Who ate all the clams?

His

pare

nts

said

he

coul

dn’t

thro

w a

par

ty in

the

hous

e. They

sai

d he

cou

ldn’

t thr

ow a

par

ty o

n th

e bo

at.

Wha

t kin

d of

fres

hman

goe

s th

roug

h hi

s en

tire

first

yea

r at A

lpha

-Bet

a Ho

use

with

out g

ettin

g la

id?

Rona

ld “B

arfy

” Bar

fingt

on is

in a

bad

way

.

SEVE

N CR

AZY

KIDS

ON

A HO

USEB

OAT!

A TE

EN S

EX R

OMP

ON S

EA, L

AND

AND

IN-B

ETW

EEN!

SCRIPT EXCERPT from Party At

Houseboat:

WILL: Hey guys, River Warden Gordon

heard we set off fireworks in the

Sorority House! He’s spitting

chips! He’s definitely gonna end the

Houseboat this time!

BARFY: Oh no, my uncle’s gonna be so

mad! [throws up]

CAVEWOMAN SUE: There’s only one thing

to do, gang: throw the biggest

lifevest party ever! And we’ll need

that invention of yours to do it,

E-Bay!

E-BAY: The Boob Goldberg machine?

DRUNKLE OKIE: You got it!

BARFY: I’ll see boobs? (throws up)

POSSIBLE SUMMARY, ADVERTISING STRATEGY: HOUSEBOAT II: RETURN TO HOUSEBOATWill surfing prodigy KIERAN MCGEE win the approval of ex-pro-surfer and

alcoholic quasi-relative DRUNKLE OKIE?Can RIVER WARDEN GORDON finally claim the BARFINGTON RUBIES?Will LORD BARFINGTON win the Lake Kensington mini-golf tournament as a

MAXI-SIZE golfer?Is that SEXY PIRATE here to raid Houseboat’s doubloons, pantaloons or

PARTY-HOONS?Will MIKEY’s gloves find face, or faith, in the sexy bosom of LADY BARFINGTON?Can the now-thawed CAVEWOMAN KAY unfreeze the ICY-EXTREME heart of

BLADES “Sick Trick!” MCKENZIE?Will FEMINISM hold sway for the sassy ROBINA, or will E-BAY’s bikini cannon

sway her over to FUN-imism?

But t

hey

didn

’t sa

y an

ythi

ng a

bout

the.

..

FROM THE DESK OF

Who ate all the clams?

Houseboat IV unsurprisingly scoops 12 Oscars;

including long overdue Best Picture nod

With the premiere of the next instalment, critics

continue to be confounded by the runaway success

of teen sex comedy franchise Houseboat. The film

originally, incorrectly dubbed “Too sexy for VHS”

has spawned its third sequel, which director Jay

Schatzenberg describes as a return to form following

James Cameron’s ‘misjudged’ entry River to Sea.

For those of you who missed the boat, the premise

of Houseboat was simple: seven zany freshmen and

freshwomen band together to host the ultimate party

on the ultimate party pad, a rich uncle’s houseboat.

Meanwhile, their arch nemesis River Warden Gordon

tries to shut down the antics of the mismatched

teens. The flurry of spin-offs and direct-to-video

productions that followed made household names

of Schatzenberg, Barfy, E-Bay (the inventor with a

literal heart of gold), Nate Palm, Blades “Sick trick!”

McKenzie, Cavewoman Kay, Lord Barfington the

Third, friendly alcoholic relative, ‘Drunkle’ Okie.

“It was endlessly bankable,” Schatzenberg told us.

“An unstoppable success—literally, after the failed

injunction by the MPAA to ‘preserve the quality of

cinematic standards everywhere’. There’s no reason

the fans should accept the same characters and the

same jokes over and over again in new locations—

even, say, Germany before the fall of the Berlin wall.

And yet Houseboat: Party Line on the River Rhine

won a BAFTA.”

In the beginning, critics universally ignored the films,

with the occasional review being unremittingly negative.

Roger Ebert criticised Houseboat’s unoriginality and the

overemphasis of setting (“It’s a houseboat, we get it! Do

we really need that many footjobs?”), but Mr Ebert was

one of the first to join the critical re-evaluation in recent

years, and is even attending the premiere of Houseboat 4.

“Bigger than Ben Hur?” Ebert mused. “More like bigger

than Houseboat!”

Fans wondering how long Schatzenberg can ask whether a

house can, in fact, be a boat (or vice versa) may well find

themselves frustrated with the film’s next instalment. Fans

of Houseboat’s sex romps, catchphrases and continuing

crises of virginity, however, will find much to love.

The films were a noted favourite of then-President Clinton.

He honoured Jay Schatzenberg with a fireside chat in

which he expressed his deep love for the quaint, simple

times of his youth and their similarities to Houseboat. Said

Clinton, “In making these films you have done a service to

me, a service to your country, and a service to film-lovers

everywhere. Sir, I want to thank you for your work.” Jay

Schatzenberg was reportedly “bewildered.”

This brings us up to the present day. Many

questions remain unanswered from the previous

instalment; they include whether or not the

beloved Barfy will find his lost gold, whether Sue

and E-Bay will ever get together and whether

River Warden Gordon return

from the dead for the fourth timegrave for the

uneasy grave.

“These and other questions

will be answered in

vengeance and

sexily, sexily

accusations

drug abuse

JOHNNY MEMPHIS, self confessed member of Team Barfy

A TE

EN S

EX R

OMP

ON S

EA, L

AND

AND

IN-B

ETW

EEN!

In preparation for the release of the release of the finale of the Houseboat saga, Houseboat Eternity, USA Today in conjunction with Metroplex Cinemas are taking you back to the beginning with back to back screenings of the entire franchise. Metroplex will be screening: Houseboat

Houseboat II: Return to Houseboat James Cameron’s Houseboat 3: River to Sea Houseboat 4: The Legend of Barfy’s GoldHouseboat of the Rising Houseboat Party at Houseboat

Son of HouseboatHouseboatpocalypsenow Houseboat 7: The Sickest Trick of All Requiem for a Houseboat

“Tw

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THE TALES OF DEAD MEN SELDOM TOLDTHE campus is a hive. Jacaranda musk swirls around the false-facers as they smile and tell you it’s going to be alright, that everything’s in order.

It’s my job to prove them wrong.

PROHIBITION reared its jagged head again this week as the Union strikers assaulted University patrons. Emerging in ones and twos from the shanties erected on the lawn outside the Vice Chancellor’s office, just silhouettes in the early morning fog, the strikers seized alumni and donors from a passing throng and were as ghosts, and the only signs of their passing were disembodied voices vanishing in the gloom.

The donors were found executed in the basement of an ageing tenement house near Wentworth. Their last cigarettes had been crushed beneath their heels, small piles of ash

untouched by sympathy.

HE was a good man, an honest man. He was waiting for me in the office. I’d seen him around, and heard his footsteps receding through conversations overheard, slipping under the cracks of doors and spilling out of open windows into the early night.

“You’re the Editor, right?” he asked me as I walked in, all five foot three of him barely filling out his faded blue suit.

“An Editor,” I said mildly. “There are ten of us. Though there might damned well be ten thousand for all the good it would do.”

“You know who I am,” he said.

“Lionel DiMartino,” I said, “Campus Culture Director. Union dogsbody. And I’ve heard you have a problem that can’t be solved in a regular

fashion.”

He withdrew a gun from his jacket. I threw it a casual glance as I started the rusty IBM. He levelled it at me, his face ashen.

“It’s not that kind of story,” he said, his voice cracking.

“Now why do you have to go and do a thing like that?” I asked, watching a bar fill up, perpetual.

“It’s a horrible thing,” he said softly, barely looking at me. “It’s a horrible thing, when they own your soul.”

“Sounds like the Union is making deals above its station.” The gun wobbled. “Careful,” I said. “Some men think a gat in the hand means a world by the tail.”

“But this time everything will be all right,” he said, suddenly feverish. “This time, I’m going to win — ”

The shot tore through his chest and

killed him instantly. He choked on his final word. A murky figure darted away from the hole in the pane of the stained glass office windows, and he had vanished from the corridor before I could get a good look at him. I returned inside, poured myself a drink, and looked at the latest dead man I knew would soon be haunting my dreams.

DiMartino slept the big sleep on the floor of the Honi office. The IBM startup chime sounded. They always said he was a good man. An honest man.

VC Michael Spence to students: “Remember that life is spent and consumed in dust and shadows. Remember that even the largest men are insignficant.”

The students just stared at him, smoking self-assuredly. For theirs was the power.

VENGEANCE is an ugly thing, the sort of thing that rattles a man to his core. I learnt it the hard way.

***

It was only last week that I was sitting in my office, watching the world go by with a belt of scotch and a stogie, when trouble walked in my door in the shape of a buxom brunette.

“What can I do for you?” I asked, handing her the stogie.

“That depends on what you got,” she said, smoking it down to nothing in one breath.

“That’ll be forty cents,” I said.

Her name was Claudette and she worked for the University Electoral Commission. Strange. I didn’t know there was such a thing, not with the recent goings-on.

“We stay quiet but we get the job done,” she sauntered. “But lately, well, there’s been a pinch of trouble.” She gripped my cheek between her thumb and forefinger.

“Literal,” I whispered, handing her a book on electoral law.

“You see there have been some strange practices around here as of late, and there’s little we can do about it,” she said. “We need your help.”

I stood up. “Get used to it, sister. An election is no place for a dame or a gentleman.

“I’ve seen circular logos, identical colour schemes, poorly executed flash mobs, inept voiceovers, negative campaigns that lack even basic perspective on what is and isn’t possible, victories from the worst out of bad fields that get over the line with coersion and exploitation of ignorance. Stuff that’ll turn your

pretty hair white. What you’ve got for me is nothing new, so get outta here.”

She smiled. “Sounds like you’ve got something personal against the electoral process.”

She’d hit a nerve. I winced, sneered and spat out my gum. “Let’s just say I’m glad to have won the only student election I ran for.”

“That how you got this job? If you ask me, P.I. shouldn’t even be an elected position.”

“Hey, I don’t make the rules, I’m just good at the game.”

My rivals were still bitter a year on; I was justified in my smugness.

“Let’s cut to the chase.” She gripped my head between her silky hands. “They’re bringing in people from other campuses, people who don’t even go to uni, professional hacks who make it their business to knock people around, would step on their own mothers with cleats to get another mark on the bedpost.”

“Bedpost, eh ...” I liked the allusion, and finished my scotch. “And what do you want me to do?”

“Campaigns can get awfully rough. I could use a bodyguard.”

“I don’t doubt it,” I said, eyeing her with a little more licentiousness than a man of my position should.

All I knew is it was about time to get some of that sweet sweet editor pussy I’d heard so much about.

“Deal.”

She left her business card. I took the job, and so did she. But neither of us knew what we were in for. Not until the campaign bells rang.

Dear Honi Noir,I have a case for you. I’m a leggy blonde with a past and a drinking problem, and my boyfriend hasn’t been paying rent on our Glebe sharehouse lately. I would provide recompense of fifty dollars a day plus expenses, as well as all the sexual tension you can handle. Does this sound ... agreeable?Yours,A dame (Arts II)

Dear Honi Noir,

I’ve been hit with the heebie jeebies. It’s giving me shivers all over, and my scotch has been slipping outta my tumbler on account of all wthis shivering. I can’t say where these heebie jeebies are coming from, but it’s causing quite a stir and I like my scotch shaken with ice then drained, neat. I can’t say I like this stirring, or this spilling.

When I invited the blonde from across the hall in for a drink I was so parched I stuttered over her name. When I approached her from the shadows, scotch spilled in my lap, she seemed wary. She murmured something about the restroom before slipping out the door. I thought it odd at the time, until I looked down and saw a stain one might find on someone incontinent.

LIVE BY THE PEN ...DIE BY THE SWORD

NEITHER RAIN, NOR SLEET, NOR GLOOM OF NIGHT

Dear Honi Noir,

I too have a case for you – don’t ask me how I knew you already had one, it was just a hunch. I’m good with hunches. See, I’m living with this broad in an old rundown sharehouse in Glebe, down by the water naturally. She’s real nice, if you know what I mean: legs that go all the way down to the floor and would keep going if there weren’t a floor there to stop ‘em. Trouble is, she’s real clingy, and I can’t stand it no more. Keeps banging on about rent and essays, I’ve had it up to here! Whadda I do? Do I move out, or fob her off onto Tony de la Mersy from Commerce 206?

You gotta help me out, man!

Jonny Sweetwater

I should have known from her first look.

I need these heebie jeebies sorted, and there ain’t no one that can help me but you. Tell me where these heebie jeebies are coming from, so I can sip my scotch without these shivers. I’ll pay you any sum.

Mike “The Nose” Derusso

ww

V

CRAB CLAW

12

Mrs C

randall

, the l

ibrarian

, I

can se

e, but

I know

not w

here

her co

unterp

art—TH

ERE H

E IS

THERE

HEIS

HE’S THER

E CRA

BCLAW

old mad

ness is

overtak

ing me

and

I’m no

t sure

exactl

y how

long it

will be b

efore w

e are

entirel

y in

the grip

s of i

tHO

LY HEL

L I AM

STAR

ING IN

TO

THE

Vulla c

on exer

atet in

henis

num iLINC

OLN

OUT BIT

CHES!

HORR

ORS HO

RROR

S LIK

E FEW

HAVE

EVER KNO

WN we

are g

ripped

in

the upw

ard or

downwa

rd spir

al of

some

great v

ortex.

My darl

ing, this ma

y be t

he

last tim

e you

hear fr

om me.

This ma

y

be the

last senten

ce you

a-spy,

for it

seems a

s thoug

h every

perva

sive th

ought,

each su

cceding

remark

brings

me clos

er and

closer

to the

pit, th

e yawn

ing touch

of

OBLIVION

HON

I HON

I CRA

BCLAW

FIRE F

IRE AN

D BR

IMSTO

NE

AAAAAA

AAAAAA

AAAA

Well

this just

isn’t something I expected

to happen when I got up this morning.

I was just settling into that nice simple train of

thought when these night-terrors and ghost-spectres yawned up on

me in a manner befitting a person of less character than myself. This is

the limit, people. I can see into the

eye of the beast. I can see

the lead singer of The Fucks.

Sheamus Pugg. Ernest Hemingwhale.

X THIS X THIS X THIS

CRABCLAWCRABCLAWCRABCLAW

CRABCLAWCRABCLAWCRABCLAWFrom here I can see the whole of the realm in which we are situated. I am comfortable in our lofty heights and yet acknowledge that our

perspective is itself skewed. I fear that the

progression of our thoughts will lead us evermore

towards the great maelstrom in the centre of this space. I

fear that m very record is heading downwards, spiralling downwards

...

Fres

hly

Sque

ezed

HONI SOITORIALIST

HONI SOIT

DEDICATIONSthis all makes

sense to me!

Oh no, it’s

that vortex again. Here it comes.

Everyone get ready!

OOP! That’s part one.

A l r i g h t , g o g g l e s o n !

H e e e e r e w e e e e g o o o o o o !

O h m a n , w h a t a r u s h ! A l r i g h t e v e r y o n e , h i t t h e

s h o w e r s .

Aaa h , s e e y o u n e x t t im e , Vo rt e x !

Goggles off. Back to work!

Man, I love this job.

Augury Palmerston • Dwayne Led-Foot • Raoul Sanchez • Queztalcoatlas • Clement MacGuyver • Boris Ladyfingers • Maude Travers • Mammoth Dave • Telos • Helios • Henwich Carruthers • Vertiline von Trasta • Richard Edward • Von Fordian • Wudge • Admutzik • Huguenot Monserrat • Montgomery Henleyson • Welsh Rarebit MacMahon • Charlotte de Lancey • Denis Quaid • Murderous Mike • Esmerelda de la Marey • Guinevere • Saint Nicholas • Llewellyn Aderyn •Ambrosios O’Malley • I, Claudius •Julio La Narque • Nina Bullscaro • Tom Walkman • Florence Rose-Paynes • Snacki Breen • Jane Collie • Bryony O’Connell • Mark Pritchardson • Andy Frasier • Sharon Connell • Brad Sidler • Bree Walmsley • Kieran Winters • Saint Lane • Charmus Maximus • Gareth Michelle • Hannah the Bruce • Josh Fierce • Tim Wishflick • Slam Dunk • Don Alejandro de Tuniz • Chris Melon • Jerome Farquar • Reuben Reuben • Lucille Haberfield • Sand Shrew • Hans unt Feet • Baudy von Papersnack • Miss Elliot Missy • Warrick Bagginspurse • Walt Whitman • Willard White • Cthulhu • Francis Ford Cupholder •Zalgo • Jacob Creek • Dawson Creek • Boom Bear •Jess Sterling Silver • Disco Jonnie • Biggie Smalls • Jennifer Lopez • Death • Old Man Badger • Seamus Pugg • Doo Lee Boo Lee • The Velveteen Rabbit • Randy Newman • Rebecca Severe • Cinda Rella • Martyn Badoui • Scott Pinkless •Edwart Heart • Sandy Chang • Paul Ben • James Hubcap • Laurence the Giant • Marian Courtjester • Martin Bad Wee • Morris Henna • Kenny Maitland • Mad Hattet • Martin Lukas • Brown Scotless • Lee Hannah Barbara • Nail Cartbert • Heart Pierce Again • Levitation Sam • Smith Joseph Davis • Daniel Zvi! • Jim Fishburn • Morgan Freeman • Saul Elvis • Sham Shibby • Jackathan Gowings • Harrison Mile-arse • Cait Lon Griffin Presskit • Cyrus “The Crazy Iranian” Bezyan • Flee-am Connelly • Sven Benkins • Heidi Shamellan • Nathaniel Trewlaney • Tobias Mackernseed • Sebastian Pullywoddle • Henry Hornblower • The Holy Crab • You Methem • The King of Tonga • Arthur Marx • Leonard Marx • Julius Marx • Herbert Marx • Daffy Duck • THE QUEEN. THE QUEEN. THE. QUEEN. • Booby McTits! • Busty Boobstown • Dick Thrust • Double Rudder • Bukkake Holocaust • Bukkake Supernova • Uncomfortably Close • Sextus Empiricus • Nelly • T-Pain • Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em • Sheridan Whiteside • Ja Rule • R. Kelly • Sasha Grey • Osama Bin Layed-Em! • Mrs Krabappel • Fur Coat Man • Thomas Edison • Daddy Warbuxx • Mama Short Legs • Little Short Legs • Professor Quine • Mikey Schpense • Mike L. Schpence-pence • The Princess Bride • Spencetastic • The Villainous McBride • Hedge Fund Boss • Kelly Clarkson • Killer BOB • Leland Palmer • Dale Cooper • The Little Man From Another Place • David Bowie • Big Oil B’Goyle • Ronald

You

can

keep

it, I’v

e go

t fif

ty

one left. W

hat wer

e yo

u saying

?

Is that so? H

ow late do

you

stay

open

? I t

hink

you

better

get ou

t

of h

ere, I

hear

the

y’re

gon

na

tear

you

dow

n an

d pu

t up

an

offic

e bu

ilding

whe

re y

ou’re

stan

ding

. If yo

u ca

n’t lea

ve in

a

taxi

you

can

leav

e in a

huf

f. If

that’s

too

soon

, yo

u ca

n leav

e in

a minut

e an

d a

huff. Y

ou kno

w

you

have

n’t stop

ped

talking

since

I cam

e he

re? Yo

u must ha

ve b

een

vaccinated

with

a p

hono

grap

h

need

le. B

GOYL

E CR

ABCL

AW

CRAB

CLAW

HON

I