8/10/2019 I'm a dreamer

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Well Im a dreamer you know

Every day, on occasion, I find myself mostly holding a cigarette and dragging on it as if Im an oversized

infant who of course knows its awkward and unhealthy to be fed at his mothers bosoms, but still

panicked enough to believe that if he doesnt suck even to the last drop of the milk, he might not see

the coming moment and in those occasions Im dreaming with my eyes open.

And it means that Im in control. In control of where, when, who, how and even what I am. Im the deity

of WH-questions. When dreaming with the eyes open I am the omnipotent, ordering whatever goes

wherever and whoever is supposed to say whichever line. You might say Im a new wave film maker who

believes hes in charge of both the literature and mise en scene. And I gather my characters out of my

everyday life and they perform as my cast. And what a cast! So damned professional that it suffices if

you only give the words and theyll perform it as of their own, authentic like life itself.

You might think it is liberating, even unleashing me from every-day constraints of Newtonian physics

laws. Years ago I thought the same as well but now in the hindsight it is clear to me that I have dreaming

the same thing over and over. Saving the same essence and only changing the form, blowing the same

spirit into different carcasses. You might remember many of my dreams, since you have always beenpresent in them.

Once I was in a party, your birthday party. I was a teenager on the verge of becoming a young man and

you were this brunette with rather long straight hair and big teeth like mine. You had your black dress

on, the one cover above your knees. I was sitting on a chair in the most unrecognizable corner of the

room holding my half full plastic cup, taking small and pretentious sips and gazing at you. You were in

the middle of the room, moving your body into these delicate curvatures resembling different shapes

and symbols. For a second you were a Y then an F, then S, then you jumped, making the form of an

exclamation mark. Then I zoomed in. I could see the small curvatures, together making the big curvature

of your dancing body. I could see your neck when it connected to your jaw. I could see the soft skin

below your frail ears. I could smell it. I clutched at the back of the chair beside me, trying to rise up,hoping I would finally approach you and kiss that soft skin. A few coarse bodies blocked my view. I

stretched my neck to spot you again and it was then that I saw his hands reaching your waist. You put

your palm on his chest. And I sat down, and I chugged my drink.