‘‘HELLO, I’M AN IDIOT.’’

by

Robert Cheren

Macaulian Politicswww.macaulian.com

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Please note: This is an unfinished first pass. It isdistributed only for the purpose of getting feedback on thework, and it does not claim or imply original authorship inthis condition, as it does not yet adequately acknowledgevarious aspects of the dialogue which have been borrowed fromor inspired by other great works by writers far more talentedthan myself. This is not to say that I have not written themajority of this work, just that without the inclusion ofcomplete and adequate citation, the avoidance of any falseattribution of authorship requires that I simply claim noauthorship at all.

There are two sources to which must however be immediatelymentioned. First, the idea for the setting and style of theinitial dialogue for this script came from watching the Get aMac ad campaign. Second, some key passages are adapted forthis work from Reginald Rose’s script 12 Angry Men. Certainpassages near the beginning of this draft in some placesmaintain the language from the source.

Thank you again for reading this script, and for bearing withme through this feeble attempt to avoid any literarytransgressions against those authors to whom I owe a greatdeal.

Sincerely,Robert Cheren

FADE IN:

Two men are standing in an all white room, a few feet fromeach other facing the camera.

DEMHello, I’m a democrat.

REPAnd I’m a republican.

DEMWe are politicians.

REPIt’s our responsibility to dealwith national problems.

DEMI practice liberal politics,based on the assumption that allproblems are caused by greedyrich people and evil businesses.

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REPI practice conservativepolitics, based on theassumption that all problems arecaused by the government, lazypeople, amoral criminals, andevil terrorists.

DEMMy way or his way you prettymuch have to choose

REPYeah, either Im right or hesright, its pretty simple

DEMevery couple of years, you, theamerican people, come togetherand vote on which one of us isright, and which is wrong.

REPyoure pretty much evenly dividedon this

DEMthere are blue states

REPand red states

DEMand in pretty much everycommunity, theres a majority

REPand you are either in themajority, or the minority

DEMeither you live amongst fellowright minded individuals

REPor you are surrounded by idiots

DEMbut as a nation, its pretty damnwell evenly split

REPyeah, thats what i call jobsecurity

DEMi cant seem to prove that I’mbetter.

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REPand i cant seem to prove thatI’m better.

DEMso here we are. either half theamerican people are idiots

REPor the other half the americanpeople are idiots

DEMyep, thats pretty much how itis. this is the one thing thatwe agree about,

REPthat half of us are completelystupid,

DEMwe just cant seem to agree onwhich half....

REPeither you’re an idiot and imright

DEMor you’re an idiot and im right

MAC(offscreen)

or you’re both idiots and you’reboth wrong.

DEM AND REPhuh!

REPwho said that!

DEM and REP walk over to investigate, finding a man sittingat a large wooden desk, busily working on his computer.there is a white board with a great deal of writing on it.The man does not take his eyes of his work, he is clearlyengaged in some problem and concentrating deeply. Dem andRep approach slowly, without realizing it they get very closeto one another as they apprehensively approach thestranger... as they near the desk, dem unconsiously placeshis hand on Rep... suddenly they become aware of how closethey are and quickly step away from each other and stand verystraight up, being very self concious and self absorbed for along moment. Simultaneously they remember why they are thereand dip out of their selfabsorbtion back into their originalcuriosity.

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DEM(cautiously)

who...(quickly switchesthe question)

what are you?

REP(confrontational)

Yeah, what the hell are you?You got a lot of nerve callingus both idiots. I know what youare you’re a communist... or aterrorist...

MAC(calmly, matterof fact, nottaking his eyesof his work)

I am not a communist, and i amcertainly not a terrorist.

DEMthen...

REPwhat...

Long pause

MAC(frustrated,looks at them forthe first time)

I’m Macaulian.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS, AMERICA BY SIMON & GARFUNKLE PLAYSTHE SONG PLAYS OVER SEVERAL CLIPS OF D.C. LANDMARKS

TITLE SCREEN: ‘‘Hello, I’m an Idiot.’’

REP(with attitude)

Macaulian?

DEMI’ve never heard of it.

REPMe neither. You sure you’re nota terrorist?

MAC(focused on hiswork once more)

It’s new.

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DEMNew, huh?

MACYes. New.

REPThere’s no such thing as new inpolitics.

Mac seems to find this comment amusing. He continuesworking, but seems to be slightly more interested in theconversation.

MACOh? And how do you figure that?

REP(smug andmatter-of-fact,motioning like heis directingtraffic)

Theres a spectrum, a continuousline. Everybody knows that.See, democrat over there, he’sleft, and I’m right. And to theright of me are the libertariansand the fascists. To the farleft you’ve got your commies andyou’re socialists...

DEMWhat he’s trying to say is thatit doesnt matter what itscalled, you’re still somewhere,right, left, middle... so maybeits a new name, but not a newposition.

REPThat’s right. So tell us, whereare your?

MACWell, I’m right here, I think?

REP(irritated)

Dont get cute. Where do youstand, huh? I’m right, he’sover there, to my left, where doyou fall in line, Mr.Macaulian?

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DEM(gesturing)

How far from the middle andwhich direction?

Mac chuckles to himself, but keeps working, not answering thequestion. This angers Rep.

REP(steppingforward,aggressively)

Whats so damn funny?

MACNothing really. I just, well, Iguess the answer is that I’m noton that line.

REPWhat kind of a smart ass answeris that?

DEMIt’s a simple enough question,and it deserves a simple answer.

MAC(Still working)

It is more complicated than thetwo of you make it out to be.

Feeling like his intelligence has just been insulted, REPmoves around the desk to MAC’s right and closes his computer,MAC barely gets his fingers out before the lid closes. REPleans in for effect.

REPWell then, Mr. Macaulian, whydon’t you enlighten me.

DEM follows suit, moving around to MACS left, but much lessaggressively. MAC slowly leans back in his chair,maintaining composure. He looks first at DEM, then REP, Thenstraight ahead.

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MACAll right, I haven’t gotanything brilliant. you’ve beenat this for quite a long time,and I’ve only recently gotteninvolved. According to you two,one of you is right, and theother is wrong. Maybe that’strue. I’ve been listening toyou guys make this argument aslong as I can remember. When Iwas young it seemed clear whichend was up, who the good guyswere and who the bad guys where.I guess that’s how I was broughtup. It was easy then, seeingthings so clearly, feeling proudof rooting for the good guys.But it got a lot harder as timewent on, I got older, met peoplefrom different backgrounds andupbringings who didn’t see theworld the way I did. And asthings became less clear to me,you two still sounded sopositive that it was black andwhite, that half the americanpeople were so wrong and theother half so right. It got tobe too much for me. Maybe itwas extreme, but I decided tothrow out everything I had beenstruggling to hold on to, thebelief system that offeredcertainty, a feeling ofsuperiority over the other half,a sense of belonging with othersfighting a great and righteousfight against a formidableadversary. I decided to startover with a clean slate and tryto figure things out for myself.

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MACI’ve lived long enough to see agreat number of people in thiscountry who need help, peoplewho depend on their governmentto find solutions. I keptputting myself in their place.I would want someone else tryingto find answers, I guess. Idon’t know, it just seems likeyou guys spend so much timetrying to beat each other, andyou don’t do a thorough enoughjob trying to understand theproblems better and explore allthe options. You let too manythings go undone, and maybe theyare little things that don’tamount to much, but there’s alot of things I’d like ourgovernment to try, other ways ofmaking things better...

REPWhat other way?

DEMListen, when we don’t trysomething it’s because it won’twork

REPor it’s not politically viable

MACMaybe. It’s also possibleneither of you know all theanswers isn’t it? It’spossible. Look there’s the twoof you working on theseproblems. Democrat, you havegot your way, and Republican,you have yours. There are a lotof other small groups on thefringe trying things and comingup with ideas without muchsupport, and they usually thinka greater percentage of theAmerican people are idiots thanthe two of you do. Aside fromthem, yours are the only twoefforts to tackle theseproblems. The future hangs inthe balance. Supposing you’reboth wrong...

REPWhat do you mean suppose we’reboth wrong?

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MACCould you both be wrong?

DEMThis is our job. We’ve beenelected. What are you trying tosay?

MACYou’re only people. people makemistakes. Could you both bewrong?

REPI... No. I don’t think so.

MACDo you know so?

DEMWell now listen, nobody can knowa thing like that. This isn’tan exact science...

MACThe way you two go about it, itcertainly isn’t.

REPAlright, let’s try to get to thepoint here. What you’re talkingabout is unprecedented. Look athistory.

MACIsn’t it possible that there isa precedent, that this hashappened before?

DEMI’ve never heard of anythinglike this happening before, andI went to law school.

REPI did too. And I took USHistory in college.

DEMAren’t you trying to make usaccept the possibility of apretty incredible oversight inour education that somethinglike this has happened in thepast and neither of us have everheard about it?

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MACI’m not trying to make anyoneaccept anything on my wordalone. I’m just saying it’spossible it’s happened beforeyou don’t know about it.

REPAnd I’m saying it’s notpossible.

He gets up and leans against the desk, now facing the otherway. He casually opens a drawer and pulls out a remote.

MACI found this old film reel theother day, I think it mightclear things up a bit.

DEMIs it about politics?

MACNo. Its about Medicine

REPWhat the hell does medicine haveto do with it?

MAC(smilingslightly)

Everything.

MAC points the remote straight ahead of him, in the direction2 feet from the camera mans right shoulder. REP and DEM andMAC look in that direction as the sound of projector whirringto life is heard.

CUT TO ANTIQUATED MEDICINE VIDEO SCENE

Two men, who look suspiciously like REP and DEM withmustaches wearing 19th century attire, are standing in an allwhite room, a few feet apart, and facing the camera.

MUSTACHED DEMHello, I’m an Allopath,

MUSTACHED REPAnd I’m a Homeopath.

MUSTACHED DEMWe are 19th century physicians.

MUSTACHED REPWe are who you come to whenyou’re sick.

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MUSTACHED DEMI practice Heroic Therapy, basedon the Humoral Theory ofdisease. The idea is that alldiseases are caused byimbalances of the four humors,the main fluids of the body.Bloodletting, scarification,purging, and vomiting constitutethe heroic treatment.

MUSTACHED REPAnd I practice Homeopathy, basedon the Principle of Similars.The idea is that what makes ahealthy person sick will make asick person healthy. I treatyou with diluted does of drugsthat produce similar symptoms inhealthy individuals.

MUSTACHED DEMSo when your sick, you go seeme, or you go see him. You haveto choose.

MUSTACHED REPYeah, and its an importantdecision because either Im rightor hes right. one of us willmake make you sicker, and theother will make you healthier.

MUSTACHED DEMThis is one thing that we agreeon. We can’t both be right.

MUSTACHED REPOne of us is definitely doingmore harm than good.

MUSTACHED DEMAnd one of us is right. We justcan’t prove who is who.

MUSTACHED DEMeither he’s a quack and I’mright

MUSTACHED REPor he’s a quack and I’m right

RUDOLF VIRCHOW(offscreen)

or you’re both quacks and you’reboth wrong.

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MUSTACHED DEM AND REPHeresy!

REPWho declared that?

The mustached DEM and REP walk over to investigate, finding aman standing before a microscope and making observations in alaboratory notebook. On the lab bench there are manynotebooks and a sophisticated looking microscope. The mandoes not take his eyes of his work, he is clearly engaged insome problem and concentrating deeply. The mustached DEM andREP approach slowly, without realizing it they get very closeto one another as they apprehensively approach thestranger... as they near the desk, mustached DEMunconsciously places his hand on mustached REP... suddenlythey become aware of how close they are and quickly step awayfrom each other and stand very straight up, being very selfconcious and self absorbed for a long moment, fiddling withtheir coattails and mustaches. Simultaneously, they rememberwhy they are there and dip out of their selfabsorbtion backinto the original curiosity.

MUSTACHED DEM(cautiously)

who...(quickly switchesthe question)

what are you?

MUSTACHED REP(confrontational)

Yeah, what the hell are you?You got a lot of nerve callingus both quacks. I know what youare you’re a witch-doctor... oran acupuncturist...

VIRCHOW(calmly, matterof fact, nottaking his eyesof his work)

I am not a witch-doctor, and iam certainly not anacupuncturist.

MUSTACHED DEMthen who...

MUSTACHED REPwhat...

Long pause

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VIRCHOW(frustrated,looks at them forthe first time)

I’m a Pathologist. My name isRudolf Virchow, and I ambuilding the foundations ofscientific medicine.

FRAME FREEZES, PAUSED... WE RETURN TO REP, DEM, and MAC.

MACHe was the father of modernpathology. His work on celltheory and the nature of diseaseoverthrew the disastrouslyflawed theoretical systemsbehind homeopathy and heroictherapy, replacing them withscientific medicine, whichrapidly advanced beyond theseequally ineffective and harmfulmedical practices.

DEMWhere did you find this?

MACIt’s history.

REPListen, you pulled a smart assstunt, now supposing you tell mewhat it it proves. Medicinedrastically improved in the 19thcentury. So what. This isn’tthe discovery of the ages.

DEMAre you suggesting that the samething can happen in politics?You’re asking us to believe thatone day politics could be assuccessful as medicine? Theodds are a million to one.

MACIt’s possible

REPBut not very probable. Youcan’t improve upon the line.

DEMYou can’t compare politics tomedicine, its not the same.

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MACHow is it any different?

REPMedicine is about diagnosing andtreating disease....

MAC(interjecting,thoughtfully)

Politics is about diagnosing andtreating national problems.

MAC waits for a response, but REP blanks, unsure of what elseto say, so he continues.

MACAt a fundamental level, medicineand politics are kindreddisciplines. Among alldisciplines, nothing is closerto medicine than politics. WhenVirchow developed the celltheory, he thought of the bodyas a state, the cells itscitizens. The politician andthe physician were once quitesimilar in their practices. Theonly difference is that medicinehas matured and developed overthe past two hundred years tosuch a degree that today it ishard to see the similarities.But when you go back far enough,it is obvious. It is time forpolitics to catch up.

DEM(with heartfeltcuriosity)

How?

MACBy founding a new discipline,Political Pathology, to studyand diagnose the structural andfunctional failures of ournational systems that cause ournational problems, and then workto develop effective, efficient,systemic solutions to treat theproblems at the source.

DEMI have no idea what any of thatmeans.

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REPMe either.

MAC(trying adifferentapproach)

Alright, let me try an example.There is a town next to a river.There are people drowning in theriver. Dem, what should thepeople in the town do?

DEMPull them out, of course.

MACOk, you save those people. Butnow there are more people in theriver.

DEMWell then we pull them out too.

MACYou save them, but their arestill more people in the river.All this rescuing is starting totake a lot of the townsresources. A meeting is calledto decide what to do. Thequestion on the floor is howmuch time should be devoted topulling people out of the river.Dem, what is your position?

DEM(prideful)

As long as their are people inthe river, we must pull themout, it is our responsibility asa town.

MACAnd Rep, your response?

REP(with disdain)

We cannot sacrifice so much ofthe time of those in the townwho are not in the river. Itisn’t our responsibility to savethem, it is their own damn faultthey are drowning.

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MACAnd you figure it must be theirown fault because...

REPLook all the people in the townwho aren’t drowning. They livein the same town, and aren’tdrowning in the river, thereforedrowning in the river must be achoice.

MACWell argued. Dem, yourresponse?

DEM(with righteousindignation)

This is exactly the kind ofuncaring, heartless, arrogant...

MAC(interruptingforcefully)

This is not the time or placefor that Ad Hominem garbage.

Rep looks smug, pleased that Dem has just been scolded.

REPThat goes for you to Rep, yourjust as guilty as he is...We’ve all seen your 30 secondspots.

Rep looks at his shoes, slightly ashamed...

MACNow we’ve gotten ourselves offtrack. Back to the river andthe town. Dem, you say savethem all, whatever it takes.Rep, you say let drowningtownspeople drown, its their ownfault anyway.

DEMWhat other choice is there?

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REPLike I was saying before, youcan’t keep pulling people outforever, it will be bad forbusiness in the town if peoplehave to devote all this timepulling people out of the river,and worse, it provides anincentive for people to fall inif they know they will be saved.

MACI agree.

DEMThose people are drowning, wehave to save them. It could beyou drowning, or your children!You can’t do nothing.

MACI agree.

DEMYou do?

MACThat’s right. Doing nothingabout a problem is never theanswer. Well, unless you are alibertarian.

Mac, Dem, and Rep, share a laugh at the expense oflibertarians.

DEMWhat would you do? What is theMacaulian approach to thisproblem?

MACI would pose a question. Howare these people falling in theriver? Once I found the answer,I would build a fence, orwhatever I needed to build, tostop townspeople from fallingin.

REP(Talking directlyto DEM)

Where does this fellow get off?

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DEMDon’t worry, there’s no way it’strue. How long have we been atthis, you and I?

REPWhy, as long as I can remember.More than a century for sure.

DEMWe have had our share ofchallengers in the past, allthose third parties.

REPThat’s right! There was thosepesky populists. You surepulled the rug out from them atthat convention in 1896.

DEMAnd old Teddy Roosevelt suregave you a run for your moneywith that whole Bull Moosefiasco, but you came out allright.

REPAnd just a few years back, thatfellow with the big ears...

While they are talking, MAC returns to his desk, andcontinues his work. Suddenly REP notices, interruptinghimself, struts over to the front of the desk, sits on it,with an air of confidence. He does not directly look at MAC.

REP(matter-of-factually)

Hear that? You haven’t got achance.

MAC(continuing towork)

I’m not much of a betting man.

Rep looks at him now, considering, a looks of slightpuzzlement appears and quickly fades.

REPYou think you can do better?

MACI do.

REPAre you always this humble, oris it just my lucky day?

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DEM has been standing off to the side, berating himself fornot asking how the hypothetical townspeople were falling inthe hypothetical river. He walks over and joins them.

DEMSo you think you can do betterthan us, and maybe you can insome hypothetical town next to ariver. But we are in the realworld, and being better isn’twhat counts. What are you goingto do about it?

REPThird parties are a joke,everybody knows that.

MAC(looking up)

Who said anything about a thirdparty?

DEM and REP look at one another, confused.

DEMThere isn’t any other option.

REPYou must not know the firstthing about politics.

MACMaybe, or maybe there is abetter way.

DEMYou’re saying you’re notfounding a political party?

Mac stands up, walks over, engaging in the conversation.

MACFirst things first, the horsebefore the cart. I’m foundingan institution.

REP(reading a pieceof paper off thedesk he has justpicked up)

The Macaulian Institute...

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MAC(taking the paperback, looking atit himself)

That’s right. A place to fosterthe growth and development ofthe discipline of PoliticalPathology for understanding andsolving national problems. Aninstitute to train the firstgeneration of practitioners...

REPWhat a pipe dream...

DEMWhat a fool...

MAC snaps back to reality, scowls at them both briefly, thenlooks slightly frustrated with himself. He returns to hischair, slowly, and places the paper in a file in his deskdrawer. He takes a long deep breath, and then continues hiswork from before. DEM and REP look on as he does all this.REP non-chalantly leans against the desk, DEM begins to pace,still going over the river scenario in his mind. REP shiftsuncomfortably. He is bored. DEM seems to quicken his pacingas he becomes more agitated, then seems to give up theendeavor in frustration. He turns to look at REP. REP looksat DEM, they glance over to MAC, back to one another, andthen start in:

REPWhat do you suppose it is withsome people, Dem, makes em takethings so seriously, get allupset and pouty?

DEM(to MAC)

You know, you dont have to getso upset. We were having a niceconversation. We want to hearmore.

REPDon’t go and clam up over athing like that. We just, wellwe hear alot a people sound justlike you, with these big pie inthe sky hopes and dreams, and italways turns out the same. WhyI....

DEM interrupts, reaching out his arm toward REP to silencehim, as he is obviously making things worse

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DEMLook, you say you are going todo all these big things. Yousay you are so different fromus. But you still cant give itto us straight. How are you sodifferent, what makes you betterthan us. How can you go andform institutes and the like...

REPYeah, you’re all fluff, nosubstance, nothing to back itup. Just like the rest of them.

DEMYou can’t blame us for thinkingso, I mean you come in heresaying all these things withoutgiving us much to go on. You’dthink the same thing, if someonecame at you the same way, you’dsay they were a fool drunk onfoolish dreams.

MAC is getting more and more irritated, but he struggles tocontinue is his work.

REPPolitics is full of ’em. Fools.And fool followers. You bringme a fool, and I’ll show yousomeone fool enough to followthem. They aren’t grounded inreality. Think they can make adifference, when all they reallydo is convince themselves theyare something special.

DEMDon’t take it personally. Lotsof people get caught up in theirdesire to make an impact on theworld.

REPAnd lots of people are justplain stupid.

MAC(not looking up)

If I’m stupid, what does thatmake you?

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REP(looking off tohis right withpride)

Practical.

DEM(looking off tohis left, smugly)

Sensible.

DEM AND REP(together, as anafterthought)

Moral.

MAC has had it. He puts down his pen, stands up, and leansover his desk, glaring at DEM and REP. They shiftuncomfortably under his gaze.

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MACI said it before, and I will sayit again, the two of you areidiots, incompetent straw menwho don’t know the first thingabout doing their job. Youhaven’t got the faintest clueabout anything other than makingeach other look bad, and thatsnot hard to do since you areboth so clueless in the firstplace. Sure you want to dosomething about problems, andyou have your ideas of how to doit, but when half the peoplesay, hold on a minute, I don’tlike the sound of this, youcompletely fall apart. Theydon’t agree because you donthave the answer. Yet, insteadof trying to figure out what’swrong, what your missing, youstart slinging mud. You wouldrather war with each other thancome up with better answers.Now why is that? Maybe itsbecause you simply can’t do anybetter. Maybe these half asssymptomatic solutions are allyou can conceive off, maybe youare that simple minded. Butwhat kind of ignorant prideleads you to insult theintelligence and sense of halfthe american people rather thanface your own shortcomings withgrace? Bottom line: neither ofyou can do the job, so I have todo it for you.

REP(not backingdown)

You come in here, telling us wedon’t know how to do our jobs.You’re a know-it-all come tosave the day. Think you are somuch smarter, but you aretalking nonsense. Why are youdoing all this anyway? Just tofeel superior. Why don’t youlet off it. Your a smartfellow, go start a business orsomething. You have to come inhere and stir things up, and Idon’t see what for.

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MAC(with greatconfidence)

For my country. For ourpatient.

The projector whirring to life, all three look on

CUT TO PATIENT FILM

UNCLE SAM is sitting in a doctor’s office. He is tired,weary, sick. He is thinking over the answer to a question wedid not hear.

SAMI just don’t know anymore, I’mnot getting any better, but Iget by. It’s not to terrible,I’m pretty lucky. I could haveit worse. But, it’s just,well... I heard somewhere thata man who is unable to walk, heis very unhappy at first, butafter a time, he adjusts, andcan be just as happy as anyoneelse. While a man with asthma,he doesn’t adjust. The man whocan’t walk looks himself in themirror, and he accepts hislimitations because he can seethem. The man with asthma, hedoesn’t see any limitations, helooks like someone who should beable to do things that he can’t.So he never gets over it.I look at myself in the mirror,and I don’t see a country thatcan’t walk. There is just somuch potential , and it goeswrong in ways I can’t see. Ijust can’t come to terms withit, if that makes any sense.And I think, in the end, that’sworse. Because, dammit, whycan’t I get better? I look inthe mirror and there’s nothingto remind me of what I can’t be.

FILM STOPS, WE RETURN TO MAC, DEM, AND REP.

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MACWe all see the problems, but youonly know how to treat thesymptoms. I’m here to treat thedisease. Remember medicine, itis the same. Poverty,Terrorism, Crime, Ignorance,these are national diseases, andthey must be dealt withaccordingly. I am a MacaulianPolitical Pathologist. UncleSam is my patient.

DEMHe is no more your patient thanours.

REPJust because you don’t agree...

MAC(holding out hishand to silenceREP)

This is not a professionaldifference of opinion. The isthe difference between aprofessional and amateurs.Uncle Sam is sick, and itsyou’re job to help him getbetter. But the problems of ournation are problems you can’tunderstand by blaming people andproblems you can’t fix on anindividual level. These aresystemic failures, and they needsystemic diagnosis andtreatment. That takes a certainkind of mind, one you haven’tgot. It takes burning curiosityand intellectual openness. Youare too quick to settle forsimple explanations, you have notolerance for ambiguity. Thatspart of your appeal I guess, youpaint the world in black andwhite so its easy to understand.But no doctor succeeds in hispractice by seeing the complexbiological system that is thehuman body in black and whiteterms.

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MACThe world is full of graynessand complexity, and MacaulianPolitical Pathologists have aburning desire to see andunderstand the full picture, notjust the pieces we arecomfortable with. It is notthat we are so smart, we juststay with problems longer, andwe don’t spend all our timelooking through the distortedlenses of personal experiencefor someone to blame and someoneto be better than...

MAC pauses, getting hold of himself. He takes a long, deepbreath. REP and DEM are agitated, and MAC seems to empathizewith them. He looks off to the distance. He seems to seesomething that gives him great comfort. Turning back to DEMand REP, his demeanor softens.

MAC(gesturing)

Look, how about you two have aseat, take a load off.

DEM and REP look in the direction MAC has just gestured, andare startled to see two chairs, which they had not seen therebefore. They walk over to the chairs. They start to sit,but at once DEM realizes he is about to sit in the right one,and REP realizes he is about to sit in the left one.Clumsily, they spring to their feet, face each other for amoment, offer each other their chairs with a courteousgesture, then take their respective seats. Properlyorientated, they sit with look of confidence andsatisfaction. They sit for a moment, thinking. Finally, DEMturns to REP,

DEMRep, why don’t we try and figureout exactly what he is going onand on about. Maybe he’s not afool.

REPAnd maybe he is, but I supposeit won’t hurt to listen.

There is a long silence. DEM and REP wait. MAC leans backin his chair, reflecting, looking off to the distance. Helets out a sigh.

MACI shouldn’t be so hard on youtwo.

He turns towards them.

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MACLet’s get to it.

DEM and REP glance at each other, apprehensively. MAC standsup and moves over to the corner of the desk and leans againstit. He looks relaxed.

MACLet’s start from the beginningagain.There is a job to be done.There are problems to beunderstood and fixed, nationaldiseases to be diagnosed andtreated. The jobs not beingdone well, if at all, by eitherof you. The power strugglemakes no difference if neitherof you know how to do your jobs.So we started from scratch,trying to figure out what mustbe done and who can do it. Wethrew away everything we thoughtwe knew and asked toughquestions. We got answers.

REPWhat kind of questions?

MACQuestions to lay the foundationfor pathological approach topolitics. We started at thebegining. What is the purposeof this nation? What defines anational problem? How do yousolve them? What kind of persondoes it take? How can we makepolitical pathology a reality?

DEMAnd you found answers?

MACYes, and the answers yielded anew approach. They gave us abetter method.

REP(sincerely)

Tell us.

28

MACI’ll do my best. First, webelieve the purpose of theUnited States of America, anation of the people, by thepeople, for the people, is tosecure rights for all citizenswith a national system ofgovernment composed of economic,legal, and social systems.

DEMIsn’t that debatable?

MACAbsolutely, just as the purposeof the human body is debatable.But we have to find anappropriate answer to work fromif we want to do our job, justas doctors have to.

REPSo that means you don’t expectanyone, not even your followers,to agree with you on that.

MACThats right.

DEMAlright, that sounds fine, socontinue.

MACMacaulians define nationalproblems as failures of nationalsystems to secure the rights ofthe people for the people. Thismay sound strange or unhelpful,but it is crucial. All problemscan and should be thought of inthis context of systemicfailures to secure rights.

REPWhy?

29

MACThinking in terms of systemicfailures is the alternative tothinking of problems in terms ofsymptoms and individualbehaviors. That kind ofthinking leads to symptomaticsolutions, almost always on alevel of individualintervention. In other words,symptomatic thinking suggestsregulation and spending,instructing governmentinterventions that rely onindividual’s fear of punishmentand desire for reward to forcethem to alter their behaviors.

DEMAnd what is so wrong with that?

MACIndividual behaviors aredetermined by their environmentand their self-interest. Andchanging individual behavior isa limited and costly approach,and is far from ideal because itreduces individual freedom. I’msure you will agree with me onthis point, Rep.

REPYou’re damn right.

DEMHere we go again. This is theclassic conservative argumentagainst all governmentintervention, Rep. If I’veheard it once, I’ve heard it athousand times. I can’t believeyou buy into this Mac, I thoughtyou wanted to do something aboutproblems, not make excuses.

MACOh, and you never do?

DEMNo, when something is wrong, youhave to roll up your sleeves anddo something about it, not pissand moan about sacrificingindividual freedoms...

MAC chuckles, DEM gets frustrated.

30

DEMWhat? When do I make theargument that we shouldn’t dosomething about a problembecause it reduces individualfreedom?

MACWasn’t it something aboutso-and-so’s right to chooseabout something or other...

DEM(interupting,quite frustrated)

Now well hold on a minute. Youhave no right to bring thatissue up, that has nothing to dowith this.

MAC walks over and puts his hand on DEM’s shoulder.

MAC(with an honestsmile)

It has everything to do with it.Just relax for a second, andlet’s see if we can make anyheadway on this.

DEM(stuttering)

But... I... I just don’t thinkit....

MAC(interrupting)

Dem. Just, trust me.

REP(jovial)

Now this is what I’m talkingabout. Now we are gettingsomewhere, down to the issues,the real meat and potatoes ofpolitics. I got to be honest, Ican’t wait to here what you haveto say about this one.

MAC takes a previously unseen seat in front of DEM and REP.He leans in, fully engaged and excited by where thediscussion is heading.

31

DEM(sighing)

You’re right Rep, it is time weactually talked some issues, butI still don’t see why it has tobe this one. Alright, Mac, showus what you’ve got.

MACBear with me for a moment. Dem,I’m going to ask you a question,and I don’t want you to take itthe wrong way. I already knowhow Rep feels. Are youpersonally in favor of...

DEMAbortions. No, I don’t likethem. Its never a goodoutcome....

MAC(interrupting)

Well so far, Rep, you are on thesame page, right?

REPSure.

MACSo where’s the hold up?

DEM(agitated,feeling ganged upon)

You didn’t let me finish, what Iwas trying to say is that Idon’t like them, but I’m justnot in favor of making itillegal, because first of all,it is a question of women’srights, but even more than that,would you rather it be regulatedand safe or done with a coathanger in a back alley?

MACThat is a very good point. Soyou are against making abortionsillegal?

32

DEM(visibly upset)

Thats right. And that’s notbecause I like abortions, or Ihave no respect for human life.Its just all the issuesinvolved, its so complicated,and I just can’t supportsomething that sends young womenwith no where else to turn...This isn’t a very easy positionto hold you know? With theother side calling themselvesPro-life, I get made out to besome kind of...

MACHold on for a second. Wouldn’tyou say that, in an ideal,purely theoretical world, therewouldn’t be any abortions?

DEM(exhausted)

Yes, ideally there were would beno abortions, it’s never anideal outcome.

MAC(excited)

And that’s just what you want,isn’t it Rep?

REPWhy, yes. I’m glad we agree onthat Dem, that speaks to yourcharacter, that you can admitthat. It also speaks to yourweakness. But hell, what’s thedifference nowadays?

MACYou both agree, abortions aren’tgood, and that ideally theirwouldn’t be any abortions. Rep,how do you think we should getthere?

REPMake it illegal.

MACAnd thats where you disagree,Dem, isn’t it? It isn’t thatyou don’t anything done, youjust can’t stomach making itillegal outright?

33

MACNow let me ask you Dem, outsideof making it illegal, would yoube against government action toreduce abortions, without makingit illegal?

DEMWhat do you mean? Making itharder to get? It is the sameissue...

MACI don’t mean on that end of theproblem.

DEM(continuing, nothearing)

Making it illegal or harder toget just won’t work, you’ll justmake it more dangerous and forcepeople to do illegally...

MACYou’re right. But that’s notthe only end of the problem,Dem.

DEM(trying hard)

What else is there. Wait, Iguess, if no one chose to haveabortions, even though it waslegal?

MACExactly. Rep’s way is toprevent from being able to haveabortions, and you don’t likefixing the problem on that end.How would you feel about doingthings to prevent people fromneeding abortions in the firstplace. Fix the adoption system,make strides in family planningand contraception education,economic improvements. What’sthe real tragedy? That someonein this country can get anabortion, or that someone inthis country ever findsthemselves in that position,where they have to choose. Howdo you feel about governmentgetting involved that way, Dem?

34

DEM(coming around)

There is nothing wrong withthat, I mean, thats the kind ofthing I can get behind...

MACWhat about you Rep?

REPIf Dem would be behind it, itwould be a lot better than doingnothing, thats for sure.

MACThe point I’m trying to makehere is that on each issue, oneof you advocates these harsh andineffective solutions while theother protests, and that’s whatyou guys are fighting over.Poverty is the perfectexample...

REPIt’s not that I don’t want to doanything, I just would rather donothing than deal with it theway Dem wants to.

DEM(excited, gettingit)

Just like in the river example,when I was advocating that wefix the problem on a microlevel, pulling people out of theriver. Rep protested myinadequate symptomatic solution,because it wasn’t good enough,not because he’s an uncaringprick.

MACExactly.

Rep gets up and starts walking away. Cut to him standingfacing the camera, with nothing behind him

REPRep: I want to make thingsbetter

Cut to dem facing the camera with nothing behind him

35

DEMIm tired of just feeling rightabout everything but neverachieving anything.

Cut to Rep

REPI want to be better at my job

Cut to dem

DEMI want to help uncle sam getbetter. I want to fightpoverty.

Cut to rep

REPI want to make our economythrive. I want nationalprosperity.

Cut to dem

DEMI want to leave this countrystronger for future generations.

Cut to a wide shot of both of them now, it becomes apparentthat they were onyl standing a few feet from each other,closer than at the begining. Mac walks into frame, betweenthem, looking at them both thoughtfully, with compassion

MACWhats stopping you?

REPMy party line is to blame thedemocrats

DEMMy party line is to blame therepublicans

REPIts the wrong half of theamerican people, you know how itgoes.

DEMYouve heard it all before

36

MACBut I want to know what youthink now. Not what you aresupposed to believe.

REPI dont Know anymore.

DEMIts not as clear as it used tobe.

REPIt felt alot better gettingnothing done when i could blamehim.

DEMI know exactly how you feel.

REPSo what now?

MACMaybe I can help. If you giveme time to build a place for youto come and become better, learnto work together, learn to thinkabout problems and come up withbetter solutions. Ive beenworking on this for some timenow, coming up with a plan forthe Macaulian Institute ofPolitical Pathology.

He hands them each copies of the proposal for the institutehe takes from inside his jacket. This is visibly the same asthe proposal available on the website.

MACI can’t guarentee that it willwork, only that it is posible.Give me time, If i can getenough support to build thisplace, I would be honored if youwould come and be among thefirst fellows. Its anexperiment, so we cant be sureof the outcome, but it is worthtrying. It might all be invain, it could be a waste ofyour time and other peoplesmoney, but theres a chance itcould make all the difference.

REPIm willing to take those odds.What about you dem?

37

Dem nods.

MACGive me time, I need to findsupport, but know that ill beworking day and night to make ithappen.

DEMHow will we know when the timecomes? Who can we reach you?

REPWhere can I tell others they canfind you?

Mac hands them each his card. It simply reads"www.macaulian.com"

Close up shot on the card, then fade to black.

The words possible future appear.

Cut to Dem and Rep standing facing the camera, in differentclothes, looking energized and excited.

DEMHello, Im a democrat.

REPAnd Im a republican.

DEMIm a certified, card carrying,Macaulian Political Pathologist.

REPAnd Im a certified, cardcarrying, Macaulian PoliticalPathologist.

DEMWe dont always see eye to eye.

REPWe have different perspectives,adn we are passionate aboutdifferent things.

DEMWe used to be bitter politicalenemies.

38

REPBut after spending two years asfellows at the the MacaulianInstitute of Political Pathoogy,we learned to work together.

DEMNow we are peers.

REPColleagues, not adversaries.

DEMWe learned to think aboutnational problems better, so nowwe come up with ssolutions thatwe can agree on that work on theright end of the problem.

REPWe make our underlying valuesexplicit by talking aboutproblems in terms of failures tosecure rights. It forces us tothink like the founding fathers.We start by agreeing ondefinitions of the problem.

DEMThen we start trying to come upwith solutions. And after ourtime at the institute we learnedto respect each othersperspectives. So when Repdoesnt like my solution to aproblem, I dont just immediatleydemonize him and try andimplement in spite of hisobjections. I work hard to makemy solution better. And Repdoes the same.

REPWe have become PoliticalPathologists. We know how tounderstand national problemsmore fully, and treat them moreeffectivley.

DEMYou know, not only am I aDemocrat and a macaulianpolitical pathologist, Im alsoonly a possibility.

REPWe don’t exist yet, but wecould, one day.

39

DEMIf efforts to build theInstitute get enough support.

REPWe cant exist until someonebuilds the place for us to gofrom what we were to what we arenow, in this possible future.

DEMI wonder who would give thermoney and their time to make usa reality?

REPWho would do a thing like that?Thats the question.

They turn to the camera.

Fade to black. Credits roll to the song: Paul Simon ‘‘Havea good time.’’