretested by the researchers. Collaborative researchers conducted additional

pilot testing and provided feedback that led to further refinement of the interview guide.

The guide was divided into four sections: the relationship, social influences including economic

and cultural factors, the relationships of parents' marriages and experiences of respondents and views of

their relationships from early to recent years. The recent years, which are the focus of this paper, were

the years after the youngest child had reach 18 years of age; generally, that period included the last 5-10

years prior to the interviews.

The interview structure was designed to acquire in-depth information from the point of view of

individual respondents in order to develop an understanding of how each spouse adapted over the life

span of their relationships. An open-ended style of interviewing was followed to allow for freedom of

expression . Focal questions were used to elicit information from the perspectives of each respondent.

Interviews were exploratory which allowed respondents to express their individual perceptions of their

interactions with spouses within their own frame of reference. That approach, which adapted clinical

interviewing skills to the needs of the research, explored the experiences of individuals within

relationships as they remembered and reported them.

Interviewers, who were advanced doctoral students with extensive clinical experience, were

trained in the use of the interview guide. They were respecful and accepting of the uniqueness of each

respondent's perceptions. Their empathic interviewing skills were a valuable resource in collecting the

data (Hill, Thomson and Williams, 1997).

The interviews were held in the homes of respondents, which provided additional information

about their lifestyles and environments. Prior to each interview, respondents were told about the purpose

of the study, given an overview of the interview schedule and were assured their identities would remain


ll

anonymous. Informed consent for audiotaping and the research use of interviews were obtained. Each

partner was interviewed separately; the length of each of the interviews was approximately two hours.

Samole

Couples were recruited through business, professional and trade union organizations as well as

through churches, synagogues, and a variety of other community organizations. Most couples resided in

the northeast part of the country. Of the respondents who volunteered to participate in the research, S5 Vo

reported that they were satisfied with their marriages.

The sample was chosen purposively to fit with the goal of developing an understanding of a diverse

and older group of heterosexual couples in lasting relationships. Couples were recruited who met the

following criteria:

1. married at least 20 years;

2. diversity of racelethnicity, socio-economic status, and religious background;

3. parents whose youngest child was at least 18 years of age; and

4. no psychotherapy for marital conflict.

Despite the heterogeneity of the sample as a whole, individual couples were homogeneous in terms of

their race and religion. To have included spouses with different races and religions was beyond the scope

of the study.

Of the 144 spouses who were interviewed, 64Vo were White and 36 7o were people of color

(African-Americans and Mexican-Americans). Religious background was as follows:

44 Vo wete Protestant; 35 Vo were Catholic; and2wo were Jewish. Forty-four percent were college

graduates and 56Vo were non-college graduates. The mean age for the sample as a whole was 59.63 years

(S.D.= 9.29): 16%o of respondents were in their 4O's,36Vo in their 50's,29Vo in their 60's, and lg%o in

their 70's. The mean number of years together was 35.25 (S.D.= 8.50): 26Vo of coupleshad been


t2

together 40 years or longer; 42Vo between 30 and 39 years; and327o between 20 and 29 years. Forty-two

percent had I or 2 children, 43Vo had,3 or 4 and t57o had 5 or more children. By total gross family

income, 107o of couples earned less than $25,000; 30%obetween $25,000 and $49,999;27Vo between

$50,000 and $74,999; and 33 Vo had gross incomes of $75,000 or more.

Codine

Each interview was t"ape recorded and transcribed to facilitate coding and to prepare the data for

both quantitative and qualitative analysis. Interview passages were coded for relational themes that were

then developed into categories (Strauss and Corbin, 1990).

Initially, a research tearn(2 women, 2 men) coded eight transcripts blindly and individually.

Detailed notes were kept and categories were generated. A relationship coding sheet was developed and

used in subsequent coding of eight additional interviews. As new categories arose previous interviews

were re-coded in keeping with the constant comparative process. Having both genders involved in that

process helped control for gender bias and contributed to the development of a shared conceptual

analysis. Using this method, a scoring system was developed to identify themes that evolved from each

section of the interviews. There were over 90 categories in24 topic areas for every respondent.

Once the Relationship Coding Sheet was developed, each interview was coded and scored

independently by two raters (one male and one female) who noted categories and themes as they emerged

from the ffanscripts. One of the authors coded all I44 interviews to insure continuity in the operational

definitions of variables and consistency of judgments from case to case. The agreement berween raters,

determined by dividing the number of identical judgments by the total number of codes , was 8'7Vo.

Cohen's kappa, used as a measure of inter-rater reliability, ranged from .79 to .93. Whon discrepancies


13

occurred, the raters met to discuss their differences and to re-examine the original transcripts until a

consensus was reached as to how a particular item was to be scored.

HyperResearch software (Hesse-Biber, Dupuis and Kinder, L992) enabled the researchers to do a

thorough content analysis of interview transcripts, which totaled over 5,000 double-spaced pages, and to

identify, catalogue and organize specific interview passages on which categorical codes were based.

Data analvsis

-

The coded data from the scoring sheets yielded frequencies, which were analyzed using

SPSS software. Chi square analysis was used to examine the relationship between the

independent variables - which included personal, demographic and respondents' reports of

various dimensions of relationships - and the dependent variables of respondents' conflict

management styles and their observations of their spouses' style in recent years (see Table I and

3). The Alpha criterion was set at .01 for the chi-square analysis.

The chi-square statistic was appropriate since certain conditions were met. First, it has

been very difficult to ensure randomness of samples in social and behavioral research, especially

in studies which focus on new territory. This non-probability sample was selected deliberately to

include older couples who have been understudied in previous research; namely, a diverse group

of married couples who had remained together for more than 20 years. The goal was to identify

factors that contributed to conflict management styles from the perspectives of individual

spouses rather than to test hypotheses. Second, compared to other tests of statistical significance,

chi-square has fewer requirements about population characteristics. Third, the expected

frequency of 5 observations in most cells was met.


T4

Variables that were related significantly (p=<.01) to conflict management styles in recent

years were selected for building a theoretical model. The model was tested using logistic

regression analysis to identify factors that may predict conflict management styles in recent years

(see Tables 2 and4). Logistic regression was a useful tool in this exploratory research where the

goal was to develop theory rather to test theory (Menard, 1995).

Findings

The findings are presented as follows: First, the operational definition of the dependent

variables, the conflict management styles of respondents and their observations of the styles of

their spouses are discussed. Second, a chi-squale analysis of the significant variables associated

with conflict management style of respondents in recent years as they reported them is presented;

based on the chi-square analysis, a logistic regression model was constnrcted to identify factors

that may be predictive of respondent conflict management styles in recent years. Third, a chi-

square analysis of the conflict management styles of spouses in recent years as reported by

respondents is presented; based on that analysis, a second logistic regression model was

constructed to identify factors that may be predictive of the observations of respondents about

the conflict management styles of their spouses in recent years. Fourth, we re-examine the

interview data to find clues to understand adaptation in these marriages, especially in view of the

relative stability in conflict management styles over the years.

Deoendent variable: conflict manaqement stvles durine recent vears

Respondents were asked to describe how they handled differences with their spouses and

how they observed their spouses handling differences with them. The focus of these ,


l5

explorations was on the predominant modes of conflict management styles; in other words, how

respondents usually handled differences with their spouses and their observations of how their

spouse usually handled differences with them in the early years, during the child-rearing years

and in recent years. Initial coding revealed several different styles both about respondents'

modes of handling differences with their spouses and their observations of their spouses' modes.

These perspectives were conceptualized along a continuum with avoidance at one pole and

confrontation at the other pole. Direct or face to face discussions were coded "confrontive."

Compared to avoidance, a confrontive style was more straight-forward and did not include sub-

categories. If respondents reported that they did not or could not discuss their thoughts and

feelings in face to face encounters with their spouses, such as denying their feelings or leaving

the scene, the style was coded as "avoidant."

The evolution of conflict manage styles between spouses was illustrated in the following

interviews with an African-American couple who had been married for 48 years. The wife

commented on the change in the marriage:

He didn't always want to listen. Instead of discussing something, he'd get irritated because I

didn't agree with hhn. But I think we do better now. As I said, atftrst, he wouldn't discuss

anything, just leave. Ralher than talk about it. So I'd have to percuade him that we needed to

talk, we just had to talk. And I think as the yeers have gone by, I see that it's better. We can

talk things out.. I think il's been a gradual process really...I think we ftnally found out how to

talk ... I would hnve to rernind. him: "I'm on your side." Anil itfinally got through ... you

have to keep on trying ... It's an ongoing thing.

Her 7l-year-old spouse, described the process of change from his perspective:


16

She always tells me I never hear anything she has to say. She says: "You don't listen to me"...

I guess there are times when I don't. I don't ilo il with the intent of being insulting or

whatever. I guess just sometimes things come through and they just keep right on going ...

Early on, it probably did. cause problerns, but the longer we live together, the less I've done it.

And I oft.en hear a lot of things she doesn't think I hear.

The observations of these respondents reflected a predominant theme in the data:

compared to wives, husbands had more difficulty with face to face or confrontive modes of

managing conflict. Although no dramatic changes in conflict management styles occurred over

the years, there were modifications in styles that were evident in the excerpts from interviews

with this couple.

Independent variables

Selection of independent variables for logistic regression analyses was based on the

results of the chi-square analyses (see Table I and 3). Each of the variables in the cross

tabulations had to be related significantly to conflict management styles at or beyond the .01

level to be entered into the theoretical models for testing with logistic regrcssion procedures.

Based on that criterion, the independent variables related to the conflict management styles of

respondents were: sex, conflict management styles during the early and child-rearing years, the

predominant role behavior of respondents over the years, the quality of communication between

spouses in recent yeilrs, and the reports of respondents about the quality of their sexual relations

during recent years.

The independent variables related significantly to the observations of respondents about

their spouses'conflict management styles were: sex, conflict management styles of spouses

during the early and child-rearing years, the quality of communication between spouses in recent


i.,

years, and the reports of respondents about the quality of their sexual relations during recent

years and their observations about the level of psychological intimacy in their relationships

during recent years.

Sex was coded male or female. Role behavior was coded either expressive or

insffumental, depending on how respondents described themselves. If they viewed themselves

predominantly as task centered and oriented primarily toward action in their marital role

behavior, this variable was coded instrumental. If they saw themselves as primarily oriented

toward verbalizing their thoughts and feelings as well as attending to the quality of relationships,

their role behavior was coded expressive.

Assessment of the quality of communication was based on responses to the following

question: How would you describe the communication between you? Communication in recent

years was coded "positive" when respondents spoke affirmatively about their ability to converse

with each other. Otherwise, communication was coded as "negative or mixed." An example of

the quality of communication along with role behaviors is taken from interviews with a couple

that had been married about 26 yearc. The husband, who was highly instnrmental in his role

behavior, talks about his guarded nature:

I have a tendency to play the cards very close to the vest ... it's probahly the role rnodel that

was cast for you from early childhood that yoa were expected to be the bread winner, take on

the bardens, and whatever pressures you v'ere suppose to suffer them in silence. The Irish

Catholic upbringing where you certainly didn't cry in your been It wasn't acceptable...I guess

il was my lack of having a wann and channing personality and being very close mouthed and

it bothered the hell out of her ... I neverfessed up to anything.

As counterpoint to her husband, the wife related the following: r


i;

When il comes to thal personalfeeling level, neither one of us really ever, ever,learned too

much about what il's like to let the other person know whal you're feeling and what your

needs are. He stifud and stuffed a lot.. I'rn sure thal there's a lot of things about me that I do

that he wouW change but he's never said anything about it, so I have no way of knowing wlnt

makes him anhappy or whal he'd like to do different ... I do think that we have grown... v,e

both probably think too rnach but overall" il's probably pretty good communication now.

Psychological intimacy involved being able to share inner thoughts and feelings not

expressed customarily in other relationships, such as those at work. While this factor included

effective communication, the distinction between communication and intimacy was a matter of

degree. One could have effective communication with a partner without experiencing

psychological intimacy, which was characteizedby mutuality of understanding, acceptance,

trust and respect based upon an openness and honesty of thoughts and feelings not customarily

shared in other relationships. It is important to clarify that psychological intimacy was not a

constant in these relationships (as it is not in any relationship) but a sense that one could count on

having an open and honest exchange with the partner about personal matters if the need arose.

If responses reflected those themes, psychological intimacy was coded "yes;" otherwise, it was

coded "no/mixed."

A couple in their 50's reflected on what intimacy meant to them. The wife described her

husband as:

My bestfricnd, best laver. The person I can corne horne to when sornething bad happens to

rne. Unfortunately, we have not had parents for many years. He is rny parent as well as nty

friend. He is the person who rnost cares what is happening to rne. The same as in tlrc past ...


t9

I can be completely honest.

The meaning of intimacy to the husband was as follows:

I don't like to have my own space. You might as well be by yourself,.. the important thing is to

like being with tke other person ... If you don't have thatfeeling, I think there is a piece thaf is

tnissing. I think we are our own people, but we do il together. You just have to respect the

other person...trust their decisions and belicfs and want to be with them.

Other dimensions of intimate behavior included physical affection which referred to

bodily touching, such as hugging, the quality of sexual relations and the importance of sexual

relations over the years. Exploration of sexual relations included questions about how spouses

"got along sexually" over the years.

Conflict management styles of respondents

Before discussing the factors that were related significantly to the conflict management

styles of respondents in recent years, it is important to note that social and demographic variables

- age, years married, income, religion, race and education - were not related significantly to the

reports of the conflict management styles of respondents, nor to their observations about the

styles of their spouses. Several relational factors, which included the severity of marital conflict

and the separateness to mutuality in couple decision-making, were also not related significantly

to conflict management styles in recent years.

Table I shows the variables that were significantly related to the conflict management

styles of respondents in recent years.

I insert table ] J


2A

Based on the results of the chi-square analysis, a theoretical model was constructed of

factors that may have shaped conflict management styles in recent years. The model was tested

using logistic regression analysis. The results ars shown in Table 2.

I insert table 2 ]

The results reported in Table 2 show that the strongest factor in predicting the conflict

management styles of respondents in recent years was their style of managing conflict during the

child-rearing years. The significant relationship between earlier conflict management styles and

styles during recent years suggested that personal conflict management styles, as reported by

respondents, did not change appreciably from the child-rearing years to recent years. Even

before the child-rearing years, the majority of wives were confrontive in their conflict

management styles and the majority of husbands were avoidant: in the early years,63Vo of wives

and32Vo of husbands reported a confrontive style, which increased slightly to 67Vo and35%o

during the child-rearing years; in recent years, the percentages of respondents who reported their

styles as confrontive was to 76Vo and to 46Vo respectively.

Other factors that contributed to styles of managing conflict in recent years were the role

behaviors of respondents during the child-rearing and recent years as well as the sex of

respondents. Wives, who reported more expressive orientations than did their husbands, were far

more likely to report confrontive styles of managing conflict.

Conflict management styles of spouses

The variables related significantly to the conflict management styles of spouses, as

reported by respondents, are shown in Table 3.

I insert table 3 ]


:)

The observation of respondents about the contiict management styles of their spouses in

the early and child-rearing years were related significantly to their assessments of their spouses'

styles in recent years. Other variables related significantly to conflict management styles of

spouses in recent years were the sex of respondents, and their reports of the quality of

communication, psychological intimacy and sexual relations in recent years.

The variables related significantly with conflict management styles in the chi-square

analysis were the basis for constructing a theoretical model that was tested with logistic

regression procedures. The results are shown in Table 4.

I insert table 4 ]

The strongest predictor of conflict management styles of spouses as reported by

respondents was the style of managing conflict by spouses during the child-rearing years: during

thechild-rearingyears,3l%o of wives andTSVa of husbandsreportedtheirspousesas

confrontive, compared to 26Vo of wives andT2vo of husbands during the early years; by recent

years, 437o of wives andSIVo of husbands reported their spouses as confrontive.

The conflict management style of spouses was also predicted by the quality of

psychological intimacy between spouses as well as the quality of their communication as

reported by respondents.

Adaptation in relationshios

There was relative stability in styles of managing conflict over the span of their

relationships. The finding of satisfaction with these marriages amongS5Vo of respondents along

with the avoidant conflict management styles of husbands did not fit with some previous

research cited in this paper. So, we re-examined the interview data to understand how these


22

couples adapted over the years. Three themes emerged from that examination: communication

about communication, selective understanding and balances between spouses.

Communication about communication occurred when a spouse was able to let the other spouse

know about their difficulties in expressing their feelings about differences. To put one's difficulties

about expressing feelings about differences into words and to have the communication accepted by the

spouse may have been sufficient to maintain or restore a sense of connection in a relationship. That

process of communicating about communication may result in selective understanding of the reason(s)

for specific interpersonal behavior, such as being raised in a family that did not encourage or tolerate

open discussion of feelings about interpersonal conflict. An outcome was gradual acceptance of

behaviors that had been an irritant between spouses. For example, when husbands felt less pressure

from their wives to change, they may have experienced less defensiveness about their avoidant behavior.

Concurrently, wives felt less conflicted about their husbands'avoidance.

Communication about communication along with selective understanding are apparent in

interviews with the following couple who were manied for 40 years. The husband said:

In the beginning communicating was tough .... I used to say to myself, well, she's not ltalinn.

And she doesn't know my moods as an ltalian. I grew ap wilh 70 brothers and sister and a

mother and father, in a very stable home with big meals and fricnds and relatives and open

house and that type of thing. And then you look back at her house...it was cold. It was q.

mother andfalher who drank. It was a rnother and a kid sister. It was not knowing what

she's going tofind when she comes home. So, I used to try to take that into consideratian. I

think it's caringfor the person rnore than anything else ...We know each other's anger now.

We've never been physical. But, I know by the tone of her voice when it's titne to stop and she

knows by the tone of my vofue when enoagh is enough... thal's the point when we walk away


'23

... because I respect her feelings about being angry and there's no sense in pursuing it becaase

it's just gonna get worse so either I walk away or she walks awa!.

For the wife, respect and determination to let her husband know how she felt were central to the

viability of their relationship:

I think respect is a very important thing ... when you get pushy and tlut sort of thing then

that's not good and there's a lot of tnisund.erstanding because you don't talk. You've got to

talk. You've got to talk, You've got to tell the person, even though yoa're afraid il's gonna

hurt theirfeelings, you've just got to let him know.

This couple illustrated how communication about communication may result in selective

understanding and enhanced satisfaction. The process of communication about communication

and selective understanding may have modified what Gottrnann and his associates identified as a

"negative start-up" by wives. The words of these respondents also illustrated how spouses

found ways of dealing with conflict that helped their relationship.

An outcome of success at communicating about communication and selective

understanding was the recognition of qualities in a spouse that may have been obscured by

negativity. When individuals were not as angry and defensive about differences, they may have

become freed-up to recognize strengths in their spouses that were previously obscured. Not

infrequently, that recognition led to the acknowledgement of balances in relationships. The

following 2 couples describe how a recognition of complementary qualities offered balance in

their relationships. A Mexican-American husband reported:

We are opposites. She's over here as the strong ilecisian-making ilisciplinarian type person.

I'm over here and I want to have fun. I'm still a teenager ... we complement each other. She

keeps things in order, making sure everything goes right, and. I get the fun part of it. .


24

His spouse offered the following observations:

He's understanding of me and my problems and background. His supportiveness in

everything that I wanted to do or not to do, his patience ... I'm very fortunate.

Couples who had different personality traits talked about differences bringing a balance

to their relationships. A husband described complementary aspects of his relationship with his

spouse:

I consi.der rnyself as rather resertted, and she is outgoing,..she rnakes friends automatically

and immediately. I am not that way,..it takes me a while to get close to people...and she has

made our mnrriage much easier by her being the way she is.

In discussing the relationship, the wife talked of how developmental experiences shaped

the fit between them. Her selective understanding brought meaning to their relationship which

allowed for acceptance of differences and recognition of strengths:

[husband] is really very fair...and very lovable but he can't show it. But that is not his fauh...it

was his upbringing. If you dig long enough you get everything out of him...at times he is like

a lifrle kid. He is a good husband but his needs are dffirent...he missed some of il growing up

and he is Inoking for il now. He is a very kind man...and I usually get what I need from him.

Building a relationship based on balances was a reciprocal process. In responding to the

spouse, whether those needs were grounded in traits, developmental differences or both,

individuals also experienced a fulfillment of their own needs. The stability of conflict

management styles may have been related to fundamental qualities within the self, which were

not likely to change as relationships matured. Such stability seemed to be the case with this

husband. Communicating about communication and selective understanding enabled this couple

to find and maintain a relational balance that apparently met their needs.


25

Discussion

Psychotherapists who treat couples for marital conflict may benefit from studies that

focus on understanding conflict management styles from the perspectives of spouses in stable

and satisfying marriages.

In this study, conflict management styles were explored through in-depth interviews.

Respondents were asked about their ways of handling differences and managing conflict. When

that data were subjected to bivariate analysis, several variables were related significantly to their

conflict management styles. These variables were: the sex of respondents, their conflict

management styles in the early and child-rearing years, whether their predominant marital roles

reflected instrumental or expressive behaviors from early to recent years, the quality of

communication.

Respondents were also asked for their observations about the conflict management styles

of their spouses. The following variables were related significantly to the observations of

respondents about the conflict management styles of their spouses: the sex of the respondent,

observations of the conflict management style of their spouses in the early and child-rearing

years, psychological intimacy with their spouses in recent years, the quality of communication

and the quality of sexual relations in recent years.

Based on these bivariate analyses, two theoretical models were constructed and

tested with logistic regression procedures. In the first model, the conflict management styles of

the respondents was the dependent variable; in the second model, the observations of

respondents about their spouses'styles was the dependent variable. What emerged from the

regression of each model was the powerful role that conflict management styles in prevjous years


JO

had in shaping the styles of respondents and their observations of their spouses' styles in recent

years. Although other factors were identified as having a shaping effect on conflict management

styles in recent years, they paled next to conflict management styles of respondents (8=5.30,

p=.001) and their observations of the styles of their spouses (B=5.62, p=.001) during the child-

rearing years.

Changes over the years in conflict management styles of spouses tended to reflect

modifications in styles and not dramatic shifts. Conflict management styles as reported by most

respondents, remained relatively stable from the early to recent years when less than I out of 2

husbands and slightly more than 3 out of 4 wives reported a confrontive style. Compared to the

early years, the percentage of respondents who reported the use of a confrontive style in recent

years increased by I3Vo Nnong wives and I4Vo among husbands. In adapting to various aspects

of their relationships, including the relative stability of conflict management styles from early to

recent years, couples used communication about communication and selective understanding to

maintain a balance in their relationships.

A model for intervention

The data about the impact of previous conflict management styles in shaping the

observations of respondents about their own styles as well as the styles of their spouses in recent

years add to the dialogue about the goals and focus of marital therapy recently initiated by

Gottman, Coan, Carrere and Swanson (1998). They proposed a model of therapy that departs

from a focus on resolving "disagreements" between spouses to a model that reflects "what real

couples do" (p. 5). In that paper, the authors suggested a new approach to marital therapy that

places less emphasis on active listening between spouses and more emphasis on the development

of mutual empathy, respect and acceptance. Enabling couples to respect genuine differsnces, to


accept what they cannot change and to work toward mutual understanding are valued in this

model.

Although Gottman does not mention a self psychological approach to marital therapy, the

implications of their findings point in that direction (Jackson, 1991). In several respects, the

authors use self psychological language (empathy, acceptance, soothing, softening) without

referring to that theory. Our data taken in concert with that of Gottman, Coan, Carrere and

Swanson (1998), point to the value of using self psychological concepts that includes a focus on

the strengths of clients rather than active listening interventions in couples therapy.

Our approach does not purport to engage spouses in a collaborative effort to change their

behavior but, rather, to engage them in a process of mutually exploring their needs, expectations

and roles with the goal of enhancing mutual acceptance, respect for differences and empathic

understanding. In the approach that we are proposing, strengths emerge as one of the central

features. The process of exploring the needs of spouses, their expectations of getting these needs

met through their marital relationships and the roles that each spouse adopts in relationships

underscores mutual respect for differences and builds upon their sffengths. Rather than the

target of interventions, modifications in marital behavior, such as conflict management styles,

may emerge from a therapeutic process that values what "naturally occurs in well-functioning

matriages" (Gottman, Coan, Carere and Swanson,1998, p.20), which, we suggest, ftBy include

communication about communication, selective understanding and recognition of balances.

In supporting spouses to identify their needs, the first step in the model, the role of the

marital therspist is to develop a context within which spouses may begin to feel safe enough to

express their inner feelings to their spouse that may have remained obscure. Important in the

process are responses by therapists that underscore the importance of respect for the feolings of


/d

each spouse. The goal is not change or the learning of new social skills but the mutual

exploration of individual needs within a context of acceptance and respect.

A second step in the approach is to focus on specific expectations that spouses have of

each other. Gottman and his associates (1998) identify "soothing" as especially critical for

husbands who may have a stronger need than wives to deny the validity of that psychological

state. To identify an inner feeling that has remained obscure in the relationship and have it

validated through genuine acceptance by the spouse may become a soothing experience.

A third step is to examine the roles that spouses have adopted as a consequence of not

having their needs validated and their disappointment at not having their expectations fulfilled.

Rather than dwell on anger, resentment and guilt, the exploration is oriented toward the

negotiation of different role behaviors based on clarity about the needs and expectations of each

spouse. The development and adoption of new relational skills may follow.

In summary, we have constructed a model of marital therapy based on empirical data that

emphasizes an empathic and strengths oriented approach in which spouses are supported to

identify their needs, their expectations of the spouse and to negotiate marital roles to meet needs

and satisfy expectations. The goal is to enhance communication about communication,

especially needs and expectations, to develop selective understanding, and to work toward

marital roles that will be responsive to the individual needs and expectations of each spouse.

Limitations

Qualitative modes of data collection based on in-depth interviews conducted by skilled

researchers are an effective tool for studying elusive phenomena, such as conflict management

styles in marriage. The richness of data elicited through the method used in this study is quite


)9

different from data collected through other means, but there are concerns about validity and

reliability as well as the nature of the sample.

It is difficult to assess the validity of the data in the traditional sense of that concept since

we were eliciting the personal perceptions and evaluations of respondents about conflict

management styles in their relationships at a particular point in time. The candor of respondents

about highly personal matters, such as the decline in sexual relations because of sexual

dysfunctions, suggests that respondents were equally candid about other aspects of their

relationships, such as styles of managing conflict. By interviewing spouses separately and

asking them to talk about themselves as well as their observations of their spouses in these

relationships, we were able to compare responses to determine if there were significant

differences about common realities. For example, did both spouses assess the nature of conflict

in their relationships similarly? Did a respondent, in commenting on an aspect of a spouse's

behavior, come close to the spouse's observations about the same factor? There was a

correspondence between spouses on the data, which was illustrated in responses to conflict

management styles, which asked respondents to describe their style as well as the style of their

spouses. For example, respondents who described themselves as having an avoidant style were

viewed by their spouses as also having an avoidant style.

In a cross sectional design in which subjects are asked to report on their life today and in

the past, traditional measures of reliability are inadequate. The meaning of life events and an

individual's response to these events will vary, and may even vary within the same person at

different points over the life span. While longitudinal designs may be superior in contending

with problems of validity and reliability, cross sectional designs that use interviews to uncover


30

the meaning of behavior have the strength of eliciting richness in the experiences of human

beings.

There is a shortfall in re-coding the data from multiple categories into dichotomous ones.

This step built onto the earlier qualitative analysis by offering a different lens through which to

understand the data. To offset the potential reductionistic effects of re-coding, we have

incorporated a discussion of the qualitative data into the results. The integration of qualitative

and quantitative procedures was intended to enhance the theory development objective of the

research.

The use of an interdisciplinary team throughout the research process enhanced the quality

of the study (Hill, Thompson and Williams, 1997). Issues of bias and misinterpretation were

discussed along with other matters that could affect the validity and reliability of the data. One

of the principal investigators read all 144 interview transcripts and served as a second blind

coder for each interview. Having one researcher read and code every interview provided for

continuity in the operational definations of variables. To insure that there was both a male and a

female perspective on the data, the second coder was a woman. As a measure of inter-rater

reliability, Cohen's kappa was used and ranged from .79 to .93.

The sample was selected purposively to include subjects in lasting relationships that are

often not included in other studies; namely, people of color as well as respondents from both

blue and white color occupations. The goal was not to test theory but to develop an

understanding of a subject, management of conflict among an older group of diverse spouses in

lasting relationships, that has not received much attention by researchers. The sample fit with

the goal of this exploratory study.


3t

Conclusion

The multi-modal method that was employed in this research was intended to open

theoretical doors by examining conflict management styles among spouse in marriages that had

lasted an average of 35 years. Data was collected through in-depth interviews and analyzed with

qualitative and quantitative methods. The goal was to understand how spouses adapted in their

relationships rather than to test hypotheses. The focus of this paper was to explore how

respondents perceived their own conflict management styles as well as their perceptions of the

styles of their spouses. It is valuable to develop an understanding of the conflict management

styles of couples from the perspectives of individual spouses. They have much to teach

professionals about the process of adaptation in lasting relationships. The data suggest an

empathic model of marital therapy, which values the development of mutual acceptance, respect

and understanding about needs, expectations and the roles of spouses.


32

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Table IConflict management style of respondents in recent yearsby relational variables (row ercentages)

Variables Conflict management style of respondent

Avoidant Confrontive 7o Totals Y2

SexVo maleVo female

CMS early yearsVo evoidantVo confrontive

Behavior early years7o instrumentalVo expressive

CMS child-rearing yearsVo zvoidantVo confrontive

Behavior child-rearing years7o rnstrumentalVo expressive

Communication recent yearsVo poor/mixedVo positive

Sexual relations recent yearsVo negative/mixed7o positive

Behavior recent yearsVo rnstrumental7o expressive

N = I44 * p= <.01 **p=a.001

.54

.24,46.'76

100100

100100

100100

.29

.9',1

.7t

.03

100 6.50**(1DF)

14.L4**(lDF)

70.06**(lDF)

87.70**(lDF)

1r.61**(lDF)

4.23*(lDF)

4.r5*(lDF)

11.23**(1DF)

.49

.28

.77

.01

.54

.26

.50

.33

.55

.27

.51

.72

.23

.99

.50

.67

.52.69

100100

100100

100100

.46

.74

.49

.31

.45

.13 100


Table 2

Logistic

style of

regression coefficients

respondents in recent

for variables associated with

years

conflict management

Variable

Sex

CMS early years

Behavior early years

CMS child-rearing years

Behavior child-rearing years

Behavior recent years

Comm recent years

Sex relations recent years

Constant

B

1.18

.68

-3.36

5.30

2.45

1.gg

-.43

.69

-2.84

S.E.

.7L

L.39

r.32

1.59

1.61

1.35

.-16

.72

.75

sig.

.10

.62

.01

.001

.13

.r6

.57

.34

.001

Exp(B)

3.27

L.97

.03

200.30

IT.62

6.63

.65

r.99

Model Chi-square L25.14 (8DF) p=<.001


Table 3Respondents' observations of the conflict management styleof their spouses in recent ears by relational variables (row percentages)

Variables Conflict management

Avoidant Confrontive

style of partner

7o Totals Y2

Sex7o maleVo female

CMS partner early yearsVo tvoidantVo eonfrontive

CMS partner child-r€ar yrs7o TYoidantVo confrontive

Communication recent yearsVo poor/mixedVo positive

Psy intmcy recent years7o no/mtxed7o les

Sexual rels recent yearsVo neflativelmixedVo positive

N - I44 {< P= <.01 **p=a.001

,t9.57

.56

.29

.60

.30

.82

.01

.81

.43

.27

.97.73.03

.44

.72

.44

.70

.51

.7L.49.29

.18

.99

100100

100100

100100

100100

100

100

21.45**(lDF)

74.25**(lDF)

98.23**(lDF)

10.65**(lDF)

I 1.16**(lDF)

6.49* (lDF)


Table 4

Logistic regression coefficients for

of the conflict management style of

variables associated with observations

spouses in recent years

Variable

Sex

CMS spouse early years

CMS spouse child-rear years

Psy intmcy child-rear years

Psy intmcy recent years

Sex relations recent years

Comm recent years

Constant

.15

2.L3

5.62

-r.29

L.99

-.29

1.gg

-4.23

S.E.

.87

L.27

1.48

.78

1.40

,73

1.35

1.37

s ig.

.86

.09

.001

.10

.r6

.69

.14

.002

B Exp(B)

1.16

8.46

277.16

.29

7.29

.75

7.26

Model Chi-square 136.19 (7DF) p=<.001


in lasting marriages authors: richard a. mackey, matthew a. … · 2019. 3. 7. · conflict...

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