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Handling Passive

Behaviour

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Have you ever worked with a problem co-worker, employee or boss who seemed unable to take

initiative or solve problems for themselves? Or a colleague who seemed too scared to make tough

decisions? If so, you’ve worked with someone whose passive behaviour was a problem. Many people

find it hard to imagine why passivity can be a problem behaviour at work. They’ll argue that shy people

aren’t nearly as difficult to handle as aggressive people. After all, what harm does it do if a person’s

always quiet and agreeable? They’re the ones that lose out if they don’t speak up, aren’t they?

At first glance, perhaps, passive behaviour does not seem to be as destructive to work relationships as

either aggressive or passive-aggressive behaviour. But over time, passive behaviour not only impacts

on team dynamics and work relationships, it also has repercussions for the wider business. For starters,

unless they have super powers, people who constantly say “yes” will inevitably encounter a situation

when they should have said “no”. The consequences of being unable to say no – over-committing to

work or dealing with difficult people, for example – can be far-reaching.

Procrastinating over making decisions - or failing to make them altogether - is another aspect of

passive behaviour, which often significantly contributes to work conflict. The people expecting

decisions to be made end up feeling immensely frustrated about issues not being resolved or put on the

backburner for another day. Passive behaviour makes it easier for toxic people to get a foothold in an

organisation. A passive management style or organisational culture, for example, often facilitates

workplace bullying. Particularly passive people may find that they’re easily taken advantage of by

other, more aggressive types. And this can lead to toxic team dynamics.

Don’t be fooled by the passive co-worker who creates a façade of being ‘nice.’ A person’s passive

behaviour doesn’t always derive from a need to be agreeable. It may sometimes be driven by a fear of

confrontation or a desire for acceptance. Both of these fears can lead to reduced creativity and an

increased chance that groupthink will lead to poor decision making.

Passive behaviour can also mask performance or attitude problems. Maybe your passive co-worker

doesn’t care, lacks commitment or is mentally ‘checked out’. It can be immensely frustrating and time

consuming trying to get input from passive people. As a result many people don’t bother. Passive team

members may end up isolated and any positive contributions or innovative solutions they may have

had to offer are lost.

What is passive behaviour?

Passive behaviour is designed to protect the user from harm. It happens when someone reacts to stress

or fear by retreating to a safe space. Unconsciously, the person tries to make themselves look smaller.

This leads to hunched, self-protective postures. It also causes hesitant speech patterns and a tendency

to back down in conflict situations. The aim of this behaviour is self-protection. At an unconscious level,

the passive person is trying to hide from danger. Unfortunately, the longer they hide, the harder it

becomes for them to come into the open and express themselves.

From a psychological perspective, passive communication happens when someone learns to hold back

(suppress) their emotions. Their passive style develops early in life, because they’re rewarded for

submissive behaviour. Their submissiveness slowly and gradually creates low self-esteem. As an adult,

they feel scared to speak up for themselves. They want, above all else, to be liked and accepted by

others. So they avoid disagreeing with others’ opinions or asserting their needs.

Checklist for recognising passive behaviour

Passive communication occurs when difficult people don’t express their true feelings or thoughts.

Instead, they might agree with the opinions of others, stay silent, or avoid being in a position where

their opinion is asked for. The aim of passive behaviour is to avoid being in the spotlight. When difficult


or toxic people use passive communication too much, team dynamics problems can occur. Many

passive communicators are scared of confrontation and don’t feel they have a right to make their

desires and wishes known. For example, being passive for extended periods can trigger feelings of

anxiety, depression, anger or helplessness.

There are a number of benefits that can come from being passive. For example, passive people don’t

have to solve their own problems, because other people ‘rescue’ them from tough situations. They can

cover up their own negative emotions, feelings and thoughts by focusing on pleasing other people.

Passive people pretend conflict doesn’t exist, so they avoid having to deal with it. They can avoid

awkward situations with people at work, because they don’t interact. They don’t need to make

decisions or risk making mistakes. Instead, by being passive, they can wait for someone else to take

action. By being passive, they avoid unpleasant situations and get to stay in their comfort zone.

You’re likely to be dealing with passive behaviour if someone regularly:

€ Avoids demanding assignments

€ Opts out of large meetings or situations in which they should be speaking up

€ Tries very hard to be nice and to be liked

€ Avoids eye contact

€ Always agrees with what other people say

€ Never expresses their own thoughts, opinions, feelings or needs

€ Backs down during conflict

€ Frequently asks “what do you think I should do?”

€ Hesitates to take on new tasks

€ Is nervous talking to angry customers

€ Uses email when telephone or face-to-face communication would be better

€ Is unable to make decisions by themselves

€ Asks other people to handle difficult tasks

€ Tells ‘poor me’ stories

€ Waits for other people to solve problems

€ Speaks hesitantly and in a tone which suggests they are unsure of themselves

€ Avoids conflict at all costs

€ Says ‘yes’ when they need to say ‘no’

€ Allows others to invade their physical or psychological boundaries

€ Fails to speak up about bullying or abusive treatment

€ Apologises unnecessarily

€ Uses tentative, unassertive language

How to deal with passive behaviour

It may take a while for a passive co-worker to feel comfortable communicating with you assertively.

You may have to work with them for some time, before there is sufficient rapport to manage the


problem behaviours which can result from their passive approach to life. When you are communicating

with a passive co-worker, resist the temptation to ‘rescue’ them or speak for them. Avoid filling in

pauses, instead wait until your passive co-worker speaks. Nod to show you are listening and don’t

interrupt. Be prepared to spend time drawing out their perspective.

Remember to set clear boundaries around what you can and cannot do for your passive co-workers. Be

particularly vigilant about protecting yourself from the guilt games the passive person might attempt

to play. It can help to remind yourself “I’m not responsible for their feelings.” Here are some tips on how

to deal assertively with passive people.

Work on ‘safety’

Your passive co-worker is unlikely to speak up if they feel threatened. Help them open up by creating a

safe environment for communication. Psychological safety means that someone feels respected and

believes they will be treated fairly. To create safety for a passive co-worker, you need to focus on active

listening. Take the time to draw out their opinions. Ask them to elaborate on their ideas. Don’t argue

and don’t judge. Just stick to drawing out their thoughts and feeling.

Be careful when you approach conversations with passive people. Remember that they may quickly be

pushed into an overwhelmed state if you do or say anything threatening. Keep your movements calm

and steady. Make your movements and gestures small. Avoid approaching too quickly or suddenly.

Give them ample warning if you want to discuss a touchy or difficult issues.

Encourage contributions

Demonstrate to passive co-workers that you value their contributions. Foster trust, build rapport and

work to build positive work relationships over time. This may encourage quieter types to open up. Use

open questions to draw passive co-workers into conversation. Instead of saying “Do you agree?” say

“What do you think about this?” Follow up (without being aggressive about it) with probing questions.

Look for opportunities to get passive team members involved in meetings and discussions. Ask them

for contributions. Ask for feedback on a report. Delegate a project or important task to them.

Encourage them to be honest and assertive in what they say, rather than just saying what they believe

others want to hear.

Show you value assertiveness

Passive people may sometimes take on work even when they don’t have the capacity for it. Or they

may agree just for the sake of being agreeable. When they fail to deliver or it becomes clear they held a

different view, it’s tempting to be angry. But encouraging passive people to honestly reflect on why

things went wrong without judgement may be more effective. If a passive person has made a good

contribution to discussion or collaborative problem solving, praise them for being assertive.

Create a clear action plan and follow it up

Many passive people will agree to an action plan, simply to end a stressful conversation. However, their

agreement may not translate into action. For example, passive co-workers will often put off doing

things which make them uncomfortable – and this can lead to annoying procrastination. When you’re

dealing with passive people who procrastinate, develop a mutually agreed action plan with clearly

identifiable steps. Once this is done, meet with your passive co-worker regularly and make them

accountable for taking action.

End conversations on a high note

Passive behaviour can be a bi-product of low self-esteem. It’s not your job to help a passive co-worker

build their self-confidence. But you can help out by letting them know they’re appreciated. Express

thanks for their contribution. When it's time for you to part, smile and let them know that you enjoyed

talking with them.


Find out how to handle specific passive tactics NOW

Passive behaviour comes in many forms. Whether you’re dealing with someone who uses tears to

escape being accountable or someone who avoids participating in team conversations, you need

specific tactics for handling them. In Eleanor Shakiba’s book Difficult People Made Easy you’ll find step-

by-step instructions for handling nagging, crying, playing victim, constant negativity, failing to

contribute to conversations, voiding making decisions.

Buy your copy of Difficult People Made Easy now.

About the author of this tip sheet

This tip sheet was written by Australian people skills expert, Eleanor

Shakiba. Eleanor has written over ninety training courses and

produced a series of audio programs to help professionals excel at

work. In 2011 she branched into video production. She also provides

one to one coaching and group training services in the corporate

sector.

Eleanor's qualifications include a degree in Anthropology, Graduate

Certificate in Adult Education, Graduate Diploma in Counselling and

accreditation as a Master Practitioner of Neuro Linguistic

Programming (NLP). Eleanor is passionate about ‘creating success

stories’ with professionals like you.

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